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Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
Commended by Mystic_Warrior on 7/19/2024 12:00:22 AM
Here we are at the much anticipated second match of this battle! Our participants still have their identities masked. But as one lanky individual with freakishly long arms enters the arena amid a cloud of weed smoke, and the other, decisively feminine despite their thoroughly covered face, the organizers in the high seats can be seen leaning towards each other to exchange nervous whispers--would this match TRULY be anonymous? Only the audience can decide!

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
Story A: Father's Memoir The dirt roads were weary from boots, hooves, and cart wheels. The small town of Lyrun hadn’t seen this much traffic since the Emperor’s convoy had passed through, almost three decades ago. Every citizen’s ear could discern the march of soldiers, clanking across the dust. Argus Plerian couldn’t hear his armor shifting, his mind was focused on his memories. He heard laughter, birdsong, poorly imitated birdsong—the boys’ first hunting trip. They were so young and innocent back then. He could imagine them now, all teenagers, well on their way to manhood. He wondered whose birthday was coming up; he had lost all track of the current day over the course of the last campaign. “Halt!” The commissar’s cry echoed down the narrow streets. The soldiers were at attention in an instant. “Your service to the Lionsmane army will not be forgotten, and our sacrifices will be forever remembered. You have heeded the call to arms, and stood tall in your line of duty. The war is not over, but your part is. Hail Benevolence!” “Hail Benevolence!” Came a resounding response. Just like that, Argus was free. He was already salivating, thinking about Valerie’s baking. Not once during the campaign had he tasted a pie, or anything that could rival his wife’s cooking. He wouldn’t feed his cows the gruel he’d tasted on the frontlines. He imagined steam wafting from the pie and shouldered his spear and shield. As he sped up, his sword’s holster clattered against gleaming armored plates. His ranch was a ways out of town, but the trip seemed especially long today. Argus was sweating in his gear, taking long strides across weeds, dirt, and rocks. It didn’t seem like there was as much cart traffic here as when business was booming. He wondered if any of the boys had gone off into the world, started their own business. Yuro had it in him, as the eldest and most hardheaded. Perhaps Rivin had gone off to college—Argus secretly hoped this was true, the boy had too much of a knack for knowledge to live his life out here. Finally, the familiar sight of his very own house came into view. He’d slept under foreign roofs for countless nights, and under the stars for even more. He wanted to scream, to yell to his wife and kids, to show them his badge of honor. He patted his breastplate, as if he could feel through it. He knew that the Award for Grandiose Patriotism and Honor was within, a testament to his achievements in battle. He could still feel the sweat on his brow, the flesh rending in wake of his sword, the relentless glare of the Sun. He even remembered the exact moment that would be cited on his Award: climbing a mountain to reach an enemy formation’s flank and proceeding to roll boulders down upon them. He barely escaped, arrows and spells hurtling after him. The enemy contingent was fractured by such a sudden blow, and ended up retreating shortly thereafter. That day was snowy, a stark contrast to the blue skies of today, framing majestic trees, cheerful leaves waving in the wind. The specimens surrounding his house had grown a noticeable bit in his absence, and some branches were now caressing the various buildings of the ranch.. He felt disbelief as his porch was finally beneath his feet. It had been so long. “Argus! You have returned!” A delighted squeal came from behind Argus. He spun around to see Valerie. Her features had aged, undoubtedly. There were crow’s feet stretching from her gorgeous green eyes, and he could see wrinkles on her forehead more clearly. Nonetheless, her figure was slender, delicate, and hugging him even more lovingly than when he left. “I’ve not simply returned,” Argus said. “I’ve brought honor home with me.” Without so much as stepping into the house, he took off his breastplate, allowing a piece of paper to fall out, and into Argus’ clutch. He handed the clean, white message to his wife, and she tore the imperial seal aside and began reading. Her eyes widened to saucer size as she processed the Award. “Argy, you’re a blessed war hero! How you overcame the daemon forces so bravely is beyond me. It’s making me a little excited, knowing what a man my husband is. I was starting to worry that you would never come back, just like them—but no, you did!” She planted a kiss on Argus’ lips before he could utter any response. They shared a passionate few seconds of silence before Argus pulled back. “Wait, where are the boys? I was sure that they would hear this commotion by now!” Valerie stared through his pupils, her beautiful eyes steely. Her face paled, as if she’d seen a ghost. Suddenly, she burst into heaving, wet sobs. Argus tried to comfort her: he stroked her head, holding it to his heart, and kissed the soft brown hair. His worst nightmares had been realized, in some cruel twist of fate. How could this be a hero’s welcome? Through the sobs, Valerie pushed phrases. “They came… and they told me… they were with the… the… something imperial… they promised! It was… a promise… we would see… see them all… they said soon… lies! Damned liars!” Argus had never seen her this hysterical. It disconcerted him more than the things he’d seen at the front lines. What happened must have been bad. He ran a hand through Valerie’s hair. She gulped, and kept sobbing. He kissed her forehead, and kept on hugging her. “Argy, Argy, I’m so sorry… I just wanted… a real… real future for… them. What if… it was the army… I hope, hope it was… the mages.” “Shhh, just cry it out Val. They will come back, or we’ll die searching. I fought in this war for them, so they could have a bright, peaceful future. Every day, Val, every day on the front lines, I had to sleep inside a daemon’s corpse, because they hunted by smell, at all hours of day. Even during my rotations outside the front, there were nights that were, well, worse than anything I could have imagined. Cuts and bruises and stabs are nothing compared to instant necrosis, spontaneous combustion, or gods forbid, the skin peeling spell. Val, I thought I could never speak of this war to another soul, but it seems trivial, trivial now. I would fight again if it meant they were back. I would risk having my insides becoming the outside all over again.” Valerie was still crying, a torrent at this point. Argus’ eyes began to leak after a few minutes, and he was crying before long. Yuro, Garren, Rivin, and Fron could be nothing more than names on a list now. Argus had seen many official documents in his time, and chief among them were body counts. Thankfully, the spell Dog Tag forced a corpse to howl out—in a guttural, difficult to understand voice—its birth name, birthplace, and place of death, and was now a staple across mage brigades in every kingdom, albeit with some variations. Argus must have heard thousands, if not a million of these deep, disturbing utterances. In the process, he had looked at their jaw movements just once, before shuddering and deciding to never do so again. “Hey, Argus. Stop crying. Stop crying!” Val sounded commanding now. Argus snapped right out of it. He couldn’t let her see him in such a lowly state. It was pathetic. She couldn’t know how much it all hurt him. She grinned slightly as she spoke, “Argus, there’s no need to cry. I’m crying because I failed as a mother, but you succeeded as a soldier, and a father. Do you remember,” she interrupted herself with a giggle. “Remember when you tried to teach the boys to be a rowing team?” Argus reminisced. It had been a summer day that the sun decided to go full power on. He had spent weeks constructing a rowboat, large enough for more or less six people. The day that the last coat of paint was dry, the whole family went to the nearest lake. They hitched an ox to haul the boat and provisions, and spent the trip in a state of utter ecstasy, despite the sweaty, smelly day, and the horrible team synergy between the brothers, and the eventual capsizing. Argus smiled. “I remember it like yesterday. The water was so much colder than the air, and it felt like we were in a blizzard once we got out and the wind picked up! Fron, the youngest, how did he manage to flip the boat with so much force?” “All I know was that I couldn’t stop laughing. Watching you land in the water with our sons right there is one of my favorite memories. The looks you guys had as the boat was already flipped.” There was a tremendous flash outside the windows. Valerie squeaked and hopped in surprise. “Lightning!” Argus exclaimed. “The day was fair as… you, Val, clear as could be.” Nonetheless, rain thundered against the roof in an instant, and then thunder clattered across the sky, smashing against a blanket of menacing gray clouds. Argus stood on the porch, staring at the onslaught of nearly horizontal rain, when a cold wind danced across his face and arms. He shuddered, and hairs rose on his neck. There was another flash of lightning, but this was right in front of him, and accompanied by a most deafening sound of thunder. Before Argus stood an apparition of the elements: a humanoid whose skin flowed like water, with vapor for hair. “Daemon! Begone!” Argus was put into fight mode instantly. The humanoid shrugged. “Uh, the daemon is gone. I destroyed it on the spot, about five seconds from wrapping a claw around your throat. All that to say—we’ll always be around, at least in spirit, Dad.” It smiled, and thunder and lightning struck again. The ground in front of Argus exploded, and nothing remained but a sizzling crater. Valerie ran outside, confused, disheveled. Argus turned to her, but found that he truly had no words left. Instead, he hugged her.

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago

Both of them were good writing, but story B is what captured my interest the most. Story A started out strong, but then just kinda fizzled out as it progressed. Stoy B, on the other hand, kept me captivated and engaged from beginning to end, and had me cursing the 2,000 word limit.

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
Story B: Noah A certain grimness hung over the porch as he stared ahead at the solid oak door, a pair of straps loosely slipped between his fingers, just barely hovering the bag connected to them above the ground. He took a deep, long breath, trying to figure out what he was going to say. What could he say? What could he possibly say in this situation? Liam wished that his first day back home after being out on the rig for so many months could be on happier terms, rather than brought about by tragedy. His hands were still shaking. They hadn’t stopped since he’d read his wife’s most recent letter… and now, on the other side of that door… Hesitating, he brought his knuckle up and forward and gently tapped the door a few times, a sharp series of clicks that got him an immediate response. The handle of the door made its own clicking sound, being unlocked, before it creaked open. “Oh, Liam,” a soft voice welcomed him from within. There stood Yvette, just as he remembered her. Yvette was a lovely woman, with skin as pale as milk, and long, straight hair as black as the night. She threw her arms around him and planted a brief, yet full kiss on his cheek, holding him tightly. Liam was surprised by the greeting, but hugged her back anyway, feeling the warmth of her cream-colored sweater against his arms. He began to sob. Their relationship was an unusual one, it was something he’d accepted the day they’d met, nine years ago. She’d been perfectly honest with him about her social condition- that she could have difficulties getting truly attached, that she didn’t even love her parents, and that if they were together, she would likely never love him either. Foolishly, in his youth, Liam had just taken it as a challenge, emptied his pockets on every romantic date idea he could think of, yet he’d still to this day never seen that spark in her eyes. He’d known about it the day they’d met, he’d known about it on their wedding day, he’d known about it the day he’d left for work months ago and it didn’t seem like she was going to miss him at all… He’d known about it the day their son Noah was born, when he’d gotten his hopes up that them becoming a family would be the missing piece, only for her to break his heart with six simple, devastating words in that hospital room. “I don’t feel like a mom.” “Really? Not even a little? He’s so cute,” he’d replied with a small, sad smile, cooing at their newborn son as Yvette held him. “Could you take him?” she’d then asked through a tired yawn. “Oh- yeah, of course.” …that was a long time ago. He’d reprimanded himself many times for getting his expectations up. All he knew was that he loved her, and… it was okay if she was never going to say it back to him. It wore on him, and it hurt, but he would survive. At least, he thought he’d survive. He was unsure now, now that the thing that had been holding him together was just gone. “Is he, um…” Liam sniffed, shocked. She’d never hugged him before, or kissed him like that- not for real. In their nine-year relationship, the only hugs and kisses she’d initiated had been awkward, stiff, only happening because she figured she was ‘supposed to.’ She didn’t seem to be very upset… so where was this coming from? Was this… empathy? “Where is he?” he asked. “Liam, please,” Yvette’s usually soulless eyes twinkled at him after he pulled away, thin lips curled into a frown. “Don’t ask questions,” she suggested, slowly shaking her head. “I have to,” his voice broke, not able to meet her gaze, staring down at his own clothes. They were more like rags at this point, torn and worn and stained and permanently scented like stale oil and seawater. He hadn’t had time to change- since he’d gotten that letter, his only mission had been to come home. “...my son’s dead.” “Come inside,” Yvette suggested, pulling at his wrists with a fondness in her voice. Liam couldn’t quite process this caring side of her, it just felt unnatural. Halfheartedly, he stumbled into the house behind her, wiping at his eyes with a grungy sleeve. “I missed you, Liam,” she spoke quietly in her alluring accent, turning her head to smile. It was strange. For almost a full decade, including throughout five years of marriage, he’d been waiting to hear her say something like that. He hated that he was only hearing it during the one time when it didn’t make him happy, and there was nothing that could make him happy. “I’m, uh, surprised to hear you say that,” he finally admitted, trying to mask his lack of enthusiasm. “Didn’t you get my letters?” she asked. “I’ve been begging you to come home for months now.” “I did,” he admitted, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I figured you were just saying things without meaning them. To make me happy.” “I meant every word.” They sat at the couch, the piece of furniture creaking heavily. They’d been meaning to get a new one for years, this one was all out of sorts thanks to Noah’s constant belly-flopping onto the cushions. Everywhere Liam looked, he was reminded of his son. Like a lingering spirit in every corner of the house. It didn’t help matters that he hadn’t had a wink of sleep in three days now. “How was it out there?” Yvette wondered, placing her hands on his. “You promised to tell me more about that dead body you pulled in.” Liam’s eyes widened. He’d completely forgotten that he’d written to her about that- and now, it was rushing back in excruciating detail. The nasty heap of flesh, both infected and infested, loose skin, teeth marks… She wasn’t the most socially aware person, but Liam was perplexed by her decision to bring that up right now of all times. “Yvette, dear, that’s… can you see how that might be inappropriate to talk about right now?” he offered her the most patient smile he could muster, even if he was feeling some hints of anger beneath his exhausted expression. “I just thought it would be good for us to talk,” Yvette blinked innocently. “I missed the sound of your voice… I didn’t realize how much I liked it, until I couldn’t hear it anymore…” the oddly flirtatious tone of her voice trickled through the air, as she crawled forward toward him, cupping his face with her hands and staring into his eyes. “Yvette, I…” he swallowed, not in the mood for this. “We can’t just gloss over it, okay? I’m- I’m really hurting right now. And I know, on some level, you have to be hurting too. We have to talk about it.” “We don’t,” Yvette insisted. “I’ve been away. I don’t know what happened, or when, or how, or why, or anything. Please don’t make this harder for me, I’m begging you. Just tell me what happened to my son,” he said, his eyes dripping with moisture, down his cheeks and onto her wrists. “What if the answer would destroy you?” she whispered, tilting her head slightly. “What if you couldn’t bear it, Liam?” “Huh?” “What if he just… couldn’t take it, his father being away for so long? What if that’s the answer? You might be better off not knowing.” “What are you…” Liam was puzzled, his brain running at half its usual efficiency as he tried to decipher the intent behind her words. When it finally dawned on him, his eyes widened, and his voice trembled. “You mean to tell me my seven-year-old boy… killed himself because I was gone?” “I didn’t say that,” Yvette quickly corrected, not seeming to feel even a percent of the emotion that her husband was. “But what if that WAS what happened? See, you might not want to know after all. It might hurt too much.” “I can’t believe you,” he whispered, shaking his head. “You know what? I can’t believe you either,” the irritated wife suddenly hissed, glaring daggers at him. “It takes your son dying for you to finally come home.” “You- I-I’m not doing this,” Liam cleared his throat, filled with a boiling heat in his gut. He had to get away from her right now before he started seeing red, all his sorrows turned to impatient rage in an instant. “I’m not playing this game- this is disgusting- Christ-” he spat as he tore his gaze away from her, stomping out of the living room and down the hall, his eyes laser-focused on the door at the end of it. Noah’s room. He had to look at it. A part of him really hoped that maybe, just maybe, he’d open that door, and his son would be in there- perfectly fine, and everything would be okay. His hand quivered against the doorknob for a few moments, before he finally summoned the courage to open it, pushing the slab of oak inward and peering into the darkness. There, at the far end of the room, on Noah’s bed… someone was there. “Noah?!” a choked-up Liam called out, his hand scrambling across the painted wall for the lightswitch, fumbling at it for a few seconds before finally succeeding. The room lit up, and… Immediately, Liam vomited on the ground, completely emptying his guts of every bit of food he’d managed to get down over the past few days. He fell to his knees in a puddle of his own filth, a foul, rotten, and sour flavor assaulting his tongue. Through dizzied eyes, he once again looked at the bed, where the torn-apart man laid. It was the very same body they’d managed to pull in, back on the oil rig. Of course, at the time, they hadn’t realized exactly what it was- it was only after they’d retrieved it that the sickening hunk of remains could be identified. The bloating, the waxiness, the rot- the sight and smell battled against his mind, ripping apart his sanity once again. He’d thought he’d never have to see something so vile again, but now, here it was- in his home. For the briefest of moments, he managed to look away, and when his gaze returned, the body was gone. “Just…” he gasped for air, feeling like he was suffocating in that moment, hearing the clicking of Yvette’s shoes behind him. “Please tell me… what happened to my boy…” “You wouldn’t be able to handle the answer.” That line again. His hands curled into fists- but then, something… clicked. A lot came rushing back to him all at once- words she had said to him… “I don’t feel like a mom…” “Don’t ask questions...” “You might be better off not knowing...” “It took your son dying for you to finally come home…” The pieces were connecting in his tired head. He stared at her with wide, unblinking eyes. He knew she was an oddball, she always had been, but the theory he’d just cooked up in his head- could his Yvette really be capable of that…? “Tell me what happened to my son, or else,” he growled at her, his jaw clenched tightly. He hadn’t even realized that he’d caught a chunk of his cheek between it, the taste of blood filling his mouth as he began to see red. “I’m going to my parents’ house,” an uninterested Yvette said simply, staring down at him like he was a piece of roadkill. Her shoes clicked along the distance of the hallway, and then just like that, she disappeared through the front door. “Stop…I have to know…” he mumbled through his hateful tears, some seconds after she was already gone, pulling himself to his feet, trying to remember where he kept his gun. “I’d kill to know.”

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago

I would like to apologize to everyone for being a no show. I honestly did not mean to. I have been looking forward to it since the last one ended. What ended up happening is that I didn't see the notification saying I was pinged, thus I missed it and didn't submit anything. I'd still be clueless had Alien not been messaging me asking me about how it was going. I was very confused. ...Then I was very upset with myself. I was such an idiot and really stupid. 

So, again. I apologize to everyone, essentially Wizzy. You were promised a duel against a noob and the chance too beat one to a pulp and you didn't. So I am truly sorry. Thus...I have a proposal....

 

WizzyCat I challenge you to a make up duel, to keep that promise that I unintentionally broke, and a chance for me to redeem myself. Rules are still the same as and Thunderdome duel. What do you say?

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
So weird, no idea how that happens. You and I were in discussion about the dates, I responded and picked one that actually favored your request over Wizzy's. Then tagged you guys and watched you spend the next days replying to every other post made anywhere on the forum. Somehow everyone else knew you were in this match, but oh well.


If he's up for a rematch at some point, then sure, but we've got the next couple already scheduled so you'll need to wait a bit.

Honestly though, you've got exactly one enemy listed in your profile, I wonder if the people would rather see your duel him instead.

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago

I feel so bad about all of it..! T^T If Wizzy does accept, I'll be really happy, because, in all honesty, I know I'll most likely lose to him, but I don't care because I want to make things right. 

I guess the Curse of Thunderdome 13 got me in the end... Lol XD T^T

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago

I personally advise that this hypothetical "duel" wait until after the contest is over.

Normally it wouldn't matter too much, but with how little writing Ravenic has done for it, the last thing she needs is another distraction...

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
And as usual, vote here:

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
Commended by Mizal on 7/19/2024 8:23:19 AM

Both were interesting reads! but I found myself more invested and wanting more from story B. Maybe it was to do with the greater suspense over what really happened to their son—the cliffhanger. The touch of the wife being cold and the overall family dynamic being broken also strikes home for a lot of people. The trauma and neglect the husband obviously feels from his wife's coldness is palpable. A lot of people go home to someone who doesn't even love them—who, in reality, has grown rather cold and indifferent to them—only together out of convenience. A man trying to seduce a woman out of challenge and ego is also a rather common theme and thing we see in real life, so id say for those reasons, i just felt story B more and was invested in what was going to happen next (presumably a torture scene of the wife to find out). 

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
Commended by Mizal on 7/19/2024 8:24:03 AM

I vote for Story B!

I might come back and explain in more detail why later, but for now I'll say that I just liked how Story B flowed, was structured, and what happened in it a lot more than Story A! It cut to the heart of just being a good, simple, and well paced drama story that got me feeling suspenseful the whole way through! Meanwhile Story A just didn't really have that going for it, felt a little more all over the place/scattered in comparison to Story B.

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago

Honestly, I don't think that you should explain more.  This vote was concise and complete while still providing the reasoning behind your choice.  An added bonus is that there are no ellipses anywhere in it.  I vote that you leave it as it is and be content at a task well done.

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
Commended by Mizal on 7/19/2024 8:24:11 AM

These were actually both solid Thunderdome entries. I found it interesting that the prompt was regarding something that changed after a character had been gone a long time, and both stories revolved around something happening with the character's children.

Story A: Things I liked: I felt this story started out solidly. Father and soldier returning home a hero only to find all his kids were taken/conscripted.  Nice.  High expectations meets severe traumatic experience. I thought this beginning started out well.

 What I didn't like:  For me, some of the emotions just seemed a little flat.  I would have expected the father to exhibit a bit of anger at those that took his kids while he was out being a hero - not just tenderness and weeping.  Also, some of the ways the demons interacted just didnt make a lot of sense.  He hid in demon corpses, but at the end never saw the one that was coming for him. Presumably he knows what demons look like (I mean he climbed inside them), but mistook a humanoid figure that turned out to be one of his sons to be one. There was a lot that just got dumped fast without explanation. Also, I felt that the wife prompting a memory of a row boat was a bit out of place in that situation.

Story B: What a twisted nasty psycho Yvette was. I liked how this one developed and built and left us with a bit of a cliffhanger. The emotions came through, and when you realize that Yvette is all excited, charged up and alive because she killed off her kid, it really shows how warped she truly is. Nice job on a Thunderdome entry.

My vote is for STORY B

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
I thought that similarity was cool too, considering these could've covered anything from the typical small town nostalgia to the return of Odysseus to the razing of the Shire. Makes it much less of an apples and oranges comparison than some of these duels.

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago

Story B

I found story A to be lacking. Both were very well written, but story B caught my attention longer. It left me on the cliffhanger with some actual tension. I did like the use of backstory and dialogue in story A, but it didn't do enough.

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
Commended by Mizal on 7/19/2024 8:24:19 AM

My vote is for Story B.

Both of these short stories really knocked it out of the park for me. Story A's framework really reminded me of the Warhammer 40K universe and how glory for the Imperium of Man is desired and yet children can really just be taken for the sake of the war effort. With my somewhat casual understanding of the universe, while more hardcore fans might not share this opinion, I could see this short story fitting in as a decent sub story. It's well written, the character's come through well on the page and the ending is fine.

Story B manages to have a good handle on characters as well, but with a more engaging hook. Yvette's psychopathy is introduced and paced well and help paints a gruesome picture of what probably happened to Noah. We're never explicitly told what happened, but the audience is given credit to make an educated guess, which I love. Story B edges out the competition by a more engaging ending, but it was a good competition nonetheless.

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
b

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
Commended by Mizal on 7/19/2024 8:24:27 AM

Both absolutely good stories and you both should be proud of the pieces you put here today.

Story A: It started off great. I can relate because the Army has taken me away from my family for an extended period of time. 100% can relate to his emotions leading up to Val entering the story. This is where the story kind of lost me. Val choking up about the sons and everything - fine there. However, the MC's infodump of his war experience doesn't really fit. They're talking about their boys and he word vomits his experience in war, which as a vet there are plenty of things I wouldn't tell my wife about. Talking about war and the experience with it is a truly traumatic thing and I don't think I would be able to openly talk to someone who just wouldn't understand - wife or some other. Maybe some people do it, but for me I couldn't see it happening. She pivots this moment with giggling about a memory of their kids. It just doesn't fit right. The range of emotions is just all over the place. Wife tells Husband kids are gone/dead, Husband infodumps wartime, Wife makes them both laugh and smile because of a memory. If I came home and my kids were gone/dead - I don't think I would easily be smiling.

Story B: Great pacing, great dialogue. Everyone else really shares the same thoughts I have about this story, but I'll reiterate anyways. I think its a perfect complete package all the way through. It sticks to the prompt and I couldn't really fault it for anything. I read this next to my son and it made me realize I would absolutely murder my wife if I came home to that scenario. No hesitation.

My vote goes to Story B.

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
Story A

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
Commended by Mizal on 7/18/2024 9:23:15 PM
both were good, and pretty similar honestly. I liked the character of Yvette though, she sounds like the type of woman I would date and get destroyed by therefore ruining me and making me completely unsuitable for dating anyone else.

What I'm trying to say is, I vote for Yvette. That is to say, B.

Thunderdome 13 continued: Ravenic vs Wizzycat!

2 months ago
Commended by Mizal on 7/18/2024 9:02:41 PM

Disclaimer: Take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, like all my reviews, this one will contain spoilers, so please read the stories (and vote) before glancing at this.

Story A

Right off the bat, this story makes good use of showing instead of telling. The protagonist’s longing to be back with his family was effectively conveyed through nostalgic details like his boys’ first hunting trip and his wife’s baking. There was a brief description of the dangerous situations he had been in during the war, contrasting the current familiarity of his home. 

One of the story’s strengths is the emotional weight of the boys’ death. I particularly liked the line, “How could this be a hero’s welcome?” This rhetorical question felt quite raw and emotional. After all he had done and achieved, he had yet another large issue to deal with.  The protagonist’s declaration that he fought the war for his boys adds to the emotional reaction. Both parents did what they could to create the best future for their children, only to find their efforts in vain. Yet, the sudden shift to Valerie and Argus laughing felt a bit out of place, considering the extent of their grief. I get that the boat memory was meant to foreshadow one of the boys’ supernatural abilities, but both times it was mentioned, it kind of felt forced. There wasn’t anything that prompted the first mention or the second.

It had quite a lot of cool worldbuilding details sprinkled in, such as the existence of daemon and spelled dog tags. Still, these weren’t touched upon too much, which is understandable given the word restraints of this contest. I liked the descriptions of the powerful storm, used as a pathetic fallacy before turning into an omen of the daemon.

Now, as for the plot twist, I liked the concept but the execution was slightly confusing. The son says he just destroyed the daemon on the spot. Yet, there was only one humanoid figure described: the son. This just made me confused about whether the figure described was the daemon that the son killed, or the son himself. If the son was meant to be a daemon from the start, perhaps adding in a bit more foreshadowing might make the plot twist more satisfying. A perfect moment would have been the description of the sons; while the ending implies that Fron is the daemon, the protagonist only considered the futures of Yuro and Rivin. Maybe he could have mentioned a tendency Fron had, which matched something in his later description of fighting the daemons.

Overall, it’s a solid story and I rather enjoyed reading it. But it would have benefitted from streamlining the narrative a bit more, perhaps by removing/ shortening some unnecessary descriptions to save words for the ending.

Story B

This story begins with a more character-focused approach. The protagonist returns home and thinks about what he can say to his wife. There’s the implication that a terrible situation occurred, along with a reference to a letter, and these unanswered questions pique the reader’s curiosity. 

After a description of Yvette, there is a brief infodump about their relationship, though it’s excusable given the limited word count and it’s made to be relevant to the story. She’s characterized as someone who could never love—perhaps a narcissist? Either way, the protagonist fell for her despite this ‘condition’, even going as far as to marry her and have a child together.

Throughout the narrative, there’s the undertone of dread; a sense that something will soon go horribly wrong. He hugged her despite never having done so before. The choice of diction adds to this—Yvette is described as having “soulless eyes” and her affection is “unnatural”. And the earlier characterization of their relationship is a great way of juxtaposing her current actions. This story stretches out suspense for a long time, as the protagonist tries to find out the answer to what happened to his son, while Yvette consistently tries to distract him with displays of ‘love’.

This dynamic kept me invested throughout the story. The protagonist had a clear goal and a clear opposition. Even though I guessed the twist early on due to the foreshadowing, it was interesting watching the protagonist attempt to figure it out by first grappling with her lie, then checking the room. Only then did he come to the realization of what had happened. I didn’t foresee the second part, though: that the child was the same body he pulled out of the rig. In a way, the open ending makes sense as readers would have already come to the same conclusion.

Both of these were amazing stories and the authors should feel proud of their accomplishments. But ultimately, I have to vote for Story B.

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2 months ago
Story B

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2 months ago

I just wanted to say that Story B is one of the better Thunderdome entries that I have read.

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2 months ago

A was interesting, I am a sucker for medieval shit, but something about the dialogue lost me. B, however, managed to arrest my attention despite something about the premise feeling like a visual novel. Very creepy and interesting, B has my vote.

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2 months ago
The battle was brief but fierce. The author of Story A was struck to the ground, and their opponent struck their mask aside. There was a gasp from those assembled. Crowd favorite @WizzyCat had lost!?

The victor slowly tugged off their own mask, revealing (after suitable dramatic pause) beneath it...a brown bag with eye holes cut in it!

"But what happened to Ravenic?" some of the bystanders wanted to know. (Not many, but one or two. Maybe. Just go with it.)

"Oh. Oh gosh." Sherbet paused and fidgeted a little, seeming oddly embarrassed. "Well. The challenge had already been sent, and I found her outside the arena, chattering away not a care in the world. I just meant to bring her to the match but...but...I'm sorry, I was soooo hungry, and all I could think about was that her phrenology type looked just like a ripe papaya!"

With what might be a mortified expression (it's hard to tell, that's a bag there) he buried his face-bag in his hands and fled the arena. And from that day forward, the legend of Sherbet the Fruit Goblin grew, mothers telling misbehaving children how he'd eat their skulls if they posted all day and never responded to tags about writing.

Congrats to @Sherbet for Story B and thanks for stepping up! And thanks to Wizzy for not just being willing to enter twice in a row, but for being dependable and consistently putting out some quality stories as well.

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2 months ago

Congrats Sherbet!

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2 months ago

Congrats Sherb! Really nice work 

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2 months ago
Congrats to Sherbet out of nowhere!

And yes, what happened to Ravenic?

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2 months ago
She made 2000 words of posts in the wrong thread.

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2 months ago
Commended by Mizal on 7/19/2024 8:25:30 AM

I knew, from the moment I finished reading Sherb's story, that I was fucked. I liked it more than my own story in all honesty! It had me scratching my head, wondering how the hell Raven pulled off this endeavor. Finally, I can breathe a sigh of relief in knowing that I was cooked by a real chef, and not a chatty child.

Congrats Sherb, you deserved it!

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2 months ago

Wow, that was unexpected. Like the stories, this match had a plot twist. Congrats to Sherb on the win! And well done to Wizzy for the really strong entry. 

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2 months ago
Yahoo!

Thanks to everyone who voted, and excellent job to Wizzy for not only submitting a quality story, but for once again proving to be reliable and good.

This was my first serious writing since I finished Reborn, I think. It felt good to get back into it, and I'm glad people seemed to enjoy!

Now where did I put that fruit salad...

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2 months ago

I hope to do a thunderdome one day, sounds fun, and good job for your victory. *clap* *clap*

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2 months ago

I'll step into the arena again if we feel the need for another fight before August. My schedule becomes a bit more full after that but either way I'm sure I'll find some time.

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2 months ago

Id love to vs you! 

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2 months ago
I could put up a prompt tonight if you're both good for it. But then after that we'll probably shutter the arena a couple weeks until Darius and Holman can duel. Always seems like a lot of response to these for a few weeks and then a sharp dropoff in voter interest for a bit, so I'll be wanting to space these out.

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2 months ago

yeah, no worries! a prompt to start working on tonight is fine by me. I'll probably have it done within a day lol

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2 months ago

This time, I'll make sure to vote properly.

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2 months ago

Works for me

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2 months ago

Congratulations Sherbet! Kudos to you as well Wizzy!

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2 months ago
Congratulations to both of you for the quality stories! I'm surprised in how disappointed I am that Ravenic couldn't be bothered to show up. But, I guess that's what happens when you hang out with the wrong crowd.

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2 months ago

I was an accident that I didn't show up. T^T I was really looking forward to this and was more than willing to clear my schedule, but I didn't even see that I got pinged! T^T

Scroll up a bit to see more. T^T

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2 months ago

Don't worry. There'll be other chances. Thunderdome isn't going anywhere. 

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2 months ago

Why don't you duel Ford though 

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2 months ago

*gasp* 

Ben....you brilliant man....! :O

That would have to wait until I duel Wizzy again. (See up more)

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2 months ago

Well... it was actually Mizal's idea first. 

 

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2 months ago

Really? :o

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2 months ago

In another thread she said something about you going up against the member you recently added as an enemy. Went to your profile page and there he was lol

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2 months ago
You agreed to do a second match, and then became so hyperfocused on making compulsive low content shitposts for days that you did not, that's still what it comes down to.

Still waiting to see how that contest game turns out.

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2 months ago

I was making comments cause I didn't know I had something else I was supposed to do. T^T

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2 months ago

To be fair, you did enter the contest 

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2 months ago
Yes, I see you have made an excuse for yourself. There are other threads on this forum other than your shitposting thread. Surely you know this since you've participated in them before. You also knew Miz was planning your duel with Wizzy since you talked to her about it one of the other duel threads. So, yeah, "I didn't know! :(" and blaming it on a missed notification sounds more like willful ignorance than anything genuine to me. Admitting that you didn't pay attention/ignored the duel threads would've felt much more genuine. But, hey, at least I can say I'm more irritated than disappointed now!

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2 months ago
Oh well, there's always the Crisis contest!

@Ravenic_Virtue
There is a Crisis contest btw, and you're in it. I hope this information is useful to you.

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2 months ago

Great job both of you. Real great pieces of writing.

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2 months ago
Commendations, points, all that for both sets of duels I'll sort out tomorrow, I'm real sleepy right now lol.

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2 months ago
b