The second one was great entertainment.
What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and a submarine?
One's at the bottom of the ocean filled with seamen and the other's a submarine.
Fun fact! Has anyone else realized that "Maddie" is an anogram for "I'm dead?" ^_^
Why are dark jokes like kids with cancer?
They never get old.
Why is Usain Bolt so fast?
All the slow black men are in jail.
What's the difference between Santa and a Jew?
Santa goes down the chimney.
What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese person?
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
The thread was probably intended as a fun little family friendly pun thread...and then you came...
Love the jokes btw.
Thank you, I do my best. ^_^
So a CYStian and a CoGite walk into the woods at night.
The CoGite says "Oh it's so dark and I'm so scared."
The CYStian says "You think you're scared, I gotta walk back out of this woods by myself."
What's the difference between a joke and 3 cocks?
A CoGite can't take a joke. ^_^
Do you have a date for valentine's day?
Yes, it's February 14th.
What's the difference between Michael Jackon and acne?
Acne waits until a boy's a teenager before it comes on his face.
What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A pedo-file. ^_^
Why do you never see black people on cruise ships?
Because they're not falling for that again!
What's the difference between a Saudi Arabian rape victim and a guy smoking marijuana?
One's getting stoned and the other is smoking marijuana. ^_^
These are hilarious, thank you.
What's 18 inches long, stiff, and makes girls cry all night?
That's SIDS, for the American viewers.
What do you call a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've already told her twice.
They say there is safety in numbers. Tell that to 6 million Jews.
You know, I was raised Catholic. I used to hate all the standing up and sitting down and getting on my knees all the time. I wished the priest would just pick a position and fuck me.
Come on MHD, I was only joking! Obviously I was never raped by a priest... I'm a girl ^_^
Protestants: We don't frick over kids like Catholics, plus works-based salvation is dumb, faith alone is da way. So join us, or burn.
Nah I'm Protestant. While most are Catholics, certain Hispanics are more likely to be Protestant, like Puerto Ricans.
No I'm a hardstruck protestant.
Meaning your parents struck you so hard that you never questioned your beliefs again. ^_^
The sound a Catholic makes when he accidentally strangles himself with his own rosary! O.O
hispanic protestant lol
It's strange to me as well, but I doubt anyone was interested in worshipping the Aztec pantheon after Spain fucked everything up. I mean, if they were real, they would have smote the shit out of the Spaniards instead of letting their worshippers get murder raped
His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.”
The dad, wanting to make his son happy, asks his son what that is.
His son replies, “I want a single ping pong ball.”
Confused, his dad agrees, and on his fifteenth birthday, the son opens his present to find a single pig pong ball inside.
“Dad! Thank you so much! I am the happiest kid on this planet!”
The next day, the father goes into his son’s room but doesn’t find the ping pong ball anywhere.
Next year rolls around, and the father asks his son what he wants for his birthday, probably a car, or a new video game.
The father, only wanting to please his son, asks what that one thing is.
His son says to him, “I want a ten pack of ping pong balls.”
The father was a little weirded out, but he did as his son wished, and on his sixteenth birthday, the son opened his present to find a pack of ping pong balls.
“Dad thank you so much! I love them!”
The next day, he goes up to his son’s room, and doesn’t find one ping pong ball anywhere.
Twelve months pass, and it’s time for the son to turn seventeen.
The father, ready for whatever outrageous gift his son might want, asks him what he would like for his birthday.
The dad, thinking he’s about to spend a shitload of money on a new car, asks his son what that thing is.
“I want a jug of ping pong balls.”
The dad, who was just taken aback by the whole situation, bought his son a jug of ping pong balls to open on his seventeenth birthday.
“Oh my god! Dad thank you so much!”
On the next day, the dad goes into his son’s room, but doesn’t find a single ping pong ball anywhere.
Four seasons pass, and his son is becoming an adult. The father, who is about to send his only son to college, prepares himself for the amount of money he is about to spend on his favorite kid to send him to his alma mater, and asks him what he wants for his birthday.
The father asks him what that one thing just might be.
“Well dad, I want a warehouse full of ping pong balls.”
The dad is like, holy shit? “What is up with my son and his ping pong balls?” But he does as his son wishes, and the next day, he drives his son to the an old abandoned warehouse. They open the door, and ping pong balls just roll out. Everywhere.
“Dad. Thank you so much. I love you!”
Around 24 hours later, the dad drives down to the warehouse, opens the door, but there’s not a single ping pong ball inside.
8,772 hours later, the son is turning nineteen. But a few days before his birthday, he is in an awful wreck. He’s hospitalized. Hooked up to thirty different machines.
The father is devastated. He goes into his son’s hospital room, and asks him what he wants for his birthday. “Son, I’m going to make this your best birthday yet. I will buy you anything. Anything you want.”
The dad, who is already up to protocol, is like, “alright. How many ping pong balls do you want this time?”
“I want a boatload. As many as you can buy.”
The father, just trying to make his son’s days in the hospital enjoyable, buys a boatload of ping pong balls. He buys out every warehouse of ping pong balls. Uses his life savings to buy every single ping pong ball in America.
He walks into his son’s hospital room to tell him the news.
“Dad I can’t believe you bought me all of these ping pong balls. How can I ever repay you?”
The dad, who wants to know what the fuck is up with his son and these ping pong balls, asks, “well there is one way son.”
“What is it Dad?”
“What do you do with all of these fucking ping pong balls?”
The son was happy to tell his dad what he did with the ping pong balls. “Well dad,” he started, but never finished. The son died.
And promptly shat out 1000 ping pong balls. ^_^
Hickery Dickery Dock
Coin's Mom was sucking my cock
The clock struck two, I dropped my dew
And dumped her ass on the next block
Still a better love story than Twilight. ^_^
Where's the joke?
Life is a joke! #Iam14andthisisdeep
MHD needs to draw Briar on a stage telling jokes.
The last time MHD drew someone on a stage telling jokes, things got out of hand.
She stopped at hip-level for a reason!
OMG, I fucking love it!!! <3 <3 <3
... Wait, where is your hat?
What happened in the last intervention? :p
Oh wait, I remember. Three months of Disney Anonymous.
Why do Jewish women like circumcised penises?
They like anything that's 20% off.
What do you call a black and orange zombie with a stinger?
A zombee ^_^
What do you call a bee's ghost?
I have been played
but you know what, Catholics did some messed up stuff *cough cough* indulgences *cough cough* and plus, Salvation is based on Faith Alone, not through good works, so NO man may boast.
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
Why did Glenn's face turn red?
Because Negan smashed it in with a baseball bat. ^_^
Why did I fuck coins' mom?
Because she's a dirty whore.
What's the difference between Rick Grimes and Carl Grimes?
Rick Grimes has two I's.
A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.
"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"
"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."
"This is gonna be great, Bob!" gushes Larry the cucumber.
The bartender serves drinks to the two of them, and sure enough, they both turn human!
"Look at me, Bob!" exclaims Larry the ex-cucumber. "I'm human!"
"That's very nice, Larry," says Bob the ex-tomato, "but do be careful!"
Larry happily prances out the door. He is so excited about being human, he forgets to look both ways before crossing the street, and he is hit by a car and turned back into a cucumber.
Bob rushes outside to save his friend, but he too forgets to look both ways, is hit by a car, and turns back into a tomato.
The bartender rushes outside and calls an ambulance.
"Are they still alive?" asks the dispatcher.
"They are," says the bartender, "but I'm worried that they will be vegetables for the rest of there lives."
What you have done has made god very unhappy.
By being catholic instead of orthodox.
Only Catholics watch Vegetales! O.O
Good thing I don't watch it!
I didn't even know Vegetales was a thing until recent years...
My friend: What do you call a snowman's dog?
My other friend: Dog.
... I don't get it.
She was being sarcastic... the real answer was slush puppy
here's a good joke, me finishing my storygame that's due today (mizal pls don't shoot me)
Your punishment for not finishing the game on time is 50 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers.
We're watching you.