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this is a good story so far im about to publish my first story game called the last fight  and its okay but not great but can you read it and tell me what needs to be fixed and what  i should do

Your storygame was already unpublished. Your post here is a good example as to why. Really you need to focus on learning basic grammar before worrying about the whole writing thing, because right now it's just a waste of time that looks like you didn't put any care into it at all. Anyone will take one look at the first page or even the description and just not bother.

I could not read the story... looks like the preview was turned off?

To provide an example of what Mizal is saying: in your description of the story you change point of view. You start by saying the story is about a 15 year old and his friends, but later say something like “with the help of your friends” So am I the kid? Or am I in a third party perspective?

proofread things out loud if that helps! Things will feel weird to say if the grammar is off. 

Im just going to do a completely different story it is going to be about a 21 year old marine that woke up in the woods in the middle of nowhere and has to find his way out but he is not the only one to wake up there in the woods.Together they hike through the woods faceing untold horrers:hell hounds,and other monsters.They will sometimes come up on some supplies some useful some not,but will they survive?

 

Does that sound intresting or not im not sure people will be intrested what do you think?  

You should make a separate thread for your story, instead of hijacking Chris's thread.

what are you talking about

 

I'm saying if you want to discuss your story, you should create your own thread to do so. This thread is about Chris's fantasy story.

how

 

Go to the Writing Workshop section  of the forums and click on "Post a new message" at the top. 

You are a very patient person.

It's fine, I only broke like three screens talking to this dude.

How old are you?

Also, any relation to a guy named FANG?

16 and no

the link of my story game is on the newbie section called The warrier 

Ok, but is this real life?

tell me what you think please I just started 20 minutes ago

what u mean

 

I mean like real to be of in a dream like how when your doing not is of the next thing

to the man in this story it is in real life

There's no way you're 16.

But regardless please shift ANY brain cells you may possess to learning English in a hurry, or you're just going to wind up being shown the door the moment your posts and PMs cease being a source of general merriment and spectacle.

I'm so confused. You're 16?!

Seto has eaten a *lot* of paint chips since the last time he posted, damn.

On the upside, these papers I have to grade seem positively brilliant now.

It's actually a plant by your class.

Still a step up from Kiel.