Gay and Depressed in Prison

I felt morally obligated to write you a review in payment for the review you wrote on my own storygame. Be warned that I am deeply homophobic, so a significant percentage of my complaints should be viewed with skepticism.

The first page was both amusing and written solidly. It offered a good hook as far as first pages go, and the breaking of the third wall was done sparsely enough to enhance the engagement.

Try spelling out small numbers, eg. 5 becomes five. It’s the standard in most fiction and makes the text flow better.

It seemed illogical that the main character would attempt to escape after mentally monologuing about the size of the prison and the number of guards. Mentioning some sort of weak point in the prison, such as the guard letting go of him, or an open door, would make it a more realistic choice.

The escape route could’ve been fleshed out a bit more. It just reads as a brief summary of events as of now. Taking the time to write out a more compelling and lengthier scene would’ve paid off in my opinion.

Playing off the run-on sentences and infodumps of backstory as a narrative choice to add humor worked pretty well. Ideally you would not have run-on sentences and infodumps, but this is probably the best way to disguise them if you do.

“I mean sure, they got kicked out of the church, but that's cause church these days is too progressive.”

I think this is a rather strong example of letting the reader engage with the text themselves. You don’t explicitly say the prison warden is an extremist of unparalleled proportions, and the reader can easily glean that themselves.

Telling rather than letting the reader do as such was a major problem in your first storygame, so great improvements here.

“a cocktail of shame, anger, and fear marinating in your stomach”

That’s a nice metaphor. It was certainly unique, and I liked it.

The continued references to the anti-gay alliance rather than treating it as a one-off joke was I think was the best way to handle it. Regardless of the improbability and ridiculousness, it allowed for worldbuilding and made for a more fleshed out story that felt it could take place in another world.

No comment on the gay necrophilia rape, however large a percentage of the story it may be.

Similarly to the escape route, the drug empire route could’ve been a bit expanded. Rather than summarizing the protagonist’s flamethrower-fueled murder spree and subsequent suicide, the story would’ve really benefited from actually describing these events. They don’t have to be nearly as descriptive as the rest of the story, but there’s no emotional impact to the reader when it’s just a barebones outline.

The education ending was alright. Thought it could’ve been a more defined path with more branching rather than an immediate death, but that’s the issue with contest deadlines.

You end sentences that seem like they should end with question marks with periods. I’m not sure if it’s grammatically wrong, but it doesn’t read smoothly. Below is an example.

“…you've already won, so why stop here.”

It seemed to me that it would make more sense to pose it at a rhetorical question, eg. “why stop here?”.

On that note, the way you form sentence structure as a whole reads as a bit strange to me. Take this, for example.

“Had it been a Chick-Fil-A you would have showed up with automatic rifle, but unfortunately, the anti-gay alliance only sponsors heavily for special fast food outposts, and Wendy's, my dears, simply doesn't make the cut.”

There’s nothing inherently wrong with the way it’s written now, but splitting it up into shorter sentences and removing a few words makes it easier to comprehend.

“Had it been a Chick-Fil-A, you would have showed up with an automatic rifle. Unfortunately, the anti-gay alliance only sponsors fast food outposts, and Wendy’s doesn’t make the cut.”

Is the only ending where he survives the one where he is raped by the other prisoners? That’s rather depressing, but it does fit the overall message and style of the story.

The characterization was not a strong suit of the story. Peter and Dergo don’t show up beyond the first page. The warden has a backstory and his personality is consistent, but he has functionally no depth or reason for the reader to be interested in him.

The characterization of the main character was better. He goes through a revelation and realizes he is gay despite being a part of the anti-gay alliance, which was done both realistically and comedically.

This shift in perspective was one of the stronger parts of the story, but he didn’t have many traits aside from that, which detracted from his earlier strong characterization.

The impact of the gayness on his personality could’ve been explored further in the differing routes, such as by making him bitter that he’s dedicated his life to an organization that only hates him, or by making him more empathetic to other societal issues.

The style was strong, capturing the edgelord style of writing skillfully. The depravity isn’t overdone, and the comedy that it’s interlaced with helps to make the writing engrossing. The narration was one of the strong suits of the story.

SPAG was pretty good. The only error that caught my attention was “2.Get educated”, on the rebel page, which is missing a space between “2.” and “Get”.

The branching was decent, but I would’ve liked to see each of the branches as a more defined and detailed story.
It was less homophobic that I wanted it to be, but still a solid story, and worth the few minutes it takes to read. 5/8.

As an official authority on things that are gay and depressed, I am legally obligated to review your storygame.
To open this up, how DARE you mention my masterpiece alongside Darius’s work. His story is not canon G&D, but rather some weird spinoff. I’ll let you have a pass because you’re new and pretty ok… just this once.

Overall: I actually recommend reading this (if you liked the previous installments to the Gay and Depressed series, that is). Every story dives deeper into the lives of the characters we’ve come to know and love, and every story gets longer as the series grows, too. This is a funny little tale that is definitely worth the fifteen or so minutes it should take you to play through a path.

Characters:
Of course Peter and Dergo are A+ characters and need no improvement.
The robber goes through a major personality shift, but I think it works.
The warden had a clearly stated personality and backstory.
In actuality there are only two real characters, meaning this isn’t the story’s strongest point.
4/8

SPAG: There are a few mistakes here and there in the grammar department, but spelling is generally alright.
5/8

Branching: There’s a surprising amount of ways this story can go, but all of the branches end really abruptly.
4/8

Plot: If I hear anyone complaining about the plot of this I’ll… do nothing, actually, but the sentiment is there. It has the weird and quirky randomness that is necessary for the series.
(in all seriousness, though, the only thing dragging it down is its length and even moreso the abruptness of every ending)
3/8

Bonuses: +1 because it’s a direct continuation of my story and not Darius’s

Total: I can tell you really tried on this, and your efforts paid off. I’m honored to have my story continued in this one. I think the 5/8 my ratings come to is well-deserved and you should be proud.

**other comments (aka SPOILERS)**
The very first page is scene 5? I mean you do you.

The opening line is everything one could ask for when headed into a story such as this.

Hey. heyyyy. I understood that reference.
OMIGOSH SOMEONE WROTE FANFIC OF MY STORY

If he’s getting turned on by a corpse, suppressed gayness is the least of his concern. Lol

wtf
WTF

Beginning on Scene 3, I would suggest spelling out the word “three” in the first sentence.

Actually I only murdered the one young man. Last sentence of the first paragraph, scene 3

>"Shit, no! Focus, man" you tell yourself.
Should have a comma after “man”

>"What, what the fuck do you want?", you belligerently say to the guard.
THAT comma definitely doesn’t need to be there. Also it’s generally not a good idea to tack “ly” onto the end of a sorta long word like that.

Again, you should spell out numbers (especially small ones like 6, 8, or 5) within the story.

He likes Taylor Swift, but somehow has gotten this far without realizing he’s gay???

I do like Wardens

“gayscape” lmao

>"goo-, goo-, goodfellas?", you stutter.
First off, capitalize that g. Also, commas only go INSIDE quotation marks, and not if there’s a question mark, exclamation point, dash, or interrobang already there.

“Sherman correctional center and prison” should all be capitalized

You actually don’t have to capitalize warden, though.

I feel as though there should be an option to not rebel, though that may just be personal preference speaking.

The longer the story goes on, the more sentences start with “you”. It gets pretty redundant.

Uh, no, we don’t just get to skip two years in the middle of a page. Time skips in stories that are already short are a major pet peeve of mine.

Scene 197. Lmao

Really, really into kissing dying people. Gay.

Not that you’re going for a realistic and accurate story, but drug lords usually aren’t out there doing their own dirty work. Maybe he just hated them so much he wanted to watch them die right in front of him, I guess.

this was suprisingly not homophobic

I am gay and depressed and will go to jail for being gay (project 2025) which means this was a view into the future, I'm looking forward to it.

Just switched it to Love and Dating, thanks for the suggestion Suranna!

This was hilarious, RK. I have nothing but praise for it.
My only nitpick would be to suggest that you put this in the Love & Dating section, so that we can see all 3 glorious entries side by side.

Otherwise, this was a fantastic entry to the famous Gay and Depressed series. May it live in infamy.

Truly this was the Gay and Depressed in Prison.

I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect, but I knew it definitely going to be as the tile described. It exceeded my expectations. The idea of playing a killer already off the deep end, going even further and just being sadistically homosexual is ridiculously hilarious. The reader will definitely get entertainment value with the over-the-top themes present here and the lengths it will go to get a laugh. It is pretty short and one wishes that it could be longer. Still, if you’re in on the joke, it’s a fun romp that won’t take much of your time.

Thos newest installment of the Gay and Depressed series was riddled with humor, aggressive homosexuality, but unfortunately little depression. It was well written and funny, and the juxtaposition between Krallonor being very well mannered only to read this story about an aggressively homosexual murderer going on about killing the faggots is hilarious.

I only wish the paths were a bit longer, but that's just the time limits of the contest, and not a complaint but a compliment to how fun it was to read.

I haven't read the other storygames in the Gay and Depressed series, so this was my first introduction to it. And it was a...very interesting introduction. Definitely worthy of a 5/8.

Not sure what the random scene numbers at the top of each page were about. Were they related to the previous games in this series? Interesting how the scenes weren't in a linear order...but the numbers made me think of movies, so there's that.

The very first scene made me think of the Deadpool movies, with the player character monologuing to an invisible audience, so that was kind of fun. I'm a little confused, though, as it seemed like there was only one person who was killed by the player character, but the narration keeps referencing two...unless that's related to one of the previous games in the series, of course.

I liked the revelation of the player character finding out he's gay at the start, even though kissing someone dying, who you killed, was kind of...ick. Still, that scene was written quite well, at least in my opinion.

I would have liked the option to do a bit more in the storygame. There were three options of things to do in the prison, but only the drug option had an extra choice leading from it. I would have liked being able to build the drug empire, at least.

The storygame definitely kept to the 'gay' part of the title, though I'm not sure I found much of the 'depressed' part. For most of the storygame, the player character seems to be pretty happy...though I guess the endings tend to fit the depressed theme pretty well.

Anyway, entertaining storygame, though I do wish it had been longer. Thank you for sharing!

Do more of these story’s prision ,bad guy,boss ,criminal