Forums » The Lounge » Read Thread

The year is 2125 and the people of Earth still haven't managed to destroy the planet. Disappointing. But due to the effects of global climate change, improperly disposed of radioactive waste, depleted fisheries, over-harvested forests, and idiots tossing trash into the ocean, Earth isn't exactly all sunshine and rainbows. Especially for the filthy non-people from third world shitholes.

But fortunately for you, you don't live a third world shithole! Thanks to scientific breakthroughs and a joint effort by Bald Eagle Enterprises (BEE) and Space Powered Aeronautics (SPA), the technology now exists to ship specially selected humans to develop civilization on one of several habitable planets on the far fringes of the Milky Way Galaxy.

Due to the length of travel, cryo-sleep will be utilized so that lucky space settlers will be able to survive the journey. For logistical and storage purposes, the new civilizations will not have access to full threshold of human technology upon arrival, at least in the terms of available tools. After setup of the initial base camp, readily available tools will be comparable to that found in the Roman Empire. Of course, the knowledge will still exist, and the settlers can begin to redevelop more advanced technological tools over time as planetary resources are acquired.

However, the pre-determined governing structure will place a cap on how advanced technology can be used, to avoid the waste and mistakes of Earth. Technology will be used to make life easier, in regard to manual labor, but entertainment will be attained through the joys of the outdoors.

As a citizen of a non-shithole country, you have the opportunity to apply for a seat license on the shuttle! Do you wish to travel to the new world? If so, please apply, and make your pitch as to why YOU should be granted a personal seat license on the journey to the new world!

You may ask questions for additional information, but they will only be answered if BEE and SPA representatives believe they are not stupid.

We look forward to you applications! Good luck and good day!

I'll put some more thought in this later but for now fuck that, if I'm in a non shithole country and none of the bad things are effecting me much, I'll stay here. You can't take away my computer.

...besides, my actual pitch of 'take me to another planet with, I guess, 1000lbs of books since tablets are out, in order that I might live alone in a cabin in the woods and not interact with anyone' probably wouldn't get me far anyhow.

Well you won’t, overpopulate the new planet, so that’s a plus in your favor.

Organize a cell of malcontents from shithole countries to blow up the ship before it can launch.

Oh, you would not. You'd be applying for cushy desk job as a scribe to commemorate the events while slowly expanding your influence over the oligarchy government leaders in order to shape the new world as it pleases you.

Oh alright fine.

But I'll be spreading rumors of disgruntled malcontents threatening to destroy the ship/way of life to help mold things.

I figured you'd finally just embrace the puppetmaster roll and stage a coup one we arrive. With all of the CYStians inexplicably on the ship you'd already have plenty of loyal minions.

I'd be mostly useless due to my blindness. It'd be quite lonely without computers, too, even if I'd bring a bunch of braille books. I'm better off just staying on Earth, or if the situation is particularly bad, dying. Someone more deserving should get a place on that planet.

That's a horrible pitch!

That's just sad.

Since Maya has already volunteered to sacrifice herself, how many tablets can we realistically hide in her preserved corpse once all the organs are removed?

Technology would eventually be usable for things like reading. But you no longer get to waste electricity looking at 87,000 cat pictures per day on the internet. You are more than welcome to go outside and pet a real cat.

I think it's pretty obvious not a single person on this forum would have any chance whatsoever. I think a better angle is the assumption we all had our seats guaranteed by some kind of lottery and now have to pitch ideas for any remotely useful work we could possibly be assigned to to the nice people who are required by law to begrudgingly provide us seats.

I'm a good cook with quiet nerd hobbies and will not be annoying.

Okay, next person.

That last one would be really important.

I think I'll just stay home.

Where is your sense of adventure!?

Well, I still want to use technology for entertainment.

Notice, I said Earth hadn't been destroyed... yet. You've got three years.

Guess I'm finally getting around to finishing The Witcher.

Oh, that. Actually what happened is I spread a persistent rumor that the Earth would be destroyed in three years, in hopes that a bunch of inconvenient people would start offing themselves. It was a far greater success than I expected! But everything is actually just fine, there's just less oil and more bodies and trash in the water.

:D

Pretty sure we were warned of the dangers of this exact situation by Douglas Adams, with the Golgafrinchams getting killed by a disease spread by an unsanitized telephone.

You're just trying to trick people into staying so there're less applicants to challenge you.

Would it be beneficial to have someone along who can work more hours than there is daylight in a day on next to no sleep for weeks on end? Someone who can turn utter crap into real treasure? Someone who can not only survive with the barest minimum of supplies, but most likely thrive? And could I be considered when assigning the seat next to this person?

Your lack of a pitch was still better than Maya's and Mizal's. So far you're safe.

Fucking hell, I burst out laughing at the end of that. To be fair to the old timer, if I had to pick someone from the site to take to the new planet, I'm sure as shit picking the mountain man who knows how to manufacture tools.

Yeah, got a laugh out of me too. Good effort IAP, but you're going to be doing most of the work on grounds of you're the only one who knows how.

Eh, I'd fancy my odds of survival. I mean, double my odds because I earn over like 2.50 cuid a day. In fact, given almost all the most populous countries are utter shitholes, I'd say my odds shoot up just from that. Take away the fact I'm not disabled with anything from blindness to diabetes, odds go up further. I'm of above-average intelligence and ability, so that'll help me pass out a few scumbags. I'm in pretty much the perfect age for this kind of shit, so I can skip past the middle-aged or old people, as well as the children who we'll have to abandon because they won't do shit. I'm only not suicidal or depressed, and not an asexual, so those will help me get picked. With those criteria, I think the odds are pretty heavily in my favor.

In regards to what I'd personally have to offer, I guess my law knowledge could come in handy. It'll push the scales a bit, if nothing else, since we'll be setting up a society and don't want to bring idiots who'll waste their vote and let assholes take control through manipulating voters. But mainly, I guess, I'm assuming we're going somewhere with a fair bit of water, and that's where my skills will shine. I'll use my sailing and fishing skills to adapt to the oceans of whatever new place we end up on, hunting fish/aquatic worms/particularly large singe-cell organisms/ Cthulhu Babies or whatever's in the water to grant us a foot supply.

Why would we need more feet?

Now here's a man that actually wants to earn a place on the ship!

I’m gonna sell beer and wine from a little stand dedicated to Bacchus. I will also dispense advice of questionable quality.

Can you brew your own supply?

I actually do know how to make wine and also pickles, preserves, and soap. Add that to my lengthy list of skills and accomplishments.

Anyone who knows how to brew alcohol and leaves it off their pitch needs to slap themselves to their senses.

I'm gonna sell Mizal's wine and pickles. Soap is for losers. I will also dispense advice of questionable quality. Might be best to leave me on Earth, tbh.

Wait a minute. I see that the other applicants have been stepping up their game. Ok, fine, I'm a freaking medical doctor!

Will there be in-flight movies (played at super-slow-mo to match my level of stasis)? 

You'll be in cryo-sleep during the trip. If you are selected, you could try to lucid dream. I recommend getting tips from @Azbaz

Will you be making your own lye for your soap? Because I'll be wanting some to make hominy.

First, I hope there is some format of playing recorded music. Considering the area's technology levels, this would be my only possibly qualm with regards to technology. Therefore, what is the current state of "music players"?

Anyway, here's to selling myself. I am young, single, and would like to settle down with someone and have a few little Wibs. I love the outdoors, especially trees that burst into vibrant colors during spring like Redbuds or Cherry Blossems. I hope our new world will have some vibrant colors along with the lush greens.

I have experience in home construction and renovation. I can use a wide variety of tools ranging from hammers and socket wrenches to compound miter saws and nail guns. My education has so far extended to three years and will continue until the time of launch, and my education has heavy amounts of math and teaching courses. (We have to educate the younglings!)

Other experience/abilities includes:
Raising chickens for either laying or eating (or both!) purposes
Tilling, weeding, planting, and harvesting a garden
Playing guitar (music is helpful for morale)
Being able to get along with just about anyone if needed
Having no medical problems or allergies

Wibns made a really good pitch for himself on multiple levels.

As some of you know, I have a crippled left leg so I’m afraid I won’t be of much use.

Here are my skills that do not require walking:
-Screaming into the dead of night
-Playing my flute snazzily
-Composing music
-Making horrible puns
-Sleeping
-Breathing
-Extensive knowledge of world history and cultures
-Extensive knowledge of vaccinations and genetics
-Having synesthesia 

 

Screaming into the dead of night? Mizal's pitch of leaving everyone alone is looking really good compared to this!

I'd say I'm a fairly prime candidate for this otherworldly endeavor. A few reasons follow.

I'm in prime physical condition for my age. My endurance is great, and my strength and speed are nothing to scoff at for a seventeen year old. I haven't tainted my body with drugs, nor have I tainted it with alcohol of any kind, so no addictions for me. And, yes, that includes coffee. I have no health defects, and the only thing that can be counted against me is my need for glasses or contact. Given the year, however, I could definitely get laser eye surgery and have my eyes fixed right up. 

While I am young, I'll be able to pull as much weight as any grown man. My proof is the fact that I spent much of my youth outside working by picking blueberries, tomatoes, peaches, and several other crops in southern Georgia. Aside from experience in farming and growing plants, I've tended chickens from a young age as well. (I have some experience fishing, but my experience lies more in what to do after the food is caught) Since then, I've killed, plucked, gutted, etc. chicken, and I also have experience with doing the same with pig. Despite my knowledge in that area, my main expertise is found after the animal is dead. Essentially, and by myself, I can take a live chicken and turn it into a nice steaming plate of chicken parmesan, chicken stir fry, what have you. Put simply, I'm a good, maybe even great, cook given the right materials. 

I also have extensive experience camping, making fires, and pretty much everything that goes with that. If I wanted to, I could probably fill a backpack up, and go live in the wilderness without help from civilization. I also have experience with guns, and am a fairly decent shot even. Other skills of the same vein include (although perhaps not as useful) archery and the use of blowguns. (blowgunning?) 

Physical attributes aside, my mental capabilities are pretty solid as well. As a young kid (age 5 or 6) I scored perfect on three end of course tests for my elementary school, and thus qualified for the skipping of second grade. Then, at the end of middle school, I applied for a magnet school of which only 60 being were accepted into, and then promptly got accepted into it. From there I excelled in all subjects, but most particularly English/Literature/Writing/etc. Other examples of intelligence, or other skills of the mind include my success in the chess world. My rating being in the 1600's. 

Genetically, I would not only bring a healthy body and mind to the gene pool, but I would also bring above average looks. I'm sure the human race wants a colony of ,at the very least, decent looking people. I would bring that decent up a notch. Socially, I excel. (In person at least) People tend to like me, and I don't think I can think of a single person that actually dislikes me. I can get along with any group pretty well, and will thus not be the start of any social rift among the colonists. 

Those are the basics. I'd, personally, consider my greatest skill to be the ability to learn quickly and readily. A huge example being my ability to write. While, I'm not a god at writing quite yet, I'm getting to be pretty darn good, and in a relatively short time as well. ) In the first year that I started seriously writing, I managed to get a featured spot in the school magazine. Just as a brief example) Should I need to learn a skill, I will do so quickly. 

Thanks for considering me, EbonVasilis

@Digit - Steve, wibn, and Ebon are trying to keep you from getting a seat.

Yeah, tbf picking blueberries gets you fucking swole

I'm Asian so I'd fill up the diversity quota. 

Math wizard. Check.

Genetic diversity? Sure, I can bring that to the game seeing as so many of your candidates seem to be American.

I'm in good shape and big into weight lifting, as well as being accustomed to more practical physical labour (volunteered to do snow clearing, wood chopping, renovation etc. in exchange for a mountain pass to snowboard).

Well rounded in the arts and sciences- I love philosophy, art, and literature, but also have keen interests and extensive knowledge of the sciences and maths- especially chemistry and biology (physics can go die). I have decent medical knowledge in preparation for studying next year at Uni.

My persuasion skills are unparalleled.

I can... write stories for people? That'll be useful in the neo-Roman era, or something. Uh, just take me.

Oh go on, please?

Do you think your physical prowess will allow you to pick blueberries on the new planet? Not taking anything away for your lumberjacking, but that skill will be of the utmost importance.

Fuck, just leave me on earth mate.

@Briar_Rose

If Seedship is anything to go by, half of the cryopods are going to get destroyed on the trip and the AI is going to land everyone on a less than hospitable planet with the rest dying from toxic atmosphere and hostile plant life.

BEE & SPA have much better technology. They have actual acronyms after all.

Looking for feedback:

Do you guys enjoy little pseudo prompts like this? If there's a general interest, I'd be willing to post a new one on a weekly or bi-weekly basis over the summer in the CC. Thoughts?

I definitely enjoy them. In fact, fuck democracy, skip asking people and just do this more often. Without these, I'm not sure what even becomes of the Lounge. It just becomes posts with like three replies about specific shit no one cares about, controversial topics with lots of yelling (my favorite bit) and... I don't know, five or six alts jacking each other off? Yeah, that's it.

Sure, this was fun. Though, our colony is gonna die. Right now, there's just a bunch of dudes and Mizal (who wants to be alone). Except for Steve, we'd all get lonely.

Yeah, this was fun!

Except for the whole "no in-flight movie" thing. Splurge a little next time.

Plus, I'm pretty sure that selling wine and pickles is gonna work just fine in like your next five scenarios. 

I can survive pretty good without a lot of food or sleep.

Basically my only redeeming quality :^)

Oh yeah and my blood is type O-, so I'm an universal donor as well, I guess.

Oh, that’s something I forgot to put in mine. I’m O - as well.

Yay, we can be blood slaves together.

Oh didn’t see this until now, lemme share my special set of skills that put all these other degenerates to shame.

I’m young and still not eighteen, so I of course would make for a excellent breed machine that could pump out generations of the future of the human race.

I’m also a very cultural fellow, having engrossed myself in Japanese mass media and fine arts in which I would be a prime canidate to bring in a new golden age of a new form of anime.

Then However I read that our entertainment will only be cut to the outdoors, and I cried a little inside because I know now what that means.

Ok new plan, I’ll be the person who opens up the first official black market on this new planet that we’ll inhabit.

The first items that I will sell will be body pillows and cat ear tiaras, but then my criminal empire will expand to bring some vocaloids on planet, hell ill even open up a speak easy and have them play there.

Once I amass my wealth’s from the filthy pleasures of man, I’ll become a dictator of my own little third world settlement on planet in which I’ll make everyone call me Oni chan.

But yeah I think I should at least be considered.

Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well.

A man destined to be left behind.

Offering to start up a black market on top of all of that? Yeah, there was no way he was going to be considered, let alone picked.

I think you mean "Onii"

But I mean "Oni" means "demon" so guess that works if you're trying to be clever

But I don't think that's what you're doing

Tim, in your favor, I'm construing your snark as your pitch, and I have to say, it's miles above Digit's pitch.