Slavic Pagans

General Recommendation: Recommended! Great worldbuilding, and a fun plot, an original and engaging fantasy world. If you’re not feeling it after the first few pages, don’t worry, it picks up once you get to the village. Not joking about the maturity warnings.
Preview: After your life in your previous village was upended by an invasion (among other things), you try to settle down as the shaman in a new village. But something is really weird about this village.

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
Reading a story by Cel always seems to follow the same pattern. A few paragraphs in I’m confused and disinterested, jarred out of the story by clumsy phrasing. Then, I get hooked by various worldbuilding elements and plot turns, and the story takes off from there.
The weakest part of this story is its opening sequence. It has little to do with the rest of the plot, and doesn’t add much to the story. The writing itself also seems to be less elegent. But the oddities smooth out as the reading goes on, and the story quickly becomes engaging and focused.
I’m on the fence about whether this is a sign of Cel getting into the zone as a writer, or me getting into the zone as a reader. It could be the jarring aspects of the writing style smooth out as Cel grows comfortable with the characters and story, or as I get used to the somewhat choppy writing style it becomes easier to read. Interesting, either way.
The worldbuilding is fantastic. I’ve said this before with respect to Vincha, but this is a very well-developed fantasy world with some very interesting and non-traditional elements. It’s an alternate earth history, it’s based on Slavic mythology which isn’t often used, and the way magic intersects with culture is different from what one generally sees. Everything feels organic and integrated too. There was clearly a good amount of research involved, or at least enough of it to fool the average plebian reader like me.
Not only is the worldbuilding great, but it’s interwoven masterfully with the plot. The role each god, mythological figure, and religion plays in the plot feels organic and natural, while also satisfyingly surprising.
In a way this story feels like an authentic dungeons and dragons type setting, particularly reminiscent of early editions. Something about the tone, the types of mosters and religions, and the way magical elements are integrated in the setting. You could easily set an RPG here.
The religions are my favorite part, appropriately enough given the nature of the contest this was submitted for. It reminds me a bit of Rogues in terms of the religious politics and the wide variety of different types of religions. A lot of fantasy stories will have a faux-Christiany religion, or a polytheistic religion, or a naturalistic religion. But the real world had all of these, and by incorporating many different types of religions, this world has a very realistic and engaging feel to it. You feel like you’re just scratching the surface of a very complex universe. This is mythologically and historically inspired fantasy worldbuilding at its best.
Plotwise, this is a shortish and fun vampire story. There aren’t any huge twists on vampiric folklore, but the real enjoyment in this story is in the diversity of the world and possible interactions. The plot is satisfying, and has plenty of variation.
I like that Filip is a shaman. It’s an interesting perspective for a narrator, and gives him a lot of agency.

Specific notes:
-Surely your exact 44,000 word count was deliberate.
-Yikes, starting off with an “as you know” speech. Everyone here already knows the history of the Singidunum fortress, this is clearly just for the reader’s benefit. Opening speech isn’t really doing it for me, the wording feels clunky and weird.
-Lol, “ruining the surprise part of your surprise attack”.
-Lol, “hit it till it dies”
-Neat, how did you bold the link?
-Zlatko’s a dick, okay. Or posessed.
-I like the way this is grounded in an earth-like world, it gives the fantasy elements a unique feel.
-I also really like the way the spellcasters are in a shamanistic role. I feel like a lot of fantasy focuses on mage-as-warrior or mage-as-scholar, when historically, a lot of spellcasters were in very different roles. It’s a nice take on it. EDIT: Ah, the next paragraph is going into this very distinction with shamanistic vs arcane vs dark magic. Very nice worldbuilding.
-This is an infodump, but it doesn’t bother me.
-Ah, yes, I thought Zlatko sounded familiar. I probably should have re-read Vincha before this one. Oh well.
-Narrator’s history is getting a little tell-y, though again, don’t see how you could avoid it with him walking alone. Generally it’s best to reveal necessary background information bit by bit, through things like dialogue, rather than all at once and before it’s needed.
-I don’t think “endurant” is a word.
-Sweet, non-traditional fantasy creatures!
-That is one… powerful wind spell.
-Long haired beareded guy in a white tunic walking on water… must be Jesus. EDIT: I was joking, but now he’s claiming to be a Shepherd. He’s either Jesus or impersonating Jesus.
-Oh, this is getting REALLY interesting. I cannot wait to see whatever kind of Christianity-inspired/impersonating thing this is intersecting with the already vividly-developed religion and magic of the world.
-Lol, “The village gates that I have not yet entered?”
-I wonder why so many “head gods” are thunder gods. Did they all originate from some sort of proto-pantheon that all human cultures shared in common, or did each culture come to this conclusion seperately?
-Lol this whole town is being eaten by a vampire.
-Oh hey, it’s the dude from Vincha. Aaaand he’s having sex with his sister. Nice to see nothing’s changed around here while I’ve been gone.
-I’m trying to remember what time period Vlad the Impaler is supposed to have lived during. I think it was the 500s. I guess this could be him.
-Okay something’s up with Vlada. Like, something plot-relevant.
-Vlada, Vlad. Is this anything.
-Not surprised to learn everyone in this village is high. I wonder if the vampire gets high off their blood.
-I like the way you’re spacing out your link pages.
-The pacing of Andrija’s explanation interspersed with the narrator’s thoughts is good.
-This story is at a disadvantage in that the plot twist is “Holy shit, a vampire!” when it’s pretty obvious from the beginning that we’re dealing with a vampire here. But I think it works. It’s a different kind of enjoyment, but it’s still fun reading and catching all the clues and finding out what’s going to happen. There are still plenty of fun mystery elements.
-Jovan is fun.
-Nice, sentient plants.
-Join new village, make new friends, kill vampire that has been plaguing the town for years on end. All in a good week’s work.
-Lol, “FOCUS YOUR FIRE ON FLUFFY”
-I like that after the vampire’s defeat the story isn’t over. Realistically his hold on the village isn’t going to disappear just like that, as none of them really know how to cope without him. I like that there’s still plenty that can go wrong.
-“It seemed fitting, given the lack of choices.” Damn.
-Oh hey, I got thanked. Thanks!
-I like that many of the epilogues happen 100+ years in the future.
-Realistically, you can’t speak with your head chopped off since you don’t have any lungs or vocal chords.
-Evil rabbit turtles. Okay.
-Hakuna ma…what…
-Hey, I was right! Vlada the impaler!
-Like the Vincha references in the epilogues.

Grammar:
All good.
Mastery of Language:
The big takeaway: Wordiness & editing. There are a LOT of places where editing for clarity and conciceness would greatly improve the reader’s experience. Nothing a round or two of editing wouldn’t clear up. I’ve mentioned a few examples, but this is really everywhere. Clearing up this issue would probably boost my rating at least a point.
There’s some places where there’s needless repetition of points.
“”…it means our only point of approach is from the south,” you explained the logisitical and tactical issues with the assault you’re about to begin.” The dialogue tag here is needlessly long and clunky. Rephrasing what the narrator’s point is is unnecessary.
Another example: “screamed loudly from the very front as you began your assault, ensuring that every single enemy in the fortress was well alerted to your presence, completely ruining the "surprise" part of your surprise attack.“ This is 3 different ways to say “he was loud”. You really only need 2, the “screamed” part, and the joke.
Another example: “"You all saw that right? Now you have to understand what I'm talking about," you uttered, satisfied that your point has been proven.“ It’s clear from the dialogue that the narrator is satisfied their point has been proven, it doesn’t need to be explained.
Other grammar notes:
-More/better comma use would be nice.
-Show don’t tell etc. Etc.
I’ll stop here; most of the feedback is just “edit for sentence structure” and there’s only so many ways you can say that. This advice is particularly important for your writing style, since you often have asides and jokes in your narration that would really benefit from some more elegant phrasing. There is the potential for some very clever and enjoyable language use here, and I would love to see it fulfilled. But it’s not there yet.
It’s possible I’m being a little hard on this category since I’ve been off CYS for 4ish months and am not used to the horrors of the “new storygames” grammar pile. I’m sure I’ll build up my tolerance again.

Branching:
Pretty good. Most choices that seem like they should lead to new options do, and there’s a very wide variety of possible epilogues.

Player options/Fair choice:
Pretty good. There are some random “fuck you” deaths, but not too many.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:
I got killed by a lycanthrope, then I became I lycanthrope, then I ended up embracing our lord and savior Jesus Christ and getting kicked out of the village, which seems to be the “main ending” given that it comes with the author’s notes.

WRITING ADVICE:
Unfortunately for you, your worst writing always seems to happen at the beginning of your stories. If you work on smoothing out your beginnings, you’ll probably have much better reader retention. Most people make their decision about reading (and often about rating) within the first page.
Have you tried writing in first person? Your writing style seems suited to it. Probably not helpful advice for cyoa writing.

CONCLUSION: The excellent worldbuilding drives my rating up to a 7. With a thorough edit for sentence structure, this would be an 8.

Slavic pagans, the only piece of fiction I've read where you're chased by a weird eldritch dog-horse-human-thing and then soon afterwards being saved by none other than Jesus Christ. This is a prequel of Vincha, but you can just directly jump into this story.

This time we see the old characters like Zlatko and the old vinchan Hag making their cameo. It's still amusing to see Zlatko being Zlatko, you know betraying the protag again. And we also see dear old Velimir in one of the endings, still banging his sister. (It feels so funny, the whole scenario. You've turned into a tragic demon monster and have been slain by none other than ol' pervy Velimir. Yeah, very bad fate, feel bad for Filip) This line too from Velimir, too funny if you previously read Vincha. It's quite a fun detail to see as in one of the endings Velimir kind of got assualted by her. I like that these endings of Slavic Pagans also get tied with Vincha in this manner. It's really kind of neat.

Yeah, but as I said before, it wasn't actually me that killed him. It was this old, ugly, fat, disgusting witch," Velimir shivers as he recalls his past.
"Could her name perhaps have been Enya?" you ask him.
"Yes. Wait... HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HER!" Velimir suddenly begins shouting. "WHAT DO YOU KNOW, TELL ME!"

Well that's a weird reaction. I wonder what he's hiding.
Vlad is also such a delight to read, the odd friendliness really contrasts well with the omnimous happenings around his village, aka human sacrifices and his sweaty armpits.

Let's also talk about Filip the shaman, our protagonist. In contrast the other two in Celcini's works, he functions more as a straight man that found himself between all the wacky characters. Clearly he's shown to have more moral worth and intelligence in his toenail than all of Velimir combined.

You know, with all the mythology lore and all this extra info, you could easily place it in the edutainment category haha.

One thing to mention, while I really like the extra info given about the Gods for example the slavic pantheon page, at times I felt it was little much of an infodump. I think this info could be better incorporated within the narrative besides being relocated to the wandering thoughts of Filip. I do think that the way the infodump is written makes it qualitatively better than most I've read. This line is I guess my favorite.

You've also heard that some other tribes call him Prabog, though you have no patience for such heresy - you've had many a fight with Zlatko about the god's proper name. In hindsight, how the hell were the two of you friends in the first place?

Great characterization plus great exposition. I just wish that these things were in the main narrative.

What I also like in the story is that despite all the fantastical beings, monsters and magic, some historical events have played a sizeable role in the storyline. For example Christianity vs pagan beliefs with Jovan offering you the bible or the impact the Justinian plague has killed his family. That's quite a lot of good details and makes the world more grounded into ours.

Oof and I also get more lore about Vincha. Turns out that these people weren't as noble as Enya told us in Vincha, clearly they also did some slavery. Quite fun knowledge which put a new perspective on the first story.

I think I got ending 1,5 and 6 before I got to the main ending. Still don't know what the 69 ending could be. Well anyway, great story, the flow of words was great (I think you've snatched some great proofreaders :), or you were just good wordsmith yourself, eh). Would recommend.

I’ll begin with a disclaimer: To the author, take everything I mention with a grain of salt; I’m no master when it comes to writing, nor am I a seasoned reviewer (yet). As for readers, beware of spoilers galore. Do yourselves a favor and read the storygame first.

Alright, I may be slightly biased because I beta-tested this storygame in its earlier stages, but it’s a deserving contest winner and well worth a read. As most of the proofreading-related feedback I provided have already been implemented, this review would focus more on the story-side of things.

Because it’ll be a long review—where I may or may not copy portions from pre-written feedback—I’ll try to organize it by headings so it doesn’t feel like too much of a random text wall.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

I like the little poem/ quote at the start. It sets up the tone of the story nicely and shows readers what sort of theme to expect. As promised, this story does feature battles and choices that’ll lead to failure or success. Another thing it does brilliantly is showing us the protagonist’s character. Our main character is critical of the ‘fools’ in his company, out for his own survival, and wanting to learn more about religion. This is amazing because it instantly deviates from the stories where the narration is dry and devoid of personality. (If you can’t tell, I enjoy reading deep POV style stories).

Now, normally I don’t recommend starting with an info-dump (even if it’s about something important, like the description of the fortress you’re about to attack). But in this case, it doesn’t go on for too long or provide too many unnecessary details, so it’s pretty much readable without losing the reader’s interest. And it’s followed by a quick rant to show why this information is important while also characterizing the protagonist.

NARRATIVE STYLE

There’s a lot of humorous little lines in this storygame. If you enjoy dry humor, understatement, sarcasm, situational humor, or things that are over-the-top, then this storygame’s definitely a great read. Here’s an example of this: there’s a whole description of how hated a certain character is, only to be summed up by the line, “So yeah, he definitely wasn't the most popular guy around.”

There are probably better examples, actually. Like: "Goodbye, little plant. You grew up to be a nice, strong plant yes, yes... And now you'll be smoked by me and make me do a whole lot of dumb shit that fucks up my life. Yes, you will.” But a lot of the jokes require more than a few lines of context so I’ll let you discover the hidden gems on your own.

Ok, fine, maybe I should mention something that can be improved upon so this review includes constructive criticism. The author uses a few crutch words/ phrases/ punctuation marks too often, like ‘of course’ (on the first page), ellipses, and overusing adverbs. It wasn’t a glaring issue that stood out to me, but replacing adverbs with stronger verbs or just omitting them entirely could make writing more concise. Tip for ellipses: only use it when you’ve said something suspenseful and want to slow down the pacing to stretch the tension. This suspenseful thing must matter to the character, and most of the time, be immediately important (so a wound that would only affect you later or a suspenseful memory should not need an ellipsis; there are exceptions but this should probably help you reduce them so they have more of an impact when they’re used). Also, minor nitpick: there seems to be a semi-colon where a full stop ought to be on the 2nd page.

Then there’s a page where the prose suddenly shifts to bullet-point descriptions of a character. Now, it’s an interesting way to describe someone, and taps into the logical side of my brain, but it may slightly break immersion. Also, there’s the line, “There's just a lot of stuff... incredibly off about him:” and one of the bullet points starts with “Back at your tribe's original location, you found an old graveyard full of what appeared to be some extremely ancient corpses.” So… the thing off about him is that the protagonist found a graveyard of corpses? Now, I know the context is later explained within that paragraph, but for consistency's sake it’s probably best to restructure that part so the thing off about the guy comes first before the explanation of the graveyard.

I don’t know how I missed this hilarious typo when proofreading, but look at this line: “"THEN PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD!" he howls and starts charging you.” Hmm, why did our protagonist brutally trip up the over-enthusiastic man who merely got out a cash-register so the protagonist could pay an entry fee? (It should be ‘charging at you’ lol; charging you implies the exchange of money).

While I must say I didn’t get most of the references, and sometimes they bordered on the verge of breaking immersion (due to some dialogue being slightly out of character or a line of description not really fitting the story), it’s a unique feature of all of Cel’s stories. And it’s always fun to catch a reference you know.

TONE & ATMOSPHERE

Now, here’s something I’m fascinated by when it comes to the writer’s tone and style: it’s the perfect blend between lighthearted and dark. And no, I don’t exactly understand how it works so well either. But it’s brilliant.

The darker, grimmer scenes are interspersed with light-hearted humor and comedic moments, none of which detracts from the other. Rather, they complement one another—it’s just like that piece of writing advice, where if you want to show how badly something affects a character, you must first contrast it with a moment where they’re happy.

That all sounds pretty abstract so here’s a spoilery example: one of the endings seems very fever-dream-like, with over-the-top sequences and humor through exaggeration. Yet, somehow, it still retains a suspenseful atmosphere that keeps the reader hooked. This means the reader’s laughing at the crazy scenes while still worrying about what’s yet to come. And yes, as far-fetched as this scene was, it still makes sense when reading the ‘true path’, so I’m rather impressed by how the most nonsensical seeming things often have a solid explanation later in the story.

Basically, the world can be a horrid place, but you’re meant to laugh at how bad everything is.

The descriptions are pretty well done too. They’re sprinkled in nicely without feeling overdone or purple-prosey, and these help with setting the scene. Honestly, if the author is writing this well with a ‘blind imagination’, I wonder what descriptions would be like if he could see it all play out in his mind’s eye.

Here’s an example of some good description: “All of them told of their sufferings through their expressions, with no exceptions. Blood spilled out from every orifice and puddles of blood formed at the base of the stakes.”

Pacing’s handled well. The build-up to the climax stretches suspense as far as it can go. I particularly need to learn from the author about how to strategically use the release of information to manufacture a sense of dread-filled realizations later on. An instance of this can be found where the protagonist wonders why the tribe he’s just joined is so averse to eating the remnants of sacrifices, only to find out at the end of the scene that the sacrifices aren’t animals—they’re humans.

CHOICES

There are a good number of choices in this story. Every outcome makes sense based on the options presented, even if it doesn’t always seem apparent at first, and especially at the end, the ‘correct’ choice is foreshadowed well and you’re meant to pick based on the recurring themes and motifs.

The storygame rewards you for choosing to act in a realistic nature given the constraints of the protagonist, which means choosing to do something stupid would get you killed, even if the narrative acknowledges that might be the more moral choice. And there are certainly choices you know would end the game prematurely, but they’re still fun to play through all the same.

Quite a lot of branching is involved here, and it’s possible to discover new things about the story in each different playthrough. In fact, I highly recommend this (especially if you don’t get the epilogue) because some paths explain things in other paths, even if neither of those paths are the main one. Confused? Well, play this game if you want to find out what I mean!

STORY & PLOT

I always love a well-executed plot twist, and this story does have a number of them. Some are more minor, like the one near the start, but there are also others that are foreshadowed pretty well. Speaking of foreshadowing, it’s used very well to convey a sense of dread, especially when it comes to the central conflict of the story. There’s this unsettling doubt creeping upon the reader as Filip enters the village, subtly showing signs of the people’s ritualistic way of life (especially when further foreshadowed by the info-link about the ominous god they worship), and that’s why this is one of the storygames where a second or third read through would only serve to enhance the experience.

The foreshadowing works in a way that satisfies readers, and even though one of the revelations wasn’t shocking, it works because that wasn’t supposed to be a plot twist—I’m reminded of this writing advice where sometimes, it’s better to let readers know what’s happening and stretch out the tension instead of limiting suspense to one gotcha-moment.

The worldbuilding is rich and vivid. I really like that the world feels lived-in and realistic, with a strong sense of culture and norms. If you’re interested in that sort of thing, the information links are worth a read. It’s also a good exercise for aspiring writers who’d like to improve their worldbuilding craft. Tbh I don’t tend to read info-links, but I felt obliged to when providing feedback, and I must say, I’m glad I read those. They add a whole new dimension to the story especially if you’re noticing the little details here and there.

Let’s talk about the little details. There’s evidence that this story is very well thought out, and upon reading a 2nd or 3rd time, I start to notice tiny things that I wouldn’t have before. For instance, a character’s strange action that’s brushed aside at first makes a lot more sense later. And not all of these things are explicitly explained and shoved in the face of readers, but it truly enhances this narrative for attentive readers.

CHARACTERS & THE ENDING

Alright I’m going to talk about the ending a bit. (Heavy spoilers ahead — please do not read this if you haven’t found the epilogue). I like how it’s one of those types of endings where it signals the beginning of a new adventure, and after Byzantium being mentioned countless times as a wondrous, esteemed place, this is the kind of ending that makes you want to know more about what happens next.

And even though it isn’t the typical happy ending where you rule a kingdom or defeat a new bad guy, it’s pretty great because it ties up all the plot points and shows character development. Not only do you find out about all the information you’re lacking, but you get to leave behind a lasting legacy and fulfill the mission you wanted to at the very start of the story.

Now, onto characters. There are a lot of archetypal characters there for humor/ moving the plot forward, but I like the fresh takes on old tropes. For instance, the ‘wise, old mentor’ archetype is given a refreshing twist by featuring a loony, crazed loner who doesn’t always have all the answers. And the characters are all characterized well and have believable motives.

As for character development, Filip changes quite drastically in a lot of the endings (e.g. the one he became childish due to a life of being spoiled and pampered), and this is no different. He first entered the village as somewhat of a selfish anti-hero who couldn’t care less about the rest of his tribe, and over the course of his journey, not only became a heroic type who saved the whole village from Urosh, but also learnt to overcome his initial prejudice against people deemed outcasts like Jovan and Vlada. And his initial preoccupation with status and admiration is overcome as he turns his back on the villagers, no longer choosing to compromise his morals just to be held in high regard by the people around him. That’s a pretty powerful moral there. Also, the message of them leaving their old lives and status behind to follow Christ is a recurring theme in the Bible, so I guess this can be considered a Bible-related story too. Lastly, I like how the epilogue shows that Filip does achieve his desire for fame and status long after his death, but only after he chose to give that up for more noble goals.

The callback to the story’s title at the end is great too. Or maybe I just like callbacks.

CONCLUSION

Congratulations on winning the contest, Celicni! This storygame is no doubt a brilliant addition to the site too. And to those of you who, for some reason, have decided to read this review before the storygame, I implore you to scroll back to the top and click the play button now!

And no, I did not copy-and-paste large chunks of this review from my earlier feedback to get another featured comment. Now why would I do that?

A great amount of creativity here, this story has a very interesting and well-crafted world with interesting characters and some exciting plot developments, a really well-written, if dark, story.

This was an entertaining read. It's clear you put a lot of research into the topic. The writing was a bit clunky at times. It was a bit distracting to have these 6th century slavs speak with so many anachronisms. "Flexing on retards" and "death by snu-snu" doesn't really jive with the overall tone of the game.

Rated an 8 to make up for Ford’s 1.

Definitely a good story and worthy of the contest win.

I really enjoyed reading this and exploring the different endings. The worldbuilding was solid, and it was enjoyable to explore. The branching was well done, characterization was great, and the writing was descriptive. Even the supporting characters added much to the atmosphere of the story. Really, I don't find any weak points at all - nice job Cel!

Overall, definitely recommend. Great story and fun to read!

I'm a bit jealous at what you were able to craft here. However, I can see why this was a contest winner. Technically a winner of two contests with the little tangent competitive one you decided to bet the worth of this story in.

But I suppose things like that pay out in dividends. Apparently this wasn't the full scope of what you wanted to reach with this story? Well, even if that is the case, your story-game that is here is one that is entertaining. Great use of pictures to set the epic scenes at times, but never used as a crutch, because the quality of the writing more than held up its weight in creating a nice enthralling story.

I can't find any faults. I'm mostly bad at that aspect of reviewing things, I think.

Sooo, good story. I hope you continue to look both ways before crossing the street so we can get more stories like this from you, Celicni.

Kudos.

I...think I found it. Thank you Cel for putting something like that in this story. I need to bleach my eyeballs and my brain now. Gross

I hope this was the 69 ending. I Think the story has been great. The worldbuilding and character creation is amazing. The plot is super interesting, and the writing style is phenomenal. I can see why Ford's story lost.