Childhood: I'm an Elf that hits Trans Wolverine's mom with a cookie tray every Christmas
Teens: I'm an Elf that hits Trans Wolverine's mom with decorative soaps every Christmas
Adulthood: I'm an Elf that slaps Trans Wolverine's mom with a hanger every Christmas
End Years: I'm an Elf that's a bigwig now, so I send other elves to do those three things every year to Trans Wolverine's mom every Christmas.
I am proselytizing atheist as well, though I feel compelled to observe the ancient rites of Hausblotan to keep the old gods from coming back in the dark time between the years. (i.e. don't need nobody's son as a pretense for gifts)
Merry Whatever :)
Strange, this letter was mailed to me by mistake. I'll post it here for you:
I'm the elf-accountant that charges parents for all of the toys Santa brings two days after Christmas. That's why your bank account magically empties this time of year. Also, I collect the royalties from Coca-cola.
Fun fact, the modern day Santa outfit was designed by Coca-cola as a marketing ploy for those commercials where Santa drinks a coke. It caught on and Santa has worn a red and white (their company colors) suit ever since. We charge a hefty amount up here for that kind of brand-loyalty.
On a related note, if you want to be on the nice-list next year, please send me 1,000$ and your parent's credit card info.
The Elf on a Shelf
More seriously, merry Christmas everyone!
I don't have much plans because I'm a huge lonely faggot, I'm likely just going to stay at home for the day and jerk off to MLP porn. The streets are mostly empty though, so I could go outside for an hour or two and hope a random truck hits me and ends my pathetic existence.
Happy Holidays, everyone!
I had enchiladas. They were pretty good.
Hi Glad I'm Tim
merry christmas you big bird. I hope santa has brought you an even bigger banhammer
I see Brad must've done his coding voodoo to this thread.
With that said, Merry Christmas All :)
You can make them bounce away when your mouse gets near one.
(Credit goes to John Julius Norwich, edited slightly to make me an elf.) ^_^
That partridge, in that lovely little pear tree! What an adorable, enchanting, poetic present! Bless you and thank you.
Your faithful elf, Jolly.
The two turtle doves arrived this morning and are cooing away in the pear tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful.
With undying devotion, as always, Jolly.
You do thinks of the most original presents: whoever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity that we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Thank you, anyway, they're lovely.
Your eternally grateful elf, Jolly.
What a surprise - four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning impossible. But I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful - of course I am.
Lots of love from Jolly.
The post-elf has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly. A really lovely present - lovelier in a way than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of use got much sleep last night. Mama Elf says she wants us to use the rings to 'wring' their necks - she's only joking, I think; though I know what she means. But I love the rings. Bless you.
Your most devoted elf, Jolly.
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the doorstep. Frankly, I rather hoped you had stopped sending me birds - we have no room for them and they have already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but - let's call a halt, shall we?
I thought I said no more birds; but this morning I woke up to find no less than seven swans all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not thinks what happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds - to say nothing of what they leave behind them. Please, please STOP.
Your elf Jolly.
Frankly, I think I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids - AND their cows? Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Look here Santa, this has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing; all I can say is that judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The elf village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless hussies with nothing on but their lipstick cavorting round the toy factory - and it's Mama Elf and I who get blamed. If you value your elves loyalty - which I do less and less - kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once.
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing abour all over what used to be the garden - before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it; and several of them, I notice, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the other elves are trying to have us evicted. This is a clear case of harassment of an employee and I won't stand for it anymore!
This is the last straw. You know I detest bagpipes. The toy factory has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse and an elf from the Council has just declared it an unsafe work environment and cancelled all toy production. At least Mama Elf has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. If your goal was to drive your poor faithful elf out of his job so that you could give that promotion to your lazy nephew Jim then you succeeded. Consider this my formal resignation. I hope you're satisfied.
Your former employee, Jolly.
Our client, Jolly the Elf, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on his premises a half-past seven this morning of the entire percussion section of the North Pole Philharmonic Orchestra, he has no course left open to him but to seek an injunction to prevent your importuning him further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, Yours faithfully, G.TINKER Elf-at-law.
Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. ^_^