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Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/19/2023 4:03:04 PM

Sadly I have to admit that the title can be considered clickbait. Yes, there will still be blood and there will still be teenage girls pulling at each other's hair for all low budget B-movie enthusiasts to watch and enjoy. The kicker is, to the dismay of her guardian and coach Sent and to the jubilation of everyone else, Ant got cold feet after taking a glimpse at a very pissed of teenage girl named Suranna and fled like a dirty pathetic coward. Clearly she has more bark than bite. Flinging insults is easy, but getting punched in return might have been too much for her fragile soul.

She left her smelly deepthroat circus series behind while flinging her nose shriveling heels at any person who tried to drag her back to the arena and didn't even bother to clean up after herself while desperately seeking amnesty in Guatemala. 

Once again this is a new footnote in the history of our glorious site. She broke the CYS record, not by being a no-show once, but by being a no-show twice. Shame, shame, shame. 

And thus, after looking at this whole mess, Mizal decided to salvage it by going to Endmaster and borrowing one of his dearest treasures from the vilest darkest depths of his nuclear arsenal so that at least one teenage girl could be put in their place. A secret dueler has come to rain down judgment whether Suranna is worthy to stand here in the arena as a proud CYStian or whether she's more fit to be part of the "deepthroat circus writers" like she-who-must-not-be-named. Mind you, he entry of our secret dueler is written in eight hours mind you, while normal entries will be given about four days of baking time. 

Who will win? Who is worthy of praise? Certainly not Ant, but you as readers decide!

The theme is Sci-fi with giant friggin mechs. 

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Story A

Of Steel and Strife

Bullets clashed with the mechatank in a shower of sparks, the beautiful melody of steel against steel ringing through the air in a deadly crescendo. Fire and bullets rained from the smog-thick sky, though they harmed the humans far more than they did the mech’s sturdy exoskeleton.

It did not last for long, ending just as it had begun. The steel of the mechatank’s arm flashed down like lightning, pummeling the foul vermin into a grisly red pulp.

It was so simple, the complete extermination of lower beings. Igor did not even have to wipe sweat from his brow. These humans were not built for the crucible that was space, nor the challenges that came with colonizing planets. So unlike him.

His own body was scaled with thick flakes of lead, none of the weak, tearable, skin of humans. He had no need for oxygen either, instead using the pure, unfiltered energy of electromagnetic radiation to power his muscles.

Yes, he was built for the confines of deep space and the ensuing gamma rays, built for colonizing planets and crushing any who stood in his way. A true marvel of science and nature, Igor thought. He was one of seven that was quite so wondrous, rising above the rest of his species, so close to one of a kind.

A message popped up with a ting, and the hologram of the Emperor, silken robes dragging along the floor, a dark hood shadowing his face, appeared on the wall in front of him. “What is your report, IG–05?”

Igor did not like how the Emperor addressed him as IG-05. Yes, it was his name by the loosest standards, but it made him feel… dispensable, just a pawn in a larger game, unworthy of a real name.

“Your Imperial Majesty, I crushed any smidge of rebellion left in the human forces.” He kept his response brief, so that there was little that could anger the Emperor.

“Good. I knew you would..” The hologram shifted, dark eyes staring uncomfortably into his own. “All signals to YRU-1 have not reached him. He is likely dead. If the humans brought him down, they could bring you down as well. Be careful, IG-05.” His words said he cared, but his tone was cold and heartless, as if Yiru and Igor were only pieces to be tossed away once they were not useful.

YRU-1. Yiru. Dead. That could not be true. Igor hoped, with everything in him, that it was not true. 

The mechatanks were made for battle, standing a hundred meters tall, a thick exoskeleton protecting from bullets and fire and cannons. They could warp and change shape, adjusting based on the gravitational pull to maximize strength and agility. A table of buttons controlled their every movement, the same table Igor was sitting at now. 

A single mechatank could conquer a planet. Seven could conquer a galaxy.

It cost an exorbitant amount to make a single one. That was why there were only seven, given to the top seven commanders, those who rose above the rest of their kind.

Igor and his people, they were the only ones in the galaxy that had the resources and the intelligence to make such a mech. If humans managed to capture one… if they could replicate it… he prayed, to any god that was out there, that such a thing never happened, that the strength of a mechatank was never rivaled.

No, no, he must not think like that. Yiru was dead. Yiru would never have let himself nor his mech be captured. He would rather die, and that must have been what he did.

YRU-1, Yiru. He is dead. There is no question of it. 

He thought of all the time they had spent together. 

Yiru had been his only friend among the seven. He had defended Igor when the other five wanted to be rid of him, give his mechatank to one that was more worthy of it. He and Igor, they had given each other those names, not wanting to be known by the meaningless combination of letters and numbers that had been assigned to them. 

Yiru was the fire that guided Igor through the dark night. He had been loyal by Igor’s side for… how long was it now? Nearly six centuries, more than a third of the average lifespan for his kind.

And now he was gone.

A sharp pain thudded through him every time his heart beat, sending pulses of electromagnetic energy coursing through his body like liquid lightning. He did not feel quite complete now that his comrade was gone. Yiru… I am sorry. I could not protect you. I will see you in the afterlife, my friend.

“Did you hear me, IG-05? Is the signal weak?” The Emperor’s tone said he knew it was not, was simply waiting to see if Igor could fumble for an excuse for his silence.

In a brief moment of carelessness, he said what he thought should be said. “With all due respect, Your Imperial Majesty, humans could not possibly bring down a mechatank with only their bullets. Yiru– YRU-1, I mean he may still live.”

Anger flashed in those eyes, the burning hatred of a thousand suns. “Do you mean to say I am wrong, IG-05?”

Igor understood at that moment how close he stood to death. A horrible fear spread through his veins as he realized he might as well have signed his own death warrant. All the Emperor would have to do is give the order, and the mechatank he was in would self-destruct.

“No, Your Imperial Majesty. I am sorry. I did not mean to…” His words cut themselves off as his throat clenched up, afraid of what he could say.

“Do you need to be taught a lesson?”

He had messed up, spoken against the Emperor. Oh, how he had messed up. This could be seen as high treason, if the Emperor chose not to be merciful. He hoped his high status would save him from capital punishment.

If he kills me, I will see Yiru again in the afterlife.

Igor bowed his head.  “I will gladly accept punishment for my grave error, Your Imperial Majesty.”

The only thing he could do now was pray for mercy.

“That is the problem. You accept punishment. You never learn.” The Emperor’s eyes shone with a dangerous hunger, his glittering scales reflecting that expression a hundred times over. “You have one more chance, IG-05. If you fail me, I will simply discard you.” 

The message was clear. You are nothing more than a maggot crushed under my heel.

His voice came out shaky and unsure, the pinnacle of cowardice. “Of course, Your Imperial Majesty.”

“Humans have been gathering in Quadrant F-3, inside the crater.” The Emperor waved a hand, waved away Igor. “See to it that they do not live to speak of rebellion.”

“As you order, Your Imperial Majesty.”

The hours passed before him as he made his way south, to follow the Emperor’s orders to the letter.

There were perhaps two thousand of the common humans gathered around the border of the crater, most of them the foolish ones who did not know to bring weapons to a fight. It was not as if the weapons could harm Igor’s mechatank, but it was nearly comical that they did not even attempt it. 

The humans crowded together like sheep, yelling of revolution and other such idiotic things. It’s too late for them now. If they had surrendered when we sent the first hologram, been content as slaves, perhaps we would not have to slaughter every last one of them.


The sound shook the world around him, causing a haze of dust to lift from the reddish ground, rising nearly to the knee joint of his mech. The humans were not running. That was strange.


He did not dwell on those things for long, instead working a well-practiced series of buttons and levers that caused the mechatank to move as he wished. The left arm swept across the rim of the crater, knocking at least a hundred into the depths and another hundred quite literally flattened.

They did not run. They stood their ground, ready to be massacred. Quite strange behavior, but he counted it as the will of gods. They had taken Yiru from him, but they would make this task simple.


The arm was dripping red and coated with the jelly of squished flesh when he retracted it. Blood stained the ground crimson, shards of bone dotting the earth. That could not be good for the vegetation. Unable to take the warning, the humans simply stood there, some nervously looking towards the horizon.


Far, far, in the distance, the beginnings of a shape began to emerge from the storm of dust. Igor could not quite make it out.

Another swing of the mech’s arm, another hundred pulverized. Blood had begun to mist the air, hanging thick like a cloud of fog.


He saw it then, walking towards him with thunderous steps that shook the earth and the sky. A mechatank, large and strong enough to rival his own, something a human could never build.

No. This couldn’t be happening. No, no, no…


Yiru’s mechatank stepped towards. It was not Yiru that manned it.

The mech had been the last reminder of Igor’s friend, and now that was stolen by the humans as well. 

They had taken everything from him. Those foul creatures, vermin, it was on them he had lost his good standing with the Emperor, had to leave everyone he loved behind to participate in a war he did not want to give his life for, and now they had taken the last piece he had of his friend.

Stabs of pain jolted through his heart, making it difficult to move. His mech was frozen mid-sweep. He could not make himself pull the levers that controlled its joints. He would have to fight the last thing that remained of Yiru if he did so.

Follow your orders to the letter, IG-05. The Emperor’s voice rang through his head. 

His mechatank came face to face with the one that was once Yiru’s. Humans scampered around like rats in it, pressing buttons and pulling levers that moved the monstrosity around. Yiru should be the one doing that. Yiru should have been here, at his side, fighting the humans with him. 

But he was dead, and Igor could not bring back a dead man.

He knew what he had to do.

Reaching around to the bottom of the chair, he felt the lever. It would take a fierce pull, and then he would never know pain nor misery again.

He would never know misery again.

The self-destruct mechanism locked into place as he jerked on the lever with all of his might, flammable fluid coursing through the insides of his mech, bursting into searing flame in an instant. 

If he was going down, he would bring the mechatank the humans had seized with him.

The bones and metal skin of the mech creaked for an instant before exploding outwards in shards of steel and glass. He heard screams for a brief moment, relished them, as well as his own, as he cooked in his own scales.

He knew Yiru would be waiting for him in the afterlife.

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Story B  


The loud electronic beep of the Tri-Comm rings through my head. A robotic voice follows soon after.

"Bridge... are you sure you got this?" I can hear her worried tone despite the voice-changing of the Tri-Comm.

I huff.

"I didn't spend 10 hours a day, for 15 years of my life, in a pitch-black GT tank, just to flake out at the last minute."

I turn to face the viewing cell where I know Missy watches on and make an over-exaggerated attempt to roll my eyes at her. 

A moment passes.

"Understood. Please step into the GT-2 tank to commence Downing."

I turn my head towards the gaping hole of the GT-2. It's a tall cylinder fitted to reach just above my height. The door of it glides open and I take one last look up at the viewing cell, hoping to catch a glance of Missy. But all I see is the over-boding reflection of the giant mech I soon had to pilot. Uncertainty settles in, and I step into the GT-2 before it can grow any larger. The door glides closed and leaves me in darkness.


Another electronic beep and I know the Downing is about to start. It's the worst part about being a pilot for an Emperior Mechanical Terror Unit, or EMTU for short. I can't see a single thing in the GT tank, so I have to rely on my hearing and touch to understand what's going on. I stand for a couple beats listening only to the beating of my own heart. Then, a soft shhhhh is heard, and I can feel liquid pooling around my feet. The liquid continues to climb, until it reaches my ankles. My heart beats grow quicker. I know it's stupid to still feel nervous at this, I had done it billions of times, but I could never get rid of the thought that maybe, maybe, this time, they somehow messed up, and instead of the A-Fuel being deposited, it was just regular water, and I was going to drown momentarily. 

The fluid reaches my fingertips, and I pull my hands up to smell it. It smells like A-Fuel, and has the same consistency of it, but I wasn't sure if I could trust my senses. Senses could be betrayed in the GT tank. 

The fluid reaches my neck, and despite my mind telling my body to calm itself, it goes rabid. My arms jerk up to pound at the walls of the GT, and I strain my neck to be above to liquid. I pound and pound at walls, and at times like this, I'm glad Missy isn't watching over me. I feel humiliated, knowing my body isn't listening to what I say. Other EMTU pilots don't have this problem, so why do I? 

The fluid reaches my ears, and after a few strained breaths, my head is flush under the water. At this point, my body goes berserk, and the entirety of it is soon thrashing and clawing, trying to get out of the tank. But I was never able to hold my breath for very long. 

After an eternity, my body calms down, adjusted to the A-Fuel in the lungs. 


"Bridge, how are you feeling? It's a little different than your regular GT-1 tank." 

"Feels good, perfect actually." An obvious lie. 

If Missy notices, she doesn't comment on it. 

"Ok, we're going to insert you into the EMT Unit now, hands steady in the air, and close your eyes."

I do as she says and I feel the GT tank lurch forward. The A-Fuel keeps me in place so I don't fall back. I need to remain as still as possible while being inserted. 

A burning light runs over my eyelids, but I keep them closed. I wasn't sure of the exact specifics of how it was possible to be connected to a EMTU, physically or mentally, Missy never told me that.

"An EMT Unit is a large, standardized war machine, designed to protect and combat any threats to our planet and to humanity."

"It's a little more than large, don'cha think?" 

Missy pushed her glasses up her nose with her middle finger and tapped the board impatiently.

"The EMT Unit is something that only a few people with a special virus in their system can handle. The virus is non-replicable, so only those born with it at birth are able to control one. There are only 11 known candidates to date. This is a very special role, and should be taken seriously, don'cha think?"

I spit at her and spin in my chair. 

"How do these things even work? Lieutenant told me that it inserts my brain into the machine or something."

"Hmm. It's something similar." 

She doesn't comment on it further. 


The GT tank jolts me back to the present, and I open my eyes. Before me lays a whole new experience. One that only 11 people on earth have ever known.

A blue sky.

The color is more muted, and the suns rays don't shine as bright, but it looks beautiful all the same. I look around and see that my form towers over skyscrapers. I had to be at least a hundred feet tall, no, a thousand. My arms had been replaced with the mechanized arms of the EMTU, and I clench them into a fist. I know what I'm seeing, and I know what I'm feeling, but it feels fake, like one of my Virtual Reality games. Doubt starts to crawl in my mind, uninvited. 

"Bridge, do you copy?"

I hear Missy's voice travel from one ear to another. It's clearer now, free of the robotic ting.

"Yeah, I'm here," I respond.

"Good. Now, look ahead of you. Do you see the red X?"

Up ahead is a tall skyscraper, and on one side of it resides a huge red X, splattered haphazardly across the building. I make my way over to it.

"Press on it," Missy says. 

I press on the X and a compartment slides out, revealing an item. 

I know what it is, but this would be the first time I'd be holding the real thing. 

I pick up the B-Laze Gun and admire it. It's sleek, and feels light in my arms. As far as guns go, it's quite pretty. 

"Now, we're just going to do target practice for today to get you used to it, but I want you on your best behavior."

I hold back a snarky response and opt to say nothing instead.

"To start, hold down the handle and aim the target at... well, you know the drill."

I steady the B-Laze Gun on my shoulder, and turn to face a nearby target. The target is a large replica of an enemy of humanity. Jaws of teeth run along it's body, and slimy secretions ooze out of it's mouth. No eyes are present, but it seems that it can see you regardless. It's twice as large as I am, quite impressive for a replica.

I aim at it and a green beam fires out of the gun with a satisfying 'shhHP!' I hit the target straight on, and it disintegrates into a large pile of ash.

"Good, now try the others, this time adding a bit of movement."

I roll forward and aim the gun, shooting the next target. It follows it's previous's fate soon after. 

"Good, next."

I continue onward, shooting replica after replica. 





Huh? I double back to my latest target. It remains standing. I aim again and fire. 


I lower the gun. How come this one isn't disintegrating? I decide to ring up Missy.

"H-Hey, Missy, there's something wrong with this one. ...Missy?" 


"Sorry, Bridge, but this is the end for you." 

"Missy, what? I don't understand."

I look up just in time to see an Enemy of Humanity lurch for me. 

"G-Gah!" I dodge, but just barely. With heavy breathes, I get up and run. Despite the B-Laze Gun in my hand I know I have no chance of defeating one.

Is this real? Or is this a test? Is Missy trying to test me? Did an Enemy of Humanity breach through the walls?

"Missy what's going on?" I try to reach her franticly. "Missy?"

The other side of the Tri-Comm is silent, and I fear my worries have come true. 

Heavy pounds are behind me, and I know the monster is catching up. There's not much I can do in the Training Gym, there's no cover thousands of feet up in the air. It's either I use the B-Laze Gun or die.

I make a sudden halt and turn to face the enemy head-on, gun at the ready. 

The enemy seems to hesitate, and it's jaws part, seemingly surprised at my sudden change in movement. But soon the hesitation fades, and it charges right at me. 


I pull the trigger again. 

No no no no! Now is not the time for the gun to stop working! 

I make a split second decision and raise the gun up to stop the blow. The force from the monster thuds the gun into my head and my vision goes black.


I wake up with a heave, coughing fluid out of my lungs. I lay on the floor, staring at my arm to the side of me. Did- ...Did I survive? I hear footsteps approaching. 

"...GT tank broke...subject is in critical condition..."

Unfamiliar voices. 

"I understand. I'll take care of it." 


I strain my neck to look up. 

"Missy..." I cough, " what, what happened..?"

She looks down at me, regret written on her face. She crouches down and plants a kiss on my forehead. 

"Sorry Bridge," she whispers, "I didn't mean for it to go this way."

The last thing I see are Missy's tears and a gun pointed at my head.


Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Please leave your comments here. 

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/19/2023 4:03:48 PM

Story A: Quickly established the main character's personality, relationships, and motivations, tying it in well with the theme (Giant Friggin Mechs). The power of the mecha tanks in comparison to other weapons is really felt in the author's description and the ominous boom at the end was a nice touch along with the self-destruction. Felt like there was just enough exposition to get me interested. Would have liked to know more about Yiru's fate or the Emperor's abilities, but given the constraints, I understand why this wasn't expanded upon as it wasn't 100% necessary to the story you were telling.

Story B: Very cool description of the Mech and its abilities. I liked the training sequence you depicted. The pacing was not as good. The ending felt forced and abrupt with no explanation for Missy's betrayal or why an "enemy of humanity" was present for Bridge's training sequence. I feel the ending suffered from too much exposition on the functions of the mech itself. It was interesting to read about, but it threw off the pacing of the story leaving out key details that needed explaining.

Both stories have their moments but I enjoyed Story A more.  

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

You know what, I like all the sound effects. Story B for me, for creativity reasons. They were both equal in quality (at least in my mind) so I had to pick something else to be the deciding factor

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Wow! The other story is really really good! Props to whoever did that one, I loved it. It was also funny how we both ended up using onomatopoeias. Sci-fi Robots really do give off that vibe, huh.

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/19/2023 4:04:00 PM
Story A: Most of what I'd have to say has already been said. Quick jump into the action, the mech feels powerful and destructive, and the setting is efficiently established by using tropes we're all familiar with. Leaving room for the viewpoint character's development and their relationship with Yiru, which is the core thing the plot rotates around. The only thing that jumped out to me as a little silly was how after establishing how expensive and rare these machines and their pilots were, it was implied that the Emperor would just casually cripple his own force over a slight contradiction from one of his most loyal and powerful minions. Just a pet peeve of mine when powerful villainous rulers don't display the cunning and people skills it would've taken to get them in that roll in the first place, let alone basic common sense. Story B: Unfortunately I think this one really suffers from some pacing issues. But if you're not used to writing stories with a constrained word count, that is often the struggle. The fear of drowning for instance and being submerged in the A-Fuel was all a memorable sequence, probably my favorite part, but there was never any kind of callback to it or any further development to make it significant. It's not clear what was going on with the enemy near the end, or what Missy's motivation was, so the ending came off as very abrupt. It feels like other, less important details could've been trimmed back to make room for fleshing out and highlighting the how and why of the conflict. Working under a word limit means you really have to examine every line with an eye for if it furthers the plot and contributes info the reader needs to understand it, or if it's just a cool detail that nonetheless they could do without. Also, try to keep an eye on those its and it's. Voting for Story A.

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/19/2023 4:04:13 PM

I really enjoyed both of these stories.

Story A: Well written story.  I thought the conflict in the story was well done and I thought the main character was well developed. I enjoyed how the action sequence was interspersed with the sound effects and thought this was very well developed.

Story B: This was a good story, the mechs were well described, and I liked the description of the load in sequence.  The action sequence in training seemed pretty well written.  However, overall it felt like there was too much unresolved to make it really satisfying - for example, why is there a enemy of humanity in the training ground and why did Missy kill the main character at the end.   Also, as others have mentioned, I believe it suffered from some pacing issues.


Both stories were good and I liked them, but I have to vote for one so:

My vote is for Story A

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/19/2023 4:04:26 PM

Story A:

  • I really like the title for this one.

  • The story draws you in right away and throws you into the action, even from the first sentence. It's nice because you understand right away what's happening, fighting a huge mech, but it doesn't have to be said. Instead it shows you through the first two sentences while creating a scene that you can clearly picture in your mind and getting straight into the action. 

  • The transition from describing the scene to Igor's thoughts was smooth.

  • I've read a lot of stories where the author will just stop the flow of the plot to describe the protagonist in great detail, but, thankfully, this wasn't one of them. Comparing Igor to the humans was a good way to keep the story moving forward and still get a sense of what his species looks like. 

  • Adding onto the above point, little bits and pieces about what the mech looks like and the background is all mixed in the with the story. It never really stops and gives you an info dump, which is a good thing because that can make an otherwise nice story tedious to read. Then again, you also probably couldn't just put in a bunch of lore because of the word count. 

  • Igor's relationship with the Emperor and the others is really well shown. 

  • I didn't like how it ended, but it could just be me. Stories that ended in suicide never really were what I enjoyed. 

  • I felt like the foreshadowing of the other mech coming was a bit obvious. You could've done with less and still gotten the point across. 

Story B:

  • There's no title :(
  • You could really get a feeling of their personalities from the dialogue. It was nicely written and it felt natural, like how someone would actually speak. 
  • The pacing on this story was really off. The beginning started off great with well thought out dialogue and an awesome sequence with the Downing. Then things sped up and we were training, which was still good, but it wasn't as descriptive as the start, which I felt was backwards. If I had to pick, I'd be more descriptive on something that matters to the plot rather than just a sequence that doesn't come back up and doesn't matter in the overall plot. Then the ending happened and it felt very rushed. I was super confused on what was happening and felt like I was missing an important part of the story. 
  • The characterization was great for the main character. I really got to know a lot about them.

Overall, I enjoyed both stories a lot, but I'll have to give it to story A. 

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/19/2023 4:04:48 PM

Usual disclaimer: To the author, take everything I mention with a grain of salt; I’m no master when it comes to writing, nor am I a seasoned reviewer (yet). As for readers, there will be many, many spoilers. Do yourselves a favor and read the stories first.

Story A

First impressions

  • I love the start of this story because it immerses the reader into the scene while giving us a sense of the setting. It’s really well-written too. 
  • The use of opposing phrases like ‘beautiful melody’ and ‘deadly crescendo’ is nicely done, even though I forgot what literary device that was. 
  • Starting with an action scene is a great way to begin fast-paced stories.


  • Only caught a few minor errors, like a misplaced comma: “none of the weak, tearable, skin of humans”, an additional full stop: “Good. I knew you would..”, missing punctuation: “Yiru– YRU-1, I mean he may still live.”
  • I noticed you used a lot of adjectives. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but after a while it starts to lose its effect when everything is “dark”. (Tbh I make this mistake all the time, mostly in my first few stories and also in this review).
  • I caught a few instances of comma splice—“The Emperor waved a hand, waved away Igor”—although sometimes it seems to create a fragmented effect to portray Igor’s scattered thoughts. But I suggest glancing at Gower’s article on comma splices anyway. 
  • A tense error which I make a lot is to use ‘s as a placeholder for ‘was’ instead of is. For example, the sentence “It’s too late for them now” is in present tense.
  • In the scene where Igor first sees the humans, the word ‘we’ is used, even though the story is in third person pov. Perhaps if it was italicized to be a direct thought/ changed to ‘Igor’s people’, it would avoid this. 


  • The description of Igor in contrast to humans is an interesting way to do this. Even though it does slow the pacing a little, it’s short enough that I don’t particularly mind. 
  • This technique of tying worldbuilding to furthering a character’s portrayal is something I’ll make a note of, so I can use it in future stories I write. 
  • I want to know more about the seven and the whole war with humans. The worldbuilding is thoughtful and skillfully done because it keeps the scale restricted for this short story, yet there’s a whole history of a much larger interspecies war in the background. It could even be expanded into a storygame of its own. 

Characters & Plot (& a bit about writing style)

  • Igor’s characterization is pretty good, especially with the 3rd person limited pov. It starts off showing his perceived superiority, and after that, when he faces internal conflict of feeling indispensable, this has even greater realism considering his prior characterization.
  • Something I noticed with this story—more so than the ones I read yesterday—is that the main character’s thoughts are shared with the reader. It adds a level of relatability, which is all the more important considering the protagonist isn’t human and has an anti-hero type of morality.
  • I’m not exactly sure how to comment on this, but after the fast-paced first scene and the conversation with the Emperor, the pacing seemed to stagnate for a while, taking time to describe the mecha tank and Igor’s friendship with Yiru.
  • The paragraph describing the mechs seemed a little out of place, if I’m being honest. After this line—”YRU-1. Yiru. Dead. That could not be true. Igor hoped, with everything in him, that it was not true.”—it makes more sense for the paragraphs about their friendship to come first, given the emotional response rather than the logical one. But that’s just me nitpicking, and the current structure allows for more information to be provided about the central theme of this duel anyway.
  • Their friendship is characterized well. Yiru’s “death” is a good way of leading into the inciting incident.
  • I like how the stakes are raised slowly, almost unnoticeably at first. It starts off with Igor demonstrating his capability and how easy it is to defeat humans, but after the news of Yiru’s death and the Emperor’s threats, there’s a lot Igor stands to lose.
  • Then, when Igor faces off against the people, although he believes he’s winning, there’s a subtle sense of dread as the reader knows something bad is about to happen. There’s a rhythm created too with all the ‘boom’s. Still, when I got to the end, I don’t understand why all the humans were willing to just… die. Even if they were distracting Igor, it doesn’t make much sense to stand there and get killed .
  • Using short and simple sentences to make an impact is a great tactic. I particularly like the effectiveness of: “Yiru’s mechatank stepped towards. It was not Yiru that manned it.” It was good enough to almost distract me from the missing word at the end of the first sentence. 
  • Woah, I like the foreshadowing of the self-destruction setting in the tank and how he transformed this fear into an unconventional “victory” at the cost of his own life.
  • The descriptions are really well done at the end. In fact, I can probably say that for the whole story; it’s great at retaining reader immersion. 
  • The last line is thematic. It feels conclusive, considering how it has been a recurring motif throughout the story.

Story B

First impressions

  • I like how this story starts off in the midst of a tense situation too. It piqued my curiosity as I wondered why Missy is worried and what is about to occur.
  • Beginning with the protagonist making a choice to step beyond the “no return” plot point is a good way to characterize her from the start.
  • "I didn't spend 10 hours a day, for 15 years of my life, in a pitch-black GT tank, just to flake out at the last minute." — Unrelated to this duel, but a specific someone ought to stop spending 10 hours a day spamming the forums and annoying site members enough that they duel her, just to flake out at the last minute.


  • Maybe I’m nitpicking, but I’m not sure if “The door of it glides open” sounds right. Could just be structured strangely.
  • Just like the previous entry, there’s a brief, minor tense error: “But all I see is the over-boding reflection of the giant mech I soon had to pilot”.
  • There are a few moments when it lapses into past tense: “It smells like A-Fuel, and has the same consistency of it, but I wasn't sure if I could trust my senses” and “But I was never able to hold my breath for very long.”
  • Let’s talk about this sentence: “I know it's stupid to still feel nervous at this, I had done it billions of times, but I could never get rid of the thought that maybe, maybe, this time, they somehow messed up, and instead of the A-Fuel being deposited, it was just regular water, and I was going to drown momentarily.” 
  • Even though it’s a run on, that’s excusable as it gives the sense that Bridge is spiraling due to her worry. This is well employed considering the first person pov. I like that as the sentence progresses, she starts off trying to cling onto rationality, but then uses words that betray uncertainty (“maybe” and “somehow”). 
  • The tense changed after the “I had done it many times” part—which makes sense in past tense, given she’s reflecting on past experiences and what “they” had already done—but then, the last part could be improved by switching back to present tense for an increased sense of urgency/ immediacy (e.g. …it is just regular water, and I am going to drown).
  • A high-level writing tip I learnt was to end sentences with what will give the greatest impact. For example, let’s say we’re talking about someone dying on a rainy day. The sentence “She died on a rainy day” is technically correct, but consider: “On a rainy day, she died.” On the first, the emphasis is on the ‘rainy day’ as that’s the last thing a reader reads. But the second sentence drives home the point that she died. 
  • Now, how does this apply? I felt this sentence starting off hesitantly and meandering towards its conclusion was quite powerful, but with the ‘momentarily’ at the end, it kind of lost its focus. It also doesn’t really make sense to drown momentarily.
  • I probably mentioned this for every story, but there are a few comma splices: “I wasn't sure of the exact specifics of how it was possible to be connected to a EMTU, physically or mentally, Missy never told me that.” I’d advise looking into semicolons.


  • The ‘Downing’ has an ominous name, which is great for building suspense. I also enjoy the foreshadowing in names like ‘Terror Unit’, which is a subtle way to add a layer of tension to the plot. 
  • It’s interesting how the EMT can only be controlled by specific people, as this adds realism through limiting the number of people who could use it.
  • Also, the whole training pilots to fight enemies of humanity plotline is pretty fascinating, and I’d like to see it expanded into a larger story as it leaves a lot of unresolved questions.

Characters & Plot (and a bit about writing style)

  • Bridge is described well, and has realistic motivations. For example, she desires to take risks and put her years of training to good use, yet at the same time, she struggles with her fears of being submerged in the A-Fuel. At the same time, she wishes to present herself as brave in front of Missy.
  • I love that the story started off with foreshadowing what was to come—namely, the Downing. It was presented as this foreboding event, and sure enough, it was described as a scary experience. 
  • However, I felt like the story escalated really quickly and there wasn’t really a reason for this. One moment, I was enjoying the worldbuilding details and Bridge’s routine of piloting the EMT, and the next, there’s an enemy of humanity who isn’t a replica.
  • Now, this is certainly a plot twist, but I’m not sure if it was executed the best way. Perhaps if this was foreshadowed better—maybe you could have made Missy say something suspicious, and the character wouldn’t think much of it at first—then it’ll feel more connected to the whole storyline as opposed to a random set of events
  • Also, there’s a minor plot-hole: Bridge went on about how easily she could have drowned if they replaced the A-Fuel with water. If Missy had wanted to kill her, wouldn’t that be an easier and much more painless way?
  • The enemy of humanity felt a bit lackluster, if I’m being honest. Could it really be classified as an enemy of humanity if it couldn’t even kill Bridge when she was knocked out from the gun?
  • Still, the last line implies there’s a lot more beneath the surface of this story. It adds layers of complexity to Missy’s character and to this tale as a whole.

Now, these were both rather well-written stories, and I enjoyed reading them. But while the second one was really interesting, it just didn’t feel like a complete short story. It was more like a part of something larger; a chapter 1 of a storygame, or even a prologue. Thus, there were a number of unresolved questions and a few scenes which didn’t really add to a cohesive narrative. This is contrasted with the first story, where a lot of plotlines hinted at near the beginning played a pivotal role in the climax, and were mostly given a sort of conclusion at the end.

Verdict: My vote goes to Story A

P.S. I wrote this rather hurriedly because I was holding up the announcement of winners, so I’ll apologize in advance if there are too many errors throughout. I didn’t manage to proofread much (ironic, I know, considering how I’m nitpicking proofreading errors lol).

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

First, I wanna say thank you for your amazing review. It literally about put me to tears. I love reading well-thought-out reviews and this was just brain candy to me. 


  • "I didn't spend 10 hours a day, for 15 years of my life, in a pitch-black GT tank, just to flake out at the last minute." — Unrelated to this duel, but a specific someone ought to stop spending 10 hours a day spamming the forums and annoying site members enough that they duel her, just to flake out at the last minute.

Lololol that WAS a reference to Ant haha. I'm glad someone at least somewhat understood what I was getting at. 

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one year ago

I have to ask, were you inspired by Evangelion? Your story gave HEAVY Evangelion vibes to me.

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

oH my goodness yesss HAHA. I kind of had it in my mind that Bridge would be Shinji and Missy would be Misato. Feels like I cheated because everyone said it was very creative but no it was basically just evangelion. 

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one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/19/2023 4:03:30 PM

Both interesting stories, well written without any glaring misspellings or mangled grammar.

Story A did an excellent job with quick character development and some sharp worldbuilding, with minimal work.  The story connected the protag with Yiru (really expected that to be Yuri) and the evolving situation.  It might have benefitted in adding some description to Igor's true physicality to better communicate the difficulties that the humans would have in manipulating the mechatank.  There is also an unresolved question as to why the Emperor, if convinced that Yuri was dead, would not have remote destroyed that mechatank just to minimize the threat of it falling into enemy hands.  Ending on the self destruct was a good call, and leaves this reader interested in hearing more of the aftermath and how Yuri was lost in the first place.

Story B did a great job of building interest in the protag quickly, and paints the panic and irritation at ones body not conforming to expectations and training in an efficient and very impactful presentation.  The lead up to the training exercise is excellent and does a great job of building empathy between the reader and the protag. This goes a long way to selling the panic and concern of the protag as the exercise goes to shit.  Unfortunately this empathy also makes the ending of this story very unsatisfactory and confusing as everything that happens once the monster attacks feels random and uncaused.  This is punctuated by the unexplained and unsympathetic murder of a supposedly extremely rare resource (1 of 11) for no apparent reason.  This story would have benefited greatly by another couple paragraphs providing some overheard dialogue or something explaining if the monster was real or just a psychotic hallucination brought on by the pilot's panic or something.

I would vote for A.

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one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/19/2023 4:05:27 PM
Short reviews for both stories:

Story A begins with a nice descriptive scene to introduce the reader to these "mechatanks". Beside the capabilities of the machine, we also learn that it was sentient(whether the mind and the tank are one and the same or separate, I'm not sure). Its backstory was a bit awkward, but it provided a good emotional conflict that ramps up later. I do really love the characterization of the emperor.

The main shining point of this story, imo, was the descriptiveness of the combat and movement of the mech. It painted a great picture of the power of the mech. This begs the question - what did the humans do to capture one?

Overall, I enjoyed this mech-love story.


Story B unravels a different world. I'm a sucker for good dialogue, and the remote communication between bridge and missy read really well in my mind. Looking at the story overall, though, it held less than the first. Missy's motivation along with how she got the monster in are never explored, something that I felt would make the story more complete.

Though this story still held its ground due to the good dialogue and solid writing in general.

I'd give it to A, for its richness of story, though. Very close.

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one year ago

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
What did you like about it, specifically?

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
The writing is masterful as always from the competitor. The story itself is dense with content and it kept me entertained until the very end. I couldn't help but be enthralled by the plot that is so neatly and wonderfully put in this story.

I have to say that I enjoyed every minute of this story. I'm tempted to say that they have outdone themselves, but I don't know who wrote it specifically as of yet. I would like to thank them for yet another wonderful read, I eagerly anticipate the next story that they may create. Be it some inspired sequel to this story or something completely different altogether.

At this point I think that it is safe to say that it is only right for me to look foward to their next piece. The level of care and attention to detail that the competitors place into each of the stories is always a treat to read and enjoy.

Thank you for creating this amazing event and thanks to both authors once again, for writing wonderful and enthralling stories.

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one year ago


Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Hey! I recognize this reference!

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
At least he took the time to customize it slightly.

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
glad you're satisfied with my answer

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
Did you think he actually read them?

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago


Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Ogre, you're way too nice in thinking that he's capable of reading.

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
While both stories are truly on an even level in regards to quality, I think the added layers in characterization, plot and richer descriptions in story A help it eek out a victory.

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one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/19/2023 4:02:28 PM
Story A: First, I really like the title. It’s punchy and memorable.

Overall, the plot and setting do seem a little bit simplistic. An evil, egotistical emperor rules an interstellar emperor with a combination of fear and superior technology. I did appreciate the use of a nonhuman perspective to tell the story, but it seems that the potential really was squandered, since there’s not any real points of alien culture or logic that we can point to. The dominant species is very large and reptilian, but that’s about all the strangeness we see about them. They even still use levers and buttons.

Igor’s task is simple. Wipe out the rebel humans. The small scope is probably a good thing for the size of the story. The author also does a good job from the exposition and the limited combat we see establishing the invulnerability of the mechatanks. The twist is also very simple, and might suffer from that a little in effectiveness. As soon as Yiru is proclaimed dead in a story like this, the reader expects to see his mechatank. The emperor’s insistence that he is not to be questioned about his death makes the ending even more obvious. One thing that was jarring to me was the quick switch from ‘Yiru can’t be dead,” to “Yiru can’t not be dead.” It almost seems like it would have flowed better if the first reaction was cut entirely. The other big confusion that I had concerning the plot is the fact that Igor didn’t even attempt a fight with the humans in the mech. As long as they were effective to their own weapons, it seems like Igor should have been able to dispatch them with very little trouble, as he was experienced and could use all of the controls by himself. It almost seems like he wanted to die.

Speaking of wanting to die, the crowd of suicidal humans also confused me. I suppose they could be sacrificing themselves as a decoy to kill Igor into a false sense of security, but most humans really don’t want to die. It seems like they would have ran away or something.

I will say that in terms of description and sentence structure, this one is really good. The sentences flow into one another naturally and vary in length enough to create an easy rhythm to read to. The internal struggle that Igor has, both when talking to the emperor and when suicide bombing the humans, is effective and powerful.

On another level, it was fun to read about reptilians quashing a human rebellion with little effort and humans, the pesky, hairless monkeys we are, ruining the fun for everyone. Good job.

Story B: First of all, I’m definitely not a fan of “bzzt bzzt shhp” consonant only sound effects. To me they just make the story seem more juvenile, and they’re used a lot here. Probably just personal taste, but they’re prevalent enough that it decreased my enjoyment of the story

I did like the details of technology that went into the world you created. I especially enjoyed the A-fuel. It wasn’t over-explained, and it created a good sense of unfamiliar technology that the layman wouldn’t understand. I also like drowning scenes, even if they don’t end in legitimate drowning deaths. There’s just something about it that’s truly evocative of helplessness.

Something that was odd about this story was the explanation of things I didn’t need explained, and the lack of explanation of the plot, like others have mentioned. The brief flashback that seemed to only be there to cement the fact that the protagonist didn’t know something doesn’t seem necessary.

Like others have pointed out, the story seems to break off with no real explanation for why any of this happened. It’s like it’s unfinished.

There was more characterizing moments in this story though.

All in all, my vote goes to story A

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one year ago

Excuse me I am worth the praise, I'm the most beautiful and elegant woman here. I embody innocence teehee

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
If the multiple thread splits to clean out the rubbish didn't make it clear:

This is a thread for authors and voters.

Do not post in here again unless you have something on topic to say.

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one year ago

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Eek scary okay. I honestly really loved the stories and the prompt, sorry I didn't write it but I loved story A the most tbh. I love the title  it's a shame i didn't write and i sincerely apologize

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one year ago

While Ant is pissing around the forum and making a fool out of herself by unsuccesfully soliciting our wholesome CYStians with underage sexting while hiding from Suranna in Guatemala while bringing shame to her ever exasperated guardian Sent, another true daughter has made herself useful again by taking up the role of being a punching bag for our seething teenage girl Suranna. 

Well, I guess the punching bag was a little too effective. 

While Suranna fought valiantly and like a true honorable defender of the essence of a raging teenage girl with some heavy writing chops, Typecat, the beloved author of the newly released Underland and the newest daughter of Endmaster, defended her title a little too viciously as the "one teenage girl who had beaten an adult (almost) fully grown man twice and she wasn't willing to give up her title any time soon as one might see in the following results. 

Typecat, our mystery dueler won! 

Congrats Typecat, I expected no less from you! Suranna, your story genuinely surprised me how good it was, well done! If you had battled Ant, you would have probably won. 

@typewritercat @Suranna

Claim your reward

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one year ago

Story A is from Typecat, Story B is from Suranna

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Congratulations on winning, TypeCat! You've consistently proved yourself to be the top teen girl in duels so far. 

Also, well done to Suranna! Your story is quite impressive, even more so considering it's the first thing you've written on this site. 

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Congratulations to Typecat for not only a win, but the first mystery dueler win!  Great job to Suranna as well, this was a great intro piece to show the site.

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Of course TCat won, I would expect no less from one my own.

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Great job, Tcat. 

If you do so well, you can almost make up for when I do bad. 


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one year ago

Wholesome? Hah. But congradulation Tcat, you slayed bestie I loved your story. Also highly doubt Tcat would've won sorry bestie. But I think that Story B had a lot of charm in it

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one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/20/2023 4:42:16 AM

I appreciate everyone's opinions and thoughts of my story. All of you were right about the pacing. I had the first half written early on and the second half was written in the last two hours of my time so shame on me. I think I would have stood a better chance of winning if I didn't procrastinate. 


Congratulations typewritercat! It was an honor dueling you. I fought hard, but your defenses were far too strong for a newly-hatched fledgling like me. Perhaps I can grind some more experience points and duel you again sometime. :)


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one year ago
Well if you're of a mind to polish and expand it, I think at least a few of us would like to see that, and it would be another comm of course. Really most of these stories I could see making the leap to storygames pretty smoothly as well.

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one year ago

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
Also Suranna, just wanted to say it's pretty cool you popped up when you did and have been getting involved in things. After seven years of lurking it's about time, girl! Hoping we'll continue to see you around and get to read more of your contributions.

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Aww thanks. If I could commend this I would, it means a lot. I have a big fear of getting shanked on this website so that's why I've been lurking for so long but I'm glad I was able to get over it and start an account. I really love the community on here despite how everyone can be kind of scary sometimes. It has a "harsh, but true" thing going for it that I think the world needs more. As for the story, I think I'll rework it and publish it as a short story on the forum. 

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one year ago

I don't think you're going to get shanked (and it's not just because there's much better targets)

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago


Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/20/2023 4:42:26 AM

Add Suranna to the list of those beaten by small children.

Suranna vs Ant, teen girl slaughter live on CYS

one year ago

Good job bestie :heart_eyes: