Just Another Saturday Night

A short entertaining halloween story. Deal with ghostly drama and try to survive the night!

Specific notes:
- I like the way you start with ‘action’ before going back into the events leading up to this situation, but I think you could have done more with that device. Instead of the relatively uninteresting prompt of the narrator walking towards a party, you could start with something more interesting happening to them once they’ve arrived at the party.
- We’ve got a good sense of the narrator after page one, an introvert with an extroverted sister who’s letting himself get dragged to these parties to avoid social ostracization. I mention this elsewhere, but while the narrator seems to have a distinct personality, I don’t think your narration style is serving them. It feels a little too removed and wordy, preventing the narrator’s voice from shining through. Tightening the phrasing to match how you imagine your narrator talks would probably help.
- I recommend trying to follow the “show don’t tell” maxim a little more closely. For instance, “you say sheepishly” could be communicated just as clearly through something like “you admit,” “you mumble,” or using the narrator’s body movements to indicate their discomfort, like glancing around for the exit.
- Using their thoughts directly can also help. Instead of saying things like “looking like she’s completely in her element” and “you feel a pang of envy, wishing you could be as comfortable socializing as she is,” you could say something like “you see your sister chatting with her friends, completely in her element. Lucky.” Removing the clause “looking like” removes distance in the narration creating a better pace, and makes the ‘completely in her element’ phrase seem more like something the narrator is thinking rather than a general description. It’s similar with ‘lucky,’ you show that the narrator is envious with their thoughts, rather than having to state it. Things like this will bring the reader closer into your narrator’s head, and speed up the story’s pace.
- The description of the narrator’s crush on Elise is another good example of this. It feels very distant, he’s clinically stating he likes this girl then describes her like he’s writing a police file. Injecting some flavor into his description could help. You mention the narrator’s heartbeat later, try opening with that instead. Instead of narrating how the narrator wants to resist, get closer into his thoughts, like having him consider possible things he can do to get out of the situation, such as suddenly excusing himself for the restroom.
- Ok, Elise is a ghost. That happened suddenly. It’s kind of funny how dense the narrator is being about it, but he’s drunk, and who would believe that?
- I’m really not sure why Elise has decided the narrator is worth poisoning, but who knows why ghosts do anything in these stories.
- Another example: things like “feeling a bit embarassed” can be replaced by “you feel your face heating up” to decrased the feeling of distance between narrator and reader.
- The phrase “”Huh,” you articulate wisely” is pretty funny. Despite the format, this is actually a pretty good example of showing over telling because the ‘telling’ words you’re using are ironic. Instead the audience fills in the blanks themselves, leaving them amused, and feeling closer to the narrator’s thoughts.
- “Right then, a sound like that of a gon emanated from somewhere deeper in the house.” <= This should be present tense.
- Elise’s personality seems to vary wildly across paths, as does Sarah’s. It makes the story seem a little unpolished, most people tend to perfer consistency across paths.
- Emergency ghost powers save the day! This would feel really unearned in a longer story, but in a short one like this it’s fine.
- It’s interesting the way the narrator is clearly caught up in events way outside his experience level, pretty much no matter what path he’s on. It’s tough to tell stories with low character agency, but I think due to the length and premise it works fine here, the player still has lots of control over the story’s outcome. The endings sometimes feel kind of random, but that’s expected in this genre.

The language is functional, clear, and without many errors. It just isn’t attention grabbing or particularly interesting on its own. I noticed some ‘filler’ words and phrases that only serve to distance the reader from the narrator (like “you figure”). I feel as though the introductory paragraphs could have been tightened and shorted in a way that would make the narrator’s personality far more vivid. Right now, it feels like the narrator does have a personality, but it’s struggling to show itself through the detached narration style.
There are many places where you just have more words than you need. For instance: ”You push through the crowd of party goers, scanning the room for any sign of your sister. Groups of people are packed tightly together, swaying to the bear of the music, and you are forced to weave through them.” These two sentences are basically saying the same thing. They could be combined to improve the story’s pacing. Also just a lot of little things. You can remove “looking like” for better pace and to reduce narrative distance. You can turn “You feel your heart beating faster as…” into “Your heart beats faster as…” for similar effect. Another example: “You stare at Elise, wondering if you heard her correctly. “What? The graveyard?” you ask, still trying to comprehend what she’s suggesting.” You can chop everything after the dialogue there.
These are just examples—this trend continues throughout the story. A heavy wording edit would help the pace of this story a lot.

Conclusion: I enjoyed this game overall. It’s a simple premise and delivers on its expectations. 5/8.

Well, this was decidedly *not* a waste of about half an hour that it took to read through this story. It went by really fast, making me think I missed a path or something. It's almost 10K words, after all. But I dutifully clicked each option, just to confirm I didn't miss anything, and I don't think I have. I think the author copied and pasted some stuff instead of linking back to the same page for choices that re-branch (more on this later).

As far as how my experience went, my first ending had me die because I ran through a Narnia-like doorway, except it doesn't take you to Narnia but fucking kills you instead. That's what I get for being a simp and running after a girl I barely know.

I then proceeded to explore all the other paths, which made me realize a little something about this game: It seems very short, but it's, in fact, even shorter. Both of the "major" paths (Elise and Sarah's) have about half the choices that don't make any difference, and just re-branch instead (asking and not asking about the necklace, helping the "ghost" immediately versus not doing that).

The necklace conversation also has what I think is a bit of a fuck-up. If you proceed to try to chat her up like a normal high-school guy trying to get laid, she eventually starts running from hunters anyway, warning you about them... But you don't know anything about the hunters in this "branch" as you didn't ask about the necklace.

When we're on the topic of asking about necklaces again, holy hell is everyone in this story way too ready to share absolutely everything about their lives? Now, there's a bit of a hint that Elise has had her eyes on Peter for a while, so it could kinda make sense, but the story is very short and none of this is expanded upon, so this just ends up feeling weird... and that's coming from an autist who everyone knows loves oversharing.

I'm really sad that the descriptions of the girls are fairly non-male-gaze-y considering the kind of story we're dealing with. That kind of stuff always makes me a bit horny and makes me remember Darius is a faggot. Even if the descriptions were there, I couldn't imagine them anyway :(

Random comment, but that must be a gigantic ass fucking house if nobody notices all these weird hunters and occult shit happening.

The story was very rushed, with a lot of Deus Ex Machina. Why is our loser protagonist suddenly a Gigachad sorcerer after touching some books or some shit?

That's overall my main gripe with the story, it's too rushed. Elise seems way too comfortable talking to you in Sarah's path, like with an old buddy, despite you never having interacted previously. And, in the very same vein, why the fuck would you say something like THAT to a random girl YOU don't know is related? She also sure seems to forgive easily in about half the paths, despite you almost killing her, and making her cousin become the ruler of the world.

Well, I suppose she doesn't, given the (hilarious) final ending I got where she fucking poisons your punch. Good luck having sex in the afterlife, Peter.

And let that be a lesson to all you would-be-Peters out there not to take drinks from strangers. You hear that, Peng?

Okay, I'll leave a review because no one bothered to give one after WEEKS and this story wasn't even this long or awful to read.

When reading "Just a Saturday Night" it instantly reminds me of Ogre's work (especially his horror stories) but a little bit more kid friendly. AKA your average waste-of-oxygen schlomo meets a very quirky attractive girl who will either jump your bones or break them.

I'm not necessarily the demographic for this, but it is indeed a simple enough concept that you can pull it off in few words.

Things that I really like:
You have two very distinct routes. This is very rare in stories as short as this. I loved it. Plus it makes the rereading experience so much more satisfying. I do like that the spirit girl shows up in both routes while playing a slightly different role in each of them. It makes them more connective (she was still in the same party after all)

I'm really glad that the descriptions of the girls is fairly non-male-gazey considering the kind of story we're dealing with. That kind of stuff always makes me a bit uncomfortable.

Due to playing Elise's route first, I expected Sarah's to be the other prospective love interest of the other route. Her turning out to be very evil is a very nice surprise. It caught me off guard and spices things up.

The hunters being featured in each route.(It makes a lot of sense that in each timeline there would be a presence of a hunter.)

Things you could improve upon:
How to manage infodumping. This is the most egregious example:

Avery. Well, it's not all bad having her for an older sister. You figure that you and her have a pretty normal sibling relationship. In some ways, Avery has made life a bit easier for you once you entered high school. Avery is popular. Like rock star popular. And since you have always been awkward, she took it upon herself to look out for you and make sure high school went smoothly and that you got included in all the things she thinks of as fun. Because of her, all the "cool" kids are always nice to you so they can stay on her good side, and even though you can tell it's fake, it beats being picked on all the time. However, after she graduates at the end of this year, you will be on your own.

This isn't by itself bad, but you could have relayed this info in a much more engaging way: perhaps instead of telling the reader that Avery is very social, popular and always looking out for her little brother; you could show it easily by having a scene where Peter and Avery are driving to the party. Avery is excitedly telling Peter how much he's going to love it and raves about how blabla this party was arranged blabla their parents being overly worried blablabla, while Peter is acting very reluctant. Then when they arrive to the party, have people swarm around Avery while Peter stands there awkwardly and then quickly sneaks away to fill a bit more of his drink and then having this awkward talk with Brad. Convey his awkwardness with body language; don't look Brad in the eyes. Stuttering (you did that already! Great job!) Spilling his drink. Being overly apologetic. Falling silent. Panicking what to say because it is so silent. Make me physically cringe of that moment; (think of your own personal experiences and just add and tweak them slightly. The more specific it is, the better)

Sarah's route is a lot stronger if you have already read Elise's route. Elise's appearance in Sarah's route otherwise would feel very sudden and almost deus ex machina esque where she happens to be there to save Peter's ass. I would've at least have her make a small cameo before the two routes split off in the first page. (Avery telling Peter that Elise will also be at the party would make a good reason why the Peter even decides to go to the party in the first place and establishes he has a crush on her)

The strange new world ending of Elise's route is very very sudden; I found it funny that Peter didn't even mourn or think about his sister even once in that scene.

Elise's route is generally a bit weaker with the conflict being an outside conflict that was introduced pretty late rather than a more personal conflict between two siblings and with the one sibling being a power hungry bitch. Plus the build up and pay off and how it resolved with the hunter encounter feels very rushed and a bit weak to me. Things were summarized a lot, glanced over and such.

Other remarks:
-lolol Peter's name is Avery. Is that a tribute for the other Avery?
-the frat boy who greets you is called Brad - haha
-"Dude! Yo! Little Pete! What up, bro?!" - Is this really how popular teenagers talk? I know many of them have drowned their brain cells in cheap beer, but heh...
-There was one thing that confuses me a little. When you decide to snatch the necklace in Sarah's route, I was surprised that Sarah acted so nice when she was about to die. It seems a bit inconsistent with her very vengeful nature. I actually expected her to curse Peter out or kill him for ruining everything.
-"Hey guys! I want you all to meet my little brother," Avery announces, pulling you forward by the arm. "This is Peter."
This line feels kinda weird. Assuming that she included him in lots of activities, I would assume that plenty of these people would know Peter already. Her remark would more likely be something like "Peter how are things going? I've been looking for you."
-I don't think that Elise would be the one to spill the beans to a person she barely has talked to. That offer Elise something to drink route feels therefore a bit off.

All in all; a story that had some fun ideas but really collapsed due to being overly ambitious.

Does not follow EndMaster's guide for a good Pokemon game

cool story! the biggest problem imo is that tries to do too much too fast. none of it really has time to soak in