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Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

26 days ago
Commended by Mystic_Warrior on 11/8/2025 6:59:05 PM
In today's Thunderdome we have Petros, some kind of brown person known for mocking noobs, writing funny games, and hating dogs, children, and Suranna, versus challenger Wildblue, a white girl known for flaking on contests and stopping by the site for 5 minutes every six months! Will Petros come to hate Wildblue as much as he hates Suranna? There's only one way to find out! The prompt was: an isolated town experiences a mysterious power outage, and moments later strange events begin to occur. Since I've got to leave again in five minutes, with no further ado, let's get this match underway!

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

26 days ago
Story A: Tabitha had just turned the key in the lock when her phone went off. Stepping inside, she dropped her heavy backpack with a sigh and thumbed the screen on. MOM read the display, and she sighed again. "Another late night..." "Hey Tabby honey, you done with practice?" "Yeah Mom, just got home. What's up?" "Well, it's going to be another late night for me. You aunt will bring Jakey by at 7:00. There's those pork chops in the fridge, just make something else to go with them and make sure he's in bed by 10:00." "Sure Mom." Tabitha wandered over to the kitchen, gazing vaguely around for 'something else'. "Sasha said she's helping him with his homework so no worries about that. And sorry this is happening again, you know I'd be there if I could. There's just a lot going on right now and--" Her mom went on apologetically while she selected a can of green beans and a pouch of instant potatoes from the pantry, and reached for the fridge door to see if that can of biscuits was still in there. It should be, not like Mom was doing a lot of cooking lately or around longer than it took to pound down three cups of coffee in the morning. Aunt Sasha had brought the pork chops over yesterday. They'd be tough when reheated. It was then she saw the blue bag with its rhinestoned butterfly in the fridge and let out another sigh. "Mom, you forgot your shake again." "I did?" Tabitha tried to laugh as her mom let out a four letter word and immediately apologized again. "Yep, I'm looking right at them." Flipping up the flap revealed the expected heavy steel thermos sloshing with the terrifying mixture of organic wheat grass and whey and kale and god knew what else her mom put together every morning, and bag of baby carrots. She reflected that between the scatter brained, nervous energy and her diet her mom might as well be a very buff rabbit. "Oh, gosh honey I hate to ask, but could you--" "Yeah Mom, no problem. Fourth floor again?" They had had this exact same conversation Monday, or maybe it had been Tuesday. She thought with amusement that if she were a couple years older she could deliver for Uber and actually get paid for this, with all this experience. "Yes, but just leave it at the desk. There's a meeting, I won't be able to see you and they don't want anyone wandering around, these special clients--well, I shouldn't say anything." Her mom fell into an awkward silence. "Sure, I'll be there in half an hour." Tabitha said, pouring herself a glass of juice and grabbing for a box of cheese crackers and only half paying attention as they said their goodbyes. A few minutes later she was back on her bike. This late in the year the sky was already darkening fast, not that it was any less humid, and it had been a warm day. No chance of a white Christmas here, she had missed those since they moved to the US. She knew everyone mourned differently, but packing up all three of their lives and moving them thousands of miles south had been a hell of a way for Mom to get over Dad. They had family here, she said, but it's not like she ever saw them anyway when all she did was work. The first strings of lights were already up, and she had paused at a stop sign to observe Rudolph attending the birth of Christ when she noticed something in the sky up ahead, a powerful white light. Pedaling forward to get a quicker view in a gap between some buildings and trees, Tabitha saw the light, like a spotlight, centered on the hospital on the hill up ahead to her left. Several smaller likes zipped through the sky above it, which from the dim outline and sound even from this distance she recognized as helicopters. "What on Earth..." This was a small town. The one hospital had one helicopter, that it used to take the seriously injured to a larger city. Though the hospital itself was kind of an oddity she knew, they did some kind of research and sometimes treated special, anonymous patients. Tabitha was very vague on the the details, and she only knew this much of course because her mom worked there. That's where she was headed now. But why the whole fleet, like something out of a movie? There was no time to dwell on this thought though as in that moment, less than a minute after spotting the light, the streets around her went dark. The strings of Christmas lights winked off, and the street lights, and the lights in the windows of houses, office buildings, and shops. A few cars honked, and only their beams in passing illuminated anything. With the exception of the hospital on the hill, where her mom was, still bathed in that steady spotlight from the circling chopper. As she watched, several green blips flared up in the sky. There were not helicopters, from the erratic way they moved. One of them streaked down to the ground, and left an afterimage burned in her vision. The rest of the ride there was eerie and surreal. An attempt to call her mom showed her phone had a dead signal, and the pitch dark streets lit only at random moments by passing cars seemed suddenly unfamiliar and threatening. From somewhere overhead there came a high pitched humming sound, almost a whistle, and dogs began to bark, and then to howl. Then it was gone as suddenly as it came. Trying not to give in to her nerves, Tabitha made sure her light and reflectors were showing, and resecured her helmet, but when she arrived at the hospital, things got stranger still. Barricades had been set up, but no one was guarding them on the side she approached from, so she easily threaded her bike through and began to pedal across the parking lot. From off in one direction she heard shouts, then the scattered staccato of what could only be gunfire, freezing her blood. There was another flash of that green light though, and then silence. Tabitha's heart was pounding, but she knew she had to find her mom and make sure that she was safe. Shoving her bike in some bushes near the entrance, she began to run. The sliding doors didn't open with the power out, and she fought with them a minute in a panic of being spotted, seeing eerily elongated shadows moving along a wall. Trying the side doors until she found one that was open, she darted inside the eerily dark hospital. "What happened to the backup generator?" she mumbled to herself with a sense of dread. The power being for real out in a place like this was dangerous and bad, even more than whatever was going on outside. Patients hooked up to machines could die, and where was the staff? In the dark she nearly tripped on the first body. The flashlight from her phone flicked on for a quick second revealed the old woman who usually sat at the reception desk, with a hole blown in her chest and a look of confusion and terror on her face. Others looked to be regular people, and one of the coffee shop staff was lying halfway in the door of the now dead elevator, shot in the back. Tabitha felt sick to her stomach and struggled not to vomit as she made her way cautiously up the stairs, feeling her way in the pitch dark. Four stories of that, single minded in the thought of finding her mom, though it seemed like the opposite of an answered prayer when she heard a familiar shout. The voice undoubtedly belonged to her mom, but panicked and with an edge of fear to it that Tabitha had never heard before. She charged up the last few steps and saw her mom struggling with a man in a military uniform. He carried a big gun, and hearing her footsteps he turned and half raised it, when her mom stabbed him with on his side with something in her hand. The bullets went wide and the man staggered back with an angry shout, and by that time Tabitha had closed the distance. She swung the blue bag first, feeling the heavy steel thermos inside make contact with his nose, and then she kicked him in the knee as hard as she could, feeling her foot make solid contact and hearing a satisfying crack. The man fell backwards--into the open elevator shaft behind him, that Tabitha hadn't even noticed in her adrenaline rush. For a moment after hearing the thud she stared down into the dark pit, knowing he couldn't have survived. Then her mom was pulling her back and hugging her, crying. "I'm so glad you're okay, honey, thank God, I'm so glad you're okay!" "I uh, I brought your shake," Tabitha said lamely. She'd probably dented it too, but to imagine she'd used to actually resent all that judo practice her mom made her do! "I was worried about you too, Mom. I saw the lights and--" "Stop right there! Hands in the air or we'll shoot!" A man's voice bellowed, and Tabitha looked up to see two more men in uniforms, these with even bigger guns. There was an instant she was too scared to breath, and then two green flashes of light struck the men down. Crowding into the doorway for an instant then were strange, pale figures. Tabitha saw slender, elongated fingers and a face with only slits for nostrils and large, reptilian eyes. One of them looked directly at her and she stared back in disbelief, feeling a chill run up her spine. But then the creature made a sound at the others and they all moved on, leaving the doorway empty except for the bodies of the men. "Mom, what is going ON here?" Tabitha managed to gasp out when she was able to speak again. "Oh honey, I hardly even know where to start." Her mom's voice was strained and there were circles under her eyes. "The hospital has been researching these...these aliens, and we were contracted by the military to start surgically altering some of them to look more human, to help them blend in. I don't know why...they don't tell me that. But something went wrong, these men showed up today and just opened fire. Killing them and us too, and going room to room to take out our regular patients too. But the aliens have been fighting back." "Those of us on staff who survived have been hiding out in the basement, but I went with one of the doctors to try and get the generator on. They shot him and I ran, and that one had just grabbed me when you showed up. Oh, you can't do anything like that again though, you could've been killed!" Tabitha's head was spinning trying to process all this, when they heard the radio on one of the dead men's belt crackle to life. "The Reps have broken the perimeter, they're taking up position in the town. I need you all to pull out. Calling in the gassers, we need to purge the whole place--aliens, residents, everything. The President will blame it on a chemical spill. ETA 20 minutes, get out of there!" Tabitha and her mom stared at each other a moment as that sunk in, then her mom was grabbing a gun from one of the fallen soldiers. "Get their gas masks!" she told her. Tabitha numbly moved to comply. "Sasha and Jakey will be at the house by now, we need to get them in the car and go!" "But where will we go?" "We are moving the fuck back to Canada, right now."

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

26 days ago
Story B: Dig Dug Tiana pulled Grant's hand as she charged down the crosswalk toward the arcade. Grant's gangly white body was limp dead weight as he looked up at the flaming orange sky. "Grant, come on! You were the one who wanted to go to the arcade!" Tiana fussed. "Why da cwouds wook dat way Tiana?" "I don't know, Grant." Tiana sighed. She had befriended Grant in second grade before she really had any idea what was different about him, and while he had become a rather significant hindrance to her personal life, she never brought herself to cut ties with him. The two of them made their way into the interior of the arcade. There was a football game that particular Friday, so the typical Friday night crowd was nowhere in sight. Grant started jumping up and down as soon as they got in the building. "Dig Dug! Dig Dug! Dig Dug!" Tiana held his hand tighter and pulled him toward her so he wouldn't run off. "Just a second Grant. We've got to pay first." The owner, a portly man with a nicotine stained beard, shuffled out of his padded seat behind the counter, putting down a huge book he had been focused on. "Tiana! Grant! I was wondering if I would see you here today." "Mista Wiwiams!" Grant said, just a little too loud for the comfort of those standing nearby. Tiana fished a ten dollar bill from her pocket and handed it over. "I'm not playing today. It's just Grant." Mr. Williams grinned and pushed the bill back to her. "I already told you, Grant can come here and play anytime he wants. You two are my favorite customers." Tiana, despite a growing heaviness in her heart, smiled. She nodded at Mr. Williams and let go of Grant's hand. He bounded like a rabbit over to the Dig Dug machine, and was quickly engrossed, becoming still and quiet. Tiana walked over and watched him for a while, only mildly amused by the caricatures battling underground on the screen. Eventually, she was drawn away from the screen by an odd sound. Something like a lemon being crushed by a juicer. She turned around and began walking through the rows of machines, the tinny themes and garish flashing lights suddenly more menacing than endearing. From the edge of the gloom, a familiar figure with a blonde waterfall braid emerged. Tiana felt a rush of relief upon seeing Charlotte here. She began to smile. She began to ask her whether she knew what had made the noise, but Charlotte got her question out first. "Oh, are you here with your boyfriend?" She asked with a smirk. Tiana was shocked at the unexpected question and was, for an instant without response. Charlotte continued. "I'm pretty sure that's rape, y'know. It's like fucking a child." "Look Charlotte, he's not a child and we're not fucking." "Funny that the one came before the other. I don't really get the appeal. Did all the other white men reject you and you had to go looking through the retards?" Tiana saw red and lunged at Charlotte. Charlotte stepped into the grapple and grabbed a fistful of Tiana's Ghana braids. She gave a violent jerk and Tiana cried out in pain. Tiana heard frantic footfalls behind the pair and Grant's cries. "No fighting! Stop fighting, pwease!" Suddenly, with a small click, the arcade was engulfed in a thick darkness. The two girls slowly disentangled their limbs and looked around. Grant tapped Tiana's shoulder insistently. "What!?" She finally asked, utterly exasperated. "Why's evwyting dark? It's not stowming." "I wish I knew, Grant." Charlotte moved to the shaft of swiftly dimming daylight at the front door and peered out on the lazy Appalachian town. "Looks like the power's out to the whole town." The muffled scrape of a boot being dragged across broadloom carpet snapped Tiana to alertness. Her mind ran through the four words her father had drilled into her psyche: observe, orient, decide, act. Instantly, she ran and put herself between Grant and the sound. Grant made a guttural noise, then shouted right into Tiana's ear. "Mista Wiwiams! Something's wong with Mista Wiwiams!" Tiana wondered for a moment how Grant could see anything in the dark, then slowly, Mr. Williams shuffled his way into the shaft of dying twilight. His head was thrown back at such an angle that Tiana had to conclude that his neck was broken. His throat was ripped open in a wide ragged wound that leaked viscous blood. A reek of sulphur and rot filled the air as he approached. Gripped in a white-knuckled fist was a blood encrusted Buck knife. Protruding grotesquely from his ruined throat was what looked like the face of an oily, black baby. He shambled forward and swung out his arms toward the trio gurgling as a trail of blood and saliva trailed from his two mouths. Charlotte screamed. Tiana yelled, "Grant, run!" as she bolted past Mr. Williams into the darkness of the arcade, slapping his back hard as she passed him. She looked over her shoulder to see Mr. Williams thundering toward her in a shuddering, laborious sprint. With a painful smash, she slammed full force into one of the arcade machines. She stumbled backward and fell down, stunned. As she came to her senses, she heard the ripping of clothing behind her along with heavy breathing. Tiana whirled around in terror, seeing the silhouette of Mr. Williams dragging the knife across his stomach. Though she could not see the details of what he was doing, she knew she did not want to be here when he carried out whatever the intentions of the creature that used to be Mr. Williams had for her. Tiana began to scramble to her feet, but her head swam and a wave of nausea overwhelmed her. Though she fought to lift her aching body, she slowly slumped down into the floor again. Tiana felt a wave of gout breath coming from what should have been Mr. William's stomach. She raised her arms up over her head and watched carefully, hoping some movement of the head or shoulders would warn her just in time of the attack to come. With a shrill scream, a gangly silhouette who could only be Grant launched himself from on top of one of the machines. Tiana screamed in horror as he gripped Mr. William's face, gouging and digging while the former man's three mouths bellowed out in pain in three discordant tones. Grant's strikes were erratic, and before long, Mr. Williams was able to grip Grant by the hair and fling him onto the ground. Observe Tiana's father's words echoed in her head as she saw the monster turn to attack Grant before he could get up. She climbed to her feet, ignoring the pounding ache in her temple. Orient Tiana stumbled over to the back of the monster, putting it between Grant and herself. Decide The gleam of the Buck knife flashed in the pale light filtering in through the parallel forest of arcade cabinets. Act There was no time to hesitate as the monster grabbed Grant by the shirt and began lifting his screaming, flailing form with one hand. Tiana rushed toward his back and gripped his knife hand with both of hers, slamming it with as much force as she could muster into the hard edge of the nearest game cabinet. The knife tumbled out of his hand and without thinking, Tiana's hand shot out, catching it by the blade. She flipped it around into saber grip, and as soon as Mr. Willams turned his face toward her, she lurched out and jammed the blade viciously between the baby in his throat's eyes. Hot, wet gas burst out of the thing as the monster who was once Mr. Williams lurched this way and that at random. He screamed out, at times in dissonance and sporadically in a beautiful and haunting harmony, until he fell to the ground with a heavy crash. Tiana scrambled over to where Grant had fallen when the monster released him in its death spasms. Grant was breathing heavily and whimpering. As Tiana approached, Grant threw his arms around her, squeezing her in a crushing hug that she more than happily returned. As Tiana was comforting Grant, Charlotte's voice called out from near the entrance. "That was all kinds of fucked up. Come here though, I think I know what caused it." The two of them reluctantly separated. The two of them carefully stepped around Mr. Williams' body and made their way toward Charlotte's voice. As they passed, Tiana hesitated and withdrew the knife from the horrid face in Mr. Williams' throat with a shudder, wiped the dark residue onto her shirt, folded the knife and slid it into her pocket. "I was hiding behind the counter and I found this book Mr. Williams was reading." Charlotte lifted a book in the air that was covered in a pattern like snakeskin. "Why do you think that book was the thing that caused it," Tiana asked as she and Grant reached her. Now that she was close enough, Tiana could see that there was no title anywhere on the book and that a ribbon marker had been left near the middle of the book. Charlotte scoffed. "Are you retarded or something?" She glanced at Grant. "Whoops. What I mean is that all this happens and he's reading a creepy snake book? This is obviously a clue." She slid her finger between the thick, yellowed pages of the book and flipped it open to the page Mr. Williams was apparently on when his transformation happened. Tiana glimpsed an intricate diagram of stars, gods, demons, and people. It seemed to her like something shifted in her soul, and she disliked what she felt. She didn't quite understand the diagram, but she felt as if she could if she pushed herself just a bit further. Charlotte was drooling and staring at the book in rapture, and the sight of that shocked Tiana out of her contemplation. "Charlotte, are you sure this--" Tiana was cut off as Grant grabbed her by the shoulders and threw her backward to the ground. The sudden movement caused a wave of nausea to roll in her stomach and she nearly puked. She gritted her teeth and closed her eyes against the swimming in her head, finally swallowing down her rising bile. Beautiful and harmonious screaming echoed in her ears and forced her to awareness. As she opened her eyes, he saw Charlotte locked in a savage grapple with Grant. The black and oily face of a baby protruded from the side of her neck, and it occurred to Tiana that Charlotte had never looked so beautiful up to this moment. Charlotte leaned in and bit Grant on the shoulder, drawing blood. Grant screamed. Tiana jumped to her feet once again, flicked open the Buck knife and jammed the point once again deep into the face of the baby in Charlotte's neck. As she whirled about, screaming in the secret chords of the far off lands of Hyth Bo'orkki, Grant picked the book up off the ground and began staring at the diagram. Tiana screamed. "Grant! I can't lose you too!" Grant looked up at Tiana with a seriousness in his eyes. "Dis is a bad book. I tewws me to do weawy bad things." Tiana watched his neck with a terrified anticipation. Grant smiled. "Don't wowwy Tiana. Da wights aw coming on." As he spoke, they did. The subtle hum of machinery and the busy cacophony of tinny soundtracks filled the air as the bold, colorful screens illuminated the aftermath of violence and carnage. Tiana slumped to her knees and held her face in her hands as she sobbed. Grant, putting the book down, knelt beside her, clutching her to his chest. "I wove you Tiana." "Thanks Grant. I can always count on you."

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

26 days ago
Handy post to attach your vote to which I forgot last time! Which T-named protagonist girl is the best?! Decide here!

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

26 days ago
I'll come back and do a proper review later. Probably. I like Story B best.
(No one reply so I can just edit this post)

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

26 days ago
I really appreciate how Petros tapped into his inner teenage mean girl for this one, bet you guys can't guess which is which.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

26 days ago
I usually dislike the horror genre, but the retard was fun.

I vote story B

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

26 days ago
Good entries from both of you. My vote will go to Story B, which I think is Petros'.

Story A has a fun, if somewhat abrupt premise. Character building is decent, although there were a couple of incorrect word choices and the mother's description of how she wound up on the 4th floor doesn't make sense. The lack a rationale for the soldiers in their massacre, and why the aliens didn't break loose earlier, since they apparently could at any time, is a little frustrating. On the plus side the story ends on a solid joke that got at least a chuckle out of me.

Story B is very solid and does an excellent job of forming the characters with surprisingly few words and well described action. Grant's speaking presentation is obnoxious, but understandable and distinct. The mystery of the story is still strange and unexplained, but shows enough clues to let the reader feel like they know what is going on. The secondary threat was a pleasant surprise as well as Grant's innocence and lack of mental acuity acting as a shield was nice.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

25 days ago

     I'll vote story and might come back to give my reasons earlier. Also, a critique for story B, you said the two of them in two consecutive sentences so it was a bit awkward.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

24 days ago
This is certainly an interesting prompt. Naturally, a power outage needing to be involved forces the authors to write about a story in the modern age. That being said, I was secretly hoping one of the authors would try going the futuristic route. Nonetheless, both these stories were very fun to read.

Story A had a typo (you aunt -> your aunt) at one of the first dialogue sections. This is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but you should really try to ensure that your opening paragraphs are the best they can possibly be. This includes being extremely rigorous when checking for SPAG. The rest of the story was quite delightful. A slow burn with a reveal that re-contextualizes why the mother might have been so stressed out. Very cool. The pacing in this one was really good. The exposition at the end was a little rushed though. You could have tried commenting on how Tabitha had been to the hospital before and found her mother's patients a little weird. It would have set up some foreshadowing that they were actually aliens. Eh, whatever, the fact that you made the aliens the good guys was very creative and that deserves some bonus points in my opinion.

Story B was far more dialogue heavy and written well. My one big issue with it was the character of Charlotte. Tiana seemed happy to see her, but she really just seemed to be an ass to me. I first wrote it off as her character changing across edits with the first line being a relic of her original characterization, but after her transformation, Tiana remarks that she thought she was beautiful. I can't tell if it's the demon book screwing with her mind or if she always had a crush on Charlotte. That relationship just felt confusing and it sort of prevented me from being able to properly enjoy this story. I also think that the book's effects on Mr. Williams could've been foreshadowed better too. Maybe the normally cheerful Mr. Williams could've been testy and irritable when Tiana and Grant first arrived. It would've made his reveal as a monster more powerful too.

Though both the stories had several good things going for them, I ultimately believe I would have a harder time trying to improve on Story A than Story B. Therefore, I shall vote for Story A.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

24 days ago

I actually read these.

Story A: Sucked

Story B: Sucked less

 

My vote is for STORY B.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

24 days ago

Tiana and Grant ftw

I vote for Story B.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

24 days ago
Story A gets my vote. The reveal did feel too abrupt, but it was imaginative and I loved the scene setting / character building until that point. Also liked that the aliens were not the antagonists. Story B was OK, the monsters were great, but 'the arcade owner was reading a cursed book' explanation didn't really do it for me, and as others have said, the relationship between Tiana and Charlotte was confusing and not in a good way.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

23 days ago
I'll vote for story B

I just wanted to congratulate both authors for submitting entries to the thunderdome. Writing short stories on a time limit like this is never easy, and I think both authors definitely worked hard and submitted interesting stories to the Thunderdome.

Story A:

But with that being said, there were a couple of issues with Story A that somewhat marred my enjoyment. I feel kinda bad for this, so just as a disclaimer, you're definitely a better author than me, and I could be wrong about any one of these things, so don't take it as gospel. It's certainly possible that I could be wrong, so don't be discouraged!

Pacing: I felt that this story should have started in the midst of the invasion; We would have gotten a stronger hook to the story, and a more compelling series of events, since we could actually see more of the aliens fighting the military men, and the military people would be a much more frightening and terrifying threat. Start the story off directly with the lights going out, and show us the aftermath. The threat will be much more immediate and direct, since we don't find out why the military is here until the mom tells us in dialogue.

I feel like the author needs to utilize better word economy since a huge portion of the story was devoted to exploring the mom and daughter's relationship, and while this could be important, I feel like there are better ways to fold it in while keeping the story moving. The stakes aren't set up in this scene either, so it feels like the first part is a bit disconnected from the 2nd in terms of tone. To be fair, though, I do like the original idea, I just feel like the delivery could be better.

Telling vs showing:

This story has an issue of over-reliance on telling vs showing, causing the delivery to feel flat. The mom says all this in dialogue, When you could have shown this to us instead:

""Oh honey, I hardly even know where to start." Her mom's voice was strained and there were circles under her eyes. "The hospital has been researching these...these aliens, and we were contracted by the military to start surgically altering some of them to look more human, to help them blend in. I don't know why...they don't tell me that. But something went wrong, these men showed up today and just opened fire. Killing them and us too, and going room to room to take out our regular patients too. But the aliens have been fighting back."

Like sure, we did get a pretty good fight scene with the soldier, but I feel like more would have been better. It was a taste, before the story went back to dialogue-exposition, and as a result, the tension that should be there is diluted

I would say the most disappointing part of the story may have been the ending because we find out all this stuff in a few lines, and then it's over. Sure, the ending line "We are moving the fuck back to Canada, right now." was funny, but I would have liked to have spent more time in the hospital. I also would have liked to have seen the aliens interact with the hospital staff and they work together to fight back against the military.

There were also a few sentence fragments that disrupted story flow.

I feel like this story could have been so much better, but it wasn't bad at any means, and the concept has tremendous potential! I just feel like too much was thrown at us through the mom's clunky dialogue, and then there wasn't an adequate payoff, as the story ends right after.

Story B:

I found story B to be the more compelling and engaging entry. I feel like the intro was a lot funnier, the dialogue felt natural, and the pacing was seamless, compared to the first story. I also felt like the descriptions for the humans turned into monsters were a lot more detailed and creative: "Protruding grotesquely from his ruined throat was what looked like the face of an oily, black baby.", "a reek of sulphur and rot".

This story had higher stakes and established suspense and tension quite well. As a horror story, it really works, and I found it to be quite good.

Anyways, this was an interesting prompt, and both contestants submitted interesting stories, but I do feel that story A could be revised and structured differently. But once author A edits it a bit, I'm sure it would be quite a terrific story!

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

19 days ago

My vote is for story B

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

23 days ago
Can newbies vote?

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

23 days ago

Of course! Although we're not usually as good with rating quality :P

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

23 days ago
Thank you, NoxI, your vote has been counted.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

19 days ago
Of course, I'd really encourage you to honestly, it's a good way to participate and maybe pick up some comms for feedback with minimal effort. Plus of course the authors really appreciate it.

Forum activity seems a little slow this week, people may be distracted with IRL things (I know I sure fucking was) so I'll leave this up a few more days.



Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

19 days ago

     I've been posting less because I was posting too much. I thought I'd post about the amount other's seemed to be which wasn't often. Is there usually often more posting?

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

19 days ago
Activity goes up and down, most sites users have school and work and other real life concerns that have to take priority sometimes.

I was violently ill the last few days so now I've got a lot of catching up to do the rest of the week for instance, and I always have family from out of state visit near the end of October, plus I'm starting a new job, so things are kind of hectic over here, fall is a busy time for lots of people though.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

19 days ago

I'm a tad late, but better late than never. Suffice it to say that both of these were not that good; however, B was of slightly better quality than A. As such, I'm voting for story B

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

17 days ago
Story A:

Specific notes:
- Is MOM capitalized like that on purpose?
- Mom announcing another late night is a bit repetitive. She can just read the display and sigh, and then explain why in the next line.
- Not the most gripping beginning but I’ve seen a lot worse. Solid B /B+.
- I’ve been confused about who’s speaking to whom and what all the different names are a few times. Implications of the dialogue sometimes take a minute to work out. I like what you’re doing with showing rather than telling and letting the reader pick up on the cues, but I think it needs to be just a little clearer.
- The sentence flow is overall decent, but there’s a number of places where the focus changes unexpectedly and it’s slightly jarring. Reading carefully (possibly out loud) with an eye on flow could fix this.
- Good work building up the characters’ routine & relationship quickly.
- I like the descriptive detail of rudolph attending the birth of christ.
- You jump a bit between distant and close 3rd person narration. It’s strongest when you’re using close, like when Tabby is watching the helicopters. It comes across well as us seeing through her eyes without the need for distracting framing clauses.
- I like using the christmas lights to signal the power outage. Good working with the prompt.
- You repeat unnecessary details occasionally: we can tell it’s less than a minute later, and we remember that the hospital is where Tabby’s Mom is.
- It was a bit odd to jump from weird lights in the sky to “the rest of the ride there”. I wanted to see Tabby’s reaction to all this weird stuff. The attempt to call the Mom is good, resecuring her helmet is a good detail.
- As a whole: You have a number of really good descriptive details that you use to set the mood, and they’re undercut by your use of general blunt descriptors. The sliding doors that won’t open & musing about the fate of the patients is great; labeling the hospital as “eerily dark” feels too blunt.
- “In the dark she nearly tripped on the first body.” This is a pretty good delivery of the surprise. A lot of times people make the mistake of using a word like “suddenly” that cues the reader into the fact that a surprise is coming; but here you preface it with a scene descriptor that’s forboding, but not a spoiler, preserving the impact of the next line. And paired with the paragraph before it, we get the impression Tabby has been jarred out of her thoughts. Kudos.
- Hah I like the thermos being used here. Also the guy falling into the elevator shaft feels just like a scene out of a movie.
- Solidly adequate fight scene. B/B+. You’re doing a lot right. I recommend focusing less on the exact choreography of the bag hitting exactly where; this scene is important for its emotional grippyness & plot impact; not its technical accuracy.
- Lol, “I, uh, brought your shake.”
- Aliens woo! Assumed as much from the lights.
- Well the ending’s a bit rushed, but this is a decent spot to wrap it up actually.

So this is good. The language isn’t the most polished, but this story is doing a lot of cool things very well:
- The plot is well-chosen & exciting.
- Visually & descriptively interesting. The setpieces you use feel like a movie scene, and you generally pick interesting details to characterize them.
- You open with a scene that characterizes the relationship that will define the stakes of the story (Tabby & Mom’s relationship) while also giving her a mission that gets her involved in the plot (deliver the thermos). Good stuff.

What would take this to the next level:
- Polishing up the language. I’ve talked about this already. Careful attention to scentence flow would really bring this to its fullest potential.
- I would say ‘more focus on character’ but I think your focus on character was actually pretty good, and it only feels distant because of the language issues. The Mom & kid aren’t jaw-droppingly interesting or notable, but that’s appropriate for a story this short. Bringing out a few more details or idiosyncracies would go a long way. The Mom’s workaholism and weird thermos concoction were good examples of details like this; tightening up the sentence structure would probably make the good start you already have come out even more.


STORY B:

Specific notes:
- Excellent characterization in just the opening line—Tiana running somewhere with a purpose, while Grant is lagging behind distracted by the sky.
- Arghhh I hate having to read written-out accents and stutters. I suppose this is plot-important at least. The summary of Tiana & Grant’s history doesn’t distract and quickly communicates all the information needed.
- I’m pretty sure “she never brought herself” should be “she could never bring herself” but who knows.
- Again the description of the arcade owner very efficiently characterizes him.
- Hm, the shift to menacing in the arcade lights doesn’t really work without an immediate follow up, or a clear sense of why Tiana is seeing it that way.
- Solid dialogue.
- Oh I assume this must be an ongoing sore spot if Tiana is jumping straight to attack here? Feels a bit like overkill. But we’ve already established her as directed personality & trying to supress her mood, so I can get by it. And it provides a nice conflict as the power outage starts anyways.
- I also like setting this outage in the arcade—much like the christmas lights in the last story, it’s a great contrast. And I like the descriptor “thick darkness”.
- I like the 4 words from Tiana’s father. Characterizes them both, and raises interesting questions. I also like the description of how Tiana behaves under pressure, good characterization.
- Woo, zombies! Or… whatever the fuck that is.
- The fight scene in this story succeeds where the one in the last story almost succeeded. The emphasis is on sensation and impact instead of exact choreography. The reader’s brain fills in the details, and the important information gets across.
- “Carried out whatever the intentions…” this is the first clunky sentence I’ve seen in the story. It only stands out because the rest is so smooth. “The monster who was once mr williams” is a good descriptor, but it’s long, so it works best standing alone. Repeating it as a label is a bit distracting.
- I like the detail of Williams screaming in 3 different pitches.
- Oh hell yeah our 4 words are back. That was good 2-minute forshadowing, and it’s a great way to pace out the fight scene.
- Lol Charlotte was just standing there.
- “It seemed to her like something shifted in her soul, and she disliked what she felt... ” I see what you’re going for here, but I think you can do better. Words like “seemed” and “like” and “felt as if” distance the reader from what should be a more intense moment. But it still works.
- I like “beautiful and harmonious screaming”
- Having Tiana describe this with a reference to “Hyth Bo’orkki” is an effective way of showing that the book has affected her too.
- I like the lights coming back on and illuminating the carnage.

So this is excellent; off the top of my head it might be my favorite thing I've read in a thunderdome (though I admittedly have not been the most consistent thunderdome reader). It’s firing on pretty much all cylinders. Kudos.
I really like the efficiency of information delivery in this story. The characterization, , and summaries are all quick and effective. The reader doesn’t have to stop and pick up background information—it’s smoothly slotted into the experience.
The sentence structure wasn't perfect or anything, but I don't have anything consistent to gripe about. It was overally pretty solid. There were some hiccups here and there.
The characterization is also a strength. In the first part of the story, we get a very clear sense of Tiana’s personality, and this only becomes clearer and more interesting as the story progresses. I was invested in the chief relationship too—both principle characters were interesting and likeable and I would read more about them.
The action was well written, and the mystery of the book is interesting too. I want to find out what happens next. If this was a book, I would be reading the next chapter.

SUMMARY: Story A shows a lot of potential, but Story B delivered. Story B wins my vote. They were both great entries though—I can think of several past thunderdomes Story A would have won.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

14 days ago

Since lots of other reviewers have already given in-depth feedback, I'll keep this one brief.

Story A

SPAG: this one had quite a few grammatical errors. There was a misplaced comma: 'Though the hospital itself was kind of an oddity she knew, they did some kind of research and sometimes treated special, anonymous patients'. ' A typo: 'Several smaller likes [lights?] zipped through the sky above it, which from the dim outline and sound even from this distance she recognized as helicopters.' At some places, commas would improve the flow, e.g. 'She reflected that between the scatter brained, nervous energy and her diet[,] her mom might as well be a very buff rabbit. I believe there should also be a comma between 'Sure Mum' and maybe after Tabby in 'Hey Tabby honey, you done with practice?' I would refrain from making this review a compilation of SPAG errors, but the key takeaway is that another round of proofreading is needed.

Writing: my main advice would be to think about pacing and building suspense. Take this paragraph for example - 'The first strings of lights were already up, and she had paused at a stop sign to observe Rudolph attending the birth of Christ when she noticed something in the sky up ahead, a powerful white light. Pedaling forward to get a quicker view in a gap between some buildings and trees, Tabitha saw the light, like a spotlight, centered on the hospital on the hill up ahead to her left. Several smaller likes zipped through the sky above it, which from the dim outline and sound even from this distance she recognized as helicopters. "What on Earth...'

In the earlier scenes, the lengthy descriptions were helpful for building a sense of monotony, showing how familiar the protagonist was with the cycle of her mum coming back late and forgetting important things. But here, the pacing should be sped up a bit. Use shorter sentences and a greater focus on putting the reader in the character's shoes.

Next, choose verbs with intention. Although she 'noticed' the powerful white light, she only 'saw' it later centered on a hospital. This is not only repetitive, but words like 'noticed, 'saw' and 'recognized' distance us from the protagonist. Eliminate them to make your writing stronger.

Another piece of advice would be to avoid repeating words, e.g. 'light’ and ‘spotlight’. In a similar vein, every piece of description matters so it's best to avoid unnecessary details where they may distract from the main purpose of the scene. For instance, does it matter that the hill is to her left, or does that detract from Tabby's feelings of confusion and worry?

Here is an example of how you could rewrite it:  

The first strings of lights were already up. Tabitha had paused to take in the sight of Rudolph attending the birth of Christ, when her attention was drawn to the skies. A powerful white light shone overhead. What could this mean? She pedalled forward to get a closer view in a gap between some buildings and trees. The spotlight shone on a hill, centering on a hospital---her mother's hospital. "What on Earth... 

Smaller lights zipped through the sky. Their dim outlines and whirring sounds revealed them to be helicopters. 

(Personally, I would restructure this to mention the helicopters in the next paragraph so the previous one can focus on the stakes - mainly, concern for her mother. Readers don't know why the helicopters are so out of place yet in this paragraph, so the protagonist's shocked reaction upon realizing there are helicopters seems more odd than that reaction being used for the bright light). 

Similarly, when a death is shown, it should be impactful. The protagonist finds several people dead. Her only reaction is to feel sick to her stomach and struggle not to vomit? And we're told she trips over the first body, doesn't this disturb her in the slightest?

I did focus more on the 'improvement' aspect in this review, but there were some bits I liked, such as the sensory details to make the ride seem eerie and surreal (though I agree with Gryphon that both showing and telling us this was redundant). It was nice how the stakes were slowly and naturally built up, as the protagonist heard gunshots and thought about what would happen to the patients. Also, eerie/ eerily seems to be your crutch word, lol.

Characters & plot: the relationship between the protagonist and her mum was characterized well, but it appeared to be building up to something that wasn't quite realized. For instance, this dichotomy between them could create a very interesting narrative, where the protagonist worries about her mum and wants to protect her, while simultaneously being a bit annoyed by how her mum keeps getting herself into situations expecting Tabitha to solve her problems (which is a fun dynamic I would implement if I ever get around to finishing WaBS). 

As for the story itself, the protagonist seemed a bit too passive. She pretty much just went to the hospital, saw her mum fight a man, watched some aliens show up, and get told they're moving back to Canada. That leaves the question: why exactly is she the main character when she barely impacts the plot (especially the climax)? Would the story be more interesting if it were written from the pov of her mum instead? Right now, this reads like the first scene of a much larger piece, rather than a complete story in and of itself.

Story B

SPAG: I’ll be honest, I have no idea what Grant is saying. I was going to put this in the ‘writing’ category but I’ll leave it here in spag since whatever this sentence is doing has impacted readability. But aside from that, this story is better as far as proofreading goes. Just a note - no need to capitalize the dialogue tag after a question. 

Writing: there is a strong reliance on adjectives for descriptions. Take this sentence, for instance: ‘The owner, a portly man with a nicotine stained beard, shuffled out of his padded seat behind the counter, putting down a huge book he had been focused on.’ Almost every noun is modified by an adjective. Of these, I would say the padded seat and huge book are the least important. You could use a strong verb to show the latter, eg his book slamming against the counter with a thud.

‘She began to smile. She began to ask her whether she knew what had made the noise, but Charlotte got her question out first.’ - How does one begin to smile and begin to ask a question at the same time? 

Writing-wise, this story did a pretty good job at creating a creepy, unsettling atmosphere and balancing this with an active protagonist fighting back. Sensory descriptions, grotesque details and internal narration all worked together so the reader could experience the scene in the protagonist’s shoes. But I wonder what sorts of screams you’ve heard to think they’re beautiful and harmonious, and to use this exact description twice. 

Plot & characters: why would Tiana be relieved upon seeing Charlotte if the latter would just insult her? Aside from that plot hole, the story proceeded well, with the stakes being Tiana’s eagerness to protect Grant despite him being a hindrance to her. Interesting how both stories had the protagonist wanting to protect someone who mildly annoyed them at the start. The characters were consistent enough and the scope of the story fit well for the limited word count.

Vote

Oops, did I say this would be brief? I suppose some could say the textwall for the second story was shorter than normal. Anyway, I’m voting for Story B.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

14 days ago

No offense meant, but you call that brief?

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

14 days ago

It was supposed to be brief, but that didn't quite work out haha.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

14 days ago
For Mystic that's brief.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

10 days ago
Well a quick cursory glance of the thread has shown that a lot of folk have given a lot of feedback. Wouldn't know if it was any good feedback, because then I'd have to read even more stuff, but this ain't that. This'll be a rant. Pure and simple. Just a stream of consciousness about what I like and what I don't, writing it as I'm reading the pieces.

Alright as usual let's start with what I'll be looking for for the prompt. Power outage of an isolated town into strange events sounds like the stereotypical start of a low budget American indie horror. Now here's the tricky part: written horror more often than not sucks. One of my least favorite written genres, right next to warrior cats. Like a slasher is one of the few stories where I'd rather just see the movie and laugh at the shitty gory effects than read the weak produce of an imagination from someone who's never seen the inside of a body before.

So in what manner would a written horror outshine the movie adaptation? Well, psychological horror would be your golden goose. But I also recall a previous thunderdome where both entrants failed at building up the suspense in a horror themed prompt, something that's harder but, if successful, even more rewarding on a page than a screen. Yeah no suspense means no payoff. Basically wine and dine the reader before you get to writing the part where people are getting fucked.

-------

With that out of the way, let's start with story A:

What can I say. It starts strong. Imagine being born with the stupidly horrific name of Tabitha. How the fuck would you even pronounce that without giving a subpar Mike Tyson impression. Yeah, she's definitely picking up the butcher knife later on in this story. She's got thirteen reasons for it and her name is definitely one of them. I'm giving props to the writer of even being capable of writing this entire story with a straight face, given that Tabitha is your protagonist. Now I'm sure I missed all the buildup and wining and dining, but I was too busy laughing every time her name came up. I guess it works out because I'll just assume it was good and move on.

Tabitha is on her bike now and that mental image of just the cars' beams making straight streaks of lights through an otherwise dark town is a powerful one, especially with the ominous sound of helicopters filling the background, their searchlights lighting up the cold exterior of the hospital she's heading towards. It's cinematic. I can practically see the shot with light and darkness in stark contrast.

On a quick added note, I'd remove the green blips entirely from this image. Too blurry. Too much information befuddling the shot you've build up. The more things you put on the proverbial screen, the less the individual pieces stick out. So build and expand upon it instead of adding more and more things.

It's too bad though, that the writer doesn't hammer this image home. Instead of a pause in the writing, letting this image breathe, sink in and form the basis of further suspense, it quickly gets bogged down in that the town usually only has a single helicopter to carry patients to a bigger town and that she is vague on the details of the anonymous patients. I guess this is where I have to sprout the inane showing vs telling critique, an almost dogmatic advice I'm usually not a fan of. Still when you pick this part here, see where the showing part greatly outshines the telling part? Yeah, I thought so too. That is why I included it here.

In the following paragraphs we follow Tabitha (lol) finding dead bodies of people she'd presumably know by heart in this small town. It is here I have another irk. Whereas suddenly seeing freshly murdered bodies would almost be the climax of a story for any normal person, here it's done away with the reluctant 'felt sick to her stomach and struggled not to vomit'. That's the only mention of any shock or emotional turmoil. Almost as if it was a quick obligatory mark off the checklist rather than part of an actual character.

The writing there feels passive, detached if you're cynical, observant if you're willing to give the writer some credit. Either way, it's lacking any pathos to pull you in to that moment. Tabitha feels less a person than a plot piece carrying you onto the next scene. She doesn't truly react, or do anything. She doesn't cry out or shoot forwards as her mother single handedly manhandles a soldier. She successfully brought the plot towards this scene and faded into the background.

Another action scene later where our protagonist once again did nothing but shined the spotlight on another plot piece and we have the obligatory character telling us the all secrets, banishing all mystery that'd leave any room to further ruminate on the piece. God forbid if not absolutely everything gets prechewed and served to the reader on a platter.

All in all a pretty good buildup followed by a very subpar conclusion.

Writing: 3/5
Prompt: 4/5
Enter's whim -3
Total 4/10

----

I'm guessing Petros wrote story B. Grant is definitely a retarded nigga with the way he's speaking. Horror rules state he's dying first. On a different note, it's pretty funny Tiana managed to befriend an imbecile who can't even talk properly without noticing the permanent stream of drool dripping down his left mouthcorner. That says something about her as well.

Oh. Grant's white. This is Wildblue then. The following meangirl drama could suit either to be fair. But let's talk about the actual writing now. It's fast, but in a good way, flowing well and snappy. Though I laughed at Tiana suddenly being some cool ranger type with the observe, orient, decide, act thing, without any previous showing she actually followed that mantra. Clearly she had already failed the first step of observe when first befriending Grant without knowing what was wrong with the guy.

Then it all turned to shit. Well, the gory scenes are distasteful enough for the genre but it went from 0 to 100 real quick. You've shown the creature too soon and made the danger clear and present. I did like how you wrote the action scene and included the mantra in how she'd overcome the danger. Still, by making the monster this easy to 'handle' you cheapened the horror aspect. Yeah it's disgusting, but is it scary if a teen girl can simply stick a knife into it and walk on as if nothing happened? This effectively places your 'monster' below even an unwanted pregnancy in actual horror scales, because then she'd actually have to wait 9 months rather than these mere minutes.

That feeling, of lowered stakes, persisted throughout the next scenes, where the girls read the big and evil book. I think you could've dug deeper into the corruption here. Instead of Charlotte turning (who I didn't like as a character anyway) it should've been Tiara and hammered home on the body horror aspect. Would've done a lot to put the danger back in the story anyway. Like yeah you handled the monster easily, but can you handle the book? Perhaps that was true danger after all. Now it's just relegated to a sad sack of paper ready to be munched on by some retard.

In any case the writing in this piece is better than the previous entry and here the protagonist actually acts, having more depth both to her observations, reactions and how she handles the scene.

Writing 4/5
Prompt 3/5
Enter's Whim -1
Total 6/10

B won. Congrats.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

10 days ago
I forgot this thread existed tbh.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

10 days ago
Me too, poor petros and wildblue

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

5 days ago
Bumping in case anybody else wanted to vote but forgot this thread existed. :]

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

2 days ago
Sheesh you guys need me to do everything around here, huh.

Petros wins with Story B.

Wildblue, your pacing sucks, and you did not have a funny retard hero.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

10 hours ago
Commended by Mizal on 11/10/2025 4:06:59 PM
Wow, thank all of you for your very correct and wise votes.

Honestly, this was one of the few things I have written and genuinely enjoyed reading back. While I definitely could have used another read through or a few hundred more words, I do feel like this was about the best I could hope to do with a THUNDERDOME prompt. Now, that's not to say I even remotely pleased ever. Enterpride is definitely one who would probably not find this story to his taste do to theme and plot no matter how much I polished it. That is okay.

Now, I did still make a good handful of mistakes still. There were some repeated phrases like Avo mentioned. I also could have varied my descriptions like Mystic said. There certainly are more. Spelling out Grant's speech phonetically was an artistic choice that I would not change if asked.

Now, before I cut a good bit of content to make the wordcount, I did have a few phrases that may have clarified that Tiana was glad to see anyone because she was beginning to be creeped out. It was odd to me that a few people thought they were romantically involved in any way. I tried to convey that the book was corrupting Tiana and she was struck by the beauty of the monster that Charlotte had become. It is very possible that it was not made as clear as it should have been.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

10 hours ago
What do you mean 'probably'? I actually wrote a review, you know! Gave it a passing grade as well

Imo it was clear the beauty was due to the book's influence btw, definitely a skill issue on the other readers' behalf

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

8 hours ago
The pacing did suck. I wrote the first and second half in two different sessions, and had too much noise and distraction the second time and then never any time to fix it.

This isn't the kind of thing I usually write but it was fun, thanks Petros and Mizal for making this possible and thanks to everyone who voted.

There was a lot I came up with that didn't make it into the story, I might do more with those ideas later.

Thunderdome 26: Petros vs Wildblue

6 hours ago
I hope you've learned to include the funny retard hero in all your stories.