“Having recently established your only happiness in life comes from squatting alone in a dark hovel thinking about how much you hate the rest of humanity, I guess longing for non existence while staring at the wall, trying to work past your irrational fear seems a natural extension of this and entirely in character.”
“Growing up feeling unloved and unwanted may have contributed to my longing for nonexistence”
I just reread this and I can't stop laughing.
I just keep thinking of this scenario with IAP after a long day of dealing with methhead hillbillies bringing in broken toasters to his repair shop, him entering his one room living area which consists of a few pieces of furniture like a portable stove, an old desk with a 1998 Compaq computer, a mattress on the floor with a few springs sticking out and finally a solid wooden stool which he hand made himself back in 1983.
A single 40 watt light bulb hangs in the center of the room, it barely illuminates the room's four gray walls. There's a single window that looks out to the "backyard" (It's more like a muddy field) which consists of five rusty vehicles mainly from the late 70s early 80s which are still all in working order.
The floor is made of solid hardwood, but makes that squeaky noise under his heavy boots. That's probably the only insulated thing he's bothering to wear because despite the below freezing temperature that's even invaded his living space he's wearing some fairly light clothing. He doesn't feel the cold because he's already numb to everything.
(And yes, there is a small bathroom connected to this room, but trust me, you really don't want me to describe it)
First thing he does is takes the stool over to the desk to check a few websites he goes to. A couple of them are just electronic repair or mechanic repair in nature, but he doesn't see anything much of interest on there since the hillbillies never bring in anything more complex than a toaster to repair so there's no real need to brush up on his skills. He had a 22 year old trailer trash redhead bring in a "massager" recently for him to fix, but he immediately knew by the look in her overly painted mascara eyes and that methmouth smile that she had something else in mind. He kicked that junkie whore out as soon as possible that day.
So after briefly checking the weather in India he wanders over to CYS.
I should mention that somehow he's managed to jury rig Netscape Navigator 6 to still work but not very well on a lot of modern sites, so fortunately for him CYS works perfectly.
He looks at CYS and checks out some of the newer stories, but nothing really peaks his interest since he's read all the good ones.
So he looks at the forums instead which is filled with the usual light hearted tomfoolery. Everyone is having a good time so he decides to post something about life sucking and how we're all doomed to rot in ground until the worms eat our flesh with maggots infesting every orifice.
Naturally everyone at CYS is too busy making fun of the gender "challenged" and trolling (Okay one of them MIGHT actually be working on a story) to really pay too much attention at first, but eventually somebody responds by calling him a boomer or something similar.
He briefly spars with a couple of the members (Probably female ones, because who can figure 'em) until he grows bored which is pretty quickly because he doesn't find much joy in it. It's just to kill time in between life and death.
Eventually he turns off the computer, shaking his head wondering why he even bothers with...well everything. He drags the stool over to the same gray wall and stares at it while contemplating life and existence in general.
He does this for hours. In between this introspective marathon he looks at the cracks, chips and outright holes in the wall and reminds himself that he really needs to get around to patching them, but then figures what's the point, he's just going to rot in the ground someday anyway.
Despite this nihilistic outlook on life he doesn't actually contemplate suicide because that would be the easy way out and that's not how he lives his life. Besides deep down inside on some level, he wants to suffer because life is suffering. That's what the Buddha said. He was Indian.
Still, he does think up scenarios about how he wants to die. The bear scenario always comes up a lot, but there's never one around when you need one. He briefly thinks about a mass murderer scenario if only to shoot all the hillbillies that live around him, but it's getting late and he's tired enough to actually fall asleep.
He goes over to the mattress and after positioning himself so that the exposed springs only poke him a little bit as opposed to requiring a full tetanus shot he closes his eyes and embraces what he hopes will eventually await him one day which is perfect darkness and absolute nothingness.
And when that day comes he will have finally have peace and escape from the HELL of existence.
