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The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago
Commended by JJJ-thebanisher on 2/5/2017 2:31:40 PM

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

FEATURING

A What is New Section giving the latest info on the Forums

An Article on What’s happening to my site?: An Article for Cystians

A Review of the Lost Expedition (2) by Will11, reviewed Seto

The Short Story Death Walked Into The Village

CYStian Review of MinnieKing

The Special Section where Steve makes another desperate grab for power using the newspaper as he doesn't know what else to put in that section but gibberish

Credits!

What’s New?

- In Newbie Central, no one new showed up.

- In the Lounge, somehow nothing I care about happened. They just bitched about videogames and anime for a while.

- In News and Updates, there’s another update, and the New Frontier Contest is discussed.

- In the Parlour Room, we discuss featuring a new horror game as well as Planetary Exploration Society.

- In the Forum Games section, nothing happened, because it doesn’t exist anymore! YEAH!

-In Creative Corner, another Council of Nine story is written, and I guess there’s some prompts or other stuff or whatever.

- In the Writing Workshop, people are shamed for being failures at writing and questions are asked about how long it took people to write their stories.

- In the Reading Corner, nothing ha… holy shit, people discussed novels? Oh, graphic novels. Yeah, nothing happened.

- In the Advanced Editor Forum, there was something about sidescreening in games or something I don’t care about.

- In the Feature Wishing Well, some dumbass was banned for talking shit.

-In Bugs and Problems section, 3J told himself about a bug, or something.

 

Featured Article – What’s happening to my site; An article for Cystians

Now, you might have noticed some changes going on with your life as of late. No, not the weird thing happening to your genitalia as you’re clearly a preteen twat, no, that’s something you should ask your parents, uncle or local clergy about. Really, ask the most likely people to molest you. No, this is about the changes happening the site! Now, I know what you’re thinking:

“Oh, Steve, I’m a twat who’s confused, but you’re as confused as I am! How are you going to help me?”

Fear not, useless twat, because I am here to help you by laying out the most recent changes without mentioning all the boring shit you don’t cared about. For instance:

-We updated all the seriously out of date shit!

-We changed ratings to show you up to two decimal places, the word count and how it ranks compared to other games!

-BerkaZerka, Will11 and the concept of having 5000 points all got their own trophies!

-There’s a community contributor trophy!

-We burned Forum Games to the ground, fuckers! Now there’s a new place for non-gay shit.

-We got rid of profile scripting.

-We fixed the articles.

-We gave the ability to be unbanned.

-We now have the ability to give three Commendations a day for storygames, forum posts or comments! ---An article is 10, a comment is 3, a post is 1 and a story is much larger!

-There’s a weird Order system to pit you against your fellow writer! Ah, who am I kidding, you’re not a real writer.

-Having your storygame featured is worth twice as much.

-We show the six newest storygames instead of five.

-Usernames of the best “Order” in the past twenty four hours get different color usernames despite the teams being carried by very few people in a society built of leaching.

-We show the top 100 storygames, not the top 20.

-You get notifications for being commended or having points taken or give to you by the Mods.

 

That’s pretty much everything important. If you think I’ve left anything out, please mention it in the comments! Actually, don’t. If I left it out, I probably don’t care about. Anyhow, the site’s better now, praise 3J!

 

Featured Review: Lost Expedition (2), by Will11, reviewed by Seto

There is no such thing as a bad Will11 game. Period. Will is a good writer and has put out a lot of quality work during his time here at CYS, and I really do mean a lot. The only problem is that, having put out so many good stories, it's going to be hard not to compare them to each other and when a storygame is forcibly finished for a competition, it just doesn't normally have the same feel and polish as a story completed on its own time. 

I think that was the main problem here. That said, to be perfectly fair, all your reviewers (including me) are comparing this game to the standards that you set for yourself, Will. Comparing this game to the average new story, on the other hand, absolutely blows the latter out of the water, and the fact that we simply expect your work to be amazing when compared to them is worth noting. This is particularly true if it's intended to serve as an ending and a final farewell to these characters. 

Honestly, the other reviewers covered a lot of ground on critiques, such as the romance being incredibly rushed, the story feeling linear and short, and this not quite feeling like an epic climax of an ending. I will throw in that I'm glad you made this so it can also be a stand alone adventure, too. Lastly, all criticisms aside, I really did enjoy this story very much and that's the most important thing in the end. The best crafted book or game in the world isn't any good if it bores you. 

In the end, I thank you for making both series for our entertainment, I think you still did a very respectable job on this story even if it was rushed, and I definitely look forward to seeing your next game.

 

Featured Short Story – Death Walked Into The Village

It was early morning when the sun kissed the sand dunes that Death arrived on the village. Abraham was sitting by the well on guard duty. He waited patiently, tapping the stone of the well as he stared at the horizon, trying to keep watching while protecting himself from the suns rays. Then, one of the house’s exploded as the sky itself struck. The explosion ripped through the ground, sending flying shards of glass, chunks of stone, pieces of metal flying through the air. Abraham screamed and ducked behind the well as ash and dust filled the air. He coughed, now blind as he stumbled forward. Another explosion erupted. His ears were filled with a high-pitched whine as he clutched at his ears, wincing in pain.

 

Abraham managed to stand, checking his body for wounds. By the mercy of God, he wasn't bleeding, or if he was, he wasn't bleeding heavily enough to notice. When the whine died away, it was replaced with the horrible screaming and crying of the others. Children cried for their mothers, the wounded screamed in pain. He recognized one of the crying voices as his mother, and raced towards her.

 

"Somebody help! Please, somebody help!" she cried.

 

By now the ash and dust had cleared enough for Abraham to find her. Her arm was open with a long gash running across it, no doubt from shrapnel, but she paid no notice, pawing at the rubble covering his younger sister Maria. Her frail, tiny body was twisted and broken, covered with a layer of dirt, ash and blood. Abraham dropped to his knees and struggled to lift up a large chunk of stone off her, but couldn't do it. He reached his hand down through the rubble to grab her hand, trying to offer her some hope of getting out of her, but her fingers were clammy and limp. She tried to hold onto his hand, but she didn't have the energy.

 

Abraham pulled back, looking around for help, but the others were all busy. An armless man was pulled from the rubble, begging desperately for help, as the mangled body of what could've been a human or a dog for all Abraham knew was dragged from the rubble. It was clear from where the survivors had already decided Maria was dead. Abraham tried to stand, before collapsing back to his knees. He let out a scream, slamming his fists into the dirt. Maria let out a final few choked breaths, before her final throes of life ceased. Abraham's mother burst into wails once again, and Abraham burst into tears, incapable of doing anything else.

 

Abraham stared up at the sky and in his worst, most blasphemous moment wondered if God was even watching over them anymore, or whether the heathens had killed him and took his place.

 

***

The man who stood in front of the assembly of young men and boys had once represented death and destruction to Abraham.  Now, he was the only symbol of hope Abraham had left. Although most of his companions had been killed in the destruction, he had survived to champion his cause. The night was dark, the only light being the man's torch, which illuminated both his face and the flag that hung next to him.

 

"The enemy is without mercy, without compassion, without anything but hate and greed. Look at what they have done to us today, brothers. We need to fight! We need to destroy them! Death to America! God is great!" he shouted, sticking the torch into the flag.

 

The red, white and blue soon turned to ash as the villagers watched them. Each of them knew their part. Their country was besieged by heathen invaders who cared nothing for their life, spitting death and fire like angels of Shaytan. For the sake of their brothers, their sisters, their wounded, their dying, their dead, their living, their dead, they would need to rise up. They would need to fight, and for the sake of their nation, they would need to win.

 

CYStian Review:

Name: MinnieKing

Member Since:  10/21/2016

Storygames:  Addition, Blast from the Future, Conned, Insanity Castle, Polly wanna cracker?, The Invasion of CYOA, The River of FIre

Review: It’s surprisingly rare to find someone who has written a storygame on a writing site based around storygames. That’s because few people rise above the masses of filth and scum we call consumers due to the fact they’re little more than massive mouths to eat, asses to shit and buggy little eyes to read. To find someone with seven storygames such as MinnieKing is a delightful rarity which usually gives you hours of terrific reading.

Unfortunately, that joy is crushed when you read any of the storygames. What we have here are four stories that barely dance above the line of absolute purging as the absolute bottom of the barrel, and three stories that manage to distinguish themselves in being slightly less shit than the former four. It wouldn’t surprise me if the first four along exist to lower the bar and to make the better three look less shit in comparison.

As well as this, this individual had dedicated a considerable amount of time to the recently expunged tumor of the site known as Forum Games, which in itself is a horrid act worth persecution.

MinnieKing is a figure lacking in intelligence, charm, wit, brevity or even the goodwill to stay silent to avoid forcing us to listen to the cancerous tune of his voice.

But hey, at least he’s not as bad as some fag like Malk or an absolute nerd who publishes nothing like Axiom. Plus, he’s actually quite a good sport about things like this, so fair deuce to him.

Rating: Smeg of the Site that should be purged with Zyklon B

 

Special Section – Why Steve should be made the site’s only Mod

Before you flee, thinking that I’m here to bitch and complain, wait. I have no bragging to be done here. Only irrefutable, logical evidence that I should be made the site’s only Mod. Now, my opponents and enemies might claim my long history of being a dick or the strong reputation of the current mods would show this idea to be foolish. However, these men are fools whose arguments are so full of assumptions they should be dismissed outright.

To begin, we know only one fact, summarized by René Descartes, in “I think, therefore I am”. This means that since you’re thinking these thoughts, you exist. You know nothing else, as since we know our senses can be lied to and deceieved, your senses can’t be used to gather evidence, and these senses are the only way to interact with the outside world.

Now, seeing as we only know our own existence, we have only one fact and nothing else to help either side of our argument. To actually interact with the world, we need to make assumptions. However, we know the argument with the fewest assumptions is the best thanks to Occam’s Razor. We assume that ours senses our accurate for the most part in the picture of the world we paint, rather than assume that we’re plugged into machines, and assume that data is pumped into our brains, and assume that someone has placed us in here. The fewest, most simple assumptions leads to the best worldview.

So let’s look at the Anti-Steve argument. Here, they assume that I’ll act as I always have, they assume End will act as he has, that Killa will act as he has, that Berka, that 3J and that all the ancient and forgotten mods can be trusted and will act as they have. That’s an awful lot of assumptions to make, and if we’re wrong about a single mod, that mod can delete all the site’s storygames and ban many important members, crippling if not destroying the site.

Now, my argument is simple. Assume that I’ll be a good mod. One assumption, no more. The argument is straightforward and completely understandable. Through this, there’s only one person who can slip up and destroy the site rather than having many people with that power. You’re basically reducing the amount of nukes in existence. Here, we have the most logical, straightforward and understandable path.

So come on guys, make me the site’s only mod. The evidence is on my side.

 

Credits

Idea by Jaystarcat, Idea done better by Will11, site member review, article, short story and special section done by Steve24833, story review by Seto

Finally thank you everyone except Ford for taking the time to read this Review.

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago
MinnieKing review is spot on. 10/10 review. didn't even take the time to read anything else so you're not welcome!

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

Oh hey, I got reviewed! Hooray!

*Reads review*

...well that was fun.

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

There was like, at least one not-soul-crushing insult in there. Congratuverylations.

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

Hooray!

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago
Seto spent the entire review apologizing to Will and then didn't get around to writing the actual review.

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

At least you have the CYStian review to keep you happy! :D

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

Sorry >~<

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

Don't worry, my man, you can make it up by doing an article for next week! 

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

Alright, this was excellent, thanks for the laughs!

(Seriously, there's a world of difference between the quality of last week's review and this week's)

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

I wonder who got banned?

Hmm... I actually liked the weekly newspaper this time. It's actually one of the few first weekly newspaper edited by Steve that doesn't involve him lashing out with insults or complaining about Trump building a wall or whatever.

What was your favorite part of the newspaper? Personally, mine was Minnie's interview and Seto's "Review"

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

Damn you Plelb of course my interview was the best part no need for voting it was the best part of the review end of discussion nothing to see here gtfo right now end of talk

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago
I prefer the harsher reviews to be honest. You got lucky that your interview got no insult that'll hurt your feelings.

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

Plelb, no insults hurt my feelings. It's common logic.

Go ahead, do your worst.

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

I accept this challenge that wasn't directed at me in the slightest. You make me want to punch a brick wall, aka, you.

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

1. I insulted Minnie a lot, in what wasn't an interview of him, but a review. Will11 does the reviews. Also, the entire special section was me trying to take power. Damn, if I'm stopped using the review to lash out against stupid bullshit and insult idiots, I'd stop editting it entirely.

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago
I was assuming Plelb hadn't even read it, because that's the only way any part of his post could be explained.

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

If anything Steve doesn’t insult nearly enough people in this Review, which probably explains why it’s not one of his better ones.

I mean sure, he insulted MinnieKing, but that’s like shooting retards in a barrel after you’ve already tied them up and drugged them. Yeah, it’s fun, but everyone does it.

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

Someone commend End's post, please

The Weekly Review - Edition 32

10 months ago

Best post of 2017 so far

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago
Commended by JJJ-thebanisher on 2/6/2017 10:32:25 PM
Hi it’s the Elf Bitch here, ready to lay some truth bombs on you all. I didn’t think Steve would be brave enough to publish something this real, so I’m doing it myself! These newsletters have been praised by admins and touted as ‘good for the community’. Members are ‘encouraged’ aka personally nagged into contributing, but WAKE UP SHEEPLE! It’s all a scam the editors are running to take advantage of you, the hard working CYStian.

Let’s take a look at what putting out a newsletter entails: you send out a few PMs demanding articles, stories, and reviews from people you know are better writers than you. Send a few interview questions to some fool who will probably be flattered by the attention. Google some jokes or something. Then copy and paste the results all together BAM! A fresh, shiny newsletter that will bring you adoration from the masses and a guaranteed gold star commendation from an admin.

What do the people who created the majority of the content that made the newsletter possible in the first place get? Nothing. That’s right, nothing! Zero. Zilch. Nada.

Need proof? Let’s look at Issue 31. It consists of: 1.) an excellent sci-fi story by yours truly, 2.) some hastily assembled drunken ramblings containing nothing of interest or value, much like Steve himself. 3.) that’s it. My included story is the only thing keeping it from being an embarrassing failure, the worst the site has ever seen (much like Steve himself) and yet who receives the glorious mark of divine approval from JJJ? That’s right, Steve! Obviously this injustice throws everything we ever believed in into chaos, the mods can’t be trusted, and the only way to restore balance to CYS is for me to travel to Ireland in person, slice the commendation that is rightfully mine back out of Steve with a pair of kitchen shears and leave him with a steaming pile of his own entrails. (That he can later upload onto the site, where it will probably be featured.)

But, this seems like a lot of effort, and would likely raise legal issues even in a third world country like Ireland, and so I decided just to write this article instead.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking this newsletter scam ends with Steve, though. No, Will is a part of it too. Will invented and perfected this damnable system, and having been at it for awhile, he’s far guiltier than Steve.

Let me draw your attention to Issue 31. This is an issue Will edited, where I provided the article, the story, AND the review. All he had to do was send some copy and pasted interview questions to ZagHero, one of the most gullible and easily manipulated site members, do a google search for funny book titles, and he had a commendation-winning review. And I don’t think it’s exaggerating to call it the BEST review the site has ever seen, thanks to my heavy contributions of obvious unmatchable quality. Your friendly neighborhood Elf Bitch, of course, did not receive one single bit of the credit.

Absolutely shameful, right? Does that outrage you? But wait, there’s more! Look again. What is Zag? A Sage. Now what am I? That’s right, also a Sage.

Now...what is WILL?

If you guessed ‘Architect’, you’d be right. As despicable as Steve is, after having my hard work stolen by him, I could at least console myself with the knowledge that was one more commendation going on the Sage pile, to be used for the greater good. But to be robbed by an Architect? What Will did was nothing less than an act of war.

Which brings me to my greater point here: Sages, don’t get complacent. (And I know most of you reading this are Sages. All of you who matter, really.) Don’t ever forget there are others looking at our place on the top with envious eyes. We may be unquestionably in the lead at the moment, but the lesser Orders are not above using devious and underhanded schemes to try and make up for their natural inferiority. While everyone looked the other way, for instance, IronPanther scored /63 points/ for the hated Wardens. And by what? Writing a story? What is THAT bullshit?

The Wardens play dirty, and we lost a significant part of our superiority buffer. One more vicious advance like that and they’d even be...ahead of the Sages, as much as it pains me to say it. (’Ahead of us’ only in the cold, contextless calculations of the site, if you’ll permit me to point out the obvious. In matters of morals, culture, intelligence, divine favor and genetic purity, the Sages will remain unchallenged.)

Before the Wardens are able to press the advantages afforded by their new position in the rankings, we Sages need to look into these ‘storygame’ things ourselves. Their power seems devastating and may reshape the entire battlefield. We could very well be on the brink of a whole new era of warfare here.

Secondly, in addition to revealing the disgusting villainy and corruption the site’s newsletter editors indulge in, with the tacit approval of the admins, let me once again point out the obvious: no one wants to see the newsletters removed entirely. That would be throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

But while we’ll remain tireless in pushing for an arrangement to uphold the rights to equal points for equal work, let’s remind ourselves that the only legitimate newsletter on CYS can be by Sages, for Sages, and put pressure on Steve to keep it that way. Write letters to the editor, make your voices heard! If the indolent Marauders, the Architects, the Wardens, want the kind of newsletter that will ‘represent’ and pander to them, they should create one for themselves.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

I'm at the risk of repeating myself here, but I'll do it anyways | "Someone commend Mizal's post, please!"

While I love the Orders system for being a discount Harry Potter alterverse where the Hufflepuffs are Architects, my sagacious instincts remain indifferent to whoever wins the house cup in a given year. (Marauders would be Slytherin led by Snape/End, it's a toss up between who's Ravenclaw and Gryffindor)

Aside, I'm a bit disquieted by any faction, let alone the venerable Sages claiming...  genetic purity over the others, the rest I can abide by. 

Onwards fellow writers and writers-in the waiting, turn your gaze away from the evil comforting Eye of the Lounge and its (time) killing ways! Write! Write for ruin, and the world's ending!

 

Thank you for the satirical humor, mizal

On a more practical note, a way of sharing commendations/multiple commendations for one post or the like may be worth looking into (FWW anyone?)

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Orders are for faggots who are too weak to stand by their own merits. If the mods had any balls they'd grant my requested exile and leave my joint the Orderless, for without Order there is Chaos, and where there is Chaos, I win.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

A problem there, mate. At first you're the only Orderless, and it's fine. Then someone is cast aside, and now you're two. Soon the ranks of the Orderless swell like a summer flood, in search of your acerbic wit. Soon thereafter come the councils, the unions, the requests for a fair wage and political correctness. Before you know it, all you've achieved is making a fifth Order, this story cannot end well. Your Chaos spins its own order, you cannot win this game, the game plays you.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Pffh, there's no bond between orderless. If we're all orderless, we're as we once were. Chaos always thrives, fool.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

While I completely agree with your exposition of the commendation/point scam that is the Weekly Review, I'm disappointed that you had to frame it in the context of inter-order rivalry, instead of a unifying call to overthrow the tyranny of Will11 and Steve24833. What could have been a glorious communal revolution to seize the means of Cystian propaganda will therefore probably turn into yet another rivalrous thread derailment. Though such a short-sighted and narrow-minded thing could have obviously been expected from a mere sage. 

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Go ahead. The Weekly Review was the only one to survive the newspaper wars. It will survive again.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago
Look, I know what gets the masses fired up around here, and right now that is Orders. Steve and Will are too in with the admins to be overthrown by ordinary means, what's needed is something like tragic accidental arson during the general rioting.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

"ZagHero, one of the most gullible and easily manipulated site members"

Wow, that's pretty spot-on.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Would you believe me if I said I'm an actual orange?

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Mama always said anyone could be anything.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Would you believe me if I said I was a genderless child?

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Intersex people exist.

So, yes.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Would you believe me if I said  I was a Yeti?

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Would you believe me if I said I tell a lot of bad jokes?

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Boi, I know you tell a lot of bad jokes.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Yeah, you do more then anyone.

Oh by the way, I drank soup during the superbowl. I thought the superbowl was bullshit.

Guess it was a Soup-er-bull!

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

*chokes*

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

What happens when a guy selling fruit comes to your house?

Invite 'im in!

Get it? Fruit? Invite 'im in sounds like "Vitamin?" Get it?

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Maybe a guy selling dietary supplements would make more cents.

Get it, cuz he's selling stuff? 

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Zag, that was the best bad joke i've ever heard. In other words, it's shitty.

How to you get a Pikachu onto a bus?

Poke him on!!

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago
Please stop.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Ok, i'll stop. That was my last bad joke for today.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago
No. I mean forever.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

No fucking deal. Bad jokes to me are like oxygen to the average human.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago
A human can only go for 6 minutes without oxygen. Following this logic, you can't go through the rest of the day without a bad joke, making your claim utter bullshit.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

That reminds me, what do you call and evil cow?

Utter terror.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Where do you get all these from? XD

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

What? I can't reply i'm playing pokemon rn.

Nvm, I beat the game. I guess my jokes just form in my mind, they're onix-pected.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago
laffy taffy wrappers

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago
Don't change the subject, especially when it's another shitty joke.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Shitty jokes are my forte.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago
You should focus on using PMs as your forte.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Ew! I'll have you know I don't pee on monkeys!

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago
If I wanted that acronym to mean "pee on monkeys", I would've used "POMs" instead.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

You're a cheerleader?

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago
If I wanted that acronym to imply that I was a cheerleader, I would've used "POM-POMs" instead.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Banner mabye keep your Meowth shut, there's no Shaymin admitting my bad jokes are hilariously bad. Ekans see that you're in denial, so i'll just say to you that no dream is too Farfetch'd. Good Eevee-ning, Banner.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago
Goodbye to you as well, Minnie. Have fun playing Digimon.

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Do you even...

*Facepalm*

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago
Would you believe me if I said I've replaced old forum posts with lists of information about site members and alts in order to keep track of statistics in certain old threads?

Who reviews the Review?!

10 months ago

Yeah, I probably would.