So, I've been going through a massive dry spell when it comes to writing. Since I got ill I've found it a struggle to write anything at all, and whatever I do write, I always end up second guessing myself and have to start over again.
Well... No more! I've discovered an app where you can publish the absolute greatest fictional attrocities of all time! I mean these things are pure, unadulterated, 100% cheesy romance fluff! They make Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey look like masterpieces. (And, for some reason, they seem to have a massive boner for werewolves, but whatever does it for you.)
Well, they're hosting a competition that I'm hoping is going to break my year long writer's block. Instead of putting off writing because I'm worried I'm going to write shit... I actually HAVE to write shit! And I have to write a lot of shit and really fast. (The deadline is October 30th, which gives me less than a month to write at least 30,000 words.)
So, if I'm going to succeed in this absolutely epic undertaking, I need your help! This story has got to be the crappiest, cheesiest, most vomit enducing piece of mom porn you can possibly imagine, so each day, I will be coming up with a new task for you all to help me make this story as shitty as it can possibly be!
So, first things first, we need to tick off every terrible romance cliche in the book!
Here's a few I thought of in advance:
1. The world's most beautiful plain girl
The female protagonist is just your average, plain teenage girl. With her slender figure, enormous breasts, perfect perky bum, long, flowing blonde hair, ruby red lips and enormous blue eyes that shine like saphires, no boy would ever notice her. She really can't understand why the most popular guy in school suddenly asked her to the prom. It has to be a joke, right? I mean, no way could he seriously be intested in her! She's just so plain!
2. Tale as old as stockholm syndrome
Can you believe that bastard actually kidnapped you? This is fucking terrifying! You've been locked up in his mansion for months now, only allowed outside for sunbathing and shopping sprees. Your parents must be worried sick! In fact, by now, they probably think you're dead. You have to get out of here! ... But your kidnapper is just so dreamy! He's so tall and handsome, and he keeps buying you expensive gifts. And, to be fair, he did say he was sorry for kidnapping you. You see, he had to do it for nonsensical plot related reasons. And he's so much nicer than your no good cheating ex. Mabye getting kidnapped by a billionaire isn't so bad after all!
3. The way better third wheel
Every cheesy romance needs a good love triangle. But to be a truely accurate, cheesy romance novel love triangle, the third wheel has to be the nicest, kindest, sweetest, most considerate guy in the world. Someone who would be FAR better for the female protagonist than the hot and cold bad boy she's obsessed with... But of course, in the end, she'll still marry the hot and cold bad boy, because... You know... He's super hot! (And/or super rich)
4. Selfish, bitchy angel
The female protagonist is a lovely girl. So sweet and unassuming. The kind of guy any boy would want to bring home to his mother. The heroine we're all supposed to root for... And yet, somehow, also the world's biggest cunt. She's a bitch to her parents. She treats her friends like crap. She plays her love interests against each other. Hell, she'd happily cheat on her boyfriend and not even feel bad about it the next day. And yet, somehow, this girl is the heroine of our story! Lucky us. :p
5. Violence is romantic
Some guy looked at the female protagonist the wrong way? LOVE INTEREST SMASH!!! Never fear, gentle readers. Our hero will defend the fair maiden's honour by punching the living shit out of any man who touches, flirts, or so much as smiles at our poor, defenceless heroine. And how will the protagonist react to her childhood best friend being sent to the hospital with a broken nose? "... Oh! Love interest is so protective!!!" <3
... And that's all I can think of so far. Please, help me write the shittiest story of all time by giving me a whole bunch of terrible romance cliches! I'm counting on you! ^_^