mystery / thriller
, #88 for
Played 1,306 times (finished 131)
"Run through the jungle"
"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"
"Aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.
Based Off A True Story
This story is about moral decisions, short
3 endings, 2 ordinary, 1 secret.
I'm extremely sorry that I have to write this review. I don't mean to offend you, and I'm only writing this because it can help you grow as a writer.
There were many grammatical errors, lack of detail and the story was extremely short. The plot wasn't well developed as it was all over the place, and you certainly didn't develop your character. It was like you were all over the place, and you couldn't stick to ONE idea.
Now I'll point out some of your mistakes. On the first page, you wrote, "You are really tried from walking towards the light, do you want to sit down and sleep a little?" I'm pretty sure that you meant tired, but you were probably fumbling around with the keys and whatnot. Be aware of your mistakes and scan every single page for even a slight mistake. Nothing can be flawless, but you can at least make it decent.
Here's another part which you wrote:
In front of you is a desk with papers on it. You look at the papers
and you read about scandal about a celebrity. You realize that if you release this scandal to the news, you will ruin his life forever, possibly leading him to sucide, but it might promote you for finding a news story like this.
Huge gap between these two, and I'm pretty sure that it is supposed to be one paragraph. You should have fixed that when you were typing up your game.
When I decided to yell at some homeless guy on the street, but he decided to consume me. That isn't really realistic because humans don't decide to consume each other in the open, and it takes some effort from prying a leg away from a person.. You wrote this: "He just bit a part of your leg off. You try and fight him off but you do not have the strength and he eventually eats you." Yeah. Might want to rethink this. Also, a homeless person doesn't have that much strength because of the lack of food. Apparently our protagonist which we are playing as isn't strong enough even though have three meals a day.. Not realistic, and even if you wrote this scene, it required more details.
When I got that Hitler page, I noticed that you don't care about punctuation or spelling. You wrote this: you see the nurse stabbing you repeatly and crying while saying "Für den Führer!"
Uh.. I believe that repeatly is spelt as *repeatedly. Grammarly can aid you in these minor problems, so you should download it. Also, it looks like you just copy and pasted German without changing it into the font which matches the rest. You have to think about presentation as well.
This game lacked many things, and I believe that you really lacked detail. You should have wrote more, then hired a beta-tester to check out your game and what to improve before releasing this game. Poorly written, and if this is what you think "decent" is, I'm not looking forward toward any of your story-games.
on 12/6/2017 7:09:27 PM with a score of 0
Nothing interesting to me. Black and white moral choices for redemption or condemnation. No character development. Le coin de le lawlz earned a 1.
on 6/10/2021 2:41:20 PM with a score of 0
I think this is overrated. Even with a measly 3, this score is too high.
on 6/9/2021 2:04:08 PM with a score of 0
Um... why has this stayed on the site for 8 years? There’s an ending after 1 choice, and the story itself was written very poorly. Not to mention that the plot made no sense. It seemed like 2 bad ideas joined together (the celebrity part and the Hitler part).
on 3/27/2021 10:40:05 PM with a score of 0
on 3/2/2019 12:14:26 PM with a score of 0
I don't write any stories myself so I hate to rate storygames too harshly. But this one just got too many flaws that it needs to be called out. But please don't mistake my intentions for doing so. Just want to help you out on noticing what's wrong so you can avoid doing it for your next storygame. First of all the spelling and typewriting of the game is bad. I'm pretty sure that there are a lot of nice people in forum that you can ask to test out the game for you before you release it. And about the story, it lacks detail, it lacks narration, it lacks a lot. The idea is there, you just need to make everything have sense so that it won't feel too disjointed. I'm pretty sure that you can do better than this and I can definitely assure you that I'll be waiting for more from you and I'm not even being sarcastic. You got the idea, you just need to polish it. Everyone gotta start from somewhere right? Try harder next time and good luck!
on 1/2/2018 8:33:50 AM with a score of 0
Not much to it but okay.
on 1/1/2018 11:48:56 PM with a score of 0
I like what I think you were trying to do, but it felt a little disjointed and confusing. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for or not. Also there were a couple of the item links I found that, when prompted to present them, did nothing. (The pen, the flag when prompted on the actual ending page.) Not the best game, but not terrible. With a few changes it could be really great.
on 11/19/2017 11:59:34 AM with a score of 0
This game was pretty random and didn't make much sense. You probably could have developed a more complete plot. Or, according to the description you have above, if it's about making a series of different moral decisions, you need to make it clear that the decisions are not directly related from one choice to the next.
This probably belongs in the Everything Else category, rather than the Mystery/Puzzle.
Also, please check your grammar and quotation usage. Sometimes it was difficult to tell who was speaking, and this could be especially distracting for the reader.
2/8, mostly for effort.
on 6/8/2017 11:29:25 PM with a score of 0
Spoiler!!!!! I don't care that I died in the story. It was worth it to kill Hitler.
on 1/11/2017 8:28:31 PM with a score of 0
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