Don't get distracted!

Okay, this was actually a lot more fun than I was initially expecting. I was a bit disappointed not to get too many opportunities for distraction, considering the title, but after I followed one path that ended with a double assassination, I then found myself no longer planning an assassination but...cooking. And just like the player character, I managed to forget what the initial purpose of the whole story was.

There were some nice moments of humour in this storygame. The whole assumption that Latham had swapped places with a body double was a little jarring, though. I assume the player character was something of a professional, which left me wondering why it was an assumption automatically made and not a choice the player could make - which is something I felt would have worked better.

I did like the fact that most of the assassination paths I finished were more accidental than deliberate, at least regarding the actual target. Breathing in the poisonous dart was enough to make me cringe (I saw the result of that coming almost straight away) and forgetting that the dart was there and shaking the target's hand just seemed like an accident waiting to happen.

On the whole, I did enjoy reading this storygame. It was a lot of fun, even if there were a few jarring moments where the tense slipped from present to past. It would have been great if the storygame had been a little bit longer, with perhaps more mishaps for the player character to find himself involved in.

This was a funny game. It was written like a comic book action-comedy with 4th wall breaks and a very vocal narrator… but it seemed intentional as the whole story was a series of jokes in super-spy format. I have this a 5/8, although I think that’s a bit generous for the length and issues that were present, but it got the rating because it entertained me on every branch and made me laugh quite a bit. After this come spoilers, so read the story before continuing if you have not already.

If this story wasn’t a comedy, or if it wasn’t so funny, or perhaps if I wasn’t in a good mood… the rating would drop a lot it’s possible that the time constraint from this being a contest entry and the comedy style selected led to some of these issues… but I’ll point them out so you can hopefully improve your writing for the next time.

First of all, this story switches tense… a lot. It’s distracting and I dislike it. The first page is present tense, while the second is past tense. This switches several times in several places. I’m not sure if it’s intentional to be part of the “comedy” but I thought the present tense worked way better than the past tense for this style of story. I would stick to one in future stories… just decide if this story happened in the past or is happening now and make sure it stays in the same tense across the whole thing.

I can also say the choices were fun and satisfying, even though they were random. One thing I noticed was that choosing to stab the victim basically just put you on the same branch as shooting while pretending to smoke. While I can appreciate the illusion of choice, I was a bit disappointed there weren’t more unique branches from this choice. The story was so short and I would have enjoyed more time with this super assassin! This isn’t a huge deal, but it would have been nice if this led to something a little different.

The narrator had a really active voice. It was like a character with lines like “Oh boy…” and “well, you see…” this works in a comedy like this, but it’s a 4th wall break. The narrator is talking to the reader. If this wasn’t a comedy just be aware that this would be distracting and break immersion… however, I’m pretty sure it was intentional here so this may be redundant to you. I’m just saying it to make sure it was intentionally done and not a happy accident.

You do a lot of telling and not showing. It’s more fun to see things happening and know what them mean or feel them than to read “this happened and you feel this way.” For example, on the first page there is a part that reads “‘Okay,’ you say, slightly dejected that your book had been confiscated. It was just getting good.” Rather than tell us that we feel dejected, you could say something like “‘Okay,’ you mutter as you sigh, cross your arms and slump into your chair. ‘It was just getting good.’” This is the character acting dejected (slightly) rather than the reader just being told. Again, this may be intentional because of the active narration and comedy format… but if it’s not intentional just be aware that this won’t work as well in something that isn’t slap-stick comedy.

Last I’ll touch in grammar. I thought the grammar was okay. There weren’t huge mistakes (other than switching tense) that affected my read. However, there didn’t seem to be a lot of complex sentences to control the pace and flow of the prose. Once again… this isn’t a huge deal in a super story comedy that reads like the narrator talking to the reader anyway. However, in any other type of story you would want to mix up sentence structure and control the pace with advanced grammar. The basics you have down pretty good, but I believe Gower has an article in the help and info tab that is specifically more advanced grammar for those who have the basics but want to improve. I highly recommend checking it out!

Again, thank you for a laugh in this fun still story. I’d be interested to read something with a more serious tone to see how much of the comments above were the style and what you actually need to improve, but I’m crazy and like critiquing stories. I hope you had as much fun writing this as I had reading it!

Very witty. Enjoyed the playful nature of it

Goated

Pretty good

Short but very well-executed for what it is. The descriptive writing style works well for this kind of storygame, and the subversion of that with the story's wacky hijinks makes its jokes land more often than not.
The grammar/spelling mistakes are pretty much nonexistent, which in my experience is a rarity on this site. Word choice was never an issue. If you like Bond-parody slapstick, you'll like this storygame.

It's not a thought provoking, philosophic manifesto, but goodness, I thought it was hysterical. Good job overall. I'd love for this to become a series, I would really like reading more of Finch.

This is good stupid fun. Not much by way of deeply moving story, but it's got some humor and some choices that can keep you occupied.

My one complaint is how the so-called "Assassin extraordinaire" managed to kill the wrong guy in my branch, but then again, maybe that's the point?

This reminds me of a Steve Martin film (for you poor Gen Z kids, go watch Pink Panther; or just google the hamburger scene from it).

Overall, not bad. Fun to play.

Obviously this is a quick game but, I really enjoyed it. The humor worked well. In the beginning I had to force myself a little bit to care about the protagonist. While the scene with the book certainly made me smile it also make him seem a little bit incompetent. I think seeing him also being good as something at the same time (or first) would have given me a smoother start. But this wasn't a big issue. The story progressed very well and the writing was fine. Would recommend.

Well written and engaging. No significant SPAG errors or incorrect word choices that I noticed. The branching is nicely handled and each ending is fun. In particular the slapstick Kiss of Death was a pleasant surprise. I will be looking at your other storygames.