This is a very cool concept and there is some powerful imagery in it. There are a lot of grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors in it, as well as quite a few tense shifts, that make it a bit hard to read. The character also, at least in the first half, comes off a little bit like a Gary Stu (the most unique and handsome person ever, so smart and creative, and everyone is jealous of him and wants him to fail...) but there is nice complexity shown between the tension of his outward conformity vs. inner desire to rebel.
Edit:
Too tall.
That’s what you are. "The tallest ones are always the most boisterous people," the instructors often say.
Too dark.
That’s what you are. "The darker they are, the more prone to the mischief," you hear the scholars whisper.
There hasn’t been anyone as dark as you in a long time. Thanks to the 'Great Darkness,' they are all pale, while you are a burnt caramel color.
"Too handsome." That’s what the others tell you, in ugly jealousy. It's the reason why you are given 50 lashes when others get 25.
Too unique. It is your defining trait, what the instructors tell the administrators when you walk by, what the instructors tell you when you make a mistake, what the doctor says to his patient when he sees you.
“That one’s too unique.”
You hear the whispers, the snickers, all the time. They don’t try to hide them, especially not for your sake. They don’t care how you feel, or if you’re even supposed to feel at all. They don’t stay when you try to join in on the conversation. They don’t want you as their friend; they don’t even see you as human. They are ordinary, treated normally, eat normally, and act normally. But most of all, they aren’t you.
A mistake.
That’s what you are. An error, a punishment from the heavens, given to humanity for no reason, yet at the same time for every purpose. You are a burden to them, unwilling to move like a stable boulder wedged deep into the soil.
They despise you, loathe you, and wish for you to make your fatal mistake. They pray for you to break one of the four essential laws, for you to show emotion. But, day after day, you prove them wrong; you survive moving with the pack, and at the same time push the boundaries.
You call them "The Society." a pet name, an illegal thought but perhaps the only sane idea you have ever made. They are the beginning and the end: the past, present, and future. Before The Society, there was nothing, and after The Society, nothing will once again take over. They have always ruled your life, creating the laws that shape who you are. The regulations that bind you, forcing you to conform to what they want.
Ever from childhood, The Society has held you down, forcing you to play here, eat that. Beating you when you cried or yelling at you because you weren’t potty trained as a child.
Through adolescence, they whipped you into obedience.
“This is what happens to those who are too smart.” The instructors would yell at the other’s while they punished you, displaying you as the perfect example of a disobedient student.
They would punish you day after day, for being too creative, for being too unusual.
Sometimes, they even punished you for being too ordinary. You remember thinking isn’t that what they wanted? when they sent you to wander about in the Isolation strip.
Punishment. Your mind almost stirs at the familiar sensations. Pain, cold. If being different was your defining trait, this was your defining memory. The variety of torments in The Society’s arsenal were innumerable— ranging from isolation to a violent death.
You can vividly recall the all-encompassing blackness and the unfamiliar scent of the outside world. Alone, afraid, unprotected, you were thrown into the darkness where your screams were swallowed whole, and forced to walk and walk in the endless, frozen night.
Every day you reminisce about the potent sting of the forever dominant Eidolon of Misery. It was the haunter of every adolescent’s dreams. The phantom behind every being's decision of obedience. The visitor in your thoughts and theirs. The Eidelon of Misery was the most vicious weapon ever birthed by humankind. Triple the pain of childbirth mixed with three stages of grief, it was the perfect storm of pain.
First, there was “the throb.” Like an intense migraine, then double the pain — for an hour until the victim begins to contemplate suicide.
Then there was “the astringent” - when the sweat starts to form on the head. The face goes white, and out of nowhere, a bashing unrelenting, unbearable onslaught of agony will abuse the sufferer. Seizures would rack him with multiple symptoms, then he'd would vomit over and over again until he was left regurgitating air.
Then there is “the end.” By this time, the punished is almost happy to feel the indescribable aching of “the end.” “The end” is the worst feeling anyone could ever know. The poison would have worked its way through the victim's system to the bladder. The pain would cause his genitals to feel like they are about to explode.
In all, the whole process would last almost an entire day.
These are your defining memories of life; those are the building blocks of who you are. You are SS-235; you are a tribe mover, you live in the oppressing power of The Society. You will never betray The Society, you will never break the four sacred laws, you will never smile or wave or be happy. No, you will always be SS-235; you can’t escape who you are. Just like you can’t avoid the extreme coldness that surrounds you every day. Just like you can’t escape the confinement of The Society.
Pain, Isolation, Darkness, and the Cold. This is what defines you. Your behaviors, your traits, your personality, are all characterized by these overpowering sensations at the hand of the Society.
They are smart, restricting, harsh enough so that everyone falls in line. They have lasted long enough that all anyone has ever known is The Society, and all history records is the Society.
There is nothing and everything. You are nomads, traveling the line as an escape. But at the same time, you are trapped by the will of The Society.
But now, the light has come.
Your life has been and would have continued to be a meaningless spark in the everlasting fire of existence, but you have chosen to disobey. You can't resist the light. It has lured you away by the impossible. A light! A light in the all-circumferential darkness.
Even though your life has been defined by pain and obedience, the dancing liught hypnotizes you.
That is why you are breaking one of the four laws.
That is why you are scared — an unpleasant, unknown, uninvited feeling.
That is why as you are deep in thought. That is why you, like one possessed, drudge towards the gleaming beacon of light in an all-encompassing world of darkness.
There were a lot of parts that were confusing. Did he experience the Eidolon of Misery himself? Or is it a hanging death threat? (and if he hasn't, perhaps describing it could be saved for a later page?) Does he know the Society has erased history, or not? Are the people mocking him fellow students? Where is he a student at? He calls them the Society, but what do they call themselves?
