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Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

yesterday
All right, time to put the new kids through their paces. Blister and Avo both appeared out of nowhere very recently, and made themselves right at home with ONE BILLION posts, proving all other Newbie threads to be just rookie numbers. Avo has melted cold, icy, edgelord hearts with her perpetually confused wholesomeness, and Blister started a popular thread in the Writing Workshop and seems fairly wholesome too despite being a teenage boy. (the worst form of humanity.) Both are reading storygames and they don't need to be bribed with contest points to do it. But of course to truly test them, we needed to see some writing. So once again the Thunderdome gates roll open to the sound of the chanting crowd...and funny thing is, there was actually supposed to be a third combatant making a surprise appearance this evening, but they got lazy. Better luck next time. So, Avo walks out with a teddy bear, Blister has a baseball bat. Er, this might get ugly. Let's uh, just skip right to the stories shall we? And remember, these stories are ANONYMOUS. You all will have no idea who wrote what. It's actually impossible, unless you have mind reading powers, or you're some kind of stalker. ***** The Prompt, brought to you in this post by the Complaining Dutchman: write a story about an undersea treasure

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

yesterday
Story A Atocha: Lost at Sea Early in the morning, July 20th, 2022 in Forrest Meadows, California. "What's the assignment for today?" asked Adam Fisher, head detective at the Murphy's detective agency. "One, I'm sure you'll enjoy," Lieutenant supervisor Charles Pinkerson said, setting down a file that Adam read aloud: "Atocha: Lost at Sea"... "But this was already found and all the treasure was taken, is there a reason why you're bringing this up, Lieutenant Pinkerson?" Adam questioned, obviously curious and confused, but knowing that his supervisor wouldn't bring him a 40-year-old case, he awaited with anticipation for the explanation. "Well, it is true that it was found and most of the treasure was either lost or taken, however we aren't putting together an investigation and search team under your lead to find the remaining treasure on the Nuestra Señora de Atocha, but a missing compartment of the boat that is said to hold an even rarer and more valuable treasure. No one really knows what it is, and we would like to find it before word gets out and half of the world's national treasure hunters are on our tail." Adam listened attentively and showed signs of interest. "We both know that I love treasure stories and enjoy diving all over the world, so what's first?"... "Hey honey. How are you feeling?" Drake Myers was currently in his wife Mel Myers' hospital room, where she was undergoing her 4th round of chemotherapy due to her neuroblastoma disease. "I have been better." Mel began to laugh before quietly coughing up a storm. "Ok, take it easy, you'll have a lot of time to laugh freely when this is all over." The senior nurse tried to reassure Mel as she began to make sure everything was set up. "Well babe, looks like it is time for me to go, I’m gonna try to find the best way to get this settled." Drake kissed his wife's cheek before getting up and heading out the door. "Bye, love you," Mel responded before turning her attention to the doctors and nurses. Drake began to look up the cure for his wife's disease. He eventually found out there was a cure, Danyelza, but it was one of the most expensive cures in the world, costing one million dollars. Drake was astonished at the price! His career as a Marine Biologist only had a salary of $40k a year at Landry's Inc. in Texas, and he currently only had a net income of $90k. He decided to call it a day since it was 9pm and he had been researching and trying to find out ways to make enough money to pay for the Danyelza since 4pm. It was a new day, a fresh new morning, sunny with no clouds in sight. Adam and his group of 5 headed to the Meadows Field Airport to get to Florida Keys in nine hours. Once they arrived, they continued to conduct research on the Nuestra Señora de Atocha, but didn’t find much about the secret compartment. Drake woke up at 7am and ate his breakfast while proceeding to research for a way to earn enough money for the Danyelza. After looking through many different opportunities he finally came across a case of an artifact that would not only allow him to pay for the cure for his wife, but set them up for life. He then headed to SEARCH, Inc., which had some of the best marine archaeologists in the world and sometimes looked for sunken ships and artifacts. He met with the company owner, Kane Broen, to find out if they could help him. After talking, they made arrangements for Drake to go with a team of the archaeologists to Florida, where Drake would then meet up with a team currently looking for the sunken treasure. Surprisingly, it took Adam's team a few days in order to get all the equipment and gear they'd need to make sure they could make multiple trips to look for the treasure, which they had only been given one month to find. Drake's team arrived with all their necessary equipment a day before Adam's team took to the waters off the Florida Keys, where the Atocha had originally been shipwrecked, nearly 35 miles off the coast of Key West. However, Drake's team had only 2 weeks to find the treasure. Both teams set sail on July 26th, where they'd be 5 miles apart, but without knowledge of each other's existence. For the first 6 days, there was no progress from either team, and the two boats had crossed paths several times, but no conversation about either team was made. Both teams seemed to figure out that they were after the same thing, however, the 7th day provided some promise, as Adam's team recovered a little of the treasure from the shipwreck: 20 ounces of gold and 33 ounces of silver totaling 47k dollars. Both teams decided to preserve their findings in museums. Both teams continued to search and found little things such as gold, silver, and even a few of the sailors' possessions from 1622. Drake's archaeologist team was given two more weeks due to their findings. As well as finding possessions of the sailors, they found massive dents in seamounts and some man-made structures that were also smashed and destroyed. One night, after another sighting of a seamount that seemed to have resulted in a massive landslide, Adam's crewmate that worked in Florida Keys told a legend about something that 'ruled' the area they were searching, maybe even a cause of the Atocha's shipwreck back in 1622. "The legend goes along like this: 'Years ago... I think maybe 500 years... there was a simple caravel that carried a crew of 23 Spaniards who were sailing across the Florida Keys waters, led by Juan Ponce de León's fleet, and had been lost from a storm and separated from the fleet. They continued their journey through the waters, and one night, there was a big bump that slightly tilted the caravel, and there was a loud screech sounded below the sailboat, alerting the crew, but the crew had no time to react before some huge, scaled, multi-colored tail smashed the boat into two. Only a few members of the crew survived and swam to the Florida Keys.' Ever since then, there have been numerous sightings of a mysterious creature threatening boats. I have even encountered this beast, but no one really has seen it closely or clearly to tell what it is. It may just be a whale after all." The crew continued their work, and every once in a while shared tales about the sea and other legends they had heard. After 3 weeks of searching the Florida Keys, they still hadn't found anything about the secret compartment, and both teams of marine biologists and archaeologists started to doubt the possibility of the secret compartment's existence. To make matters worse, Drake just got a call from the hospital that his wife had just had a relapse and was now in critical condition, and she wanted to talk to him. "Hey babe, how's the search going?" she asked in a weak voice, but her happiness despite her condition was evident in her voice. "Not too good, found some gold and silver from the shipwreck, but nothing else… but we need to talk about you, how are you feeling?" Obviously concerned, Drake needed to know if he should go see her in the hospital, or continue his search for the "secret compartment." They continued talking. Mel was getting considerably weaker as the days went by. The doctors were only giving her a month left to live. They agreed that Drake would continue the search for one more week, and then return to the hospital, no matter what. The next day both crews headed out into the ocean at first light, on August 18th. After several hours of searching, Drake's solar scanner picked up something huge, causing it to blare constantly, sending the crew into panic. Within seconds waves crashed against the boat, as the boat began to keel, threatening to capsize. As the crew struggled to keep the boat afloat, they heard a loud shriek, one that was below them, and just as the waves started, they died back down, leaving the crew astonished. It didn't last long however, as the boat was smashed into pieces, launching the crew into the air, in multiple different directions. Luckily, Drake and the marine archaeologists had put on their scuba gear. Unfortunately a few of the crew members were knocked unconscious, some of their gear damaged, and some of them severely injured, yet Drake only had a minor cut on his left hand, causing a bit of blood to bleed out into the water. The loud commotion and waves threatening Adam's vessel drew the crew's attention to the destroyed boat, and Adam instantly plummeted into the ocean and swam over. The rest of the crew followed suit. Finally with their team underwater, they got a glimpse of the legendary beast. A greenish-blue scaled seahorse that floated at 25 feet tall. It began to dart towards the divers, smashing into every obstacle in its way. The legendary creature knocked a few of the divers into a spiral as it smashed into Adam's boat, denting it, causing it to keel completely over and sink slowly. Only some of the equipment left was not damaged, leaving a few harpoons with their quivers, nets, trowels, picks, and one underwater drone. The massive seahorse did a U-turn and headed over to the remainder of the conscious crew and stopped, its eyes moving back and forth between the crew. The silent seconds were filled with anxiousness and unease, causing an accidental harpoon fired toward the creature, slightly penetrating its scales, causing a loud shriek and a swift swing of its tail toward the crew, dispersing them. Drake and Adam ended up on one side of Adam's sunken boat, and the rest of the divers on the other side. "We need to form a plan!" Drake shouted, shooting a harpoon, lodging it into the side of the beast. "Ok, how about we put the net around the beast's head and make a run for it?" Adam responded, tying two nets onto the drone. "Ok, but where will we go?" questioned one of the archaeologists. "Well, we had sent an S.O.S out when we found y'all's boat in pieces, so hopefully they will come rescue us. Let's just try to stick together and figure it out as we go?" Adam then sent the drone towards the seahorse, catching its head in the nets, causing another shriek from the seahorse as it began to try to break free of the net, sending the drone flying through the ocean. The crew began to swim, using the ocean's habitat to their advantage as they swam deeper and away from the seahorse. After about 15 minutes of swimming their air started to run low, and they began to resurface. On the way up, Drake spotted an odd-looking box made of something that resembled pine wood with rusted iron latches. He descended and struggled to open it. Adam pursued him and handed him a knife to pry the iron latches, and they found inside a perfect-condition, 150-carat, tinted half red and half blue diamond. "Is this it!? The sunken treasure is an extremely rare diamond!" Drake began to ascend along with Adam. Once on the surface, the crew was spotted by the Coast Guard and helped aboard the boat, and taken to the nearest hospital. A few days later… The diamond was displayed under Adam and Murphy's detective agency, alongside SEARCH, Inc., before being placed in the Smithsonian's National Museum of Natural History. The money was split between the divers, while Mel received the Danyelza, was cured, and released from the hospital.

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

yesterday
Story B: Monumentals Ocean perils ___________________________________________ Hi. I’m Radiance. Weird name? Not to me. The world I live on is Earth 6, because we recreated an earth-like environment on this world since human population expands so much. This comes long, long after the unpublished CYS book Demon Dolls. Humans discovered magic a while ago and combined with tech, advancement accelerated quickly. Monumentals are massive creatures that appear like a combination of creatures, natural or mythological. Usually natural. Their DNA represents those animals as well. I live on a small island, in this particular Earth, there’s less of countries and tech and more of do what you feel like. I open the front door and, basket in hand, head down to the orchard to pick apples. My grandma slowly walks to the door, heavily leaning on her cane and panting. She’s 96 but won’t listen to me when I tell her to just rest and stop pushing herself. “Remember, stay far away from the shoreline!” she says in as loud a voice as she can manage. She always says this, even though she knows I’m well informed of the dangers of the water. We live on top of a turtle monumental. Original, I know. Going into the ocean would be dangerous because monumentals are dangerous. I begin picking apples, but I guess our good fortune of having long lives and a comfortable lifestyle is over because something woke Alimi [Al-leem-eye]. And yes, in this world the turtle is the animal of wisdom instead of the owl. If you didn’t know, the name Alimi (IRL) means one who is learned or scholar. This island had full blown mountains, the size of this turtle is unthinkable. The ground shakes violently beneath me and I fall to the ground, but it smoothes out and stops. I cautiously get up and just as I’m wondering what happened I’m knocked flat to the ground. The ground isn’t shaking, it’s going up at an alarming speed. Oh no! Grandma! She’s probably hurt! When I can get up though, I look over the edge of the beach and I am speechless. There's a seemingly infinite ocean in every direction. The turtle beneath us has stood up and we’re hundreds if not thousands of feet into the air. Then, I head back to my grandma. She was chopping vegetables and almost decapitated herself when the slam down happened, but besides that she’s completely fine, just a bit scared. I explain what I saw to her. “Someone or something woke up Alimi? What a fearless soul they must be.” She says in her creaky old voice. “This is bad. Bad, bad, bad. Very bad indeed, there will likely be shaking and slamming up and down and such. Right now, since the ocean floor is flat and the water does not pull on Alimi’s feet, it’s smooth sailing but things will be chaotic and difficult.” And just as I’m nodding my head in agreement, the whole place starts shaking again. I had left the door open and now fall out of it. Our house is atop a hill so I keep falling and tumbling and rolling until, to my horror, I fall over the edge. I fall rapidly and the last thing I hear before I impact on the water’s surface and black out is my grandmother screaming. Who knows how long later ________________________ I become conscious again. I don’t immediately open my eyes, but I feel warm. When I do open my eyes, I’m alarmed to see an eye over 10 times my size just a foot away from me, staring right at me. The eye pulls away and I see the massive head, the size of 5 Mount Everests combined. Her neck goes into a large pool that goes into a water filled cave system and for a moment I panic that everyone I’ve ever known is dead but Alimi seems to know where my distress is coming from. She slams her head backwards, smashing the stone wall there revealing a larger cave that Amimi seems to have made herself with the help of a monumental with claws that cleave through stone. Her back sticks above the water so that all those occupying the space on her shell don’t drown or get forced out. It occurs to me then that maybe some of the monumentals care about us humans and that Alimi may have never been a danger to us. She lowers her head and moves it closer until it’s brushing the ledge I’m on. I only hesitate for a moment, there’s nothing else for me to do and I have no reason not to trust Alimi now so I hop on and she slides me back onto my island, in front of my house but she stares at me too long with what I think is a sympathetic expression. Then a knot of fear and denial forms in my stomach. When I go in, my grandma’s going to be there, healthy and alive. When I walk in, I stop short. The worst has happened. At one point, she really DID decapitate herself and I don’t feel, hear, see, or anything about the world anymore. It’s just me and those blank eyes. Those horrible, terrible, blank, dead, eyes. I don’t cry. The tears just never come. At one point, I get up stiffly. When I walk out, I’m amazed. I’m encompassed in a bubble that covers my island, and Alimi is swimming forward and downward. I’m confused, but we see a massive glowing orb and I’m startled. There are many monumentals, ones that came out of nowhere from mytho (short for mythology) like the loch ness monster and others that are a combination of different things like a eel-sardine-shark I see somewhere to the side. Alimi presses her face against the orb, and some sort of rune on her head begins glowing. It was dim, but gets brighter and brighter and I look away and close my eyes and when I think I’m gonna go blind it stops and I turn to see Alimi is heading back up to the surface, but no longer at the sluggish pace that I thought was normal, she’s pretty fast now. I know that orb, from a fairytale. It’s the Ocean Core, also known as the treasure of the seas. Evil people who want to steal it for wealth have looked for it for centuries before deeming it a myth. It’s the source of energy for all sea creatures, because they’re vegetarian so animals like sharks that can’t eat plants or enough plants or are eating too many plants and screwing up the ecosystem come here. Without it, all sea life would collapse. Suddenly, Alimi makes a panicked shriek and all the sea creatures swim away as fast as they possibly can or surround the orb, which Alimi does too. Now I see why, a massive submarine with the symbol of one of the major pirate crews plastered on one side is approaching the orb. Of course, the first thing they do is fire a missile at Alimi. She cries out and the last thing I see is the pirates securing the orb in some sort of mechanical claw as my world blows up with me in it.

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

yesterday
Please, as you usually do, vote below and make a purely objective choice based on which of these completely anonymous stories you just read, with no idea of who wrote what.

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

21 hours ago

Well, neither one had much of a satisfying ending to me (only A seemed to actually have an ending, but it was basically one sentence long; Story B is just "I blew up."). But Story B won me over with the giant turtle islands and maybe like 5% more description. Also, I'm not a fan of relationships without animosity or major cracks, so if you put one in there needs to be some sort of inner turmoil. By that I mean, for Story A, we have one partner dying of cancer. In that case, the other partner should be feeling some guilt at the resentment they've harbored over the years, you know? Something like that. Or regret at not spending enough time with them. Or regret at being suspicious for years they were cheating. Or regret that YOU cheated on them. I just don't like clean relationships.

Unfortunately both stories had that, "This, then this, then this, the end" kind of shape for much of them, with extremely abrupt endings. Story A had some more of a sort of resolution, but the giant turtles and more empathetic or intuitive description style were more appealing to my tastes. I prefer more visual to factual description, like infinite oceans, giant turtles, bighter and brighter lights, and so on.

Consequently I vote Story B.

EDIT: this review is poorly written. Don't worry about it, folks. All you need to see is "I vote Story B." ;)

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

16 hours ago
Well. This was certainly an interesting one. Not sure who chose the names for each one or if they just jumbled up some YA and poorly made detective novels, put them in a blender, and then shat out whatever was left.

Story A:
It was fine, I guess. The author's inexperience with life felt clear and pervasive, especially in the way they write relationships. This author also tends to assume the reader is dumb, or lacks context-based abilities to solve.
>Neurobastoma disease
We can gather easily that Neuroblastoma must be something cancer based from the chemotherapy portion, and therefore it's not hard to assume the disease sounding name is a disease without you expressing that directly.
The dialogue in this scene is excruciatingly unnatural. In fact, most of the dialogue in this story is unnatural. It's not engaging. On a traditional scale, I'd give it 3/8.

Story B:
AHHHH. NOT THE DIRECT ADDRESS TO THE READER WHEN THE STORY IS TOLD IN FIRST PERSON POINT OF VIEW. Very developmentally accurate for a twelve year old, although it still hurts my soul just a bit. I mean, I have no clue who wrote these stories. The story isn't fully finished, or perhaps the guide showing pronunciation after a name is intentional. Regardless, it's just unpolished. The pacing is almost as poor as my own and speeds up too quickly. Maybe utilize all three days next time, Avo. I mean, mystery author. 2/8.

I would go more in depth on my reasoning, but I'd be here all day. Unfortunately, I have schoolwork to do, regular work to do, and so many errands. Story A has it.

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

15 hours ago
First of all, congrats to you both on writing these! They shows promise. There’s a lot you’re both doing right. In story A, the plot is grounded and tight, everything is communicated clearly, movement is consistently good, and many of the issues it does have are extremely fixable. In story B, the worldbuilding creates an original and interesting conflict, and the narration is often clever about working in characterization and worldbuilding. I’m going to be getting into the weeds on things you guys can improve, but you should be proud of yourselves for getting this far. Looking forward to see how your writing styles develop in the future!
I vote story B, but it was very, very close, and probably more a matter of opinion than objectivity. Ultimately story A just felt a bit too detached, while story B did a better job at building up the characters and conflict.

STORY A:

- "But this was already found and all the treasure was taken, is there a reason why you're bringing this up, Lieutenant Pinkerson?" Adam questioned, obviously curious and confused, but knowing that his supervisor wouldn't bring him a 40-year-old case, he awaited with anticipation for the explanation. --This is redundant: You could end the sentence after ‘questioned’ and it would mean the same thing. We can tell what Adam is thinking based on what he said; repeating it just comes across as clumsy. You do this a lot with your dialogue during this piece, so I recommend going over it, seeing if you can find other examples, and trying your hand at cutting them down.
- This feels like an “as you know” conversation where characters discuss something they both already know just so the audience gets the information. It always feels a bit contrived. There are ways of getting around this, like introducing a character who doesn’t know the backstory, or giving them a more specific reason to rehash old information.
- “Adam listened attentively and showed signs of interest.” --Good communication of Adam’s state of mind, but you can take it to the next level by showing instead of telling. We can probably get that Adam is interested from his words & posture. What ARE those signs of interest? Does he lean in more closely? Sit up straighter? Switch his attention from something that was distracting him? Ask probing questions?
- The scene break wasn’t super clear. We usually signal this with three stars: ***, or a line break or something.
- “Danyelza” sounds absolutely ridiculous, it’s exactly the type of thing a pharmacy company would name their drug. 10/10 accuracy points.
- The victory at the end feels un-earned. They just happened to find the secret compartment floating in the sea?

OVERALL:
The dialogue feels unnatural, like these characters are writing rather than talking. When speaking, people usually use much shorter sentences, nicknames, casual phrasings, and so on. All the conversations here feel very formal and performative, as if the characters know there’s an audience they need to deliver the lines to, and most of the characters sound the same. This makes them come across as wooden and flat. I didn’t really get a sense of anyone’s personality, or develop much attachment to them.
This story has a lot of summarizing narration. (I assume much of this is due to the word limit, but it still stands.) Summarizing narration has its place, but in this story, I think you’d be better served replacing the research & search montage with a few plot-important scenes to show what’s happening. For example, you could dramatize Drake’s conversation with Broen, or the building tension as the 2 boats pass each other, or telling the story of the legendary creature. Whatever you need to build up the plot & characters. (You do this well in many cases; like Drake’s phone call with Mel.)
When you do use summarizing narration, it’s more important to quickly communicate the gist than to give the reader a detailed blow-by-blow. We don’t need to know what time Drake started & stopped his research, his exact salary, or the steps his search team took.
Of more importance is the relevance to the characters and plot. Drake’s salary is only important because it affects his ability to help his wife. The time spent looking for the wreck is only important because they’re on a clock. That’s where the emphasis should be. (Though you wouldn’t want to over-emphasize this either—it too would be best communicated through a couple dramatized scenes. It’s a delicate balance.)
On the whole, this concept was WAY too ambitious for the prompt. You could write a 10k or 20k story with this idea. As it was, you didn’t have time to develop a proper conflict. There was plenty of potential material: growing tension between 2 competing divers, and increasingly ominous hints of a legendary monster; culminating in a climax where the 2 teams have to get over their differences and cooperate to survive. That’s a potentially good conflict and arc, but I only get a glimpse of it by squinting through the unnecessary details and overly-summarized narration. There just wasn’t enough space to do the idea justice, so it read more like a newspaper article summary than a full story.
If you did want to tell this as a 2k short story, reducing it to the climax could probably work. Most of the necessary backstory could be delivered as summary narration, dialogue, and internal musing.

STORY B:
- Narrator-speaking-to-the-audience can work, but it usually needs a frame (or just to be a little more subtle).
- Ah. So. Uh. These are supposed to be anonymous, and referencing a project you’re working on is a dead giveaway.
- This whole first section of worldbuilding information would be better communicated slowly over time through narration, dialogue, and action.
- “My grandma slowly walks to the door, heavily leaning on her cane and panting. She’s 96 but won’t listen to me when I tell her to just rest and stop pushing herself.” --This is pretty good characterization. You’re using first person retelling so that second line is allowed. This characterizes them both pretty well: the grandmother through the specific details you’re using to describe her, and Radiance through how she describes and reacts to those details. Efficient writing.
- The grandmother’s warning is also good—this is exactly how you want to deliver worldbuilding information, by tying it to an event that has a reason to happen. The grandmother has a motive to warn Radiance of the shore, even though it’s something they both know, and then it gives Radiance and excuse to talk about why the shoreline is dangerous. Ideally you’ll find a way to do this with all your worldbuilding information.
- Radiance saying something woke Alimi doesn’t really make sense since there’s no way for her to know that yet. You’ve got a present-tense past-tense spillover problem.
- …do you KNOW how big mount Everest is? (And does Radiance? It’s a bit weird of her to be that specific in her description while she’s so shocked.)
- Alimi turning out to have the human’s safety in mind could be interesting, but Radiance doesn’t have enough information to know this, and revealing it at this point in the story gets rid of the main point of tension.
- Okay I know this probably isn’t meant to be funny, but “At one point, she really DID decapitate herself” is hilarious.
- Radiance’s reaction is decent—the wording could certainly use polish, but you’ve got the right idea. Maybe try grounding it in her in-the-moment reactions a bit more? Right now it feels a bit too casual to be believable grief.
- Alright the orb worldbuilding doesn’t really make sense, and it’s being thrown at us in the last paragraph. This is way too complicated for a story this size.

OVERALL:
I like the idea. Family deals with changed life as the floating turtle they live on wakes up. But I think this idea is a bit too bogged down by unrelated worldbuilding information from your larger universe. For the context of this story, this doesn’t need to be a far-future world, it doesn’t need to take place in space, we don’t need to know anything about the political situation, and we don’t even really need to know what monumentals are. The worldbuilding is all potentially interesting, but you just don’t have room for it here.
On the whole, I don’t think Radiance’s voice works well for this excerpt. She seems too self-congratulatory about being self-aware, and it’s grating without knowing why she’s speaking like this. It's fine when she's dealing with events in front of her--but it's very jarring every time she steps out of the narrative to define a word for us.
The narration is inconsistent. I often like the way you’re communicating characters’ states of mind by grounding them in dialogue and action. It’s unpolished, but it’s a good start. At other times however, you gloss over events that should be treated as a bigger deal.
Obviously the story is unfinished, since we’re ending on a cliffhanger. Generally thunderdome entries are supposed to be finished works, but we’re usually flexible about that.

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

12 hours ago

First of all, nice job to both for actually turning in something. Shows good effort and promise, especially for a couple of toddlers.

Story A:  As I'm sure has been mentioned, dialogue was very unrealistic.  The scene jumps caused me to re-read a little also since there was no warning.  Perhaps add some extra spacing or something between those to signal some sort of break.  Story was ok, action ok, ending and resolution way too short. Referencing Landry's was a nice touch since their food is decent.

Story B: Radiance is a weird name, but that's cool, I like weird names in stories.  Description is good, and I thought the flow of the prose was a little better than A.  Having a world on the back of a turtle was a nice touch. Pirates came out of nowhere, and the ending was very abrupt without any lead up.

Picking one between these is rather difficult, and I have wavered between them.  However, I think B had slightly better descriptive writing.

Vote is for Story B

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

12 hours ago
Commended by Gryphon on 9/17/2025 3:49:31 PM

Story A

It’s an interesting choice to start with an exact date, which reminds me of historical pieces. I like the use of dialogue to deliver information, but ‘curious and confused’ as a descriptor isn’t needed since it is already implied by the question. This brings me to the first advice: show not tell. It doesn’t always apply, but it adds immersion when you let the reader come to conclusions on their own, rather than telling them outright how to feel. For example: “Adam listened attentively and showed signs of interest.” What signs of interest are these? Did he nod? Or raise an eyebrow? If you want to characterise him while making it very clear, you could use ‘Adam straightened in his seat, like he always did when something piqued his interest’. Same with the part about the cost of treatment. Instead of telling us it was a shocking price, show the character’s reaction. Slow the pacing and ground us in the moment: what happens when the price flashes on the screen? Does he shake his head in disbelief? Glance at different websites to see the same figure listed there, over and over again?

This story has lots of dialogue, which is good to keep the story moving. Yet, there is an overuse of names: we don’t need to know every character’s first and last names, or even their names at all, just those who are important to the story. Think of the reader as being someone who has a limited attention span. You want to draw their attention to only the most relevant of details, filtering out anything that they don’t need to know or doesn’t add to immersion. 

You really like specific numbers, I see. The date at the start, the exact figures of money, specific times of day. Sometimes, this can add to the story, especially if the protagonist is someone who is always thinking in numbers. But paired with the ‘telling not showing’ style, this reads a bit like a summary of a travel competition documentary. The main tip I’ve learnt is that creative writing isn’t about telling your readers what happens. No, it’s about engaging emotions. Getting readers to feel something, to connect to your characters and their struggles so they are either rooting for them to succeed or hoping they would fail (in the event of an unlikable protagonist). This is especially true for the climax. We know what is at stake, but we don’t feel the suspense of the moment as much as we could. For instance, I would have thought that Adam and Drake were competing, hence the significance of the line ‘without knowledge of each other's existence’ - this would have added more tension to the scene. Or if they were worried about their lives, show their panic rather than just their plans. 

Okay, onto some positives! I like the historical spin, it reminds me of the journals of voyagers with all the dates and the things they found while at sea. I also enjoyed the worldbuilding of the legend. In fact, the other Thunderdome thread had legends about aliens and serial killers, but neither one of them felt as vivid or memorable as the legend you’ve created here, so well done! Also, the use of dialogue to slow down pacing was good. This story had a classic happy ending, but it would have had more of an emotional impact if you showed the thoughts and reactions of the protagonists.

Story B

This story is quite different, as it uses a first person pov where the protagonist talks directly to the reader. There are brief infodumps about the world throughout the story which is somewhat jarring. At the start, the protagonist just goes from talking about monumentals to picking apples. This is especially noticeable in the scene after her grandma dies, and despite her depression, a few paragraphs later, she goes on to monologue about the Ocean Core as if nothing happened.

I’m not sure I fully understand the line: ‘in this particular Earth, there’s less of countries and tech and more of do what you feel like.’ Does this mean there are fewer countries? Or that the countries exist but don’t play much of a role in decision making? Who knows, maybe I’m confused because I don’t have enough ‘do what you feel like’ in my life.  And there are slight plot holes in this story, like how monumentals are dangerous, yet the protagonist and community lives on top of one. The reason for this is never explained. Well, I guess that is why she later falls into the ocean. 

Worldbuilding is definitely inventive and creative. I love the idea of monumentals roaming about the world. It’s also very normalized, as the protagonist says things like ‘original, I know’ (which implies that there are some more common monumentals than others) and I see the author has also listed out the pronunciation of Alimi’s name.

While I like that the pacing does immerse the reader a bit more than the previous story, and we actually get to know the protagonist which builds more connection with the reader, there are still a few issues. The way some events are written comes across as unintentionally hilarious rather than suspenseful. For instance, the protagonist just…falls out of the front door? I know I shouldn’t have chuckled, but I did. If you had wanted to make this scene more suspenseful, you could start with her feeling a sense of dread about forgetting something. Then, she sees the open door. Her eyes widen. And there’s a sickening feeling in her stomach as the ground lurches again, sending her flying into the air. She reaches out for her grandma’s hand— she cannot reach it. And she tries to grasp something, anything, that would keep her from falling, but the ground disappears beneath her feet, giving way to an endless expanse of blue. 

The first person narration actually works in this story, as Radiance is an unreliable narrator, and her fear of Alimi is conveyed well through her panicked thoughts before the turtle is revealed not to be a threat. Then, she is placed back onto her island. But now I’m confused, since I thought she lived on an island on top of the turtle. Was the island on the turtle? Or the turtle on the island? 

The grandma decapitating herself seemed to come out of nowhere. Yes, she was old, and kept pushing herself to work, but she never displayed any suicidal tendencies. I think this is something that had to be foreshadowed in advance, otherwise it just comes off as inconsistent characterization. Overall, I think this story tried to cover too much with too few words. A new antagonist, magic system and conflict was introduced at the very end of the story, none of which was foreshadowed before, and then they just destroyed the protagonist and the monumental (which was initially made out to be one of the most powerful forces in that world). Ultimately, it seems more like part of a longer piece that had to be ended abruptly due to word constraints. 

TL;DR

Both stories were rather creative, but suffered from a few polishing issues that came with inexperience. Still, writing is a skill that improves over time and you’re both doing pretty well for beginners. Hopefully you keep writing, implement feedback, and hone your craft!

As for which I prefer, I’ll vote for the second story as it took the time to immerse the reader and had lots of fun worldbuilding details. 

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

5 hours ago
Wow.

Great debut stories! You guys did a super job.

I think I'll vote for story B

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

20 hours ago

I liked the part about me and blister :)

not so fond of the whole teddy bear baseball bat thing though...

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

19 hours ago

(in mizal's first post)

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

16 hours ago
Thanks for the invitation and for this elaborate Intro for us. And what do you mean by "This is the worst form of humanity"? lol

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

5 hours ago

Well she's not wrong considering how the body's activities during adolescence affect our behavior.

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

4 hours ago
What?!

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

4 hours ago

It true! Something ou body does to mature us or whatever

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

4 hours ago
ok, lets keep this chat clear for the votes

Thunderdome 24: Avo vs Blister

4 hours ago

k