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Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
In one corner we have Darius Conwright, multi time competitor here in the 'Dome, author of six lengthy and well regarded storygames, and a seventh he unpublished after three ratings for absolutely no reason! He enjoys long walks by the dikes, drawing, being an Asian tryhard, windmills and tulips, reading femboy dating sims (but only for the articles!) and the company of his sister. In the other corner we have Ben Holman, up and comer edgelord with two storygames! His hobbies include calling people faggots, drawing the name 'Endmaster' on his stomach with a heart around it, and wearing too much eyeliner with his all black wardrobe. Darius and Ben came in second and third place, respectively, in Will's review contest! (after Mystic who was obviously going to win, no one else had a chance for even a moment, why did we even call that a contest it was literally a months long farce lmaao) And now here they are in the THUNDERDOME, ready to see who will wow the crowd and claim ULTIMATE VICTORY among the edgy middle school boys and white supremacists who are 100% the only people who use this site, apparently.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Story A: 07/21/1903 I must admit, my journey hasn't quite gone to plan. When my feet first touched the deck of the Odyssey, I had grand dreams of doing fantastic works in the name of Jesus Christ, teaching his word and love to the Indian people. No doubt inspired by my zealous reading of the works produced by John Peter Jones. The seminary this man has created, the miracles he has performed for the Indian people in the name of God and church... If I were to put stock in the Indian idea of reincarnation, I would say this man is the Apostle Thomas returned. I planned to reach the shores of India and immediately begin converting the locals. The souls that cry out for nourishment, not knowing what they yearn for. I would bring them the Word of God, and it would be their bread and water. Admittedly, after two months at sea, these plans and dreams had been somewhat dampened. We were rounding the southern coast of Africa, and while we were due to stop in the port of Durban in a few days for some much needed supplies, I found myself praying more than a few times for something to break the utter blandness of hardtack and beer, the monotony of looking out at the horizon and seeing the same thing day after day. In hindsight, perhaps I should have been more grateful it wasn't worse, and prayed for our safety instead. The storm arrived around 6 pm. At first, the lightning and rain proved to be a welcome change, a way to relax as I lay across my cot, listening to the music of nature that our Lord had seen fit to create with his Hands. Soon, however, the boat began to rock violently, causing my cot to move away from the wall for a few moments, then slam back into it with a surprising amount of force. With a growing panic, and not wishing to see my belongings strewn across the room, I seized my Holy Bible and my journal, and I wrapped them in cloth and crammed them in my jacket, as I blew out my lantern. Worried, and wishing to know what was happening, I hurried up to the top deck with all due expediency. Upon reaching the top deck, I briefly wondered if we had capsized already, as the crew was wading to their stations in an attempt to keep the ship afloat. Despite my complete lack of sailing experience, I thought perhaps they may be able to use me in some capacity. All hands on deck, as they say. As I began to approach the quartermaster, stumbling through the water up to my knees, I heard a shout that, somehow, was muffled against the storm. Looking over, I saw what could only be described as the largest wave I had ever seen in my life, climbing in height and intensity as it barreled towards the battered Odyssey, reaching for us as if it were the hand of a giant. I felt myself screaming, yet I could not hear anything over the roar of the ocean, as it smashed into us with the force of a hammer, the raw force of it casting myself and countless men into the black abyss below. Once I was in the ocean, the situation became even more impossibly dire, if such a thing could be considered. I found myself spinning and thrashing without anchor nor direction, and as I blacked out, I wondered why I could not see the light of my eternal resting place, for I was certain it was my time. When I awoke, my entire body was wracked in pain, and my face stung as though it had been swarmed by bees. It seems saltwater and sunburn is an unpleasant combination. When I sat up to take in my surroundings, I immediately fell onto my side, coughing and retching, as my lungs expelled the last of the sea. I lay there, dazed, before a realization took hold of me: in order to feel pain and vomit, both biological functions necessary to aid survival, I had to be alive. What, then, could possibly ruin my joy? The Lord had delivered me! My purpose was not yet fulfilled! I tell you, I would have jumped for joy if I was capable of doing so. Alas, my ribs still felt as though they had been beaten with a mallet. Once my initial reaction to this wonderful news faded, I began to reflect upon the gravity of my situation. After all, I had no idea where I was. If there was not some kind of water source nearby, I would die of thirst. And hunger? No, no. Whatever else, there had to be birds or turtles... some kind of food source. I began to look around. There was a large group of trees to the back of me. Tropical plants. These require lots of water, which meant there had to be a water source nearby, or at least rainfall. What they were doing so far from the Equator, I still have no idea... although to be honest, it's entirely possible, although unsettling, that the ocean may have carried me a great distance. I decider then that fire must be my first goal. I would need light once it got dark, and with no matches, I would need to create a fire with a stick and plough, which would no doubt take hours. After all, I was a man of faith, not of the wild. With muttered prayers and hours of constant encouragement to the small embers I had managed to conceive, a fire finally burst to life, just as the sun was setting. The view of the sunset's light across the water looked as though there were flames streaking across it, matched in a flawless dance with the flame I had made. I carefully unwrapped my Holy Bible, and my journal. My Bible was completely unharmed, if a little wet. Further evidence of the strength of God, as if my survival alone was not enough. Praise Him! My journal, unfortunately, did not fare so well. While it had been in roughly the same state as the Bible, my writings over the last few months, from the day I purchased it in a London shop to just a few hours before the storm that swept me away, had become smeared across the paper, illegible. Thankfully, once both books had dried, I was able to take a small stick, and used it to scrape ash out of the fire, hence why I am writing this now. I am grateful to be alive, and in such circumstances, the situation could indeed be much worse. However, I cannot help but be concerned. How long will I be here? Will I eventually go mad, destined to be alone? 7/22/1903 The Lord always has a plan, and my being here is part of it! Today, I woke up, thirsting so deeply I awoke thinking a stray coal from the fire had wandered down my throat. Thankfully not. After throwing more kindling upon it, and building a stockpile of firewood for when I got back, I proceeded to enter into the forest, searching for a water source. As much as I hate the nasty little buggers, within ten minutes of entering, a swarm of mosquitoes began to bite at me. While I began to swat them away, fearing malaria, I remembered something very important: mosquitoes usually nest near bodies of water. For there to be this many... Tearing through the forest as if I had been possessed, I soon stumbled upon the water in question. Although perhaps "stumbled in" would be more accurate, as I quite literally landed into the water with a large splash. For a brief moment, I was wary. The water was still, which meant a higher risk of disease. Then I began to drink my fill, cupping the water into my mouth, disregarding the bites forming down my arms. After all, those parasites must drink from the same water supply, and they had bitten me many times over. I decided I would find a way to carry the water down to my fire and boil it. Perhaps carrying a homemade torch to produce smoke would scare them away? Once I was no longer completely focused on the desire to sate my thirst, a fact made itself readily apparent: I was not alone. Watching me nearby were two natives, with skin the color of red clay and white skull facepaint. Their dumbfoundee expressions amd lack of modern dress only cemented their status in my mind. While I was taken aback at first, I realized there was an opportunity present. After all, had I not been on a voyage to save souls? What makes these people any different from the Indians in need of salvation? Perhaps even more so! After all, I did not see anybody else on this island preaching the Gospel. "Friends!" I called out to them, flashing them a wide smile that won over so many of my fellowship back in London, and spreading my arms in a gesture of goodwill. "I love you! And Jesus loves you! And his Father in Heaven has sent me to teach you his word, so that you may be with him forever in the Kingdom of Heaven!" They shot me with an arrow. I have quite a strong constitution, and am empowered by the strength of God. Therefore, I am slightly ashamed to admit that at this time, the sinful flesh took over my mind, and I thought of nothing but my own safety as I fled back to camp. Once I arrived, and had gotten the arrow out, I began to ruminate on the possibilities. After all, had Simon the Zealot not been cut in half? Had Saint Peter not followed the Lord Jesus in death with crucifixion, only requesting to be killed upside down as he was not worthy to be compared to Christ? How, then, could I claim to serve God when all it took to frighten me away was a single arrow to the shoulder? Now, as I write, I have made up my mind. I will ignore my hunger. I will ignore my pain. I will go to search for these natives, and I will lead them to salvation. The Good Shepherd does not abandon his flock. ———————————————————————————————————————————————————— Once the women had finished shaving and disemboweling the body of the Pale One, Chief Wawan gave the order for it to be spitroasted and placed over the fire with a wave of his hand. His mouth was salivating at the thought of such delicious meat. Occasionally, one of the Pale Ones, devils from the other side, wandered onto their land with the intent of corrupting their way of life. Of course, the only way to prevent such corruption was through ritual sacrifice, consecration through burning, and then devouring the flesh. The Old Gods aided the people in their own way: by making the Pale Ones so succulent and tender. Truly, were he not a spiritual man, he would wish they would come more often. One of the people had brought him a strange item. It was black, with a golden symbol on it. Two crossed lines, and words in a language he could not understand. No matter. The people could use another way to wipe down their faces and hands after they ate in order to save the much softer palm fronds for the next time they needed to relieve themselves. O how the Old Gods provided! With a chipped smile, Chief Wawan began to tear the pages from the book and disperse them to the people.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Story B: The Woes of a Mother The waves should have buried her. Wicked storms, the howl of a dying ship as its hulk got mercilessly pierced by sea stacks, and above all the wrath of the Sea Gods, should have extinguished that one flicker of life. During that cursed night, Aya jumped, pulling someone with her to the depths of the Great Sea. As a distinguished seaman, she should've pleaded harder to the Gods to show mercy upon her soul. She should've held her breath and not let the water overflood her lungs. Yet, as she became more and more part of the Great Sea, the voice of her beloved daughter grew stronger. It had been ten years since she heard that boisterous spirit this clearly, ten years since her Angelica took her last voyage towards the end of the Great Sea. No sailor nor captain had seen her and her crew ever since. They said that 'this foolish girl' steered her ship into a sea stack and got swallowed in the waves, but Aya knew that Angelica would someday return to her. Despite the heaviness of her limbs, Aya's heart never felt this light before. See, Angelica was right here saying, "Captain, Captain!" while tugging on her arm. Her daughter always did that when she was little. She was such a shy little kid, always hiding behind her when they walked outside. It was the sea that pulled her out of her shell. Whenever a new ship landed on the docks, she would point at a particularly big one and say with the goofiest grin that she would take this ship to the end of the Great Sea and come back with the greatest treasure that the kingdom had ever seen, something so amazing that one's eyes would burn when they take a mere glance at it. "Captain, captain, please wake-" Aya had thought for many sleepless nights about what she would say to Angelica. Would she scold her for pursuing that suicidal dream of hers? Would she demand her to abandon a life at sea altogether and settle down in the countryside like a lady of her age should? Keep sweet and obey. Then again, Angelica could never be tied down, that stubborn brat. Still, Aya always wanted to say- As she opened her mouth, her throat, lungs, and soul burnt. The seawater in her eyes blurred the thin line between the sea and the horizon. Her hand grasped on anything that would ground her. Sand, rough sand, and pebbles. Another hand pulled her up. "Captain, dear Gods. I thought, well-" Aya coughed. Her tongue felt dry and her throat was so parched that it was even a struggle to speak. She rubbed her eyes, slowly adjusting to the harsh light. Behind her stood endless stretches of thick mangroves and in front of her the Great Sea as far as her eyes could see. She turned to her First Mate Lou. Part of her vest had been torn up, but beyond a few scratches and frazzled hair, she looked to be fine. That kid twiddled with her thumbs, looking more like a scared rabbit than the supposed experienced sailor her colleague had praised and recommended. Her eyes remained downcast. "Report, now." Aya narrowed her eyes. "As succinct as possible." "You were asleep for two days after we washed up here. I couldn't find anyone else and was unable to locate the ship's wreck. The current is too strong to venture out too far. I did have a flask of water, but it's all gone. There weren’t any supplies that I could salvage except a machete, no rain thus far, and it's too humid to even try to start a fire." She paused. "It's been, you know, I was afraid that you wouldn't ever be waking up and that I would be all by myself." Aya slowly rubbed her temples. They would be in for a long haul. "And deeper in the island?" "I couldn't leave you alone for too long." Lou chewed on her lip as her brows furrowed. "So you sat there wasting valuable time, just staring at a sleeping corpse?" Frustration and tiredness welled up inside her. Her whole body already felt as if it had been through a wringer. Their priority was finding a stable source of fresh water and the thick vegetation behind them indicated that they could find it inland. "Never mind, we'll do that now." Lou's eyes widened. "C-captain, but how would other ships find us then?" "They'll only find our corpses if we wait here any longer." "But-" As always Lou was sputtering again. She’d been like this during the entire voyage, constantly questioning every little decision Aya made and even ignoring or outright disobeying her orders. "But who's the captain?" Aya plucked the machete out of Lou's hand and slashed open a path deeper into the mangroves. She didn't have any energy left to mind this brat. If Lou didn't want to follow her, so be it. A pause, then a small sigh from Lou. "It's you." "Finally." Aya shook her head as she waited for Lou to catch up. Silently they waded through the thick vegetation. Despite them being surrounded by water, all of it was too brackish to drink. Aya drily snorted. Just like the sea. Strangely enough, they didn't encounter any animals. An eerily silence loomed over the mangroves, that only was broken now and then by the water sloshing inside their boots and their legs sinking deeper and deeper into the mud. In some parts, the water came to Aya's chest while the same level reached Lou's hip. Their slouched march seemed to go on with no end in sight. Aya looked up. A slight sliver of the sky peaked through the branches and leaves. The stark morning blue had been changed from a sickly orange. None of their watches survived the storm, but for a brief moment, Aya could hear the thrums of the hand of a clock. Each tug of breath seemed to douse her throat in poison and light it on fire, but the hypothetical relief she saw everywhere would make matters worse. Salt water was no good. She noticed scratch marks on the bark of some trees and scraps of torn hemp cloth; life was possible on this island and they were so close. "Captain, maybe we ought to turn back." "Not yet, there must be something." She bit back. There had to be. Otherwise, she had to confirm that this expedition was a waste of time all along. She angrily hacked away another set of branches, expecting to be met with the usually formidable barrier of foliage, only for the level of vegetation to thin and the ground below her to dry. Within a moment's notice, she walked into a dazzling clearing. Trees filled with golden-colored apples everywhere surrounded both Lou and Aya. Their bright lime green leaves gave off a sweet aromatic scent. Angelica would have died to witness this sight. When her daughter was little, she would often beg Aya whether she could have the last apple slice. Aya could have seen Angelica crying if she was with her now. For Aya herself, she found her own eyes prickling and stinging. A tear rolled from her cheek. She ran towards the biggest tree that stood there in the lone center and plucked an apple from its branch. Quickly she bit into its sweet and delightfully moist flesh. She closed her eyes, enjoying the way it soothed her parched throat. Then she plucked five more from the same tree. With this food and water supply, she and Lou could last for months. She turned to Lou standing right behind her. Her mouth had drawn a thin line and her gaze was fixed on the tree's trunk which looked to be particularly wrinkly. "Captain?" She mumbled. "Doesn't it look like a hand?" "No." "Don't you find it strange that we hadn't come across anyone yet?" "People get stranded on islands all the time. They probably got lucky or keeled over, who knows?" Aya coughed, placed her gathered five apples on a patch of dry ground, and sat near the foot of the big tree. Lou wouldn't be Lou if she didn't fret about negligible nothings again. Just thinking about that made her skin and throat itch. That kid was still standing there, looking as if she had just encountered the Sea Gods. Aya yawned. This would be a great place to set up camp. "Captain, something isn't right." Aya's eyes twitched. Her throat tightened. "Listen up, the whole day I've been hearing you question my orders. Can you just shut up and obey for once?" "But-" "If a girl like you cannot manage that much, maybe you should go back to the countryside and marry some bloke. The Great Sea knows no mercy for dainty flowers like you." Aya said the following as she closed her eyes. The itch in her throat still didn't completely disappear. "You're probably not thinking straight, dehydration and all. Just eat an apple and yes, it's an order." Aya leaned against the apple tree and dozed off in a fitful sleep, only to wake up shortly after with a searing pain in her stomach. She opened her mouth to scream, but her once slightly tightened throat felt now as if the Gods personally lit it on fire. Her hands clasped her neck to find a huge lump. As she raised her head and tried to stand up, a fit of dizziness took over and made her buckle under her own weight. "Captain?" Lou ran to Aya's side. She looked at the tree and then at Aya. At first, it was only a mild look of concern, before it turned into utter horror. Her eyes widened so much that Aya could see the white of her eyes in her blurry vision. Aya's stomach lurched and soon emptied itself. Her hands trembled as she saw what she had coughed up. Clots of blood and inside there were sprouting seeds. Her body screamed to just curl up and lie down, but she had warned Lou. She had to know. "Captain, just vomit it all out. It's all going to be fine. You're going to make it. Don't leave me there to-" With Aya's last strength, she grasped Lou's wrist and pulled her in. She pushed through the haze of pain, dizziness, and her burning throat, Aya whispered. "Don't tell me you've eaten from that tree." Tears sprung up from Lou's eyes. "Don't lie to me." Lou paused. Her mouth opened and then closed again before slowly shaking her head. "Such a stubborn brat. You'll make a great captain someday." She said before wistfully looking at the four apples she gathered that had been strewn over the ground. Her eyes softened. "I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry I've been so harsh." It was ironic that she was finally able to say that after all those years. As her thoughts became more and more hazed, Lou's face slowly began to merge with Angelica's to become one and the same. Despite Aya being nothing but harsh towards her, she still shed tears for this bitter old sod of a captain. Despite the heaviness of her limbs, Aya's heart felt never this light before. She heard Angelica speaking to her. She could feel Angelica's hand clasping hers, holding onto her for dear life just like she did when she was little. Perhaps, perhaps if Aya said those words earlier to her, perhaps Angelica would have at least said goodbye before she set off on her voyage to the Great Sea, perhaps Aya's blessings would have convinced the Gods to make her journey easier, but it all didn't matter. Her daughter was home now, right beside her. "Angelica." As she became more and more part of the land, the voice of her daughter grew stronger till she couldn't hear it any longer.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Vote here:

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
My vote is for Story A.

I enjoyed A's strong characterization and writing style. The ending was humorous but realistic. All in all, solid story.

B tried to characterize differently with dialogue and flashbacks, but I did not see the result of that reflected as strongly as in A. I found the ending a little wilder, and less believable. Despite my criticism, I appreciate the author's vivid depiction of the setting and good use of dialogue.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Commended by Mizal on 10/15/2024 2:56:15 AM

Hiya, Fresh here to deliver scattered and repetitive commentary that I wrote as I read the stories.

Story A: There are a few grammatical errors in the first paragraph, but it does serve as a pretty good hook. I would’ve included the first sentence of the second paragraph in the paragraph prior to it; I think it flows better that way.
The more I read, the more sentence fragments I find. And comma splices (I just learned about splices in school so I’m obsessed with them).
Sure are a lot of commas in general.
That’s not what expediency means.
The narrator is giving me the vibes of a well-meaning scholarly fellow who really doesn’t belong on a boat but finds it necessary to reach his goal. I think this is what you intended and I wanna say you did a really good job. I especially like the line “All hands on deck, as they say.” I read it as being said in a similar way to how my English teacher talks when she’s trying to use Gen Z slang: a tad uncertain and confused, but boldly pressing onwards.
There's only one sentence I can see that changes tenses a little.
I really like the word choices in this story (for the most part).
I can just picture the narrator talking to the fire as he tries to start it. “Come on, good fellow, you’ve got it in you. Show a little spirit!” Once again, the characterization is done really well.
I think you’ve put a comma in just about every place they shouldn’t go.
How the heck does he still have his Bible with him, and why was it wrapped?
There’s some great imagery here.
I’m glad you explained how he’s writing on the island. I was about to ask.
“Dumbfoundee” lol. Kudos, that’s the only typo I found.
I love that “They shot me with an arrow” is its own paragraph. Actually I just love everything aout that little part of the story.
The last paragraph is a great plot twist. Appreciated

I’m gonna guess this is Ben’s story, due to the commas and the content.
 

Story B: The title alone assures me that this is, in fact, Darius. Also all the dashes in the dialogue.
Excuse you, that’s a seaWOMAN.
Aw. Cute kid. No wonder you killed her.
“An eerily silence” doesn't quite make sense. Up until this point I haven’t noticed any glaring errors.
I like semicolons. It makes me unreasonably happy when people use them. Thank you.
The farther down I go, the more weirdly worded sentences there are. It looks like you started rushing a little.
What? They don’t even kiss?
The foreshadowing here is really good.

 

Both stories are good, solid entries. Really I like Story A better, mostly because it’s a lot funnier, but due to the sheer amount of commas in it making it difficult to read, I wouldn’t vote for it overall. (Just now realizing how many commas are in that sentence. That's ironic.)

My vote goes to Story B

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Okay, geez guys. Keep your commas

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

I vote for story A. I'm probably just retarded and will re read story B later but I struggled to understand what was going on at times. At the end of the day stories are about Entertainment, so even if story A had more grammatical issues I found myself more engaged with and enjoying A more, really liked the ending. Usually it doesn't happen that way but it does sometimes. 

Story A feels like it flows much better, a lot of story B could have much of its word count took out such as with the flashbacks and it wouldn't actually change the story very much. With story A if you took a lot of things out it would feel like it has random cuts, jumps and abrupt scene changes. That leads story A into having more weight for me, since half of story b can seem like filler that isn't necessary information for the story to be told (based on the prompt given). 

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
A.

Story A's writing felt rushed and even clunky at places. Still I'm a sucker for the first person perspective. The narrative voice was consistent and entertaining and the story did a proper job of placing me on the island. Though I did think you could've done more with the natives. That's the worst part of writing historical plausible shit, makes the reader have higher expectations for everything. Moreover, the end was a bit too predictable or perhaps safe.


In contrast I felt story B nailed its ending. The emotive weight of the last few paragraphs made the story shine. However, I agree with the other reviewers that the buildup to that ending was subpar. Moreover, where story A took its time to immerse the reader in the surroundings, offering the actions in it immediacy, I felt story B skipped over that in favor of background and character relations that could also just remain implied. The ending didn't really need it, and they were relatively uninteresting on their own.

Overall this is a rare thunder dome entry where neither story absolutely sucks or immediately wins out over the other one. Guess as an advocate of the first person perspective I like A more.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Honestly I don't quite like either of these. Story B would be my most likely vote if I was really gonna pick one.

 

Suppose B it is

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
b

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Congrats to both for turning in decent stories that didnt totally suck.  It was also a nice surprise that Ben proved he could actually write a passable story without relying upon excessive profanity every other word in a vain attempt to shock the reader - Nice work Ben, whichever story you wrote. 

Story A: I liked this one. It seemed to start perhaps a little slow, but I really enjoyed the aspect of discovering the story through journal entries.  It did seem like the ending came a bit fast (most likely due to time constraint and word count), but I would really enjoy this journey developing further if the journal entries were able to go on for a few more days. Ending was fine, though a little predictable. 

Story B: This story made good use of dialogue and I liked how it used the relationship with the missing daughter to evoke emotion.  The ending here was effective, and was done well.  However, the story leading up to the ending was not as strong for me, but overall a respectable Thunderdome entry.

So, overall, my vote is for STORY A

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Neither story obviously sucks here, which I find impressive.  Both have a story to tell, and both have reasonable prose.  I think B has more narrative control, and I like the prose style better, as well as the structure of the story.  I'm voting "B."

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Story A because there was more beer, mainly

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Absolutely solid and airtight reasoning.  I am jealous that I failed in recognizing this supremely important fact, so I think I will just go have a beer. (or two...)

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
That does seem like an appropriate way to make up for your error... or to make more errors...

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Voting for: Story A

Honestly, both these stories are really good. Regardless of who wins, I think the loser should feel no shame. I chose to vote for story A because when it comes to shorter stories, relying on familiar historical concepts allows the reader to fill in details relating to the setting. Story B seemed to be more fantastical but that also means that it would probably have benefitted from having more time to explain the setting. If I had to write a story with limited word count, I think I would probably always try to write a more grounded realistic story.

In any case, both were fantastic reads. Both of you get applause from me :]

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Both stories were really well done, good job.

The concept for A was interesting, and the journal entries have a nice contrast to the ending. I found a few typos in A, namely "dumbfoundee" and "amd". The characterization and dialogue in B really captured me. There were a few small grammatical errors in each, but overall both are pretty polished for the time limit.

I'm voting B for the apple gore. I also support the lesbian pirates.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Voting for A.

I noted several typos and on grammatical choices in A, but the scene building and characterization was very realistic feeling to me.  I particularly liked that you specifically called out wrapping the bible and journal before he goes out in the storm and how he continues to be able to write on the island. The twist at the end was very nice

B flows really well, but I just didn't connect to it as much, although I'm having difficulty with putting my finger on exactly why.

 

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

I vote for Story B, though as others have indicated, both are worthy of praise.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Feels like I'm gonna get flamed for every single comma in my story now. Did not realize y'all would get so defensive

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Don't let them get you down, Fresh.  Comma as much or as little as, you, like.  Let the flames, warm as they may be, simply add fire to your drive, your ceaseless drive to create, write, and review as much as you do.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Didn't even see this one either. All these little comments spread around at random, poor girl, you must be falling apart from the emotional trauma of all that "flaming".

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
,

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

I really will not care, I'm very serious with reviews, I won't be petty. 

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Ok now that's a comma splice

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

I hope it mildly frustrated you. 

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

(:

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

My vote goes to B.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
b

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
My vote is for B

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Story A

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
I'll be calling the votes tonight, so anybody that's been on the fence better get in there. Really nice seeing this much participation though. Having the stories feel like a real competition was unexpected too, 90% of these end up an immediate landslide one way or another.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
All right, and with Dire's post I'm calling it. There were a couple of other people who had mentioned planning to vote, and they're still welcome to leave some commentary any time, but I don't want to leave this running another day. This has been a pretty fascinating duel. Benholman and Darius themselves couldn't be more opposite, and the stories are wildly different too. I don't think we've ever had a match this close, the winner went back and forth a few times and the stories stayed neck and neck enough that always another vote or two could have changed the outcome. And now at the end what we have here is the first tie in Thunderdome history. I actually cannot even remember if I established rules for the possibility way back when, but a rematch seems fitting, if both entrants could manage it--I know the timing has been a little rough for Darius. That or we could add Antharax to the mix for a Mexican standoff. (While Dark remains having his extended siesta in the corner.)

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Oh yeah, and it was obvious, but @benholman44 had Story A, and @Darius_Conwright was the author of Story B. Great job to both of you, and report in here for your commendations:

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Wow. That's impressive. Great work.

Perhaps the greatest complement for Ben was that Mizal compared his writing to Dickens due to comma usage. 

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Well, let's not go that far.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Commendation please!

Sorry for the long wait I was in the hospital 

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Commended by Mizal on 10/21/2024 10:04:17 AM

We can have the rematch on Friday 25th of October, my schedule won't get any less busy. 

It's been quite a challenge to be honest, because I wasn't very confident with adventure island or stranded at sea stories which the prompt leaned heavily towards. So I was surprised that it became a tie considering my win/lose record and me not being good at writing fancy pansy prose and environmental descriptions. 

And for people thinking the apple tree was fantastical: the island and biome of the story are based on Machineel trees. The tree is so poisonous that even being near it will cause irritation in the eye. So there were passages that heavily foreshadow the beach apple's deadly effects. :)

Anyway, Ben I really hope for you that you'll win next round, because the only person I've beaten thus far in a writing duel is a teenage girl.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Congrats on the history making tie.  If I'm to be involved, the weekend after the 25th would be better for me as I have people coming the weekend of the 25th.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

I'm also fine with that, as long as it's in the weekend.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Just need to wait to see if Ben wanders back over to confirm that works for him too.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

As far as I remember Ben said he was focusing on his contest story and wouldn't do anymore thunderdomes until after it.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Oh yeah that's a good point, I guess I should probably start mine too.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

I wanna do another thunderdome entry!! This weekend's my birthday so I'll probably be busy but beyond that I'd be able to do basically any week

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Happy early birthday, Fresh.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

I'm willing to battle you too for practice. Haven't written much lately and getting a bit rusty tbh.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
@Anthraxus seemed willing to duel Ben, maybe we could get him in for a practice match too.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Sure, I'm down for whatever, just not this weekend.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Happy early birthday as well. How old are you going to be? 

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Sharing my age to strangers on the internet seems like a good idea. 18

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

One of the biggest birthdays then. Hope it becomes a memorable one for you. 

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Have fun, but not too much fun.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
I'd join in if that's allowed. I might even actually write something this time, and not repeat the massive failure I had with Dark

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

I don't mind. 

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
So you and Ace seem the ones available this weekend.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
So my timezone is fucked, and my schedule is fucked (I'm more free during the week than weekend), so could we do something like Monday to Wednesday instead of like Friday to Sunday, or maybe just like Friday to Tuesday? E: Actually I'm 13 hours ahead of CST, meaning even if we set it Monday night I'd get Monday to write it. So I'm more flexable than I thought.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

I would probably collapse if we did it solely on week days, but I'm open to set it from Saturday to Tuesday. (2 days for me, two days for you)

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
We could do this, you both have fucked up timezones so giving some extra time may be one of the easier solutions.

I felt really bad you ended up staying up to 5am to get yours in when you didn't have the weekend open after all.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Don't worry about it, I fell asleep from 1am to 4am, so I did get just enough sleep to function next day and It was on me for forgetting other things I had to do that weekend. 

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Do you just wake up super late...or are you a masochist of sorts? Not getting adequate sleep will put you in a early grave and make you look 50 when youre 40.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

It's not even that masochistic (it's a regular 9-5 with 1,5 hour commute). When my internships start, I surely will also have graveyard shifts. 

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

So like 6 hours sleep a night? i guess you get used to it but yeah. Hopefully one day you get rich enough to not feel forced to do that shit. 

 

I need to wake up like 2 hours before work to eat, shower and train lol. 30 minute breaks are not long enough imo to eat a proper meal, so i have to completly stuff myself into being a dadbod in the mornings to be getting my nutrients lol.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Lol even if I get rich, I probably would sleep even less.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
I wake up automatically after 5-6 hours no matter when I go to sleep, I guess unless I've been doing something especially strenuous.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Which internship starts at 9? I am asking for a friend

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Klinische Genetica

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Oh yeah that checks out

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Damn dude, good luck with that. I just found out as well that you guys in the Netherlands get absolutely robbed, swindled and mugged by your government. 37℅ income tax for everyone up to 73,000 euros. I'd be malding. Is there even an allowance on that? That's crazy. Imagine becoming a doctor just to have the disposable income of a warehouse worker in the states. 

 

Edit: never mind, this is wrong. No wonder it seemed too bad to be true. 

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Not being required to pay a 50k yearly malpractice insurance fee also helps

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

@MrAce321

So we're clear, writing duel Saturday till Tuesday, you're in?

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Clear rules and directions?

You must be new here.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
@MeAce321 The writing duel is on for Saturday through Tuesday. Prompt will be up tomorrow night.

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Well I don't have a choice now lmao. Yeah I'm in

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

A

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago
Commended by Darius_Conwright on 10/26/2024 1:35:13 AM

So.... do I get my commendation still?

Thunderdome 15: Darius vs Benholman!

one month ago

Mom Mizal is busy right now, so customers should expect delays in service.