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Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 2/23/2023 1:00:29 PM

Typewritercat has again invoked the vitriolic hatred of every teenage girl in the vicinity while also being a teenage girl herself. Therefore she already had earned her rights of passage to be part of the mean girl faction. However in order to be the ultimate queen bee, one doesn't only have to have the skill to hurl insults to any regular teen or tween. No, one also has to have the right writing chops, the talent and the pizzazz. 

Tldr: Typewritercat has challenged all of the following people to a big writing duel to exert her dominance over them. May the nastiest cattiest teenage girl win or Petros. The assigned prompt will be something you all have lots of experience with, don't you worry. 

 @Antoinette390 @imadgalaxy: annoyance
 @stargirl @goodnight_a : love triangle
@petros @Typewritercat : backstabbing 
@Abgeofriends @fresh_out_the_oven : prom problems

The rules
The story must contain the prompt assigned to you.
The story has to be shorter than 2.000 words.
The story must be send to me @Darius_Conwright BEFORE 25th of february 23:59 EST
Not submitting any story before the deadline will earn you ridicule.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Okay, now let's complicate this a little more.

Stories will be posted anonymously and judged by both popular vote and a judge panel.

Judges will be Darius of course but also @WizzyCat and @Sherbet. Their vote counts twice, and they also get to each name an object or location that can be worked into the story for 2 bonus points each. (Ideally one that does not restrict the time period or setting too much.)

Additionally, I'd like them to decide among themselves which stories in each duel this round have the best dialogue. That will net their choices an additional 5 points regardless if they win the round overall.

Survivors of the first round get 15 points plus any bonuses, with the amount increasing for the next round.

It is my hope the judges will also leave a bit of commentary for everyone.

And commendations will be handed out for participation each round, unless I deem a story to be low effort crap not worthy of this noble competition.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

You trying to saddle me with more work eyyy, not gonna work unless @sherbet and @wizzycat agree to this math boogaloo.

In case those two are nuts enough to say yes, then here's my element you have to incorporate in your story.

The word: Green


Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
My time has come.

My optional object will be a fruit basket.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

My optional location is a port-a-potty.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

I have little experience of this 'love triangle' thing you speak of. I shall consult my bookshelf. It may be a type of cheese?

I'll do my best.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

The penalty for not doing your best will be ridicule for all eternity.  

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Take some comfort in knowing that I'm not even sure what a love triangle is. I'll look it up when I get home and am not on my school google account, just in case. 

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

I thought, "this better be a Trope Talk".

AND IT WAS. Yummy takes the first win in a thread they're not even participating in.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
It’s two people competing for the love of one person, and the numerous variations thereof

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago


Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

I just spent ten minutes writing what I thought was a great continuation of my already 1,000 words before I looked over it and realized that after the first two sentences I had started writing it in second person out of force of habit. To be honest, I've done that for a school assignment more than once and have had to redo parts of it five minutes before it was due. I find that whenever I get into a scene in my writing that I switch it to second person subconsciously because second person is most of what I write in my free time now. Don't know if any of the rest of you have that problem, but it's quite annoying. 

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
Oh yeah, I can't write in third person past tense at all anymore, and I used to consider that the default for fiction. Second present is the only thing that feels natural anymore and I'll slip back into it easily without realizing.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Thank you all for your submissions. Shame on @Antoinette390 @imadgalaxy and @Abgeofriends. 

I'll post the entries as soon as possible.


Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
I'm sorry :sob:

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Repent by reading the other entries and voting for one of them

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

I'm sorry, I got really sick and was wiped out for the last four days. This will never happen again... 

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Every female in the student body had her full attention focused on Darian Crown as he stepped into the cafeteria, bouquet of roses in his hands. The flowers could only mean one thing: one lucky girl was about to be asked to prom by the most popular guy in the entire school.

Darian’s promposal always came first; no girl would accept any others until they were sure Darian wasn’t going to ask them.

Single boys held their breath, praying that he wouldn’t ask the girl they’d secretly been crushing on for the whole year. Those who were lucky enough to have a girlfriend could only cross their fingers and hope she wasn’t who he asked. 

Darian’s perfect blue eyes scanned the tables, searching who he was going to declare as the winner of the prom date lottery. When he found her, his face lit up and he began to make his way in that direction.


This year, he didn’t go to the cheerleader’s table, or the dance team, or even where the varsity volleyball girls who weren’t involved in either usually sat. Every girl not in the direction Darian was heading began hotly debating who he was headed towards.


Some thought it would be Ava Maddix, a new junior who made the All State choir that year. Others were of the opinion that Thalia Pensieve, a freshman girl with jet black hair and charisma that caused nearly every guy in her class (and quite a few of the older ones) to be completely in love with her, would be granted this blessing.


No one, however, believed that Kiara Stanley, a stringy yellow-haired freshman with dwarfism, was Darian’s choice. Because no one guessed that it would be her, they were all wrong.


When he sat in the empty seat next to her, 2,394 (the number of females enrolled at Allenworth Academy, minus one) students lost their minds. The cafeteria had never been louder- it was filled with outraged screeches and the beginnings of year long rants.


However, the din soon quieted, and frenzied shouts gave way to subdued whispers.


“This has got to be a mistake,” said one hushed voice.

“He doesn’t know what he’s doing,” came another.


It wasn’t long before treacherous plans and tentative plots of sabotage fully replaced the shocked chaos that had reigned only moments before.

The cheer captain in particular was obsessed with the idea of tearing Darian away from “that little slut” (which is exclusively what she referred to Kiara as). She rallied all of the cheer team to her cause, and together they plotted a tragic accident to keep Kiara from being able to attend the dance.

This vengeful whirlwind went by the name Cassidy Batarain, and she’d been used to getting her way since elementary school, back when she would make people pay to have a sleepover with her. The fact that this ugly, misshapen girl was trying to get away with stealing her man was worse than a sin- it was grounds for the death sentence.

She wouldn’t go that far, though, unless it became completely necessary. Her plan consisted of, put concisely, shit. And a lot of it.

By popular demand, this year’s prom had an outdoor venue and picnic theme. This meant more adults hanging around to try and keep alcohol out of the dance, but (more importantly for Cassidy’s plan) it meant that the school had set up bright green porta potties by the entrance.

Cassidy and her squad spent the next month scheming, and of course getting their own prom dates. They all made sure that everyone had someone to go with, and that Cassidy’s date was the next best thing after Darian was gone: the star linebacker, Alex Campbell.

When the fateful day came, Cassidy made sure her whole squad was at the dance as soon as the gate opened. They waited by a particularly plentiful fruit basket like vultures getting ready to circle their prey.

Finally, Kiara arrived, but without Darian. Cassidy hesitated for a moment, then realized that this only made her sabotage attempt simpler- Darian wouldn’t get in the way. She confidently walked up to Kiara and put her arm around the smaller girl’s shoulders. “Hey, Kiara. Where’s Darian? I thought you two were coming to this together.”

She turned red. “Um, yeah. We were, but I didn’t want him to have to pick me up, so-”


“How nice of you,” Cassidy interrupted. “Hey, I’ve got a secret for you, but if you want to hear it, we’re gonna have to go somewhere private.”


“Oh, uh, sure, okay. Where?”


“Come with me.” Cassidy led Kiara over towards the temporary bathrooms, then went inside.


Kiara hesitated outside the door, but after Cassidy impatiently asked what she was waiting for, she stepped inside.


“Finally, you’re in here,” Cassidy said while rolling her eyes. “I thought you’d got cold feet for a second there.” She closed the door. “Okay, are you ready to hear my secret?”

Kiara nodded, stepping closer.


Cassidy leaned towards Kiara and whispered in her ear. “The secret is… that I think…” She put her hand on Kiara’s back. “You smell like shit!” With that, Cassidy shoved Kiara face first into the porta potty. “Oh no! You can’t go to the dance looking like that!” she said cruelly as Kiara shakily stood. Cassidy looked her over, then declared, “You know, green and brown really suits you.” She then cackled and swaggered back outside, where her crew was waiting. A very confused Darian stood with the cheerleaders in a ring around him, a dazed expression on his face.


Cassidy smiled at him and pulled him out of the circle, then wrapped her arms around him to slow dance.

Not knowing what else to do, Darian went along. “Where’s Kiara?


“Oh, don’t worry about her. She decided not to come.”

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

This is the entry of Fresh_out_the_oven, the other person Abgeoffriend flaked out. So it's actually an automatic win for her.  Here's my commentary anyways. 


  • Great usage of the port-a-potty. Love how you incorporate it in the plot. Green and the fruit basket are included too!
  • The ending did land for me, heheh. It was funny.
  • SPAG is okay enough for me, couldn’t find any during my first read.
  • I thought that it was kind of slow in introducing the main conflict of Cassidy vs Kiara. You already have not many words at your disposal, so it would have been more efficient if you saw Cassidy fawning over Darian immediately.
  • It was kind of written in 3th person omniscient which made me feel like it’s a western shoot-out at times. It is kind of funny though and probably the vibe you’re aiming for. The many names the reader is bombarded with actually didn’t detract from the story; it reminded me of the usual high school gossip, especially when people mention the given name plus their last name in one go.
  • I like some of the word choices: “this vengeful whirlwind went by the name Cassidy…” You really get the feel on her personality.
  • The dialogue is okay, nothing that’s very cringy or eye-catching.  
  • A solid entry. I like it.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 3/6/2023 9:39:09 PM

Thank you!

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

I really didn't think that this was fresh's entry. Safe to say, I am pleasantly surprised! First of all, I think the dialogue is pretty spot-on, it gives off classic high school movie vibes, which serves the story's purpose well. Clever inclusion of port-a-potties, I approve. The other two elements are included as well, so good on you.

Minor notes:

" “He doesn’t know what he’s doing,” came another. " sounds a little awkward. I would replace "came" with another dialogue tag. You could honestly re-use "said" even though you used it in the previous sentence, because I don't think that messes with the flow.

" “Oh no! You can’t go to the dance looking like that!” she said cruelly as Kiara shakily stood. " also sounds a little goofy. You could say "she said cruelly as Kiara stood, shaking" to serve the double purpose of better flow and emphasizing her distress.

" Kiara hesitated outside the door, but after Cassidy impatiently asked what she was waiting for, she stepped inside. " This is wordy, you could say "Kiara hesitated outside the door, until Cassidy impatiently asked what she was waiting for. She stepped inside." for a more sinister effect.

There are other minor issues, mainly with flow and comma usage, but overall it is a solid entry, and my critiques are all nitpicks. Well done fresh, you've got me anticipating your next round entry!

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
Yeah, just as a general rule you want to be sparing of -ly adverbs, they're easy to overuse and a bunch on "cruelly", "shakily", and so on can fall into the trap of telling instead of showing. (I'm not one to harp on the 'show vs tell' rule because it tends to get overused itself, but stronger verbs and more immediate actions are always going to be superior to tacking some adverbs onto a weak sentence as a crutch.

Shorter sentences also tend to pack more punch, editing is mainly the process of removing superfluous words that just lengthen them in a meandering way without adding any necessary info.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Thank you guys both so much! I appreciate the feedback, especially while I'm trying to proofread my contest entry. Glad you liked it!

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Story A-Typewritercat vs Petros


She did it all for her son.

Yes, that was Ilare’s justification. She had so much to live for.

The odor of stale air had grown unbearable. The stench permeated every inch of the airlock. There was no escaping it. It was nearly seventy hours they had been trapped here, the supply of oxygen dwindling with each passing hour, each greedy breath.

Fate was kind to Ilare, on this occasion at the least. Poring over the ship’s manual, thousands of pages, the print so miniscule she is forced to read with her nose pushed against the paper, it is by sheer luck she catches the brief mention of an emergency escape pod. It’s in the westernmost chamber, not far, reachable if good fortune was on her side.

Good fortune had never been on her side. If it had, she wouldn’t be here, wouldn’t have had to leave her young son. Still, there was nothing she could do about that but persist, simply hoping to return to him.

I won’t die in here. I promised my little boy that. I’ll do anything to get back to him. Anything.

Ilare casts a longing glance at her companions. One member of her family is here, her young sister Lira, nearing the age of fifteen. That was why she persisted so. If not for her son, then for her sister, who did not deserve to die.

There was the woman Ruska as well. Ilare had met her perhaps a week prior, but already felt twinges of warm empathy in her heart. The woman had been through much. Heavily pregnant, her husband disappearing, perhaps taken, without leaving a single strand of evidence, a shred of hope, for the poor woman to cling to.

Out of the forty-six who had boarded the ship, only two still lived, three, counting Ilare.

If God is out there, if His domain stretches across deep space, I pray He will spare me. Let me live to see my little boy one more time.

The faint hum of the spaceship’s engines incessant, plaguing all her thoughts with an endless background noise, she makes her way across the airlock to bring her comrades the good news.

“…way out.” Ilare’s voice, hoarse from disuse, comes out too soft, muffled completely by the endless hum of the ship. “There’s a way out.”

Lira gazes up at her, with the strange sort of despair only one who has witnessed too much at a young age can have. “This isn’t the end, sister?” Her unspoken words linger in the air, a haze of smoke clouding any sense of optimism.  I had already said my goodbyes, my last prayers. Shame on you. Why would you put me through that?

“Of course this isn’t the end! We’re going to survive, Lira, I’ve found the way.”

“There is no way.” She tilts her head in mockery. “If we leave, it’ll take us. It’s as simple as that.” Has she given up already? Could that be a sign it is inside her, taking over?

“You don’t know that. Is it better to die here, or take our chance at life?”

“I trust you, sister. I’ll take my chance at life, then.” She didn’t even think to ask what the way out was! It could really be the parasite, clouding her judgement as it chews its way through her brain.

“Ruska!” Ilare calls out, her voice echoing the name across the airlock in a faint harmony. Ruska, Ruska, Ruska…


 Cradling her swollen belly with one arm, as if she is trying to comfort her unborn baby, Ruska’s simple words hold too much hope. “I heard. You’ve found the way.” She listens, pays attention. The parasite, if it is in her, is not at her brain yet. Though this could mean she isn’t infected… so difficult to diagnose.


“Will you come with us?”


Ruska’s gaze drifts to the bulge in her stomach. It’s clear what she’s thinking, a mother’s instinct. She wants to save her unborn child, and will go to any length to do so.  She doesn’t respond to the question, doesn’t need to. Ilare knows she would answer yes.

That is that, then. I’ll be reunited with my little boy soon enough.

The sound of footsteps echoing in the empty halls is chilling, the hairs on the back of her neck rising like the defensive spikes of an animal under threat. The absence of sound is unnerving. There is only silence when danger is nearby.


Her knife, as long as her forearm and sharpened to deadly perfection, it is steady in her hand. A relic of ancient times, useless in most situations, but now the most reliable weapon she has… could dig a parasite out with it.


Ilare scans her surroundings as calmly as she can with Lira clinging to her in terror, Ruska following at her heels. She is the one with the weapon, and is obligated to lead, searching for thin spots of white, as thin as a hair. Parasites.

They’re the bane of deep space, invasive species, always searching for hosts. If given enough time, they can exterminate a population of billions. It has happened to many, and Ilare prays it will not happen to her.

Cutting them in two will only create another, and one can reproduce to hundreds after finding a suitable host. The host’s flesh is used as sustenance, and they take over the brain, controlling in a strange way, not quite falling into instinct, difficult to realize before it is too late.

Ilare watches the corners the most carefully, the edges of the ceilings, shadows, places where they are unlikely to be spotted. It may be working, as she cannot spot any. Does that mean there are none, or are they simply good at hiding?

She sees it then, perhaps twenty meters away, a disfigured hunk of a man, barely visible in the folding of shadows, blocking their path.

Eyes have sunk deep into his skull like deflated basketballs, unnaturally pale skin stretched across bone, lips pressed together in such a thin line Ilare cannot tell where they meet. That isn’t the part that sends the pale worm of terror writhing in her gut into a frenzy, though.

No, there is something in him, moving under his flesh, chewing through muscle and cracking bone in the process, sending spasms of pain jolting through his spine, making his movements jerky and erratic. The thing is as thick as her arm, and perhaps even longer, and it is inside him, moving underneath the flesh.

She gives herself ten seconds to watch him, compose herself, and then continue onwards. The life of her sister and the woman and an unborn baby, they all depend on her. I just want to see my little boy again, more than anything. I’ll do anything to see him again.

Ruska is sobbing uncontrollably, shaking as if an earthquake is rocking her from the inside, sneaking glances at the man, the host. Hopelessness, the black tune, it permeates all her actions. Erratic behavior, that could mean she’s infected!

“It’s fine, I doubt he’d harm us.” Lira says, the sound unnaturally loud after so much silence.

Ruska needs to get herself together! She’s going to be the death of us!

The worms moving under his flesh, they force his broken neck to turn, his moving corpse to face them. He is dead. His body just does not realize it.

There are so many of them, hundreds, perhaps. His flesh gone to nothing, filled only by the writhing forms, as long and thick as an arm, blood spilling from holes they have dug. He’s swollen, his stretched skin barely able to keep the writhing mass in as they multiply, so close to bursting out that Ilare walks faster.

His joints creaking as he takes a step towards them, the layers and layers of worms in his flesh jiggle, as if he is made from human jello. His abdomen is grotesquely bloated, filled with a green rot, flesh stretched to the point it is see-though, a mountain of white forms twisting inside his stomach.

Luck is not on Ilare’s side.

The sound of tearing, ripping through skin pulled too taut, and then parasites, spraying outwards in a rainstorm, a shower of blood and shattered bone and white worms. They're everywhere, splattering on Ilare’s cheeks, immediately trying to burrow inside her from any weak spot.

Heaving, she’s on the floor before she realizes it. Her whole body trembling as she retches, a wave of pain and disorientation going through her head, unbridled disgust turning her stomach inside out. It could be in me now. It could be in me! Another shock wave of pure revolution forcing its way through her in spasms, the maggots, white parasites squishing underneath her hands.

She’s running then, though she can’t remember telling herself to, the knife clasped tightly in her hand, Ruska and Lira following close behind, a storm of parasites still being ground into a white paste beneath her heels.


Escape pods in the distance, a ray of sunshine filtering through the darkness.

Ilare does not activate them quite yet, standing there for an instant to contemplate her next choice. The shower of parasites, the dead man, danger.

Is it in them, my sister and the woman? We were so exposed while fleeing to the airlock, it would have been so simple for it to take hold. If it’s in them, I can’t let them leave this place. That would endanger all of humanity, including my little boy.


I could be infected too.


Would it be the wrong decision for us to return to society?


I don’t want to die. I just want to see my son again.

In a flash of steel, she angles the knife in her right hand towards Lira. “Step back. Now.”

“Sister? I don’t understand, why are you…” The realization hits her. “You’re infected. That’s why you’re doing this.”


“If you don’t want to fucking die right now, you’re going to step back.” Ilare’s words take on a darker tone, and she spits them out as if they taste bitter. Turning to Ruska, “You do the same.”

Ruska doesn’t budge, tears beginning to spill from her eyes. “Why, Ilare? Why?”


“I’m not going to tell you again, step back before I carve the fucking baby from your belly!” Taking a deep breath, Ilare steps into the pod, still keeping the knife angled towards them. “I’m going to live, don’t you see it? You two, you could easily be infected. You’d only endanger me, along with all of humanity!”

“Why do you deserve to live more than we do?” Lira whispers. “You’re equally likely to be infected.”

For my son. I’ll do anything to see my little boy again. She leaves those words unsaid, only presses the button that slides a pane of glass between them, locking her into the pod, dooming Lira and Ruska to death, presses the eject button in the same instant as tears begin to flow from her eyes.

She feels it then, sees it a moment after. The thin worm, under the skin of her left arm, crawling through her flesh in a burst of pain. Without thinking, she draws the point of the knife over the skin, a thin trail of blood appearing in its wake, soon followed by a flailing white parasite falling out, crushed under her heel.

Where there is one, there are many.

God, if you’re out there, spare me. Please.

The pod ejects into the void of deep space. Ilare sees the stars, a universe of opportunity before her. It does not help. She can feel the judging eyes of Lira on her, almost hear Ruska’s racking sobs.


I just want to see my little boy again. I don’t care what it takes, I don’t care who I’m putting at risk. I’m going to get to my son again or die trying.


Yes, she did it all for her son.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Story B - Typewritercat vs Petros

Family business

I waited in the overheated, green port-a-potty on landing platform sixteen. My legs were beginning to fall asleep, and the heat was beginning to make me drowsy. I took out my implant control pad and set my neuramesh implants to send out a pain signal every fifteen minutes to make sure I stayed awake. Galatea V certainly wasn’t a lively planet so far, so I’d need all the help I could get.

Abruptly, the deafening roar of a ship’s landing thrusters ripped through my consciousness and rattled the port-a-potty violently. I jumped to my feet, slammed the lid down on the toilet seat, and stood on the rim so I could see out of the vent on the side. My hand instinctively rested on the pulse pistol at my thigh.

I watched as the boarding ramp lowered from the underside of the spaceship, and my brother, Julian, walked off with a briefcase. As was usually the case when he came back from an expedition, his clothes were ratty and dirty, and his face had the beginnings of a beard. A sharp pain all over my body reminded me of the neuramesh, so I turned it off and watched.

Soon enough, she came in view. Cindy was a local girl that had a fling with Julian about two months prior. My brother was thirty-two, making her exactly half his age at sixteen. Unlike most of the girls he had seduced in his travels, Cindy quickly earned my respect. I recalled the conversation with a smile while the two of them schmoozed on the landing platform.

It was just about a month ago when I got a call on my personal line from a number I didn’t know. Cindy introduced herself and asked to meet me. Not wanting to be on unfamiliar ground, I sent a couple of bodyguards to pick her up and bring her to my apartment. After all, there is no such thing as too cautious.

When she got there, her appearance certainly didn’t impress me. She seemed like an average brunette girl dying her hair blonde to garner a little more male attention. I got the distinct impression that her concealer was hiding more acne scars than freckles. She certainly didn’t give the impression of any significant intellectual depth, but there was the fact that she somehow knew my personal, unlisted contact number, so I kept a small pistol strapped to my thigh underneath my skirt.

“Hello, Ms. Thomas,” she said approaching me. Her voice was high and breathy.

“Hello, Cindy Friar,” I responded. “What do you want from me?”

She smiled. “I think I actually have something you want.”

I couldn’t help but admire Cindy’s negotiation style, but I refused to show any amusement on my face, instead keeping a bored expression. “Well, are you going to keep me waiting? I assume this has something to do with Julian based on your age and sex.”

She sat down at my dinner table and started helping herself to the contents of my fruit basket. “Yeah, he was trying to pick me up in the mall, and normally I don’t go for that kind of thing, but he started bragging about how rich he was, so I got a whiff of opportunity.”

I smirked. “I’m surprised that lamebrain brother of mine has any money left at all with how much of each paycheck he blows on bedding underage girls.”

She gave me a meaningful glance. “You’re right to be suspicious about his finances.”

“What do you mean?”

“What if I told you that I have evidence of Julian’s financial misconduct?”

I cocked an eyebrow. “What kind of evidence?”

Cindy clucked her tongue. “Not so fast, sister. This is the end of the free preview. If you want the info, you’ve got to give me some kind of incentive.”

I broke out into a full grin. This girl was cutthroat. She reminded me of me. “What did you have in mind?”

Cindy tilted back in her chair and put a finger to her chin, pantomiming as though she hadn’t considered it before. “It seems to me that I remember that your father owns a substantial artifact smuggling empire.”

I nodded.

“Julian bragged that he was in line to inherit the empire even though he was younger than you because your father thought it should pass to a male.”

I nodded again.

“Well,” she started, dropping a grape in her mouth. “If I know the kind of person you are, you don’t plan to let Julian cheat you and your family and get away scot free.”

I nodded again. “You’re right. I do plan to kill him. How did you come to that conclusion?”

She smiled. “I don’t know of any other way to become your father’s sole heir, but there is another reason. Your hand keeps resting at your thigh whenever I mention him. Looks like you might be carrying a gun under your skirt.”

I tried not to look surprised, but this girl was good, too good.“I am, but let’s get back on track. What do you want.”

“Simple,” she said. “I never want to have to work again in my life, and you’re going to finance that dream with your inheritance. Obviously, that’s not really something you pay upfront, so for right now, I’m just asking for a little bit of collateral. I need something that’s really gonna make your life worse if you don’t have it.”

After a moment’s thought, I slid my family’s signet ring off my hand and gave it to Cindy. She held it up to the light with her eyebrow raised. I anticipated her question and answered. “That’s my family signet ring. With it, you could easily call in political favors on my behalf, provided you know who to ask. More importantly, without it, I will be unable to conduct family business. Our contacts are very suspicious people.” I stared at her with as much intensity as I could manage. “Is that sufficient?”

She grinned as she clasped it tightly in her fist. “Of course it is, Marigold Thomas.”

“You call me that again, and I’ll rip your tongue out of your cheeky, filthy mouth.”

Cindy just kept smiling and reached for an apple.

She briefed me on the nature of Julian’s wrongdoing, and I came up with a plan. He had apparently bragged about keeping some relics and reporting them ‘lost’ or ‘stolen’ when they weren’t too hot for him to sell on his own. At my request, Julian was sent on a retrieval mission and was told to bring the artifact here at Galatea V to sell it.

That brings me back to when I was hiding in the port-a-potty, waiting for them to stop lollygagging on the platform. Just when I couldn’t take anymore, Cindy started leading Julian off the platform. I sighed with relief. She was taking him to an abandoned apartment building where I could kill him without jeopardizing the mission with witnesses.

Once they were just little specks merging in with the sea of people milling about in the city center, I flung open the door to the port-a-potty. Luckily, Cindy had given me the address, and I had taken it upon myself to familiarize myself with the area as best as I could.

I had killed people before, of course. My first was when I was fifteen and a few twenty-somethings tried to force themselves on me. Since then, there had been several firefights, and one customs agent who decided to search my bag more closely than he should. In each one of those instances, the action was quick, adrenaline fueled, and more instinct than decision.

This was different. The planning, deceit, and stalking all worked to make my stomach queasy. There was something about knowing days ahead of time that I was going to kill somebody without them having any idea.

These thoughts dominated my head as I approached the tall, brutalist structure that was to be the scene of the crime. I counted the doors until I found the room: 137. Cindy and I had agreed that she would start talking to Julian about the future of their relationship to distract and confuse him, so the confidence of having a well-built plan filled me as I stood at the door and breathed.

I pulled out my pulse pistol and opened the door. As soon as I saw my brother, I leveled the pistol at his chest.

“Julian! It’s over now!”

To his credit, he did sprint to the couch, flipping it over with Cindy on it so I couldn’t shoot her from that angle.

“Don’t worry about her Julian,” I said with a smirk. “She’s the one who put me on your trail.”

Julian’s fingers were twitching rapidly. “You don’t have any evidence on me!”

“Not yet,” I said. “But I would bet that your accountant has something he would like to explain we’re his life or family threatened.”

“You never change Mary. Can’t you see that you’re evil. Killing your brother in cold blood? What you’re doing is wrong.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re one to talk. And anyway, right and wrong are the prerogative of the poor, unimportant, and religious.”

“It’s not about money or God. It’s about— Gah!”

You interrupted him with a small plasma explosion to the chest, killing him instantly. You kept the gun aimed at where Julian’s chest originally was. After the shot, Cindy slowly stood to her feet from behind the overturned couch. Her eyes stared at Julian’s corpse nearly starting from their sockets.

“I always hated it when he tried to moralize,” I said.

“Well, guess he won’t be moralizing any more,” she said with a nervous laugh.

“Guess not,” I said. I quickly turned the gun on her and shot her in the stomach. She spun and hit the ground with a thud.

I ran over and quickly knelt down, turning her body over so I could see her face. Her lips flexed over and over. I wasn’t the greatest at lip reading, so it took me a minute to catch what she was saying.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

There was a stab of sorrow in my chest as I watched her life draining from her body, the once proud girl made so pathetic from the pain and imminence of death. I caressed her face with my hand.

“I’m sorry Cindy. You mad yourself a threat, so I killed you. If there’s an afterlife, then maybe you’ll have the satisfaction of seeing me burn in hell, but while I’m here, I do what I have to.”

I’m not sure if she understood or not, because just then, she grit her teeth and started writhing in pain. I stood to my feet, leveled my pulse pistol at her forehead, and fired. Her head blew apart at the front, spattering me with blood and various chunks and liquids.

I reached into her jeans pocket and took my signet ring. I gazed at the serpent staring back, open mouthed at me. I put the ring on my finger, chuckling at my moment’s sentimentality and walked out.

There was no time to dawdle. After all, I had an accountant to kidnap.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
Commended by Sherbet on 4/20/2023 7:44:15 PM

Story A

  • No port-a-pottys, flower baskets and the word green. Shame.
  • Good job on setting the tone so well and especially the desperation of the mother. I was really hooked on it. The way you used the parasites to emphasize on her paranoia is really cool as well and the way how it infiltrates every thought process she made.
  • The ending made it also pretty ambiguous whether her betrayal is influenced by the parasite or by her. Plus I like that you added lots of moral conflict into your story which makes the betrayal hit a lot harder. (Going back to the space colony with parasites in you would be quite a future disaster)
  • So far no SPAG issues detected during my first read.
  • BTW. Ilare and Lira. The names are so similar to each other that I often mixed them up during my read, would have been better to make them a little more distinct from each other.
  • I do find the other pregnant character a little unnecessary to the overall story, she didn’t add much to the drama and the main conflict would have been between Ilare and Lira anyways.
  • A very good entry!

Story B

  • All three elements are in the story!
  • I did like the end dialogue exchange between the brother and the sister quite a lot. “Well, guess he won’t be moralizing anymore.” It made me chuckle a bit. So it does get my vote on the best dialogue.
  • I don’t know whether this was your intention, but Mary seems to be very cold-blooded. Almost zero emotions at all.
  • The pacing was one of the better ones that I’ve seen.
  • I do like the fact that the Cindy’s death was already a little hinted at when Mary remarked that the girl was too smart for her own good. “but this girl was good, too good.” Nice detail.
  • Some little misspellings detected and some mix-up with tenses but nothing glaring.
  • A very good entry too!

Both of your entries were very nice, but if it comes down to my personal enjoyment, then I would crown Story A as the winner. It had the kind of themes and narrative that made me ponder about it a little more than usual which is I guess a good thing.  However, the one who gets my vote as the one with the best dialogue is that of story B

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Story A had a more interesting plot and premise, but there were too many "descriptions" and such stuff for my broken brain. So, while I prefer the overall plot and the setting of Story A...

Story B was written in a much more (to me) entertaining way, with great pacing, absolutely no wasted words, and a badass protagonist that doesn't fuck around. Also, it got bonus points for the Ephebophilia.

I think I'll vote for story B in the end.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
Commended by Sherbet on 4/20/2023 7:44:22 PM

Hey, better late than never, right?

Story A

Alright, starting with the first story. Right off the bat, I notice some issues with tenses, switching between past and present a few times. The tense usage gets more consistent after the first chunk, and it’s relatively minor, but still makes the opening a bit jarring.

I like this story, it seems like a smaller part of something much bigger due to the main character motive. It’s a strong motive, and on a related note, I do disagree with the feedback Darius had about the pregnant character. Hitting that eject button on her feels especially brutal and helps to show how far Ilare will go.

The dialogue wasn’t bad, but nothing too fancy either. I’m mostly neutral on it, but I’ll say that it does its job well enough, particularly the last bit. The betrayal felt properly emotional, with the characters getting their shock and dismay across nicely.

Story B

Kudos to the writer for including the bonus elements.

This one is good, I enjoy the pacing and the plot is pretty interesting. The writing is fine and, to be honest, there’s no way I can’t award this one the dialogue bonus. There’s a lot more dialogue in this story than Story A, much of it helping to establish the nature of the characters, while Story A primarily used thoughts and actions.

There are errors here and there, such as simple spelling mistakes and incorrect punctuation. It’s nothing major and not of great quantity, but this one would have definitely benefitted from an extra round of proofreading.

It’s a bit of a shame that Cindy died (and the protagonist even agrees with me!) but I get it. Marigold is a cold killer with loyalties few and far between. That point is laid out very clearly and very nicely.

I will give the dialogue bonus to Story B. However, I am going to cast my vote to Story A. Both of these were fun and enjoyable. Good work to both of you!

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Both of these entries were really good and I enjoyed reading them.

Story A: Loved the tension built through this story. the moral dilemma seemed to add to this.

Story B:Entertaining story with good dialogue and fun to read

Overall, it's close but I vote for Story A to be the winner.  The build up of tension before the backstabbing moment really worked for me.  Story B was really good, also.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
Commended by Sherbet on 4/20/2023 7:44:03 PM

Congrats to both contestants! This was the closest round by far, and I enjoyed both stories thoroughly. Kind of surprised that we ended up with two sci-fi entries, but that's just my cup of tea anyway. Of course, we can't leave it at a congratulation, so let's dig a little deeper.

Story A: Only used the word green, no portable toilet or fruit basket in sight. There were also some goofy tense changes, in multiple places. On the bright side, SPAG errors were negligible. The tension and build-up in this story was palpable: I was hooked like a crackhead. The main character's descent into infection and insanity was very well-written, and I like the progression of thoughts, slowly turning from a compelling source of empathy for Ilare, to a troubling sign of mental distress. The imagery was also well done, leaving me spooked and uncomfortable. Overall, the writer did a great job with the tone here, although the dialogue is sparse. Now, this serves a thematic purpose, since all the characters are trying to remain quiet, and there really isn't much to discuss, but it's worth noting.

Story B: All three bonuses included, well done! I enjoyed the in media res formatting of this story, especially because it's a fairly uncommon device in writing. The writing in this story is fraught with a couple more typos (the sentence about Julian flipping the couch stands out as the sloppiest), but at least the tense is consistent--almost... The characterization and dialogue here is great though, and we get a clear picture of all three characters. I liked Mary pondering the killing of her brother: she's not bothered by the fact that she's killing her brother, but rather by the fact that it's her first premeditated killing! What a milestone that is, I still remember my first.

In conclusion, Story B gets the bonus points, and the dialogue point, but Story A takes the win, captivating me with some well-written creepy shit.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
2 very different styles of writing here. A had a descriptive, melodical pace that drove the atmosphere of the story pretty well. B was more concise and straightforward for more story progression, IMO.

A felt more polished, overall, though. I'd have to give it to A for reading enjoyment.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
Just a heads up to the voters, a seperate thread was made for Stargirl vs goodnight.

Imad and Antoinette were both flakes, sad. They hated each other but not enough to spend an hour writing to put the other in their place.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

How long will the voting period last? 24 hours? A week? I'm just curious. 

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
Up to Darius, but I'd recommend extending it a few days due to the number of people in panic mode on the contest and to give a chance for more feedback to trickle in.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Probably sometime after the contest

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

@Sherbet @WizzyCat

You got yourself roped into this headache and made me put in way too much effort than I wanted to for this tournament. Chop, chop, it's time to start reading and judging. Based on the recent contest entry results, you all are way more qualified than me to pick out the shiniest thurd anyways.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Alright the results of the highly anticipated fight between Petros and Typecat. Both stories are great reads, but only one can be the winner.

Petros' family business gets the title of the best dialogue of the two, but.....

Typecat's story parasite has won. Congrats!!! As for Petros, he has been beaten black and blue by a teenage girl, twice now.



Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Nice work all of you.

I liked the parasite story better so I am glad that one won.  But it would have been incredibly funny for Petros to be competing to be the top teen girl.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/13/2023 11:42:49 AM

I'm here to claim my comm, and laugh at Petros while doing so.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/13/2023 11:43:13 AM
Darn. Another failure

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

I'll let you all cope and seethe a bit before I make a new thread for the finale. This time there are three fighters: Fresh, Typecat and Stargirl who will duke it out to decide who will be ultimate CYS queen bee.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

May the odds be ever in your favor.

Cat fight boogaloo - writing tournament

one year ago

Good luck.

You'll need it.