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Hello i am a new account and I recently made a storygame (the storygame is unpublished) and i would appreciate if you could comment on it or give me some additional advice in the comments (or here). 

 

 

There's not much to review, but so far it's kind of just a synopsis of Death Note that needs proofreading. Even if its fan fiction, it should still try to contribute something new.

Thank you for the advice I will try to improve it.

I made a few minor experience edits.

@DBNB 

 

Asking for advice I think you you are a great commenter.

Ok, since you asked I will be extra nice in the advice that I give. So here goes:

I am not reading some unfinished slew of sewage crapped out by some random noob and trying to critique it's merits, of which I  am sure there are none. 

But here is the part of advice that might help you to turn it into something at least moderately passable. Looking at the comments it appears that you havent really created anything unique, so write a story YOU want to tell. Even with a fanfic, (as Sherb indicated) you should have unique story elements there. Spend time with it and actually work to create the best story you can. Give it depth, and make sure that you eliminate as many SPAG errors as possible. And make it a complete story, don't make it some piecemeal refuse.

But I tell you what.  If you publish a complete storygame, I promise to read it and comment on it.

Thank you.

What are "experience edits"?

1.Thank you for your review 

2.experience edits is when there is a error in the grammar,writing etc

Why would you want someone to read something you haven't finished even the first draft of yet?

Looking at what you have put in there, Sherb's comment and the one review left on the story are correct in saying that just summarizing the first section of Death Note doesn't add anything to the story. Actually given the grammar and punctuation issues on the three pages provided, you active detract from the the story you are trying to copy.

Parenthetical asides are also more visually distracting than useful in most prose. I notice you seem to have a habit of doing that, but you will find your writing sounds more natural and flows better while reading if you rework the sentence to incorporate the information you felt needed to go into the aside.

The way what you have written reads, it feels very much that you are writing off-the-cuff and then going back and tweaking. Fight the urge to tweak by adding asides. Feel free to rework what you have to include all of the information you feel is needed in a normal speaking pattern. This is harder based on your source material as Light is a supposed to be a weird and off-putting character when you get down to it.

Death Note is a very cool concept, but the story of Light and his Note has already been done really well in a couple different formats. Instead of telling that same story again, change things up. What would it be like if an extremely moral person found the Death Note? How would they be tempted to use it, and when they realize it is immoral to do so, how would they try to protect it from other people taking advantage of it?

Or what would the story be like told from Ryuk or some other shimigami's POV? Explore some aspect of the world that isn't already told in the original story.

You might want to stop writing in italics.

Thank you i will stop writing in italics.

I thought the font matched your character, but that sort of thing can temporarily break the forum home page for everyone.

i also thought so the font matched my character but i mean its okay 👍 

Hate to break it to you, but just summarizing the plot to a thing that already exists is not really writing a story.

With all this information I will gladly make my storygame much more intresting.

 

                               L thinking

Don't do things like that.

huh... things like what... oh the image?

if it is the image okay😊

Good, good.

btw you do know it is L as in the anime series not L in loser

just to clarify because im not weird i dont talk like that

What the fuck are you going on about?

actully sorry nevermind thara

Now it's never mind.

Damn, where have you been? These kids have been crawling all over the forum.

Though of course you gravitate to the one that already has exhibited natural simp qualities.

I'm just here and there.

no fighting okay please thara

New rule \No fighting\

Thats a stupid rule.  Fighting others sharpens your skills and helps demonstrate dominance.  This is CYS not CoG.

Lol look at this kid. You don't make the rules here buddy.

And this is not a chat room by the way. You have created a thread, in a forum, a public place with an existing community with their own preferred way of doing things. You just walked into our house, said hi, and walked past everyone to squat over the litter box in the back of the closet basically.

I said BYE

Are the fighters in the room with us?

Okay but no fighting rule is kinda gone but lets not make this chat into a call of duty mobile chat room please. 🙏 

All I want is only a civilized chat room.

Everyone here seems pretty civilized. What are you talking about?

Good sorry i think i over reacted but thats good i just didn’t want cursing or other stuff 

Yeah. That other stuff is bad.

Agreed 👍 

Bye i have to go 

is it still available to read? it won't let me click on it.

You can access it through his exp page.

Fair warning that the font is pretty painful on the eyes, at least on mobile.

     I looked through this thread. First of all, could you please listen to my suggestion to use the edit post feature? Second, what everyone else has been saying about it's practically nothing so far and is a repeat of an already existing story.

     Also, you may want to build a better reputation before assuming people will be interested in what you have to say, and it has to be interesting. So like, no offense meant or anything but who cares that you didn't mean L for loser?

     And again, you may want to try posting less on the forums.

He may honestly be the dumbest individual I've ever seen here that wasn't just immediately banned for their own good. (Assuming he's at least in middle school anyway, maybe he's like 9 or something though.)

In any case, he's lucky we place a lot of value on wholesomeness here, but he'd be better off just quietly reading storygames and rating awhile. That story is not going to make the cut for minimum standards, he's going to need a couple more years before he's at that level.

When a guy just offhandedly mentions that most of the stories on the site are BAD, it creates certain expectations that he's not going to produce poorly spelled drivel himself, and more importantly that he's going to rate some of those stories and explain why.

You have arrived in your room and turn on the news there has been reportings of a criminal named yul kim so you grab your pen. and as soon as your about to start righting his name you think "in the off chance someone dies, would that make me a murderer?" but you still right his name.

Sir, this is not a righting site.

I always thought it was a reeding site.

Well somebody's got to cut all that papyrus.

guys the thread name is I made a new storygame called death note not badmouthing noobs.

If it makes you feel better, I do think they're badmouthing your new storygame and only noobs (via you) by extension :) Or offering very honest constructive criticism, depends on how you perceive and learn from it.

thank you will11 i think you are a very nice person :3

Clearly you have stumbled into the wrong forum.  Badmouthing noobs is a time honored tradition and helps weed out the whiny retards.

Also, you act like you seem to believe that you have any sort of authority to "make rules" or demand that folks adhere to topics that you choose.  And being fair, badmouthing noobs is at least entertaining, unlike discussing your "storygame".

btw you guys do know you were all once noobs before

i give on making threads...

Hey, I totally get how you feel. If you'd really like to get some revenge on all of these people, you can ascend to modhood instantly by tagging Endmaster three times like this:

@Liminal
@Liminal
@Liminal

Just make sure you replace the Liminal with Endmaster. :) I don't want to do it because I'm perfectly fine as a noob for now.

Just ask Blister and Naz, they can attest that this works!

The issue isn't that you're new, it's that you actually seem to be suffering from a severe mental defect that makes you incapable of learning or improving.

And still haven't rated a game I see.

@endmaster

@endmaster

@endmaster

TWO IN ONE DAY! I WIN! Not sure what I win, but I definitely won it.

pls help endmaster they changed the name of the thread to somthing rlly weird

That's two in less than half an hour, folks!

I wonder if we can make it three.

@tharaapples

help help HELP

They're trying to get you banned... don't tag mods. If you come back to this when you're an adult I can guarantee the pain.

Oh my god

My favorite part is when he called Thara for help.

FUCK YOU

Oh wow, a lot more mean than before.

Fuck you too, mate. Nobody cares about your whiny little ass

I AM BACK

Cool! Don't blow your chances immediately like that...

ok I don't give a FUCK!!!!!!

Wow... guess you're not so nice anymore.

My dude all you had to do was just be chill and not try to control everything. The forums have their own culture. You should assimilate, rather than insisting upon colonizing the forum.

Lol, missed all this.

That's a lot of capital letters from a kid who won't use the Shift key to start a sentence.

Yes. I'm a busy bee.

I don't have time to help.

If we combine all the noobs today I have a full blackout on my bingo card.

How? I don't even know what it means by classic blunder. And when was there a noob with an admin's name?

*Pathetic crying noises.*

I guess the other five got lost

"Pathetic crying noises"? Liminal really broke this one. My advice is just lurk, read story-games (start with the easier ones) and work on your grammar, likeability, originality, punctuation and spelling for a few months / years and then try coming back with a username that has absolutely nothing to do with Death Note and never refer to it again from now until at least 2075. Best I can suggest.

The whole school is crashing out today!

Death Note came out in '06, btw.

It's a bit of a deep cut for a small retarded child to be so into it. 

Bet he's so mad he didn't think of that first.

But the notebook only works for mods anyway!

I lol'd at this.

HAhhahahahahaha. Well played.

If a post could be commended more than once, this one deserves it.