WatchNon-threaded

Forums » The Lounge » Read Message

A place to sit back, hang out, and talk about anything you'd like.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

This is how it works:

Recommending a comment for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a tag change for a storygame (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for a change in maturity level or difficulty level (1 point for each)
Recommending a storygame for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing (1 point)
Recommending a comment for deletion (1 point)

To get points for recommending something, I have to agree with you and newly created storygames are not eligible point earners.  

Three Most Important Things when recommending anything:

1. Reply to THIS thread to THIS post

2. A hyperlink to the storygame

3. Number ALL your suggestions

Recommending a comment for featuring:

- The story should at least have a rating of 3.0

- The comment that you think deserves featuring (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
- If there are already 3 featured comments on the storygame, you also have to let me know whose comment you think should be replaced.
- If I agree, you will get 1 point and the person whose comment is featured will automatically get 2 points. If you are recommending your own comment, you don't get the extra point. (You’re already getting Commendation points as well!)

Recommending a comment for deletion:

- The comment that you think deserves deletion (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)

Examples of what to suggest

Spammy punctuation and lettering: Nice Job!!!!!!! or NOOOOOOO!!!!! I DIIIIIIED!

Short comments that don’t address the story content directly or clearly: “Wow” “Poop” "I won!" “Hi” “:)”

If someone says something like “Nice”, "Cool", "It sucks" or “Bad” we can leave it.

Obviously long comments that don’t do this either are also up for deletion, but it’s usually easier to see since they're probably rambling on about a Nigerian Prince or something similar so there shouldn’t be too much of an issue with ambiguity.

Incomprehensible comments: “sfekrbnmdse”

Duplicate comment: Self explanatory.

Flaming the Author: Honestly, I’m actually all for flaming the author if their story was bad enough, but I understand most of you don’t thrive off pure hatred for some strange reason. So if someone is just calling the author names, it can go.

Note: Do not recommend comments on EndMaster stories for deletion. He usually monitors his stories’ comments anyway.

Recommending a tag change for a storygame

- All of the tags you believe the story should have

Recommending a category change for a storygame

- The category you believe it should be in
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a change in maturity or difficulty level for a storygame

- The change you think should be made
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a storygame for featuring

 - A short rationale for why

Recommending a forum thread for deletion

- A short rationale for why

Recommending a storygame for unpublishing

- A short explanation of why [specifically, you must describe how it fails to meet minimum site standards]

  • After receiving at least 10 ratings and being published for at least 3 days, the storygame is rated 2.4 or less. (Though this is flexible if it's particularly bad and still in the 2.5-2.9 range)
  • The storygame has all of the following characteristics:
    • Grammar and style poor enough that it cannot be ignored
    • A plot which is poor or nonexistent
    • Poor pacing (usually characterized by frequent and unpredictable end game links)
    • A lack of important decisions
    • Unbelievable or overly cliched dialogue (if dialogue is present in the story)
  • The storygame has "dead" pages- pages with no links or way to proceed.
  • The storygame's central concept is pornographic in nature
  • The storygame is not a storygame and is instead intended to fulfill a goal such as communicating with another member (including all inside jokes) or advertising a product.
  • The storygame is explicitly described by the author as a "troll" game, or intentionally poor quality.
  • Any unfinished story.
    • What qualifies a story as "unfinished?"

1. Specifically stating in the description/text of the game that it is a "demo."

2. Ending abruptly with a notice that it will be continued later.

Games that say they are the first in a series are not automatically considered "unfinished." As long as the game itself is complete, even if the author never returned to write a sequel, it is not up for unpublishing.

If you don't follow protocol, there will be no negative repercussions, you will be ignored, or I'll take your advice and not reward you with points. Following protocol expedites the process.

To summarize: post here (for the most part) with recommendations for who I should reward / what I should change and I'll reward you with points. 

Take a second to check the posts above you and see if someone else has already made the recommendation. Remember, newly created Storygames are not eligible for tag/category/comment points.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Recommend a comment for featuring:

From A Great Height

This story was excellent progress from your initial work, and a worthy story in its own right. You've crafted a world interesting in its breadth and depth, and during the course of the story I was happy to encounter a variety of different peoples and places. There's a good deal of variety in the content, and paths I didn't expect to be fairly lengthy turned out to be substantial, to my delight. 

That said, you have issues with path dependency. In atleast three cases, you reach the same ending from different circumstances, and for some reason that does not change the text. If you saved the Mother, flew on, and then went to live in Majeruk the content should have nodded to your interaction with her. Likewise if you ascended to the nameless island vs being dropped off there by the cannibal, the reaction of the protagonist should have been different. Another instance where this happened was on the lone island, if you've met the ladies of the lake, you should have reflected that into the 'No' ending. Furthermore, knowing the ladies were probably up to no good, why did the protagonist not warn future travelers who reached the island (it was mentioned that more travelers came in the path where you became a mermaid)? 

A small issue is of conversation ending dialogue - games like the Witcher 3 highlight what story threads will end the conversation (in orange), and ones that won't (in white). When I reached the 'what do you want to know' part, I first wanted to know the fate of the islands, which unfortunately locked off the remaining content. How about putting conversation paths that lock others off in [brackets] so the player knows to ask other questions first? 

I take issue with the flight, flight vs flight choice, because on the outset I assume she's being frantic to make you say flight, and the number of times it's being said shouldn't matter (or atleast you wouldn't know it matters), and after realizing that it's inadequate, I would expect the protagonist would have tried to dive after and save the mother. Further, I thought flight, flight was testing my comprehension (repetition vs comprehension), so I'm not too happy with that path. The cipher content itself was clever, and I enjoyed deciphering the text - it made the language seem suitably alien yet comprehensible through effort. Choosing to substitute only a few letters was a smart call. 

As far as endings go, I was satisfied with the variety of situations, but not satisfied by how the story pretty much offers no explanation for what's going on. Just why did the mother save you? Was she a rebel? Was she bored? It's never expanded upon, and surprisingly the protagonist never thinks about it. 

The fuzzlebunny conversation was funny, just thought I'd point that out. One logical error though - for a girl who hadn't left the island, how did she know that that boy's turning purple was indicative of sexual attraction? There was no precedence of that knowledge in the story as far as I could find. 

There were a few grammatical errors in the story, and the opening line was not particularly impressive (Bll hflmsmfn bn thf blfrt! should have been pn thf blfrt!, your stomach rumbles fro(m)). 

In all, this was a really good game, but I recommend you work on path dependency and adding more opportunities to understand why the world was working the way it was, the protagonist pretty much just goes into a shell in every ending in which they're alive. I look forward to reading more of your work!

-- StrykerL on 5/5/2017 2:12:57 AM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Not quite the title I was hoping for, but it fits.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago
BANNED!

...

Oops, sorry about that (*un-banned), just a little trigger-happy is all. ;)

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

I was more scared than i've ever been in my life reading that. xD

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Comments for featuring.

A stroll in the forest

1) This is yet another game that fits into the lolrandom category. It's incredible how a story can shift plots that sloppily. 

What I thought would be a decent story about a walk in the woods based on the ratings ended up being an incredibly short story with an almost nonexistant plot. 

In my playthrough, I somehow turned into a fucking pokemon trainer so I could fight a bear. The plot changed so suddenly, and I was honestly pretty confused. 

Character development was nonexistant. I have no emotion toward any of these characters, because I don't have a reason to have any emotion toward any of the characters. I can't relate to them in any way. Not that there were many characters to begin with. 

Detail was at a minimum, which made for a short number of words, and a short story. On top of this, the choices hardly branch out. I chose about one or two links in each playthrough, and it ended. 

Take more time to write your stories. Make something you can be proud of, and not a few lolrandom pages.

-- MinnieKing on 5/10/2017 8:34:52 PM

Life

2) I'd like to say I enjoyed myself, but this may have been the worst story i've read in a while. 

Ok, listen, I understand the occasional "your," and "you're," screw up and maybe a few misspelled words throughout a storygame, but the grammar in this was horrible. Come on, did you even try? There was even a link that had an exclamation mark, with a comma and a space before it. Grammar matters. 

Also, you screwed up with the branching. In one path, you can barely try, but somehow you still end up having a ton of money. Many paths led to the same ending. 

Transitions were choppy, and sloppy. Neither of those words are good, as silly as they sound when used in a sentence together. You were pretty much saying a sentence, then somehow leap to another sentence with almost no relation to the other. That's not how you write a good storygame. It makes it very linear. 

Character development was almost nonexistant. Work harder on your plot, branching, spelling, characters, and effort. 

1/8.

-- MinnieKing on 5/10/2017 9:16:27 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/poll-question

Delete this "story". It's actually just a single page question about ISIS. Should've been a forum post.

 

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Recommending Storygame for featuring.

Crab Arena by BerkaZerka

A ?Perfect and comical example of how an advanced storygame should be. Even though it is as simple as a crab arena, this story game still presents a challenge to the players and has been ranked highly among players. I'm surprised it was not already featured. The storygame is a very addictive "rock paper scissors" like game and it is almost impossible not to play the game at least twice. 

Edit: Also, the game is not a 3/8 in terms of difficulty it is more of a 5/8 because the game is strictly based on luck.

Edit 2: No idea why question marks are there.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Recommending a story for unpublishing:

Anything For Momma

Reason: Dead links on one of the pages. (Choose the second choice, and then the second choice again to see it.)

It appears to be the only dead page in the storygame, as the rest of the story is fine. Looks like it was intended to have an End Game link and the author missed it out.

 

Benta Sinco

Reason: Dead links on a page at the very end (which I presume to be the "winning" ending.)

It's possible that you're supposed to use an item on this dead page in order to proceed. Unfortunately, the author seems to have missed it out. There's only one item you can get, and unless I've missed something, it appears to be unusable throughout the story. If it was supposed to be the end of the game, the End Game link has been missed out.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago
Recommending Storygame for unpublishing

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/25-to-Life (Sorry, can't use RTE on mobile, can't link.)

Reason: Not finished, literally even says it in the story description.



Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Comments for featuring

Life as a Teenager

1) I'm honestly a bit concerned that you needed the help of three co-authors or write something so short and small. 

First off, we did have some branching here. Definitely not a lot, but there was some, so I guess that part was alright. However, the branching that there was felt a bit lazy, as if you put a lot of effort into one path and then decided to rush the others so you could publish as soon as possible. 


I guess it's a simple little story about being a teenager, but a lot of choices were completely illogical, and your character was able to have multiple split personalities through the story. If you can muster the courage to make fun of your friend for being retarded, with tons of people watching, how did this character even get friends in the first place? 

The grammar wasn't as good as it should have been. Short stories like this generally shouldn't have many grammar mistakes since they're so easy to proofread. 

Most of the endings were completely random and illogical. 

And, also, to be honest i'm a bit confused about the story in general. It was incredibly linear and confusing. 

I feel like i'm being very generous giving this a 2/8.

-- MinnieKing on 5/12/2017 4:25:46 PM

Adventures in the Sahel

2) I'm not sure what to think of this, really. 

Your grammar was nearly perfect, but that's not a very big feat with such a short story. 

You need to include more detail in your stories, that way the reader can have a clear image of what the characters are seeing and what they feel. Without detail, character development is almost nonexistant, and there's a really small amount of words on each page. 

The plot was ok, but there's practically no explanation for the task the character must complete. 

Multiple random, linear, and rather illogical encounters left me rather curious of what was happening. It was tough seeing these events happen with the little detail, in all honesty. 

The story itself isn't very interesting. It needs a better opening, more detail, a better description of the setting, and more words in general. 

2/8.

-- MinnieKing on 5/12/2017 4:32:48 PM

Welcome to Pablos!

3) Very overrated. 

The length in terms of branching was fine, but the amount of words on each page wasn't. There was little detail describing things, leaving a vague feeling in the storygame itself. 

I suppose it's a rather ok way to kill a few minutes, but it's hard to really enjoy it since the characters have little development and the linearity is really annoying. 

I'll admit, I did chuckle from time to time, but probably not as much as you intended the reader to. 

It's a lot better then many storygames on the site, but I don't understand how this almost has a 5/8.

-- MinnieKing on 5/12/2017 4:44:03 PM

Blackbirds

4) I enjoyed myself. I'm actually surprised I did. 

The writing was quite bloody and gruesome, but it didn't go way goo far over the line. You fleshed out the writing quite well with the detail and situations you provided. 

I was a bit confused, because I got to make decisions for more then one character and decide situations rather then make choices in the storygame. However, I don't think this would really qualify as a problem :) 

Character development was actually pretty average, but that's actually pretty good compared to the hundreds of storygames on the site with little to no development for the plot, characters, or situations. 

I didn't really understand the whole "blackbirds" thing, though. 

This was also quite short, and I wish i'd gotten to play more because I enjoyed it. 

4/8.

-- MinnieKing on 5/13/2017 2:42:48 AM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Also, I left two comments on the Blackbirds one, but that was just to correct a spelling mistake.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Comments for featuring

Live the life of a cat (To replace CrescentStar's comment)

1) Well, it's not warriors... 


So, the first issue we have with the game is that there are no real choices. A few pages had links ranging from about one to four. The issue with the pages with more then one link, is that it pretends to offer choices and branching, when in reality, if you choose any of the links besides one specific one, they all just link you to the other option that progresses you. Your job as the author of a choose-your-own-adventure story is to make sure the reader has meaningful choices and a pleasant experience reading it. 

That being said, I did find the writing and the overall story in general to be rather cute. It was short, but had a certain charm to it that made it quite adorable to read through. 

The detail could use work. Not having much detail certainly raised the linearity of this story, and made for a rather confusing setting at most points. 

Character development was below average. It would have been nicer if you'd made a better attempt to flesh out the emotion and characteristics of the characters in this story, because then the reader would have a better reason to try and understand how the characters feel. 

2/8, try harder, you've got potential.

-- MinnieKing on 5/13/2017 3:46:00 PM

Death becomes you

2) Pretty average. 

The spelling grammar needs work, as I noticed multiple errors in punctuation, and spelling. Remember not to rush storygames, and spend plenty of time proofreading to make sure mistakes like this aren't present. 

The concept really was good, but i'm not sure it was executed very well. The plot had incredible potential, but the writing that captures the story was rather disappointing. 

Descriptions were quite vague, and the storygame itself felt rushed because of the short length, little detail on most pages, and linear setting. 

The writing itself wasn't exactly bad, it just needed a little polish. You need more character development and detail to make a storygame work, especially with a plot as vague and open ended as this one. 

I'll say 3/8, it needs a lot of work, but it's a great concept and the writing was average.

-- MinnieKing on 5/13/2017 3:53:16 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Aww shucks. :(

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

My apolagies T-T

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Comment for featuring

Escaping Dystopia

1) Wow. 

Honestly, this game surprised me. I read the first three pages or so, and they weren't very well written. However, as I progressed, more effort seemed to be put in. Quite odd, since usually the beginning will be good and the end rushed, but it was a pleasant surprise. 

The length was a problem. This felt like more of a good start than a complete story. Please spend more time on this. 

This story had quite a disturbing element, but in my opinion that just reflects on how good the author is at fleshing emotion out. 

The characters needed more development, more details on them would have been wonderful for this category. 

A few grammatical errors riddled the story throughout, but overall I enjoyed it. Spend more time on this and you'll have something really great. 

4/8

-- MinnieKing on 5/15/2017 11:41:35 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Comment for featuring

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/infinite-sadness

1)  I tried for all the endings, but I stopped when I realized almost all of them were dieing alone or suicide. 

This storygame was illogical to no bounds. *Spoiler* Apparently, if you don't talk to the girl when you're six years old, you then see her in the diner like, twenty/thirty years later, and realize "oh, I made a mistake," and divorce your wife and never talk to your kids again. 
What the hell? That's a horrible ending, and it makes no sense. You can't see a six year old and then somehow magically know who they are all that time later. Their looks could have changed, or you would have forgotten. 

The linearity was massive. Basically, it tells the reader that the protagonist loves Sarah, and gives little explanation as to why he actually does, and the memories barely pass as detailed. 

The protagonist is given completely illogical choices half the time. The choices are usually not even close to related to the events, and the lack of detail made for a rather poor story. 

The storygame also had a few grammatical errors.

1/8, try harder please.

-- MinnieKing on 5/17/2017 11:05:33 AM

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

For your edification.

If you are dieing something, you are cutting or stamping it with a die, which is a device used for cutting, forming, or engraving metals. It is a process used in machining, and your local town may even have a “tool and die shop,” which would make extensive use of the process.

With the exception of this specialized use, average writers will almost never find themselves using the verb dieing, so they can effectively eliminate it from their vocabulary.

Just remember, dieing has nothing to do with death, so unless you’re talking about machinery, forget the word exists.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

I would say "fuck you and your grammar," but you probably just saved me from making that mistake 1000 times in the future.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago
Recommending storygame for unpublishing.

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/Cyrus-the-Great-Beast-Hunter


Reason: Not only is it a bunch of stories and not a game, the author states it is still a work in progress.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Comment for featuring

Go get the mail!

1) I don't know what to think... 

So, we definitely have some good humor here, but in the mixture we have heavy doses of lolrandom. Lolrandom humor can be good, but using it extensively (to cover plotholes and leave gaps) is a big no-no for storywriting. 

The storygame itself was rather illogical at some points, and a lot of the choices didn't make much sense. The storygame uses a type of reverse psychology, in which doing the exact opposite of what you should is the best option at some points.

The neighborhood did seem like one of a kind. A bully that doesn't mind killing you, murderous rabbits, dogs that can result in your death... 

It was a good plot. I loved the idea of making such a simple task into a storygame. Not many authors can do such a thing. 

The setting could have been fleshed out a bit more as well. 

I liked the character development (although there wasn't a lot), but I was able to feel for these characters I suppose, in a humorous sort of way. 

The grammar was nearly perfect. One quick proofreading can fix this. 

3/8, pretty average.

-- MinnieKing on 5/18/2017 8:55:35 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Recommending storygame for unpublishing:

A Midnight Walk 

Reasoning: Low enough ratings, quite short, linear, etc.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

I'm surprised that one stayed up as long as it did.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Probably was just above the cut off line during the first great purge and recently got a few low ratings to drop it below said line.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Don't give me a point for this deletion suggestion.

1. I was apparently unable to spell or use proper grammer when writing this comment. Since it's still the first comment (other than the featured ones) after one bloody year and three days, please kill it.
****************************
Congratulations BZ, this is one of the best storygames on the site. It took me hours (literally) to beat the game... Sign. I Briar's clue by accident. That would have been helpful to know sooner. 
Anyway, I killed the mustache. 8/8

-- WouldntItBeNice on 5/15/2016 9:48:34 PM with a score of 6010

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

You need a hyperlink to the storygame, although it's rather obvious which one it is.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Link <- there it is. It was trying to kill a mustache.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Comment for featuring

Property

1) I rolled my eyes when I read the description. It didn't look very promising. The plot seemed rather cliche. 

But, as I read it, I began to thoroughly enjoy myself. This was very well written, and it had a wonderful mixture of humor, science fiction, and emotion. 

The length was average. To make a storygame like this work, you should have more branching to help us understand the robots full extent and whatnot. 

Some of the things in this game didn't make much sense, for multiple reasons. There was quite a bit of linearity, and sometimes things were just illogical. 

Honestly, I felt you did a great job of fleshing out the characters and plot. The reader is left on a bit of a cliffhanger though :P 

5/8, not bad :)

-- MinnieKing on 5/19/2017 10:00:08 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Just commented on that story again to add another section to that comment, because I reread it and it seemed a bit short.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Comment for featuring

(I have recommended this one before, but it didn't get featured and this time I added more to it.)

Welcome to Pablo's!

1) Very overrated. 

The length in terms of branching was fine, but the amount of words on each page wasn't. There was little detail describing things, leaving a vague feeling in the storygame itself. The branching was also a bit awkward at times since few of the end pages actually had end links, and not just a link to the first page. 

I suppose it's a rather ok way to kill a few minutes, but it's hard to really enjoy it since the characters have little development and the linearity is really annoying. 

I'll admit, I did chuckle from time to time, but probably not as much as you intended the reader to. 

Grammar wasn't exactly your main focus while creating this, I see. I noticed multiple errors, which is a bit disappointing since it's pretty short. Short stories should be easy to proofread. 

It's a lot better than many storygames on the site, but I don't understand how this almost has a 5/8. I'll give you a 3/8.

-- MinnieKing on 5/20/2017 10:31:16 PM

 

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

Comments for Featuring

While my guitar Violently Weeps

1) Many, many issues with this storygame. 

First of all, I saw about half a dozen spelling and grammar mistakes (such as "freinds," and not "friends."), which really takes away from the overall writing. 

Then, there was a sudden font change. Why did you suddenly make a transition to comic sans on like, one of the last pages? It's an annoying font, and the transition has no purpose. 

It was completely illogical at many points. Why did you out this in modern adventure? This fits into like, horror more than modern adventure. 

Some of the characters were well developed, and I could feel emotion for them (which is rather impressive since the storygame was rather short and didn't have a lot of words in general), but other characters seemed to be just thrown in for the purpose of just having more characters. 

The dialogue was also screwed up multiple times throughout this storygame. 

Spend more time writing in general. This needed more plot development as well, and maybe a more fleshed out setting. 

I'll say 3/8. You've got potential.

-- MinnieKing on 5/21/2017 3:46:23 AM

Nutters

2) I'll just say it right away. I didn't enjoy this. 

First of all, it was very random (which you literally admitted in the description), and I couldn't even tell what was going on through all the linear writing and awkward, underdeveloped characters. All I know about Mandy is that she seems to get pissed really easily and knows boxing, but nothing much at all beyond that. Even for lolrandom games like this one developed characters are VERY important. 

Then there was the fact that there was little to no branching (just about each link leads to death), and I really couldn't make any choices that effected the story without killing myself. 

There were also some spelling errors, such as "sueal" and not "squeal." This is very annoying, because this story is incredibly short and this makes it feel like you didn't proofread at all, because stories so short with such little branching should be incredibly easy to proofread. 

I didn't pick up on any emotion either, but hey, there's way worse on the site I suppose. 

2/8.

-- MinnieKing on 3/24/2017 12:42:02 AM

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

4 months ago

The following is all from this storygame

1. Add "previously featured" as a tag, since it was previously ?featured according to her point history. (I sort of wish I was around back then since the quality was apparently fairly low for having a featured story.)
******************************
Comments for deleting: reasoning -> spammy

2. Sooooo.....boooooring.....

-- Meaka333 on 3/16/2006 2:59:04 PM

****************

3. I sooooooooooooo cheated.

-- Nick on 1/25/2006 4:51:35 AM

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Comment for featuring!

I have recommended this comment for featuring a while ago, but I just noticed the spelling error in it and fixed it, so that's why there are two.

While My Guitar Violently Weeps

1) Many, many issues with this storygame. 

First of all, I saw about half a dozen spelling and grammar mistakes (such as "freinds," and not "friends."), which really takes away from the overall writing. 

Then, there was a sudden font change. Why did you suddenly make a transition to comic sans on like, one of the last pages? It's an annoying font, and the transition has no purpose. 

It was completely illogical at many points. Why did you put this in modern adventure? This fits into like, horror more than modern adventure. 

Some of the characters were well developed, and I could feel emotion for them (which is rather impressive since the storygame was rather short and didn't have a lot of words in general), but other characters seemed to be just thrown in for the purpose of just having more characters. 

The dialogue was also screwed up multiple times throughout this storygame. 

Spend more time writing in general. This needed more plot development as well, and maybe a more fleshed out setting. 

I'll say 3/8. You've got potential.

-- MinnieKing on 5/25/2017 11:32:56 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Recommending storygame for unpublishing: 

Can you survive this?  

Reasoning: Meets the criteria in it's rating, as well as being quite linear. The storygame is also rather short, even when you're not reaching one of the bad ends. 

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/school-day

 

This is stupid. Don't even need to explain it. Another one of those two-second "lol u dide m8" games.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Natural selection of the storygames.

Recommendation for Unpublishing:

1) How Well Do You Know Jim Carrey

It's short, clearly very quickly written, and barely worth anything above a 2 in my opinion. 

Recommendations for Featured Comments:

2) A Day In The Life Of A Slice Of Bread

There are a couple of things to improve upon with this story: 
-I'd say a storyline is important. Without a storyline, there really isn't much reason for the reader to keep being the reader, it's not like they're emotionally invested in the slice of bread. 
-It needs to be longer: this feels a little rushed, like you just wanted to get a story out there, rather than putting in the fair amount of time it takes to make something well written. That being said, I think some of the humour could be good with a little polishing! 
-Some of the choices weren't really indicative of what was going to happen. E.g: you can turn left and the game ends, or you can turn right and it continues. I might as well just guess if I don't know what's going to happen! 

Either way, I think you could write something good with a bit more effort and a framework to start with!

-- AzBaz on 5/31/2017 4:38:14 PM

3) Atomic Quiz

A good little quiz! A few ways to improve it would be: 
-Possibly make it a little longer, though I suppose that's subjective 
-Just look out for some minor spelling errors; I think I saw 'apon' instead of 'upon' in there, for example. 
-I wasn't too sure about the ice question, but I'm pretty sure there is energy transfer in ice melting. The temperature stays the same, though, because the energy is being put in to overcome latent heat of melting by breaking hydrogen bonds. May be wrong, but make sure to check the facts 
I like it, anyway:) 5/8

-- AzBaz on 5/31/2017 4:50:57 PM with a score of 76

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Recommending a tag change for September the 14th Part I. Point history shows it's been "previously featured".

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Such low standards this site once had.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

There was like 10 of those stories at one point.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Storygame for unpublishing.

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/Greek_Mythology_Quiz.aspx

Reason: Low ratings, many fuck ups (ex: insults the reader if they get a wrong answer and then makes the same mistake halfway through the "quiz"), short, limited answers, etc.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

 Recommended for unpublishing:

1) How not to be eaten by a dragon

It's ridiculously short (and not in the 'short and sweet' kind of way), appears to have been written in about 30 minutes, and written badly at that.

2) Lost in the Woods

Just a pretty all round terrible story. You can die from choosing to go east instead of west, very short, barely written, all that jam.

3) Love or Magic

A decent attempt; you can tell the author is young and hasn't put in much effort though. Again, very short, unrealistic dialogue, and I don't feel too bad reaping the sweet reward of points (if you agree with me) for having it taken down because the author hasn't been online for half a decade.

4) Back To The Pass!

By far the worst story I've read so far. Even with my hardened, cynical heart, I felt a little piece of me die inside. I could have written a better story after stabbing both of my eyes (which I was tempted to do after reading this), breaking each of my fingers, and mashing my broken hands indiscriminately on a keyboard, hoping it would all link up. Short, not much reason behind the consequences, and full of cheap half endings where they won't let you end your misery and rate it, but just make you restart until you find the 'good' ending (which, in this case, was the 'less-abysmal-than-all-the-others' ending). Here's my favourite little excerpt: "You stay in the present time. Bad idea!
YOU LOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I think the title is supposed to be 'Back to the Past', so the author didn't even get that right.

5) Extra Terrestrial

I'm actually not too sure on this one, as it's not particularly badly written. In fact, most of the grammar is fine and it has a decent range of vocabulary. However, it's more of an anecdote than a story. It's just a weird day. Also has a few unreasonable deaths, like dying from choosing to do maths homework. Oh, and the epilogue isn't an epilogue... it just continues the game for one more choice.

6) A Jail Cell

I'm not a fan of this, but I can see why it's better than the others I've recommended. The writing is pretty decent, even though there is some weird wording of descriptions. Again, it's short and probably only took a day, if that. Nothing that will inspire raconteurs for generations to come, that's for sure. If you don't think it's bad enough to take down, then I'd like to recommend a few comments on it (below).

Comment recommendations

7) (link above)

Short as it was, the game was quite enjoyable, compared to other games I have seen recently, the grammar wasn't all that bad and the premise was a good one, the only things that bothered me is that it's too short, the descriptions all around feel very mechanical, emotionless, really. And last, we lack a general backstory of both the character and the jail itself. 

1) The grammar, was ok compared to what I have seen on other recent storygames, it isn't great, but it is something that you can write a storygame with, however, that does not mean that you should not try to improve. 

2) The escape from jail, or rather maybe from a abandoned jail cell? Either way, the general premise is one that I enjoy and I would've enjoyed it even more if there were more puzzles, or choosing from trying to sneak-escape from the jail, or organizing a massive escape attempt with the rest of the prisoners. 

3) It's too short, there's no way out of this. This game is too short to give a player any sort of long term enjoyment. I mean, they will enjoy this for a moment, but since it was so short(and so easy) that feeling of triumph will quickly vanish, please try to make games like these longer. 

4) When I read the first page, then the rest of the game, it felt like a machine wrote the game not a human being with emotions and while that isn't very bad, it helps if you add emotions to both your story and your characters. 

5) What I would've absolutely loved to see is the backstory of the character and how he got in this seemingly abandoned jail cell in the first place. Was he falsely accused? Was he actually a criminal? And I would've loved to see a general backstory of the jail/jail cell itself since it seemed like it was abandoned. I mean, is this jail abandoned? And if so, why is our character in there? Too many question and no answers. 

On short, I've actually enjoyed it enough to see my character get through to the good end(I'm ashamed to say that I have died twice) and though it has a few major problems, it is actually a game worth your time... especially since it is so short in the first place. 

I give this a 4/8 and I hope that I see even better games from you in the future!

-- Claw2k11 on 3/3/2017 2:46:07 PM

8) (link above)

There's no context. You're just thrown into this cell, and have to get out. A lot of it is pretty realistic, like searching the ground of your tiny square cell and finding nothing for ages, then clicking search a few more times and finding a bloody bomb. Like how did the main character miss the bomb the first scan around the room!? 
Also, while your grammar is good, some of your wording is just straight up weird. 'despite the brittle demeanor of the stone...' 
All in all, if you put more effort into making a puzzle game I'm sure you could make a good one. 
2/8

-- AzBaz on 6/6/2017 7:52:25 AM

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago
http://chooseyourstory.com/Member/?Username=NerdGaming697

Is this guy ripping a game off another site?

Credited in the description but I think it's been established this is not okay without permission from the author...or is he the author?

I don't know but you people have lots of time on your hands, plus a burning desire to punish the wicked, so I trust one of you will figure it out.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Not all heroes wear capes...

It's hard to tell, looks like he's trying to make a spin-off of the original, but the fact that he's copied the description doesn't instill faith in me that he's going to be particularly original about it.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

I went ahead and warned him to just delete it now.

He's free to post a link to the original in the forums though.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago
Will some kind mod just mercy kill Claire's Day Out already?

I wouldn't usually bother bringing up one still on the New Games list, but it's been almost a week so maybe everyone just forgot about it. It is pretty forgettable, to be fair.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/you-are-a-person,-right~3f

As socially important as mizal says it is, it ought to be thrown out.

I think it has, like, two words.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Don't need to recommend a game that's been published for a day, unless you're retarded. 

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Oh, sorry, I never specified. Uh, kill it with fire. Delete it. I didn't make that clear.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

What does ought to be thrown out mean then? 

Are we throwing it out of the bed to celebrate a party?

Don't answer that seriously. Because in any case, it's been unpublished.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Also, you should probably hyperlink your suggestions from now on.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Comment for featuring

island adventure

1) Here we go... 

Alright, first thing I noticed about this game is that the spacing is completely screwed up. There were about 20 blank lines at the end of the very first page. 

And, one of the first choices ends the game. You don't want people to click one link, give the story a bad rating, and think nothing of it do you? 

I liked the writing for the first few pages, but as I progressed, the quality just got worse and worse. There is absolutely no rush to finish your storygames, put lots of effort into them, so you don't end up with extremely linear scenes and very little-detailed paragraphs. 

You did manage to flesh out the setting quite well, but the plot needed a little work. There's not a lot of explanation of why many of the events are triggered. 

You also need to work harder in your proofreading, because I found multiple spelling errors and grammatical errors scattered throughout the storygame. 

I can see you spent quite some time on the main character's backstory, and that's great and all, but the present story was lacking the detail that the backstory shows you are clearly capable of giving. 

I'll give this a 2/8, try harder, because this has potential but just needs to be fleshed out more, and less rushed :D

-- MinnieKing on 6/7/2017 11:02:20 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago
Feature my comment:

I'm not seeing why the original game of less than a thousand words needed a sequel in the first place. Wouldn't it have made more sense just to combine it with this one? You'd almost have had a single storygame of a reasonable length, that way.

Though to be honest, that may not have helped that much, looking at the actual writing here. This story and the last read more like a hastily scribbled rough draft or outline than a complete story. There's no detail on...anything, just one or two short sentences on every page summarizing what happened. And even those are sprinkled with grammatical and spelling errors.

This is a skeleton of a story. It really feels like it shouldn't have been published in this state at all. I couldn't recommend it to anyone other than as a way to pick up a quick free point. If published here today it wouldn't last a week. -- mizal on 6/8/2017 11:54:28 AM


And then, maybe just remove this story along with the author's 'part one', they're kind of lazy and awful and only reason they have all those threes and fours is because no one had standards in '05. (And Fazz continued to not have them all the way into 2014, apparently.)

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

"...a burning desire to punish the wicked"

Sound familiar?

Rickety r3kt.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

1. Recommending a comment for deletion

While My Guitar Violently Weeps

Many, many issues with this storygame.

First of all, I saw about half a dozen spelling and grammar mistakes (such as "freinds," and not "friends."), which really takes away from the overall writing.

Then, there was a sudden font change. Why did you suddenly make a transition to comic sans on like, one of the last pages? It's an annoying font, and the transition has no purpose.

It was completely illogical at many points. Why did you put this in modern adventure? This fits into like, horror more than modern adventure.

Some of the characters were well developed, and I could feel emotion for them (which is rather impressive since the storygame was rather short and didn't have a lot of words in general), but other characters seemed to be just thrown in for the purpose of just having more characters.

The dialogue was also screwed up multiple times throughout this storygame.

Spend more time writing in general. This needed more plot development as well, and maybe a more fleshed out setting.

I'll say 3/8. You've got potential.

-- MinnieKing on 5/25/2017 11:32:56 PM

Reason: Duplicate comment

2. Add Tag

WarGames

add war tag.

 

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Recommendation for a featured comment

A Trip to the Zoo

Right. Yeah. A couple of things: 
- You randomly change tense halfway through sentences, which usually ends up sounding horrible. It's mainly set in the present tense, so I'd say stick to that. 
- This game doesn't really have a point? The premise is: 'go to the zoo'. As all stories ideally need conflict (you'll very rarely find fiction without it), you didn't have a great starting idea. Even a simple, barely fleshed out plot would be better than this idea. It seemed more like an excuse to string together a load of random events that's all mainly aimed at the kind of 'lolrandom' humour genre. You could put it down to personal preference, but I don't think it's controversial to say that a plot is pretty vital for MOST stories (storygames with an emphasis on the 'game' side are an exception most of the time. 
- It was pretty short and I think it needs more effort. If you're going to write something, you want to be proud of it, right? That takes time and effort. 
Despite that, I did like the use of picture: something you don't see usually in the generally lower rated games. 
2/8

-- AzBaz on 6/8/2017 5:52:48 PM

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago
Okay so I'm curious now. How blind are you, on a scale of one to ten? Are you actually able to look at these pictures or is the reader just pointing out that they're there?

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Yeah, I was wondering how seriously you were taking that. It's mainly a joke, though I don't have great eyesight without my glasses (probably like a 2/10 then: can't see anything in great detail after about 5 feet). Maybe it's a little distasteful... What do you think?

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago
So you can see colours and pictures just fine, you are just short sighted? I guess visually impaired would be better to use here then, especially because there are a few blind people on this site. Basicly, you are banned from The blindy club, go away! :P

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Short sighted and astigmatism, yeah. Sorry, I genuinely didn't mean to offend you or anyone else! 

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago
You didn't, I was just joking. Each person has their own problems. And if you want to go back to The blindy club again, there is always that option with the sharp stick ...

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Okay, I'm glad! Medusa isn't someone to be fucked with or make enemies with. (And I just don't like making people feel bad if I can help it)

I'll consider it:)

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

What the hell man, I was cordial to AzBaz for no reason now.

Fortunately for you, Medusa was okay with you masquerading as one of her tribe.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Yeah, I should have thought about it when I wrote it. 

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago
Laaaame.

But thanks for pointing this out before we got too far along in our plans for the blindie Thunderdome. It would have been a little unfair to the others.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Comment for featuring on:

Last scream before you die

1) Uh, okay I suppose. 

This really didn't feel like a Horror to me, honestly, although it was obviously intended to be. There's just not enough of a fright element, or dark themes, or really anything else that helps it fall into horror. 

The thing about horror is you need to have really good descriptions. In this storygame, there's about two to four sentences on each page, and that just isn't enough for a horror game. I don't know why the spacing is so annoying, or why you decided to write everything in bold, but it just didn't work. 

Go into more detail with your writing, because more detail means more legnth, more enjoyment, and more emotion. In other words, a better storygame. 

This seemed very, very rushed, and could very well have been written in a couple hours. 

There is absolutely no rush to publish. Spend more time on your storygames. 

This storygame had so little detail, it just feels generic. I don't have any reason to set this apart from other storygames, there's just nothing special here. 

1/8, keep trying, and add more detail.

-- MinnieKing on 6/8/2017 7:38:08 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago
Actually I wonder whether this game shouldn't be just deleted altogether, since in addition to being utter shit, it contains photos of RL human corpses it just springs on you with no warning. I think that pushes it a bit beyond the site maturity level, in addition to just being tasteless and inconsiderate as hell.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

The pictures are pretty much the only scary part. Quite disturbing and uncalled for, I agree.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago
Being disturbing is not the issue, the internet is full of corpse pictures from movies or whatever it would've been fine to use, it's just that you don't use photos of actual dead people for entertainment purposes.

Like okay, presumably no one who's ever going to use CYS cares much about Saddam's sons, but it's still hugely disrespectful and not something I expected or wanted to see while randomly browsing through some lazy poorly written storygame, while eating dinner.

The title image at least I'm assuming is from a movie or something, it looks appropriately over the top gory, but I don't have the data to do a reverse image search and verify that. And no idea what else might be in the story behind other links either as I decided not to continue clicking around.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Really don’t think it’s as bad as you’re saying and as far as I can tell those are the only real dead bodies in the story.

But probably shouldn’t have pics of real life dead bodies on the site, so unpublished.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago
I mean technically you're not even supposed to put up pictures of living people without permission, but that varies state to state. But again, it's Saddam's sons, so whatever, but generally speaking with corpses there are considerations like 'these are images of people's family members being put on display for amusement by strangers, without permission, for others strangers to do god knows what with' and it's something that is avoided.

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Comment for featuring on:

Skipping School

1) Alright, let's see here... 

First of all, there is almost no plot. Basically, it just says "hey, you're gonna skip school, so choose from these random activities to try to get the variables to work for you!" 

A lot of the "choices," were highly illogical, and I felt like some of the activites would have wasted less time then they did. 

There's no branching, the ending is always the same. The only difference is the variables won't always be the same, but other then that, there is no story, just an incredibly short, linear game. 

I also found myself to be rather bored while playing this. There's not enough detail or quality writing to really motivate me to keep reading. 

There is no character development, not even for the main character. 

Like I said before, the plot and setting are almost nonexistant, and it felt like this was just a simple variable test. There's no story, no branching, almost no plot and setting, no detail, no development, and in my opinion, that makes for a very bad piece of writing. 

1/8.

-- MinnieKing on 6/9/2017 8:47:31 PM with a score of 10000

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Comment for featuring

the-mall

1) It's not the best, obviously, but I feel like there was some obvious effort put into this storygame. 

Obviously, you made an attempt, and putting effort in paid off pretty well. This was definitely not bad, but I wouldn't call it "good," either. The formatting is a bit annoying, and there's a very obvious drop in quality about halfway through. There's no rush to publish, make sure the quality doesn't spread thin when writing your storygames.

I guess it was funny at some points, but nothing really special in the humor. It was okay in that department I suppose. 

This isn't the shortest storygame i've ever seen, but it could be longer. This storygame has a lot of potential, and felt more like a decent start to me then a whole storygame. 

You did have some detail in here, but not enough. There just wasn't enough detail, not to flesh out the setting or the plot. 

I'll also say this: you need to develop your characters a bit more so your readers can have an easier time putting themselves in the characters shoes, and so they can have an easier time feeling emotion for them. 

3/8.

-- MinnieKing on 6/10/2017 1:54:49 AM 

Draw My Attention (Age of Banning)

3 months ago

Comments for featuring

break and enter

1) I enjoyed it. 

You put a good amount of effort into this, and for that I applaud you. The writing wasn't linear at most points, although at a few pages I noticed there were a few illogical situations. 

You had character development here, and that's always nice. I felt like the way you described emotion with the characters was rather cliche, but hey at least it's there. 

Some paths no doubt had more effort put into them than others, you need to work on making sure the quality doesn't spread thin in your writing, or it will seem lazy. 

In some branches, I thoroughly enjoyed myself and found this to be a really good storygame about realistic situations. 

I loved the humor in here, and while it was in small portions, it made me laugh. 

Also, your proofreading could use work. I saw spelling and grammatical errors within some pages, and that needs to be fixed. 

4/8, good work, but there's room for improvement.

-- MinnieKing on 6/10/2017 4:35:40 PM

mcdonald's adventure

2) This made me laugh, but it has many flaws, but many good things about it as well :) 

I don't like how one of the first choices can kill you, and I don't really enjoy the lolrandom choices (they're a bit annoying and odd), but I guess that was the type of humor you used for this storygame. However, when used too much, lolrandom humor isn't funny. It just gets annoying.

I did like the writing style, and you have potential. If you'd included more detail and character development, I would have rated it higher. 

Speaking of character development, I noticed little to no development for the characters. I don't feel anything for them. Even in humor stories, you need to have emotion, and remember that it doesn't have to be cheesy, serious emotion :) 

It was very creative, and decently fleshed out. Honestly, it's the best storygame about McDonalds i've ever read! 

I enjoyed the plot, but more development and a more clear setting would have been nice. 

Overall, I did like it but you've got a lot to work on. 3/8, good job I guess.

-- MinnieKing on 3/22/2017 8:10:23 PM