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Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

11 days ago
@corgi213
@FemaleWolverine


No more delays. The day is upon us and it's time to meet upon the field of honor. Two writers ride in, only one rider writes out.

Your theme for this match is only one word: VENGEANCE.

Any genre, 2500 words or less.

Remember, they must be kept anonymous so send your entry to me and I'll post them in the thread for voting.

The deadline is 11:59pm on Sunday, CDT.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

11 days ago
Hype!

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

11 days ago
Rematch of the year right here

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

11 days ago
Very much looking forward to a fair match!

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

11 days ago
Are there betting odds on actually getting two submissions for this battle?

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

11 days ago
Corgi has his honor at stake after losing to her the last time, and Fem has the endless free time of a 12 year old.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

11 days ago
Both contestants have logged in, however briefly, yet they haven't said a word in this thread.

I assume that they're working so hard that they don't have the time to post, I'm amazed.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

10 days ago
Oh whoops I actually took up tons of Corgi's time today on something unrelated. But I have faith he'll manage still.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

11 days ago

Whoever loses should be murdered as a funny reference to Squid Game

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

11 days ago

Best of luck to both contestants! Looking forward to this.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

10 days ago

The theme is so fitting for some reason.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

10 days ago

Might I suggest a site-wide battle royale writing competition (after this match is done, of course) with seeds and brackets like the NCAA tournament, with these sort of 1v1 battles until one writer is left the winner, and no-shows automatically losing their matchup? It might be a fun and interesting diversion from the usual contests. All of the entrants would have to stay anonymous to the judges until the final winner has been declared, though.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

10 days ago
I think this has been suggested before, and I think consensus was that the powers of apathy and sloth would prevent it from going too far as an ongoing and organized thing.

A couple of people just brawling in the streets now and then over imagined slights I suppose may be more CYStian anyway.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

10 days ago
Sloth vs Apathy is the matchup between seeds 13 and 4 in the southeast division.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago

Aww, too bad.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

10 days ago

@FemaleWolverine 

Smh you can't even write. Your momma is a ho. Your dad is a ho. You are a ho. Your cat is a ho. You dog a ho. Your goldfish is a ho.

Your writing stinks, and I could write a whole story about it. But it would just be better to glaze over the details.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

10 days ago
Goodness, aggression in the form of a taunt from a contestant!

We wait for the other to respond…

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

10 days ago

Trashtalking in its finest form is a way to overcompensate  for something else. As for Corgi I will leave it to his writing to reveal that in due time. /s

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

9 days ago

Ironically, instead of scaring FemW off, I think this message will serve to motivate her instead. Corgi already wanted vengeance because FemW defeated him in the last battle, so he's probably inspired by the theme. However, by him posting this, FemW will be motivated to get vengeance too after all the name-calling, thus the theme fits for the both of them.

In any case, I wonder if she will reply to this amusing message.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

9 days ago

Thank you, random side character in the anime that is just there to explain things.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

9 days ago

No problem! Did you know that the reason why younger generations tend to use 'no problem' instead of 'you're welcome' is because they feel the need to assure others that helping them is of no burden? On the other hand, some members of the older generation view helping as something extra, thus they are essentially accepting the thanks. It's kind of related to symbolic interactionism!

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

9 days ago
@corgi213 lol ok :)

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

8 days ago
@corgi213 @FemaleWolverine You guys get an extra 24 hours because I can't pay attention to any of this until Tuesday morning anyway. New deadline Monday at 11:59 pm. These stories better be GOOD.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

7 days ago
Central daylight time, right?

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

7 days ago
I still live in the same place so yes.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

7 days ago
We’re nearing the last few hours without a peep from our contestants…

A tense, anxious mood blankets the cystadium, the onlookers talk in hushed tones, awaiting the submissions…

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

6 days ago
I've got a story from one of them.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

6 days ago
I need some more time, final proofreading

Edit : All done :)

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

6 days ago
Hype!

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

6 days ago
I'm getting a strange sense of deja vu here...

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

6 days ago
Hype! never dies

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

6 days ago

I'm dying to see two preschoolers verbally fight each other with little pencils.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

6 days ago
Oh, I guarantee you're going to love these. @Gower will too.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

6 days ago
Story #1 -- Ghost eat ghost world And that's why I want to be a reporter, mommy!", the young girl giggled. Her mother chuckled, "You'll be the best reporter in the world, Amanda." Amanda smiled, "For sure! And when I'm rich, I'll get you a mansion!" Her mother was about to respond, but suddenly bolted upright. Amanda cocked her head. Her mother was trembling as she put her hand on Amanda's shoulder and whispered, "H-hey sweetie, want to play hide and seek?" Amanda whispered back, "Yeah!" "Okay sweetie, I'll hide and you seek. But you need to go outside, okay? "Yes mommy!" Amanda heard a thud outside the room, but before she could say anything, her mother rushed her to a window and made her get onto a tree right next to it. She had climbed it multiple times so she wasn't worried about getting down. She quickly got down and nodded to her mother who had her finger on her lips, signalling her to be quiet. Amanda nodded again and went off to hide, not thinking anything was wrong. She found a spot behind a few trees and hid, mere seconds before a blood-curdling scream ripped through the air. Startled, she was about to get up, but a movement stopped her. A tall, muscular man with a bloody knife clutched in his hand rushed out of the house. Amanda stood still, taking note of his features. He had a sharp jawline and pale skin, not to mention his sharp nose and thing lips. The mysterious man looked around before running away. But that was a long time ago. A lot happened since then, her mother was dead (just in case you didn't figure it out) and you're probably thinking 'Atleast she still has her father, right?' Wrong, her father died of a heart attack when she was two. So that led to her getting put into an orphanage, but the people running it were irresponsible little fucks and she had died of starvation in all but a few days. But, by some miracle, she awoke again, as a ghost, that is. She had matured a lot and had made a vow to get revenge on the person who took away her family. The people who ran the orphanage, well, she was actually glad they forgot about her. Now, she could properly seek revenge without facing the consequences. After all, what could they possibly do to a ghost? Yeah...it wasn't as easy as she thought. She had been searching for the murderer for years. She could still vividly remember him, but she felt compelled to give up every single day. She sighed as she floated through a town, knowing there was a very tiny chance she would find him. Suddenly, she did a double take. It was him. The person who she had been searching for, for who knows how many years. The person who had murdered her mother. Rage shot through her and before she knew it, she was lunging at him, no holds barred. But the hit never landed. Instead her fist went right through his head. Surprised, she swung over and over, getting the same result every time. Frustrated, she flew up, wondering what to do. She was pulled out of her thoughts by soft singing. Feeling drawn to it, she almost unwilling moved towards it, eventually tracing it towards a pencil. She flew around it warily, still hearing the music. Flying into it, she felt a strange sensation. It was like the pencil had merged with her very being. She felt a presence in it, the same presence she had heard the music from. Before she could investigate however, she heard footsteps drawing closer. Looking up, she saw a man that looked like he was in his twenties. He looked around and grabbed the pencil, causing Amanda's perspective to shift.She was looking through the man's eyes. He was wielding the pencil like it was a weapon, pointing it at two other people that ran up behind him. They were intimidating people, practically six feet of pure muscle. She recognised the matching uniforms they had. 'The police? Why are they chasing him, is he a criminal? The police raised their guns towards his head and said, " You, Lucas Briggs, are under arrest for the murder of more than seven people." Lucas paused for a moment and then, understanding the situation he was in, put his hands in the air. Meanwhile, Amanda was pondering the situation, 'So, he's a serial killer huh? Well, since he's killed so many people, it won't affect him to kill just one more...right?' Convincing herself, she possessed Lucas again, causing the police to gasp. Using the pencil, she stabbed first one policeman, then the other and kicked them in the balls, for good measure. Grabbing a gun, she went straight towards where she saw the murderer and hid, keeping him in her line of sight. She had enough common sense not to murder him in broad daylight.Her plan was to track him until nighttime fell. Then, killing him would be easy. Yeah, she had though of just letting the police handle it, but that was before she realised the level of incompetence the police had. They couldn't even track down the murderer, and they could have really done a better job finding an orphanage, but nO! She could just do it herself, but the second she realised that she needed to be in a position of power which she was nowhere near the age of even being considered as anything but dumb, she was stumped. That is, until she became a ghost, then it was easy to figure out. It was finally night and she could see the police searching town just a few feet away. Knowing they were looking for the body she was currently inhabiting, she moved quickly. Entering the house, she had seen the murderer, who she nicknamed 'A' short for 'Asshole who murdered my mother', it was about to be 'Awmmm' but that sounded wierd, so she stuck with A. She could see him having dinner, and creeped back into the shadows. 'Dammit! Too early!' She had no choice but to stand there as stiff as a rock, hoping she wouldn't get caught. It was then that she realised that she, er, Lucas, wa still holding the pencil and the thing started singing again. Internally panicking, she almost chucked the pencil at the wall, fearing that someone might hear it. It didn't seem like A could though. 'Is he deaf or are ghosts the only ones who can hear that?' She decided to ponder over that later as A was headed to bed. Beyond excited, she checked to see if she still had the gun. She did. Now, all that was left was to wait for him to go to sleep. It took a few hours, and she almost dosed off herself, but he had finally fallen asleep. Creeping closer, she cocked the gun to his head and taking a deep breath shot the trigger. But, her grip was not prepared for the strength that the bullet would fly out with and she missed, the bullet only skinned his nose. But, it was too late. A got up, and reached for a gun under his pillow. He clearly had much more experience with it that Amanda did, seeing as he had managed to shoot Lucas three times. She was pretty sure that he was dead, the only reason his body hadn't collapsed was because he wasn't in control of it anymore. She could hear sirens drawing closer and closer by the second. Knowing she didn't have much time, she grabbed a knife she spotted on his nightstand and lunges at him. He darted back, causing her to stumble. She dug her knife into his stomach, using the leverage to stop herself from hitting the floor. The singing was back, more intense than ever. She resisted, focusing on her target. She dug her heels into the floor and stabbed him. The knife went hilt-deep into his chest but he shot at her anyway, this bullet went through Lucas's eye. She pulled the knife out of his chest and stabbed him again. But there was no need, he was already dead. A collapsed along with Lucas, Amanda had left his body. She gazed on in silence. Then, she was distracted by the music. Oh, the music. It felt like it was taking control of her. She couldn't think at all, and she unwillingly moved towards the pencil. She was trying to resist, she couldn't seem to stop. She looked down at her feet in desperation, and was shocked to find claws instead, her fingers were claws too. Her entire body was devoid of color and she saw black veins covering most of it. She was basically a skeleton. She gaped in shock, causing black liquid to ooze from her mouth. Quickly closing it, she looked back at the pencil still unwillingly moving closer to it. She heard a voice from it, " Food! Finally... I haven't eaten in so long!" She writhed in fear, forcing herself not to scream. But she was sucked into the pencil and her screams were the last thing heard before the police busted the door down.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

6 days ago
Revengeance, by FemWolvering He was wronged. He was beaten. By a fucking eleven year old. This time, it would be different. A request had been made for a rematch, by the cool and awesome and good at writing queen of cystia, Mizal. Corgi dons his watermelon helmet, awkwardly gripped his lance in his paws, and climbed atop his steed. A cranky, lanky limbed pony with a top hat. The dogs ill fitted armor clanked in his saddle as he rode through town. "Good luck." Said one cystian. "Fuck off." Said another. That didn't dampen Corgi's spirits. Because he wasn't paying much attention anyways. Bitterly, Corgi remembers the last duel. The turn out had been great, Mizal over saw the affair. Seated next to various judges. And judgmental they were. Corgi had been well practiced in holding a pointy thing and hoping it hits someone in a ye ole drive by. The child was untrained, and tended to ramble. As both contestants drew near with their wooden lances, the child spied something shiny on the ground and leaned over to pick it up. Her lance swung haphazardly, hitting Corgi in the eye rather than his shield with the red target painted on it. Corgi fell from the horse with a splinter in his eye, and lost the duel. This time would be different. He's not afraid to hit an eleven year old child in combat, and he would prove it this day. He arrives at the tournament grounds. Stopping by a tent conveniently placed for him. Being a dog, it was hard to put on his armor. Luckily Derp and Chef happened to be passing by, and Corgi hounded them into helping. As this was going on, they gave him advice on how to handle vanquishing this dumb child. Derp gave him a lot of pointers on jousting, using a lot of terminology Corgi did not understand but he pretended he did nonetheless. Chef meanwhile advised Corgi to beat the child at her own game, and be as incompetent as possible. Not outside the realm of Corgi's capabilities, the dog noted. Eventually, Corgi was suited up and arrived at the jousting grounds. It was a grand affair. All of five whole people or so had turned up. On one side of the grounds, you could see the city. On the other, the cliffs leading to a very steep drop to the ocean below. He rode about a bit, for some reason the going was very slow and awkward on his pony. Sent stood on a platform, entertaining the masses with lutes and stories of forbidden knowledges. Corgi distractedly listened for a while. But when it was done and Sent asked him to recount something he had learned.... "Whatwhatwhatwhat!" Corgi borked. And then continued on. Across the way, Corgi saw the child, holding a glass jar with a goldfish in it. Being overtaken with rage, Corgi howled several insults at her, as well as her goldfish. Someone surmised that Corgi's trash talk was to compensate for his lack of jousting prowess. Pfft! The nerve! If only this knave knew how many people Corgi had gently poked in the chest with his lance. He would be singing a different tune for sure. A warrior appeared, one of the mystics from the esteemed order of the architects. Blonde of hair, fancy get up, and a scar down one side of their face. They watched the trashtalk solemnly. Shutting their eyes as they listened intently. "Ironic." They said, to the surprise of those present. "It seems this bout of trash talking won't scare the child off. But she seems motivated instead. No doubt Corgi, who wants his revenge, is already motivated. But this name calling could not have done much to unnerve her, instead, it will only serve to make her vengeful as well." Well, someone needs to stand off to the side sagely describing what people are thinking. Corgi decided he likes this side character before riding by the seats. There were a handful of people seated. Mizal had a large cloak wrapped around her, a very loose fit one. So no one would be tempted to make the obvious joke. Ahead of him was his foe, the stupid child. She looks to Mizal. "I showed up in time right?" Mizal sighs. "Yes." The child beams and rides off to take her position on one side of the jousting line. Next Corgi rode up, his pony's tail wafting up and hitting him in the face. Corgi reached into his pocket, within was a die with twenty sides on it. But rather then being numbered one through twenty, every side was labeled with a twenty. He gave it to her and hoped that would instill enough good will that she declare him the victor if the match came close. She put it in her pocket but informed him that the other people present would be judging their skill. And very judgementally she adds. Corgi hadn't been listening, but she stopped talking at some point so he took his place. He lowered the visor of his watermelon helm. And couched his lance. The dumb child was on the other side of the tilt barrier. She lowered her visor and couched her lance as well. Mizal stood, holding a cat. "Begin!" She shouted, throwing the cat. The child burst forward with vicious speed, the horse hooves thundering against the ground. Corgi's pony mosyed on forward. Except Corgi seemed to be moving further and further away. Horrified, he looked down and all he saw was the pony's ass and its swishing tail. Glancing back, he sees it marching towards the cliff. Corgi had sat on his pony backward. The child won the duel. For Corgi's pony marched him off the cliff and they fell into the ocean. Thus ends a story by FemWolverine.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago
Gotta go with corgi, I like the first one more.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago

@PerforatedPenguin This seems like a job for the Placement Police/ Placement Deputy of the forum!

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago
Aargh! This enterpride keeps breaking the message placements, one more time and I'll be forced to dish out punishments!

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

3 days ago
Popos can't catch me unless you want to catch these hands

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

6 days ago
Post your votes in reply to this post. Remember, these duels represent the only time we let you have even the most fleeting taste of democracy around here, be sure to do your part!

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

6 days ago
Scratch down a vote for Revengeance. I found it more entertaining, and the one about ghosts seemed to skim over details here and there (like dying in a few days of starvation at an orphanage to just come back as a ghost). It also had a bit of talkative side narration that I didn't like as much.

All in all, another easy win for the author, which is clearly femwolverine.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

6 days ago

These both made my kidneys bleed and my sides are in terrible pain, but it's possible my kidneys just didn't stop bleeding after reading the first one. I'm going to have to go with the second story because there's the potential that this did not physically harm me

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

6 days ago

I did not remotely enjoy either of these stories and will be looking into the possibility that I, too, developed kidney damage from this experience (thanks to ISentielPenguin to raising awareness about the kidney-damaging effects of literature).  I'm voting for the first story, however, because it managed to genuinely surprise and confuse me, while the plotline of the second story seemed too familiar.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

6 days ago
I like the one written by femwolvering, I think it’s the second.

I see great potential in the first, absolutely. It was well written and clearly lots of effort went into its making. One complaint is, though, that its writing style is more fit for longer pieces such as storygames, it has built up lots of background and characters, only to end it sooner than I would like.

The second was entertaining, to say the least. I liked its overall light tone and various site references.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

6 days ago

I would say that the second won by a long shot. 

The first one about ghosts seemed to skim over lots of details and it felt like they were trying to summarize a long story that they read five years ago and can't remember anything about. The narrative style also didn't feel right for a story of that size and it distracted me from the actual story. The only thing that I liked about the story was its plot, but the way it was told ruined it for me. Altogether the story felt rushed and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. 

The second one wasn't the best either, however, it did have slightly more okay parts than the first one. First of all the story felt a bit more thought through, but still awfully rushed. It had more details than the other story, which is to say little over one. The story was easy to follow because the paragraphs were nicely spaced and the story moved at a better speed than the first one. I also liked the kind of humor in it and how it told the story in an interesting enough way that didn't make me want to break my computer. I do feel like this as the easy way out though and that they put minimum effort into this. I could tell that the first one was written by someone who was trying hard even though the writing itself sucked. If we were voting on effort and time it probably took to write then I would say the first, but unfortunately the second one sucked less and I actually liked it (very much possible it was because I had just read the first story right before that). So I vote for the second one. 

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

6 days ago

You did not disappoint me, Mizal haha. Both stories make me laugh for completely different reasons. The first story has such a ridiculous plot coupled with occasional typos and oddly phrased sentences that it caused me to heartily chuckle. The second story does it with its amusing description and overall concept.

As for my enjoyment and especially overall readability, I have to place my vote on the second story! It's revengeance for me!

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

6 days ago
I'll vote for Revengeance. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to make an appointment to see a neurologist. The first story has too much going on for the word count limitation. I think it could've worked and been better than Revengeance if a lot all of the rambling had been cut out. More focus should've been put on the girl getting her post-mortem revenge through possession instead of adding the side plots with the police and pencil. I can tell there was more time and effort put into this one though. Revengeance is lazy, but the formatting is more tolerable and the quality is marginally better. It also doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out as much as the first one does. That's not saying much though.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

6 days ago

Listen, both essays were better than what I have been reading all week, and neither of them accidentally pasted in a link to the best of indiana jones | robot chicken | adult swim youtube the best of star trek | robot chicken | adult swim, so as far as I can tell, they are both well deserving of A+'s in my book.

But Revengeance wins.

 

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

You know they're bad when an English professor mistakes 2 short stories for essays.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

As far as I am concerned, they were essays on As You Like It.  They looked more like them than the ones I received this week.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago
I vote for the second one

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago
Commended by mizal on 10/13/2021 12:08:10 AM

I planned to jot down some thoughts on these stories while reading since I'm usually plagued by indecision, yet my notes ended up being lengthy reviews and an excuse to procrastinate my assignments. Guess I’ll just post them here. 

Story 1

Right off the bat, we’re greeted with a missing quotation mark. Really not the best way to start the story. Being generous, I’m going to remind myself that there’s the possibility it got lost in the copy-pasting over— Nevermind, I take that back. There’s a whole block of dialogue without new paragraphs for each speaker, which is one of the first few mistakes I’ve learnt to look out for. Oh well, perhaps I ought to examine the narrative instead of the grammar. The story doesn’t immediately catch your attention, but it does draw you in with the dialogue. Both characters are reasonably well characterized here. Amanda also has a goal she wants to achieve. Let’s continue.

It’s a good thing you know not to overuse dialogue tags in the next paragraph; that’s another thing I was initially worried about. I like the build up of suspense, combined with the mother’s efforts to not alarm the child. Since I’m in an editing mood today, I found a slight error: ‘Signalling [to] her to be quiet. Unless I missed something, I don’t think there are any other grammatical errors in the next part except ‘thing lips’. That really shouldn’t have made me laugh as much as I did.

There is a distinct shift in tone in the 6th paragraph. Before this, the narrator kind of took the backseat, letting the two characters shine a bit more. Now, the narrator is given a personality. They say things like ‘just in case you didn't figure it out’ and ‘irresponsible little fucks’, so aside from this revealing the author of the story to me, it also changes the narrative. I’m not sure if a shift in tone is a positive or negative thing though, just thought I’d point it out. The new tone actually makes the info-dump more humorous, so I guess that’s a point in your favour. Minor nitpick here: maybe you could replace the first comma with a semicolon? Oh, and there’s the obvious lack of space between ‘at’ and ‘least’, which perhaps implies you didn’t proofread.

Alright, just as predicted, vengeance will come in the form of Amanda getting revenge for her mother. The part about it taking a long time adds some realism to the story, which is good. It’s interesting how she never stopped to wonder about whether or not she could impact the physical world around her as a ghost. 

I find the ‘Awmmm’ part rather funny. Here, there is a lengthy sentence where your thoughts probably changed midway so the first part doesn’t really make sense with the rest of it, but my editing mood is fading so I’ll just keep reading on. Wait, Amanda nearly dosed off? Where did she even find pills anyway? 

Aside from a few minor grammatical errors I’d rather not go into, this next part is alright. There’s just a long sentence (second last, on the ninth paragraph) that I am a bit confused by. Oh well, I may just be tired right now. Then we arrive at the final fight scene. It starts with a minor tense error, but I’ll set that aside for now. The author should try and find out what comma splices are and how to fix them. As for the narrative, it’s pretty strong and I get a sense of what’s happening throughout. The final part is sufficiently foreshadowed; the descriptions are vivid and slightly dark too.

As a final word, I’d say that the scope of the story negatively impacts its overall narrative. By this, I mean that there are too many scenes taking place over a long period of time, causing the author to resort to telling instead of showing during some points of the story.  This could partly be due to the word count and time constraints too. Although a few sentences to get the reader up to speed may sometimes be necessary, in this case, it means distancing the reader from the story a little. The most powerful scenes here are the start and the end, since they’re focused on what’s going on in the moment itself. 

The main character’s shift from innocence to full-on murderer is something that could have been developed a bit more to really get readers to understand her point of view. At several points in the story, I wondered how much of her naivety she retains and how corrupted she actually becomes.

I’ll end this with a disclaimer: All of this is just my opinion, and since I’m not too experienced as a reviewer (this is my first official review), do take everything with a grain of salt.

Story 2

I’m laughing at the first three sentences; I know what’s to come. The obvious, though well-deserved flattery sticks out to me. Maybe Cystia ought to be capitalized since it’s a place of sorts? There’s an apostrophe mark missing in the 5th paragraph too. 

Both authors are defeated by the next obstacle - dialogue! The second author’s error is a lot more minor since the full stop just needs to be replaced by a comma and ‘said’ can be un-capitalized. That’s just me being nitpicky today. ‘Over saw’ can be combined into one word. Sentence fragments are found in the next part, but I’m not sure if they’re a problem since I recognize a lot in my own works too. 

Defeating Corgi by accident the last time surely makes me laugh. Yet, after the flashback is mentioned, the author seems to have forgotten the story’s tense. Even though he ‘arrives’ at the tournament grounds, it ‘was’ hard to put on his armour. I re-read the first few parts and notice the same error again (with the ‘said’ and ‘dons’). This is not an uncommon problem; in fact, I generally have one proofread session just for ensuring the tenses are consistent. 

The main thing that makes this story a lot easier to read, aside from the formatting and shorter, less convoluted sentences, is the humorous tone. This remains consistent from the start. Besides, the familiarity of the whole scenario means that less words have to be spent on explaining what’s happening to the readers, which is a problem that the initial story suffered from.

‘The obvious joke’ cracked me up. I may be leaning towards this story due to the number of times I’m laughing now. And hey, I’ve got a cameo too! Slight grammatical errors follow, but there’s nothing too severe that it distracts from the narrative. Oh, how did you anticipate that I’ll be judging these ‘very judgementally’? (Also, ‘judgmentally’ is spelt wrongly too, but I can’t fault you for that since I didn’t notice until quoting this for the review on google docs).

Overall, I have to say that this story manages to foretell the result of this duel. FemWolverine, how did you know that the flaws in Corgi’s story is what gives you the edge over him? (excuse the pun). Although proofreading did clear up some mistakes, it might help if you use something like google docs to weed out grammatical and spelling errors. A bit more suspense may have elevated this story, especially when you’re describing the duel, but then I suppose it being anticlimactic did contribute to the humorous narrative.

My vote

I’ll be voting for the second story. Now, I’m going to take a break since these are probably the longest reviews I’ve written in quite some time. 

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

I'm pretty sure "signalling her to be quiet" is gramattically correct. Also, keeping dialogue from multiple speakers within the same paragraph isn't a grammatical error; it's a stylistic choice. Not a very popular choice when writing stories but a choice nonetheless.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

Ah, I see, thanks for the corrections! It's always great to learn something new.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

Revengeance wins this one. I wanted to like Fem's more, but it was way too messy. The flow was off, and way too many plot points were crammed into the story. 

Corgi wins because his story was more or less complete and was very easy to read and understand. 

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

Yeah, I definitely have got to vote for Revengeance. I thought the story was simple and cute and did not attempt to bite off more than it could chew.

As for Ghost Eat Ghost World, I can certainly say the idea behind it was pretty unique and interesting. Unfortunately that is where my praise ends; the pacing and dialogue were the greatest problem for me.

As far as pacing was concerned, the story covers great tracts of time and important character building moments in a sentence or two; kind of jarring. 

The dialogue itself was not bad, if perhaps a bit robotic and erratic. I was more bothered by the grand wall of text since the dialogue was not used to break up the monotony of paragraph after paragraph, it also made it a bit rough to look at.

Besides the spelling and grammar errors, I thought both stories were fairly solid efforts; props to both authors for following through.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

I enjoyed the second story more, but I almost want to vote for the first story just to see the fallout...

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago
Actually, I didn't write the second one, corgi did. Btw @corgi213 great story it was hilarious :) you win this one (but I will be asking for a rematch in the future lol)

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

Everyone's retarded.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

lol

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago
Yes. Clearly.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

Honestly, I'm just disappointed in myself for not figuring that out. For one thing, it only makes sense for Mizal to keep the 'FemWolverine' if it wasn't actually you, especially since she declared the system to be foolproof due to the anonymity. Besides, I'm not sure if you'd refer to yourself as 'FemWolverine' or make it so blatantly obvious that it's you. Then there were the jokes that longer-term CYS members were more likely to use, the narrative's focus on Corgi as the main character, and randomness that seems more like his style.

Guess I could say that there was a lot of foreshadowing for this deception (on his part, not yours). No longer should I trust everything I see on the internet... I might be developing those trust issues from the other thread, after all. 

Oh, and it'll definitely be great to see another rematch.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

Well, I already had gotten the hunch that the second story was Corgi's based on the writing style. Like in his work 'The Last Chieftain', Corgi kinda likes to write extremely short paragraphs with tons of dialogue while in Femalewolverine's previous story, the paragraphs are pretty condensed and the story makes frequent use of timeskips and 'telling'. While the difference is not as apparent as in the first duel, only a lazy twat wouldn't immediately recognize which work is written by whom. 

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago
@EbonVasilis

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

True, but I've also not read anything by either of them in at least two years, so the writing styles weren't familiar to me. 

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

Hehehe GOTEEEM 

@FemaleWolverine

Good attempt at least. Your writing at least has the making of someone who could be decent one day. But also all 11 year olds suck at writing. So keep working at it.

Let it be said that Corgi CCXIII is not afraid to beat up a small helpless child in combat.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago
Commended by mizal on 10/13/2021 9:11:31 AM

Both stories had numerous grammatical errors, but the first one additionally suffered from many continuity errors. Like the other esteemed judges, I will be visiting a doctor, perhaps a geriatrician since the other specialists have been fully booked. First though, I will leave my thoughts on the first story. I won't cover the second one since the blonde warrior covered the grammar issues for the second one pretty well already, and I have a feeling the author would have spotted them on his own if he gave the story even a single proofread. As for Fem's story:

First of all, the missing quotation mark right at the start certainly doesn't bode well.

Amanda heard a thud outside the room, but before she could say anything, her mother rushed her to a window and made her get onto a tree right next to it.

It's not entirely clear how Amanda goes from a window right onto a tree. Is she on the second floor? If so, that's not obvious from the preceding text and should have been mentioned in the setup..

Amanda nodded again and went off to hide,

This clearly contradicts what was said earlier:

"Okay sweetie, I'll hide and you seek. But you need to go outside, okay? "Yes mommy!"

First continuity error.

Startled, she was about to get up, but a movement stopped her. A tall, muscular man with a bloody knife clutched in his hand rushed out of the house. 

How did this man finish the deed, run down from the second house, and get out the door before Amanda is even able to stand up. Was she frozen in shock? That should be mentioned.

Amanda stood still, taking note of his features.

Extremely unrealistic action for a young girl and that she wasn't caught while staring, but I'll excuse it as a convenient plot device.

 

But that was a long time ago. A lot happened since then, her mother was dead (just in case you didn't figure it out) and you're probably thinking 'Atleast she still has her father, right?' Wrong, her father died of a heart attack when she was two. So that led to her getting put into an orphanage, but the people running it were irresponsible little fucks and she had died of starvation in all but a few days.  

Extremely jarring fourth wall break. Also contains a comma splice and 2 run-on sentences. You need a comma when "and" is used to link 2 independent clauses.

But, by some miracle, she awoke again, as a ghost, that is. 

The last comma is extraneous.

Rage shot through her and before she knew it, she was lunging at him, no holds barred.

 Missing comma before the and.

Instead her fist went right through his head. Surprised, she swung over and over, getting the same result every time.

There's absolutely no way she spent years as a ghost without figuring out that she can't interact with physical objects. Completely breaks immersion.

Feeling drawn to it, she almost unwilling moved towards it, eventually tracing it towards a pencil. 

"unwillingly"

They were intimidating people, practically six feet of pure muscle. 

This isn't technically wrong, grammatically speaking, but I initially read "intimidating" as a verb and thought the cops were intimidating random people. I would suggest "intimidating-looking" or using a different adjective.

Why are they chasing him, is he a criminal?

Comma splice.

Lucas paused for a moment and then, understanding the situation he was in, put his hands in the air. 

Did he not understand the situation before? Seem implausible.

Meanwhile, Amanda was pondering the situation, 'So, he's a serial killer huh? Well, since he's killed so many people, it won't affect him to kill just one more...right?' 

Quotes have to follow directly after the verb.

Convincing herself, she possessed Lucas again, causing the police to gasp.

It's not clear that she previously possessed Lucas to begin with or, if she had, that she had ever stopped doing so. Also, how would the police even know that he got possessed?

Using the pencil, she stabbed first one policeman, then the other and kicked them in the balls, for good measure.

Pencils are not exactly known for their lethality as weapons. There's not way she could get away with killing both officers without being shot.

She had enough common sense not to murder him in broad daylight.

What? She just murdered 2 police officers in broad daylight, and now she's afraid killing a third person will get her caught? 

Entering the house, she had seen the murderer, who she nicknamed 'A' short for 'Asshole who murdered my mother', it was about to be 'Awmmm' but that sounded wierd, so she stuck with A.

Holy mother of run-on sentences. Also, "it was about to be" is incorrect here and should be "it was going to be". "Weird" is also spelt wrong.

 

Creeping closer, she cocked the gun to his head and taking a deep breath shot the trigger. But, her grip was not prepared for the strength that the bullet would fly out with and she missed, the bullet only skinned his nose.  

There's no way a point-blank shot could miss that badly even if you released the gun the moment after pulling the trigger. The bullet is already on its way before you can feel the recoil.

He clearly had much more experience with it that Amanda did

 "than"

 

she grabbed a knife she spotted on his nightstand and lunges at him.

Tense change

 

There were several more comma splices, but I'm sure you can find them on your own. Also, I found the whole pencil side-arc to be distracting and underdeveloped. The story would have been better off without it.

Anyways, it looks like Fem already conceded, so I'll withhold my vote. 

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago
I'm voting for the second one.

I liked both ideas, but felt the first story seemed like bits were sort of glossed over to make it fit the word count as if it was a longer story told shortly to save time. Where as the second one was more of a whole story. It also entertained me.

Corgi vs Fem - Vote!

5 days ago

Thanks for hosting this Mizal, it was fun

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago
@FemaleWolverine hey, mind if I plagarize your story? I feel like giving it the movie treatment and will credit you with "Based on a True Story by Female Wolverine."

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago
@BerkaZerka go for it :)

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago

Second one.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago

I second this opinion since I've already posted in this thread. 

Second story it is.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago
Are you the retarded one?

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago

What do you think? 

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago
It's me, isn't it?

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago

Well, I did say everyone

So it really is people’s choice. 

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago
Y'know I haven't counted the votes yet, but I have a hunch the second story won. I'm not always keen on heavy reliance on injokes for things like these, but in this case it was an effective tactic and amused me in several places. Corgi...sorry, "FemWolvering" also had a story that was short and sweet and to the point, while demonstrating a flexible and unexpected take on a theme that on the surface seemed to encourage more serious things. The first story obviously had a lot of effort put in, but the plot was kind of all over the place with two many ideas crammed in for the space there was to work with. A story about a girl getting revenge on her mother's killer, or a ghost getting revenge on her own killer might've been a more direct approach with more room for build up and tension than all these other additions like starving in orphanages and ghost eating pencils. (Formatting was an issue to but I attribute that to being in a rush.) Probably the most important part of writing a story is recognizing what information contributes to its strengths and what is just unnecessary stuff that distracts. It's really only a lot of reading good books (or even watching movies if you really have an eye for details) and paying attention to where and when and how the writer presents new info and why that gives you a sense for this kind of thing, and that's something you can only do with time and experience. So I think it's obvious Fem's stuff will only improve and the important thing right now is being able to step up to a challenge like this and take all the criticism with a good attitude. Fem and Corgi, reply to this post so I can give you both commendations for even showing up here to duel, a thing most members would be too lazy for. Also, all of y'all that were tricked by the fake name are retarded lmao.

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

5 days ago
Commended by mizal on 10/13/2021 9:56:12 PM
This thread was fun to read :) ok gtg I'm running late

Corgi vs Fem - Round 2

4 days ago
Commended by TharaApples on 10/15/2021 12:31:30 AM

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee