Not sure if any of you guys have ever played or heard of The Dark Room by John Robertson, but for those of you who haven't... I suppose the best way I can think to describe it, is that it is either the best or the worst text based adventure game of all time, and I really can't decide which. Either way, I'm going to attempt to recreate it for you! ^_^
... You awake to find yourself in a dark room!
A. Go North
B. Turn on Light Swith
... Because it's dark. And it's a room. And you're awake in it. ^_^
B. Turn on Light Switch
You're completely overwhelmed with exhaustion from spending a whole 10 seconds doing FUCKING NOTHING!!! You fall asleep... And when you wake up... Guess what...
You awake to find yourself in a dark room! ^_^
A. Check Pockets
B. Czech Pockets
Congratulations! Your pockets were made in the Czech Republic. This information doesn't help you escape, but it's lovely to know.
A. Will you ever be kind to me?
Hmm... Let me think about it... No. And now you're dead. ^_^
Would you like to play again?
Yes. Sorry, wish I could help, but I'm afraid the belt just really doesn't like you. It was made in Germany and seems to have some kind of grudge against your Czech pockets... Ah well, what you gonna do?
Then start a new game then!
You awake to find yourself in a dark room!
Can I go south?
No... And just for asking, you're dead.
Would you like to play again? ^_^
Oh, what fun!
A. Go north, I guess...
You proceed in the direction you believe to be north... And walk into a wall. It then occurs to you that you have no idea which direction north is. How can you be sure? You don't have a compass, and even if you did, you wouldn't be able to see it. You're in a dark room!
C. Abandon Hope
D. Find Light Switch
How will you find the light switch? You're in a dark room! You need the light switch to see, do you see? ... Oh, I just got the weirdest sense of deja vu.
A. I see
B. I don't see
A. I see
Bullshit you see! You're in a dark room!
A. Listen for Light Switch
B. Touch the Wall
You listen for the light switch... It bores you with stories of the great war between electricity and steam.
A. Smell For Light Switch
B. Touch The Wall
The dark room smells of roomy darkness.
A. Touch The Wall
B. That Doesn't Make Sense!
A. And if you say it is too dark to find, screw you. I'll stumble until I do.
You caress the wall... It's indifferent to you.
A. Touch Another Wall
It's just being coy.
A. Touch another wall
Now the first wall's jealous!
B. Touch Yet Another Wall
B. Touch another wall.
Bitch needs to know that I can have the biggest wall-harem I want.
Oh, I see! You’re just some sort of brick work slut, aren’t you? Now the walls have lost all respect for you. They cannot stand your bizarre brand of brick and mortar molestation. The walls collapse and the ceiling caves in… You die!
You're just a glutton for punishment, aren't you? ^_^
Ja, pretty much.
How will you find the light switch? You're in a dark room! You need the light switch to see, do you see?
Idk. How dark is the dark room?
... It's dark. ^_^
Edit: Oh shit, that was the wrong reply. Let me fix that...
Well, that's always been your problem. Self esteem too high! Think you can turn on anything. Even inanimate objects. What would you turn the light switch on with?
A. With My Finger
B. Think Outside The Box
Congratulations! Your brain is now free of cardboard. Unfortunately, you're not trying to escape the box, are you? You're trying to escape the dark room!
A. Abandon Hope
B. Kill Self
C. Think Outside The Room
Hey, get your own thread.
Are you high? None of what you just said makes any sense.
You think outside the room. Which means your brain is outside the room! Wonderful! You've done it!!! There's just one problem... Your body is still inside the room. So, if your body is inside the room and your brain is outside the room, that can mean only one thing... You're dead!
Have fun aimlessly floating around in a jar on some mad scientist's bookshelf... Unless of course, you'd like to play again. ^_^
I get the impression that this is an unwinnable game, but A.
What in the world would give you that impression?
Oh yeah, I remember that game. I think I spent a couple of days doing nothing but playing it. ^_^
Do you smell or listen for the light switches?
By groping the poor, unsuspecting walls. ^_^
You sleep. You wake up. I'll give you one guess...
I know what happen with the other one.
Congratulations, you're wearing checked pockets. It's a hideous fashion choice, and you wouldn't have known because the room is so dark... But I decided to tell you anyway. ^_^
A. Really Check Pockets
B. Abandon Hope
I don’t care that I’m in a room, or even that I can’t see, but the fact that I’m wearing checked pockets is just too much.
Oh, lovely. This is you:
"Oh, I'm in a dark room. I guess I'll take a nap... Hmm... I'm still in a dark room... Fuck, my pockets are ugly... Waa!" Remember at school when the teacher said you were unnecessarly dramatic about everything? Well, this is why.
A. Lean On Wall And Weep
This is usually when my mom comes and comforts me, telling me that my pockets aren’t that ugly, even though I know she’s lying.
Awh, poor diddums. You weep against the wall. You weep and you weep and you weep and... Well done! You have found the light switch! Or, at least... Your tears have! Your tears trickle down the wall. Your tears find the light switch. 1000 volts dance up your tears into your face. You die!
Jesus, you're a bunch of lazy bastards, aren't you? You also go to bloody sleep, and when you bloody wake up...
You awake to find yourself in a dark bloody room!
Oh? You have packets? What of?
Congratulations, you have a packet of cigarettes... But... Hasn't anybody ever told you that smoking kills? You die!
C. Yes, but only if it isn't rigged.
(And you can't kill us off because we're already dead!)
It's not rigged... But I'm not very good at deviating from the script, so basically, any time somebody picks a non existing option... They die! (Granted, they will probably also die if they pick an existing option, but don't blame me, blame the guy who made the game.)
Well, that's always been your problem too. Self esteem too high! Think you can turn on anything. Even inanimate objects. What would you turn the light switch on with?
Once again, logic has arrived at the dark room! You would turn the light switch on with your finger... There's only one problem with that... You're in a dark room! Your finger doesn't know where the light switch is! Unless of course your finger can see in the dark... Can it?
A. My Finger Can See
B. My Finger Is Normal
C. My Finger Is Flipping You Off
It can? Well, that's extremely impressive. Your body can do some incredible things... Why is that?
A. I'm Radioactive
Expecting the worst...
Yes! Plot-point unlocked! You are radioactive! You were born in Chernobyl... Oh dear. This isn't going to end well, is it? ^_^
Well, that escalated quickly. You know, if you're going to abandon Hope... Why don't you abandon her sisters too? Faith and Love and Charity. I never said you were alone in the dark room. There were four little girls with you, and you just abandoned them. Now they're dead. Four dead little girls... How does that make you feel?
A. Kill Self
C. Steal Their Stuff
YES!!! Ladies and gentlemen, this is the mark of a true gamer! Killed the children? Loot their corpses! I am so proud. ^_^
Unfortunately, I think you'll find it's difficult to steal from immaterial concepts like Faith and Love and Hope and Charity. There were never any little girls. Sometimes I lie to you! Can we get back to the game now, please?
A. Find the Light Switch
B. Check Pockets
C. Click Heels Together
Good choice! Of you go then. Up you get, Undr, put a nice pair of ruby slippers on. Click your heels together and say, "There's no place like CoG." ^_^
A cruel ending for me. I obviously don't want to visit CoG, but refusing would make me die either way. I suppose there's no "undo" option, right?
*grits teeth, clicks heels and mutters, "tHeRe'S nO pLaCe LiKe CoG"*
Yes there is, it's called Tumblr... But well done! Come on undr, once again! "There's no place like CoG!" Only this time, louder!!! ^_^
"There's no place like CoG!!"
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE COG!
Perfect! You finally did it! You're not in Kansas anymore, baby! You're on the CoG forums! The community are waiting to welcome you with open arms! How doe that make you feel?
A. Happier Than A Fat Kid With Cake
B. More Nervous Than A Black Guy In A Police Line Up
C. Depressed As An SJW Without A Straight White Male To Scream At
D. Uhh... Extremely Excited To Meet All These Lovely People. ^_^
And you awake to find yourself in a dark room!
B. Turn on Light Switch
Finally! Fucking finally! Logic has arrived at the dark room! You would turn the light switch on with your finger... There's only one problem with that... You're in a dark room! Your finger doesn't know where the light switch is! Unless of course your finger can see in the dark... Can it?
That's a boring choice! This is you! "Oh... I'm in a dark room... ... Well, that's normal."
A. What is normal?
That I died again?
This is you: "Oh, I'm in a dark room... ... Well, that's normal... But what is normal?"
You have selected Christmas. You sleep. You dream...
A. Move to Bethlehem
Yes! You must return to the land of your fathers. The Roman governor is taking a census! ^_^
A. Book An Inn
This is really linear...
A. Book an Inn
Oh, shit! You forgot to book an inn! It's too late now! They're all full!
A. Ask For a Room
Let me guess. This loops back to me being in a dark room.
There's no room at the inn!
A. Look For Another Inn
There's no room at this inn either!
A. Premier Inn!
Lenny Henry hasn't been born yet. He can't help you.
A. Sleep In A Stable
You also awake to find yourself in a dark room!
Because it's still dark. And it's still a room. And you're still awake in it. ^_^
After a bizaree wet dream involving an assortment of short crust pastries and The Jonas Brothers...
Oh shit, you don't have any pockets... Infact, you don't have any clothes at all! You are naked in the dark room! Why the fuck are you naked? What have you been up to, you dirty, dirty boy? I think it's time you started contemplating your life choices... Unfortunately, you don't have much time for that. You catch hypothermia and die!
Oh goody! ^_^
Because it's dark, Algae! And it's a room, Algae! And you're awake in it, Algae!
B. turn on the light switch
Well, that's always been your problem, Algae! Self esteem too high! Think you can turn on anything. Even inanimate objects. What would you turn the light switch on with?
A. With my FingerS
Yet again, logic has arrived at the dark room! You would turn the light switch on with your fingerS... There's only one problem with that... You're in a dark room! Your fingerS don't know where the light switch is! Unless of course your fingerS can see in the dark... Can they?
A. My FingerS Can See
B. My FingerS Are Normal
C. My FingerS Are Flipping You Off
My normal FingerS flip you off and then feel around until they find the wall the lights attached to.
Hmm... I am curious... What about this game so far has led you to believe that this was a good idea? Still, I don't want to seem unreasonably cruel. There's something I have to admire about a man who commits whole heartedly to a bad chioce. ^_^
You flip me off... Bad news, Algae! I am not in the dark room. You are in the dark room, which means you flip off the shadows, and I don't mean Cliff Richard's opening band, I just mean the darkness... And no, I don't mean them either.
Let me tell you something, Algae... The darkness doesn't care!
B. Refuse To Cry
Be a real goblin and cry my eyes out in the corner.
Hey, guess what... This is you:
"Oh, I'm in a dark room... Fuck you, dark room! ... Oh, the dark room doesn't care... Waa!" Krenko the Mob Boss... More like Krenko the Sob Boss! Am I right? Huh? Huh? High fives? No? Ah well.
You light up the room with your bright smile... But why is your smile so bright? Oh shit, you drank a whole bottle of fluorescent dye. What the fuck did you do that for? Well, you can see as clear as day now, but the bad new is, you also die of poisoning... Would you like to play again?
A. Lean on wall and cry. Then realize that I found a wall and search along wall for light switch.
Your tears electrocute you. I’ve already done this option.
*quickly drys eyes before this happens.*
Watch it say your blind
Oh, you're touching the wall? Okey dokey!