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I have been to the doctor. They have given me a number to call if things get worse, but they seem to be calming down now. One thing I noticed was my voice seemed to be stuck on 1.5x speed, so I think the after-effects are still lingering, even now. It was a good idea to go and get that number, just in case. Thank you so much to everyone who insisted that I do so.

I suspect the reason for my mental state was I was suddenly having very, very, very many different thoughts about extremely diverse things all at once. I actually found it difficult to do anything more than sit quietly for many hours at a time, literally just thinking. This is what contributed to my time distortion, because I didn't realise I had been sitting in one spot motionless for like half a day. And I was starting to notice some very, very spooky things about the whole "forum adventure" relating to my story which I still think are very, very spooky. Perhaps some people are starting to piece things together, but it should be clear to everyone soon what my thoughts on the matter are. I think it will make pretty much every important detail clear, including my reasons for doing all the things that I did.

I have been thinking, and I think I will most likely not leave this site. Certainly, I will try to save my two favourite stories that I deleted, and I think the "copy paste" process will probably help settle things. But I think I will be taking a good long break, because as bad as it has been for me I also know it affected multiple people here, and I think it would do everyone a lot of good if I distanced myself from everything for a while. Not forever, mind you, I think CYS still needs its "White Wizard" pegasus to keep away all the demons and spookums and things that go "bump in the night". But certainly for a long while. As I have, officially, been seen by a doctor and declared to be at least somewhat sound, I believe you can all trust me now not to break this particular promise. I won't be saying "Goodbye" to anyone, because this is not a goodbye. It is just a pause, that's all. And anyway, you will all be able to read more of my thoughts soon enough.

Also, one last thing occurred to me yesterday. The way I deal with things that I find hard to think about is I look at them through a harmless lens, usually an episode of an animated series that I like. And I think this whole adventure that started with me as this somewhat nervous and whimsical character and ended with me genuinely seeming to unnerve people with occultism is summed up, perfectly, by a particular episode of (you guessed it...) My Little Pony. Seriously, if anyone wants to know how I think, keep this whole adventure in mind if you decide watch this episode, it's one of my favourites and I think, over the past month, I have realised why

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23iiX-jzAgc

It just keeps going

Hurray! I'm glad you went to see a doctor. A lot of what you describe sounds quite similar to what I went through when I was ill. Not 100% sure why it happens, but sometimes something triggers your brain to go into "fight or flight" mode, which is a very important mental state for animals. It gives them the extra jolt of energy that they need to fight off or out run a predator when they're being attacked. The trouble is, when it happens to humans, there often isn't actually any immediate danger that requires all that extra energy. So, your brain is going at a million miles an hour but without a singular thought to focus on like, "I am being chased by a lion. I need to run away from the lion" it just kind of goes all over the place, and your brain just kind of... Tries to figure out the reason that you're afraid and you end up coming up with some really weird things to be afraid of.

For me it was a lot of, "But what's going to happen when I get old? What if everybody I love dies? Or I get cancer? Or I'm in chronic pain all the time? Or what if I'm paralysed? Or what if I get dementia and forget about everybody I care about? I should probably kill myself now before any of that happens." Looking back now, I can understand how nonsensical all that thinking is, but at the time, because my brain was in fight or flight mode, my brain was absolutely convinced that it needed to figure out a reason for me to be afraid.

I'm guessing for you, your fight or flight brain was tealling you that everybody was a satanist that needed to be rescued with the power of Jesus and My Little Pony!

Yeah, paranoia is a big part of mania. Admittedly I do think they should have at least prescribed him some type of medication or a follow-up appointment. But regardless, this is hopefully the end of the Bronyian Saga.

Perhaps some people are starting to piece things together, but it should be clear to everyone soon what my thoughts on the matter are. I think it will make pretty much every important detail clear, including my reasons for doing all the things that I did.

I'm not trying to armchair diagnose or second-guess, but I do NOT think you went to see a psychiatrist..I'm a bit perplexed by the doctor's response. You mentioned you 'went to the doctor' and were told to just call back if things escalate? I'm not questioning the doc's expertise, but... in my country, with the symptoms you've described, 응급심사 (Emergency Assessment) would be the bare minimum. I mean.. what you write here is quite concerning.

As someone who lives in Britain, "let us know if it gets worse" sounds very much like something a GP would say.

That said, mental health is a very tricky thing to treat.

Let's say you have a toothache caused by an abscess. You take some antibiotics. Problem solved!

With mental health though... A lot of the time it's a guessing game. Let's say someone has depression. Well, there are like a million different antidepressants. Some of them might make the patient better. Some of them might make the patient worse. Some of them might make the patient worse for awhile and then make them better... And there's no telling what pill is going to do what. You just have to pick a pill and cross your fingers. And once the patient starts taking the pills, it could take anything from 2 weeks to 2 months for them to work... Assuming that they do work.

And diagnosing a patient isn't easy either. Depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, all these kind of things can have similar symptoms, but if you diagnose a patient incorrectly and prescribe them the wrong medication, it's more likely to make them worse than better.

While Flutter has clearly not been well, he does seem to be mellowing down a bit. The doctors options at the moment are either:

1. Let's see if he manages to mellow all the way down back to his usual, semi-sane self and we'll reconsider if he starts to get worse.
2. Prescribe him a pill that could potentially make him a lot better, but also could potentially make him a lot worse, while he's in a calm enough state that we can't properly diagnose him.

So... Saying, "give us a call if it gets worse" is probably the best bet at the moment.

That's the NHS for you! Too many patients, not enough staff, so unless you're dying, you can fuck right off! ... Honestly, even if you are dying, we'd appreciate it if you'd fuck off. We don't have enough beds and you'd probably be more comfortable at home, anyway.

And people wonder why Americans resist the universal healthcare idea. We see what happens in European countries and Canada.

But seriously Avery. When you went to a doctor, didn't you get a follow up or prescribed meds or something other than (call us if it happens again?

True, but do they walk in just to be sent right back out like a revolving door?

Hard to say, I kind of went back and forth several times.

I know the first time I went to see a doctor about my mania/insomnia, he prescribed me some pills straight away and they definitely helped.

Well, I assume British healthcare is different from American healthcare. Must be that Universal Healthcare bullshit. I say this as someone who is uninsured and has relatives in Canada. 
 

But still. A follow up appointment or a more in-depth evaluation would be warranted here. Either the European healthcare system sucks AIDS, Flutter didn't actually go, or (most likely option in my eyes) he went but didn't actually go into detail on what was going on (like showing them the stuff he's been posting).

Look, I have to push back on what Avery's saying here. The stuff Flutter's describing isn't just regular anxiety. "racing thoughts, weird time perception, getting deep into occult stuff, paranoia", that sounds a like bipolar disorder, maybe with some psychotic episodes. And being told to "just call back if things get worse" is nonsense. again, NHS or whatever it is called is not my country's healthcare system, but I've never heard of any medical professional being presented these symptoms, and it being handled so... casually? and, again, if flutter did NOT even go to the doc to truthfully tell about these symptoms, why would he even go there in the first place. it makes no sense.

No follow-up appointment? No actual treatment plan? Just a phone number and "good luck"? Come on. that's BS. And look, I know this sounds harsh, but it's painfully obvious what's happening. Flutter knows people here are worried, knows writing all these posts aren't healthy, and when enough people pushed about seeing a doctor, he just made up a lie that he 'visited the doc' to keep the attention going. I get that saying this might make me sound like a jerk, but you guys could actually be doing much much more harm than good by playing along. We're just people on the internet, and the more we feed into this behavior, the longer Flutter puts off getting real help. every post, every response, every bit of attention is just pushing actual treatment further away. really.

sure, Avery's not wrong that mental health treatment involves some trial and error (although she says it as if psychiatry is some voodoo magic or lottery, which it isn't), but that doesn't mean it's ok to just sit here enabling behavior that's clearly spiraling.

No it makes sense that he's trying to get us off his back about seeing a doctor. Especially since others who have used the NHS have different experiences where they got help the first time out.

Now, idk if he actually went. Like I said in a earlier post, he may have gone but avoided explaining the full extent of what was happening (basically downplaying his symptoms). But short of catching a flight to the UK and dragging him into the emergency room, I'm not sure what else we can do here except encourage him to keep seeking treatment.

That would be fucking hilarious. Avery can give us a place to crash and we can smuggle guns into the goddamn country and finally show that filth what it feels like to have someone come into YOUR land and steal your shit rob all the stores of MLP merch and use it to bribe flutter.

While we're there, I'm digging up Duleep Singh and taking his body back to India.

Because he's preaching the word of MLP and they already know friendship is magic. Lol.

[I am writing this as a clarification to the above. I have unwatched this post, so I will most certainly not be posting anything to these forums ever again. Know that I am not ignoring the posts and appreciate any concern or kindness people show, even if much of the concern is unwarranted]

For anyone concerned or confused, when I talk about "gods that set fire in the head", I am using these things as metaphors for things like "mania", because the "Song of Amorgin", which I was indeed quoting, reference seems to be describing such a situation. I am not having hallucinations, and I have never made this claim at all. Even if I wasn't using them as metaphors ,even if I meant it, there's a quote by CS Lewis which reads something along the lines of "I find it easier to imagine demons and gods as real forces rather than as simply psychological factors". I do not think CS Lewis was being demented, or schizopherinc, or any of the things we're talking about here. We just live in a world that has been so absurdly disconnected from any serious discussion of religion that even using these things as casual metaphors is enough to draw these sorts of criticisms, let alone discussion of them as actual, real-life forces as CS Lewis did. Carl Jung obviously considered these things to be metaphors for human behaviour, but I do not think it fair to insist that he was right and every person who disagrees is wrong.

I genuinely just have a completely different way of thinking about things than many people do. This doesn't make me "demented", "schizophrenic" or any of these things. I think seeing the world in a totally religious framework is actually more comprehensive than otherwise, which is why I have somewhat recently made the switch to seeing things in a "modernist/post-modernist" framework to a "fully religious" framework.

Again, I will not be posting any more to forums, here or anywhere else, ever again. There's no point if I have to make entire, vast paragraphs explaining an off-handed statement or quote that I think of in the spur of the moment.

Who would have thought the adult that still obsesses and jerks off to cartoon ponies would have mental problems..?

I..I just don't understand how this could be. It’s very shocking and surprising...

But don't you see? That just proves he's been right all along!

It's actually awesome!