Okay so Mizal was asking me about this, but since it’s a lot of info and I don’t feel like dealing with the spotty AIDS ridden server at the Villain Lair (It probably caught it from Steve) and furiously typing a bunch of shit whenever I can actually get a hold of her on there, I’m just going to put it here instead.
And yes, I could also just do a PM, but since Sentinel was also asking about boardgame related shit recently too, I might as well post for all to enjoy or whatever. Feel free to make your own suggestions.
Anyway, apparently Mizal potentially has a group of soccer moms to play with so no doubt they’re a bunch of filthy casuals when it comes to boardgames and will need simple rules. I’ll try to oblige, but it’ll probably go off rails at times. I’ll also try to avoid games with a shitload of expansions.
Okay, here’s 10 in no particular order:
1. Survive! Escape From Atlantis
This one isn’t that complex. Everyone has some people on Atlantis and you have to get them to another island while Atlantis is falling apart. Of course while that’s all going on, there are sharks, whales and sea serpents in the water ready to eat you (or destroy your boats). Get your people to safety while trying to kill everyone else. It’s pretty cutthroat which is why I like it.
There are a couple mini-expansions, one which adds 5&6 players (But Mizal doesn’t have that many friends. Lol) and another which adds giant squids if you want the game to be even more dangerous. (Of course you do)
2. Castle Panic
This is another easy one. Everyone has to work together so the castle in the center of the board that they’re defending doesn’t get overrun by the monsters that are attacking it. You play various cards to kill them or rebuild your destroyed walls. It’s basically a tower defense game in boardgames format.
You usually play it co-op, but it’s more fun to play it semi co-op so the person who killed the most monsters is the ultimate winner.
If you ever manage to get past your filthy casual phase, there are some mini-expansions that ramp up the difficulty and change the game a bit. (Like adding a wizard’s tower so you get magic spells, tougher monsters, etc)
There’s also Zombie Panic, if you want a modern zombie theme instead. Plays slightly different, but similar premise.
3. Downfall of Pompeii
In this one, you start off by placing your people in the empty buildings of the city and try to get as many as you can in the city before the volcano erupts. When the volcano does erupt now you have the task of getting them all out before they all get killed. Obviously the more people you save the more points you get.
This one is similar to Survive in that it gets cutthroat since everyone is trying to divert the lava to the other players instead. I remember killing a shitload of folks by blocking off all the exits on one side of the city. I had to kill some of my own people in the process, but it was worth it and I won.
4. King of Tokyo
Doesn’t get any simpler than rolling a lot of dice Yahtzee style. In this one, you take control of a giant monster and try to beat the chicken soup out of all the other monsters. Along the way, there are cards in play that you can gain which give your monster various abilities and advantages. You either win by being the last monster standing or getting 20 victory points before everyone else.
Again, this one has some expansions. One of which makes all the monsters a bit more “personalized” by giving them their own unique abilities.
Also there’s another version called King of New York which adds more complex rules, but I figure you’ll have a hard enough time figuring out the base game.
5. Forbidden Desert
This is another Co-op. Basically you and the other players are stuck in a desert and you have to rebuild this vehicle to get yourselves out of there before you’re buried by it. Each player has a different role, so they all have unique abilities. (Carry more water, dig out more desert tiles, move quicker, etc) Meanwhile the desert is constantly shifting, the sun is beating down and the sandstorms get worse.
There is another version of this game as well called Forbidden Island (Which came out first) which is a sinking island where you have to find four treasures instead. It’s a little easier too, if you think FD might be too difficult for you and the soccer moms.
6. Tsuro of the Seas
This one is an abstract strategy game, but it’s pretty easy and if you ever get more people that like you (Never happen. Lol) it can play up to 8 and still not get bogged down. You take control of a ship and lay down tiles to create your path. The object is to do this as long as possible without going off the board or crashing into another or eaten by a sea serpent. Last player still alive on the board wins.
And as usual, there is another version of this game just called Tsuro (came out first) which is simpler (No sea serpents) but I’m suggesting this version not because I’m mocking you yet again for being a newbie scrub, but because you can still play this game without the sea serpents. So you’re getting both versions already.
Also if you want more to this game, there’s a mini-expansion which adds a few extra things (whirlpools, cannons to kill the serpents, etc)
7. Awful Green Things From Outer Space
Since I know you don’t really have any friends and the few people that you can actually convince to play with you can be counted on one half of a hand, I’m suggesting this 2 player game. Now I could also suggest Hive if you want something more abstract and more chess like, but I’m still trying to mostly go with games that have a theme, because that’s generally more fun.
Anyway, in this game you either take the role of the ship’s crew or the green things. The crew are trying to kill the green things and vice versa. Generally the green things are better at combat and can replenish their losses while the crew can’t, but they can use various objects on the ship to help them in combat. The problem lies with it is unknown what effect these items will have on the green things. So a jar of acid for example, might kill them or it might just stun them, or it could even make them grow. You won’t know until you test everything out.
And if all else fails, the crew can escape in their life pods and blow up the ship, but then you have to play out a little CYOA (with some dice rolling) to see if those pods actually make it to safety. (So you could still lose if everyone dies on the way)
8. The Doom That Came To Atlantic City
It’s Cthulhu monopoly!
No, actually it isn’t one of the many themed monopoly boards. This is actually it’s own game, but it’s very similar to monopoly. Or rather a reversed version of it so it should be simple enough even for you to grasp.
You take control of a great old one (each one has its own special ability) and you go around the board destroying property. Destroy all the property and you get to open up a gate to your dimension there. You also gain cultists which you can then eat/sacrifice for more powers. You can also fight the other players on the board.
First person to open six gates to their dimension wins, but there are some other cards that can lead to a shortcut victory if you fulfill the requirements. Game comes with some really cool figures that represent your other worldly horrors too.
I’d suggest Ghettopoly too for the lulz factor, but good luck ever finding it since it got banned soon after it was released. Glad I still got my copy.
9. Guillotine
This one is a card game with a cool premise. It’s the French revolution and you’re trying to collect as many valuable heads as possible within 3 days (12 random people per day). Obviously some people are worth more points than others. So chopping off the head of Marie Antoinette is going to be worth a lot more than the Royal Piss Boy (No seriously, there’s a character called that in the game).
You’ll play various cards that allow you to alter the chopping block line so you can get the more valuable people in front or perhaps increase the value of some of the cards or even steal a few heads from other players.
By the end of three days, whoever has the most points wins. Simple.
10. Tales of Arabian Nights
Saved this one for last since I know I mentioned it briefly to you before in the Villain Lair, but I should go into greater detail.
Basically this is a CYOA in board game format. In fact this is one of those rare games where winning isn’t necessarily the important thing, it’s all the crazy shit that can happen to you on your way to trying to accomplish your goals.
You pick a character and a quest and you go from there. You move about on the board, rolling dice, picking up cards and choosing what you want to do on your encounters.
So a typical encounter, you run into a crazy beggar, you want to talk to him, avoid him, attack him, etc. then from there you see what happens.
There are also abilities you can gain that some encounters will ask you for or will allow you to do different things for an encounter (or increase your chances of succeeding).
Also there are many afflictions that can occur due to your encounters. You can be crippled, blessed, turned into a beast, get married, wounded, jailed, outlawed, go insane, become a sultan, and a whole lot more. There is also the dreaded sex changed affliction. (More on that one later)
These afflictions also effect your character in various ways, so like if you got turned into a beast, you can’t use your courtly graces of seduction skill. Or if you’re insane, another player chooses your actions during your encounters. Being jailed has its whole other CYOA section of you attempting to escape.
Other things include gaining treasures or gaining access to the really special location encounters that you normally can't just access.
The goal of the game is to accumulate enough destiny and story points and return to Baghdad before everyone else, but as I said, it really is one of those games you play just to see what sort of wacky adventure you have. And it comes with a huge encounters book so you aren’t repeating anything anytime soon and you’ll probably forget if you did as long as you space out your playthroughs.
Just make sure if you’re sex changed, you change yourself back to your original gender because the rules specifically say you cannot win while being sex changed. Yes, you heard right, you cannot win as a tranny and it’s REALLY fucking difficult to change yourself back to normal. (Just like in real life!)
Combine that with the references to praising Allah and enforced heteronormativity (You can only court/marry the opposite gender) and you couldn’t feel more immersed in the patriarchical Islamic setting if you were blowing yourself up to kill the infidels! (I typically play as Sinbad)
Now there is another game called Agents of SMERSH which is another CYOA type boardgame, but that one is much more complex and it might be harder to find.
However, if you want a co-op secret agent set in the 60s theme, then this is one to go for. Hell, I’d say get them both if you can.
Honorable Mention: Talisman
Just adding this one since it's pretty simple and it’s one of my favorite games.
This one is an adventure game of just trying to build your character’s stats up, gain equipment and spells, all to get powerful enough to kill/dominate the other players. It’s simple enough, but there’s many different characters you can play as and cards/spaces to encounter. It’s also an expansion monster. Last edition had 14 expansions, 15 with the unofficial fan made one to round out the board. (And yes I own them all)
However you’re probably not going to easily find it now since licensing agreements for it ran out, and it’s becoming out of stock, but it’s going to be republished at some point in the future by another company.
Anyway, those are 10 games which I think you’d probably like and are low on the complexity scale. I can certainly give more suggestions if you want them.
And Sentinel if you want a really cool game with zombies, story telling, traitors, and more plastic stands than you’ll know what to do with, go buy Dead of Winter (And the expansion The Long Night)