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Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Normally I'd try to do some kind of entertaining writeup here before unleashing the entries. But it's been a long week, and if we're being completely honest here, do any of these stories really deserve that kind of fanfare? Well, the voters can rate them on a scale of Fanfare Deserved while they're at it I guess, if anyone really wants to answer that question. As you may notice there are actually three stories, well that's because one of our Secret Duellers was asked to produce something at the last minute when it looked like one or both of the original duellists might not show up. Anyhow, lets get right to the stories. All of these I'm sure will entertain on some level. (Just perhaps not all of them for the reasons intended by the authors.)

Mizal

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Story A: Untitled Going to other planets - Sage thought - wasn’t as daunting as it seemed. She had been to the Moon two times now, to Mars thrice before, and even to one of Mars’s moons, and now she was making her way to a small, newly established settlement on Venus. The planet had been Earth’s newest conquer – with its inhabitants landing no less than seventy years after the third World War; The World War that had decimated half of Earth’s livable land and sparked the insurgence of research into Space technology. When the first bombs dropped syndicates, governments and billionaires scrambled onto spaceships and into Earth’s atmosphere. With effectively half the population gone, there was little to stop the resurgence of communist groups and terrorist organizations taking hold of the newly formed venture into Space’s outreaches. No, the potential danger of being on a newly established planet with its technology still being tested scared her less than the fleet command of officers escorting her to their lieutenant colonel’s room. As Sage walked on through the facility, she took the time to memorize her surroundings. She noticed that the sleek steel gray walls of the facility bore a stark contrast when compared to the dusty yellow surface of Venus. The blaring heat had made the glass windows and steel walls untouchable, save it be for when maintenance workers toiled away with gloved hands. The only reason her feet weren’t burning from impact with the ground was that she was given a pair of heat resistant shoes upon entering the building. New technology had made Venus’s heat lower, but not bearable. She was essentially cooking in her thick clothing, but the fact that she had not spontaneously combusted was already a feat to be admired. As she wiped sweat from her brow, she eyed and envied her escort’s space suits. Her guards' attire was made with Killa-Freeze built in - the newest anti-heat system in space exploration technology – while she stood in her black turtleneck, lab coat layered over. The journey from the cold space vessel to fiery Venus’s only military outpost was a harsh transition, and she didn’t have any time to change. Her escorts slowed to stop, and she cast her eyes upon the imposing structure before her. The vault doors opened to reveal a large bulky man behind a desk, standing at no less than 6’3”. The insignia upon his hat flickered in the light: USSR Space Corps. This was not a man to be trifled with - at least, not easily. “Sage!” the man exclaimed upon seeing her. “I so glad you could make it!” He opened his arms wide and gestured for her to come in for a hug. As she embraced him, she hoped that he wouldn’t notice her nervous shaking. Sage hadn’t seen this man in seven months. “I’ve missed you.” he exhaled with a smile, crinkles gracing his eyes. He brought a large hand up to her cheek and rubbed at the skin with his thumb, making her smile. “How have you been? How was your journey on the Reventure? I hope you made it here without trouble?” “It was fine, Pietro, your...” she turned her head to eye the soldiers standing guard at the door, “companions escorted me without difficulty.” “Good, good. And how was the Reventure?” he posed the question again. “It was good. We made a lot of new discoveries, some of which are guaranteed to help your cause. For example, one of the scientists on the Reventure managed to-” “Now hold yourself for a second, let’s talk about this later. I know you’re probably hungry from the long trip. Come, head into the dining hall with me; We can talk over dinner. I’ve been longing to hear your voice all day.” Later that night, Pietro escorted Sage to his room for a night of moonlit debauchery. This wouldn’t be the first time Sage would knock boots with Pietro; they had assumed a schedule like this not long after they had gotten together. Both of their jobs were demanding and irregular so they had to seize the rare moments they could find together. In fact, they had been lovers for some time now, but that spark and whimsy of that first night never faded. No, this wouldn’t be the first time they would have sex, but it might be the last. “You can go ahead and get into the shower first,” Sage offered, trying not to let her voice waver. Her success tonight depended upon this one action; her next chance would be in who knows how long. She tucked her hair out her eyes and took her phone from her coat pocket, trying to look disinterested and momentarily distract herself so her nerves would calm down. “Okay,” Pietro yawned then smiled at her warmly before heading into the bathroom. Sage’s guilt gnawed away at her heart. She didn’t really want to do this, but she had to know for herself. Sage waited until she could hear the water running to jump into action. She explored his room, searching under the bed and through the drawers to find anything of interest. She paused when she noticed an opened pack of smokes and a lighter tucked in between his mattress and his boxspring. He had told her he had quit years ago; what else could he have been lying about? Finally, to her dismay, she had found what she was looking for. A short glass syringe, tucked away inside a foam padding in a box under Pietro’s bed. She flicked the glass tube of the syringe and watched the liquid jiggle. The substance inside was capable of turning anyone into a mindless blob, their mind torn apart by their need for flesh and blood. It was a prototype for a new bio-weapon, one that harnessed the cells of the voracious fungi that roamed throughout Venus. She didn’t want to believe it existed. The idea of this new bio-weapon had been whispered about for years between her colleagues; to think the man she had relationships with was keeping something this important from her. With a heavy heart, Sage knew she couldn’t turn a blind eye to this discovery. She had to do something. Quickly, she took out her phone and snapped a photo of it. Just in time, too, she could hear the water in the bathroom turn off. Swiftly, she put the syringe back in its place and assumed her position on the bed, phone back in hand. “You could’ve joined me, you know...” Pietro walks out of the bathroom with a lazy smile, his hand holding up the bath towel wrapped around his hips. “But then I would’ve missed these cute photos of kittens playing with each other that you sent me.” Sage holds up her phone so he can see, and he laughs heartily. She lets her phone drop and leans backwards onto the bed, letting her lab coat’s sleeve fall down her shoulder and slitting her eyes. As she watched Pietro saunter over to her, her mind drifted to the syringe that lay under the bed but quickly vanished from her mind when Pietro leaned in for a tender kiss. Sage indulges him, bringing her free hand up to settle on the scruff of his newly washed beard. She decided she would send the photos damning Pietro later; tonight, she wanted to enjoy herself. After all, this might be the last time she sees him.

Mizal

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Story B: Un Hombre Malo "Carlos, do you ever wonder why they send us out here in chrome plated armor to fight in a jungle? Seems like we could do twice the job in brown or green fatigues." "Sure, but like this, we look like mean hombres. Most of the battle is fought en su mente. Entiendes?" Carl sighed. "I guess so. I'm not sure these psychopaths are going to be impressed by some flashy armor though." As if to confirm what he had just said, one of the colonists stepped out from his clay hovel and took a shot at Carlos, the small caliber round pinging off his skull-like helmet. "Down with the capitalist swine in the empire!" Rang out horse from his traitorous throat. Before Carl could react to the attack on his companion, a rather tall fungal growth inside a fenced enclosure suddenly snatched the colonist with tendrils and pulled his inside. "Quémalo! Quémalo todo!" Carlos yelled, shouldering his gun and laying down covering fire toward the village and fungal crops. Carl shouldered the large laser projector and began shining the intense beam on any structure or biotic mass that looked like it could burn. Carl grinned watching the man eating fungus burst into flame as he swept his laser projector across the accursed landscape. How far had these colonists fallen since their separation from the mother planet if they were raising these xenobiological abominations for food? Out from the flames came a robes figure. A deep hood obscured his features, but as he spoke, the utter hate in his voice could not be disguised. "So, the empire of thieves and whores has come to visit destruction on her more righteous children. Did your bureaucrats miss their tax payments?" Carl turned to his partner. "Carlos, waste him." Carlos raised his plasma rifle to his shoulder without hesitation and fired a burst at the strange cultist. "Come plomo, pinche pendejo!" The cultist back flipped out of the way and threw back his hood. "You've made a mistake. Your sins against nature have returned to haunt you." He raised a forefinger to his temple, lifting the curtain of black greasy hair to reveal a pulsating fungal lump firmly attached to his skull. "Ten cuidado!" Carlos called out as Carl drew the wicked vibro sword from his belt and began sprinting at the cultist. As Carl came closer, his head throbbed violently in time with the grayish purple mass on the cultist's head. His sprint became a laborious trudge forward, his limbs grew heavy and he could feel a trickle of blood beginning to run out of his nose. Carl began firing round after round at the strange man. While the hooded man performed strenuous acrobatics in order to avoiding getting filled with a hail of bullets, he somehow found the time and breath to continue his tirade. "The hubris of humanity reaches its zenith in the soldier. Blind to the spiritual and natural side, you fight simply flesh against flesh, believing that humanity is both the greatest hero and villain. How blind you are! The fungus has told me all. In the eyes of eternity, we are but dust." Carl coughed, spitting a wad of phlegm and blood which ran down his neck inside the helmet. "One dust mote to another, can't you just shut up and die?" The cultist laughed. "My friend," he said, tapping the growth on the side of his head, "lets me see glimpses of the future. That's how I'm avoiding your attacks." "Let me know," Carl huffed "if your friend saw this." He lobbed a "skull-shaker" Sonic grenade. The blast of sound that shredded the still air of the fungal jungle sent the zealot to his knees, clutching his head in paroxysmal agony. Now that the tables were sufficiently turned, Carl stood to his feet and strode the rest of the way, finally thankful for his helmet and it's filtered audio. "Well bozo, looks like It's the end of the jihad for you and yours." With all the vindictive rage in his heart, he swung the sword down heavily on the crown of the cultist's head, feeling it crack and smash. The red and dull pinky-grey slop that spilled out onto Carl's shoes didn't bother him a bit. Feeling victorious, he took off his helmet and turned to Carlos. His stomach dropped as he saw what was in his hand... another sonic grenade. Carl instinctively reached for his side arm. "Keep your hands away from your pistol cabròn. No estoy jugando." "Calm down Carlos. What's your deal?" "I need that little fungus on the side of his head?" "What!?" "It's power, man. Con eso, I would be unstoppable. Un Dios entre los hombres. He was untrained and put up a fight against us, the empire's best. Imagine if I had it in my hands" Carl looked at Carlos incredulous. "How are you going to turn your back on your planet and your friend because you want to stick an ugly Xeno tumor on the side of your head." "En realidad, era facil." Carlos said, hurling the grenade at Carl. Carl sunk to his knees as a symphony of discordant torment was unleashed on his ears. He screamed, though his screams did not reach his ears, and at the end of that moment (an eternity in itself) the bullet bit his brain.

Mizal

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Story C: I Already Hate My Story, but I Hate All My Writing. Here It Is I Guess. All 868 Words Of It. “Once upon a time, there was a powerful duo, two brothers in all but blood. They had a large sum of money from their younger days, and they wanted to create a new nation, one better and purer than the filth of the mega-cities and crime-filled outer planets. They gathered lots of people and spent trillions on getting people to their new utopia. And that is where you come in. You have been chosen to be a part of their vision. But, the brothers had a problem. They didn’t know what the best way to create peace was. Say the name to hear each brother's speech.” You think for a moment, and then decide you want to hear Fidel’s speech first. “Fidel,” you say, and the screen in front of you lights up, revealing a large hairy man, extremely tan. He wears a camo military uniform and a beret, smoking a really big cigar. Like seriously, just buy two at that point. He begins to speak, with a deep booming voice and a heavy Cuban accent. “I am Fidel Markus, and I'm here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? 'No!' says the man in Mars City, 'It belongs to the poor.' 'No!' says the man in the Vatican, 'It belongs to God.' 'No!' says the man in Civitas, 'It belongs to everyone.' I reject that; instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... Colombia, a city where the artist would not fear the censor, where the scientist would not be bound by morality, Where the strong would not be constrained by the weak! And with the sweat of your brow, Colombia can become your city as well.” You watch him speak, and he seems confident and strong. You want to pick him, but you go ahead and check the other option. “Andrew,” you call out to the elevator. You see a skinny white man in a suit, his nose and face scrunched tightly to the middle. He has mousy brown hair and blue eyes, but something about him projects power, and not good power either. He speaks powerfully with no noticeable accent. “My name is Andrew Ryan, and I’ve come to convince you to join me in my regime. Why should one person have more food than they ever could want, but another is starving as he watches the other. Why, should a man who works day and night in a mine make half as much money as a CEO drinking martinis in some in some building in the middle of a city? It’s not fair, is it? That’s why I, have decided we will all share. I will place everyone in the role best suited for them, and together we will thrive. So, choose Civitas, and together we will stand strong.” You mull over his words, you like what he’s saying about everyone equal, but you also like keeping what you work for. You’re still thinking as the elevator stops, and you see a tall man in a suit standing there. “Hey Jahseh, haven’t seen you in forever.” you say. “Haven’t seen you in a while either lil bro, have a good flight?” Jahseh asks. “Yeah it was good, they have nice cruisers, couldn’t even tell when we hit a wormhole.” “Well I’m glad, here, come with me, I wanna catch up with you in my room, you can register later.” “Lead the way.” He begins walking purposefully, heading through the gates of Colombia. You look around, and it almost perfectly resembles Havana, or what you’ve seen from the old videos and pictures. Right now it looks like a crater. It’s beautiful with clear blue water and a mix of rustic and new looking buildings. He leads you to a building that you assume is an apartment complex, and you take an elevator to the top. You walk down to room 705, and Jahseh opens the door for you. You walk in and see a meticulously clean apartment with a more modern look to it than the rest of the town. You sit down at the dining room table and he pours you both a glass of Krogonian whiskey, and you begin catching up, talking about what’s happened since you last saw each other, but then you hear a loud knock at the door, and Jaseh tells you to wait there for a moment. You hear the door open and close again, and hear him walking down the hall. You want to get up, but you think better of it, and sit for another hour, and he returns, looking disheveled. “What happened?” You ask, concerned. He grabs his glass of whiskey and downs the thing in one gulp. He begins telling you the story. “You know how the two brothers who run this place have vastly different ideologies? Well I’m a middle man, advising them both. But they began fighting. I managed to calm them down but their lieutenant went on the warpath, guns blazing. Lot’s of civilian casualties. I had to hunt and kill every one of the bastards. Well, it’s over now. Or it is for now. Anyways, how have you been?”

Mizal

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Vote here.

Mizal

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Oh, and voting will run until Wednesday in the evening sometime.

If anybody else feels like dueling, get that arranged with your target and let me know by then.

DBNB

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Commended by Mizal on 5/20/2024 6:24:31 AM

I read the title of story C and have decided to hate it too. No need to read more

Story A bored me after a couple paragraphs

Story B made good use of dialogue and is the only acceptable choice .

Vote is for Story B.

PerforatedPenguin

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Commended by Mizal on 5/20/2024 6:24:40 AM

It came down to A vs B for me, and I think I choose story B.

Among other reasons already stated, I enjoyed B's rough, fast-paced feel, and A's tension and characterization.

We don't talk about C.

MiltonManThing

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Commended by Mizal on 5/20/2024 6:24:50 AM

I cast my vote for Story B.

I like the action and dialogue. Most importantly, out of the group it makes the best use of its short length by getting to the point and only spending as much time in worldbuilding as it is relevant to the characters in the scene.

WizzyCat

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Commended by Mizal on 5/17/2024 5:17:40 PM

My vote goes to story B.

Story A:

This one was solid. I don't like the whole concept of a Venus colony, and I think the overwhelming heat should have a little more emphasis in the story. For example, Pietro gets out of the shower, presumably barefoot, so shouldn't his feet be burning? Do they have heat-resistant flip flops too? Overall, I think that the prose was pretty good, although there were some awkward sentences, like "A short glass syringe, tucked away inside a foam padding in a box under Pietro’s bed" could be condensed to "A short glass syringe, tucked away inside a foam padded box underneath the bed". Also, two people have relations together, not relationships. In the end, I noticed most of the required elements, but there's no sentient planet (although it would've been really sick if it was implied that Venus is alive), treehugger, or humanitarian. Also, it's debatable if the fungus is psionic weaponry or not. Some fanfare is deserved, however, because it's a complete entry that fulfills almost all of the requirements.

Story B:

I enjoyed this story, although naming the two characters Carl and Carlos is atrocious for reading comprehension. You do differentiate them via dialogue--a good detail which I actually enjoyed--but it still fucking hurts my head, especially because it was completely unnecessary. This story jumps right in, showing us an unforgiving alien planet (giving me some Deathworld vibes) that requires the Helldivers laser cannon, and colonists at odds with their government. Then, we get the zealot, alongside the psionic weaponry (which is also the fungus, cool!). It's terrifying that the fungus gives people future sight and backflip powers; thankfully, the main characters have a laser cannon! Oh wait, it's forgotten about after it's used on the village and the fungus. This story also had some typos and awkward phrases, such as "With all the vindictive rage in his heart, he swung the sword down heavily on the crown of the cultist's head, feeling it crack and smash". The second clause is oddly phrased to my mind, and a head shouldn't be cracked and smashed by a sword, but rather chopped. Weird imagery. Otherwise, I did enjoy the majority of the prose, and I think it contains the most necessary elements (missing only humanitarian and unethical scientist by my interpretation). Fanfare might be warranted for the best story of the three.

Story C:

Story C falls into the pitfall of telling, not showing. We get a paragraph of exposition (in the form of summarizing this planet [not sentinet either]), followed by more paragraphs of exposition (in the form of summarizing characters that we don't even meet), followed by a brief dialogue that leads into a vague summary of a conversation (instead of the actual conversation, which the readers don't know the contents of). Then, we finally arrive at the meat of the story: something crazy is going down, and our character is caught right in the middle. Now, he has to help his brother solve this civil war... wait, you summarized that part too?! I was finally enticed by something in the story, and it just ends. There's plenty of the necessary elements included, but the story doesn 't hold up unfortunately.

This story really needed to put those additional 1132 words to use, but at least it got submitted, I guess. World's smallest violin can be the fanfare here.

Overall, I enjoyed the first two stories, but B develops faster, is a little more dynamic, and containins a few more of the required motifs, so I think it comes out on top. C is begging to be rewritten, because the idea could definitely go places with more development.

Mizal

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

They were only required to pick a minimum number of the elements listed, but I was curious who'd end up going for the most too.

WizzyCat

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

This made me realize that I completely missed the "at least two of" in your initial post, but it's interesting how the story which included the most was also my favorite.

DireRyse

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Commended by Mizal on 5/20/2024 6:25:03 AM

The best choice is Story B.

Story A: The world building was nice, but I think those words would have been better used to conclude the story. Also don't know why a bio-weapon would just be under someone's bed and not even locked up at all.

Story B: Pacing was good. With the word limit, I think it gave a great balance of world building and delivering a good story. Out of all 3 of the stories, it felt the most complete.

Story C: Like the other's have said, just going off the title puts me off immediately. Whoever wrote it needs to have just a bit of confidence in their writing. I went into the story already knowing that the author doesn't like it and doesn't care. It doesn't feel complete. There really isn't even a story there. Nothing happens. We learn about 2 brothers and meet some other dude and thats it.

Darius_Conwright

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Commended by Mizal on 5/19/2024 7:04:12 AM

I vote for B.

Not because B was a masterpiece, but because the other two were worse. I'll edit it later to include my rant about each of them.

Story A

I think all the stories suffer a bit under the weight of authors not often writing in the scifi genre, but story A did have the most struggle in dispensing the world building to the readers in a natural way. Well, basically story starts immediately with a big infodump after one small paragraph, which was actually very unnecessary. (The first and third paragraphs give the readers enough clues that they could kinda guess that it is a new colony)

It took me a till almost the ending of the story to even guess what the plot of should be, even though this info should have been in the first paragraphs. (For example, the existence of the bioweapon, it being lost and her relationship with Pietro could have been mentioned in the beginning of the story. She could've set some pictures of cats during her journey and lamented to him that they still haven't recovered the bioweapon.)

Then we have some environment description which were actually well written, especially when you incorporate it with comments that tell us more about who sage is. "The lab coat, she didn't have time to change etc." However, ehh, what is Sage's job exactly? What is Pietro's job? Why did Pietro keep it out in the open in the room? Is he an idiot?

Story B
I think it's a fun pulpy story. I like that the monsters are fungi thingies and that they were fighting in a jungle (nice change from all the desert planets). Whilst I don't mind the story, I just think the writing has some small kinks. The sentences did feel a bit disjointed, very staccato like. There were times where I just was wondering why you couldn't just use "he" in some paragraphs instead of spamming Carl everywhere. (Paragraph 7 and 8 for example)
I also don't feel that you took advantage of the jungle setting enough. I expected them complaining about the lack of visibility, the humid weather making it difficult to breathe, the shitty plants tangling on your shirt, lots of sweat etc.
And again, a whole action story with the protagonist ending up dead is a bit sad.

Story C
You should be your greatest advocate of your writing, because no one else is gonna do it for you. This warning in the beginning of your story is just kinda weak of ya.

urnam0

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Story B.

Ogre11

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Commended by Mizal on 5/19/2024 7:04:49 AM

Story A:

You know, the title really did draw me in. I mean, with that title, this story could go in all sorts of directions. I’m prepared to really jump right in, and I’m anxious about seeing where this will go. I didn’t read the directions, so no part of the story will be expected. Man, I’m already giving this story extra points in this Thunderdome contest.

Well, that didn’t last long. I had to re-read the first two phrases because that was just an odd way to do that. Why interrupt the thought by telling us who was thinking? Sure, it’s a style, and sure, it can work, I’m just not sure it can work as the very first part of a story. And “daunting?” She’s been 6 times, so this is old hat now, not daunting. Oh, and *Mars’

And yes, I’m confused by the second paragraph. The first part of the first sentence has “the planet” as the subject. The second part talks about “its inhabitants” that landed there seventy years after WWIII. So, near as I can tell, some people left the earth 70 years after WWIII, but then some time later, earth conquered those people. I’m going with that. Even though the next part talks about those inhabitants being billionaires with all the technology who were conquered by the communist barbarian hordes. Sounds fun, I guess. But hey, she peed herself when the big guys came for her (I guess she was just hanging around on the ship and didn’t expect them? That’s cool, she’s a stowaway on an interplanetary ship).

Wait. She’s on the planet. In a building. Huh. Is that why she’s wearing a turtleneck and sweating? Me, if I’m on a super-hot planet, I’m thinking shorts are more appropriate, but hey, she wants to wear a turtleneck and sweat, have at it. Maybe she’s trying to lose some weight.

Then she met the super-imposing guy that she’s scared of… who is her best friend… and long-time lover… that she’s terrified of meeting. At least she found his secret cigarettes.

I know it’s short, but the character of what’s her name really didn’t make a lot of sense. I know you can’t give lots of background here, but it almost seemed a bit inconsistent as well. A more shallow character that had clear motivation and consistent might have worked better. And again, I know it’s short, but nothing really happened. Minus 200 points.

Story B:

This is a damn English web site, stop with your damn gay non-English titles. Minus points for the crappy title. And damn, the guy’s name is Carlos? Ah well, I’ll just expect this to be something about Mexicans and drug lords. Will el Martillo be the next character we meet? Yeah, they’re fighting in a jungle, too. Hooray, poppy fields.

I have no idea what’s going on. Some guy shot Carlos in the head, and Carlos didn’t care. Then the guy who shot Carlos got engulfed and eaten by a giant fungus. Carlos started shooting at the fence, village, fungus, and pretty much everything that was not Carl. Then Carl started projecting a PowerPoint presentation on the jungle wall. Suddenly, some other guy who was sitting at a picnic table, eating a snack, burst into flames and Carl laughed at him. The guy then turned into a phoenix magic-user, stood on the burning picnic table, and yelled that Carl and Carlos were late on their taxes. Carlos yelled in Spanish and then Carl offered the guy 10 Mexican dollars as payment for his late taxes. They talked for a bit, then Carl threw a grenade. Carl dropped all his guns and modern weaponry and killed the IRS guy with a sword. Then Carlos killed him.

I ignored all the Spanish words and take away 100 points for having to look at them.

Story C:

Ugh. This is the worst title ever. Do I even need to read this one? I guess. I hate you, author C, for hating your story. Minus 500 points because self-hatred isn’t cool anymore.

You know, the rest of that story wasn’t all that bad. I don’t think I got confused even once. It’s pretty straightforward, though I’m not sure why they’re advertising cities in the elevator. I guess the hotel is in the middle between the two cities and people hang out there while they’re trying to decide which one to live in. I wonder if you can switch from one to the other when you realize one sucks.

Disclaimer:

My comments are provided because you people asked! Also, these comments and suggestions are worth exactly what you paid for them. Oh yeah, I also tend to have fun with these, so hopefully you do not have thin skin and don’t get offended easily. I’m not trying to insult you or make fun of you, I just like having fun with words.

But on to the whole point of this mess: My vote goes to story B for sucking the least.

Mizal

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Commended by Mizal on 5/20/2024 6:25:35 AM

Since we seem to once again have a landslide vote, although anyone is still welcome to leave comments, I'll go ahead and call this early. Congrats to @Petros for the wholly unsurprising win for Story B. I think you said it took you what, an hour and a half? The end result was understandably a little rough around the edges, but traitorously neighing cultists and some other typos aside, it simply worked the best as a complete story and was entertaining besides. I enjoyed the mental image of the improbably backflipping cultist, and there was a little edge of absurb humor to it all that was a difficult thing to balance, but I felt like it worked here. Suranna with Story A had overall decent writing, but the pacing and the way info was dispensed was very uneven as others have pointed out. And the big moment the plot turned (taking a picture of a syringe with a mundane phone, the story needed to be set on a USSR era military base on Venus for that?) was a little underwhelming. And also raised some distracting questions to me about just how sloppy security on this military base had to be. Story C, I have to confess: that wasn't the title of the story, but it was the title of the PM that Bezro sent me that contained the story, and it seemed like it would be funny to use it. The actual story was kinda...not a story, but a summary of a story sort of vaguely and uninterestingly explained to a protagonist with no involvement who did nothing but sit there. So, there are some story craft type things to work on. Educational moment for the children: Setting and Characters, Conflict, Rising Tension, Climax and Resolution. Go down this checklist and you have a story. Or if you prefer: Petros wins, the rest of you suck, there's nothing you can do about it. Maybe pick up a used belt from a thrift store, in these times of economic hardship it's cheaper than a rope. Anyway, entrants reply here for your commendations.

Mizal

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Oh, and the themes I listed were all from Alpha Centauri. I figured that given the ages involved it wouldn't be guessed and that Endmaster would be the only one to know right away. But the Bezros and others made some hilarious attempts, going with everything from Mass Effect and Bioshock to 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Bezro

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Commended by Mizal on 5/20/2024 6:24:10 AM

Yeah that story was terrible, I keep giving myself deadlines and then things happen and I can’t deliver a good product. Not an excuse just me kinda saying I’m probably not gonna do stuff like this for a while. Well until stargirl comes back, I’ll skip my own funeral to beat stargirl.

stargirl

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

I'm still here, watching, waiting.

I have all my finals this week though, so if you want to duel me it'll have to be next week.

Edit: Oh, you're that one newb. I totally forgot about you.

Bezro

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Still mad about that one post, I don’t forget.

Petros

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Commended by Mizal on 5/20/2024 6:23:54 AM

I am glad I was able to weasel my way into the THUNDERDOME to steal away Suranna's victory. I was originally intending to write the entire thing on my thirty minute lunch break, but I realized that I type slowly and inaccurately on a phone keyboard. So, needing more time, I wrote the rest after I got out of work between 11pm and midnight. It was about an hour and a half minus whatever time it took me to actually eat my lunch.

I have barely been on the site between then and now, but I read my own story through for the first time a couple minutes ago and I hate it. It's bad, but it secured me a win, so I have no regrets. I have a hard time not accidentally infusing stories with a weird absurdist sense of humor. In hindsight, if I wanted it to be taken seriously, I probably shouldn't have started with Carl and Carlos.

Whatever, I beat the Mormon and Ogre's paraphrase made me laugh

Suranna

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

(spent an ungodly amount of time on this) (also finally learned how to html images)

Thank you to everyone who voted and commented! I'm really grateful for all the feedback. I'm glad to see that it looks like my writing has improved a little grammar-wise, though I'm still not confidant I know how to properly punctuate sentences. I was pretty aware of the pacing and some dubious plot points being used, but the deadline was nearing and I had already spent 4 hours on the story so I decided to give it a rest.

Anyway, screw you Petros! I was excited to finally see a win on my end. You already won once, can't you let others have a chance?? >:7

Suranna

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Commended by Mizal on 5/21/2024 6:29:20 AM

(alternate version)

Mizal

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

That's pretty good, but it was less like tennis and more like

EndMaster

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

Commended by Mizal on 5/21/2024 6:33:58 AM

Well I was told that the zoomers might not get this joke, so in a hopeless attempt to stay relevant I shall put this in meme form (Which is probably also no longer hip and cool)

Hey Apple!

What?!

Amazing Grace...

WizzyCat

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

LOL

Suranna

Thunderdome 11: Bezro vs Suranna vs ????

7 months ago

If the glove don't fit, you must acquit!