I’m voting for Story B because I think it did a better job of accomplishing its purpose. The emotional impact intended with Story A just didn’t quite land for me, but Story B was meant to be entertaining and it succeeded.
Story A:
The wording on the opening line is pretty awkward. Was it less dangerous to be a girl with someone else? What does that even mean?
I actually really do like the second sentence, though. The oversized coat gives us the idea that our MC is a small girl, and the bitterly cold winds instantly inform us that she’s in a less than favorable position.
Despite careful patching and repairs, it was almost too ragged now to do her any good, but except for her knife and hatchet it was all she had.
Add a comma after “hatchet” or split this into two sentences with a period after “good”
I do really like “Only moonlight guided her way”
You should probably either say “a structure> or “structures”.
She knew it was not the place she sought, and from the lack of any lights it was clearly abandoned, but hoped to find a place to shelter there and rest.
To keep parallelism throughout the sentence, you should add “she” before “hoped”.
There was nothing to indicate the nature of the disaster that had emptied the place or even if there had been one, and no skeletons around; though she wondered with a shiver if they might have gotten up and walked away with some passing warlord.
Typically you want to avoid using “was” and other forms of it in your writing, and go for action verbs (there are exceptions but I don’t think this is one). Replacing the first five words with “nothing indicated” would make the sentence stronger.
You also should add a comma after “place”
Should say “there were” no skeletons around to be grammatically correct, though also it could be reworded to avoid usage of a form of “was”; something like “no skeletons could be seen” or better yet, “she saw no skeletons”
That semicolon there is wrong; if you use a semicolon, you don’t use a conjunction to start the next sentence.
Closer to the coast where the journey had started there had been several villages like this, but here
“There had been several villages like this closer to the coast, where the journey had started. Here, though,”
The posts didn’t bother translating their lettering? Are these sentient posts?
You shouldn’t have the comma after that parenthetical phrase
“half-rotten” should be hyphenated (hyphenate adjectives that aren’t each individually describing the noun, but instead go together and are before the noun)
But staring at it a long moment revealed nothing, having her finally convince herself
“Having” is the wrong verb here. Try something like “causing her to” or “making her”
with a jolt of fear she turned one again.
“once”
The creature bit her leg then, and she cried out in pain, but had had just enough time to grab her knife.
Get rid of the comma after “pain”
Returning by late evening, basket full of herbs but her stomach growling
“her basket”
>handling it in a casual way that suggested they already considered it there's
Should be “theirs”
Leris had injured his leg hunting, so Kasia had stayed with him while
You don’t need the second “had”
to find Leris had been stabbed with a spear multiple times in his sleeping bag, and to see men who looked and spoke like these, and carried the same kinds of weapons, laughing as they dragged Kasia away.
You don’t need a comma after “these” and. Having removed that, you should also rid yourself of the comma after “weapons”
Outnumbered she had only been able to hide and listen to her friend's screams until they abruptly ended.
Comma after “outnumbered”
They had started out with such hope
Just “They had started with such hope” works fine
The only place left in the region where they'd been told laws and protection for the weak were still upheld.
This is a sentence fragment.
One of the men was keeping watch
You can rephrase this to say “One of the men had been keeping watch”, which also flows better with the rest of the sentence.
Okay, I like the way the last sentence ties in with the first one. I still think there’s a better way to word it, though.
So overall, you could go through and try to replace “were” and “was” with a more abundant variety of verbs. I pointed out a few, but there are more strewn throughout.
You also say “finally” a lot, and there are times I’d suggest using shorter sentences to make the narrative more punchy and dramatic.
…oh yeah, the actual story and plot and stuff.
At the beginning you say all she has is a ragged coat, axe, and knife, but then later it says kindling is knocked out of her hand.
I think the flashbacks should’ve started earlier, so I’d have more of a reason for caring about the MC before she gets attacked.
We also get introduced to two disembodied names right after each other after a lot of time spent without any.
It feels like the only real action happens at the very end, and then the story stops pretty abruptly. I had only just started to get a taste for who this girl even is, and then it’s over. You had a whole 800 words left, I think you should’ve made use of them.
Story B:
I really like this opening sentence. It tells me a lot about the setting and the MC right off the bat.
There were rumors that the few of them that still leave their Dyson Sphere home system
“The few of them who”
“This kind of ruins” should be “these kinds of ruins” due to verb-noun agreement (plural noun, plural verb)
I’m not sure you meant for that extra “i” in “mini-ichainsaw”, but maybe you did.
One or twice the whirring chain of the saw made contact with the metal, but did little more than whine.
“Once or twice”
Also should either add “it” after “but” or get rid of the comma
he had a roughly doorway shaped opening cleared
This -ly word could be avoided without too much difficulty.
Also, hyphenate “doorway-shaped”
If you don't want to get rid of "roughly", you can say "roughly-shaped doorway"
Hyphenate “two-ton”
It should be “reptilian”
mass of muscles, scales and teeth
looks both ways in caution You should have a comma before “and”
He didn’t even notice that he had stepped through the silently appearing opening in the wall, until it reconstructed itself like magic right in front of him.
No comma needed
Evidently ending a sentence with a preposition is fine, but ending a sentence with “was” still grates against my soul
The nanosphere had been so delicately beautiful, he had expected a similar delicate wonder and beauty inside
Add a “that” before “he”
I feel like you could come up with a better word for “very bad”
“Mini saw” is two words usually, but I acknowledge that in your funky world it may not be
“Backwards” should be “backward”
There were splatters of red, yellow and purple outside
You just really hate the Oxford comma, huh.
His display filled with potential breach alerts and alarms.
You actually need to add a transitive verb here (was) to be grammatically correct, though I would of course advise rewording it entirely to avoid that.
A matte black hand grabbed his arm, a matte black arm caught his shoulders.
Either add a conjunction or make that comma a semicolon (we both know which I would suggest)
“Upright” is one word
All the time and money, and he was left with nothing but more questions and no proof to show anyone.
“All that time and money”
Onto the, uh, important part: the story
You make good use of your words. I also appreciate the weird sci-fi sciency terms spersed throughout your story.
I know this probably doesn't belong in the "story" part of this, but I really appreciate your word choices. They set the tone really, really well.
The plot is well-paced; like I said, you use your limited words wisely.
The whole thing was entertaining to read, which was its purpose. Kudos.
