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Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

5 days ago
The arena today had been opened not for a fight, but for a fancy dinner service for the regulars. Waiters in white shirts and black ties circulated among the tables with glasses of pink champagne. Swans glided through canals, statues of laughing cherubs adorned fountains, and flower adorned arches led into a hedgemaze. Friends walked side by side, and their wondering comments could be heard over the gentle murmuring of the fountains. "Holy shit, when did we get the budget for all this?" "Damn, I wonder whose soul got sold to Acoustic Satan to cover the cost." "Mercer Gang!" "Well I like Ogre." Ben Holman and Fresh Ovens found themselves near each other. "This is pretty cool, reminds me of that time I took one of my exes to the Olive Garden. So fancy!" "Whoooaaa, you guys had an Olive Garden? The most romantic...well actually the only eating place we have back home is a Pizza Hut. The sign sure looks nice when bathed in the glow of our single stoplight." Fresh sighed wistfully, then frown. "You know what, actually it sucks, can't wait to leave." "Leaving?" a smugly amused voice asked. They turned and saw a waiter there, several others stepping up to join him. "Oh, I'm afraid you can never leave." As if on cue, the waiters drew long knives, and screams echoed across the arena, joined with the sounds of breaking glass and clattering chairs. And from somewhere came the opening strains of a familiar song... Ben and Fresh locked eyes, and it was then they knew: the survivor of this bout would be not the one who fought the best, but the one who could run the fastest.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

5 days ago
Story A: Samantha blinked up at the neon lights with exhausted eyes, thinking back as to how she had ended up outside a dingy hotel at one in the morning in another state. For years, it had been this shit. Her sister Trish got some insane convoluted idea, roped Sam into helping her regardless of her personal feelings or circumstances, then ended up giving it up after a year or two. The time she wanted to join a monastery? Sam had to source the airline tickets and research all the details. And of course Trish ended up being there for about two weeks before deciding it was boring. The time she decided to start a smoothie bar? It was Sam who had to get the building permits and keep track of inventory. And of course, the bar went belly up after only a few weeks cause nobody wants to buy a chilled mango smoothie in the middle of Fairbanks, Alaska! And now, of course dear sweet Trish was getting married to some rich old guy a few years away from death. This of course meant that Sam had to book the venue and cross-reference different caterers. Of course she had to be the one to calm down the members of the groom's family, who were understandably pissed that this chick was swooping in at the last minute and messing with their inheritance. Honestly, if it hadn't been for the fact that their parents had always given Sam the sad eyes and their "we count on you to look out for your younger sister" spiel, she would have quit years ago. She knew as well as they did if she didn't help Trish, then they'd be pestered next. And since it was their fault their younger daughter had no self control in the first place, they couldn't say no either. So here Sam was, driving through empty roads in Northern California, headed to San Francisco, because of course Trish wants a warm, bright locale. Hopefully this groom could take her off Sam's hands for a few years. Eventually exhaustion had set in, and Sam's eyelids drooped. She had been planning to pull over to the side of the road to get some shuteye, when a neon glare appeared in the periphery of her blurry vision. CASA DEL VICIO It was a wide, three story building on the side of the road. From the look of the gilded doors and the plain-faced doorman, Sam had to guess at some kind of hotel. A hotel. In the desert. For a moment, Sam had wondered if she was going delirious, or that the stress of being her sister's keeper had finally made her snap. Then she thought about how sleeping in an actual bed would be preferable to sleeping in her car like she had been the last few nights driving down from Alaska, having to deal with border security twice. After all, Trish needed you to bring your car to help with transportation to the wedding and other errands. Asking her soon-to-be husband didn't seem to have occurred to her. Fuck it. It couldn't hurt to ask about pricing. As Samantha walked up to the doors, the doorman smiled and opened the door for her, the shadows on his cap flickering across his face from the candlelight from inside the building. Sam tilted her head as a whiff of the smell inside hit her nose. She had smoked pot enough in college to understand what she was smelling. "You guys get a lot of potheads out here?" Sam asked the doorman. "We burn hemp for the aromatic pleasure of our guests. It cultivates a certain... ambiance, miss." "And the candles? Don't you guys have electricity?" "Yes we do." "Then why...?" The doorman interrupted her. "You can ask our hostess these questions, miss. She will be able to answer better than I. Your car will be watched over while you are inside, and the authorities will be called if there is any trouble." Sam had just been about to ask about that. She supposed it was probably a common concern out here in the middle of nowhere. She noticed there were no other cars around. Not even a parking lot. As the doorman waved her inside, the interior of the lobby sent a chill down Sam's spine. A fire burned within a stone chimney, which should have made the room sweltering hot due to the temperature outside, but instead, it was somehow cooler in here. The rest of the room was plain, with a few armchairs in the center of the room, beige carpeting, and a single desk with a brass plaque that read: CHECK-IN. The one thing about the room that stood out to her were the mannequins. Three of them, a young blond woman in a cocktail dress and two older gentlemen were positioned around a table, playing cards in their hands as a poker game lay in front of them. As Sam approached the desk uneasily, a older woman appeared from a back door and smiled at Sam. She was pretty, like what Sam would imagine a former model who ended up being a grandmother would look like. "Checking in, dear?" she asked Sam with a warm smile. "How much would that be exactly?" A tinkling laugh from the woman. "No charge, dear. It's a special night." A free room? Sam kicked herself for not being ecstatic. After the last few weeks of dealing with her sister's Bridezilla shenanigans and having to live like a transient, this seemed like a lucky break for her. Something about this place though... "Why are you guys out here? Why is the temperature so normal even though you guys have a fire going in the middle of the desert? And..." Sam took another uneasy look at the mannequins. She appreciated the level of detail and effort the person who made them must have put into their work, but they were a little too lifelike. The woman followed Sam's eye. "You like my art, dear? I made them myself. We don't get many visitors here, and the few staff I have keep to themselves despite living in the hotel full time. So I made my lovelies to keep us company. It's nice to have guests who will never leave, wouldn't you say?" "Um. I guess?" "And as for the temperature," the woman laughs. "Do you think we don't have air conditioning in here? The place is lit by candlelight because I feel it provides a quiet, cozy environment. California is very flashy, and this hotel is for people like me who wish to get away from it all. But we do have electricity." With an amused smile, the woman points to a security camera in a ceiling corner of the room pointing at the desk. "You don't get many guests out here," Sam asked slowly. "But... you're giving out a free room?" "Yes." the woman says simply, now lighting an incense burner with a dark green come in the center. "I have just sold a few of my pieces to a private art dealer for an enormous sum of money. I would like to share my good fortune with someone who clearly needs it." Seeing Sam's affronted expression, she adds: "No disrespect intended, dear. You're very lovely, but it is plain to see that you have been living roughly." That was true. The smell of hemp was making Sam's head foggy. That must've been what this woman was burning in the incense burner. Looking around the room, she saw other burners placed, spreading a fog of smoke throughout the room. Yet, she was still able to breathe normally without coughing. Despite how unsettled this woman and this place made her brain feel, her body protested at the idea of going back out to the car. She'd have to sleep in her car for the next day or two, then a air mattress on the floor (apparently, the guest bedrooms are for actual guests, not the help like yourself). A single night's rest in an actual bed couldn't hurt, right? Giving her assent, the woman withdrew a large pillar candle from behind her desk, lit it, and beckoned Sam to follow her. As they climbed a stairwell, Sam tried to make conversation in order to quell the feeling of uneasiness that hadn't quite subsided, Sam asked her questions about herself. It would seem the hostess's name was Syrina, who had moved here from Serbia back when it was still Yugoslavia. She moved around a lot to the present day, and apparently made lifelike mannequins to sell to wealthy clients. This made Sam even more suspicious. The woman had said before that she lived in the hotel, and didn't get to interact with people, yet she traveled and met wealthy art collectors? Maybe her age and solitude had affected her mind, and she told these stories as a coping mechanism? Either way, this woman seemed harmless. Despite Sam's misgivings, she doubted the woman herself meant any harm, and seeing the queen sized bed lined with fluffy pillows and soft blankets crumbled her resolve. In the corner was a plate of bread and cheese sitting next to a fruit bowl and a pitcher of milk. Considering the convenience store food and trail mix she had been surviving on, it was Heaven. As Sam drowsily sank into her soft bed an hour later, her stomach full, she heard her door creak open. She attempted to open her eyes to see who it was, but found she couldn't. She had been tired, but not this tired... unless... The moment of panic faded into oblivion as Samantha entered a dreamless sleep. Six months later Trish walked past the doorman without a second thought. It was her new husband's job to tip the help, after all. The help. It made her giddy that she could call people that now that she was rich, thanks to her wedding, the only issue with which had been your ungrateful sister no-showing. Their parents were concerned, considering the last they had heard from her, she had been driving down to San Fran to help. Trish remembered how much Sam had complained about having to help her sister, and wouldn't be surprised if she had changed her mind and was now lying low. Whatever. Looking around at the lobby, she had to admit it felt... quaint. Not exactly the luxury she had started to come to expect, but her new husband knew the owner here, and wanted to pick up a couple art pieces before they went on their honeymoon. An older woman with a Eastern European accent entered. "Oh! You must be Mr. Tanner's new bride, my dear?" "Why yes, I am! My name is Trish, but you can call me Mrs. Tanner." The woman laughed. "But of course! Your husband is an old and dear friend. Welcome to the Casa Del Vicio." "That's a strange name for a hotel." Trish said, frowning. "The House of Vice?" "Yes." the woman said, nodding. "We move around a lot, catering to the whims of our exclusive clientele. Last week we were in Northern California, today we are on the outskirts of Las Vegas, Nevada." "How do you..." "Sylvia!" your husband says, striding inside. As the two exchange air kisses, Trish decided to put it out of her mind. Until she saw the art piece her husband was buying. A plaque on it said "Poker in Vegas." There was a tall blond woman in a cocktail dress, two older gentlemen laughing while playing cards, and a second woman dealing them all in. The green dealers' visor partially obscured her face, but Trish just couldn't help but notice the similarities between that dealer and her sister. Hmm. Oh well. Her husband would be putting the artwork in storage, and then the only thing Trish would have to worry about is hot towel massages and Mai Tais. She was sure Sam would eventually show.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

5 days ago
Story B: Nothing. No sound except for the empty road and the hum of tires against cracked asphalt. It was just him, the road, and that damned hotel. The neon sign flickered against the black desert sky, buzzing like a dying firefly against glass. Darkness engulfed the rest of the night, leaving only the looming hotel in view. He glanced at the clock on the dashboard. 2:17 AM. He could afford to drive a little farther and look for something more reputable. He hit the gas, turning the radio dial to the first available station. "The skies are clear, and boy is it nice outside. Any of you hooligans out and about at this hour can at least enjoy the sixty-five-degree weather out there," the DJ droned. He scoffed. "Ah, yes, perfect weather for driving straight into a Twilight Zone episode." Static choked out the next station, then the next. Nothing reached else reached him, no matter how much fiddling with the dial he did. The neon sign flickered in front of him. His stomach tightened. He'd passed that sign an hour ago. Another glance at the dashboard. 2:17 AM, still. He hit his palm against the dash. "Fucking clock must be broken. Fantastic." He gritted his teeth and pressed harder on the gas. Neon sign. 2:17 AM. A knot formed in his gut. His eyelids drooped. His fingers slackened on the wheel. When had he last seen a gas station? A turnoff? He couldn't remember. The headlights sputtered. The radio crackled; a voice broke through. "...boy is it nice outside..." The same inflection. The same words. Again. He reached for the dial, but only static greeted him. He went back to the weather station, deciding any human voice was better than none. "...perfect weather for driving straight into a Twilight Zone episode." His blood ran cold. Those were his words. Then, silence. No static. In the rearview mirror, his reflection stared back with hollow eyes. The shadows of his face didn’t match the dashboard lights. When he turned his head, it hesitated before following. He pulled into the gravel lot and killed the engine. He had to stop. Just one night. The air inside smelled of warm vanilla and cinnamon; underneath it lay a cloying scent, like perfume rotting on old skin. The woman at the desk smiled. Her teeth sat too clustered together in her mouth. He winced, thinking her dentist probably deserved jail time. "Welcome," she said, sounding sonorous. "I think you'll find your room satisfactory." His brows furrowed. "I didn't ask for a room yet." Her smile didn't falter. “They always want a room.” She turned and took a key off the rack— he noticed that every key displayed the same number: three. His fingers recoiled before he registered why. The room key felt warm, almost feverish to the touch. He didn’t comment further on the strangeness. He just wanted a place to rest. The keys gleamed with their polished brass numbers. Heat crept up his spine. He blinked rapidly, his vision swimming for just a second. His footsteps made no sound, as if the hallway refused to acknowledge his presence at all. The lights shone down with an unnatural glow. A whisper just behind him. He spun, heart slamming against his ribs. But when he glanced back, there was nothing. The lobby seemed impossibly far away, as if the hallway had stretched while he wasn’t looking. "Well, that’s not unsettling at all," he muttered under his breath, turning back to the door in front of him. His hand hovered over the doorknob. Every instinct screamed to turn back. Naturally, he turned the key and walked straight in. "What's wrong with you?" he spoke, addressing only himself. "Doesn't a lobby that smells like expired potpourri and a receptionist who may or may not consume human souls for fun scream 'five-star hotel?" He had a history of making terrible choices, but this one felt like it might take the crown. He collapsed into the armchair, feeling the cushions mold to his shape like they had been waiting. The fire flickered, dancing shadows along the walls, but the warmth never reached him. The walls pulsed with a familiar heartbeat. He took a shaky breath, pulling a blanket over him for heat. Goosebumps spreaded down his spine. Paintings depicting golden light and distant mountains hung on the wall. When he stared too long, they warped, shifting as if something beneath them wanted out. Dizziness forced him to shut his eyes. He told himself it was just a trick of the light. "Besides, there's nothing like a little shifting eldritch horror décor to make a place feel homey." The grandfather clock in the corner of the room caused him the most unease. It ticked unevenly, missing the beat with every movement. The numbers were all wrong, warped and distorted beyond recognition. Laughter rose from somewhere far away, threading under the door like smoke from something still burning. He started to get up to see what had caused the emotion, then he heard a soft creak from the closet. Fear restrained him to his chair. His eyes closed as he tried to ground himself back in reality. "It’s just exhaustion. No big deal," he whispered. "The only weird thing here is you talking to yourself." His hand shook as he reached for the remote. His fingers trembled, barely managing to press the button, but the screen flickered to life. He breathed an audible sigh of relief and flipped through a few channels— an old sitcom, a cooking show... then stopped on a news report. They were covering a car crash near his hometown, almost two thousand miles away. Such a small story to be broadcasting over such a distance. A knock on the door caused him to jump. He walked over, trepidation marking his every step. He twisted the handle and nudged the door open, fearing whatever lurked in the hallway. A woman stood before him, grinning wide. She held a stack of towels. "I think we may have forgotten to restock a few of the toiletries in your room," she explained. "Here you are. Apologies for the inconvenience." He nodded, taking the towels from her as he replied. "Not a problem." After closing the door, he went into the bathroom and set the towels on the marble counter. A glimmer of something in the mirror caught his eye, but it was gone when he looked again. He shook his head. "I need sleep," he muttered to himself, studying his reflection in the mirror. He rubbed a hand over his jaw, grimacing at the rough stubble. He needed a shave. Or maybe he didn’t— no one was going to see him anytime soon. His fingers twitched. He hadn’t meant to clench them, but something in the mirror sent a static jolt up his arm. His reflection smiled. He hadn't. He blinked, and all was back to normal. He glared at the bathroom's lighting. He could handle the eerie silence. He could handle the warped paintings. He could even handle his own eyes playing tricks on him. But a fluorescent light in the bathroom? That was going to drive him insane before anything else had the chance. Inexcusable, really. He stumbled back into the main room, his mind racing. His legs felt like jelly, but he forced them to move, his footsteps heavy on the thick carpet. Finally, he made it to the queen-sized bed, where he collapsed, utterly exhausted. The air conditioner rattled, and the mattress felt unnaturally cold against his side. He turned, pressing his face into the pillows only to be assaulted by a damp, earthy odor, vaguely reminding him of the time hemp had been passed around at a party he'd attended. "They must not have changed the pillows since the last guy," he grumbled as he flipped back over onto his back. He fumbled with his phone, pulling it out in a desperate hope for something, anything that could ground him. No bars. No WiFi. Fine. But the time— 2:17 AM. He locked the screen and flipped it over in his palm, like a gambler waiting for the right card. His hand slipped, and his phone clattered onto the floor beside him. He sighed and reached down, his body hanging off the side of the bed— but felt nothing. His hand swept across the thick carpet. His phone was gone. He considered getting fully out of bed and searching, but saw no point if the idiotic device wouldn't work anyway. Eventually, his eyes drifted back shut. The laughter echoed in his mind until it was the only sound; it felt like it was inside his own head, but that was impossible. The lights flickered. Once. Twice. He stood in the hallway without recalling getting up. He turned; his door was shut. A quick check revealed that the key had returned to his pocket, at least. He took it out, then... strange. He could've sworn it hadn't been key number five this whole time. The laughter grew louder, skittering across the walls like spiders. He followed it to an elaborate ballroom. Inside, people swayed in slow, lazy circles. Their faces, beautiful but wrong, stretched into too-wide smiles. A woman with hair like spun gold took his hand. Her dry touch startled him. "Dance with me." He tried to step back. “Yeah, see, I usually require at least three drinks before I start making a fool of myself in public." Her head tilted. “Dance with me.” The music shifted, soft and hypnotic. Familiar. Old. A memory just out of reach. He was moving before he realized it. The room spun. The faces blurred. The woman leaned in close, breath like wine, voice like a whisper against his skin. "You're home now." He tore his hand from the woman’s grasp and stumbled back. The floor didn’t feel solid beneath him anymore—like walking on the surface of a deep, still lake. He turned, searching for the exit. The heat closed in, pressing against his ribs like a second skin. He turned to the door. Gone. The walls had shifted. Or had they ever been walls at all? The laughter scraped against his skin, jagged as broken glass. He squeezed his eyes shut. Counted to five. When he opened them, the golden light swelled, throbbing with his heartbeat. The melody wove through his bones, winding tighter with every note. A man in a suit stood before him, an unearthly smile plastered on his face. "Don't worry, you'll get used to it," he assured. He ran, but the carpet dragged at his feet, thick as wet sand. The door handle writhed away from his grip, snaking away with a disturbing sentience. The hallway swallowed the exit, stretching into something endless, corridors that twisted and folded in on themselves. His breath came short and ragged as he staggered back into his room. He wrenched open the curtains. His car sat undisturbed in the lot below. He dug into his pocket for the keys, his fingers clumsy and desperate. Gone. He shoved his hands into the other pocket. Then his jacket. His backpack. His body moved frantically, searching, but he already knew. The hotel had taken them. The laughter crept closer. Behind him, the woman sighed. Her voice sounded like velvet, but the words felt like chains. "You can check out anytime you like," she murmured, grabbing onto his shoulder with icy hands, "but you can never leave." He stepped back, trying to pry himself out of her grasp. The woman’s fingernails dug into his skin. He didn't turn around. The music drifted back to his ears. His throat closed. The vanilla scent was thick, suffocating. He coughed, but the sweetness clung to his tongue. The laughter roared, devouring him whole, its pitch rising to unbearable heights. It wasn't just outside him anymore. It bubbled up his throat, curling at the edges of his mouth. His own. Another voice in the chorus, singing the same song, forever.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

5 days ago
Vote here for a chance to win a free stay at the Hotel CYS:

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

5 days ago

*Murderous waiters not included

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

5 days ago
I'm not ready to make these kinds of promises.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

4 days ago
Another really close match! The thunderdome's been on fire lately.

Story A took a more grounded approach to the prompt which I can appreciate. I just wish that the ending was a bit more dramatic. Maybe the addition of some detail that allowed Trish to realize that the mannequin was indeed an uncannily faithful replica of her sister. Though, I suppose I can also see Trish as a character that is simply too narcissistic to notice such details.

Story B chose to go all in on the surreal horror aspect instead and I loved it. It definitely felt like one of those dreams where you lack any sort of control over what happens. The author also does a great job of slowly increasing the intensity of the bizarreness in the narrative.

My final vote is for Story B.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

4 days ago

Story B was good; Story A was alright.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

4 days ago

I agree with Clayfinger, another couple of great entries.

Story A: Fun approach on the concept of the prompt. This story does a good job as establishing Sam's exhaustion and irritation at her mindless sister, and setting the scene for the hotel. I found the extremely short (often single sentence) paragraphs offputing and disruptive to smooth reading. The loop back to actually include Trish and her husband was actually a surprise. I was totally expecting Sam to wind up as a mannikin as soon as they were introduced, but was not expecting Trish to actually make an appearance. No SPAG issues that caught my attention.

Story B: This is surprisingly close to the story in my head that goes with this song. It does a good job of building the suspense and dreamy confusion of the protag. I particularly liked the line "The laughter scraped against his skin, jagged as broken glass." Excellent imagery. No SPAG issues on this one either.

My vote is for Story B, although they are very very close.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

4 days ago
I love the recent contest theme of writing prompts inspired by songs! Also, both stories in this contest were fun to read.

Story A

This story was enjoyable! I loved the mystery behind the hotel and the suspense that was built up. I found the writing to be engaging and easy to understand, as it adopted a conversational tone. At one point, the author makes a mistake with the pronouns. When Trish is entering the hotel, this sentence switches the pronouns from "her" to "you", which makes me think this might have originally been written in 2nd person perspective like a CYOA, but then changed: "The help. It made her giddy that she could call people that now that she was rich, thanks to her wedding, the only issue with which had been your ungrateful sister no-showing."

Other than that, it was relatively error free. I did spot an inconsistency where the old men and the tall lady were originally turned into mannequins, then later on it was a painting. That wasn't explained well, and I'm not sure what happened there.
I did like the characters and I found them interesting, especially the creepy aspect of the hotel. This is a pretty good story.

Story B The figurative language is a lot more prevalent in this story. I felt the language was a little more immersive, in terms of making the reader feel like they're in the story. The sensory imagery was a lot stronger as well.
I think this story was also creepier, especially with the woman asking you to dance. The first story was a bit more overt with the horror, while this one was a little more insidious.

This line was really good: ""You can check out anytime you like," she murmured, grabbing onto his shoulder with icy hands, "but you can never leave.""

I really loved this story, it was really creepy and nailed the vibe.

Overall Vote

Story B

I thought the writing was stronger, and the story itself leaned into the creepy, insidious, subtle aspects of horror. I think both stories were great, but I'm gonna have to vote for story B.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

4 days ago
"You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave," was actually picked from the song. It's the last line the vocalist sings before the iconic guitar solo ends the song. There are actually plenty of references to the song in Story B, like the chorus of voices constantly singing or the smiling, dancing people. There's probably more, but I don't remember all the lyrics off the top of my head.

Now that I think about it, the actual song feels like a story in and of itself. There's a whole narrative within its lyrics about this creepy hotel.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

3 days ago

If you would like a good music theory breakdown of the song I recommend:

Not sure why the iframe is acting weird.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

3 days ago
I loved this. Thank you.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

4 days ago

If allowed, I vote for Story B. 

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

3 days ago

My vote is for Story B as I felt I got a better sense of atmosphere. Kudos to both authors though as they both deliver in the creepy factor, as appropriate for the prompt, which I assume has to do with Hotel California and weed.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

3 days ago
The prompt was just Hotel California. The song itself mentions weed.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

2 days ago
Story B

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

11 hours ago

Since I'm short on time, apologies if this textwall is more brief than normal. I suppose it's more of a text fence than a textwall. Half of it was also written on a bus.

Story A
 

  • Not sure if this counts as a 'cold opening', but unlike the usual in media res beginning where a character is in a perilous situation and thanks back to how it happens, this one starts with an odd situation to be in and provides the explanation in the next few paragraphs
  • There is a slight exposition dump, but given the word count restraints and the the fact that there is a strong narrative voice, I don't mind as much
  • Uses deep pov despite third person, which I found to be a nice touch
  • Characterises both the protagonist and her strained relationship with her sister well
  • Lots of telling, as evidenced by the reliance on adjectives for description and distancing phrases, e.g. 'she thought' and 'Sam had wondered' (removing those places the reader directly in the character's shoes, allowing them to experience the scene for themselves
  • Brief pov change from third to second person (referred to Sam as 'you')
  • "As Samantha walked up to the doors, the doorman smiled and opened the door for her" - you really like doors, huh? Jokes aside, this is just a nitpick but replacing the first door with something like entrance may make it flow better (unless you're trying to emphasise the doors for foreshadowing)
  • Noticed one proofreading error (full stop instead of comma after dialogue), but no other spag issues
  • Good technique of slowly weaving in details about the uncanny atmosphere at the hotel, for example, by drawing attention to the lack of cars and heat, and reinforcing Sam's desire to find out information through her questions
  • "Either way, this woman seemed harmless. Despite Sam's misgivings, she doubted the woman herself meant any harm" - yes, that is what harmless means (I.e. edit for redundancy)
  • Another slip to second person pov
  • Interesting use of the switch to sister's perspective 
  • I suspected the twist ending, which goes to show the foreshadowing was done well
  • I liked that the husband was revealed to be the private art dealer (didn't suspect that part) 

Story B
 

  • I like the emphasis placed on the nothingness at the start
  • Lots of similarities between the two story: the protagonist arrives at a desolate hotel at an odd hour in the morning
  • But this one takes more time to immerse the read in the scene, painting details of the atmosphere 
  • It's cool how each detail mentioned is important, as it shows that he's stuck in a loop of some sort
  • Ooh the shorter sentences, followed by sentence fragments, speeds up the pacing
  • This contrasts the longer, more descriptive sentences at the start; it also reflects the protag's growing worry
  • Lots of little eerie details create the sense that something is very wrong: the woman at the desk, the keys having the same number, and the key being warm
  • The protag's sarcasm adds a bit more of characterization and also shows his internal narrative through dialogue
  • Good touch with personifying the furniture, which made the room feel more creepy
  • The woman entering and giving the protagonist towels added a moment of normalcy, like the calm before the storm, but it also served to advance the plot as it brings the protagonist to the bathroom where he is driven a bit more insane
  • Ngl I used to be very scared of my reflection changing because of a book I read when I was younger (can't even remember what it was), so the smile part did send shivers down my spine 
  • Overdescription to create a creepy tone works well here
  • Sense of surrealism after the protagonist drifts off is captured nicely, and I especially like the part where the laughter came from within him too, marking his transformation into one of them
  • Probably would have to read it again because there were some foreshadowing details I think I missed (e.g. lots of recurring motifs like the smell of vanilla and the color gold throughout that make even the randomer parts feel connected to the narrative)

Overall, two strong entries, but I'll vote for Story B. I ended up writing a bit more than I thought I would, but at this point, I guess it's sort of a tradition lol.

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

10 hours ago

Story B

Thunderdome: Valentine's Match

5 days ago

WAITER ASSASSINS