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Did you escape from a vending machine? Cause you're a snack!

Hey... *looks at notes* d-did you f-fall from h-heav-heaven... *shuffles through notes* cuz y-you h-have the f-face of an.... an... *wind knocks notes out of my hands* no!! God no!! Sorry... I just... you're just so... so pretty... I'm sorry...

Works every time.

Calm down, buddy boo. It's okay.

Thats actually really sweet.

If you were a Transformer, you'd be Optimus Fiiiiine.

Hahaha, I think that one would actually work on me if I was still trying to find a date online! Just the right combination of cheesiness and dad joke.

They are supposed to be bad pickup lines, not good ones.

Hey! I'm calling the police. *Goes into romantic whisper* Because you just stole my heart. ;)

The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to your place and spread the word.

Lol just horrible

Tried it on Tinder a few weeks ago. Got laid unmatched. 

Vice versa if gay.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I turn and come back again?

This one is really bad and weird, heard it from a movie.

"I wanna text you, mail you, tweet you skype you...and if you still don't reply...I'll poke you."

The writer of the movie probably couldn't think of a proper closure and just wrote the first thing that came to their mind.

Am I at a mine? because I just found a diamond.

Are you a doughnut hole? Why, because when we're together you make me feel whole.

What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your ass.

Results may vary.

Oh no

*look of disgust*

You make my Gengar smile

I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?

There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.

I’m sorry, were you talking to me? [No] Well then, please start.

Do you want to commit a sin for your next confessional?

My name is (whatever your name is) remember it, you’ll be screaming it later.

^^ Can't possibly be a less effective pick up line.

Then you start doing the Sex Offender Shuffle.

Officer Karr
"As a resident of Miami-Dade county it is your right to know the names and likenesses of sex offenders living in your area. As a public service, we've created this video tape, so that you and your friends and family can stay aware, stay safe and maybe even have a little fun. Enjoy."

All
The State of Florida has asked us to
Disclose our sexual crimes to you
We were bad, but now we're good
We're moving into your neighborhood
You know we're trying our best to be
Functioning members of society
We're not here to start no trouble
We're legally required to do the sex offender shuffle

Larry Arthauer
I'm Larry Arthauer and I'll refrain
From touching my neighbors kid's again
What I did was not too kind
But I'm a nice guy, you'll come to find
I've got a backyard and a real nice pool
Y'all should come over for a BBQ
We could make some cold drinks in my blender
But do keep in mind I'm a sex offender

Vernon Douglas
Vernon Douglas is my name
My battery arrest is what bought me fame
But there's much more to know about me
I love to dance, and I love to ski
I zip and zoom on through the snow
Just strap on my boots and watch me go
But I can't ski until December
Till then I'm just a sex offender

Charles Dolling
I'm Charles Dolling, dropping rhymes
I've been arrested seven times
I know that sounds like a lot
But three of those times were for vandalism
I feel real bad, I got caught
I might do it again, probably not
I'm not here to make pretenses
I'm here because of my sex offenses

Sam Pound
I'm Sam Pound, I'm number one
Apologizing for what I've done
Case you're wondering what that was
I snuck into a bath room and I fisted my cuz
I held her down and watched her struggle
Then played with her melons because I like to juggle
I’m not here to eat eats those truffles
I'm just here to do the sex offender shuffle

Laura Hughes
Hey everybody I'm Laura Hughes
Proving that girls can do it too
And by it I mean touch your cousin
Was it worth it? No, it wasn't.
You won't find me in your child's play set
'Cause I gotta wear this ankle bracelet
I'm not here to go on a bender
I'm here because I'm a sex offender

Marc Burmholdt
Last name Burmholdt, first name Marc
I'm moving in somewhere on your block
Not in a house, but in a van
If you need me to move it, I sure can
The last thing I want is any trouble
I've learned my lesson from the sex offender shuffle

Arthur Chase
I'm the one they call Arthur Chase
They said I didn't have to show my face
My first trial ended in a hung jury
If I'm found guilty they'll unblur me
I'm not the necrophiliac Arthur Chase
That's a different Arthur Chase
I'm not here to be my own defender
I'm here because I'm possibly a sex offender

Terry Polk
Okay real quick, I-I'm not like these people, okay? This is an extortion plot by my ex-wife, who's the only witness, and she's trying to take away my kids and if...
I'm not here to pack my duffel
I'm just here to do the sex offender shuffle

All
The State of Florida has asked us to
Disclose our sexual crimes to you
We were bad, but now we're good
We're moving into your neighborhood
We're obliged to admit
The crimes of which we were convicted
We're not here to start no trouble
We're legally required to do the sex offender shuffle

Didn’t know that Sam Pound had actual full lyrics to his verse, in the video the camera temporarily messes up and cuts out just before he mentions fisting his cousin and only goes back when he mentions eating truffles.

Yeah, I didn't know either.

I actually got in trouble in middle school for listening to this song on my IPad. I was so mad because there were other kids down there for looking up porn and shit.

Dude that's just stupid!

Officer, I'm innocent! The illegal drugs I sell aren't even that hardcore!

Yeah...I’m sure it does...