I pick "The Chosen Child." I thought the writing was much more sophisticated, and I really liked how it worked to evoke a particular atmosphere and tone, leaning more on those things than plot.
The Chosen Son. I liked how the chosen hero was barely in the story at all, it worked out very well for it. The story itself seemed more composed than The Golden Hero and had didn't leave me wondering as much as The Golden Hero did. I didn't really like the ending of The Chosen Son, but as a story it was entertaining.
I think mizal pointed it out; I expected the edgy murder of his actual son because of his devotion to the queen. I'm just a sucker for the whole "prophecy" trope. I wouldn't see it as negative because this is well written and the parallels through it are great. The ending you wrote is probably the more realistic thing that would happen and I could see where the story can continue.
As far as voting, my opinion on the ending wasn't a huge factor because the story you wrote was very enjoyable to read.
Story 2, The Chosen Child
2 has a stronger flavor
Story 2 is marginally better. They're both terrible.
I vote for story 2.
First of all: congratulations. Neither of you backed out, unlike the other two duels, so other people didn’t have to take your place in the arena. One of you will be admired for doing this, the other thought of as foolish. Others have cast their votes and I think it’s clear who the winner will be, but I’m here to give an in-depth review on these two stories in effort to benefit you both.
-Firstly, there are a lot of SPAG mistakes in this story, especially when I’m terms of tense. I’m going to point out three and how to fix them.
-There is a lot of telling in this plot. The third person omniscient narrator seems to simply tell us whatever we need to know in the moment, which ruins the impact of some of the more heartfelt moments. Don’t tell us Mathis ‘so wanted’ friendship, show us. There are video essays online that can help with this.
-One positive here is the plot is pretty well paced and structured. The motif of the golden hero being twisted several times, so that we as the audience are kept guessing as to what or who it is, is clever and kept me on my toes throughout the text.
-First of all, what an ending. I was split between thinking the POV was going to kill his own son or direct his blade towards the enemy. Either way, this stuck out as a strength of the story: incredibly well written. I would like to see an alternate ‘son-slaying’ version though.
-This story does not have any SPAG errors from what I can see, but it does have some words that seem to be missing.
Eg: ‘He saw other soldiers here and there, former comrades who had ditched theirs out of fear, or wore it like any other set of dusty rags. His own uniform he still wore properly, clean as he could keep it and in good repair.’ I’m assuming ‘theirs’ refers to the other soldier’s armour, but with no talk of armour before this it is rather confusing on the first read through. There’s one more missing word in the text, can you find it?
-The *-* marks are internet grammar and, while serviceable, shouldn’t be used in a serious text. A simple fix is to replace them with italics, which is far more socially acceptable (and not used by role playing furries).
Overall I give my vote to story two.
It happens. Well done for your victory.
Well, gotta say Soy, you've beaten me by a landslide. Haha, you've got some fine ass prose written down there. Good story too. Well, and I haven't written a short story in years, so I'll dutifully take this defeat. No hard feelings.
Feel free to send me a drawing request in the ol' thread "Beef with Soy". I do both traditional as well as digital art. Eh, I'm pretty okay with characters, but not that much with backgrounds and animals. (Had an old drawing thread if you want some reference to the average quality) So do with that what you will.
I wish you good luck fighting Ebon!
Survivors log, day fifteen:
I'm losing hope I'll ever get closure on my story's success or failure. She said she'd finish this fourteen days ago, dear god I'm alone.
I scratch at the side of my cell, my nails now nipped by the contact with the concrete. Once I'm done with the daily task of listing the length of time I've been trapped here with lines on the wall, I spend a few hours bashing at the bars. They never bend. They'll never break. My fingers bleed; my hands are blue with bruises, the skin swelling from being slammed into steel. The first week or so I tried to scream, hoping someone passing the perimeter of my prison might hear it: thus far they've failed to, either that or they're deaf. Wouldn't that be ironic.
My room contains a cramped bed with sheets that might make for a nice noose were it not for the fact the ceiling is flush. Two lights shine into the cell, though these are contained in two five foot holes in the wall. I couldn't start a fire with them, or electrocute myself. Even if I could reach them, I couldn't cut myself with the bulbs. They look to have been made out of plastic. My final thought was to bash my brains out on the wall, but each time I begin to bleed I fall into a deep sleep and don't die.
I know who's trapped me here. I know why. It's that stupid story I sent to be the stand in for some flaky fucker: it's stuck on equal votes and Mizal won't sort that shit out. She promised to do it TWICE now, but simply hasn't. It's fine I suppose. She does deserve some time to roleplay as a vampire and discuss Ford's futa fetish, but the excuses she pulls are starting to become exotic. It's been two days since she last stated anything about the thread, though even that she failed to follow up on. I don't even care if I lose to some noob now, I want my pity points, or some feedback I suppose.
Until then, here I wait, hungry and helpless. The cat food that appears in my abode each morning is slowly being reduced each day.
I may cry
No reason to be so ashamed to admit that you've been a little busy. I was busy with friggin exams too! At times I have forgotten to check up on things as well. As you are no longer in red, I don't see a reason to needlessly pester you anymore. If you want to have my useless opinion, you have gotten my respect for beating me to filthy pulp.
Regarding the art, after that Ford debacle months ago (which I will not further elaborate), I refuse to draw any NSFW content, so please keep your drawing request some form "family friendly", okki? Other than that, throw your wildest ideas at me and I'll try to make it reality. Might not be as good as MHD, but my drawing skills are at least better than a 5 year old with crayons.
Have a nice holiday Soy! :)