Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

Hey, will you guys give me some feedback or comments on this. And, yes, I understand when you first look, it would seem like a jumbled mess but if you played the game I based it off of, you'll understand.

https://chooseyourstory.com/story/There%20Is%20No%20Game.aspx

I followed the instructions and didn't open it. 10/10, wouldn't open it again.

Someone should delete this, then we can finally say, "There is no game."

Thanks for the free point.  Reading your post comments literally pains me, so there is no chance I will voluntarily subject myself to some of your writing.

https://www.crazygames.com/game/there-is-no-game


Can someone on a computer tell me how closely he's copying the original?

it's definitely plagiarism and coolcuck needs to be banned

Done.

It is genuinely a surprising amount of copying, especially in the beginning. The entire concept of clicking on the title and breaking it? Stolen. Breaking the fourth wall to talk about glitches? Stolen. Narrator irritated about the reader breaking the game? Stolen. No dragons though

For the sake of the nice comment you left on my storygame, I’ll give you an actual review and try to avoid calling you a retard as often as you deserve.

Your current writing ability does not meet the site’s standards. Unless you intend on getting banned, don’t publish any more storygames. If you want feedback, leave it on sneak preview and provide a link in the forums.

The writing feels childish and immature. An excessive amount of completely capitalized words and dramatic ellipses can work if you know what to do with them, but you clearly don’t, so I’d suggest attempting a more formal tone.

You say this is based off a video game. Those tend not to translate well across mediums. Write something suited for this site or read through examples of a video game being adapted into a story extremely well.

The first page. The player is seemingly in a blank room with a disembodied voice speaking at them. Adding quite literally anything would fix this. A description of the aforementioned room, a reaction from the player, a long internal monologue about the meaning of life, anything and likely everything would be better than what this currently is.

The first choice leads to an instant end game link. Add branching, or at the very least something like a description of the player exiting with their thoughts after realizing there is no game. First page end game links tend to be frowned upon when there’s no real need for them.

I could go line by line and correct every grammar or spelling error you made, but considering that would be a waste of my time, I’ll instead recommend you return to kindergarten.

The maze was absolutely pointless. It may work in a video game, but here, forcing players to click random links until they succeed is not in any way something considered fun. Delete it and add a logic puzzle or something along those lines.

Again, easter eggs in the form of items are pointless here, even if they may work in a video game. If you want something fun for the reader to catch, add a quick reference to a show.

Description is key. You can get people to enjoy a rather subpar storygame with it. Even a line or two about how the dragon’s fiery breath sears painfully at your skin, how confusion washes over your mind in a great wave at hearing the creator’s voice, would greatly improve this.

In all, it’s unsalvageable trash. Delete it before the admins do if you want to retain any semblance of decency, though I’m sure anyone who’s interacted with you already thinks you’re proof of the failings of natural selection.

Edit: Too late, he's been banned. I'll just hope he sees this as a guest.

He's not worth your time anyway.

I made the same mistake of wasting time on that retard. Might as well post my advice for his previous draft storygame here for future noobs/ in case he comes back smarter in a couple of years:

The storygame has an interesting premise, but what's written seems more like a draft than the final version.

If you just want to write a passable story, I guess it's alright. But if you want to write a spectacular story---shun those mediocre ratings of 4s and 5s---then here are a few starting tips I'll suggest. 

1. Paragraphs

One of the first things I noticed is the lack of paragraphs on most pages. Most readers here aren't intimidated by lots of text on a page. I'd suggest adding a bit more to each page, maybe combining a few, while adding more content as a whole. 

This could mean something like adding a scene after your first paragraph, where the protagonist enters his work place, has a conversation with a coworker about the case (and talks about his disdain for criminals), receives the files for Nathan Mscowl, then it transitions to the information about him. As it stands, you've barely touched upon the main character's personality before diving headfirst into the story's antagonist, leaving readers unable to relate to the protagonist and therefore care about much of the story's stakes.

2. Show, not tell

I know this advice is something of a cliche by now, but it's important especially for newer writers. Your first page reads more like a blurb or description of the storygame than the actual beginning. Don't just tell the reader that criminals steal from others and harm them, show us the protagonist comforting an old woman who is crumpled on the floor, buried in tear-soaked tissues, mourning the loss of her husband after he was found in his bedroom, bloodied and battered from defending their home in a violent robbery attempt. 

In a similar vein, the description of Nathan Mscowl would be more effective if shown rather than told. If you can use a flashback here, to a moment where the protagonist failed to stop him and witnessed the consequences of his failure first hand, we would care a lot more about stopping this criminal. Maybe he spoke to the man, was deceived by his seemingly nice personality, then plot twist, he turned out to be this vile murderer. Or perhaps he met the family of one of the victims, discovered dead from overdose, bled dry of their earnings, and decided he wanted to stop this man before he could harm anyone else. This leads me to my next advice.

3. Characterization

I like the way your protagonist has a unique viewpoint which influences his narrative and subsequent choices. He's cynical and believes death comes for all, which gives him a morally grey personality. But we're only given a glimpse of this. I suggest filtering every paragraph through your protagonist's lens and showing us why stopping this man means so much to him.

If possible, come up with the following for your protagonist:
Fear - what is he most afraid of? Why is this so frightening to him? Could also be his greatest weakness.
Desire - what does he want more than anything? Is there something in his backstory which made him desire this so strongly? This is his motivation for whatever he does throughout the story.
Misbelief - is there something wrong that the protagonist believes in wholeheartedly? This belief will be corrected by the end of the story. It is also the theme of your story.

I would also suggest making your protagonist's goals personal to him and tying it to his backstory. If there's a reason why he so badly wants to stop criminals---especially this criminal in particular---readers will care more about the choices they're presented with. 

Anyway, I have a lot more advice like avoiding white room syndrome, using story structures, and advanced techniques for writing better sentences, but this should be enough for now. I guess it also depends on how much effort you're willing to put into your story haha.

E: Might edit this at a later time to make the advice more general, but I'm traveling tomorrow so probably not.

yeah we get it you know a lot of words. show off.

>The maze was absolutely pointless. It may work in a video game, but here, forcing players to click random links until they succeed is not in any way something considered fun.

JJJ rolling over in his grave.

Now there's a throwback.

Hell even JJJ put in a "shortcut" to skip the maze if you stumbled around in it too long.

Mazes in IFs suck regardless though.

Well...
Now there's REALLY no game.

Y'all sure immediately piled seven comments onto this. How about doing that for a contest game?

 Well, my comment on his game was "Did not read.  Free point.", I try and do better for all contest stories.

Also my story-game is also one of the ones in need of 50 ratings if you guys can do that too. 

I'm about to go on a violent reading spree. If anyone has specific requests, let me know. The contest entries still in existence are already on my list

Well, if you don't mind a shameless plug, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my story :)

I don't know, seems like I might sense a bit of shame. I'll read it though