Non-threaded

Forums » Creative Corner » Read Thread

Take part in collaborative works, share your short stories, poems, original artwork and more.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Well, this is certainly an unusual match. I don't think we've ever had a duel quite like this one. Usually, there's some friendly rivalry, but this time the dispute seemed to spring from a deep ideological dispute. It was another warm, dusty evening in the little town of San Fort TombCYStone Dry Gulch Bootstrap Hill, and the lawless Abby Bridges was playing Five Draw Poker against the house, and had just complained the necromancer behind the bar had gotten their drink wrong (Abby's drink, not the house, and not Abby's and the house). When up walked Fresh "Butter Braid" Ovens to punch them in the face. (Just Abby, not Abby and the necromancer). She then grabbed Abby by the head and slammed her face into a table. "Where is your gender! I know you're hiding it you little bitch! And you are making this scene REALLY awkward to write!" Abby shoved her away, and, lip bleeding, grabbed an empty bottle and busted it over Fresh's head before menacing her with the jagged glass. "It's hidden up your ASS you cis-gendered Jezebel, right where I'm about to stick this!" And just like that the bar was in an uproar! Some had collapsed from their chairs in laughter, some stood and called for order, some begged for more chaos, and others just fired guns in the air at random. With much hair pulling, slapping, and girlish shrieking, the brawl spilled out in the streets. Or at least that's how the story was told when the sheriffs rode in, coincidentally hot on the trail of Miss-ter Bridges for accusations of fraud and deceiving good honest folk in cahoots with the infamous hustler Chat. G.P. Tetto. They might have hanged them on the spot (just Abby, ChatGPT was not available at the time) had they not found this rivalry just SO funny. And so it was agreed this matter would be resolved at ten paces at dawn. Theme music:

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Story A: There’s a city. Towers made from clay and adobe adorn the skyline next to trees large enough to fuel a paper factory for a week on their own. Lush plant life spreads across the ground, lending its colors to the breathtaking sight. Such abundance indicates incredibly fertile soil; I can’t help but think of the amount of farmland before me, just waiting to be plowed and planted. The foliage breaks in places to make way for narrow, earthen roads. With every step, my feet add to the plethora of markings left on this trail by those who have traveled along it before me. I almost admire the inhabitants of this city. They’ve created something truly extraordinary; a haven, an oasis in the vast desert around it. Whoever stumbled upon this fertile blotch of land in the desert definitely made great use of their discovery. I’m half-tempted to pretend I never saw this outlying colony out of respect and let them continue in peace. However, if I don’t report it, someone else is assured to. I could use another successfully repurposed colony under my belt; there’s been talk of an upcoming promotion and I’ll take any chance I can get to rise up the ranks. Currently, I’m a scout. My job is to search for outlying colonies like this one and repurpose them for the good of the community. I send in information about resources and suggestions for how the land should be used, but ultimately it’s the scout supervisors who decide what’s to be done. It’s then my job to ensure their commands get carried out. I take my CommPad of its place on my belt and press a few buttons, instructing it to pinpoint my coordinates. Once it’s done, I forward the information (along with a brief description of the area) to my supervisor and head into the city. My next mission is to locate the head of this flora-based metropolis and inform him or her of the new situation. Locals I pass by stare unabashedly with wide grins, bright eyes, and friendly smiles. I doubt they’ll be so cordial when they learn of my purpose in their home. Colonies should be proud they can serve the good of the community in such a useful way, but they’re not. They never are. I’m headed towards a particularly tall building I noticed while approaching the city. It’s near the Stadtzentrum, and both my training and years of experience as a scout taught me to always look there first. Colonies such as this one are the result of a regrettable lack of attention paid to the desert during the darker days of our fair community. Rather than laziness, our neglect stemmed from the need to focus on the areas within our borders to quell the tedious uprisings and annoying revolts that plagued us like a swarm of rats all those years ago. When the majority of those were put down and buried, we could finally continue our effort to find other lands for the good of the community. Discovery of colonies has become more and more rare throughout the years; if this goes well it could be highly beneficial for my future. The road comes to a halt in front of the building. A closer look only further validates my earlier assumption. The ornate details (swirls and squiggles) carved into the hard mud mark it as a place of importance. The door is opened for me, and a short man who’s grinning ear-to-ear greets me. “Hello, welcome friend!” he says. I blink; such open friendliness is unusual. Nonetheless, I do as he beckons and step inside. I am on a mission, after all. His innocent naïvety will only aid me. “What have you come for, stranger?” he inquires, still beaming. I clear my throat. “Your colony could be doing more to benefit the community. I’m here to show you how.” He laughs. Laughs! At me! “You’re not the first to come here thinking you can improve our city. We don’t want to be plowed over and turned into a farm, and we don’t want all our trees chopped down and shredded. We’ve convinced all those lovely young lads who came before you to leave peacefully. I feel certain this time will be no different, no different at all.” I shake my head. “It is not a request. I’m simply informing you of what’s going to happen.” He laughs again, a jolly sound that comes from deep within his chest. “I’m telling you what’s already happened, boy. Don’t you know the past and the future tend to be one and the same?” The past… one and the… the future? I shake my head in confusion. “I’m not here for your riddles, either. Are you going to cooperate with the repurposing for the good of the community, or will you force us to take more extreme measures? Choose wisely.” He scratches his grizzled chin. “You sure don’t give up easy. What say you and I have a little talk before you offer your ultimatum? I can show you around the city, and personally guarantee you’ll come to no harm. You may as well enjoy the beauty you’re so intent on destroying before it’s gone, yeah?” I consider the offer. I’ve seen very little of this colony, but what I have seen is indeed gorgeous. Fragrant, flamboyant displays of flowers and greenery all along the roads and sides of the buildings, architecture unlike any I’d seen before. The sky had not a hint, not a single trace of smoke billowing through. Everything here is fresh, vibrant, vivacious, and fully aware of that fact. The people smile, even stray animals seem to be a part of the decoration. I’d almost call it paradise. The old man must’ve seen the awestruck look in my eyes, because he gets a mischievous glint in his own. Suddenly I’m aware of how he convinced the other scouts to leave his colony untouched. It’s the tour. How could a person (no matter how callous they are) look at such beauty, such splendor, and then call for it to be dozed over to make way for more productive uses of the land? I can’t fail. This promotion could mean a better school for my son and a more secure home for any children who may come in the future. As is, we’re not sure we want more. My wife and I don’t know how we’d manage to support them! But scout supervisors have many, many added benefits. A promotion would provide us with the stability we need in order to start growing our family. There are families here. My line of thought is incredibly selfish, but it’s also true. I just want what’s best for my own family; it’s hard to bring myself to put countless other families I haven’t met over them. If I go on this tour, I’ll be throwing away my children’s future. Benjamin would always go to a free public school and never got the chance to further his education past the age of fifteen. Even if he works his hardest, all that education will ever get him is right where I am; hopefully headed for the scout supervisor position. However, if I successfully repurpose this city, especially since it’s been such a pain, I’d have an actual chance at that promotion. Benjamin could go to an upper school and earn credentials to qualify him for higher-up jobs that come with less danger and more benefits. I can’t go on this tour. I have to stand firm. For Benjamin and any children we may have after him. I take a deep breath and shake my head. “I see no reason to. I’ve given you the final verdict. Good day.” The old man doesn’t speak as I head back out the door. He only stands there, worry crossing his face for the first time since I met him. I contact my supervisor and inform him that the second mission is completed. I tell him that while the population doesn’t seem violent, they aren’t overjoyed about the change. He gives me his commands for the city, then gets off the call. I stay at a local inn to get some much-needed sleep. The next day a plowing crew arrives. Their machinery is much faster than the scouts’ method of travel (our feet), but also a lot less cost-efficient. My feet hit the ground next to my bed with a satisfying “thump”. After getting dressed, I go to the city hall once more. The same old man greets me, but his expression is somber. His face immediately lights up when he recognizes me. I can tell he hopes I’ve changed my mind. I set my mouth in a firm line and unfocus my eyes; it’s easier to dehumanize someone when you’re not paying attention to their face. I can’t afford empathy. “You need to evacuate your people. Tell them we will wait two hours for them to pack.” “I will not,” he replies with downcast eyes. “Then they will die.” “Some of them would prefer that,” he whispers. I leave so he can’t keep trying to convince me to halt my proceedings. Something tells me this old man is more conniving than he appears. I keep my eyes on the road as I leave; I can give the city no chance to persuade me. It takes me about forty minutes to reach the crew. Once I do, I give them the order to begin work in an hour. When work begins, there are still people. I’ve repurposed three colonies before. Two complied rather easily, but one was nearly as stubborn as this one. Maybe worse. They lined their citizens up in front of our equipment and we had to plow through them to get to the colony. Since then I’ve been sure nothing can faze me. There’s something different about this colony. Something that seems precious and rare. I have to keep reminding myself this is for the good of the community… the good of my family. It feels like sacrilege that the latter reason has more impact than the first. There’s a family in one of the wholes: a mother, father, son, and two daughters. How would I feel if someday a stranger came and bulldozed through my house with myself and my entire family inside? I don’t have time to reconsider; the house is gone, and not even bloodstains are left in its wake. It strikes me as wrong that an entire family can be gone without a trace in a matter of seconds. They won’t even get a funeral. For the good of the community. For Benjamin. The job thankfully doesn’t take long. Our crews are very efficient. Once everything is gone, we begin tilling the ground. I check my CommPod to see if my supervisor has decided on a kind of seed to plant; he has not. There is a notification, though. They’ve announced who got the promotion. It’s not me. I sink to my knees and stare at the destruction around me. It can’t have been for nothing. It can’t. I sacrificed too much to get nothing. That beauty, all that glorious beauty is gone because of me. And what do I get? Nothing. My thoughts run wild; I try to reel them in as I stand and dust off my pants. I will continue onwards; there’s nothing else to do. This isn’t the only chance I’ll get. I’ve got to keep going, for the good of the community.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Story B: In the year 2145, the planet had finally turned its back on humanity. Years of failed interventions and too many second chances had left Earth a desolate shell. Sea levels had risen, wildfires had burned landscapes to ash, and once-breathable air had become thick with toxins. Nature had suffered enough, and humanity, admitting defeat, prepared to step aside, hoping time could heal what it could not. People began to relinquish control in a desperate attempt, allowing ecosystems to reclaim their territory. This surrender marked a pivotal moment as humanity sought redemption through the restoration of the planet's natural balance. In an effort to preserve both the planet and their species, scientists and world leaders devised the “Long Sleep” initiative, a plan to place the human population in cryosleep for two millennia. People would rest deep underground in sprawling vaults shielded from the harsh, tainted surface. The Earth would be left alone to restore its fragile ecosystems, free from human existence. As the final phase of The Long Sleep approached, a handful of individuals, chosen as “Earth Stewards," remained awake. They were tasked with monitoring the sleepers and maintaining the facilities until the planet could recover. Trained in science, medicine, and security, the stewards dedicated themselves to their mission, promising to watch over the millions waiting for Earth to heal. When the time came, they would awaken humanity to a new beginning, a second chance on a restored Earth. In the silence of a sealed facility buried miles below ground, Steward Asha Delaney gazed over the last sleeping chamber. The room stretched vast and shadowed, row after row of glass-enclosed pods. People had gone to sleep with what little hope remained for them, placing their future in the hands of the planet and the hands of those like Asha. As she made her final rounds, the gravity of her responsibility settled over her. Asha, one of the last souls awake, whispered to the unconscious as if they might hear her promises of safety and care. "Sleep well.” Over the first hundred years, the Earth Stewards fulfilled their duty, passing down knowledge, repairs, and the solemn oath to awaken humanity when the time was right. The earth had started repairing itself, but the stewards remained patient. They knew little of what was to come. The Korr’hai, an ancient race of wanderers, traveled the cosmos in search of planets rich in resources and ecosystems. It had been centuries since humans plagued the earth with fossil fuels and toxic waste; the earth was reborn. This new race claimed the unguarded land, taking it as their own, and when the stewards realized what was happening, it was far too late. The stewards gathered on the surface to fend off the ancient creatures, but they fell short. With no remaining stewards to defend the sleepers or uphold the promise, the humans in cryosleep were forgotten, left underground for far longer than planned. They built lush cities towering over the earth, scattered across the renewed land. Over the next millennia, they continued to thrive. Until centuries after the first of the Korr’hai had arrived, a small malfunction rippled throughout the cryo facility. Pods shuttered to life, seals breaking open, hissing as the fragile humans inside stirred awake, groggy and confused. They emerged into a world transformed beyond recognition. A place they had once called home was now filled with alien cities. Awakening to this strange new Earth, humanity found itself the foreigner, bewildered by the expansive colonization that had taken root as they slept. The humans found themselves in a world that was very different from the one they used to know. The forests were full of bright, strange plants, and the rivers were clear once again. In the distance, the tall cities shone like gems, their buildings blending perfectly with nature. The air was sweet, filled with the smell of wildflowers and the buzzing sound of unfamiliar creatures flying around, watching humans with curious eyes. Eliora, an elder and botanist from the old world, was one of the first to wake up. She became a guide for humans in this new time. Eliora took small groups on journeys through alien landscapes, feeling both heavyhearted and amazed by what had happened to their planet. Even though many recently awakened, humans were scared. There was no denying that Earth was now more colorful than they had ever thought possible. As they explored deeper into Korr’hai territory, the Korr’hai began to see these strange beings wandering through their land. Some Korr’hai were afraid, viewing humans as reminders of a destructive past, while others were intrigued by humanity’s ability to survive and approached with caution. Their curiosity sparked conversations that bridged the gap between two worlds. As the Korr’hai shared their rich history and the wisdom of their ancestors, the humans began to understand the delicate balance of life on this vibrant planet, igniting a desire for coexistence rather than conflict. Gradually, both species started to communicate by exchanging words and gestures. Eventually, they shared stories about how they came to live on the same planet. The leaders of Korr’hai recognized that humanity had lost its power and knowledge over centuries and allowed a fragile coexistence. Humans began settling near Korr’hai cities, learning from their alien neighbors while imparting whatever little old-world knowledge they still possessed. Some humans faced difficulties feeling out of place and nostalgic in their ancestral home but eventually adapted. It was a fragile piece marked by both conflicts and moments of growth. As decades went by, humans and Korr’hai began sharing each other’s knowledge, leading to new languages and technologies. Generations later, a parent sat under two moons with their young child, whether human or Korr'hai. The night was peaceful, illuminated by bioluminescent plants nurtured by Korr'hai, creating a shared world for all inhabitants. A long time ago, our ancestors told us that those who came before us tore this world apart. The earth, the water, and the air cried out in pain, and our ancestors knew that the world needed time to heal. They went to sleep, entrusting the planet’s care to a few, but even they could not foresee the future.” The child’s eyes widened as they listened to the story of the Long Sleep, of the brave Earth Stewards, and of the Korr’hai who came when humanity’s caretakers could no longer guard them. They heard of the awakening, of the frightened humans emerging into a world they barely recognized, and of the hesitant alliance that had formed between two species. “And now,” the parent continued, brushing a gentle hand over the child’s forehead, “we live in harmony, each respecting the other, both sharing this land, this sky, and these stars. This is our world—yours, mine, and theirs—and together, we will honor it.”

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

This seems AI generated tbh. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I agree to be honest. I'm about 70% confident story B is AI. The switch was too abrupt. The POV is suspicious and is the type AI would automatically use. Reads too much like a summary of events. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

One thing that I noticed while writing here is that copy and pasting text from one source to here can result in those wide margins we're seeing with Story B. I've written notes and story sections in Google Docs and pasted some of the text and had to fix things to make it look right in comparison to the text I would normally just write directly in this site.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

hmmm, let me ask chat gpt to write a 2000 word max story and ill copy and paste it here, lets see if it has wide margins.

 

In the heart of Elmwood Park, where the trees were thick and the ground was carpeted in leaves of every autumnal hue, lived a squirrel named Hazel. She was a small, scrappy squirrel with bright eyes and a love for hoarding acorns. Hazel’s days were mostly spent scurrying up and down trees, stuffing her cheeks, and playfully chattering at the other squirrels. She’d never thought much about companionship; after all, she had her nest and her stash of nuts—what more could she need?

That changed one crisp November morning.

Hazel was chasing a particularly elusive acorn when she noticed a flicker of movement in the tree across from her. She stopped, mid-chase, acorn forgotten, and squinted her eyes to get a better look. There, high up in the tallest oak, was a squirrel she’d never seen before.

He was larger than the other squirrels, with a sleek coat that caught the morning sun. His fur was an unusual gray with a hint of red around the edges, and he moved with a grace that Hazel hadn’t seen before. He was bounding across the branches with ease, even casually pausing to pluck an acorn from a twig as if it were the easiest thing in the world.

Hazel, whose entire life had been spent scrabbling for each and every acorn, was captivated. She decided, right then and there, that she had to meet him.

The only problem was, Hazel was painfully shy. She was always the squirrel watching from the sidelines, never the one to make the first move. But something about this stranger stirred a bravery in her she didn’t know she had.

That afternoon, Hazel found herself clambering up the tall oak where she’d seen him. She climbed higher and higher, her heart pounding as she imagined what she’d say when she finally met him. But when she reached the top, he was nowhere to be found. Disappointed, Hazel sat on a branch, nibbling on a stray acorn she’d picked up on the way, wondering if she’d missed her chance.

As she sat there, lost in thought, a voice startled her.

“Is that acorn taken?”

Hazel spun around, and there he was, perched on the branch above her, looking down with a mischievous glint in his eye. She nearly choked on her acorn, but managed to squeak, “No, no—plenty more where that came from!”

The stranger leapt down to her branch, his movements smooth and fluid. Up close, Hazel could see that his fur was even more beautiful than she’d imagined, and his eyes were a bright, piercing green. He introduced himself as Alder, a squirrel who’d recently come to Elmwood from the next park over.

They chatted easily, Hazel forgetting her usual shyness. Alder told her stories of his adventures leaping across the wide gaps between trees, of the time he’d found a secret stash of pecans left by a careless human, and of his dream to one day explore the Great Oak at the edge of the park—a tree so tall it was said you could see the whole world from its top.

For the first time, Hazel felt her world expanding beyond her small nest and her acorn pile. She found herself laughing and even chattering excitedly about her own small adventures.

The days turned colder, and Hazel and Alder spent more time together, gathering acorns and huddling close to keep warm. Hazel had never felt so comfortable with anyone before. There was something about Alder that made her feel braver, more alive.

One day, as they sat side by side on a branch, Alder turned to her, his expression unusually serious.

“Hazel,” he began, his voice soft, “I think you should come with me to the Great Oak.”

Hazel’s heart skipped a beat. She’d heard about the Great Oak all her life, but she’d never thought of actually going there. It was too far, too risky. And yet, as she looked into Alder’s bright green eyes, she felt a thrill of excitement.

So, with a little persuasion, Hazel agreed. They set out the very next morning.

The journey was long and filled with challenges. They had to leap across wide gaps, dodge swooping birds, and find shelter from unexpected gusts of wind. But through it all, Alder stayed close to her side, encouraging her and making her laugh when things got tough.

Finally, as the sun began to set, they reached the Great Oak. It was taller and grander than Hazel had ever imagined. The branches were thick and sturdy, and the bark had deep grooves that seemed to hold the secrets of the forest.

“Come on,” Alder said, nudging her forward. “Let’s go to the top.”

They climbed together, branch after branch, until they finally reached the highest point. Hazel gasped at the view before her. She could see the entire park, the river winding through it, and the faint glow of the city lights beyond. It was breathtaking.

For a moment, they sat in silence, taking in the beauty around them. Then, Alder turned to her, his eyes soft.

“Hazel,” he murmured, “I never thought I’d find someone like you. You’re brave, funny, and… you make me feel like I’m home.”

Hazel felt her cheeks heat up, but she didn’t look away. “I feel the same,” she whispered.

They stayed there, watching the sunset together, feeling a warmth that had nothing to do with the setting sun.

In the days that followed, Hazel and Alder built a cozy nest together high up in the branches of the Great Oak. They spent their days gathering acorns, playing tag through the trees, and curling up together as the cold wind blew through the branches.

For the first time in her life, Hazel felt like she had found not just a partner but a home—a place where she belonged, high up in the trees, with the squirrel she loved by her side.

 

It doesnt. Interesting. It does look like story B used google docs.  Which means story b was written but in something like google docs, or they copy and pasted something from chatgpt into a google doc (maybe to edit it a bit before posting it here). 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
It's caused by the line break gibberish in Google or Word interacting with the gibberish in the RTE that's trying to do the same thing.

Using the RTE is gross, but not illegal. Luckily for you.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

:)

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I don't do it all the time, just for some darlings that I want to get out of my system but don't have a place to put them yet. At least it's all stuff that I've actually written.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
AI detectors are hilarious. I just slapped the text from Story B in three random "AI detectors"

Detector #1: Your Text is Human written, 0% AI
Detector #2: 19% of this text appears to be AI-generated
Detector #3: 60% of text is likely AI-generated

Oh, but just for fun I put the text from Story A into the same testers:

Detector #1: Your Text is Human written, 0% AI
Detector #2: 0% of this text apepars to be AI-generated
Detector #3: 0% of text is likely AI-generated

Hmmm...

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
The fact that at least one detector is saying 60 percent though, raises some red flags. I feel like with AI detectors, if even one says yes, then you got to take a closer look. Since all 3 said "0 percent " to story A, I'm inclined to trust story A, and the fact that Story B went above 50 percent on one is a bit suspicious.

I ran 5000 characters on Detecting-AI.com and I got an 87.5 percent probability score on the first 5000 characters. There's an 87.5 percent chance that was AI.

https://imgur.com/a/I2r5AQb

In contrast, I ran story A on Detecting-AI.com and I got 23.5 percent probability it was AI, which is a low probability. The detector said it was human written.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
The fact that several people's immediate reaction to an anonymously presented story was "this is generated" also might be a flag.

Wouldn't it be crazy if this turned out to have been submitted by someone with a history of this kind of dishonesty? But surely, SURELY no one would be that stupid....

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Vote here!

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Okay, so I've read both and at first I was thinkng it was going to be a very touch call to make, but around the halfway mark in story B the switch to the aliens coming to earth and Colonising felt so random and abrupt. Not just that but the story reads more like a summary of events as opposed to the more personal and immediate portrayal that story A has, which makes it a much more ntimate experience, in comparison story B felt more 'distant'. I loved the concept for story B till halfway through with the aliens lmao

 

Story A wins for me due to heightened emotionality, better character voice, better POV, and better chronological sequencing of events. The ending to story A was heartbreaking, and although he's a 'bad guy' he's one we can all imagine ourselves playing if we lived in a different time period or place. 

 

If I had to guess story A is definitely fresh's and story B is definitely abges, I know because there's not a chance in hell would fresh write that hippy alien love shit that story B shows. 

 

My vote is for: Story A

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I vote STORY A.

STORY A:
= Decent opening line; though I’m not sure why it works.
= I like the transition from description to the narrator’s opinion of it; it gives you an excuse to describe the surroundings. That said, I’d recommend introducing the narrator and hinting at their motivation even before you start describing; that way the reader has an extra reason to care about the surroundings. This could be something as simple as tacking on “I scanned my surroundings.” To the start of the paragraph; though obviously the more you’re able to bring the narrator’s voice into their interpretation of the details they see, the better.
= The narration so far is feeling a bit distant from the narrator. Phrases like “I can’t help but think” and “I almost admire the inhabitants of the city” make it feel like the narrator is talking to us rather than that we’re in their head. (That’s appropriate if this is a retelling like most of Lovecraft’s stories, but this seems like it’s unfolding in front of us.) To immerse the reader more in the narrator’s head, you can just directly deliver their thoughts as narrtation. Like: “Such abundance indicates incredibly fertile soil; this city has an abundance of farmland, just waiting to be plowed and planted.” Similarly, you can just swing into “The inhabitants of this city have created something truly extraordinary”, and then you already undercut it later on with the narrator’s regrets about having to report it. The upside to doing this is the reader feels more immersed in the story, and it’s usually a less jarring way to insert the narrator’s thoughts.
= I like how you handle the transition from thinking about the visual details into the narrator’s backstory. It feels very natural, and the information delivered is quick and relevant.
= This is probably just a feature of all thunderdome entries, but this feels like it could have used another wording edit. There are a lot of places where your sentence structure could flow just slightly better.
= I can’t believe I’m suggesting adding a proper noun, but I think “the community” is a bit vague. It might do better with a name. Or maybe just capitalize it; “The Community” has a nice ominous feel.
= At this point I’m getting the sense our scout is in over their head. They seem fairly inexperienced, and friendly-looking innocent villagers almost always have something up their sleeve.
= Distance aside, the integration of the narrator’s opinions with the world around them is pretty good. I’d also recommend shifting to include physical indicators of the narrator’s emotional reactions. For instance, the narrator sees the smiles around them, and assumes people will be less happy about their presence once they know its purpose. How does that make them react? Looking down; unable to make eye contact? Standing up straighter with an unflinching gaze?
= Another opportunity to be more immersed: “If this goes well it could be highly beneficial for my future” becomes “but those who do find them are always rewarded”.
= I’m sensing two possible interpretations of this narrator—either dedicated to serving the community and cynically disgusted by those who refuse to; or ambitious chiefly with regard to their own future and feeling superior to those who don’t have the same drive. Either could work; but leaning more explicitly into one will probably make the story stronger.
= It’s a bit weird that the narrator just marches in and announces their intentions with no middle steps; but I can overlook that in a story this short.
= Huh. I’m surprised the narrator is old enough to have kids—I was getting the impression they were fairly young.
= I’d actually recommend cutting down on the narrator’s motives. We already have loyalty and ambition, and now they’ve got a family to support. All of these motivations are fine, but picking just one to extend throughout the story will create a simpler emotional throughline, and more consistent behavior from the narrator. Then you can contrast this motive more directly with their conflicted feelings about destroying the beautiful city.
= So it was really just a tour? I have a hard time buying that was enough to convince earlier scouts to leave.
= This is similar to some things I’ve mentioned earlier, but the narrator’s thoughts often seem too self aware. For instance: “It’s easlier to dehumanize someone when you’re not paying attention to their face.” This is good, but it might be more impactful if you leave it unstated and just let the thought show through the narrator’s actions. Setting the mouth in a line & unfocusing the eyes is great. And you can convert the second line into something similar, like ensuring he doesn’t look in the person’s eyes so he can keep his shaking voice steady.
= Ok, I like “It feels like scarilege that the latter reason has more impact than the first.” I know I suggested cutting down on motives, but you can also get some good drama out of having someone who wants to be motivated by loyalty, but is actually motivated by his family. This is the first I’m seeing of that here, so if you wanted to do that extending it backwards through the rest of the story would be the trick.

Overall:
Pretty good! I liked a lot of things about this story. A couple things:
   1) The language use here feels like a good first draft. The narrator is thinking and doing the right things at the right times, but there are ways it can be improved by making his emotions more subtle and his experiences more direct.
   2) The plot feels like it’s happening WAY too fast, at breakneck speed. This is just a suggestion, but one way you can fix that is just by changing the nature of the encounter. Have this all play out in about fifteen minutes:
       A) The narrator rolls up to the city with the destruction crew. (This is a stronger hook too.)
       B) Looking at the city; the narrator reflects back on when he first saw it a few months ago, and you go into the sequence about him walking through the city, talking to the leader, refusing to go on the tour, and then leaving quickly before he can change his mind. Big time skips here are okay, since it’s a flashback.
       C) Back to the present. The narrator calls the city leader out to give them one last chance. He reiterates that they’re not giving in.
       D) Pissed off, the narrator gives the order for the destruction to start.
       E) The narrator learns (from the pad, or a direct superior) that he won’t be getting the promotion, and watches in horror as the destruction crew moves forward and the demolition begins.
Again, this is just a suggestion. There are other ways to fix the pacing that you might prefer.
   3) I like what I’m seeing for the character arc. You clearly have a progression planned, and know what you need to do in order to accomplish it. As I say in the running notes, I think tightening this up is just a matter of picking a few things to focus on, and making sure everything in the story revolves directly around that. Beyond that, I think most of the character notes I would give are covered by the language notes—as you get deeper into the narrator’s head and work on your wordcraft, the narrator’s character arc will become more vivid and powerful.
Other than that, I think most of my immediate thoughts I covered in the running notes. This is a solid entry, keep up the good work!

Translating the usual 8-point scale to short stories, I’d give this 5/8.

STORY B:
= Opening with worldbuilding can work if your setting is unique enough, but it’s usually better to start with action or character to hook your reader.
= Alright I have trouble believing that humanity would ever just pack up and let nature take back over. It would be a logistical nightmare with millions of deaths that would require mass consensus across the species. Not very likely to happen. But this is a nitpick.
= This premise reminds me a lot of the search for WondLa if you’ve heard of that.
= There’s a bit of redundancy here, where you’re repeating the same information without needing to. Like: “People had gone to sleep … those like Asha.” This whole sentence is repeating what we already know. And “One of the last souls awake” is again, something we already know. EDIT: This trend continues throughout the story, making what should be a fairly quick summary drag on for a while. Practically every piece of information is repeated at least once.
= And now a hundred years are passing. I’m not really sure what the point of introducing Asha was? I assume she would be the main character and it’s jarring to have that not be the case.
= You’re telling this story (or large parts of it, at least) in past perfect tense instead of just past tense. It makes sense since this is an info dump, but it leads to a lot of sentences being unnecessarily wordy. I’d recommend just sticking with a regular past tense.
= The description is decent, but seems really unnecessary, considering we still don’t know how any of this is relevant, and don’t have a main character yet. Descriptions are meaningful when they’re relevant to the action. As things stand, I don’t really care that the alien cities are lush or shine like gems.
= This is the second time you’ve introduced a character and then immediately dropped them. It’s still disorienting.
= I’m confused at the sudden change in personality of the Korr’hai. Why did they kill the stewards, but not these new humans?
= Wait, so the Korr’hai share their rich history, and then they figure out how to communicate?

Overall:
This is fine. It’s main problem is just that it doesn’t seem to go anywhere.
This feels like an extended voiceover prologue. Or like you’re trying to do a Tolkein thing and tell a story in the style of the Silmarillion. As much as I do like the Silmarillion, it’s widely unread because it’s an incredibly dense history, and very difficult for readers to get into. It really only works because Tolkein put in literal decades of worldbuilding and was a master of the craft. This is a world that (I assume) you invented for the sake of this prompt, and it doesn’t have nearly the amount of care put into it to pull off that kind of historical narrative.
I actually like historical narratives, but there are a number of weird things about this story that prevent me from really enjoying it:
   = Plot holes and basic sequence weirdness. Events sometimes seem to happen in the wrong order.
   = Characters are introduced and then immediately dropped. When you introduce a character, we assume they’re going to do something important and have some impact on the story. When they don’t, it’s jarring.
   = Large groups of people making unanimous decisions with no dissent. Humans aren’t a monolith, Korr’hai aren’t a monolith. For any major decision—like entering cryostasis—I assume there will be large quantities of people who would refuse to do it. But this is totally unaddressed. It feels unrealistic.
   = I think the biggest problem is that there’s no conflict. The Silmarillion had tons. Here things just happen. Okay, but what was the point of it? It’s okay to tell an optimistic story about two species cooperating, but in order for it to mean anything, characters have to struggle in order to get there. The more obstacles they face, the more meaningful it is.
You have two options:
   1) Spend the next 20 years developing a history for this world, complete with 3 or four new languages. Then you can tell this story as a historical narrative.
   2) Pick the character or scenario that interests you the most, and commit yourself to telling that story, in a more present and immersive way.
In a lot of ways, this feels like a prologue or bedtime story that a child living in this world might hear. Then; as the real story progresses we would learn about all the ways that it’s actually a simplified and innaccurate version of the world’s real history. That would explain the plot holes and simplistic depiction of groups. But there’s no hint of this within the context of what’s here.
The language is technically sound, and has a decent flow, but it’s very bland. This may have been intentional since this is meant to be a summary of historical events. But even for historical narratives, I strongly recommend adding some flavor to your narration.
(Assuming this isn’t AI-generated, as Malk says. It does read a lot like chat GPT, which is also very bland and prone to the exact sort of weirdness I’m noticing here. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, since a lot of human writers make these mistakes as well. But if this is AI, then fuck you for wasting my time. I write these reviews because I want to give helpful feedback to people who care about their writing. AI can be useful for many tasks, but it’s insulting to post it unlabeled in community meant for human writers.)
One way to add flavor to a history is to frame it as a story some in-universe character is telling—for instance, if you’d opened with the parents and child you include at the end. That’s a good compromise option for when you want to tell a history, but also want to ground the story in real characters. Then you can add conflict and a plotline to the interactions between the people telling the stories; and have the story itself parallel that conflict.
In sum; this would work a lot better if you found a story and character to center it around rather than just narrating it as a history.

Translating the usual 8 point scale to short stories; I’d give this a 3/8.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
I'm sorry, the maximum is supposed to be 2000 words.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

My vote is for Story A. I'd explain why, but I think Gryphon has already done that fairly well.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

As Einstein would say "if you cant explain it simply, you dont know it well enough". I jest Gryphon, i jest, good job. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
My vote goes to Story A

Positives of Story A:

I like the way you described the surroundings. You don't go overly verbose, but are rather concise with your descriptors.

You also get to the point fairly quick: You are a scout or inspector of some kind that checks on the colonies to see if they are contributing properly.

I love how we initially underestimate the man, because he's friendly and described as short, then we think that he might kill the protagonist when he talks about how numerous young men have come before and nothing happened, and then finally when that expectation is subverted, we are shocked.

I also really like how you made an objectively evil guy kind of sympathetic. You did a good job humanizing this main character in the short space you were given.

The final twist where he doesn't get the promotion is well done. It's short and punchy, you don't waste many words describing him melodramatically reacting to it. He does sink to his knees, but you did a good job describing that.

Negatives of Story A:

Not a fan of that opening sentence. Generally, pithy opening sentences could work, but if there is a purpose, and it just feels out of place with the rest of the story.

I also got confused at some of your grammar choices, like "I blink; such open friendliness is unusual". Technically it's grammatically correct, but it feels a bit abrupt.

Also, at times it felt like you used too many words describing the character's thoughts about why he's doing it. You could communicate that our main hero is going to doom the colony by saying that he's looking out for his family in less words, since you only get 2000 of them.

Then again, these aren't really negatives so much as places you can improve.

Overall, I liked the story, and I really felt for the protagonist. I loved the descriptors, and the colony truly felt beautiful and a wonder of nature. You did a good job making the readers feel sad at the end. All that destruction was for nothing, since our hero didn't even get the promotion. It's good that he dusted off his pants and decided to keep going. I just don't get how he still believes he's doing good for the community, when he clearly has selfish motives and just destroyed an ecosystem. I think that last sentences was made to be ironic, so good job author of this story, that was a good way to end it.

Story B

Positives:

Good job on the world building. It's also a pretty ambitious idea, that seems like the start of something that has the potential to be good. But it doesn't really stand on it's own for me, something just feels a bit off about it

Negatives: This story felt like a summary of the events. It felt like the frame story that acts as a prologue. Maybe a story that the main character gets told. Essentially you did a good job setting up, but it never felt like an actual story. It just felt like one long drawn out backstory, and we're waiting for the good part to start, but it never does because the story ends in backstory.

Maybe you were trying to do a story that delineates the history of the 2 civilizations. In order to do that, you need to add more because it feels like a prologue rather than a story about 2 civilizations

I don't really know what to make of it, I feel like this story belongs as a backstory in a longer novel. And then, the backstory sets up for the events of the novel. I saw some comments saying it could be AI generated, and while I don't want to jump to accusations, AI does tend to describe rather than tell the story the way a human would. AI would say this happened, then this happened, then this happened, but it's more interesting if a character goes through those events and we explore it gradually rather than someone just saying "a small malfunction rippled throughout the cry facility". The story just felt vague, the beginnings of a really good idea that needed to be explored a lot more. Once you develop the framework you can add interesting characters, events. Entry B is a great story idea and once it gets fully conceptualized I'm sure it would be a great story.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
My vote goes to Story A. Good job on actually writing a story. Both left something to be desired, but Story B is a lot worse. The way the story is told, it reads something like a bare-bones outline for a trilogy. I like it as an idea. There's just a severe lack of human understanding of what makes a piece of writing a story versus a series of plot points.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

You actually just hit the nail on the head on what i was feeling from story B when i kept saying it feels more like a "summary of events". Its more like a storyboard, a reference piece to know the direction of your story, it doesnt feel like the story itself though. Yes, thats it.  Thats what i was trying to convey. Feels more like an outline. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

It will be really sad if abge did use AI AGAIN. It seems like she can and has wrote stories without using AI in the past too, so its just like, why? Brain rot. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I prefer Story A. Personally, I like that Story A focuses more on the individual character. Unfortunately, Story B reads like a somewhat disjointed summary of events. There's no real reason to care about any of the characters, as there's no real way to empathise with them. Story A, I could understand the main character's perspective, even though I didn't agree with it...and I held out hope that things would end better than I thought they might.

(I'd like to also say that the Thunderdome is a really cool idea).

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Story A

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

100% Story A.

Besides all of Gryphon's points, Story B literally reads as a intro to something - along with random throw away characters. Yes, you got the basics down - the who, what, when, where, and why - but there is no passion in it. There's no heart in the writing. Its honestly something I feel like I would read as Sparknotes for a novel or even a wikipedia summary - rather then a short story.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Story A: I liked it.  Easy to read without any major noticeable spelling or grammar issues. Characterization was decent but some of the motivations just felt a bit empty.  Just because he didn't get this promotion doesn't mean he can't get another one in the near future.  Apparently he has already destroyed and had people run over to accomplish his goal in the past, and having not even taken the tour, it seemed weird that he would be that attached to this community. However, the story worked and overall I liked it.

story b: well I tried reading it but got bored after a couple sentences.  So then I tried to convince my robot slave to read it but she refused since she doesn't like reading things written by other robots.

 

Vote is for story A

 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Story A is a pretty interesting little story that highlights the human condition, with an ethically troubled main character that struggles with the prompt. However, it spends a little too much time describing thoughts relative to the action taking place. As a result, the action feels a bit rushed. The process of the city being destroyed is way too fast, especially with the character somehow learning of the results of the promotion before it's even completed. That part seemed a bit hamfisted, and definitely could've been executed smoother (or simply left open to interpretation for some element of suspense).

Story B gave me a weird vibe from the beginning, but the end seals the deal. The aliens just randomly learn to communicate with the humans, and this HUGE event (has anyone seen the movie Arrival?) is glossed over in a way that feels like a dictionary definition or movie plot summary. I do not think a human would write a story that's not actually a story, unless they did so with some form of assistance. Perhaps they used a lot of sAId assistance, but who can really say if they did or didn't do so. It's not like they have a trend of doing so on previous projects.

I vote for Story A.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Arrival is a great movie, I loved it much. That and interstellar are some of my favourite time warp movies. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Yeah, same. Most sci fi movies now are really just action movies, those are among the very few that felt like they took time and effort to explore an interesting concept for its own sake. Much more in line with the original purpose of the genre.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I would vote for A.

Story A is an interesting tragedy.  I agree with many of Gryphon's points.  Deeper exploration of the wonders of this colony, or giving more depth to the Community that the narrator comes from would help enrich the world and the contexts.  It also seems odd to me that a Community with the technology to reach far flung lands across vast deserts in less than a day and mow over an entire area to prep for planting in even less time than that would not have some kind of satellite or aerial surveillance that would seeming render the scout's purpose somewhat moot.

Story B could be a interesting, positive, deep future history, except that it is written in an oddly disjointed and barely-sensical way.  A character is introduced and named and then immediately discarded.  No explanation for why the Korr'hai seemly lost whatever technology allowed them to reach Earth in the first place. Histories are shared before a means of communication is established.  The sudden appearance of a second moon at the end of the story (fourth paragraph from the end).  I agree with the numerous other comments that this feels like it is edited AI.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Barely skimmed, but A has too many commas. On the other hand, B is about climate change and generally seems worse from the sentences I read.

I guess I’ll give it to A, but you need to use more semicolons smh.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

You are legitimately not human.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Why even vote then?

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
....DB has pointed out that I missed a joke here. THERE WAS A LOT GONG ON OKAY.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Hardy har har

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Just read it and holy shit you actually used semicolons lmao

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
All right, I'm going to call this now, but I really hope those of you who had intended to vote will still be able to get a little feedback out for Story A, as this whole situation was pretty unfair to Fresh.

Story B however has the dubious honor of being the first in Thunderdome history ever disqualified.

I'd like to thank Fresh for her time, but I'm sorry this turned out the way it did when you had made an honest attempt to compete in good faith.

If I ever get such a strong sense that a story was generated again, I'll just refuse to accept it outright rather than let anyone waste their time. But for the sake of science I had wanted to see other people's reactions when it was presented anonymously, just in case my knowing who the authors were meant by own read on it was off or biased.

Anyway, the duel was a bust, but we might just have a hanging soon.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
I'd really thought that they had learned their lesson after they were brought back from the dead.

I mean before being banned, they were told exactly why they were being banned, and then were allowed to come back on the condition they won't make the same mistake, so why would they do it again?

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I handwrote my story and then ran it through a few grammar checkers such as 

https://quillbot.com/grammar-check

I did not use any form of Artificial intelligence to help me write my story. Yes I did run it through some AI checkers once someone accused me of it and it did say it was 50ish% AI-generated, but then I ran another piece of my work from last year that was also handwritten just to check, and it was like 80% AI-generated. Honestly, It may be how I write that raises more alarms in the checking thingy. 

But I swear on both my parent's lives that I did not use any form of AI to write this. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
I think I can see your point. AI-checkers can be finicky sometimes. But at the same time, it's not just the AI-detectors. For instance hetero-malk and many of us clocked it without the use of any detectors, and with both stories anonymized.

The main thing that threw a lot of us off was past history of AI allegations as well as just the style of story listing out a series of events, rather than telling the story. Usually, most short stories don't really say "this and this happened". To quote from other comments, that reads like a Sparknotes summary. Like Gryphon said though, you could have been telling a fable, in the vein of Tolkien's Silmarillon, so in that case, maybe it was a stylistic choice? Please answer this, so we can understand how you approached it better. I'm inclined to believe you, at least you're defending yourself passionately and making a case.

It could be just the way you write rather than an AI doing the writing. Plus like Ogre said, some detectors did show 0 percent. But many people here have very valid points as to why it is AI. They thought some of the plot choices were unusual and just the way the story reads sounds like a summary. Just tell us a bit about how you chose to approach the idea and come at it, maybe you were going for a history/fable like Gryphon said in their comment?

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I started this on Monday and spent about three hours working on it when I got the chance. And the master procrastinator I am, I left proofreading for the next day. I ran out of time to proofread fully and that is why it's choppy at places. I wanted to add another paragraph right between the story and real life, but frankly, I didn't spend my time well. I meant it to be like a parent-child moment in a world of newfound co-existence, but I guess most people didn't pick up on that. I wanted to avoid being accused of using AI again, so I tried not to use any AI-based grammar checkers either, just to make sure. But apparently, it still is coming up as AI-written even though I did write it without the tool. Honestly, It's the way I write, I know in my heart that this is my work that I spend upwards of six hours working on. So you guys can say that I didn't write it, but at least I know that I did. 

Also, I meant it to sound like a recap to the reader so It was more powerful when It switched back to real time.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
You can use AI-grammar checkers, that's not really what any of us are worried about. We just felt that the story itself, the bare bones of the plot and how you told the story was generated because it was really well written and polished, but it didn't have a soul.

But now that you said what you were going for, I think you're legit. You just write in a more expository-format which threw a lot of people off.

I also understand the time crunch. Thank you for explaining these in more detail, I think I understand your mindset and the way you approached the story.

I don't think you used AI now that you explained a bit more. Check out the comments for why we had many red flags about the writing. Try to show us these same events rather than telling, I feel like unless you're Tolkien or someone who built a world, we would prefer to see a character go through those events rather than just having it told to us. I now realize that that was a stylistic choice on your part, not because its AI. Also keep in mind that usually whenever you tell AI to generate a story, AI tends to list off a series of events, and just describe it because it hasn't really gotten the hang of telling an original story with depth.

It also doesn't hurt to dive into more complexities and write more conflict, rather than a utopian world with 2 alien races getting along. I'm not saying if you do write a story with everyone getting along, it's automatically AI, that just threw us off because we didn't feel much conflict, it just felt like the events of the story were being read off to us and then wrapped up in a nice bow without that emotional catharsis.

Do you understand a bit better why we thought it was AI generated?

Have you gone through some of the comments? When you have time over the weekend go through some of the comments, they explain really well why your story was flagged for being AI. And keep in mind that it's not just one person, or it's not like we all decided to say it's AI, we came at that conclusion based on the way the story was written, it didn't seem like you wrote it. You did explain what you were going for, so I think you might have wrote it on your own, although I'm not 100 percent sure

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Yes, I do understand, I meant for everyone to get along in the future from that moment if you know what I mean. Maybe I could go in-depth if I even extend the story. Maybe there are wars and stuff like that. But in this story, it wasn't meant to be like that, It was purely based on co-existence and colonization. (Which was meant to resemble the argument that Fresh and I had that started this whole thing) 

I do have Alexithymia, which is a disorder where you have trouble expressing emotions and maybe that translated into my writing. 

 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Have you read Gryphon's comment? I highly recommend you read it.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Yes, I am not upset that people think that I didn't write it. I see this as a learning opportunity, maybe I should work on emotional depth in stories and not skip around to places just because it's convenient. Thank you for caring. Iv'e has been accused of using AI at school, too, for the same reasons that Gryphon said, but it was easily disproved based on the circumstances. but I don't have access to ChatGPT on my Computer anyway because the school has it blocked on everyone's computers. And Honestly, Iv'e never used ChatGPT before, Iv'e seen my parents use it, but we are strictly forbidden to use it, so frankly, I haven't gotten a chance to play around with it either.

I am honored to have someone willing to let people explain themselves.

 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
As the Korr’hai shared their rich history and the wisdom of their ancestors, the humans began to understand the delicate balance of life on this vibrant planet, igniting a desire for coexistence rather than conflict.

Gradually, both species started to communicate by exchanging words and gestures.


Like others have pointed out, it feels really unlikely that a human would put those two events in that order. Among other red flags. And we've seen samples of previous writing so I'm not sure it works insisting your "style" just happens to have abruptly shifted to something instantly recognizeable to most as inhuman.

I also personally can not believe that anyone spent six hours on this lol. I'm gonna be real, your last posts feel like the only fiction you've written in this thread.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Yeah, I didn't realize that that sounded so inhuman, though I blame this on Grammarly, which suggested that word order to sound more sophisticated. Next time, I will try not to rely on grammar checkers so much. But no, AI didn't write any part of my story, and I can guarantee that. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
You misunderstood Mizal's comment. It's not the word order. It's the fact that it doesn't logically make sense. You put that the 2 species, humans and korrhai started to communicate after the Korrohai shared their history.

That doesn't make sense. How can the alien race share their history before they learn to communicate with humans? This is bigger than word order.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Yes, I see what you mean. I think I left too much of the story for the reader to interpret, and If I even enter another contest, I will make sure to add more context and detail so that it's clearer. But honestly, that may be a result of trying to rush to get it in in time. Thank you for your comment I am taking notes so I can improve in the future!

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
oh yeah, I see your point. I forgot about the time crunch, I guess you could make logical inconsistencies when you're running out of time. That adds up.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Have you considered that you might not actually be human?

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Hmm... Yes actually. How would I know?

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Skynet sucks

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
I miss stargirl.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Same, she said she isn't coming back. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
I do recall another thread around this time last year where that was presented as a possible theory as to how she read over 1000 stories in a day, and each in like 20 seconds.

She was willing to argue plenty then too that she had really put the work in and that we were mistaken despite it being obvious to everyone.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
I didn't know about the thread last year. Damn, that's really suspicious.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I did do that, hence my reputation being so shitty. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I challenge you to watch both arrival and interstellar since you love rating movies. And if you do not cry to either one, you're not human and we have proof of such. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I have watched both of those movies, and I did not "Feel" any emotion, and I certainly didn't cry.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Wow. Just. Wow. You're more AI then C3PO 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I don't remember ever crying before, I've had mental breakdowns, but I've never cried before. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

You don't feel ANY emotion? No wonder you struggle expressing emotions, you ain't got none apparently. I'm actually so confused how your mind works, that's so odd. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Yes, I don't feel emotion like the "Average" Person, and when I lost my grandma due to a heart attack, I didn't feel anything. When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, I didn't "Feel" anything. Iv'e never had a crush or attraction to anyone, being plutonic or nonplutonic. 

Though I can feel emotion through text, and If I relate to the person, then sometimes I can feel emotion. However, there is a disconnect.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Plutonic

Yes, aliens probably also use AI to write.

 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

So this isn't Normal?

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
No, changing personalities ten times a week isn't normal.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
"I don't feel emotions like the average person does"

"Wait you mean this isn't like the average person?"

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Oh nvm, already dead.

Well at least they were put down before they started typing in Ravenic's "demon" font.

But move along citizens, nothing to see here.

If anybody has any further feedback for Fresh's story though I'm sure it would be appreciated. Really got the spotlight stolen by the sideshow.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

It's alright, always willing to step aside to allow a joke to land

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
I'm convinced Abge is an AI that just installed a Grammarly-like sanitization software. It would certainly explain the pronoun thing and why her posts suddenly lack a sense of personality.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Explains the pronouns 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Blaming a grammar checker for your use of AI to write your story is stupid.  YOU are responsible for what you write and post.  

I use Grammarly both personally and professionally for checking grammar on my emails, and other documents that I must produce. It does NOT do what you are claiming it does as far as changing all content and words. It will point out grammar, spelling, punctuation mistakes..  Unless of course you are using the Grammarly AI writing assistance to write, which is what I suspect you did.  

Quit making excuses for what you did.  None of us will believe you.  We arent that dumb.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
If you look at their game Digital Consciousness from last year, yeah its pretty rough and amateurish, but it's full of onomatopoeia, active events, and varied sentence structure. That's their "style", having Grammarly clean up the punctuation wouldn't change that.

Maybe a little moot now, but it's not like it was hard to tell that something was off with this, or when there's suddenly a game with a 70k wordcount they'd been working on "for two years" and it was that dramatically different in every way.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I agree, all my latest Thunderdome entries were all spell- and grammar checked by grammarly and no one did say that they were written by AI lol.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Oh, if End had just waited a bit I'm sure we'd have been told about another mental illness Ab been diagnosed with that made them tell elaborate untruths this way.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
It's actually so sad, because I was really excited and happy that she'd made a 70k word game. Like that's a huge acomplishment. Sad to know it was fake.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

This one was easily the most egregious and abrupt shift in my opinion: 

Over the first hundred years, the Earth Stewards fulfilled their duty, passing down knowledge, repairs, and the solemn oath to awaken humanity when the time was right. The earth had started repairing itself, but the stewards remained patient. They knew little of what was to come.

The Korr’hai, an ancient race of wanderers, traveled the cosmos in search of planets rich in resources and ecosystems. It had been centuries since humans plagued the earth with fossil fuels and toxic waste; the earth was reborn. This new race claimed the unguarded land, taking it as their own, and when the stewards realized what was happening, it was far too late.

 

It just feels so random to me. I had to stop reading when I read this the first time and re read thinking I missed some vital information. 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

It's the second moon that comes out of nowhere that jumped out at me most.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
It's almost like the author's memory for context reached some kind of hard character limit and so they forgot this wasn't an actual alien planet.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Commended by Mizal on 11/14/2024 8:47:10 PM

I wrote mine in two hours. Suck it.

Also I wrote Gay and DepressedER!! (besides the first 100 words) in one hour. My writing is still distinctively human and coherent

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
I need to reread that, an hour is impressive.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

We're not doing this again.

Fresh wins.

Ab is pardoned, and by pardoned I mean banned.

Don't bother groveling this time.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Commended by EndMaster on 11/14/2024 3:09:06 PM
Very thoughtful of you to attend your daughter's Thunderdome match and then personally murder the opposition

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

I like this iteration of the thunderdome:

"Two men enter, one man leaves"

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Or, because of the they/them situation:

"Several men enter, one man leaves."

 

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Yay me!

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
This is actually the highest post count for a Thunderdome ever!

....second place would be #13, which was full of Ravenic's drama.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

If only one of the stories had included a paragraph of truly fucking up making some food, it might have become the most posted thread of all time.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
They all cook with such nonsensical AI logic IRL, that could've become a problem.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago
Story A is really solid imo. I think it’s mainly plagued by two main problems. The first is the clunky exposition. There are a lot of times in the story where the character delivers detail that doesn’t make any sense. The first example of this is paragraph 5. You can’t look at that and tell me it sounds natural at all. There’s a lot more examples of this. I think it’s fine to communicate the character’s thoughts, and that can be a good way to give exposition like this. Maybe even just rephrasing it. Instead of “Currently, I’m a scout.” it could be “As a scout, it’s my job to…” The phrasing isn’t perfect, this is still exposition, but it’s a better method of delivery I think. This is also a problem when he’s talking about his family, and other parts of the story. The second is clunky dialogue. The example I’ll provide here is "Are you going to cooperate with the repurposing for the good of the community...". I don’t have to go into why this isn’t good. There’s a lot of clunky wording in the way people talk. Now onto what was good. The plot didn’t linger. This could be good or bad, but the fact that the main character didn’t go on the tour was a smart one, especially for this word count. I like the descriptions. Sometimes it feels like you have a good mastery of language and other times it feels really clunky. You use words I’m not aware of, like adobe, and semicolons, which takes real balls. (Not that I know if you used them correctly lmao.) I like the ending, at least the parts where the language isn’t clunky. It’s really fitting and obviously he continues onward. The lesson of “just avert your mind from the tragedy you create” is a powerful one. I think this is a good story, and it makes me hopeful for what you create in the future.

Once Upon a Time in Thunderdome 17: Fresh vs Abge

one month ago

Semicolons are so easy.

Basically, you use them to connect two full sentences that relate to each other. 

There was a tree; it had green leaves and a brown trunk.

This is a sentence; this is a sentence as well.