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Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

yesterday
Hey folks, here in the Thunderdome with the long, long awaited match between @Liminal and @Clayfinger! Big thanks to both authors for their participation and patience in waiting on me to actually schedule this one, I've had a weird couple of months with not being at home much and my mind is sort of all over the place right now. This is really an interesting match because both contestants are fairly new to the site having been members under a year each. Liminal has really shown in the review department while not having a chance yet to show off her writing chops (and yes I will edit that pronoun if I'm terribly misinformed and Liminal in fact, has a penis instead!) while Clayfinger has released three storygames and become a recognizeable figure giving advice in the writing section. He's also a dude in India who is NOT autistically obsessed with anime, tanks, or changing his gender? Whoa, this is an unprecedented first in site history. He's also a Warden who actually does things, so we're just busting up all kinds of stereotypes here. Anyway, let's get to the stories. Finally. God.

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

yesterday
STORY A 'Where The Heart Has Lied' The cobble path is unstable beneath your feet. The shifting weight of the ground distracts you, but not enough. The cold air cuts at your face, threatening to sweep your heavy trench away. Another rich airhead bearing likely-false ghost claims (you would know the true ones); another death bringing you closer to your own. Fortunately, it pays well. The ghosts, of course, pale in comparison to the true monsters you deal with. The ghosts themselves are docile, friendly creatures who yearn for closure. Humans, however, are worse than the devils. You’ve seen terrible acts, all human, and only ever seen the dead wish for a final goodbye. Eyes gouged by a spectre becoming a jealous sister who wants attention. Flickering lights becoming a prankster father. Possession being illness of the mind. It’s entertaining, truly, to see what humans are capable of. You approach the manor, a stone house on a grassy knoll with ivy covering a vast majority of the walls. The door creaks as you push it open, inviting yourself inside. The house certainly fits the bill of a stereotypical murder scene, save for the ghastly faces warped by death staring you down whilst you stare ahead. A few more steps, and someone appears. It’s an elderly man wielding a cane and wearing gold-rimmed glasses; he instantly notices your lack of surprise at his sudden appearance and lets out a low grunt of approval. He walks away, and you tighten your coat and follow. He leads you into a drawing room, filled with five people standing in ways that show their two dimensional character. It’s all wonderfully cliche. Convinced that a demon is haunting them, no one is suspicious of any of the others. The true killer - needless to say, probably not a ghost, demon, or any of the variety - would look relieved, having thought they were off scot free. Instinctually, rather, habitually, you scan the faces of the suspects, and the faces of the ghosts which lurk behind them. The man in a velvet, high quality suit - clearly dubbed Rich - looks anxious, and for good reason. There are at least ten ghosts crowding around him, and you’ve no doubt the man has abused power to gain his wealth. You’re sure it’s the usual story, a business man doing business typically ends up with lives crushed beneath an unsuspecting foot. It wouldn’t translate murderous intent. The old man takes a seat, allowing a small smile to creep on his face. Mentally, you dub him Old. The mother of the dead child is sobbing; she isn’t faking it though. You know what that sounds like. Her devastation is apparent and you trust that she has not killed her daughter. You decide to call her Mother. No, the ones you’re truly interested in is a lady wearing a simple purple dress, chatting up the others. Her ears perked up when you came in the room, and she bears a resemblance to the dead. The only ghost watching her wears a bloodstained Tragedy mask. You’ve come up with a moniker for this lady in the purple dress. Mistress. You don’t know what she’d done to get that poor soul in a past life, although, it had to have been horrible. The trickery to get a human to willingly touch with a spirit was usually of the immoral kind.The other who catches your eye is a burly man wearing quite the getup - his sparkling golden tuxedo nearly makes you burst out laughing, his eyes brushed with gold, his hair blond as a retriever. Easily, this man is Goldie. The man clearly has a brand, and even better, he has no spirits around him. Not one ghost, ghoul, or demon has attached itself, meaning that Goldie has never had a regret, so even if he were the murderer, neither him nor the ghost blamed himself. He keeps an air of confidence, and you smile. Too obvious, of course, but my, he’d be a fun one to question if it came to that. You feel it always gives a rather interesting twist when psychopaths are involved. In an instant, the tone shifts as they notice you. You are the center of attention, and your heart palpitates when all their eyes are staring down your soul like a murder of crows come to gouge your organs. “The P.I. is here!” Goldie shouts, jumping up with a clap. The exclamation breaks the wandering your mind has been doing, and sets you to business. “He was acting so strange,” Mother blubbered, “before he died - I shudder to think what that demon could’ve done…” “Right,” you reply, entirely disinterested. “I’ll need to see the victim.” You beckon Old to show you to the body, and he shuffles along with you. “I’ve set up sigils-” you absolutely had not, there was no malevolent presence in this household anyway, if there were you wouldn’t have come- “so do not leave this room. For your own safety.” For yours, more like. The old man leads you up a set of cricket stairs, long worn from thousands of feet wandering over them. The first door on the left of the second landing reveals a gruesome scene. A little boy, no older than six, is lacerated down the middle from the neck to the groin. His organs are in plain view behind his ribcage, and a heart that eerily almost still seems to beat every minute or so. Behind him is a pale imitation of the body on the floor. The specter is perfectly still as he stares at his own corpse, glancing occasionally at his fully healed ghost. You dismiss the elder with a flick of your wrist and move closer as if approaching roadkill you aren’t sure is dead. The boy shivers, holding onto an equally ghostly teddy bear. You’re somewhat impressed, most spirits need weeks before being able to conjure ghostly apparitions of items. At the same time, a familiar twinge of cold creeps up your arms. A reminder of your weakness as a human, how this little boy could kill you and steal your soul in a heartbeat. You get on one knee, adopting a soft tone of voice. “Hey there, what’s your name?” You smile, hoping it will calm the boy down. He turns his eyes to you, full of childlike innocence. The second your stares meet, though, you try not to scream. It’s as if death itself is staring you in the eyes, taunting you for this unnatural ability of yours, gifted to so few. The boy sniffs, and you’re snapped out of it. He’s only a child. “I- I- I’m James.” “Well hello hello! What’s that bear’s name, kid?” James smiles. A shiver goes up your spine at the sudden, startling shift in his mood. “This is Pablo. I named him after a guy in town who played guitar for me once ‘cause he was so cool but then Mommy said I couldn’t talk to him anymore which is weird ‘cause he’s over here tonight. But apparently he did some bad things. Hey sir, am I dead? Mommy says that dead people can see their own bodies but also it might just be a prank because Grammpa likes to play those but then who are you?” The boy’s long-winded dialogue confuses you, but always the expert, you sort it out. “James, I have to tell you, you are dead. A guide should show up soon to see if you want to try a different life or linger as a ghost. I’m going to ask you to move on, okay? I’m just a friend of your mother’s who is worried about you.” You try to say it gently, although it comes out a bit brash. The smile drops from the ghost boy’s face, and he starts wailing. “B-But I wanna stay with Mommy!” He chokes this out in between his ear-shattering screams. You envy the other people in the house, who can at most hear a faint whisper of a voice. You haven’t the foggiest of how to calm this situation down. So you do possibly the dumbest thing you could have done. You move towards the boy and wrap your arms around him, embracing him in a hug. If he wished, he could take your body right now with this physical touch. You’d have to serve his soul, his reincarnations, until the end of time, wearing a mask he chose without remembering why his luck was so plentiful - instead, the boy turns semi-material, hugging you back as he sniffles into your shoulder. He feels distinctly inhuman, the cold aching against your skin. You force yourself to relax. Just a child. “I’m going to help you, James. I can’t get you back to your mother, but I can tell her anything you’d like to say. I’ll find out who did this and they’ll get their karma, you hear?” James sniffles and nods, gripping his teddy bear closer. “Tell Mommy I love her.” You nod and leave him, wandering back to the drawing room. Well. That whole excursion was entirely to let the suspects stew while you gave closure to the victim. You had a pretty good idea of who had done it the moment you’d stepped in the door. The rest was just confirmation, and typically, confession. A small thumping noise starts in your ear. Typically, you’d chalk it up to another hallucination… (Common, in this line of work.) But… The Tragedy ghost behind Mistress is staring at your chest. Your heart is thudding against your ribs, and you double over in immense pain as you hear them crack. Suddenly, you’re back in the bedroom, little boy on the ground, specter behind. He blinks at you. “Sir, are you alright?” The thumping grows louder as you see the smile on James’ face. “Yes, James, sorry, I’m just tired. Haven’t slept in days, you know? I’ll be on my way. Good luck passing on, tell the Ferryman I said hello.” “Where are you going?” James pouted. The pounding in your heart stopped - suddenly, too suddenly - so that, in fact, your heart was not moving at all. That was when you knew exactly who had done it. You stare at the child, those cold, weary eyes making sense. “Figured it out, have you?” James laughed. “I was too great for this life - my previous one, I was a king! A king, relegated to a measly upperclassman? That woman-” he spits it out like a bad word- “my mother?! No, no. If I have been given this gift of remembrance, I will use it to trap idiot Paranormals like you to gain glory for myself.” The boy’s spirit shifts into a man, a wound encrusting his heart, a void is there where an organ should be. “Why-” “Because it was useless. A true king need not love, don’t you know this? And now you’re mine!” He said it with such giddiness that he almost looked like a child again. You were swiftly reminded of the contrary when spectral chains sprang up from the ground, wrapping themselves around your limbs and neck. James conjures up an old Il Dottore mask, and you flail about, knowing the moment it is on, you’ll never be able to escape this monster’s bidding. James gazes on with amusement as the mask floats towards you, instantly settling perfectly on your face as it fuses itself to your skin. You scream, even though you know nothing can be done now. You feel yourself eerily fading away, your soul disturbed by obedience creeping into your veins. Then- it was over.

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

yesterday
STORY B 'Michael Stone, Warden' Michael Stone cursed under his breath as the truck jerked. In his haste, he had run over a pothole on the winding forest road. The tinkling of glass jars was predictably followed by his father's gruff, annoyed voice from the passenger's seat. "Careful! These things are fragile! What's your flaming hurry, anyway?" Graham Stone chided, cradling the duffel bag filled with supposedly occult materials. On the side of it was embroidered the text 'Sera's Perch' which was the name of the family shop. To Michael and most of the townsfolk, it was just a place that sold antiques and curios, but Graham truly believed that the charms in his shop had real power that could defend the owner (to a limited extent) from supernatural threats. Michael supposed that's why his father was able to sell that junk as well as he could. "I told you that I have interviews to prepare for," Michael snapped back. "If I'd known that the old bat lived so far away from town, I wouldn't have even come in the first place." "Warding is a two man job, kid. Besides, it's your own fault for leaving everything to the last minute," Graham responded. Michael gripped the wheel tighter. "Oh, please! All you're gonna do is light up a bunch of candles, say some prayers and boom! Suddenly, Granny Agnes feels completely fine. Two man job, my ass." "You can insult me all you want, but don't insult our line of business! What we do is important–" "What we do is scam people who are gullible enough to believe in this stuff. Well, it's what you do anyway. Once I've gotten that job in the city, I'm out." Graham clicked his tongue loudly and clutched the bag gingerly. The two rode on in uncomfortable silence until they reached Agnes' secluded house: a quaint wooden cabin with a sloping roof, likely built in an age past. Michael briskly walked up to the door and knocked on it. "Who is it?" Agnes' muffled voice rang from within as Graham caught up, carrying the heavy bag. "Mrs. Agnes, we're from Sera's Perch. You called saying you needed our help?" Michael called out. A few moments later, the door opened as Granny Agnes appeared, wearing a wide smile on her face. The old woman was a notorious hypochondriac. After bothering the town's doctors ceaselessly with her litany of self-diagnosed illnesses, they eventually lost their patience and chased her away. Following that, she began visiting Sera's Perch and chatting with Graham. Unsurprisingly, she soon developed the notion that she was constantly being targeted by demons. Michael thought that Graham would be more than happy to scam this lady out of whatever savings she had, but even he seemed reluctant to sell too many charms to her. Nonetheless, his more tactful way of deflecting her concerns meant that the family shop continued to receive a constant stream of Agnes' wild theories. The latest of said theories had Agnes mention that her house had changed somehow since the recent storm. She had also mentioned that she had heard the sounds of some wildcat prowling about, as if wildcats were an uncommon thing out in the woods. Graham, being the thorough type, recommended that he and Michael come check the place out. "Come on in, dears," Agnes said cheerfully, welcoming the duo in. The first thing Michael noticed in the house was the little girl standing at the threshold of the living room to the right. "And who's this little lady?" Michael asked with a playful voice. "Oh, that's Lily. You know, Ralph, my son? He and his wife are in town and they left little Lily here to spend some time with her grandmother." Lily ran towards Agnes and hid behind her dress. Clearly, she was the bashful type. "Don't worry little miss, we're gonna set up our candles and begin the protection ritual. Then all the bad guys are gonna scram," Michael said with a smile but felt his father's hand on his shoulder. "Say Lily, I used to play with your brother Leon when he was younger. How's he doing? I assume he stuck close to his parents. He was always a mama's boy after all," said Graham. Lily didn't respond but simply looked up at Agnes. "Oh, yes. Leon insisted he go with his parents. Such an unruly boy," Agnes said, shaking her head. Silence lingered for a moment, and then Graham spoke again, his voice dead serious. "Agnes. Leon doesn't exist. I made him up." Agnes' eyes widened in realization but before she could say anything, Graham shoved her aside forcefully, drawing his silver knife from his waist and slashing at Lily. She had managed to barely raise her arms to defend herself, hissing angrily at Graham while leaping backwards. "Ose! Kid, its name is Ose!" Graham yelled. Michael noticed the manic glint in his father's eyes and his lustful expression. He intended to force himself on that child no doubt. He always had a thing for little girls. The sight of him bearing down on that poor, defenseless kid infuriated Michael to no end. Graham was the real monster here, and Michael decided that he had to put an end to him, blood relation or not. What was that name he was yelling, though? Ose? What was that about? Michael shook his head. Was there even a point in trying to understand? Who knows what sick, twisted fantasies were going on in that pervert's head. Michael certainly didn't know what that gibberish meant. No… that's not true. He knew exactly what the name meant. Ose, a Great President of Hell. A leopard demon that can take on the guise of a man or a child as needed. It can bring insanity to any human that it wishes, making them believe that they themselves or the people around them are different than what they actually are. It could make an old lady believe that a demon was her grandson. It could make a son believe his father was a monster. Michael clasped his hands, shutting out his own tampered thoughts as he recalled the prayer of banishment. A simple task, considering how he had been forced to practice chanting the basic prayers every day since he had learnt how to read. The words began to flow out of his lips as if they had a life of their own and were eager to fulfill their purpose. "Exsúrgat Deus et dissipéntur inimíci ejus: et fúgiant qui odérunt eum a fácie ejus." The sounds of a fierce battle ensued as Michael intoned his prayer. The gasps and battle cries of his father and the hisses of the demon girl intermingled with the periodic sounds of flesh crashing into wood. Michael resisted the urge to interrupt the prayer and help his father. He knew the most useful thing he could do right now was to complete the chant. "Sicut déficit fumus defíciant; sicut fluit cera a fácie ígnis, sic péreant peccatóres a fácie Dei. In nómine Pátris, et Fílii, et Spirítus Sancti." "HAHHH!" the girl hissed as she lunged towards Michael, finally noticing his prayer. Michael opened his eyes just in time to see her cat like pupils reflecting his own face with a ferocious intensity. Her fangs were bared as her claws desperately reached for Michael's neck. "Váde, OSE!" Michael commanded. In a flash, the girl exploded into white flames. Her still flaming body crashed into Michael as he fell backwards in shock, but her flesh had already been rendered to ash before the moment of impact. After checking for burns on his body, Michael got back onto his feet and surveyed the aftermath of the battle. Agnes laid slumped with her back against the wall, seemingly unconscious. Further ahead, Graham remained on the floor, curled into a fetal position, groaning in pain. "Dad!" Michael cried as he rushed to his father's side. As he turned Graham's body, he immediately noticed the gaping wound in his father's stomach. "Rusty… got careless," Graham breathed. "Wait. Wait, I'll bring the medical supplies," Michael said as he attempted to go fetch their bag, but Graham grabbed his hand forcefully. "No… too late… Agnes… vulnerable… do protection ritual," Graham gasped before violently coughing out blood onto the wooden floor. "No. No! You can't just give up. None of this was supposed to be real. You weren't supposed to… You can't–" Michael stammered, tears filling in his eyes as his emotions overwhelmed him. Anger, guilt, sorrow, all fought each other for dominance in his now fragile mind. If he hadn't wasted time doubting his father, or better yet if he had wielded the knife himself… "Sorry… know you didn't want this," Graham said as he reached into the breast pocket of his fisherman's jacket and pulled out a business card. "Go here… tell them everything." As Michael grabbed the card, the hand that Graham raised to offer it, fell to his side, limp and devoid of life. ________ Two days later. "So Graham Stone is dead," declared the old bartender, setting the mug he was cleaning aside. His eyes were shrouded in darkness due to the dim lighting, but his tone betrayed a solemness. Michael knew the moment he saw him that this man was just like his father. There was more to him than met the eye. "He was the one who came up with the approach of booby trapping the entirety of a domain with blessed relics. Pretty effective way to prevent demons from spreading their influence. The idea worked so well that a lot of other wardens tried it too… but none of them were as good at crafting the blasted trinkets as he was. Makes sense that it took a Great President to breach his defenses," the bartender continued. Michael said nothing in response, simply choosing to stare at the bottom of his already finished glass. "Wasn't your fault, kid. Things could've gone a lot worse if you didn't deal with Ose. Also, you should know that your daddy was already looking for a replacement for you. Kept bothering me about it too. I suppose your town'll need two replacements now," the bartender said. Michael finally looked up again, responding with grim determination as he clenched his fists. "No. Just one will do, but make sure they know what they're doing. Warding is a two man job, after all."

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

yesterday
After I burned through A Haunting of Hill House earlier this month I knew I had to go with a spooooky prompt, so "a story about a paranormal investigator" was what was given for these. Anyway, I know that you, the grand CYStian masses, all every bit as eager to read and comment on these as you have been for the Gazette match so far (lol), so vote right here:

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

yesterday
Story A is frustrating to read because of the lack of spacing so I'm just gonna vote for Story B.

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

yesterday

First things first: Please! Break up those paragraphs better, Story A! With that said, both of them were quite good. I'll try to provide an actual review this time around, rather than just offering general feedback, starting with Story A.

I really liked the idea that some ghosts can kill people and force them to serve them in their next lives, and that others can also remember past lives. As Chris said, the lack of spacing is annoying to read through; however, I do think it is a worthwhile read if you can muddle through it. The pacing felt a tad rushed, especially near the end. One moment, we're going to inform everyone who the killer is, the next, we are standing in front of the dead boy's ghost, with him monologuing about not liking the new life he had, and thus forcing others to serve him. Also, the parentheses could probably be removed, and it would still make sense. There are quite a few unanswered questions that are intriguing, like how we know the ferryman and why we can see these dead ghosts in the first place. I would love to see this story fleshed out more and learn about how the ghosts in this world work.

With story B, the proper breakup of paragraphs immediately makes it more approachable. The name of "Warding" for ghosthunting is a nice touch, and the bickering between who I assume to be father and son sets up the son starting to think of attacking him later on nicely. The Latin prayers to banish the ghost are a tad cliché, but the only other alternative is Hebrew if you're going to be using the bible, so I digress. And after listening to my dad ramble on about how the translation for the scriptures from Hebrew to English is spotty at best and downright wrong at worst, I would be impressed if anyone could properly write a Hebrew version of the banishing. Not that I know any Hebrew anyway. Back to the review! The final line, that Warding is a two-man job, is a nice touch as well. The only scruple I have with this is that the backstory of how Agnes came to them seems a little unnecessary.

Because of the text wall in story A and the better pacing in story B, I vote for story B.

 

TL;DR: Story A has some good ghost mechanics, but needs to break up the wall of text, and Story B had a great story, but some unnecessary backstory. My vote goes to Story B

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

yesterday

B

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

yesterday
Story B takes it for me. I think both were well written in their own right and tackled the prompts appropriately, but Story A's pacing felt messy towards the end. Story B felt more cohesive, and I like the circular motif of "warding is a two man job." The whole "Graham has always liked little girls" thing was weird though.

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

24 hours ago
But wasn't that the point of the Osé, that the demon will try to manipulate people and give rise to disturbing thoughts?

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

23 hours ago
I read it as Graham had those thoughts prior to the influence of the Ose, which made that bit feel random. But going back and rereading the story, I think I misinterpreted the timeline, so it makes more sense in hindsight.

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

23 hours ago
Graham never had those thoughts. Micheal thought he did, because of the Ose, and since we see the events through Micheal's eyes, we take his word for it.

That makes sense. So I think the story continuously keeps in Micheal's perspective, and when we see that Micheal sees the glint in his father's eye, he starts imagining things. So that was Micheal's interpretation of events, so I liked the reveal. I think if the author opted for first person POV, that could be more obvious, because it would be clear that Micheal was thinking these thoughts, but it's not actually what happened. Regardless, I commend them from doing this with 3rd person limited. It was a gamble, and I think it paid off, because it gave the story an interesting twist.

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

23 hours ago
Yeah it clicked my second time reading it, I probably should've run through it another time before I gave my final verdict. Within the context of the Ose's influence on others, it makes a lot more sense. It still remains my preferred story between the two regardless.

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

22 hours ago
I really liked both of these stories. The flow of the first is a little awkward, and the description of the living and the dead initially is quite blurry. That could have been intentional to illustrate how the protag has difficulty with his gift telling the difference. If that is the case, it is a deft move of authorship, but could have been executed in a way where it was clearer that that was the intent.

The second is very good. Perhaps it is in influence of my recent binging of Old Gods of Appalachia, but this story really jumped off the page for me.

My vote is for Story B.

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

20 hours ago

Honestly, I'm just going to be honest and say that I was having a major struggle following what was actually happening in both stories. Maybe it's confirmed, maybe I'm retarded. With that being said, here are my rushed thoughts on both stories:

From what I could comprehend, I didn't like the ending to Story A. It was too pessimistic for my tastes. The investigator should have won, or it should have been a bit more ambiguous to its ending, IMO. It felt rushed and a little sudden.

I found Story B even harder to follow. Again, that might be me being majorly retarded though, not sure. From what I could gather, our Dad was trying to replace us? But he's a pedo, or do we think he's a pedo? I don't know. He gets tricked by this demon Ose into being a pedo? The random attacking he did confused the heck out of me.

Both seemed well written and it's hard for me to pick a winner, but I think I found Story B a little bit more memorable and for that, I'll have to give it to Story B.

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

yesterday
Okay, I have added additional linebreaks to story A since the author swears they existed in the Google doc. I don't know how pasting to my DMs would have collapsed the lines between paragraphs but still left the actual paragraph breaks intact, but Google can be weird so whatever. Just you guys please make sure to double check how things like this get displayed when sent as an actual message, because adjusting formatting is a slippery slope for other edits and not something I can get in the habit of doing. (Luckily I am having a lazy morning still at my computer, as I would not have attempted this on my phone.)

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

yesterday
B

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

24 hours ago
Commended by Mizal on 9/10/2025 5:09:47 PM
Final Vote: Story B

I read this after Mizal had already done the line breaks for A, so none of my comments are going to reflect that lol.

I was really excited for this match. Lim and Clay are some of the most accomplished newer writers, and the contrast between their styles is simply delightful. Clay is an avid high fantasy writer with 3 great storygames under his belt, while Lim enjoys psychological horror, so I feel like this should be quite interesting.

I love the prompt. I feel like this is a great prompt for both writers to flex their chops, so let's see how they did.

When the Heart Has Lied

I love the use of environmental descriptors to set the tone. They do a great job of bringing me into the story, as I really feel the setting.

I love how you tell us a bit more about this paranormal investigator, and give us a little insight into how he thinks. A lot of paranormal stories go for the direction of not making the ghosts visible to us, which leads to really fun narrative choices like making the windows suddenly shake or the lights flicker. Although I was disappointed to not see that here, I guess it would probably make sense because a seasoned investigator likely won’t be fazed by these tactics.

I think the biggest weakness of the story(at least to some readers) is the prolonged exposition/lack of dialogue for the first half. At least comparatively, story B gets right into more dialogue that makes the story feel faster. But at the same time, Story A was going for more of an intimate feeling with the narrator, with the reader understanding their thoughts and getting a feel for the situation. So perhaps it was more of a narrative choice by the author, so I’ll keep that in mind. Honestly, I think it works in this story, so I actually like this way, and even though it feels slower than B, at least for me, it sticks in my mind more. The imagery pops out and makes this an engaging read, especially coupled with the worldbuilding/fascinating perspective of the main character.

I love the way the investigator gives little nicknames to each of the people depending on the number of ghosts surrounding them, and I thought that bit of worldbuilding was folded in quite nicely with the rest of the story.

I like how you held back from excessive depiction of gore, and I feel like you handled it really thoughtfully.

To be honest, from start to finish, right till the very end, I was really impressed with this story. This story does a truly excellent job with bringing the reader in, and it’s a cool and entertaining psychological horror piece. I love what the author did with the prompt, but I do think the ending didn’t feel as impactful. The tone goes from suspensful/mysterious to dramatic too fast, but I suppose that’s just a pacing thing. Because I still liked the 2 last sentences: “You feel yourself eerily fading away, your soul disturbed by obedience creeping into your veins. Then- it was over.”

This was honestly a fantastic debut for the thunderdome, and the author does a really great job here.

"Micheal Stone, Warden"

I liked this story a lot! I think this story also did a really fantastic job with the prompt. Honestly, this is a great thunder dome match. Both stories are fantastic debuts, and incredibly entertaining to read through. They feature a lot of interesting mechanics and thoughtful worldbuilding. I think I would love to see both of these as story games.

I liked the tension between Micheal and his father, Graham. I think that sets up a really well-done conflict. There's a sense of unresolved tension in the air, the resentment Micheal has, with his dad scolding him, gives rise to negative feelings that can be manipulated by the Ose.

The pacing on this story was done well. Compared to the other story, this story is more action-driven, while the other story is more focused on characterization. But this story also does characterization quite well.

I love the way we arrive at the old woman's house, and immediately notice that something isn't quite right. The author of this story nails that feeling of "something is off in this house" so well. I think he/she builds the suspense well, and I really liked the part where the Dad lies to draw the ghost out. That was a cool tactic.

I think the part where Micheal was thinking about killing his dad was well done, because for a second, you don't know if he would actually do it or not. There's a level of uncertainty that's delightful to read through.

The latin was a really nice touch. I'm not going to go into depth analyzing the latin, but I'll trust that the author did their research.

Finally, with the end where the bartender reveals that his dad was looking for a replacement was done really well. The frustration laced with heartache and grief was well done, but I love how Micheal manages to take those emotions, and emerge stronger, with that last line where he refuses to quit. I loved the call back to the previous line: ""No. Just one will do, but make sure they know what they're doing. Warding is a two man job, after all." Great work, Author B!

Overall Thoughts I think I'll give this one to story B. I feel like Story A might have won in a different thunder dome, it's a really high quality piece, but something about B just made me give it the win more. Both stories were incredibly compelling, no doubt about it, but B had more consistent pacing, less narration, and overall felt a bit more streamlined. But at the same time, Story A does do the characterization of the investigator's thoughts so well, even better than B in a way. But B was also going for a different kind of story, and I loved the slow, methodical, drawing out of A, but at times, it could be improved upon a bit. I don't want to tell author A to just change up their style though, because the way they dwell upon the thoughts of the narrator, and the way he views his job, and we see him slowly arrive to the house is so good. I honestly think the style would work better in a longer story, where the story has more time to breathe. So don't change up your style, author A! You're doing it right, and you're doing a great job!

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

4 hours ago
Commended by Mizal on 9/11/2025 9:05:10 AM
Just like always, I'm typing as I go. So let's get this started.

Straight of the bat: this is a new one. I now know exactly who these two authors are but not what their prompt is. Guess I'll have to forego my usual expectation rant and play the prompt guessing game as I go. That's sure one way to pull a fast one on the critique. Alright without further ado, I'll be judging on theme and overall entertainment, deducting points for things that irk me. Blame Mizal. Enter's whim is wholly negative today.

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Story A:

The very start felt weak. There are a lot of immediate sensations endemic to how everyone starts writing in the second person perspective: you are on a unstable path, cold air hits you, etc. But there isn't much of a backdrop or a scene to place those sensations in. A good opening pulls you into that scene, builds it up interesting enough to makes you imagine everything. These descriptors are shamelessly trying to force you to accomplish that, but they are unsupported, almost amateurishly intense in their intentions, and bounce right off due to it.

The second thing that irked me is the sixth paragraph where the same rhythm repeats itself with the introduction of the elderly man. He notices, he walks away, he leads you. You do this. He does that. You feel this. You see that. They're a sequence of all very superficial feeling sentences. In the rare occasions the protagonist has a thought, it's a cocksure superficial observation and rarely a line of thoughts or deductions that extends past the first sentence.

Now I am not saying you need to spend 500 words describing the murder scene in all gruesome detail or spend as much on pure angst, but this reads more like a report than a story that pulls you in. Some details that make the scene feel lived in would be appreciated. Now the facts all just pile up without any getting that special highlight to settle in. To make it make more sense to the author, because good writing adapts to its audience: this shit reads like the fucking minecraft movie. And that is not a good thing.

Anyway enough about the writing itself. Let's talk about the prompt and theme. I'm guessing you've been given a ghost prompt, possibly a detective prompt. If it is a ghost prompt, I found it a very interesting choice to spend an entire paragraph detailing just how nice ghosts are compared to the obviously big bad human race. Is this another weak attempt of subverting expectations? Man, I think you should direct a show, something about a game with thrones. That worked out great for them too.

The first hint of danger and suspense, something that should be the central part of any ghost story, was much further down the story. A little boy, a classic. It's here that the rapid pace finally settled down a bit and the writing became better. So if you haven't got a clue about what I meant in the first two paragraphs, here's a nice and simple trick for you. Skip most of the naked descriptors. Just write more dialogue.

Well then the turn came, and it while the plot itself had more potential, the evil monologue at the end is entirely unnecessary. I also think the turn itself could be more than two sentences of heart thumping and teleporting back. As an aside, the monologue is a far cry from a resentful king. If I would have one sweeping change to make, it would be to spread that interview with the kid out for the entire two thousand words, cutting away the rest. Then try to build that suspense alongside the plot within that single scene.

Overall good plot held back by bad writing.

Theme 2/5
Entertainment 2/5
Enter's whim -1

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Story B

In contrast story B held the better pacing. But even there I felt the "Leon doesn't exist" came way out of the left field without any buildup of either suspense or danger beforehand. To be honest I was lulled a bit before, glazing over the dialogue and descriptions that all implied the old woman wasn't a big deal. Still mentally cursing hypochondriacs, I was suddenly met with pedo shit and silver knives and that forced me to backread to get back into the scene.

I'd feel that if you shortened the ride on the way in favor for a longer scene with both Agnes and Lily before all hell broke lose, you'd have more options to foreshadow and build up the tension. Secondly I also feel that the epilogue is exactly that, an superfluous appendix that just like the real thing can be cut away without a hitch.

The prompt is definitely about someone dealing with the supernatural. And in that I feel like both stories got the gist of it, while missing the core of what makes a horror good. Yes the jumpscare or the sleeping girl thrown against the camera by the ghost at the end of the movie is scary, but that happens by the end. You know why it happens at the end and why those instances were so memorable? Because the movie spend a full fucking hour and a half building up to that moment. It's the suspense, the increasing levels of perceived danger that makes it good, otherwise it's just a bunch of gymnastics.

And each entrant failed spectacularly at that; A by going the retard route of ghosts being just a bunch of happy little bobos compared to humans, and B by jumping from ah don't listen to her, to the apparent CEO of Hell Incorporate within the span of a single sentence.

Oh I forgot B's score. Yeah, I talked less about B than A. That's usually a good thing.

Theme 3/5
Entertainment 4/5
Enter's whim -2

Yeah you won.

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

4 hours ago
I say what the prompt was in the same place I always do, the actual post you clicked to reply to. Now don't you look silly. (I guess not as silly as authors always do after you finish tearing them up though.)

Thunderdome 23: Clayfinger vs Liminal

21 minutes ago
Oh I see it now. May I suggest placing the prompt in front of the stories instead of below them?

Below the stories are the reviews and why would you willingly taint yourself with lesser opinions before reading the stories themselves