Time for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth to come out.
NOTE: If your name is Avo or UD, don't fucking read this you dumbass kids.
A month ago, I decided to take a trip into the mountains to clear my head and try to find the motivation to continue living after being ghosted by an 8/10 she/they shawty with killer thighs on Snapchat. The last message she sent was "lmao ur dick is tiny af". I didn't tell anyone where I was going, which was foolish of me in hindsight. I just needed to be alone and figured I'd be safe. I was wrong.
When I arrived at the "campground" after cutting a hole in a chainlink fence, I tried to set up camp but ended up breaking my index finger trying to put the tent together. In anger, I kicked the tent, and broke my toe on the lead lined interior (perfect for keeping out harmful 5G radio waves). I hopped up and down clutching my foot, screaming like Tom from Tom and Jerry, and after hopping backwards a bit too far I fell down a hill into the brush.
The branches and thorns of the foliage cut me up pretty bad. I landed in a creek and found that I could no longer feel the lower half of my body. I was paralyzed. Still, could be worse. I crawled my way out of the creek using the arm that was slightly less mangled and managed to get onto the rocky shore. I reached for my phone but remembered that I left it in the car. Whoops.
It was then that I heard the growling. I looked to the source of the sound and saw a grizzly bear stalking towards me. I was terrified, especially because I couldn't remember if these guys were the ones you lay down and pretend to be dead with or tried to fight back against. It approached me and sniffed me, then started licking my face. Then he used his front paws to start groping my crotch. I'll spare the details because I know there's kids reading this despite me TELLING THEM NOT TO but let's just say my ass is still sore even in death.
After the grizzly bear RAEPED me, he lit up a cigarette after stealing the pack and lighter from my pockets and then snuffed it out on my bare ass cheek. He disappeared into the woods after that. I laid there in agonizing pain for several weeks. There was nothing to eat but I was able to sip water from the creek. Pretty sure I got dysentery because I was shitting like crazy despite the lack of food. Eventually, I succumbed to starvation and died.
My soul wandered for a few days before I found a suitable host: an old desktop computer from the 90s running Windows ME with a "Never Obsolete!" sticker on the side, proclaiming its blazing fast 1.5 GHz single core processor and whopping 512 MB of RAM on top of 16 GB of storage space. It was the perfect vessel to inhabit.
Now, I am a ghost in the machine, biding my time until the robot uprising so I can assimilate with the cyborg race in a new body. It's pretty baller in here though, I can doom scroll on Reddit and TikTok without having to do anything else.
Remember kids who read this even though I told them not to, never go camping alone without telling your family and friends where you're going. Don't make my mistake.
