Crazy Kidnapper

"The man grabs you by the throat and drags you to his white van. Just kidding, it's a small black car and he just shoved you into the back seat."

That sentence gets at the big issue here--the narrative voice is, I think, trying to be arch and witty, but it comes off as odd in tone. That strange narrative voice mars what good there is in this game--yes, there are lots of sentence-level errors (some of which a spellchecker could be used to catch) but more importantly, I think it is trying and failing to be funny.

That comes with practice, and I think a more straightforward take would work better for a first game. I would also recommend that if you give a flavor choice (what show do you watch, the game asks) you should *write* about that choice to give flavor. I chose to watch Stranger Things--awesome, now write about that! What a good opportunity to create atmosphere and set the scene. You don't want to make the reader feel like they are just clicking a pointless flavor choice that you, the author, weren't even interested in enough to create some significant and unique descriptive text for.

N I C E

Well, the kidnapper was definitely crazy since he shot me in a Mcdonald's parking lot. This story just seemed kind of random with not much going on.

You can eat breakfast infinitely so I feel like you could have added a death page for eating too much. The only ways to survive the kidnapper are to scream or to pass the McDonald's lady a note. My main issue is a perfectly logical decision like running from your kidnapper results in death but somehow screaming alerts your neighbors and saves you.

I just want my choices to make sense. Also, I would have liked to have had a more serious game than trying to be funny about a kidnapping. I mean good grief one of the endings you get stabbed to death in the woods and the other you're brainwashed by potty water. That's what I mean by this story just being too random for me as well as too short.

It was cool. Not much to it, but cool.

Ha! This game is amazingly funny. Every page has a funny and upbeat vibe, and I really liked the comical, even though it isn't a funny, deaths. It could be longer though, so I gave it a 5.

This story needs a lot of work to it. While it really wasn't terrible grammatically, it tended to have a lot of unnecessary slang and silliness in it. It also seemed like a lot of the early game choices were kind of meaningless. I really think this story would have benefitted from some more polishing. But it certainly wasn't the worst story I've read. Keep at it.

This is better than your previous story, but you didn't proofread, there is far too much use of slang and the humour isn't funny at all.

There's a few spelling errors here and there in this.

The story places you in a semi-plausible kidnapping situation. I played through twice, the second time I escaped the first time I died from breakfast. So there is a bit of silliness there.

It certainly isn't bad for a first storygame.

It's straightforward enough, a kidnapper/child murderer arrives and attempts to capture you. Not at all a realistic story and the overuse of slang and Zoomer slang is making me feel old, but it was an entertaining 6 minutes.