Comments for featuring:
1. The Dimension of Doors.
Comment: My expectations are certainly low with that introduction. There’s no reason a first story has to be bad at all. And if it is bad, you don’t have to leave it published if you don’t like it. I’m not sure why you would need to practice using links in a published story, either. In fact, if this is just a “practice” story, why not just leave it unpublished and practice away?
It is an interesting start. Apparently I’m a cyclops, which I did not get from the intro, but that’s fine, I don’t mind being a cyclops. The doors are decent, I like that at least in the first option there was a pretty clear choice. There did appear to be a number of different options that led to different paths through the story, and that is always a very nice feature to have in a CYOA story. Some of the endings were a little odd, but that’s fine. Overall this wasn’t a horrible story. It was a bit random, but at least the randomness was mostly tempered with clues around what random things were going to happen. I’d say your test succeeded and you figured out how to write links, I guess.
by Ogre11
2.
Lost Keys.
Comment: This is indeed quite a simple story, but there are certainly some things that can be learned from this story for those looking to write stories here on this site. Yes, this is a simple story, but even a simple story can be expanded and detailed. When people read stories here, they really want to be transported from their current life and into another place and sometimes another time. That’s why people read, in general. So to help them reach that place, rich, detailed descriptions can be included. Something as simple as the first page where you stop for gas could be over 1,000 words of detail. You could add information about the looks of the gas pumps, the dust on the pumps, the spinning of the dials if it is an old pump, or the brand-new digits on the new pump. You could add information about the number of pumps and what other cars might be at the pumps. There could be smells of oil and gas. You could describe the signs in the windows and the current sale on “the coldest beer in town.” Even in very simple instances, there is always more that you can describe and show, and the more detail like that you can include, the more the reader will be transported into the story and out of their boring life.
by Ogre11
3. Worst Day of your Life!!!
Comment: That was, well, something I guess. Two clicks in and it was over for me on the first readthrough. I’m not necessarily opposed to quick deaths, but this one wasn’t even predicted. If you’re going to have a quick end game link, you should probably give the reader some kind of clue that the choice they’re about to take will lead to death. That way they can still choose it, but they might be informed.
Beyond that the story is really, really random. I get that there was a time on this site when the utter randomness stories were favored, but this one really doesn’t even make sense many times. Potential authors today, please take note of this story and do not follow its lead. Many pages are very short and have just enough detail to tell you about the insanity that might be the next page. There is some decent writing in the story, there’s just not really enough story to allow this one to stand on its own.
by Ogre11
4.
Alone in the Forest
Comment: This was a really fun story. When I saw the length, I thought it was going to be the usual couple of lines of facts and a couple choices, mostly leading to end games. However, that was clearly not the case with this story! While there might have been more details and descriptions in many places, this still was a very nice and complete story. There are plenty of options and directions that you can go, so you can play over and over again without getting the same options or endings (though yes, some paths are shorter than others). This is amazing for a story of this length (other authors, take note).
I found a number of different endings, and they were all quite interesting and fun. The writing is good and I quite enjoyed this story. I would love to read more from this author, especially if they were able to continue along in this vein with a bit of a longer story. Thank you for sharing the story with the site!
by Ogre11
5. Make it to the bathroom!
Comment: The setup for this is just hilarious. It doesn’t sound like it will be hard to NOT wet myself, after all, I’m 18 years old, not three. However, it just wasn’t that easy! I tried, I really tried, but I ended up getting detention and peeing all over the janitor my first time through. And my shorts. Yuck! Then I picked up a guy and then peed all over the bus. Oopsie. I kept trying until I finally won, yay me!
This was a neat little story. It had enough excitement to keep me focused on the goal. It could have had more descriptions, but that might have actually taken away from the urgency of, well, needing to pee. The writing is good and there are plenty of options to keep you busy for a bit. This is really a well-written little CYOA, but you might want to stop by the rest room before you read this one…
by Ogre11
6.
Make it to the bathroom!
Comment: Hah! The first game to actually make me laugh on this site. Good job trying to use humor matey!
Sadly, there are some problems on your story.
The first one are the apparent spelling issues. An example of this is shown on this sentence: Due to vandalization your high school has closed all of the bathrooms except for one. Thankfully, there aren't too much of these spelling mistakes.
The second one bugs me quite a lot. You don't use the apostrophe for the words, i'm and don't. Despite being a minor detail, it really bothers some readers a lot.
The last minor problem is the lack of logic. How the heck can you do a pee dance? This really isn't a major problem at all and makes up for it because of the humor.
I decided to save the worst problem for last. This is a problem even the most experienced writers make mistakes about. The problem is... the incorrect use of punctuation for quotation marks. I decided to not let my rating get affected by that because it's really a common mistake.
Overall, this game is slightly more fun than my math homework. 4/8!
by Plelb
7.
You're Fired!
Comment: As others have noted, there are a few different errors in the writing that may just be typos. They take a little away from the story, but not too much. I do like the idea of the story and I really like the options that appear in the story. It might have even worked better if you listed the options in the actual choice links instead of repeating them on the first page.
As this story is clearly quite old, quite a few of the images appear to be broken. The paths were quite short, but that is a feature of the story with lots of options. I did have some fun trying all the different pathways and finding different endings. There certainly were a lot of different choices and ways to go through the story. It maybe could have had some more descriptions in some places, but overall this was a neat, wandering, sort of random quick story. Thank you for sharing it with the site.
by Ogre11
8.
To Make a Sandwich
Comment: That was silly. Why would you be so silly here? No, really, that story was a nice story, it was quite a short story, and it was a bit random, but it was still fun. It can be difficult to pull off a story that is entertaining and random because usually random is…too random? Authors who want to make a random story should read this one and learn a bit about how to make a random story interesting. This story also had good grammar and descriptions and had a quality number of choices, especially for such a short story. And in this story, some of the different paths crossed one another, which also makes it interesting. Because of the number of different paths, readers should indeed play more than once to try out the different directions and see the effects of your choices. This was a lot of fun, thank you for sharing this one with the site!
by Ogre11
9. Kingdom Conquest
Comment: Oh boy, this intro sounds exciting! This is the way to create an intro authors – it is quick, to-the-point, and it makes people want to read the story. The story itself was lots of fun, too. There were lots of options and different ways to take the story. Your choices really did have an effect on the story, and that’s a big key to an effective CYS story. It only took me a few tries to become king and rule for a long, long time, so that was fun. It was also fun seeing the different endings and other ways to NOT end up as king.
There were a few different typos, so as another commenter mentioned, a little editing and proofreading could help, but they didn’t really take too much away from the story. There wasn’t a lot of description, but there was a lot of action and I really felt like I was in the story and that the story really drove me forward with the action – excellent job with the pacing of the story. Overall, this is a really nice story, thank you for sharing it with the site.
by Ogre11
10. Forum Wars
Comment: Great start and introduction to this storygame. I like the descriptions and options on the first page. It might be more fun with updated characters and more characters to choose from, if any current authors are interested in a neat storygame idea. The combat was pretty nice, too, even if it was a little tough to figure out what the actual options were doing in terms of damage to the other guy. It was also a little anticlimactic when I lost – nothing actually seemed to happen and I got the same ending as I did when I won…but perhaps that was the point? Well, actually playing it again, that only happens sometimes…
Based on the numbers that appeared, I’m not sure it’s possible to defeat that last opponent, but seeing as who that last opponent is, I’m not sure you’re even supposed to be able to defeat them. It is a nice game, a little short, especially if you lose in the early rounds, but a nice quick diversion and a good setup for a game. Thank you for sharing this one with the site.
by Ogre11
11.
The Emperor's Zoo
Comment: Okay, I'll admit, this one had me stumped for a bit, but that just made me feel better when I actually made it through.
I like that you let people get off track and don't just immediately stop with a single choice and an 'ooops you lose' ending. You indulge us with our need to go against the grain, though you don't let us get too far with it.
The writing itself was cute and clever. The descriptions were full enough without going over board, and I found the game rather well paced. However, it lacks depth and most choices are really illusions since it seems (and I could have missed something) that there's really only one route to victory.
All in all, it was enjoyable.
by Mynoris
12.
The Emperor's Zoo
Comment: Yay! I did it!
I was stuck FOREVER on trying to communicate with the witch doctor. The only reason I don't feel bad is because so was everyone else I talked to lol.
I'm always a fan of these IF style games and this one had a pretty large map to explore. I did sort of expect the puzzles to focus more on capturing the animal itself however. Once I finally figured out how to get past the witch doctor I went and got the healing water and the game was as good as over. With any other entry I'd expect meeting Nessie to be the point you ran out of time, but then again you did publish a full week before the deadline...
by mizal
13.
The Emperor's Zoo
Comment: became a puzzle game. There was definitely some thinking involved, especially with the feuding tribesmen's problem. There are a couple link issues, such as the shop selling you water again if you try to buy food after you've used the first one, but none of them are game-breakers. I really like that besides quitting or dying, there are also endings you can achieve by pursuing one of the other careers. Since the game turned out to be a puzzle game, it's fairly linear other than those two alternate endings, but it's still fun and very well written. I hope you might consider making a sequel to this one day, without the time constraint of a contest, and expand with your initial thoughts of a branching story with different possible animals you could end up bringing back based on your choices. But I applaud the work you did for this one and enjoyed it very much. 6/8
by Glandros
14.
The Mountain Pass
Comment: LOL! Bad ending #3 is just... very educational! =D
"These hikers found the remains of a person and from what the Sheriff's department has been able to piece together, the person may have stumbled into the cave of a hibernating bear in the winter some years ago. While most people assume that hibernating bears are safe, the Ranger's office informs this news station that when hibernating bears are disturbed, they can be very angry, confused, and dangerous. It appears that the person may have tried to enter the cave, the bear woke up, and quickly killed the person. Rangers explain it may have eaten some of the person, then gone back to sleep, only to have a ready-made feast waiting for it in the Spring."
by TestingJest
15.
The Mountain Pass
Comment: It's pretty, um...
I did not get really immersed in this story. That being said, this is a storyGAME, and that's how they work.
I liked the number of choices, I liked how you chose to break the fourth wall, but the thing that kept me from leaving a higher rating was the fact that this is more game than story affected my experience more than it should. Coulda added a little background to my "unknown man protagonist" to make me sympathize more when he *SPOILER* gets chomped by a bear, crushed by a plow, etc.*END SPOILER*
Not the worst, but could have been bettter. 5/8.
by AgentX
16.
The Quick Dating Game
Comment: Word of wisdom: This is way more fun if you give everyone different voices and read it out loud. Sure, you may sound wacky, but I was laughing hysterically at the jokes in the story but also at myself so win/win.
Bachelor #3 needs some more interesting answers though. Ogre11 can clearly write successful comedic one-liners so (and I don't actually know what the max when making a storygame) some longer descriptions of B#3's answers would make it more entertaining than it already was.
by kcding
17.
The Great Jungle Escape
Comment: This is a great start. There’ s a good setup and a nice first page. I like the descriptions and the detail at the start. It gets a bit briefer as the story goes on, though. I do like that there are options. While some might lead to a quick death, the others do seem to have a nice effect on the story. The reader certainly feels like they are in control of the game and that their choice makes a difference in the story.
It was odd at the point where I was asked to select fish or crocodile because the next page was the same no matter what I picked and instead the story told me to decide what I had picked. I’m not sure what the point of that was, especially after so many good choices and options. Then the story sort of ended rather suddenly. It was a decent story, but could have used a little more development and perhaps and ending that equaled the rest of the story in quality.
by Ogre11
18.
Adventures in the Sahel
Comment: This one sounds exciting, but not exciting at the same time. The lead-in for the story makes it sound like it will be a good story. But then the line about needing to do this for school, well, that really takes away from the expectations of the story. A tip for authors: if your story is so bad that you have to give people warnings on the main page before they read the story, just don’t publish the darn story. Leave it in sneak peek mode and give the link to those you want to read it. Wait until you don’t have to give that warning before you bother publishing and things will go well for you, the author, and the readers of your story!
The story itself was quite short and lacking detail. There were a number of pretty random ends. I can appreciate that you might die when stranded in a desert, but still. Also, I think every single page could have used a bit more detail. After all, we’re in a desert. I think every page could emphasize that we’re in the desert. We could read about the heat, the beating sun, the dust, the sand, walking through the sand, feeling the heat on our backs, and so on. There’s many, many ways that this could be expanded to really bring the reader further into the story.
I hope the story served the purpose for your class. I guess it could work as a simple exposition. But as a story it certainly leaves a bit to be desired.
by Ogre11
19. I'm going out
Comment: This is a nice setup for a story and a good first page. It helps set the tone for the story and helps the reader get into the story, at least a little bit. From there, it kind of goes downhill. The pages beyond the first page all feel very short. There are very few details on each page. There are few descriptions. The author could add a lot more details for each location: look to engage all five senses when you’re writing a story. Look for ways to describe everything the main character sees, feels, and hears. If you, as the author, can put yourself in the story, then you can help put the reader in the story – and that’s why many people read stories, to experience something else in another place.
The story itself is also quite short. I can appreciate the different options, paths, and different endings. I did have fun exploring and finding lots of different endings, which is really good for a CYOA story. But each page leading to those endings was quite short. This could be a lot more of a story with a bit more effort and just more description on each page. The story could likely be expanded by 10x the word count simply by writing more on each of the pages that already exist.
by Ogre11
20.
The Lemonade Business 2
Comment: The story was very boring. The spelling, (no offense) was awful and you didn't really need to include damn or crap in there since it had no place.
The plot of the story was really strange. I didn't quite like it that much. This could be WAY better if you had installed Grammarly on your laptop, and if you had actually EDITED your work.
I don't understand how artificial cow urine, unicorn shit, and chicken-blood can make a goo- I mean EDIBLE tasting lemonade?
I'm also guessing that you had meant to make this game comedic, but it didn't make me chuckle because I was noticed the misspelled words, and this game also made me question your sanity.
Please work on this game, and next time in the future MegLuvMTrench, please spell *customers correctly. It isn't costumes.
by DiniTheWizard
21. The Day
Comment: I don’t know what’s happening. I mean sure, you describe it well without spelling or grammar errors, but what is actually going on? On the first page you talk about being outside, break the fourth wall, find a closet outside, and then a disembodied hand turns into a walrus that terrifies you, but you do nothing like run away or anything. There’s random stories and there’s completely utterly random sentences that have been slapped together without any apparent reason. I mean this starts out making as much sense as writing about you swimming and then a wizard zaps you with his wand from his tower that was in the desert behind your refrigerator. At some point you really need to have some basis in consistency so the reader has some clue about what to expect. After all, on the first page, I’m expecting any link I click to lead to me walking underneath the sink while meteors fall on me from a banana tree.
The whole story continues on this way. I’m not really sure of the point of this story or honestly why you bothered to write it. It really appears to just be completely random sentences slapped together for some reason. Was this randomly generated by a computer application written by monkeys? I guess it was a nice try, but seriously, there is a limit to randomness.
by Ogre11
