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Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUUUUUU!" Nate screamed at the goddamn picture of that fucking WHORE on his laptop.

SMASH

"YEAH! FUCK! FUCK YOU, FUCKING SLUT! The bitch had the audacity to get fucking AIDS and not even tell me!! The bitch! Thank God I stole her phone and made the fucking kids open it up, the ingrates!!!"

With that he storms into the living room, with two heads staring back at him.

"YEAH, I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, YOU FUCKHEADS! Why didn't you fucking tell me your mother was a fucking whore! I should've known it when I found out you all had separate dads! I should- DON'T YOU FUCKING STARE AT ME!"

SQUIRT, SQUIRT!

"YEAH, FUCK YOU BITCH! Good luck staring at me without fucking eyeballs! I should lube up your skulls and JUST FUCK-!"

At that point, the one child still living had the misfortune of making its' presence known.

SLAM! "Reeee!" SLAM! "Reeeee!" SLAM! "Reeeee!"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP, YOU RETARDED FAGGOT! Your dad was right to leave you in the fucking woods so he could fuck bitches in his tent! He should've killed you! How a fucking retard like you ever even understands gender, much less becomes the flaming faggot you are, I'll never know! Now kill yourself or I'll fucking anally rape your mom BEFORE I kill her!"

"REEEE!" SLAM! "REEEEEEE!" SLAM! "REEEEEEEE!" SLAM!

"GODDAMN IT, YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS! Here, let me fucking help you, retard!" SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!

"Yeah! Now you're all fucking dead!"

DING!

And there's mommy now! With glee, Nate reads her text, preparing to send her pictures of what's become of her fucking spawn, when he stops short. It's a screenshot of her hospital papers, and a message:

"Hey baby! Good news! So I recently tested positive for AIDS, and I was so scared! I was so scared I was gonna die from something I didn't know how I got, so scared you were gonna leave me when I'd never cheat on you, cause I love you so much! So I went to an actual hospital this time instead of the Urgent Care clinic, and got a second opinion. I'm clean! It was a false positive! I am SO sorry I didn't tell you, but what if you hated me, or I got it and accidentally passed it on to you and our new baby?! 

That's right, honey. I'm pregnant. This has gone from being the worst couple of  days in my life to being the absolute best! I can't wait for us and the girls -oops! I forgot Aiden is non-binary. We need to respect that. But I just can't wait for all of us to be one big happy family! I'm coming home now, but I just couldn't wait another second. I'm so excited!!!

XOXOXO

Christine

"Well...... fuck." Nate says before he puts a shotgun into his mouth. This was gonna get REALLY awkward if he didn't go through with it. Oh well, she can handle single motherhood.

BANG!

 

 

 

 

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

Uh huh

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

Yep.

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago
Well, I suppose this is the closest I'll ever get to rubbing sandpaper on my eyes. I doubt there'll be anything as soothing as italics in sandpaper though, so I would randomly caps lock some words in Christine's text and throw in some bolded onomatopoeia too.

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

You should've seen the Grimdark compeition some years back. 

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago
Commended by Mizal on 5/4/2024 1:14:40 PM
Unless they were all textured like this, they wouldn't be any worse than this. If you generated monochrome noise in an image editor, lassoed a random part of it (make sure no options for edge smoothing are selected), and gaussian blurred the selection, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between it and this 500-word cheese grater. Just because I'm feeling generous:
  • Caps lock: I don't recall ever reading anything that really needed all-caps words. An exclamation mark or and em-dash followed by an exclamation mark usually does the trick. That said, when caps is used very sparingly, it's tolerable and not as distracting.
  • Bold: The point of using bold is to draw attention and separate it from the rest of the text. By bolding and capitalizing the onomatopoeia, you've drawn attention away from everything else to focus on it.
  • Onomatopoeia: I fucking hate comic-style onomatopoeia in prose. In most, if not all, cases, it's childish and disruptive. You don't need a "Slam!" when somebody slams a door. You don't need a "Smash!" when somebody knocks a vase off a table. You don't need a "Bang!" when somebody fires a gun. And, for the love of God, I never want to see a "SQUIRT, SQUIRT!" or any variation of it in somebody's writing ever again.
  • Italics: In my opinion, this is the only readable part of your... story. If you hadn't italicized Christine's text, I probably wouldn't have read it. Like bold, however, italics is used to emphasize text except it's not as abrasive as bold. It's still something you should use in moderation.

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

If you hadn't italicized Christine's text, I probably wouldn't have read it.

Ironically the italics was the part I skimmed over the most when reading this...as it contrasted with the rest of the story so my brain was like "Its probably not as important".

Your stylization metric is good if your trying to be subtle...this story very clearly wasn't trying to be subtle tho...

Though if you want to get technical with it...the in universe text being italics makes sense...as its a different perspective than the MC.

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago
  1. You're a retard.
  2. When you need capitalized and bolded words to understand something isn't subtle you're a fucking retard.
  3. I'm not even going to bother with the technicality of formatting and style...feels like it would go over your head.

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

1. Not really. I just fucked up a short story due to sleep deprivation and my own lack of understanding about the literary prose I was attempting to use. My bad.

2. To be fair, there are a lot of people that actually do have stuff go above their heads unless it's in capital or bold. Yes, the fact that I wrote in that way definitely shows I lack subtlely, but obtuse and retard aren't entirely the same thing. I feel a retard would lack the ability to read or write.

3. That is why I brought up the idea of using Google, and reading online accurate uses of format and writing style.. 

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago
None of that was directed toward you. Are you using non-threaded view? Edit: You make a valid point in two though.

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

No I just missed Alienrun's reply at first 

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

I'll probably google onomatopoeia and how it's used correctly so that if I ever use it in a story, it's done in the proper format.

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago
Guys it’s just satire right

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

Yes it's just satire. I'm not a complete moron.

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

What inspired you to put these words in this order?

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

Lack of sleep, mostly.

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago
Commended by hetero_malk on 5/4/2024 12:08:47 AM
aggressively unfunny

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

Wasn't meant to be. I've been struggling with insomnia, so I thought writing would put me to sleep. It hasn't worked.

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago
Kind of reminds me of the "edgy" stuff Slasher used to post when he was trying really hard.

(He's a she now.)

Ben's 500-word short story

6 months ago

My standards have dropped so low after the last two weeks of reading essays written by AI that I would probably give you a C- just for being a human who put words together on a page in some fashion.

Ben's 500-word short story

4 months ago

I honestly regret this one...

 

I was on two nights of no sleep smh

Ben's 500-word short story

4 months ago

Didn't seem like you regretted it 5 minutes ago before you edited this post.

Ben's 500-word short story

4 months ago

Yeah. I appreciated the encouragement to write. It's what I DID with it that was kinda shitty. I should have gone to sleep and waited till I was in a better state of mind.

Ben's 500-word short story

4 months ago

In short, I edited the post AFTER I read through the story again and was like... Uhhh. This was not my finest work.