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The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
The crowds had taken to cannibalizing each other. It all started when a deranged black man in a jester suit took a wrench to a wholesome Mormon girl's skull after declaring she smelled like shrimp, but the idea caught on and everyone who survived the ensuing chaos began overheating engines out in the parking lot for lack of proper grills. This would certainly be a PR disaster for the arena; the audience had been trapped on location for over a week before resorting to this desperate measure. Everything had at first seemed to be proceeding on the usual course, with the contestants arriving early; perhaps even a bit TOO early, as the Thunderdome was closed that weekend while it underwent the annual vacuuming for spooky ghosts. Darius and Ace had been told to enjoy the refreshments, but Ace indulged a bit too freely and, two smoked turkey legs in each hand, became wedged in the exit gates on the way to his hotel. While workers slathered his flesh in industrial sized vats of lard to help pry him loose, it took some time to notice that in the chaos, Darius had slipped and fallen. Too weak to stand up again under his own power, he had apparently slithered bonelessly down a storm drain, and sending search crews down had taken up the remainder of the week. It was obvious some points of the arena would have to be redesigned to take the special needs of its variety of unique challengers into account. (An emergency exit would also be useful.) But the translucent noodle man and the feral lard beast had at last been successfully retrieved and carried to the arena in cages; it was the arena staff's hope that releasing them to do violence upon each other would distract the maddened crowd from their own bloody course. The bell sounded; time would tell if it did any good.

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
Story A: Isaac roamed the streets, starving. His thoughts drifted to his parents, they had it worse than he did. And so he continued on, searching for food. The twelve year old boy eventually laid his eyes upon a group of missionaries. And as they looked at him, they smiled. Maybe he'd be able to get some food out of them. "Ah, you look like a hungry one." For some reason as the missionary smiled at him, he felt a twisted feeling. His face looked... wrong somehow. But that didn't deter Isaac any. "Please sir, my parents are starving. I beg you, help me," he bowed to the man. The missionary reached into his pack and handed Isaac a small loaf of bread. "Eat first, then we'll take you back to the temple and give you some supplies for your parents." As Isaac scarfed down the loaf of bread, he was overjoyed. He couldn't believe his luck! Whatever god they worshiped, he'd gladly follow it for this. But the loaf tasted strange, and flames started to roar in his insides. He tried to scream, but his tongue didn't work. The world spun around him, and everything went black. ----- Isaac awoke to the cold, blistering wind cutting through him. Then, pain. He went to scream again, and as he did his throat felt as if it was going to rip open. The dryness was unbearable, worse than when he got lost in the desert. Memories flashed to him, memories of that trip, memories of his brother. Of his brother falling into the sand pit. He pushed them back for now, but the delirium started to form images in his head. After what felt like hours, laying on the ground, his throat cracked and bleeding, he heard a sound. The crackle of a door swinging open. It felt so distant to him, lost in delirium. Soon, hands grabbed him, forcing a liquid into his mouth. He almost spat it up, it tasted so disgusting. But at that point, liquid was liquid, poison or not. It made him feel stronger, more lucid. He gulped down every cup the stranger gave him, too fast, opening the wounds in his throat wider. But he didn't care. A few days later he gained the strength to open his eyes and sit up. Looking around, he saw he was in a small cage. Even if he had the strength, there wasn't space to stand up. Outside his cage he saw rows and rows of other cages, full of children. And he noticed that they all wore the small identical brown strap of cloth, barely giving them any modesty. Looking down, he saw that he was wearing the same. And he saw the cuts. There must've been hundreds of them, deliberately carved, like the marking in his dad's wooden statues. They hurt, but it was the same dull throbbing he'd become accustomed to at this point. The sight of them frightened him more than anything. He went to scream, but as he started he became aware of his throat. So instead, he laid on the floor of his cell. And cried. ---- A week later and his pain had become more manageable. He saw the liquid they were feeding him now, a black, slimy substance. They never fed him, and he was never hungry, so he assumed that it functioned as both a meal and a drink. As he consumed it over days, he started to notice the effects. The cuts all over his body didn't scab over with blood, instead oozing a black substance that eventually went on to seal the wound together completely. Not just closing it, but leaving a black mark in his skin where the cut had been. And the throbbing became worse, but he felt like he could cope with it better now. He had no idea if that was an effect of the black liquid or if he was just stronger now. One day, they pulled him out. His legs buckled, falling to the floor, but they grabbed him and dragged him back to his feet. As he was dragged through the hallway, he took the time to look at the cages. There must've been hundreds of them, three stacked on top of each other on both walls. The room extended for what felt like forever, and Isaac was surprised at the scale of it all. Looking at a few of them, some of them had the same cuts as him, some had different cuts, and some had no cuts at all. Some of them had cuts of different colors, from yellow to red. Though as much as he looked he saw no blue. The thought struck him as interesting, but as he mused he snapped back to reality. Why was he fixating on the particulars of the cuts, examining these humans like they were nothing more than pets in cages. It should sicken him, but he found it hard to feel anything. Except when he looked at his captors. Upon seeing them, he had to fight with all he had to keep himself from throwing himself at them. He quelled his anger with a single promise. Soon. As he was taken away from the cells, he was led through multiple hallways until he reached a room. The guards threw him inside and men with scientist robes grabbed ahold of him. First they stripped him of his rags, and then they strapped him down to a table. He struggled, but it was no use, his bounds held tight. They examined him, making extra incisions with their scapples, muttering about mistakes. After what felt like an eternity they left him, making notes on a table in front of him. "After the subject's wounds fortify, we can proceed. The other subjects should be ready by then." The other scientist nodded, "Good, what's its number?" "6489," the first scientist replies, not looking up from his papers. With a nod the first scientist walks back over to him, scapple in hand, and begins to carve into his forehead. He couldn't see at the time, but a few days later he managed to catch a glimpse of it in the reflection of a puddle in his cell. 6489. ---- 6489 was led from his cell. It could've been more than two weeks since his meeting with the scientists, but the incisions in his skin were just like the rest. Completely healed. He barely spared a glance at the others now. Since he regained his strength he watched them a lot. The screaming was deafening to a sane person, but was he even sane? Was the delirious him more sane than his current numb state? The numb state who knew logically that he might die today, but still barely felt a thing? Eventually 6489 reached a large room, with a circle inscribed into the ground. Ten scientists, 6 other prisoners, and 5 guards stood there, including the guards who brought him. They cut off his clothing and shoved him into the circle with the other naked prisoners. They didn't step into the circle themselves, but they instructed 6489 where to go, and he cooperated. What’s the point in resisting? They told him to get into the middle, and so he did, the six other prisoners in positions on the outer parts. Before he could understand what was happening, a golden rod pierced his chest. He looked down in shock, and turned behind him to see one of the guards holding a crossbow like contraption. The pain seared him from the inside out. His screams pierced the air like a demon, which was ironic, because it was his blood that made the circle come to life. The other six prisoners fell to the ground, writhing in agony. 6489 somehow kept on his feet, despite it all. Horrors blinked in and out of reality in front of his eyes. Chaos erupted around him. His senses stopped making sense, his life flashed before his eyes. His brother's death, his mother's illness, his father's injury. Without him, his parents had likely joined his brother. And it was all their fault, the fault of whatever sick organization did this to him. But he didn't believe that. It was his fault, his weakness, that killed them. Suddenly, it all stopped. The chaos, his vision, all of it. Black enveloped him, and as he looked in all directions, there was nothing. Nothing but him. Then, she appeared. A woman, horrific and misshapen. Her features corrected themselves, until she resembled a form that was almost human, save some features like her horns or fangs. And her eyes. As he stared into them, his soul trembled. She smiled at him, "Hello boy. I've been waiting for you." He went to speak, but his voice didn't work. "I've come to offer you a deal," she says. "Join me, and I'll give you the power to save yourself from this hell. And seek retribution." His mind swims with thoughts. He realizes that there's no pain here, and that he can think clearly. And he realizes this is the first time he's thought clearly in a long time. "So, here's your choice. If you let me, I'll grant you power, but you will live in absolute agony. The pain will be unbearable, and you will be irredeemable. But you will be strong. Or, you can rest. No more pain, no more suffering. It's what a tiny child like you deserves. You can die a victim, morally pure." And finally, he found his voice, "Weakness is no virtue. Come, join me." She smiles, "Well, I guess child is inappropriate now. Well said Isaac, I accept these words as a contract of our souls. Let us return." And with her words, he appeared back in the room, golden rod still through his chest, but the flesh around it had completely healed. Pain shot through him again, and he nearly fell to the floor. But he didn't, a new found resolve flowing through his veins. Isaac looked around the room. Ten scientists, five guards. Horror spread across their faces and a smile crept across his. And with his newfound voice, he did not scream. He laughed.

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
Story B: The Whispers of the Sea I tightened my shaky grip on the seashell in my hand, knowing that Chris's return hinged on this one throw and plea. Mum would raise hell if she were to find out that I sneaked off and went to the beach, but I was the only one who could complete this perilous quest of getting Chris back. As I raised my hand, the wind blew up in gales. Its unrelenting coldness pierced through my thick jacket and into my bones. Just before my feet, the sea rumbled. The monster was about to awaken. Waves twice the size of Dad rose and slammed onto the shore. Its deafening roar made me stumble back. The seashell grew colder and wetter in my hand. As much as I wanted to retreat to the safety of home, I couldn't abandon Chris as I did three weeks ago. That day she planned to slay the Waddenduvel, an ancient monster that terrorized the beach with its vicious temper and hunger for human souls. Back then, I planned to bring my super special seashell for this quest, but Mum didn't let me go. I listened to her and stayed home, like a craven coward. However, this time I'll show my eternal wrath and hatred to the sea. No longer am I that stupid scared little Eli. I'll be Eli the Brave and the one who'll save Chris from the clutches of the sea monster. I mustered all my strength and tossed the seashell into the sea. "Show thyself you monster and give Chris back!" I raised my voice. As expected, it was still lurking beneath the murky water, waiting for the best opportunity to strike, but I couldn't be deterred. "Thou cannot hide anymore from the all-seeing eye of judgment. I know where you are." "Quite a magnificent speech, kiddo." My shoulders jolted as I felt a cold hand on my back. I turned to see Uncle Ben standing right behind me. After three months I thought that Uncle Ben would have changed a lot more, but he still looked like the same Uncle Ben who smelt like smoke and leather, had thinning hair, talked with big words, and was a literal walking encyclopedia of everything and anything. "Mum said that I'm not allowed to speak to you." "Well, aren't you having a profound conversation with me?" I shuffled my feet. To be fair, if Mum found out I was here in the first place, I would certainly get grounded for at least a hundred years. All things considered, talking to Uncle Ben would be a small grain of sand compared to the dune of rules I'd broken already. It felt wrong to talk to Uncle Ben, but it also felt wrong to just ignore him. "I guess so." "To be frank, I never expected you to even come here, but perhaps it's due to the Lord's intervention that our paths crossed." Uncle Ben shrugged while carrying an apologetic smile. His gaze went back to the roaring sea. "You came to save that dear friend of yours, didn't you?" He said. "I also heard a similar story from the other villagers. They said that little Christina Smit had drowned while playing in the sea at night and that her alcoholic parents' negligence led to her disappearance, but you don't think this was what had truly happened. A true monster must have taken her. Am I mistaken?" My throat tightened. I ducked my head and nodded. He must have heard everything I'd said earlier. It hurt to even breathe. I braced myself for a scathing remark on his side. How often did Dad, Mum, and all these stupid adults in uniforms say to start acting serious and stop spinning all these false tales about monsters and unicorns? I balled my hands into fists, seeing nothing but red when thinking about their words filled with contempt, pity, and disbelief. "I'm not lying." Uncle Ben sighed and scratched his chin. "I know." My mouth fell open. I whipped my head in his direction. At once, that boiling frustration was swept away and dissipated under the sound of the crashing waves and the rising tides. My eyes widened. "What?" "Don't act all surprised. I've both known you two since you were in diapers." There was a faint glint in his eyes as he grimaced. "Christina is incredible, isn't she? At all times she keeps her eyes on her younger brother and sister and constantly is worrying about them. Despite her unstable home life she still puts up a brave face as if nothing could faze her and at such a young age too. She wouldn't be the type to just keel over and drown." Somehow his affirming words, the crinkle in his eyes, and the patient tone in his voice were enough to break the dam and open the floodgate of words. "Chris was mad when I told her I didn't want to go to fight the sea monster. She went to the beach all by herself." My eyes stung as I kicked up the wet sand. Some of it flew so high that it landed inside my boot, but I didn't care. I had to scream, I had to yell it out of the top of my lungs, or otherwise, that gnawing feeling would have swallowed me alive. "Chris was right. I'm a dirty coward and a bad friend. If I'd come, the sea monster definitely wouldn't have taken her. I could've kicked its butt and smacked it around and beat it up till it would never come to the beach anymore, but……" But I didn't. Uncle Ben knelt down. His gentle hand ruffled my hair like he used to do before he and Mum had a dumb fight over some old video tapes and I wasn’t allowed to talk to him anymore. "Not everyone can be a shining lighthouse in the midst of a stormy sea. Chris is a brave and tough child and I've just gotten the news that she has defeated the sea monster. So there's no reason to worry or cry." "I'm not crying." I hiccupped as I wiped off my tears. "Wait, are you telling the truth? Is the monster really gone?" A pregnant pause. He then nodded. "Are you sure?" "I'm certain," He said. "Are you really sure?" "Yes." "Are you really super-duper sure?" "The Waddenduvel's gone." He snapped. I could've been mistaken, but Uncle Ben's brow slightly furrowed as I heard a certain tenseness in his voice. It lasted for just a brief moment before his expression softened again. "Chris told me that it was a tough fight, but she's on her way back home as we speak." "How do you even know?" I said while I sniffled. Uncle Ben leaned closer. The smell of smoke and leather grew so strong that I stumbled back a little. He took my balled fist and slowly unfolded it. I looked down to see him placing a red woven leather bracelet with a seashell charm on the palm of my hand. It felt soft and supple to the touch. "It's a special lucky charm I made." He stood up after ruffling my hair again. I looked up, standing on my tippy toes to catch a glimpse of his expression. His eyes were still fixed on the waves crashing on the spiky rocks of the coast as if he was waiting for Chris to victoriously walk out of the water at any moment. "With this, you and your friend would always stay connected no matter how far apart you are. If you place the seashell on your ear, you will hear the whispers of the sea." I did as he instructed and squinted my eyes, trying to catch any sound coming out of the seashell. "It's not working." "You have to hold it very close to you at all times in order for the charm to activate. Do make sure that everything we'd just talked out remains between you, me, and the sea." He said as he raised his head to gaze upon the red and purple sky. "It's getting late." There were still so many questions left hanging on my tongue, waiting to be blurted out. When will Chris come back? Why did she talk to Uncle Ben and not me? Will she ever forgive me? Never in my life did I wish for a way to stop time permanently so that I could talk to Uncle Ben just a tad bit longer. I felt his hand resting on my shoulder. "It's time for you to go home." Then, all of a sudden, as I spared one last look at the unfeeling sea, my eyes caught something glistening just above the waves. Its pearly white surface shone under the evening sun. The whispers of the sea, I now knew what he meant by that. I could finally hear it. "Kiddo?" Without thinking, I shook off Uncle Ben's hand and bolted into the water. What I saw, was just a mere glimpse, something that would be pushed to the back of the mind to be forgotten. "Eli?" The past cowardly me would have done exactly and let it go, but the current me held onto it for dear life. This time I'll be Eli the Fearless and the Brave. I won't be the one who would run away anymore, I'll be the one to charge headfirst without any hesitation. "Elizabeth, what the hell are you doing?" The whispers that had swept my mind blank turned into a whirlpool of voices, an entire cacophony that would destroy all my lingering doubts and trepidation. The sea's roars turned Uncle Ben's curses, shouts, and splashes into mere whispers. My heart kept thrumming as I waded through the murky waters, soaking my pants and the lower half of my jacket. Every gasp, every breath felt as if it would be my last one. Just one more push. Time slowed down and came to a halt. Immediately the rank smell hit me. It was sweetish and cloying, but rancid like a block of rotten soap. My hand remained stuck on that cold marble-like surface. Every muscle in me screamed to avert my gaze, to turn back and retreat to the safety of Uncle Ben. I wanted to. I really wanted to, but my eyes kept being glued on the purplish blotches, the slight cracks, and the blueish veins that could only be seen up close. This frightening sight that made my stomach lurch, it had to be the Waddenduvel that Chris had slain. This body had to belong to that monster, but why did it have arms? Why did it have legs? Why was it wearing Chris' red jacket? The coldness spread from my fingertips to the most inner corner of my heart as my gaze slowly traveled from Chris's bare legs and thighs to the red leather cord around her wrist. I wanted to scream, to bury the entire world under the unrelentless waves of the sea, but my body felt too heavy. It was as if someone had wound chains around my legs, dragging me deeper and deeper into the cold abyss. Again, I felt Uncle Ben's tight grip on my shoulder. His warm hand which was once so comforting, now burnt through my jacket and scalded my skin. Yet, I remained frozen in place. I didn't want to abandon Chris and leave her there, all cold and alone. "Finally. What were you thinking, wandering into the sea like-" I looked at him. His face was stone cold, frozen in place. All the color instantly drained from his face till his skin was as white as marble. Then I looked at the lucky charm he'd given me and held the seashell close to my ear. "Tell me, the monster is still here. It was never gone, wasn't it?" Although I could only hear the whispers of the sea, I already knew his answer.

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
Vote here!

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago

I like the different approaches you both took to this prompt. Ace story A took the perspective of the missing child while story B took the approach I expected after reading the prompt.

Story A leaves me with a lot of questions. I'm so curious as to what the different colors mean. You had three hundred more words. I dunno how much explanation you could've crammed into that, though. There was so much focus on the rising action there wasn't room for much else. I know you cut it off where you did so it'd end at the height of the drama, but I feel like im missing so much.
Also, it's spelled "scalpel" not "scapple"

Story B doesn't have a lot of action. Also, I'm left wondering if the beast is real at all. And why does the uncle want him to believe Chris is alive and coming back if she's not?
Is the constant usage of red purposeful? Like symbolism or something of the kind?

I'm going to vote Story B, mostly because I have no idea what's really going on in Story A

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
Well, that was something.

Story B is less bad than story A

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago

Is it possible that in future thunder domes you can remind us what the prompt was? Because half the time I forget. How well the story follows the prompt should be part of my analysis. 

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
"A child goes missing" in this case.

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago

I preferred the concept for story A, but story B is better written. Story B is much more emotionally resonant, while with story A the emotionality could have been heightened if we saw the children crying, etc. Even when we talked about our parents starving, we don't really know HOW much they're starving. If the writer of story A just said something about how long the parents haven't eaten for, why they haven't been eating, and the sacrifice they've made for their child to eat it would make his dissapearance resonate much more. Wed go "oh man, his parents... " sadly we didn't get that. Story B however has unique character voices, (people actually have different speech patterns) and is far more emotionally resonant. Story B also has the better person tense for the sort of story it is, It seems to be written with better sentence structure and also sentence clarity and for those reasons I vote: 

 

story B! 

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago

I vote STORY B.

STORY A:

= You have a solid concept here—poor kid becomes fixated on avoiding weakness, and makes a deal with a devil to get revenge on those who hurt him. There’s also an interesting layer of the trade off between moral virtue and survival/strength. You can get a solid story out of these ideas.
= Good pace; the story moves right along.
= I felt like the narrator’s personality showed pretty well through the tone and word choice. You can improve this even more with some of the advice below.
= That said, I didn’t really get the character arc until the final scene, and when the text did talk about Isaac’s internal state, it felt a bit too on-the-nose. I think you can make this transition more gradual, more explicit, and more subtle; probably through focusing on what Isaac notices, and thinks about the people and events around him.
= I like the ending lines with the focus on laughing over screaming.
= I realize it’s a staple of the genre, but I’m not a big fan of random evil organizations experimenting on people with no sensible purpose. Plus, this part of the story doesn’t seem to have had any impact on the character progression or final scene. This story concept might work better if you just focused on the struggle of being poor. Isaac has enough motivation to become fixed on his weakness just with struggling to feed his family; and can easily find someone to blame for it among the wealthy people living in the city.
= Eh creepy lady’s not grabbing me. I have too many questions. Why Isaac? Why is ‘absolute agony’ a necessary part of this deal—that feels a little over the top. How did she get here in the first place? I realize this is beyond the scope of a story this length; but some answers should at least be hinted at. Her dialogue also feels a little generic.

The big one: narrative distance; and telling vs showing.
The narration is unnecessarily removed from Isaac, and focuses on telling over showing. You could probably tighten it up for more engagement with the reader.
For instance:
“Isaac roamed the streets, starving. His thoughts drifted to his parents, they had it worse than he did. And so he continued on, searching for food.”
Becomes:
(*Insert more interesting opening hook*)
“Isaac staggared as his stomach growled, and he braced himself against a lamppost for support. His eyes drifted shut, trying to remember the taste of the meal his family had shared for last year’s holidays, and managed a weak smile. But things were different now, and there was no sense dwelling on useless memories. He forced his eyes open, and continued down the street.”
(This example is far from perfect, but you get the idea.)
The key changes here are:
= Demonstrate Isaac is starving rather than just saying so. This can be done things like descriptions of his stomach growling, and showing that Isaac’s thoughts are fixed on memories of food.
=  Edit sections that distance Isaac from the reader like “His thoughts drifted to” and change those to direct narration.
= Eliminate redundant information; for example the reader can easily guess Isaac is searching for food without your saying so.
I won’t do a treatment on the rest of the sentences in this way; but the same principles apply to most of the passage.

STORY B:

= Feels a bit overly direct to say “this perilous quest”. Some of the show-don’t-tell and narration distance advice for story A applies to this story; but in general this story is much better about it.
= For instance, you might be able to better link the backstory to the current action by having the narrator notice some details of their surroundings that remind them of the events three weeks ago, since they’re on the same beach where it happened. Maybe some sign of Chris’s encounter with the Waddenduvel (or whatever happened) is still laying around.
= Craven coward is a bit redundant.
= Good job with the voice of a child character, this definitely feels like someone of the age that you’re trying to portray. The narrator’s personality is showing strongly through their word choice and thought patterns.
= You do a good job giving yourself an excuse to talk about Uncle Ben by having the narrator reflect on how he hasn’t changed much; but I think you go into a little too much detail and it wears on. Just mention his appearance, and maybe one personality detail. The rest can emerge through the conversation.
= A lot of the sentences are a little wordy. Here’s an example:
“I shuffled my feet. To be fair, if Mum found out I was here in the first place, I would certainly get grounded for at least a hundred years. All things considered, talking to Uncle Ben would be a small grain of sand compared to the dune of rules I'd broken already. It felt wrong to talk to Uncle Ben, but it also felt wrong to just ignore him.”
This can be:
“I shuffled my feet. He was right. If Mum found out I was here at all, I’d be grounded for at least a hundred years. Talking to Uncle Ben wouldn’t make my situation worse. And it felt wrong to just ignore him.”
Another example:
"My mouth fell open. I whipped my head in his direction. At once, that boiling frustration was swept away and dissipated under the sound of the crashing waves and the rising tides. My eyes widened."
You don’t need this at all; we already know the narrator is mad people don’t believe her. You can just add “My mouth fell open” as a dialogue tag to the next line.
= Again, you’ve created an excellent excuse to talk about Christina’s personality here, but you go on for too long for it to be credible. Cut the description down and this will be smoother.
= I like “But I didn’t.” The throughline of the narrator’s desire not to be a coward is a strength of this story.
= Aw shit I assumed Eli meant the narrator was male. Now I have to go back and fix all my pronouns.
= The description of Eli running into the sea could be less wordy, but it’s pretty good.
= For whatever reason I’m not buying the coincidence that Chris’s body would just happen to wash up at this exact moment. It might be more believable if it had washed up earlier, but they just didn’t notice it until that moment. But, you have to find a way to justify that while still having Eli run into the sea. Maybe on a rock further out?
= I’m not sure what we’re supposed to make of the ending. Did Chris just drown, or is there really a monster? Was Uncle Ben telling the truth, or was he just an asshole who thought promising a kid that her dead friend was coming back was a good way to cope with loss?

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
My vote goes to Story B. To the author: Did Ben kill Chris? Or is it open to interpretation?

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago

In honor of Ford I will vote without reading the entries:

B

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago

So allow me to start off by saying that I adored the intro! The ThunderDome being reduced to anarchy while a screaming lard sack desperately grabs for a wet noodle? Every time he grabs Darius, he slips through his fingers. Meanwhile, Darius desperately smacking at Ace with no apparent effect? That’s sure to grab the attention of at least a few of the more easily distracted degenerates.

 

Story A: The story starts off grounded in reality, with the main character starving and accepting charity from a religious missionary. It immediately takes a dark turn in a disturbing manner when the protagonist wakes up mutilated in a dark cell. Sometimes, the immediate shift in surroundings can be jarring, but this was actually a smooth, effective method. 

 

What I particularly liked about this story was the descriptions throughout the story, first of the character’s torment, and then of his past. The author does a fantastic job of detailing how the protagonist is feeling both physically and emotionally, without rambling on or breaking the flow of the story.

 

The shift from him calling himself by his name and mourning, to passively accepting the torment and referring to himself as his number was something I thought was clever. As in some other stories, it’s a good way of establishing that the protagonist has in a way “given up” and adapted to his environment.

 

Then the demon? More on her in a second, but what I found powerful here is that he is given the choice to remain a victim of his environment (which is something he had been going through long before he got taken prisoner, if his family members are any indication) or to fight back and accept the pain that comes with that. The fact that he immediately is referred to as Isaac immediately following his decision to strike back further underlines his choice.

 

The only thing I can say I didn’t like was the lack of clarification. Who is this demon? Who is this cult?? Why did they kidnap him? Why is she offering him a deal? I understand that this is meant to be a short story, and there’s only so much you can put into 2,000 words, but considering this story was only a little over 1,700 words, you could’ve used the last couple hundred to establish some basic motivation, at the very least.

 

Story B: So I also enjoyed this one. The character development in this story was stronger, with Eli the protagonist, his emotions are described just as well, and his motivations are more fleshed out. His Uncle Ben is also built up as a strong character, a type of anchor for the protagonist to cling to in this rocky stage of his life. Chris, who has gone missing, is described so well that I could honestly picture her in my mind’s eye

The description of the sea being stormy and rocky, the way it was described felt like a reflection of the protagonist's own emotional state. Impressive.

The twist at the end where it turns out his Uncle was lying to help him feel better leaves the story on a cliffhanger, as we don’t know exactly how the protagonist is going to react to the sight of his friend washing up on shore. 
 

It was a very hard decision to make, as both stories are worthy of praise. Ultimately, I'm going to have to throw my vote in for Story B.

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
My vote goes to Story A.

I found story A to be quite engaging and very emotionally raw. I really enjoyed the way the author set up this dark world, showed the protagonist being kidnapped, taken into this creepy lab where scientists cut him, fed him black goo, and then performed surgeries on him.

I found the pacing to be quite well done, the story isn't slow at all and at no point did I feel like it dragged.

This author organized the story quite well, spending just the right amount of time on the beginning, Issac getting drugged for the first time, the surgery, and finally the demon summoning.

Now on to story B. I thought story B did a good job with the emotions, and I think story B fleshed out the setting and descriptors more, describing the waves and the sea. I understood more about B's main character than A, indicating strong character development. The dialogue in story B was better used, but ultimately story A was just more my style, and I had a much more entertaining time reading it. I think the main difference with A and B is that B takes its time more, and was slower.

As a story I felt more invested in A, and it was more fun to read, but I thought both were well done.

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
My vote goes to Mizal's introduction parag- what, not allowed? ...Alright.

Story B

Story A had some things going for it, a very interesting world building and ritual/religion system, but I could not figure out what was going on for most of it. I feel like the author tried to cram a little too much into the story, when it could've benefitted from some more simplicity.

I found story B to be more coherent and complete, though it isn't without its flaws. I would've enjoyed some more clarity towards the end and regarding Ben's role in it all. Overall, I felt that B had a smoother flow and a stronger grasp on writing compared to A.

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
First, there is nothing wrong with a good engine grill!

I'm not going to sugarcoat it (if I did, Ace might eat it). Both of these stories really seemed to fumble a bit on any kind of payoff for me. I'm going to do my best to explain why, but I will say that I'm usually not smart enough to effectively communicate why a thing just didn't do it for me.

Story A: Story A sucks. It's the kind of thing I used to do when I thought I could write an action movie with words. It feels like the author may have sketched out a few moments or beats that seemed like they would be "really cool," but didn't ever really formulate a plot to stitch those points together.

The first problem with Story A is the fact that it was not proofread. There are several just out and out inconsistencies. For example, Isaac clearly notices a certain wrongness about the missionaries and not only does he not do anything about it, he does not react in any way whatsoever. There is also the matter of an icy wind cutting him from inside. I have certainly been inside a few buildings that could be penetrated by icy winds, but it seems from the rest of the descriptions that this is actually a well put together complex designed by scientists.

I would also never describe the sound a door makes as a "crackle." Stop that.

It is odd that this kid, who is a passive character, is for some reason or another the only one who is strong enough for the ritual or whatever. I suppose this could be the result of whatever "black goo" that is both being fed and not fed to Isaac, but no real meaning is given to this detail at all.

Story B: I believe that overall, Story B sucked less. It was certainly internally consistent. There were no "black goo" moments at least.

There was nothing I really liked about the story, but there was less I can criticize.

The main one is a couple of the descriptions are gross. The main one is describing Uncle Ben as an "encyclopedia of anything and everything." That gives me no hint of any kind as to who he is other than an odd hyperbole. The other main issue is that the twist of Chris being dead was way too predictable to have any emotional impact.

The winner of my vote is::::: B!





EDIT: Story A is also gay for making the demon a woman instead of leaning into the misshapen OTHER. Stop thinking with your dick

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
Ace burst roaring from his cage, still gripping the turkey legs. Darius merely slid between the bars. The two then entered into a strange performance that only some might call 'fighting', the hulking meat man flailing and the slender noodle man evading. But it worked, it worked! It caught the audience's attention back where it was supposed to be, and they were soon having civil, even long windedly educational conversations around their engine-grilled hunks of human flesh. In the arena below, Ace tried closing in on Darius and putting all his weight behind a turkey leg beatdown. "Yeah! Get him!" shouted a lone voice from the stands, instantly identified by the large, bolded letters as that of RKrallonor. Darius although wielding nothing but two Sticky Slap hands (which on further examination might be just his actual hands) continued to display uncanny speed for one with no bones or muscles, dodging and weaving and demonstrating an ability to slip and slither through every possible gap or crevice that members of the crowd would later describe as "revolting, yet mesmerizing". Finally breaking free, he rearranged his own body into an invisible tripwire that sent his plus sized opponent into a tumble that shook the ground. Due to the angle, Ace's head actually snapped right off his neck, and black goo geysered out to soak, yet not soak, the first three rows of spectators, while everyone else cheered uproariously. Newspapers would later headline this night as "Slimy, Yet Satisfying." Congrats to Darius for the win! Thanks to both contestants for getting your stories in early, I really do feel bad about the subsequent nearly two weeks of not posting it. And thanks as usual to all voters and givers of precious feedback. I'll hand out commendations shortly, and stay tuned for Thunderdome 17 which will be posted shortly. @Darius_Conwright @MrAce321 Reply here for your commendations.

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
Go Ace! Use that turkey leg and crush Darius!

Fake news, no way Darius would be able to counter the turkey leg attack with his sticky slap hands, turkey leg attack should win hands down every single time.

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
Commended by Mizal on 11/12/2024 10:45:49 PM

Thank you for arranging these duels!

As for any story questions: The killer was indeed the uncle and the plot twist wasn't necessarily her friend being dead, but more so her discovering that he's the monster who killed her friend. I think I have made it a bit too subtle or didn't convey it clearly enough. There were a few hint sprinkled throughout.

  • Her mom banned him due to some video tapes; the video tapes contained CP
  • When Eli shouts for the monster to show themselves, the uncle shows up.
  • Uncle Ben's "Encyclopedia of knowledge"; he put the concept of a Waddenduvel into Chris' mind
  •  The way he describes Chris, way too detailed and odd. "Wouldn't die without a fight"
  • The red woven band on Chris' wrist; it's the same as that of Eli
  • The corpse of her friend wasn't wearing any pants.

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
Yeah, to me that would have taken a pretty huge leap in logic. I don't think you put enough in there to get someone to close that gap. I didn't see anyone suspecting Ben of child rape or murder in the comments either, so I don't think it's a case of me being too dumb to get it. Perhaps the over abundance of details led to the skimming past the "important" ones.

EDIT: Looks like Iris suspected it, but nobody else. And definitely nobody on the pedophilia angle.

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago

I'm not accusing you for being dumb. It's only a thing that makes me regret a little the decision to get rid off some lines where the kid noticed that her friend didn't have this particular bracelet before or that only she and Chris knew that this particular monster is called "the Waddenduvel". So it would be strange for the uncle to know.

Back then I thought it would perhaps be a bit too on the nose to mention these details.

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
I'm not accusing you of accusing me, you mealy-mouthed gruel sucker!

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago

Then we good

The BELATED Thunderdome 16: Darius vs Ace!

one month ago
The only things that stood out and made me think it was the uncle were the old video tapes and how he was trying to get Eli to leave and didn't want her to tell anyone about what she saw. From a child's perspective, the video tapes would be dumb, especially not knowing what was on them, but from the mother's perspective it would have to be pretty serious for her to not want him around her child. The bracelet was odd, but I didn't realize the corpse wasn't wearing pants and encycolpedic knowledge didn't really connect to the Waddenduvel to me. You probably could've mentioned he told Eli stories about fairies and other mythical creatures and it would've connected more. I also feel like the "wouldn't die without a fight" comment was more of an attempt to comfort Eli than show that Ben is the monster.