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Hey everyone! Welcome to the sentence structure workshop thread! The goal of this thread is for people to give and receive feedback on their writing at the sentence level. This includes grammar, but also includes sentence structure flow, information delivery, characterization, showing vs telling, setting tone, and more.

People who expressed interest:

@MiltonManThing @Anthraxus @RKrallonor @Crimson @Suranna @PerforatedPenguin @goodnight_a @Cosmolucent_Iris @Gower @Petros @MrAce321

If you weren’t tagged but want to jump in, go for it!

Two reminders:
1) All of us here (except Gower!) are amateurs. Bear in mind that the feedback you receive may be wrong, or only situationally correct. As you assess its usefulness, take into account who is saying it, how many people are saying it, and what the context is. Is this feedback from someone with a lot of experience? What about people who write in the genre & tone you’re trying to hit? Does everyone agree or is there debate? Do people’s comments show they understand you were trying to build a tense atmosphere, or are they trying to take the passage in a direction that doesn’t match your goals?
2) This is CYS. Everyone in this thread is familiar with site culture. You should be prepared for feedback ranging anywhere from brutally honest to honestly brutal. On the flip side, if you’re giving harsh feedback, make sure it’s constructive too. If you’re going to tell someone their writing should be banned under the Geneva convention, make sure you highlight some specific details that show why, and say how the writer might improve them. And also tell people what aspects of their writing you like. Knowing what you’re doing right is just as important as knowing what you’re doing wrong.

SAMPLE POSTING:
!) Post your sample in a reply to this comment.
!) It should be about 200 words long.
!) It can be from a story, a thunderdome entry, something you wrote for this thread, or anything.
!) You’ll benefit most if it’s representative of your writing style.
!) Start with posting just one sample, and we’ll do more after handling the first batch.
!) If you have a specific goal you were trying to accomplish in the passage (like characterizing the narrator, or setting a certain tone), tell us! Then we can give feedback tailored to your goals.
!) If you have a specific question, ask it! For instance, if you’re trying to strike an ominous tone, ask reviewers to tell you what tone they thought the passage conveyed.

EDITING:
You’re encouraged to do sentence edits of other people’s work, even if A) someone else has already done one, or B) you don’t know where to begin. Individual reviewers all have personal taste, so multiple edits are always helpful to writers. Similarly, practicing doing these edits is just as important for your own skill building. You may find you learn more from editing other people’s work than from getting feedback on your own. If other people have already done edits on a passage, maybe do your own first without looking at them, and then compare afterwards to assess how well you did. Similarly, you’re encouraged to give feedback and do analyses on other people’s edits, and let people know what aspects of their commentary were most helpful. If you want feedback on how useful your edit was, ask for it!

POSSIBLE FUTURE PLANS:
!) I will probably make a summary post of general sentence structure advice at some point; others are encouraged to do the same.
!) If people show sustained interest in this, it might be cool to highlight a different topic from week to week. We could do a week on action writing, exposition delivery, character voice, etc. But let’s start simple.
!) I’ll most likely be commending a lot of posts on this thread. I’m not going to commend EVERY post, just those that show particular effort, or a sample of posts from everyone who participates.
!) If this really takes off, there might be point rewards for things like best edits, most improved, or similar. But again, there’s not much point in this if the thread dies after 5 posts.

Post away!

Here’s an example of what the formatting for a sentence edit might look like:

ORIGINAL (opening passage of Secrets of the Crag):
Though you've lived in Stonewood Village all your life, you've never been exploring in this part of the hills.  When you were younger your parents forbode it--and by the time you were old enough to set your own rules, avoiding the Crag had become simply a natural habit.  Nobody from Stonewood went there.  It just wasn't safe--and more than that, it just wasn't right.  The Crag was a place for the adventurers and wanderers that occasionally passed through the village, not for real people.

EDIT:
Though you've lived in Stonewood Village all your life, you've never been exploring in explored this part of the these hills.  When you were younger your parents forboade it--and by the time you were old enough to set your own rules, avoiding the Crag had become was just simply a natural habit.  Nobody from Stonewood went there.  It just wasn't safe--and more than that, it just wasn't right.  The Crag was a place for the adventurers and wanderers that occasionally passed through the village, not for real people.
(Add additional feedback here.)

NEW:
Though you've lived in Stonewood Village all your life, you've never explored these hills.  When you were young your parents forbode it--and by the time you were old enough to set your own rules, avoiding the Crag was just habit.  Nobody from Stonewood went there.  It wasn't safe--and it wasn't right.  The Crag was for the adventurers that occasionally passed through the village, not real people.

Here’s an example of what the formatting for a sentence edit might look like:

Could be

For those who want to participate, one way that you could post an edit of a sentence is as follows:

For the "EDIT" section, I notice you used strikethrough and bold font. Those will only be available to those who want to write their own HTML in their post, or those who use the fancy editor. If you're not using the fancy editor, you might need to learn HTML, or you can just post words to describe what you mean.

Oh yeah, I saw that section but decided I wasn't doing any of it lol. To my thinking the posts are just choppy and ugly that way, and it's a lot of extra work. I see no reason the author can't just read the words the normal way without signpost markers.

Yeah that post was just meant to be an example, I wasn't expecting anyone else to do that

On this post, clearly the "Yeah" is quite casual, but that's appropriate in some writing, depending on your audience. If this were intended for the average Internet reader, it's certainly acceptable. But, if you're looking to a more formal or work audience, I would avoid the use of that particular word.

If you do, in this sentence I'd suggest a comma after the word "Yeah." In this case, that word is really an introductory word, and those are normally followed by a comma because they're a separate part of the sentence.

In this case, I beleive a semicolon also might be more functional in the middle of the sentence. The comma is generally used when the two separate phrases are connected with a word like "and," "but," or "or." In this case, both parts of the sentence appear to be two independent clauses (that could be separate sentence) that are not connected. If that is the case, a semicolon is more proper.

"Wasn't" is a proper contraction, but if this is formal writing, you might consider writing out both the words, "was" and "not."

It appears that your use of the word "that" in this case is as a demonstrative pronoun, referring back to the previous post, so in that case, it is permitted to use at the end of a sentence. However, there should likely be a period at the end of the sentence to indicate to the reader that you have completed the sentence.

Jesus Christ, ogre

Ogre is a proper noun and should be capitalized.

DBNB is correct. In addition, that is not really a complete sentence. A complete sentence really needs to have both a subject and a verb. In this case you appear to just have an exclamation. In some cases, it may be appropriate to leave off the subject and verb, especially in writing exclamations when using quotations indicating the speech of a person or character in writing. It would appear that you are using this with an exclamation with the rest of the sentence implied. For example, you may have been thinking, "Jesus Christ, Ogre, that was a really awesome post." If this were part of a longer section of prose, this would make more sense, but since this thread is about working on proper and correct sentences (primarily in English), then you would really need just a bit more here to make that complete sentence. The lack of punctuation at the end of your phrase really solidifies that there needs to be more here to make a sentence.

Jesus Christ, Ogre, how long are you going to correct people's posts for? Especially the ones that aren't meant to be dissected? Will you never get bored?

Until they LEARN.

Perhaps you didn't read the initial post in this thread: "The goal of this thread is for people to give and receive feedback on their writing at the sentence level. This includes grammar, but also includes sentence structure flow, information delivery, characterization, showing vs telling, setting tone, and more."

Alright, fair enough. I guess the way I interpreted that instruction was for people to offer select pieces of writing. Specifically creative writing, so I didn't see this interpretation till now. That's a good point you made Ogre.

I saw that edit.

I had to do it quickly, can't forget those periods now can you? Punctuation is vital.

Jesus Christ, Ogre, how long are you going to correct people's posts for?

 

This sentence would probably be better structured as:

Jesus Christ, Ogre, for how long are you going to correct people's posts?

 

Or he can use less commas (and change the wording of the second half for clarity)!

Jesus Christ Ogre, for how long will you continue to correct people's posts?

This is a 216 word excerpt from a secret project. (This is a ploy to get early editing for FREE):

You clench your teeth and shoulder your way into the grimy gas station bathroom. You stand there in the middle looking at the filth encrusted drain in the middle of the floor for much longer than a perfectly sane person would.

Try as you might, you can't stop the shuddering sobs from leaving your body. You begin to hyperventilate noisily.

You force your head upward. You see a haggard, unkempt version of yourself staring back through shaky and bloodshot eyes. Your face appears in much clearer focus than it ever did before that incident in the old dockyard.

After all this mess, it's still just you staring back out of the mirror. That thought burns you like a branding iron.

After a moment of watching, your arms jerk upward to cover your face. Like touching an aching tooth with your tongue just to see if it still hurts, you look up over your arms another time.

A panic seizes you. You wind up and throw a devastating straight right into the mirror. The glass shatters in a violent, almost cartoonish way as your fist plows through the mirror and into the concrete beneath.

"You alright in there?" You hear the attendant call from outside. She must be terrified.

"I'm fine," you lie. "I'll be right out."

The main thing I'd suggest is keeping an eye out for the number of sentences that start with 'You', especially when they're clustered together. They're not like, overwhelming here, but I see enough in this sampling it could indicate an overall issue in the larger work.

Most of the time those sentences are simple to tweak to break them up without disruptimg the meaning or flow:


You clench your teeth and shoulder your way into the grimy gas station bathroom. There you stare at the filth encrusted drain in the middle of the floor for much longer than a perfectly sane person would. [Removed the repeating 'middle' this way too.]

Try as you might, you can't stop the shuddering sobs from leaving your body. You begin to hyperventilate noisily. [This part was fine.]

Forcing your head upwards to face the mirror, a haggard, unkempt version of yourself stares back through shaky and bloodshot eyes. Your face appears in much clearer focus than it ever did before that incident in the old dockyard.

...

"You alright in there?" The attendant calls from outside. She must be terrified.




Just a note, there are certain actions--'you see', 'you hear'--where the fact something is being described in the story at all already implies it's seen or heard. Just like you wouldn't bother to type that someone heard with their ears, or catches a ball with their hands, you can leave those details out so they don't become redundant. If dialogue is being typed and the protagonist is reacting, we already know they heard.

This excerpt looks pretty good! The writing is engaging and clear, and I'm curious to learn more about the narrator's situation. Most of my comments are nitpicks, but I assume you came here for nitpicky feedback, so here goes:

You clench your teeth and shoulder your way into the grimy gas station bathroom. You stand there in the middle in the open looking staring at the filth encrusted drain in the middle of the floor for much longer than a perfectly sane person would.

^^I would usually change "you stand there looking" to "you look", but it's appropriate here since you're trying to show time passing. I changed "in the middle" to "in the open" to avoid repeating the word. "Staring" strikes me as more descriptive than "looking".

Try as you might, you can't stop the shuddering sobs from leaving your body. You begin to hyperventilate noisily.

You force yourself to look in the mirror head upward. You see A haggard, unkempt version of yourself starings back at you through shaky, and bloodshot eyes. Your face appears in much clearer focus than it ever did before that incident in the old dockyard.

After all this mess (consider: everything), it's still just you staring back out of the mirror. That thought burns you like a branding iron.

^^I moved the mirror to the prior paragraph so you can end your sentence on the more impactful "it's still you." I do like the branding iron metaphor, but I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean. Is the narrator desperately holding onto it, or sad, or afraid? Can you clarify?

After a moment of watching, your arms jerk upward to cover your face. You look up over scan (or equivalent verb) your arms another time, like touching an aching tooth with your tongue just to see if it still hurts.

^^I like the tooth metaphor. I swapped the order of the last sentence to put the more impactful clause last.

(Mention some detail of the arms, then very briefly describe the specific emotion that the detail triggers.) A panic seizes you. You wind up and throw a devastating smash your fist straight right into the mirror. The glass shatters in a violently, almost cartoonishly, way as your fist plows through the mirror glass and into the concrete beneath.

^^I think you get more milage using a descriptive verb like "smash" than "devastating" as an adjective. Phrases like "in a way" tend to slow down the pace; this is a nitpick.

"You alright in there?" You hear the attendant call from outside. She must be terrified.

^^I second Mizal's comments--when you cut out things like "you see", you immerse the reader more in the narrator's perspective. It saves space, and makes the description feel more immediate and relevant. Where it's useful to do this is when you're trying to increase the distance between the narrator and the story, such as when a character is dissociating in a panic. I realize you're probably doing this here, so you might actually want to leave most of this in--your call. If so, you can increase this by adding an adjective like "dimly" or "distantly" to "you hear"; again, this is optional.

"She must be terrified"; this does a good job conveying the narrator's impression of the attendant's thoughts.

"I'm fine," you lie. "I'll be right out."

I can't think of any suggestions for this one. It really sets up a lot of characterization, and presumably the conflict too in a short space, and does it well.

I will leave any critiques of this to someone smarter than me. It looks pretty good, and I think I would just muddle it.

The only suggestion I have would be "He doesn't even hold the phone out long enough for her to see it..." because I did have to read the sentence twice without the extra pronoun. Make of that what you will.

This is good! You do a good job quickly introducing the characters & scenario using relevant details. As with Petros, most of these comments are nitpicks, but I assume you wanted nitpicks.

As a side note regarding Petros's comment: I'd like to encourage anyone who isn't confident in their editing skills to go for it anyways! This is the place to give it a shot, get some practice, and receive some feedback.

Valerie watches a couple across the bar. They lean across their table, laughing and enjoying an intimate conversation. Grief, resentment, and longing leave a sinkhole in her heart as she continues to observe them. A loud laugh on the other side of the table startles her and draws side glances from other patrons.

^^If you've already established (or will establish later) that Valerie has reason to be grieved and resentful, I recommend trying to communicate this through action instead of just telling the reader. This can be done by describing her expression, physical movements, the feeling of the sinkhole in her heart, etc. If this is something you don't have a better opportunity to express, telling the reader it here is okay.

“Val, you have to see what my boss just bought! It’s not something...”

^^I'm a little unclear on who's speaking--the same person who laughed earlier? If the trailing off is due to Val not paying attention, I suggest clarifying that. It's an unusual way to end a sentence if not.

She hides a scowl behind an empty smile. He doesn’t even hold the phone out long enough for her to see it before he has his nose shoved in it again. His suit and tie are out of place in the bar, clashing with her summer dress. His perfect blonde hair, gelled to perfection, doesn’t fit with her long, dark hair highlighted by grey. Everything about him irritates her.

^^"She hides a scowl behind an empty smile" is a good example of telling through action. I really like the way you use specific actions & details about the characters to establish the narrator's thoughts about this guy.

Her eyes wander as her husband drones on about expensive wastes of money. At the bar, her eyes meet lock with a man’s she hasn’t seen in over ten years. Daniel is still just as handsome as she remembers, and she can imagines the his dimples as he grins and raises his glass to her. “I’m going to get a drink,” Val mutters, standing.

^^If this is the first time Val and Daniel are interacting in the story, I think you can get more out of Val locking eyes with this old friend. Wouldn't she be surprised to see him?

She doesn’t hear her husband’s demand for a martini.

^^Nice way to end the excerpt.

This reads as third person omniscient. The narration is somewhat distant from Val's thoughts, and "she doesn't hear..." clearly shows that the reader has access to more information than Val does. This works well for the poetic and wistful tone you're striking. This does comes at the expense of immersing the reader in the character's perspective; which can be important if this is meant to be a CYOA. Ultimately either is fine, it's just a tradeoff to be aware of.

I read "doesn't hear" as just a cute way to say she ignored him.

"Pretended not to hear" would clear that up, but might be generic enough phrasing to weaken the line.

Or, if you put "doesn't hear" in quotes that may help. 

> She "doesn't hear" her husband's demand for a martini.

Oh lol I probably should have realized that.

I think the main reason I was confused about the speaker is you just say "a loud laugh" without saying who it is laughing. I like the idea of moving that sentence to the next paragraph, since it's the start of a new action, and pairs it a lot more closely with the line of dialogue. Clarifying who's talking is probably just as simple as adding "from her husband" somewhere.

I think what you have now for the last sentence is fine if you're okay with omniscient and wanted to communicate distraction instead of intent. But yeah, I got the impression she was just too preoccupied to hear him, so if you did want it to be intentional, switching up the wording would make that clearer.

The snow crunches under your feet as you race through the Alpine. Today was finally December 1st! Oh how you've longed for this day! For yours was not the soul of gentle snowfall, but rather the tempest of a might avalanche. You've never been known to be cool, and oh how you've waited day after day after day, waiting for the 1st. And finally, it was here at last.

As if in response to your mood, Father Frost seemed to have laid out his best as you walked into the clearing where your mailbox was situated. Wreaths and Wreaths of pine lay about you, almost delicately placed by someone who knew of your love and wanted to make this beautiful moment all the more spectacular. The holly berries glistened, and you couldn't wait to feel the sweet, tarty juice running down your throat as you bite into the delicious berry. You've never tried one before, but who knows how sweet it might be after you read the letter from your love

After all, your beloved, Sir Jack's words, can be nothing but sweet. What a man. A gallant soldier in the army, who, unlike the rest was steadfast and true. You open the letter and bite into the hollyberry. Almost as if the 2 were connected, the sharp disgustingly saccharinely sweet taste of poison reaches your tastebuds, leaving you dead within the minute, was akin to the lance that pierced your heart, as Sir Jack, once thought by you to be most steadfast of men, sunk his treacherous fangs right when you least expected. As you fall to the ground, you read over Sir Jack's cloying fake apology as he announces that he's leaving you for another woman, and oh, he's so terribly sorry for any inconvenience that your short but unfortunate tryst might have incurred on you.
*********************************************************************************

My specific goal was setting up situational irony with berries that seem sweet at first glance but are actually poisonous, much like holly berries are poisonous in real life. I wanted to set up a thematic parallel between the beauty of the berries that looked delicious, and the beauty of love, and then in one stroke, reveal the more sinister nature of them both. I still wanted them to be sweet, but not good sweet, more like cloying or syrupy. Not genuine. Did you think I achieved that or not? let me know if what I was trying to do worked.

Some of the phrasing might be a little overblown, and that in combination with a berry instantly and dramatically killing you (which it would not do in real life), and the protagonist being so focused on reading the letter that they're still doing it even while on the way to the ground being instantly and dramatically killed this way, makes this read to me a little more on the comedic side. Which actually works well, but probably isn't what you intended.

Aw damn. Yeah hollyberries are poisonous in real life, but they induce vomiting and diarrhea. I was trying to go for dramatic and sad, but hey, I'll take comedy as long as the story is good. Thank you for your feedback Mizal, as always it's really good!

Thanks for the excerpt! On the whole, I think this passage's biggest challenge is the ease of reading. Currently it's a little difficult for the reader to figure out how to space out the sentence in their head. The standard advice for this is that when you write a piece, read it out loud to yourself afterwards. Anywhere you stumble over phrasing, your reader is also going to stumble. I think much of this is due to the dramatic nature of the phrasing--you'll find you actually can get far more drama out of short, clear sentences with simple metaphors.

The snow crunches under your feet as you race through the Alpine (I think this should be plural?). Today was is finally December 1st! Oh how you've longed for this day! For yours was is not the soul of gentle snowfall, but rather the tempest of a might avalanche. You've never been known to be cool, and oh how you've waited day after day after day, waiting for the 1st. And finally, it wa's here at last.

^^You start this in present tense, but slip into past tense a few times.

The first sentence sets the scene well. The second one is fine, and effectively shows the narrator's excitement. I actually think you can end the paragraph right here. The rest of it doesn't give any new information; we already know the narrator is excited.

Digging deeper, the second half of the paragraph is pretty confusing. What does it mean to have a soul of snowfall vs an avalanche, and how is this relevant to the narrator's excitement? "You've never been known to be cool" the word "cool" here is ambiguous enough that I'm not sure what you mean--maybe calm? The structure is also fairly wordy. Either way it doesn't have anything to do with the second half of the sentence, which is kind of jarring.

As if in response to your mood, Father Frost seemed to have laid out his best as you walked into the clearing where your mailbox wais situated. You walk into the clearing with your mailbox. As if in response to your mood, Father Frost has laid out his best--Wreaths and Wreaths of pine lay adorn the trees about you, almost delicately placed by someone who knew of your love and wanted to make this beautiful moment all the more spectacular delicately placed, as if by a lover. The holly berries glistened, and you couldna't wait to feel their sweet, tarty juice running down your throat as you bite into the delicious berry. You've never tried one before, but who knows how sweet it might be after you read the letter from your love.

^^More tense problems; I'm switching everything to present tense.

The first sentence ends with a detail that isn't relevant to the next sentence, I switched up the order to make the flow more natural. I also removed a number of unnecessarily wordy phrases: "seemed to have", "where your mailbox was situated", "as you walked".

Second, figurative language. What you're doing here isn't bad, but it's a bit confusing--I actually wasn't sure if Father Frost was supposed to be a real character at first, and assumed the use of the word "wreath" was literal. If this is indeed a purely natural sight, you may want to clarify that; I added the line about adorning the trees for that purpose.

"Who knows how sweet it might be after you read the letter from you love." <= I take this to mean the narrator has received a letter from someone saying the holly berries taste sweet? If so, this is a confusing way of phrasing it. Something like "You've never had one before, but you're eager to try their sweetness after hearing your love speak of them." is much clearer.

After all, your beloved, the gallant soldier Sir Jack's words, can be is nothing but sweet. What a man. A gallant soldier in the army, who, unlike the rest, wais steadfast and true.

^^Good transition into backstory; you're taking a detail from the surroundings (holly berries) and using that to tell relevant history. I cut a few things out of the start of the paragraph to condense space. The implication that other soldiers are untrustworthy I cut out, since it wasn't directly relevant. This is a bit short for a paragraph, so I suggest you tack this last sentence on to the end of the last one.

(Suggesting you start a new paragraph here) You open the letter and bite into the holly berry. Almost as if the 2 were connected, tThe sharp disgustingly saccharinely sweet taste of poison reaches your tastebuds, leaving you dead within the minute, was akin to the lance that pierced your heart, as Sir Jack, once thought by you to be most steadfast of men, sunk his treacherous fangs into your heart right when you least expected. As you fall to the ground, you read over Sir Jack's cloying fake apology as he announces that he's leaving you for another woman, and oh, he's so terribly sorry for any inconvenience that your short but unfortunate tryst might have incurred on you.

^^Nitpick, but I don't think holly berries are big enough to bite.

That second sentence is 54 words long. That's, like, seven sentences. Readers do not like parsing through these, and dramatic moments usually do better with short, sharp, quick sentences. I got rid of a lot of clauses that seemed unnecessary, but it's up to you to decide what's most important.

I do agree that the apology needs an adjective in front of it, but maybe something else? I don't know if either cloying or fake is the vibe you want.

The metaphor & story idea is sound, but extremely difficult to pull off in 200 words. On the plus side, it was clear from the passage that you were aiming for this connection. It's tricky to say whether the scene you constructed did or didn't achieve that goal, as there are so many sentence-level things you'll want to address first. I think you'll have some difficulty pulling this off, as it's hard for me to overlook the coincidence of the narrator eating the berries and reading the letter at the same time. There are many ways to fix this, but few you can do in 200 words. (For instance, if you were expanding this into a short story, having Jack be present in person and encouraging the narrator to eat the berries so he can run off with his new girl could work.) TL;DR: It's a sound concept, but I don't think the passage is long enough or the wording was clear enough to handle it.

Wow, I'm really pleased you wrote so much, thanks! You're right 200 words is hard to fit all that, it can be done, but not by me. I know that, I'm not on that level yet, and right now it comes across as awkward and clunky. You're right, just like Mizal pointed out, it's kind of weird how the narrator ate the berries and read the letter. I was trying to set it up thematically that both tracks run in parallel, but it doesn't really make sense especially since she should have died in the minute.

I'll work on those finicky tenses. When I write, I tend to transcribe everything as it happens in my head and I really need to think about it a bit more. Thanks, Gryphon.

The hollyberries are not big enough to bite, that was just for dramatic effect.

I'll read the story out to myself and see how it sounds. Thanks!

"Alpine" is an adjective.  I assume you mean "the Alps."

yeah you're right, thanks

I like a lot of these edits, and I appreciate the time you spent on this, thanks!

I haven't written in a while, so I may be a little rusty... and slow. Very slow.

---

Length: 216 words
Time: ~20 minutes(!)

You couldn't help but peek over the top of your canvas to check on Marco. As if sensing your gaze, he looks up and gives you a lopsided smile before scooting his easel to completely obscure your vision.

"I couldn't see it anyway," you mutter, sitting back in your seat.

He makes no response, but you know that he's enjoying the mystique he's putting up for his artwork. You shake your head and return to your little sunset over the hill, brushing on the last few rays of light as your impatient subject threatens to duck under the horizon.

Moments later, you hear him stand, satisfied.

"What did you paint?" he asks.

"I'm more interested in what you had made," you reply, ignoring his question.

He smirks, and brings his canvas over to you. It takes you a few moments to see it - a blurry, impressionistic city scene slathered on the canvas with wavering streaks of paint. As you focus, the shapes become clearer: skyscrapers, cars, people, and the streaks of neon light reflected on the rain-wetted asphalt.

"Kolkata," he adds. "I grew up there."

"And you?" he asks, peering towards your canvas. Slightly embarrassed, you stand to block it with a nervous chuckle.

"Why don't you tell me more about Kolkata?" you hear yourself asking....

---

Trying some more dialogue related stuff. Dunno, didn't see where this story really was going, but it's just a short snippet anyways.

I have a totally irrational but correct hatred of "help but."  I always think that instead of "I could not help but peek," it's better to say "I could help peeking."

Here's my style comment.  This passage has a weird blend of cutesy and profound, and I don't think that's what you're going for.  You are talking about the sun and art and have phrases like "rain-wetted asphalt" (I think rain-wet or maybe rain-slick would be better, btw) and the "last few rays of light."  But at the same time you have "peek" and "scoot" and "putting up" mystique (which is a funny-slangy way to say it).  Just pointing this out.  Not saying it's a bad thing.  Not sure if it's intended.

Thank you, Gower. The style thing was definitely not intentional, though I vaguely noticed it towards the end.

>Dunno, didn't see where this story really was going

gay high school romance?

Just my specialty.

You might have an untapped talent there, this was a more convincing "the cute boy I have a crush on" interaction than I've seen in most intentional romances posted on the site!

50k featured gay romance story incoming.

This is pretty good! Most of my commentary here is a matter of personal taste. These are the changes I would make if this was my excerpt, but it's perfectly fair for you to decide you like it better the way you had it originally. I like the pace of this excerpt. You're giving the right amount of attention to detail without slowing down the story.

You might benefit from choosing stronger words. The ones you have are functional, but you can get more specific to the tone and personality you're trying to create. I've held back on my suggestions here since choosing that tone will be up to you. I'm not suggesting you include a bunch of fancy words for no reason; just slightly more specific ones. Especially verbs.

Additionally, you sometimes distance the reader from the narrator through phrases like "you hear" and "you know". (There was some discussion about this on Petros's excerpt. It decreases reader immersion.)

One thing I want to praise is how you set the scene through action. We learn everything we need to know about the layout of the room from the narrator's actions in the first paragraph without slowing down the story at all. Good stuff.

You couldn't can't help but peek over the top of your canvas to check on Marco. As if sensing your gaze, he looks up and gives you a lopsided smile before scooting his easel to completely obscure your vision.

^^Looks fine. You could cut some words/clauses (like "as if sensing your gaze") to save space or change the tone if necessary, but that will depend on your other goals.

"I couldn't see it anyway," you mutter, sitting back in your seat.

He makes no response, but you know that he's. He's probably enjoying the mystique he's putting up for his artwork. You shake your head and return to focus on your little sunset over the hill, brushing on the last few rays of light as your impatient subject threatens to duck under the horizon.

^^In line with some of the commentary on Petros's excerpt, you can remove "you know" to immerse the reader more in the narrator's perspective. I'm not sure I like how "putting up for his artwork" sounds, but I can't easily think of a better way of phrasing it.

I switched up a couple aspects of phrasing & word choice, but these were all nitpicks. I like the description of the sun at the end of the paragraph.

Moments later, you hear him he stands, satisfied.

^^Same thing with removing "you hear" to reduce distance & increase immersion.

"What did you paint?" he asks.

"I'm more interested in what you had made," you reply, ignoring his question.

^^We already know this.

He smirks, and brings his canvas over to you shows you his canvas. It takes you a few moments to see recognize(?) it - a blurry, impressionistic city scene slathered on the canvas with wavering streaks of paint. As you focus, the shapes become clearer: skyscrapers, cars, people, and the streaks of neon light reflected on the rain-wetted asphalt.

^^I think this new wording in the first sentence is more direct. Using "see" is a bit odd as you can see the canvas immediately; it's interpreting it that takes a minute. I also think you can get more descriptive than "wavering". I like the last sentence.

"Kolkata," he adds explains. "I grew up there."

^^Word choice nitpick; optional.

"And you?" he asks,  He peerings towards your canvas. Slightly embarrassed, you stand to block it with a nervous chuckle.

^^"Slightly embarassed" "you stand to block it" "with a nervous chuckle" <= these three clauses all communicate the same information, so you can just pick one. "Slightly embarassed" is the weakest, since it's so direct. I think "you stand to block it" is the strongest (good communication of emotion through action), so let's carry it to the narrator's next line:

You shift position, blocking his view. "Why don't you tell me more about Kolkata?" you hear yourself asking....

^^I'm tentatively leaving this alone, because the distance from "you hear" seems intentional. It would be hard to say if it works or not without seeing the next line. I generally recommend against ending paragraphs with ellipses.

Thank you for the feedback, Gryphon. Those are good edits, and being a bit too general has always been an issue with my writing, and I think those changes do help with the clarity and strength of words used. I agree that I tend to distance the reader and the narrator, and aside from the last 'hear' which was intentional, the others can definitely be revised.

I ended with ellipses because I was running a little over word count and I had no idea where the story would go from there (other than the gay highschool romance). It's a valid point, though.

You couldn't help but peek over the top of your canvas to check on Marco. As if sensing your gaze, He looks up and gives you a lopsided smile before scooting his easel to completely obscure your vision. "I couldn't see it anyway," you mutter, sitting back in your seat. Although he makes no response, but you knowcan tell that he's enjoying the mystique he's putting up for his artwork. You shake your head and return to your little sunset over the hill, brushing on the last few rays of light as your impatient subject threatens to duck under the horizon(beautiful, love this imagery). Moments later, you hear him stand, satisfied. "What did you paint?" he asks. "I'm more interested in what you had made," you reply, sidesteppingignoring his question. He smirks and brings his canvas over to you. It takes you a few moments to see it - a blurry, impressionistic city scene slathered on the canvas with wavering vague streaks of paint everywhere. As you focus, the shapes gradually become clearer: skyscrapers, cars, people, and the streaks of neon light reflected on the slickrain-wetted asphalt ,glistening with raindrops. (Nice job on this sentence, seriously, well done. I love the image of the painting, the only thing I changed was I just wanted to think of a different way of saying "rain-wetted". That sentence was good) "Kolkata," he adds. "I grew up there." "And you?" he asks, peering towards your canvas. Slightly embarrassed, youstand to block it with a nervous chuckle. "Why don't you tell me more about Kolkata?" you hear yourself asking. Ending is well done. I'm invested. Could you continue this? Now I feel like my perspective has shifted from making critiques to wanting to know what happens next

Okay, so! I wrote a short 200-word limit piece. The prompt (as is probably evident) is a woman experiencing grief over her failing marriage. My goal with it (with the short as fuck word limit) is just to write something that conveys her grief and desire to escape her neglectful husband. Its a bit more reductionist than I'd hoped, but alas, word limits! I got 199 words in, one word off the limit, phew. 

I lock the bathroom door. My hands trembling as I grip the sink. His venomous insults still echo in the silence of my mind. I look at my reflection in the mirror, eyes red and puffy. "Look at the state of me," I whisper to myself.

"Why does it always end with us having rows and arguments, why does it always come to this? It feels like I'm not even with the same man I married anymore. He's lazy, he doesn't do his own washing or laundry anymore. He's not the same man I fell in love with six years ago. Did he lie to me, trick me?"

"Can he not tell how much he hurts me, can he not tell how much he's pushing me away? Maybe he does and just doesn't care anymore."

"All he does is work, come home and play video games till he sleeps, I'm sick of it! Nothing I say works..."

"Can I really stay with him? In this cycle of feeling neglected, unloved, begging and fighting for scraps of his attention?"

"What will my life look like without him, we've been together for so long now, can I go on without him?"

Try a cumulative:

I lock the bathroom door, hands trembling as I grip the sink.

I'd rather see this paragraph visually than as self-talk.  I wish she could look at him sleeping sprawled out on the worn recliner, look at the controller in his hand.  His unshavenness.  The way he reeks of Funyuns® .  The cold bed.  The stains on his shirt.  The old photograph of the two of them together, in happier days.  I feel like that would have more power and be less formulaic--right now, you have little formulaic bits like "not the same man I fell in love with" that feel too cliche to have the impact you want.

 

 

funyuns lol. Thank you for the advice! I was definitely considering going for a more physical description or more sensory details but clearly im not very concise because i couldn't fit it into 200 words, i guess it just shows i have a lot to get better with. Hmm, i might do a rewrite tomorrow with your suggestion in mind and see what y'all think. 

Thanks for posting! Overall your sentence structure is pretty good; the reading flows easily and feels natural.

Stepping back, I chiefly agree with everything Gower says: this concept would be stronger if it's shown through visual details instead of just words. Internal reflection is okay, but it's best when paired with external prompting. This excerpt as it is has the difficult task delivering an emotional climax for something we haven't seen any buildup for, and is held back by the awkwardness of the speaker talking to herself in the mirror.

This makes it difficult to do a sentence edit for this passage, since you'll probably get more milage out of re-writing it entirely. But I'll give feedback on the wording too. Most of what I have to say is just eliminating unnecessary words. Your sentence structure was generally pretty good.

I lock the bathroom door, . My hands trembling as I grip the sink. His venomous insults still echo in the silence of my mind. I look at my reflection in the mirror, eyes red and puffy. "Look at the state of me," I whisper to myself.

^^Nitpicks, mostly.

"Why does it always end with us having rows and arguments, why does it always come to this? It feels like I'm not even with the same man I married anymore. He's lazy, he doesn't do his own washing or laundry anymore. He's not the same man I fell in love with six years ago. Did he lie to me, trick me?"

"Can he not't he tell how much he hurts me, can he not tell h? How much he's pushing me away? Maybe he does and just doesn't care anymore."

"All he does is work, come home, and play video games till he sleeps,. I'm sick of it! Nothing I say works..."

"Can I really stay with him? I'm trapped in this cycle of feeling neglected, unloved, and begging and fighting for scraps of his attention?. Can I really stay with him?"

^^Changed the order to move more impactful lines later.

"What will my life look like without him, w? We've been together for so long now,... can I go on without him?"

Huh, thank you so much. Really shows how more descriptiveness isn't always better!

I came across a reference to it a long time ago and I always liked the concept: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exercises_in_Style

The author wrote the same mundane story of observing strangers on a train 99 separate times, it really does prove the variety possible with just mixing up the way you write your sentences, be it structure or tone.

Maybe it'd be a good exercise later if the thread continues with this much interest to have everyone write a couple hundred words about a pronpt from Gryphon, just to see the different approaches.

Oh that's a really cool idea. That would be a fun exercise. It would have to be a really clear prompt. Then you could also have people re-writing their own & each other's excerpts in a different style to try it on.

Excerpt from a future storygame:

You wake to the sound of raucous sound and shouting from the floor below. Moonlight seeps through the slits in the windows, faintly illuminating the room. No one else is here; all the others must be downstairs arguing about who knows what.

You're inclined to investigate. The makeshift straw bedding wasn't comfortable anyway.

Creeping across the floorboards to reach the stairs, you're close enough to hear clearly.

"You can't be serious!" Sir Poton. "Go north?"

"The English believe they've had their fill." It's a gruff, thick voice. It must be that Étienne person. "They'll be bound for Calais."

"You want this group, with an old man and two children, to chase them down?" Even after all you've seen, you've never heard the knight sound so vexed. You round the corner, keen on not being noticed. The room is lit by two candles, one on top of a table between the two soldiers, and the other carried by young Gilles and flanked by Blaise in the corner.

"If they get there," Étienne says, "they win."

"They already won," Poton points out. "Decisely."

"Only if he lives," the other man rumbles ominously.

"I don't enjoy admitting defeat just as much as you do, but we have to prioritize their lives now!" The knight waves to the others in the room. "And him!" He points upwards, still thinking you're asleep.

This excerpt has some pretty solid imagery, and I imagine, with context, some of the vagueness would be cleared up. Anyway, with that said, here are the flaws I noticed.

"Sound of a raucous sound" is pretty repetitive and feels unnatural. Perhaps consider simply "the sound of raucous shouting." The sentence may flow better that way.

Using simply "Sir Potom."as a dialogue tag is odd and draws attention to itself. There's nothing wrong with a more traditional tag, and it may serve you well in this particular instance.

If I were you, I would also separate paragraphs after "you've never heard the knight sound so vexed" because the focus shifts characters from the knight to the protagonist.

"Decisely" I assume is meant to be either decidedly or decisively. I can't really see another word here.

"I don't enjoy admitting defeat just as much as you do" should likely be "I don't enjoy admitting defeat any more than you." The "do" is unnecessary.

The ending with the "And him!" Is confusing because I'm not exactly sure what is to be conveyed. I can't tell if I am supposed to connect that to "only if he lives" or "we have to prioritize their lives."

That's all from me folks.

I'm slapping my head for not catching that spelling mistake, and that repetitive first line.

Also, thank you for the feedback :)

This is pretty good! Your phrasing is generally clear and understandable. The dialogue sounds natural, and is clearly personalized to the identity of the speaker. There were a couple of SPAG errors. Overall, I'd suggest looking for opportunities the narrator's personality when writing from their perspective.

You're rudely awoken by wake to the sound of raucous sound and shouting from the floor below. Moonlight seeps through the slits in the windows, faintly illuminating the room. No one else is here;--all the others must be downstairs arguing about who knows what.

^^The narrator has just been rudely woken--you can get more milage out of that. I made a suggestion of how they might interpret it, but you know their personality better and can swap in a more appropriate response.

Agreed with Petros on the first sentence. I think "the sound of" is also unnecessary.

Your use of "Who knows what" is a good example of showing the narrator's personality.

You're inclined to investigate. The makeshift straw bedding wasn't comfortable anyway.

^^The phrasing is fine, but I think you can do better than "inclined to investigate" and a clinical remark on the bedding for narrator personality. (Unless this is a very reserved & even-keeled person.)

For example: A grumpy, exhausted person might roll out of bed with a groan. Someone who likes drama might spring up eagerly, straining to hear the voices below. A peacemaker might hurridly dress themselves and stumble downstairs, hoping they're not too late.

(That said; I do like the remark on the bedding setting the scene, and it's a good starting spot for a character moment. What sort of bed is this narrator used to? How do they feel about this poor one?)

Creeping across the floorboards to reach the stairs, you're finally get close enough to hear clearly.

^^Your original wording was slightly ungrammatical.

"You can't be serious!" splutters Sir Poton. "Go north?"

^^Added a dialogue tag. Your choices of tone. If you were trying to indicate that the narrator is noticing who it is that's speaking, you can clarify that with something like "you recognize Sir Poton's voice."

"The English believe they've had their fill." It's a gruff, thick voice. It must be that Étienne person. "They'll be bound for Calais."

^^I like the dialogue tag here; you do a good job showing the narrator's thoughts in an immersive way.

"You want this group, --with an old man and two children, --to chase them down?" Even after all you've seen, yYou've never heard the knight sound so vexed.

^^Agreed with Petros, new paragraph here. I think the dashes will better show that that comment is parenthetical.

You round the corner, keen on not to being noticed. The room below is lit by two candles, one on top of a table between the two soldiers, and the other carried by young Gilles. and flanked by Blaise in the corner.

^^"Flanked by Blaise" is a little unclear, and it's somewhat awkward to shift focus from the candles mid-sentence.

"If they get there, they win." Étienne says, "they win.".

^^Nitpick, but I think this order is better. You add space by splitting up the sentence with a dialogue tag, and I think this one works best as a unit.

"They already won," Poton points out. "Decisively."

"Only if he lives," the other man rumbles ominously.

^^"He" is a little vague since Poton was refering to "they". A name would be better. If you're trying to keep someone's identity secret, a vague title like "the captain" would work instead.

"I don't enjoy admitting defeat just as much as any more than you do, but we have to prioritize their lives now!" The knight waves to the others in the room Gilles and Blaise. "And hims!" He points upwards, still thinking you're asleep towards the bedroom.

^^I suggest emphasizing "their". Naming the people under discussion is more clear. I think the reader can tell who Poton is referring to, so this lets you show that without the narrator guessing at this thoughts. If you did want to clarify it, framing it as a guess might be better.

I really appreciate this detailed response. Admittedly, I was a bit hesitant to put this one out because it's very much in medias res, but it's what I could think of in the moment to share.

Great, constructive feedback! I need to give some of my own to the others when I get the chance.

This is a great topic. Not often do you have a chance to gain in-depth feedback over sentence structure, which makes or breaks a writing style. Here's a 240 words piece I wrote based on a cool world-building idea I had last night. Mostly interested on how well these slow and ponderous sentences are able to keep interest while effectively lore-dumping.

--------

“It’s here! It has arrived!”

Dropping the hammer in your hands, you speed out of the smithy immediately. There’s a huge cloud of dust to the south. Tip-toeing to reach over the village palisades, you notice the grand spires of the Merikon standing proud over the mountaintop. They’re huge cathedrals, living relics, acting as cities in themselves, being an ode to a forgotten god. As their wheels slowly grind across the world, they trek from town to town, taking in the sick, daring or desperate in their unfathomable catacombs. It’s a one-way voyage. Nobody had yet come out of a Merikon. But that does not stop the dozen of lepers shuffling towards it with bliss upon their faces.

The Merikon have been around for eons, and yet they’re clouded in mystery. Only recounts of rumors exist from the adventuring few who dared to climb its steps to take a peek inside. They saw only a single being within its ornate but empty halls, a priest who stood at the altar as if a captain at the helm, unmoving, robe stained red of blood that flowed incessantly from his gouged-out eyes as it steered the Merikon across the land. In a moment, as if it had sensed them, the priest slowly turned to face them, and a shriek slammed the grand doors shut with the power of a storm.

It was the first time the Merikon arrived at your village in centuries. You had to get in.

“It’s here! It has arrived!”

Dropping the hammer in your hands, you speed race out of the smithy immediately. There’s To the south, you spot a huge cloud of dust to the south. Tip-toeing to reach over the village palisades, you notice the grand spires of the Merikon standing proud over the mountaintop. The grand spires of the Merikon are y’re huge cathedrals, living relics, acting as cities in themselves, that are the last odes being an ode to a forgotten god,lost to the ravages of time. As their wheels slowly grind across the world, they trek from town to town, taking in the sick, daring or desperate in their unfathomable catacombs. It’s a one-way voyage. As of yet, nobody has yet come out of a Merikon, alive and unscathed. But that does not stop the dozen of lepers shuffling towards it with bliss upon their faces. (I really like this sentence)

The Merikon have been around for eons, and yet they’re clouded in mystery. Only recounts of rumors exist from the adventuring few who dared to climb its steps to take a peek inside. They saw only a single being within its ornate but empty halls., A priest who stood at the altar as if a captain at the helm, unmoving, robe stained red of blood that flowed incessantly from his gouged-out eyes as heit steered the Merikon across the land. In a moment, as if it he had sensed them, the priest slowly turned to face them, and a shriek slammed the grand doors shut with the power of a storm. That was the last that anyone's heard of the adventurers in a while.

Now, itIt was the first time the Merikon arrived at your village in centuries. You had to get in.

Overall I really like this. A lot of my corrections are nitpicks and changes that appeal to me, so if something doesn't seem right to you, then don't worry about it. I still have a lot to learn, and I just made changes that I thought would improve flow a bit. I am confused about the pronouns for the priest, do you mean that the priest is a "he" or an "it"? You use both.

I like these edits. (Or well, most of them as a proper writer must keep at least some of his pride!) Especially using more 'active' verbs like race to vitalize a sentence is something I could improve a lot in. Thanks!

As for the priest, I pictured the fella much more as a monster than a man, kind of like the mouth of Sauron or a lich, where it is much more an it than a he. Guess I must have been somewhat confused myself while writing

I like the idea of the priest being a faceless monster. That's awesome

This is good! You effectively set an ominous atmosphere in the first paragraph, and do a good job connecting your worldbuilding to the action. You've grabbed my attention, and I'm interested to learn what happens next.

A couple suggestions: 1) There are a number of places where the sentence flow is slightly awkward, but it's tricky for me to tell why. Reading your passages out loud to yourself might help with identifying spots like this. (This is me admitting I can't think of any more specific advice to give you.) 2) Your description is nice--but I think you can get in more character development too. This reads as pure backstory. If you bear in mind the narrator's thoughts on all this, you can use it to flavor the narration & their actions. 3) On a similar note as point 2; word choice could be a little more narrowly focused on the tone/mood/character attitude you're trying to set.

(EDIT: Ah, I missed the part where you said this was based on a worldbuilding idea--that explains the subdued characterization. Fair enough.)

I also added commas in a few places, they might be hard to see.

“It’s here! It has arrived!”

^^I'd suggest adding a dialogue tag. Something as simple as "the man screamed" would be fine.

Dropping theyour hammer in your hands, you speedrace out of the smithy immediately. aA huge cloud of dust looms from to the south. Tip-toeing to reachpeer over the village palisades, you noticespot the grand spires of the Merikon standing proud over the mountaintop. An ode to a forgotten god, the spires are They’re huge cathedrals, living relics, acting as cities in themselves., being an ode to a forgotten god. As tTheir wheels slowly grind slowly as they travel across the world, they trek from town to town, taking in the sick, daring, or desperate, into their unfathomableimpenetrable catacombs. It’s a one-way voyage. Nobody had yet has ever come out of a Merikon alive. But that does not stop the dozens of lepers shuffling towards it with blissful expressions upon their faces.

^^I agree with a number of RK's edits. 'Notice' seemed a bit causal for this big a deal. I also think there should be more emotional reaction from the narrator here; which you can get in through physical actions. Do they tightly grip the palisades (in fear)? Scowl and squit at the spires (in anger)?

I don't understand what "an ode to a forgotten god" means. If that's literal and will be explained later, that's fine. If it's figurative language, you may want to pick something clearer. The same goes for the other descriptors you use here (living relics, cities, cathedrals, etc.).

I'm more interested in what they look like. All we know right now is they're spires--that could mean anything. You can use visual description to set the right mood; visually comparing them to the spires you might see in a cathedral is one way you might do this.

Nitpick; "trek" literally means "walk", so a wheel can't trek.

Nitpick; I don't like "unfathomable" as a description here. It's useful when a character isn't able to process something they're looking at; ie unfathomable depths. It's less useful when you're just describing a concept since nothing about the idea of a catacomb seems unfathomable. I think impenetrable is a little better; it suggests that the catacombs are difficult to enter and has a similar mood.

I like the pacing of "It's a one way voyage." This short punchy sentence coming after your earlier figurative language has a good impact.

The Merikon have been around for eons, and yet they’re clouded in mystery. The oOnly recounts of rumors exist come from the adventuring few adventurers who dared to climb its steps to take a peeklook inside. They saw only a single being within its ornate but empty halls,: a priest, who stoodstanding unmoving at the altar as if a captain at the helm, unmoving, robe stained red offrom the blood that flowed incessantly from hisits gouged-out eyes as it steered the Merikon across the land. In a moment, as if it had sensed them, tA moment later, the priest slowly turned to face them, and aits shriek slammed the grand doors shut with the power of a storm.

^^Not sure I like "clouded". Shrouded? "Take a peek" is kind of casual and contradicts your ominous tone. No need to include "but empty", we already know there's only one person. Changed the comma to a colon for a dramatic pause.

I like likening the priest to a captain, but I think directly stating it makes it less impactful. You're already getting captain imagery through the word "steering", and can probably fit in more if you try. I cut some stuff out, but I think the sentence is still too long--can you split it up?

Not sure how I feel about the shriek being what slammed the door shut. I like the imagery. Others might find it confusing. Your call.

It wasThis is the first time the Merikon has arrived at your village in centuries. You hadve to get in.

^^You switched to past tense here. This may be outside the scope of this excerpt, but we don't know why the narrator wants to get in yet, and have no reason to care about whether or not they succeed.

Excerpt from a story game in process:

Welcome, students to Fundamentals of Magic, one of the required courses for Novices or Neonates, whatever they are calling you this year. Hopefully you have all gotten settled since your arrival. I am Professor Harlow. Today's lesson will be fairly short since it's our first class, and I'm sure having a little more time before your next class will be helpful.

Now, how much history do you littles know? Five Hundred and Twenty-Five years ago, the Magemoon began to orbit the planet. While it was not known at the time, the Magemoon emits a radiation known by many colloquial names, but formally as Dynami tis Silanis, or Lunar Power. This invisible and nearly-inescapable radiation has and continues to build up in the atmosphere, soil, water and people on the planet. When the Magemoon first appeared, arcane workings could only be done with great effort, time, and usually only in direct view of the Magemoon. Nowadays, as I'm sure you are familiar, many common arcane feats are now able to be performed by particularly gifted children at almost any time. I would not be surprised at all to hear that each of you have been able to consciously manifest effects prior to your invitation here to Gwimmermort. This variability in effectiveness of arcane workings, also known as Urges, from the Greek suffix -urgy, which means 'to work', lead to the ongoing development of technology and scientific principles. For some, this has led to the outlook of magic as merely another branch of science. I do not agree with this view, as science is built upon reliable and repeatable principles, while magic or working, again due to the variability of Dynami tis Silanis concentration, relies much more on intuition and the ability to sense what one might be able to do with the local variable resources.

---

Looking for input on characterization and quality of summary in worldbuilding.  This scene takes place fairly early on in the magical school story.  The protagonist, along witth the rest of the class are all 12-13 year olds.

Thank you for the review.  I get what you are saying about the lack of an opportunity for characterization.  Your points on adding some bits of physicality to break up the info dump is also a great thought.  I can even have Harlowe do some stuff for each one as the other three quarters of this page is the break down of the types.

I also need to give more thought on how to explain how the Lunar Power is expended through use or encapsulation.  I was intending to just drop it as a hint of a much bigger issue that more advanced wizards are working on, although for high mental characters this should be better clarified even at this early stage.  The daydreaming thing definitely needs to be something i handle for lower mental characters.  The reason why the local resources reference at the very end is important is because in areas with several mages doing big things the amount of free lunar power gets expended quickly, thus limiting what spontaneous magical effects can be created.  There are also areas that aggregate or dissipate dynami naturally that have to be taken into account.

Regardless,  thank you for the rework.  I will be incorporating many of your suggestions in my final copy.

Not at all.  I appreciate the constructive criticism.

Haven't been following this thread as closely as I'd meant to, but this is a very good reworking.

Mainly I think Anthraxus was just trying to cram too much background in that infodump when there was really no need to explain it all to us in an excerpt that size to begin with. In a full sized story scene there'd be some room to breathe and introduce setting info more naturally mixed in with actions and other details.

Thanks for the submission! You've got some intriguing worldbuilding here. I always like the idea of magic moons, and the idea of different concentrations of lunar radiation is a useful concept narratively; since it allows you to justify more or less powerful magic effects depending on casting location. (Also has some interesting political implications on where the most valuable land is.)

I agree with Iris--if this is dialogue; you'll want to use quotes and periodically break this up with dialogue tags and actions. Generally speaking the suggestions Iris made work well with the structure of the passage. Also agreed on breaking up that second paragraph.

Beyond just changing the formatting, 200 words is probably too long for a single character to be talking about worldbuilding if there isn't an immediately relevant reason it's important. Can you break this up with character interactions & dialogue? Or can you motivate the protagonist so that acquiring this information is relevant to their goals? Then the information can be delivered more immersively, and will matter more to the reader.

I agree with pretty much everything Iris said about characterization, and won't bother to repeat it. It's tough to get a sense of the professor's personality through just this. More importantly (unless the professor is the narrator!), we have no sense at all of the protagonist's personality.

Language wise; I'd advise you to keep an eye out for word bloat. You add a lot of needless clauses like "seems to", "usually", "particularly", "able to", and repeated information to your writing. I have this problem too. 90% of the time you can just cut them out, and the passage will be stronger.

Welcome, Novices--or Neophytes, whatever they are calling you this year--to Fundamentals of Magic, one of theyour required courses for Novices or Neonates (neophyte I think), whatever they are calling you this year. Hopefully you have all gotten settled in since your arrival. I am Professor Harlow. Today's lesson will be fairly short since it's our first class, and I'm sure havingyou'll appreciate a little more time before your next class will be helpful.

^^This is a bit "as you know"; surely everyone listening to this speech knows what class they're in. That said, professors do sometimes go on like this--it can work if it's a consistent character trait.

Changed neonate to neophyte; neonate means infant. Added the dashes to space out the parenthetical more. I'd only leave that in if it's important to characterization; it's not important.

It's clear from context that the reason the class will be short is it's first.

I'm going to break this paragraph up a bit to make this more readable:

Now, how much history do you littles know? Five Hhundred and Ttwenty-Ffive years ago, the Magemoon began to orbit the planet. While it was not known at the time, the Magemoon emits a radiation known by many colloquial names, but formally as Dynami tis Silanis, or Lunar Power. This invisible and nearly-inescapable radiation has and continues to buildt up in the atmosphere, soil, water, and people on the planet.

^^"Littles" seems a little weird, but that might just be me. I don't think the rhetorical question helps as part of the text wall; but if you keep it in it might be a characterization opporunity--eg, Harlow could scan the audience and sigh in disappointment when no one raises a hand.

Nitpick, but it's a little weird that we're going straight into this on the first part of the first class. What about the syllabus?

I know this isn't about your wording, but if you're going to mix in scientific stuff like orbits and radiation, make sure you've done enough research to use the terms correctly.

I recommend limiting proper nouns as much as possible; readers will only tolerate so many, and prefer they be intuitively understood. Magemoon is fine. Dynami tis Silanis is a mouthful. Let's just call it lunar radiation.

When the Magemoon first appeared, arcane workingsmagic could only be done with great effort, time, effort, and usually only in direct view of the Magemoon. Nowadays, as I'm sure you are familiar, gifted children can perform arcane feats at any timemany common arcane feats are now able to be performed by particularly gifted children at almost any time. I would not be surprised at all to hear that each of you have been able to consciously manifested effects prior to your invitation here to Gwimmermort.

^^Again; it's clumsy to have the professor to tell the kids things they already should know. A brief recap like this is probably okay; but don't call attention to it.

Only gifted children can preform magic? Not adults? This is unclear.

The use of Gwimmermort is clear and tells the reader exactly what it is without a lengthy explanation. This is a good way to introduce proper nouns.

This variability in effectiveness of arcane workings, also known as Urges, from the Greek suffix -urgy, which means 'to work', lead to the ongoing development of technology and scientific principles. For some, this has led to the outlook of magic asAs a result, some believe magic is merely another branch of science. I do not agree with this viewdisagree, as science is built upon reliable and repeatable principles, while magic or working, again due to the variability of Dynami tis Silanis concentration, relies much more on intuition and the ability to sense what one might be able to do with the local variable resources.

^^I know the language trivia is meant to be characterization. It's a good impulse, but I don't think it belongs in this lecture. This is something you might reintroduce as a piece of trivia the professor shares with a student.

I have no idea what the first sentence of this paragraph is supposed to mean.

Not a wording comment; but if Harlow is meant to be correct here, I disagree. It's fair to view magic as a craft on the basis that it involves intuitive context-assessment skills, but being a craft doesn't mean it's not a science. Most crafts are also sciences. Optionally you could re-write this to have Harlow encouraging students to see themselves as creators/artists rather than scientists, since that's a more useful perspective for what they're going to be learning to do, but that still wouldn't mean magic isn't a science. (Again, this is a nitpick and entirely optional.)

Every few days the cats emerge from the thicket and attack us. Their numbers have been growing ever since the first attack - the last time there were over 20 surrounding the village on all sides. Seven men and two women were severely injured in the assault, with one succumbing to his wounds and the other six permanently incapacitated in some way. Thankfully no children were taken, though Bobby Smith was dragged part-way into the undergrowth before Carpenter Sam wrenched him out of the mogs' grip (Bobby's dad, Digby, was one of those wounded).
Now that winter's mostly passed a few of the others are suggesting we call for help, send a messenger to the governor perhaps. Most agree, though I see little chance of Governor Hinkley lifting a stubby little finger to do anything. Mercenaries are too expensive for a little village like ours, where hunger and disease'll likely kill us off anyway.
Last meeting I suggested we write to Cooper to see whether he'd help, but everyone was against me on that. Ma'am Gertrude reminded us all of the last time Cooper was in town: he and his fellows caused a major ruckus at her inn, scared away the chickens and blew a hole through the bar. Her daughter is still traumatised by Cooper's 'magic tricks', and said as much. I tried to explain that he hadn't meant to scare her (the love-blinded fool) but no one listened. As usual.

I do quite like it, is this an excrement from a story your writing? Im sure with the grander text it fits in nicely but isolated from us being aware of the protagonist it feels a little 'impersonal' we dont really hear much of the protagonists own thoughts or feelings to these events, but he/she simply states them, i think theres a bit of potential for some slightly deeper character depth here. 

What an odd thing for Crimson to say.

lol, im beginning to notice that it seems to be about the only critique i say. My excuse is that im just not very good at this stuff yet

Did you mean to say excerpt or excrement?

A good excrement in the morning does make the day go nicely.

LOL, wait, i didnt even notice at first, i guess its my brains subconscious fruedian slip letting the author know my REAL thoughts

Actually I'm going to disagree with Crimson saying this felt impersonal, I think the character's voice comes through the narration pretty clearly. They know these people they're mentioning well and have opinions on them all, and the village itself gains a lot of character through their eyes.

This is nice! You have a lot of variation in your sentence structure, you deliver necessary information in a way that is immediately relevant to the story, and you characterize the narrator well through their commentary on unfolding events. Nice job! I didn't have a lot of comments on the sentence structure, and what I do have is pretty nitpicky.

I was struggling to decide whether this feels impersonal or shows the character's voice nicely. I think it does both; you do a great job characterizing the narrator, but it feels impersonal because they're reacting so casually to a dire situation. That's fine, if that's the personality they have. If you intend them to be worried, though, you need to make sure that shows more clearly. Right now they seem pretty blase.

I like your use of names. It makes the situation feel much more real and personal, and characterizes the rest of the village.

The one danger I see here is that the character voice you've chosen is slightly wordy and slightly meandering. This adds personality, so I didn't optimize for efficiency as much as I usually do. But you risk lengthening your story, and wearing out the reader's patience. It's a trade off you'll have to bear in mind.

Every few days the cats emerge from the thicket and attack us. Their numbers have been growing ever since the first attack - the last time there were over 20 surrounding the village on all sides. Two women and sSeven men and two women were severely injured in the assault, one later with one succumbing to his wounds and the other six permanently incapacitated in some way. Thankfully no children were taken, though Bobby Smith was dragged part-way into the undergrowth before Carpenter Sam wrenched him out of the mogs' grip (Bobby's dad, Digby, was one of those wounded).

^^I really like your opening sentence. Attention-grabbing, original, and clear. 10/10 no notes. (I should say I am assuming these are actual cats, and not big cats like mountain lions.)

I like what you're trying to do with the parenthetical as a character moment. Unfortunately I think it disrupts the rhythm of the passage too much to be worth it. Good instinct though. Is there some way you can work that tone into your main description?

Now that winter's mostly passed a few of the others are suggesting we call for help, send a messenger to the governor perhaps. Most agree, though I see little chance of Governor Hinkley lifting a stubby little finger to do anything. Mercenaries are too expensive for a little village like ours, where hunger and disease'll likely kill us off anyway.

^^This is mostly fine; I just cut out some redundancies.

Last meeting I suggested we write to Cooper to see whether he'd help, but everyone was against me on that. Ma'am Gertrude reminded us all of the last time Cooper was in town: he and his fellows caused a major ruckus at her inn, scared away the chickens and blew a hole through the bar. Her daughter is still traumatised by Cooper's 'magic tricks', and said as much. I tried to explain that he hadn't meant to scare her (the love-blinded fool) but no one listened. As usual.

^^This is fine--but it might be even stronger as dialogue. Let's hear the narrator make this suggestion and let's hear Ma'am Gertrude tell her story in her own unique voice. Plus it makes a nice transition point out of your summary tone.

I like your parenthetical here; this one doesn't distract from the flow. "As usual" is also nice.

By the River
I pick the petals off the flower, letting them fly in the gentle breeze and land in the river, a few of the millions of little pink dots flowing away. “She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me.” That was the last petal, which means she must like me back, yet I still can’t work up the courage to ask her out. I sit in deep thought, until a familiar voice breaks my concentration.
“Julia, what are you doing out here?” It’s her, I feel my face heating up as I turn around and look at her.
“Just uh, looking at the pretty leaves.” She walks over and sits beside me, and my heart flutters. She doesn’t say anything for a moment, just looks at the river as I try to keep my face straight, barely able to stop looking at her. She’s so beautiful, with freckles dusting her nose and beautiful clear pale skin that perfectly pairs with her flowy white-blonde hair and dazzling emerald eyes. She’s perfect.
“This is nice, the perfect weather to just watch the river.” She says, sighing as she watches the leaves fall. As much as I want to tell her, I can’t muster up the courage to speak to her, so instead I sit with her, taking in the scene before me.

Wrote a story just for this.

Overall this is good! The writing is pretty clear and easy to read. You introduce the narrator's motivation immediately and characterize her throughout the passage.

I recommend keeping an eye out for tense changes and run on sentences; I noticed a number of those here. Shorter sentences are easier to read. Additionally, I'd recommend focusing on how you can show the reader something is happening rather than just telling us that it does. Turn descriptions of thoughts into direct thoughts, and turn transitions and emotions into actions.

"She loves me, she loves me not." I pick the petals off the flower, and letting them fly in the gentle breeze. andSome land in the river, joining a few of the millions of little pink dots flowing away. “She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me.” That wa's the last petal, which means she must like me back, y. Yet I still can’t work up the courage to ask her out. I sit in deep thought, until a familiar voice breaks my concentration.

^^I started with the dialogue to space things out and grab the reader. Small change; your call. The protagonist's realization that they still don't have the nerve to ask her out feels a little unemotional. Can you make that stronger? Try grounding it in action.

That last sentence is telling rather than showing. I recommend focusing on the protagonist's internal deep thoughts, and then just letting the interruption happen naturally.

“Julia, what are you doing out here?” It’s her, . I feel mMy face heatings up as I turn around and look at her.

^^Removing "I feel" immerses the reader more deeply in the narrator's perspective.

“Just, uh, looking at the pretty leaves.” She walks over and sits beside me, and my heart flutters. She doesn’t say anything for a moment, just looks quietly at the river aswhile I try to keep my face straightbreath steady, barely unable to stop looking at her. She’s so beautiful, with fFreckles dusting her nose and her beautiful clear pale skin that perfectly pairs with her flowy white-blonde hair and dazzling emerald eyes. She’s perfect.

^^I changed the focus on face to breath since she isn't currently looking at the narrator and thus can't see her face. (Also, she needs a name.) I removed some of the framing of the narrator's thoughts that would distance the reader from them. "She's perfect" is a strong way to end this paragraph.

“This is nice, the perfect weather to just watch the river.” She says, sighings as she watches the leaves fall. As much as I want to tell her, I can’t muster up the courage to speak to her, so instead I sit with her, taking in the scene before me.

^^That last sentence is again, telling not showing. Let's see the narrator struggling to tell her. Have her run through some possibilities in her head. Have her start to speak and then change the subject. Have her internally hype herself off, only to get cut off by some distraction. Then it will mean more when we see her give up and just sit in silence.

"Can you tell me what this is?" 

"Is it... a bedazzler?" I hesitantly offer.

A bewildered look crosses my abducter's face, and he shakes his head. The grip on the odd machine he holds loosens, and he swings it in circles around his index finger carelessly. His right hand grips tight on my wrist, holding me in place where I sit tied to a wooden chair. 

"...What? No. What's a bedazzler?"

"What, you don't know about bedazzlers? They're like the greatest invention ever! You can use it to put rhinestones on things and make them all cute and shiny. I used one on the heels I'm wearing! Here, see?" I quickly lift my leg up to show him, and accidently kick it into something that the sun doesn't usually shine on.

"Oh, fuck... oww..." 

The man keels over, clutching the spot where his genitals reside and my cheeks instantly turn a bright tomato red as I finally come to realize where my foot previously touched. I lower my foot, and lean forward to check if he's alright.

"Oh my goodness! I am so sorry!" 

"Eughh, oww... Did you do that on purpose?" he spits out between groans. Despite the white surgical gas mask covering his entire face, I could still tell from his voice that he was super duper upset with me.

"Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no. I really didn't mean to - I promise! Pinky swear!" 

"Well - eugh - it doesn't matter. Back to the matter at hand." He stands up shakedly, and brings the contraption he holds up to my head, pointing the barrel at my temple, and pushing in hard.

"This," he says as pushes in deeper, "is a Tylum Power 360 Nail Gun. It can travel up to 1400 feet per second, and uses 80 nails a magazine. It can go through, wood, metal, concrete..."

A pause. 

"-flesh." he finishes, as he jabs the machine in deeper, and I worry its going to make a mark.

"This baby could even stop a 25,000 pound semi truck right in its tracks. With the right shot, of course."

"Ohh! So it's like a car thing. Yeah, usually I just get my boyfriend to handle all of that."

 

This is pretty funny.

That is all the in depth critique I have to offer today.

I like this a lot. The wording and structure is also straightforward and works really well. It's also pretty solid humor. I have very few critiques.

"The grip on the odd machine he holds loosens," is very awkward. "His grip on the odd machine loosens might be better" or something like "He loosens his grip on the odd machine." I also might suggest relaxed instead of loosened because he's doing it involuntarily and it's not something being forced upon him.

Also "the spot where his genitals reside" could probably be shortened to genitals. Perhaps even balls, stones, cajones, dick, penis, cock, hog, wiener, peepee, weewee, pecker... etc

I could probably go deeper into it and look for improvements, but those were the only two things that actually affected my reading of the piece

Well actually the abductor is a trans man, so they don't have a penis, but I appreciate the advice!

That's it. Meet me in Dodge City, Kansas so we can fistfight on neutral ground

No

I don't think you can afford the travel fees... :(

Dude this is 400 words so I'll just do the first half lol.

Overall the sentence structure here is very good--practically everything I have to say is a nitpick or a matter of personal taste. The scene has a great pace, and the dialogue flows smoothly from one line to the next. I get a very clear sense of both character's personalities. I like the humor.

The only minor thing I noticed was you're sometimes wordier than you need to be. Nothing major.

"Can you tell me what this is?"

"Is it... a bedazzler?" I hesitantly offer.

^^Not bad for a set of opening lines, I'm curious.

A bewildered look crosses my abducter's face, and he shakes his head. He loosens his grip The grip on the odd machine he holds loosens, and he swings it in circles around his index finger carelessly. His right hand grips tight on my wrist tightly, holding me in place where I sit tied to a wooden chair.

^^Carelessly is not necessary; it's clear from context. You're in the passive voice for most of this paragraph, so I switched that around. It's a bit unnecessary for him to hold the narrator in place while they're already tied to a wooden chair. (If you want to get both in; maybe the narrator can remark on that.)

"...What? No. What's a bedazzler?"

^^I had to google this too because I thought it might be a term you were making up for the story lol.

"What, yYou don't know about bedazzlers? They're, like, the greatest invention ever! You can use it them to put rhinestones on things and make them all cute and shiny. I used one on the heels I'm wearing! Here, see?" I quickly lift my leg up to show him, and accidently kick it into something that where the sun doesn't usually shine on.

^^Added a few commas, and tightened up some phrasing.

"Oh, fuck... oww..." 

^^This seems like an underreaction. Add an exclamation point maybe?

The man keels over, clutching the spot where his genitals residehis crotch and my cheeks instantly turn a bright tomato red as I finally come to realize what happenedere my foot previously touched. I lower my foot, and lean forward to check if he's alright.

^^Nitpick: I'm not a big fan of using "the man" to refer to someone who's name is unknown; it's really vague. "The stranger" is a good compromise, but it's better if you can get a name or nickname. (Nicknames are also a great way to show narrator & character personality. Maybe the narrator fixates on some unusual article of clothing he's wearing.)

I see your response to Petros, but "where his genitals reside" is still clunky. Judging by the tone of this piece you might want a dirtier word than "crotch" but alas I cannot help you there.

"To check if he's alright" is not necessary because the next line clarifies it:

"Oh my goodness! I am so sorry!"

Thank you for your comment, Gryphon. I'll take your advice to heart. Also, I only said that the stranger was a trans man to get at Petros lol. If I ever decide to do something with this excerpt I'll make it dirtier. 

Okay, my turn! This is an excerpt from the novel I've been working on for the past two years and should probably be finished with sometime in the 2050s.

Context: Scifi. The narrator is in a bad spot and crashing with Dee, a local resident. While trying to fix her broken dishwasher (against her wishes), he accidentally burst a pipe and caused some minor flooding. He's met her outdoors returning from an errand.

--------

“Listen, I have some news about the dishwasher, but before I get into that, I have to share some important personal context.”

“Oh lord,” said Dee.

“I was stuck in hyperspace before I got here,” I said. “I made a bad jump and I royally fucked the drive. Like, the wiring and the insulation had melted together… it was awful. I practically had to rebuild it from scratch.”

“Yes, I understand you’re very smart.”

“No, that’s not—Look, I just want you to understand where I’m coming from. My recent history. I just want to make it absolutely clear that I am no stranger to grappling with challenging mechanical problems.”

Dee rubbed her eyebrows. “You broke the dishwasher.”

“The dishwasher is in no worse a condition than it was this morning,” I assured. “In fact, the building has undergone no permenant structural damage of any kind—”

“If I go in there, am I going to find my bar room flooded?”

“Let’s not quibble about transient hypotheticals,” I dismissed. “The real question—”

I had been intending to block the doorway, but Dee shoved me aside with practically no effort, and I went pinwheeling down the steps.

Love the dialogue, it's really just the last line that feels clunky to me compared to the snappy back and forth of the rest of it.

Perhaps to tighten it up just something like:
'I had placed myself in front of the doorway, but she shouldered past me in a no nonsense manner and I went pinwheeling down the steps.'

'I blocked the doorway as I spoke, but she shoved me aside with an impatient hand and...'

'With embarassingly little effort she shoved past my attempt to block the door, and...'



"I had intended" seemed unnecessary when he WAS blocking the door, otherwise she wouldn't have needed to shove him aside. "Practically" is such an imprecise term it just feels like padfing for the sentence, and shortening the first half leaves you room to get a little more creative with the second.

I'm also assuming that this is an alien, otherwise "pinwheeling down the steps" would be bringing to mind some kind of grevious harm.

Thanks for the feedback! Yeah that last line is clunky. I did mean for the narrator to be human; I used "pinwheeling" just because he can be kind of dramatic with his descriptions, but I think you're right that the word is too strong. I'll swap it out for something like "stumbled". Thanks for catching "practically"; I add filler words like this all the time and looks like I missed this one on my edit.

Thanks for the feedback! I'll definitely bear these edits in mind as I go through the passage. "Had been intending" is clunky; I can fix that. "Practically" might be substituted for "basically" or moved later in the sentence. I'll give it some more thought. I know I tend to go light on imagery; so that's something to bear in mind. (I intended this narrator to be light on descriptions as a personality trait; but again, that's a trade-off that might not be worth it. I'll ruminate.)

I feel like having your entry consist mostly of dialogue makes it much harder to give feedback. After all, almost all of the words I read aren't your own, but your characters'! And who am I to change your character's voice.

So instead of going line by line, I'll have to break the rules of this thread and just give you my overall thoughts:

The good:
- The actual dialogue itself. It flows naturally. Especially the line "No, that’s not—Look...". It reads like natural language instead of forced exposition through the mouth of a character.
- Adding upon the point above, I like people actually cut each other off.
- Characters have personality.

The bad:
- It's mostly just dialogue. I would like to see more actions interspersed in between the lines. Instead of the two of them saying and replying in an empty void, have them walk around and interact with the scene as they say stuff. The driest conversations arise when the both of you just stand still and face each other exchanging lines like AI chats or autists, and that applies to written scenes as well. For example: Dee could be pulling at the door multiple times as the narrator pushes it closed again with each reply. Or a small pool of water could slowly leak out from under it as the conversation progresses, forcing the narrator to kinda do the little foot dance kicking it back again.
- Getting shoved aside with practically no effort after all that effort kinda blows. But I feel like others already tackled that sentence sufficiently.

The ugly:
- permenant

OK, here is the first page of a new story I am writing:

---

There's no heaven for cops because there are no criminals in heaven, no bodies to find, no clues to discover, no chases to run, no fights to win. But if there's a hell for cops, it would be like this.

"Don't you think this is lovely?" someone says nearby.

You cast your gaze in the direction that you think of as 'down,' at a floor made of some hi-tech substance that your brain calls 'glass.' The reflection looking back shows a 28-year-old woman with short red hair, intense green eyes, and a snarl on her face. The snarl is what sets her apart from a world where everybody is striving to be constantly happy and eternally 28.

"Perhaps a bit too dark," the cust replies.

Below the glass, beneath your feet, and beyond your reflection, lies nothing, the great nothing—space. By all means, it should be above you, your mind keeps insisting, but here, it's below, and there's a certain poetry in this. Those who are here have made it to the top, so they can now look down at the stars that shine beneath their feet.

"What do you think, Ms. Angelside?"

Really appreciate you and Gryphon doing these so that I don't have to.

I don't have much to add to this except that I agree the first paragraph has a weird disconnect with the rest. Those were some good opening lines, then it moved on into space. I'm not even really sure why this scenario in particular is supposed to be so hellish, or what brought on the snarl. (Which may be a stronger word than intended there--the narration implies the viewpoint character is disgruntled, feeling out of place and so on, but not overcome with fury.)

Thank you both for the advice. Got to edit this a bit more.