Story A: The Contents of the Gold Plates I Found Buried in My Backyard Translated from Unreadable Hieroglyphs
Jacob Snow, a rotund old man, paced with feverish energy at the front of the meeting hall. Sweat dripped from his face and droplets hung from the tip of his nose. As he preached, his melodious voice carried powerfully to the back of the room.
"Oh, listen to me children and be made wise! Glory to God!
"I remember when I was in my days of sin. It was back before the days of the Tribulation and the beginning of our Thousand Year Reign. I used to live down in the southern parts of a far away state called Arkansas.
"It was as in the days of Noah. There was drinkin', there was laughin', there was carrying on of all sorts, right up until the day our mass of filthy rags piled up to the doorstep of Heaven's temple. That was when the Lord began to pour out the wrath of the Heavens.
"Now, it may be hard for some of you youngun's to believe, but my generation was one of untold wickedness, greater than any who came before. Men married men. Sometimes they would dress up as women. Sometimes, they would take drugs to try and be women. Lemme tell you though, God's judgement always begins with the sins of the church, not with the sins of the secular world. And there was no shortage of ecclesiastical shortcomings
"All those Catholic heretics were diddling kids! It was disgraceful! And Benny Hinn and his ilk were charlatans wearing the skins of sheep. Not to mention the untold amounts of youth pastors who were sexual predators and head pastors who still from their flocks
"So, after all that time of disgusting sin, God finally poured out his wrath. A huge asteroid fell from the heavens. The secular world believed it to be random chance. Just an accident of the cosmos.
Of course, you should remember in the book of Revelation how the angel hurled the star whose name was Bitterness into the sea.
"And as it was written, so it was. The asteroid smashed into the Gulf of Mexico. The woes that followed were like nothing the world had ever seen before. Waves towered half a mile into the air, people close to the impact were burned alive, then the winds came.
"I remember standing on my porch and gazing out into the starry sky when a wind like the blast of a mighty shofar began to sound. It ripped rocks and trees from their roots. It sundered mountains and truly put the chill of death into the souls of sinners everywhere."
A man stood up in the back of the congregation. "Tell 'em about your wife Jacob. Tell 'em about your vision."
Jacob Snow smiled, wiping his face with his sleeve. "Thank you brother Henry. I was just getting to that."
He rolled his shoulders forward and got back into his preaching cadence. "As most of you know, before the great tribulation, I was married to a Jezebel who disguised herself as an angel of light.
"You see, as the asteroid came down, I was given a vision by God himself. I saw the heavens opened and the rivers of time laid bare. In them, I could see this underground congregation, our holy family.
"When I told my lovely wife, who's name will not be spoken in this assembly, she refused to believe me. She snatched the keys to our car and drove off in the direction of safety, leaving me to be buffeted by the ferocious winds.
"Luckily, God, in his infinite graciousness, saw fit to spare me. More than that, time and time again, I have been his vessel. My words are not my own, but the unwavering testimony of God himself!"
He stopped, breathed deeply, and collected himself before addressing himself to the congregation once again.
"Now, I am aware that most of you have heard this story time after time after time, so what I am about to say is mostly for the children. If any of you have questions before the ritual, please address them to me now."
A child in the front row raised his hand. Jacob smiled at him. "Speak child, what is it you're wondering about."
"How'd you get all the way to Arizona without your car?"
Jacob beamed in response. "I'm glad you asked that, child. It was just like in the book of Acts when Philip baptized the Ethiopian eunuch. I was transported by the power of the Holy Spirit."
At the encouragement of an interesting answer given to a question, several hands went up at once.
Jacob pointed out at a hand.
"I was wondering why got chose you to be our new prophet?" The little boy's mother flicked his ear.
"Fear not Sister Anita. The question was not an impertinence. The Lord chose me, because I alone in the nation was sober of mind. I was clear of the effects of alcohol, of caffeine, of pornography and television. Purity is what the lord seeks above all. Those with clean hands and a pure heart will be those to ascend his mountain, glory to God!"
One of the men in the back held up his hand and pointed at his wrist. Jacob nodded. "I've been notified that our allotted time is growing short, so let's begin the ritual."
With a well practiced fluidity, everyone in the congregation took a bottle from under their seat and swigged it down.
"Remember," Jacob said. On the day of judgement, this ritual will begin the great transformation."
Jacob paused for a moment, scanning the crowd and smiling. He held up his hand, silencing them.
"Now, it bears being mentioned that the heater in the greenhouse is on the fritz. Sister Patricia has put a sign-up sheet in the foyer so that any men with mechanical aptitude can participate in the work day. Now, remember congregation, the Lord has given us this subterranean bunker into our stewardship and expects a return on his investment."
He smiled and jade a slight bow, but as he began to turn and walk away, he was compelled to spin around to face the crowd another time.
"Ah, I almost forgot. Brother Henry!"
The man from earlier looked up at Jacob, anticipation written across his face.
Jacob looked at him with an odd sort of half-smile. "The Lord has chosen your wife Rachel to grace my bed tonight. Please have her ready to go tonight."
Brother Henry smiled, but the woman at his side blanched and looked down at her shoes.
Jacob turned and walked off the stage to the left, entering what looked like some kind of apartment just off the wing of the stage.
He sat down on a very old leather recliner, reached down and picked up a bottle of whiskey from a milk crate beside the seat.
Taking a generous swig from the bottle, he picked a remote up from the arm of the chair and clicked on the TV. For a split second, his eyes were drawn by the set of keys lying on an end table. He sighed and refocused his eyes to the animated ponies on the screen.
