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hay guys I have made a DEMO

plzz tell me how can do better


https://chooseyourstory.com/story/pressure-e

Do what I said: run all your sentences through Microsoft Word spell / grammar checker first (or Grammarly), develop a plot, develop branching, don't praise your own illiteracy and don't say you'll follow advice and then ignore it or people will assume you're a troll or an idiot or both and ban you. Believe me, if you publish this story in its current form all you will get will be a ton of criticism varying from the helpful (me) to the abusive that you almost certainly will respond badly to. Giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you're not a trolling account (it's hard to tell the difference between trolls and those not over-blessed on the intelligent quotient scale because they're usually the same thing) if you're fixed on being a writer despite the fact you can't spell three-letter words like "hey" you MUST get someone or something to proofread your writing for you.

On the bright side I'm pretty sure you haven't got AI writing your stories for you. Or, if you have, it's very, very broken.

Thankfully, you have this set so that no one can see it but us mods.

I already told you to read some of the other games on the site so you can see what readers are looking for. I see you didn't do that. But, well, failing that...what's the last book made of paper that you read and liked, and can you tell us why your own story contains none of the same elements that made it good to you?

I'm just not in the mood to engage with any of this, you seem almost proud of your lack of basic English. Work on that first by reading more good books before worrying about writing. If you don't care enough to make you writing presentable, then you don't care about writing and have no real reason to do it.

....did you think we wouldn't be able to see that this was you?

well its nice some played it even if they say it sucks.

I know you are trying to help but the things you said felt mean even if you didn't mean to.

by the way I didn't use AI I used my brain......my very stupid brain.

if I ever do another one and it's bad I might just give up and stop.

It's going to be bad, because you ignore all advice on improving, and won't look at any other storygames here to see the actual standards you should be aiming for. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe just don't publish a 130 word "demo" full of errors that you've been told is full of errors and will not be appreciated if published, I dunno what else to tell you kid. And I don't have time to read your DMs right now.

well I'm sorry.

I'm new maby go nice on them...

or I if your not going to be nice then go scurw yourself and go away I don't want your negative energy.

I'm trying to get ready for work so thanks for making this quick. Do you prefer the hammer or the scythe?

I don't know I'm just a kid which makes to many comic books in my art book about stick fingers. that's all I do.

Is English your first language? This will impact the advice I give you.

Of course it is. No one learning a second language types like that.

and you Mizal stop being rude I just wanted a group of people helping me get better becous I'm new and you are messing it ALL UP!!! NOW GO F##KING AWAY AND TELL YOUR NEGITIV WORDS TO SOMEONE ELL'S!!!

This is a harsh site, kid, if you're too young for the all around toxisity I suggest you leave and come back later.

yes it is.

Then my advice is to read. Start slow. Something like "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus" or "The Hungry Hungry Caterpillar." Work your way up from there paying close attention to conventional spelling, grammar, and the basic components of story

Also attend school

I do I'm in hieh school

Oh, my mistake. Perhaps you should fellate the muzzle of a firearm?

DUDE

THIS IS (most likely) A CHILD

Can't save them all

What? He just said he's in high school, why would he be lying?

Lol, I think we both know the answer to that

So he's high in school. I've known lots of folks that could still spell when they are high.  

Out of curiosity, have any of your teachers ever commented on your spelling? How well do you fare when asked to write essays or submit written assignments in class?

(Edited) Ok sorry that was a little mean

Yeah, poor kid, he's probably failing kindergarten :(

XD

To pass kindergarden you mostly just have to exist

Oh, sure buddy...

which is stupid to sound.

What do you mean?

For those reading along, here is the hole stor

This is gotta be someone trolling because if he's actually this retarded I'm wondering how the hell he's even able to operate a device that's internet capable without forgetting how to breathe.

Let alone being able to dribble out the mongoloid text he's been doing.

Must be a kindergardener on an ipad or something of the like.

I'm 12 years old Wich makes to many comics

Oh, sure buddy, I was just 12 recently, first, you wouldn't be in high school don't contradict yourself, and second, if you were my age I would be CONCERNED

Trust me when I say I know you're not my age

A 12 year old in high school must be a genius beyond all reckoning.

They would know not to act stupid. Also not genius, just smart enough to skip to that grade, which is high school intelligence, not genius.

You're a witch? Get him, everyone! Burn him alive!

He's missing the T

Most 6 year old boys are.

?

Those of the Male sex have higher levels of testosterone, but before puberty, they don't. I'm saying this kid is five.

No idea what you're talking about. Sorry.

I started this so I can get better with my spelling but MIZAL is being rude and its NOT HELPING!

This isn't spelling bee, sorry, pal. If you want to get better at spelling maybe ask your teacher or parent for help or even a better site. This place is filled with adults, things you SOULD NOT SEE, and toxisity so I highly reccomend leaving.

She's the reason you made this post and spelled almost every word correctly, so I think she's helping quite a lot.

You've got to learn basic English on your own, that's not on us. You just ignoring everyone telling you it's bad is not going to fix it.

Wow. The education system is surely failing if kids these days cannot be basically literate when they get online.  This one is too stupid to even use spellcheck.  

I have ADHD and aurtizem.

Thats no excuse for being stupid.  I know plenty of people with conditions like that who can figure things out and that understand how to use spellcheck in word.  You are both lazy and stupid if you cant figure out how to work through that.

There are many ways we've made to help with those and they're not so extreme as to make someone illiterate. Even problem kids who don't learn can spell by 12, at least where I live.

It isnt even learning how to spell. Spell check will spell for them.  They are both stupid and lazy - literally.

Unless they still happen to be learning how to use the internet and spell check lol

Well, that falls into the stupid category.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

You also have sepsis. I can tell these things. You should see a doctor

Aurtizem? Was that one of the places where they gassed the Jews?

Ah, the victim card. I'm going to assume you're not a troll account because it's pretty low quality trolling if it is indeed that.

As someone else with ADHD and autism (at least I assume that's what you meant by "aurtizem"), I can tell you that your life is going to absolutely suck if you never take criticism, and always come up with excuses. Life doesn't revolve around you, and most people are just going to laugh at you for being monumentally retarded. You have to use your brain, take in information, think on it, and utilize it. Maybe start by reading what you wrote before you post it, that certainly helps me!

THINK MARK, THINK!

Thankfully this one doesn't appear to be American, for once it's not on us

*Phew*

That depends on which of their IP addresses you check (though one or more could be a VPN).

There's MULTIPLE?!

Avo, I know it's fun to mock retards, but one has to be careful one does not say anything that reveals one is living in a glass house

Not what I was trying to do...

Hey, I'm just tryna help a nigga out

...*sighs* I'm fine with it, just leave the little kid alone

I saw evidence of a school network.

I see it now, that's consistent with most IPs. Yep, he's not American. 

He got help from a friendly passing kangaroo.

after the first few comments I found out this Is not what I thought I was going to be

Yeah...

well this is not what I exspect from the forum NEWBIE CENTRAL.

onlisty I wish I can show you my comics




they have no words.

That's still cool!

you have to use the pitcher's to tell what they saying and felling

That's how it works in most comics. I wanted to make a comment at one point, but I'm not too good a drawer and Iike writing but there were so few words.

Well then they are just like you.  You dont seem to use words either!

Ok I genuinely have no idea what that first word is.

 lol

It's honestly

Glad we got someone that can translate gen alphie around here.

That has to be the worst misspelling thus far.

it's genuinely entertaining at this point. creative, even. how do you get ell's and onlistly (??) from else and honestly?
covid really f-ed with kids' brains huh-

Newbie is for people new to the site and considering people your age (or literacy, for that matter) don't usually get allowed online I don't think they expected you. It's still not good for you to be here.

We have standards. Your story didn't meet them, it was taken down. You are not special.

--well okay, you clearly ARE special, but not in a way that means you get to just show up in our living room and do whatever you want and no one will say anything. If the thing you posted is bad, people are going to say so and treat it like anything else that anyone else would post. There is no "no negative energy" clause except in your own head, and that space would honestly be much better utilized in learning the basics of your own native language.

He's "special."

I think he's a troll. That "storygame" Mizal posted is brilliantly bad. He's doing this on purpose.

Maybe...

Wonder why Thara is using an alt

Yeah, it's me.

This warden is pathetic, the best thing you can do for your story is abort it.

Yeah I think the obstetrician might have told his mother something similar to that, but she didn't listen either.

I have been thinking, I will take over this thread. The Great Usurpation is alive!!

You can see my game that is NOT a demo, it has better writing, you can tell me how to improve. I am running laps around my competitors while some have not made it to the starting line.

https://chooseyourstory.com/story/ever-been-chased-by-a-dinosaur

Glad I picked the right side.

I do not wish to start another thread because there are many but I will address some comments here.

@Benholman the hint page has scripting. If you die and reset, you can find a hint there depending on how you died, it is a joke that it is empty at first ! Some other story games on the site have options where you can repeat the same link many time like "Tower of Riddles" but nothing happens. It is my intention to add that if you re-click the link often, you get a hint on the page.

The dare being pointless, that is the point, the story is a parody of what content creators do when attempting to be amusing for an audience. All your feedback seem only to be the initial parts of the game; I can see why Mizal says you are skim reading.

@Anthraxus the quicksand is bypassed with the Land Rover-saurus, maybe I should have made clearer. I wanted some tricky parts like in Gryphon's game "Ruins of Anzar". Thanks for the review, I will implement next time, it is appreciated.

Wow, I missed something big.

@stories_unwritten

Aldreda is a Warden who has never written a game and never writes reviews, but puts 3/8s on all your games without reading them, how do you feel about that?

I pity them, they are poisoned by envy and consigned to their pre-determined worthlessness. At least others like Clayfinger I can respect for trying.

Sure am seeing a lot of sped kids gnawing on the furniture around here lately.

oh hay I'm making a new game and THIS TIME I'm going to try my best and do it properly.

Keith, please let me spell check before you upload your game and please make a full game this time

cool by the way you are all ready my co-author.

Yes, I am a coauthor of your game. tell me when you are ready for me to check the game before you upload it.

How do you two know each other?

Keith and I have met before.

If that means you invited him, it would really be best not to do that with anyone else unless they're at least 12 and able to communicate with normal sentences.

You should make him look up the words and correct his own spelling too, he'll never learn if you just do it for him.

Now what about Jonathan, whose fault is he?

His parents.

And his educational system.

No fooense, but you spelled properly right and not hi?...