So, Friday, while all of you feckless degenerates were lounging around, embracing hedonism and sloth; smoking the devil's lettuce to celebrate Hitler's birthday, looking at memes, whatever it is you people do. Certainly not writing or reviewing.
During all of that, little did you know what glorious clouds of destiny were gathering overhead.
On 4/20 I started my fantasy epic. It will be, as simply and humbly as I can say it, the best story that has ever existed on this site. I'm not bragging, and not trying to cast shade on Endmaster and Berka's accomplishments, but I'm just stating a fact. I've got seven years of lost time to make up for and I won't be half assing this one. It will be my gift and my thank you to the site and community for all the hours of my life I've been happy to let them suck away.
But it's not like that will be the only incredible event this year. In fact we've already seen the start of the amazing and wonderful change taking place, beginning with underdog Ebon Vasilis taking on Steve in the January contest and emerging victorious.
Dramatic Reenactment:
Two months later, Holy Knight Ebon followed up that unprecedented victory with another one, removing The Order of the Midnight Sun from its throne. It's no surprise that soon afterward official site detective Mistery found the story and that vile cultist JJJ himself were connected to Satanism. All of this so far has been as it should be, God's hand clearly at work here in helping Ebon vanquish the evildoers.
WIBN also didn't do too badly for himself, bumping off a story by Will, aka Sir Smiley, aka quite possibly the worst and most evil person on this site.
Now as we look ahead to the future, we see Killa's Sadness comp, with Ebon (although he is sadly soldiering on alone this time without Mayana's guiding hand) again poised to win with not a hell of a lot left that can stand in his way. And if not Ebon, it will most likely be Leora. Wibbons...is writing anime fanfic. We don't need to talk about that. But either way this contest, like the others, will be won by a proud
Christian writer.
You see my friends, the times are changing. The heathens, the hedonists, the androgynous anime pretty boys, the debauched and depraved of all kinds, because we grew too comfortable with them as allies after the war on the Cats and the Fools, we allowed them to hold this site in their lubed up hairy palms for far too long. But, they have grown fat and lazy as they rested on their laurels. And so now I call upon all Christians, all of you who are normal and have not bowed down to images of waifus or made solid arguments in support of fornicating with animals, all of you who have stood firm against the wickedness and degeneracy the forums have called you to witness; we must rise up, cast the heathen down and cut them off from all remembrance in the land of CYStia forever. Let us take the fight to the featured story list, the only field of battle that matters around here, and make a clean sweep of it for Jesus.
The site has fallen into a slump. But we are alight with holy fire and will dedicate ourselves to going above and beyond! Do not allow yourself to be drawn into vain, petty arguments about gun control...or proofreaders. (you know who you are, you stupid whiny fucks). Also, stop worrying about Steve. Yes it's true that he first appeared as a charming fellow bound to a chair, and then upon being loosed immediately turned evil and took on the form of a serpent, but let's not get sidetracked by that. He's not important in his own right, he's simply become a symbol of the site's degeneracy due to the actual degenerates being a poorly organized, slovenly and leaderless mob, much like the Irish.
Stay clear of such distractions and convene only in the Holy Workshop for typing and prayer. And remember if you can't see yourself leading a charge with a story, you can offer your support with reviews and other useful advice of the kind that has been direly, direly needed these days as stories languish, ignored, and authors starve for feedback. For one day, probably soon, there will be a nuclear war. And then after an indeterminate time of wandering a desert in black leather bondage gear and driving rusty cars covered in spikes, you will be blown up or stabbed or something in a cool cinematic fashion and enter the afterlife to stand before God. He will ask you one question: What did you personally do to make CYS great again?
As or me, I'm taking the battle right into the fantasy section where the fray is thickest and with God as the strength of my right hand will cut down Path of Death with my sword.
My new story by the way is going to be called Path of Life.
