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Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/29/2023 6:20:51 PM
Here on the second part of the second episode of THE THUNDERDOME, we bring you what are becoming our most frequent duelists: edgy tween girls! They're precocious and special, they know they're smarter than all their pathetic peers, their only facial expression is a sneer and they really really are out to prove to everyone, all the the time that they can claw their way to the top of some bewildering social ladder that mostly exists in their heads! Today in a rematch continuing from the unlisted pilot episode, (in no particular order) we have TypewriterCat, Stargirl, and then for a special surprise, an Unnamed Mystery Challenger. That's right folks, for this segment there will be three stories to vote on! Although, fun bit of trivia, there were VERY NEARLY only two, as Typecat likes to live dangerously and waited to send hers in until 45 seconds before the deadline! But she got it in, that's what counts, and now may the meanest girl win!

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Story A “You’ve probably all heard the tale of the little mermaid. How the poor girl sacrificed her voice for legs because she wanted an everlasting soul, and how she eventually killed herself instead of the prince who broke her heart. Yet, did you once stop to think about the consequences she brought? Did the havoc she wrecked and the selfishness of her actions ever cross your mind? “Her father was worried sick about her. He was horrified, terrified when he found out that she had gone to a sea witch. You don’t just go to a sea witch when you want your acne cured. Sea witches are for the most desperate of beings. Only truly helpless cases go there. She wasn't a helpless case. “Do you know how many things she had going for her in life? The fairytales don’t tell you everything you know. She was quick to anger and easy to jump to conclusions, but how she was smart if she could keep a level head. Her brains were quite phenomenal really. Not many knew, but she was a smart one. “Then she had to go and ruin it with a sea witch’s curse. That’s what it was, a dirty rotten curse.You would think that a smart girl like her would have at least a little bit of sense, but no. How was she supposed to make the prince love her if she couldn't talk to him? Humans are greedy, greedy beings, and that prince was no different. Why else would he turn her down? Only fools wouldn’t see her for who she was, not as her lost voice, but maybe she was the fool for thinking he would. “Love was never a thing I believed in, you know. It’s not as if there’s a magical force binding us together. I’ve heard humans talk about such silly things up on their boats. Stories of true love's kiss and laughter lull their children to sleep. I, too, once wished they were true. I wished so hard that I began to believe in them myself. It wasn’t until I grew up that I realized my wishes would never amount to reality. “She was young and naive though, and so she set off to the witch to beg for legs. I’m not entirely sure what happened then, but I’ve heard the tales of the terrible things the witch did. Nothingless, this isn’t a story about her. No, you've heard enough of those. This is a story about something much different. This is a story of grief and an ache so deep that even the darkest of water cannot compare. “Her father searched the ocean for her day and night, but she never came. His heart was ripped in two. He wanted to believe she would come back. He hoped deep down that she would return. After all, she always did. It wasn’t the first time that she had gone missing. She would often go out looking for things and listening to those stupid, silly humans and their stories. Even so, he felt that there was something different about this time. Deep down in the pit of his stomach, something curled and prodded at ugly thoughts that he didn’t dare let cross his mind. “There was no one to tell him he was being irrational. His wife had been dead for years, and he had waited for her too. She went out one day and never came back. He had sat and wished and hoped, but she never came. It had taken months for people to convince him that she wasn’t coming back. He was left to raise his daughter alone. The daughter that was now gone. “It only took a week for him to snap. He still hoped, wished that she would come home, still felt that she would swim back and they would eat supper together like normal, but his anxiety was ripping him into shreds and then tying it back up into messy, gnarled knots again. He couldn’t even imagine the nights without her, forever. The palace already felt so empty without his wife, and he feared how lonely it would be without her. “If he was being honest with himself, he hid from the family rooms. He ate dinner by the window, too scared to leave unless she would come home looking for him. He was terrified, more than terrified, of the emptiness and finality of eating at the table alone. The chasm in her empty corners would rip open, and he didn’t want to be swallowed with it. “He would’ve waited there forever if he didn’t have a dream. Laying on the floor, he had visions of his dead wife and missing daughter swirling together. They screamed for him, yelled for him to help, but he was trapped behind an invisible wall. Their cires grew louder as the humans approached. First it was just a young boy walking towards them, but then there was a ship. It towered over them, a mountain of iron and steel. Great big gray clouds swirled down into the water clouding his wife and daughter, muffling their cries.He would tell nobody of his dream, but the next night he knew what he had to do. “The journey to the sea witch was short and uneventful, but it seemed much too long. He couldn't help but think that she would return while he was gone, and that he would pay a cost for nothing. What if the kingdom welcomed her home, but when she found out that her dad wasn’t there she fled again? Everything would be his fault. Then again, what other choice did he have? “When he got there he was shocked to discover the truth. His daughter had come to the witch asking to be human? She had given up a life with him and her merpeople just for some silly boy? The witch told him everything, and she relished in the little details that made him squirm. Details about her face that he knew she couldn’t make up, those were what haunted him the most. “The deal he made with her was simple. She would bring his daughter to him if he did one simple thing. All he had to do was exact some sort of revenge for her. Then she would bring her to him. He should’ve seen the obvious warning signs that something was amiss. When he asked if she could still breathe underwater and the witch replied that she wouldn’t need to should’ve struck a bell with him, but it didn’t. When she told him to murmur some magic words and say them to a human, it could’ve made him wonder why she couldn’t do it herself and why it was worth a whole spell, but desperate people do desperate things. “The pain started first in his head. He couldn’t quite remember why he was in this part of the ocean or what he was doing so close to a ship, but none of that mattered right then. The pain in his head was overwhelming. Hammers pounded out the rhythm to songs he couldn't quite grasp as sounds seemed magnified, and angry. A fish swam past him at a normal speed, but the water ripples seemed to hate him with such a passion that made him want to hate them back. “Suddenly, a voice spoke loud and clear in his mind as the sounds around him grew louder and more frantic. It was slow and cold, but he couldn’t piece together much more than that. They were saying something, words that he could understand individually, but the meaning dissolved when he tried to put them together. “It seemed like hours, or maybe even days before the voice stopped and the ruckus began. It wasn’t much like anything he had ever understood before, yet somehow this was the one language he could speak. “Humans wailed and retched, coughed and moaned all simultaneously together in one loud chorus. It took him only a few seconds to understand. That was the ship. He didn’t know exactly how he knew, but he knew. There was something else though, something on the edge of his mind that he couldn't quite grasp. Whatever it was, it would have to come to him later. The only thing he could focus on was the sounds. “The sounds weren’t normal sounds though. Of course he couldn’t have understood then. Not until the sounds stopped and he went back to the witch. He couldn’t know until he talked to her, pleading to understand. When she told him, he wasn’t ready. “The sounds had been people dying. Do you want to know what the spell was? He had killed everyone on that ship with a deadly illness, just for his daughter, and he didn’t even get that. The witch wanted some person on the ship dead, so she made him do her dirty work for her. He never did figure out why she didn’t do it, but he had his ideas. “All he got was seafoam. Do you know the confusion and betrayal he felt? It was indescribable. Can you imagine a world where your own daughter has just been ripped from you, and all you get is seafoam? What was he supposed to do? What was I supposed to do? All I wanted was answers and then the witch left me with a wave of her hand. “Yes I’m the king. If you hadn’t guessed by now, well, there you have it. I was the one whose daughter now not only was ripped from him, but given back to him and he rejected her. I pushed her away and demanded for my daughter. When I found out that it was her, it was too late and the seafoam had all wandered away, just like my curious wife and lovely daughter. “I don’t know where it went off to. The humans on the ship talked of a heaven where they would see each other, but I’m not a human. Oh, how I’m beginning to wish I was. It’s worth almost any price, any price at all. Maybe if I died I could see my daughter again. Do you think my wife turned human too? What if I could see her again, and we could run around on legs as strong as the ship that I condemned to death? I wish I would. “I know I could. My daughter was a smart one now, and maybe she wasn't as impulsive as I thought. The sea witch could’ve been right in her wrong of killing the people on the ship. Humans say that destiny drives us forward. They say love holds no bounds. Maybe love is real. I wish it was. I wish I could go to the sea witch and make a deal to become human, and then I could begin again with Helena and my daughter. “I can. I’m going to do it.” The trip to the sea witch’s place is so short, but it feels like forever. It feels like home.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Story B Raindrops fall from the sky, drenching Valdir’s broken body with the elixir of life. He knows it will not save him. He blinks the rain and the tears from his eyes, turning his face from the temptation as best he could, knowing it will only prolong his suffering. His mind is claimed by the mistakes of the past, of his regrets and his prayers. Aria. Valdir had done this all for her. His fading memories take him back, back to when this had all begun. His Aria, she was speaking to the cook, a jaded man of thirty years. He was not the type of man who deserved an ounce of her attention, a lowborn man with a drunk for a father and a whore for a mother. Valdir despised him, knowing that the impure blood running through the man’s veins could mean nothing but wretched desires and foul intentions. Why else would he be speaking to Aria, if not to harm her, or worse, take her as wife? Aria laughed at something the cook said, a smile brightening her face. Oh, Aria. My sweet, stupid, Aria. Can you not see that this is a man who means to take advantage of you? He hides behind his kind words and smiles, but I can see through them. That was what had driven him to do what he did. It was not his fault. He did it for love. It wasn’t his fault! Oh, but it was. He knows that. It was love that had driven him, but love had not taken command of his flesh. No, he did it all of his own free will, of his own foul judgment. It was in the black of night that he had donned a dark hood and a false name, prowled the streets, relentless in his search. A rat with flea-ridden flesh and dead eyes, festering with disease, a ticking bomb. He found one with ease. The city was brimming with them. Stone-like skin, calcified from the disease it carried, it crumpled like paper under the pressure from his fingers. Thick yellow liquid and a few maggots squeezed from its flesh, dripping down his hand. Shuddering, he had shoved it into the bag, the crunch of its bones causing disgust to rise in his throat. It all passes in a blur, his memories fading before his eyes until only two things remain. His Aria, and the man who wanted to take her from him. He falls back into the past, a smile coloring his broken lips with blood. “What you be doing here, Valdir?” The cook smiled as well, his impure bastard’s blood turning his cheeks a fleshy red. The man dared smile when he had spoken to Aria. Such a horrid man would not speak to a woman if he did not want her as wife, if he did not desire to take advantage of her gentle and trusting nature. His hand tightened around the hilt of his sword, and it took every ounce of will he had in him to let it go. If there had been any doubt lingering in Valdir’s heart, it was burned away by the flames of his anger. No, one did not take advantage of the woman he loved and live to smile about it. “Wanting some more food, dinner not enough for you? Bet so, you all are the same. Hah, don’t you worry, I got some salted cod tucked away.” The cook turned to rummage in the cabinets. He inhaled deeply, the salty sea air pervading his lungs. It was now or never. Fate had directed him down this path, and he would follow it until the end. He slipped the rat from his pocket, feeling the bubbles of calcified flesh burst against his hand as he dropped it behind a barrel of wine. The fleas will spread it from here, I suppose. My work is done. The cook will be the first to die. When he does, I will pray that Death will take mercy and pass over us. He wiped the diseased yellow mucus from his hand. The cook turned back. “There’s your salted cod now. God be with you in these troubled times, friend.” “I know He will be.” Valdir kept his response curt and cold. Looking back on that now, Valdir regretted it all. He should have tossed that god-forsaken rat from the ship, prayed that disease would not take root. He should have poisoned the cook or found some other way to be rid of him. That mistake had caused his downfall. It had taken four days for the first symptoms to show. The morning the cook came stumbling up from the lower deck, his movements jerky and erratic, a patch of flesh on his left arm beginning to calcify, that was when Valdir knew he had won. It had brought a smile to Valdir’s face, how he had brought down a man who stood too proud, who threatened his sweet Aria. Ah. I need to get him off the ship. So he does not infect anyone else. “What’s that on his arm?” Valdir’s voice was the loudest whisper he could muster. He widened his eyes in mock terror. “God forbid… it isn’t plague, is it?” “I don’t see nothing.” One of the deckhands responded. “You’re too paranoid, like you always are, protecting that niece of yours.” “Just look at the man. There’s something wrong with him, and you’re a fool if you don’t see it!” “Get ahold of yourself.” The deckhand spat out the words, as if he was a higher rank than Valdir. Any other day, he would pay for that, but Valdir had worse concerns. I did not think this through. By Death and whatever is beyond, I did not think this through. My only option now is to press forward at full speed. “Get him off the fucking ship, into the watery grave he deserves! If you don’t, I will!” “What the fuck is wrong with you?” That was a different sailor, one of a higher rank. “Calm down, Valdir. We’re not savages.” The deckhand again, with his patronizing tone and slurred accent. “Even if you he’s sick, give the man a few days, he’ll recover fine.” “I’m telling you now, you scum-brained whoreson, if you don’t get out of my way, you’re going to be next!” Before anyone could flinch, he unsheathed his sword from its scabbard, sweeping it in a deadly arc to clear the space separating him and the cook. No one dared interject. In title, they may be of higher rank, but when it came down to it, he had a sword, and they had only knives. The cook, the cowardly excuse of a bastard, he stepped back, raising his hands in jerky, lagging, movements, a plea for mercy. His lips opened as if to speak, but he could not force out any words. Weapon or not, he did not have the guts to stand his ground like a man. The next swing sliced just above his nose, a clear warning. Crying out in agony, a pus-like yellow liquid began to stream down the cook’s face, mixing with his lifeblood, drenching his sickly skin. Shouts came from all who watched, a cacophony of rage and bloodlust. Half of them cheered him on, bored from the days of open water. Valdir ignored them all. He was a hunter, chasing down his prey. The cook stepped back. One step, two, three, until the last one took him to the edge of the ship. Fear danced in his eyes, the reflection of steel and sword. “Mercy…” He whispered, his voice cracking. “Mercy, please.” He did not receive it. The ring of steel gliding through air with deadly perfection was music to Valdir’s ears, a spray of blood painting the side of the ship with red before the cook’s body tumbled to a watery grave, his decapitated head following a split second afterwards. The crowd had begun to disperse, bored now that the man was dead. Valdir knew there would be no punishment besides for a light scolding. The occasional bloodshed was not uncommon, and cooks were simple to come by. I killed him. That means the plague will not spread, right?. It cannot spread now that I’ve killed the host, I’m sure of it. He will never bother my Aria again. I will have her to myself. The deck was painted in the man’s blood and the yellow mucus of disease, a beautiful canvas. He was proud of his artwork. Valdir lays in agony on that same deck now. His memories pain him. His time is running out. It is better to think of good things, of time he had spent with Aria. “Aria.” He said, his voice soft and gentle, as not to alarm his sweet, frail, girl. “I promised my brother… your father, that I would take care of you in the best and the worst of times, through sun and moon and strife.” “I know, Uncle,” she smiled. By Death and whatever was beyond, how he loved that smile. “I am grateful, more than you will ever know.” “You are a woman grown, Aria, nearing sixteen years of age. It is past time you were wed.” He took her hands in his own, feeling how hard her skin was beneath his own. Her skin was hard beneath his own. Her flesh had begun to calcify. Plague, ringing bells through his head, a horrible cacophony. It all overwhelmed his thoughts in that instant, as he fell to the ground in a fit of coughing, praying that this was not true, that such a thing could not have happened. She rushed to his side. “Uncle, Uncle, are you alright?” Aria. Ah, my sweet Aria. I blame myself. If I had not taken that rat on this ship, you would not be in this position now. You will never know of these things, do not worry. I will make sure you live in happiness for whatever time remains to you, “I am alright. My old age is catching up to me.” He paused, wondering if this would be the last thing he ever said to her. “I love you, Aria.” I love you as a woman, not as my niece, even if I can never admit so. “Thank you, Uncle. I’m glad you’ve taken care of me, all these years.” She smiles, one last time. That brought him to where he stood perhaps ten minutes prior, in the black of night where his crewmates were asleep, on the deck of his ship with his sword in his hand. I am sorry, Aria. I am so sorry. But do not fret. I know Death is merciful. I know He will allow me to see you in the afterlife. That is why I do this. I will see you soon. I will not have to bear the pain of your death. I would do it a hundred times over. If you are dead, no man aside from me will ever have you. He brought his sword to his throat. Do it, Valdir. For Aria. He drew it across in a swipe of steel and pain and cold. Spasms began to go through his flesh, the sword tumbling to the lower deck as he fell to the ground, struggling to breathe as his limbs flailed wildly, sending bursts of blood gushing from his torn throat. I did not think Death would hurt so badly. Rain begins to patter. Valdir knows that there is nothing that can save him from the mistakes of his past. He turns his head away, blinking the tears and the rain from his eyes, praying for Death to claim his weary soul. He is tired of suffering. I will see you soon, Aria.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Story C “Run.” Screeching echoes in the long, black hallway. I want to run— really I do —but I can’t decide which way to go. Jumping usually means you go “up”, but that rule doesn’t seem to apply anymore. No rules apply. I move one foot “forward”, dragging the other behind it. Slime seems to be slowing my every movement, as though it surrounds me like some kind of monster. If that’s so, then it’s invisible slime. I see nothing. I hate invisible slime. The scratching and horrible shrieks continue, following me as I attempt to traverse the treacherous hallway. They slowly increase in volume until I could hear nothing else— not even my own breathing. Not even my own heartbeat. As I trudge ever onwards, my thoughts grow more sparse and disconnected. The noises consume everything around me, shattering my mind. To keep myself sane by blocking out the chaotic cacophony, I attempt to remember the scenario that led me to this fate. That day, the day it all began, started just like any other day. Birds chirped, teenage boys sped past in the space capsules their parents had gone into debt to buy, and lovely old couples chatted as they meandered by my unit on their daily walks. I woke up peacefully, which was the first sign something was off. My mother hadn’t burst into my bedroom chatting about sunshine and happiness at six o’clock in the morning. I sat up slowly, as though she’d break in at any minute. She never came. I tiptoed out of my room wearing my giraffe onesie and Hufflepuff socks, sneaking around every corner, ready for something to jump out and grab me. Not a soul breathed in the entire housing unit. My mother had severe agoraphobia, which means that she never, ever left our unit. If she abandoned it for any reason, that meant some seriously bad news. At the time, I had no idea just how bad things were. I picked my way out of the ghostly living room and to the front door, cautiously cracking it open. Artificial light poured in, causing me to breathe a sigh of relief. At least the world hadn’t ended— someone still managed the electricity panels. I stepped out, not even bothering to change. Concern for my mother took up all the spare room in my mind. I still heard the sounds of everyday life, but I soon noticed something very strange. Despite what my ears told me, my eyes saw nothing! No birds, no cars, no old biddies with submissive husbands— nothing, nada, zilch! Where had everyone gone? Where were the noises coming from? It was then that a voice whispered in my ear, so softly that at first I wasn’t sure I’d really heard it. “They’re gone,” it whispered, “They can't save you.” I felt a liquid oozing over my sock and under the ankle of my onesie. It crawled straight up to my ear, then into my head. The whole time, fear froze my body, not allowing me to react. Finally, I regained control of myself and shook my head to rid myself of the substance. “What are you? Some kind of parasite?” I asked. “You could say that.” As it spoke, my surroundings crumbled until I only saw blackness. It coated the windows, the walls, and the entire ship. Everything that I could see moments before vanished, leaving no trace behind. Suddenly, I knew what happened to the others. This parasite, slime, bug, whatever it identified as, had crawled into their brains, too. They were each trapped in their own individual hell, just like me. Where had it come from? A memory flitted across my mind— someone who’d just gotten back from a trade they’d conducted with a quarantined planet. They insisted the trade held too much importance to be cancelled due to one little parasite. I beg to differ, especially under my current circumstances. I can’t change the past, though. Now, all that remains is a bleak, lightless hallway, and an eerie voice whispering in my ear. “Run.”

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Reply here for votes and comments:

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
b

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/29/2023 6:21:05 PM

I'm pretty sure I know which is whose, but that didn't inform my voting. Also, all of them were in a flashback format, at least somewhat, which was a funny coincidence. Another interesting coincidence is repeated lines near the start and end of two entries. I wonder who talked about that. Anyway, Story B wins.

Reviews:

Story A was pretty solid, just a couple goofy phrases detracting from a good experience---up until the complete deus ex machina teleportation to the merchant ship. The disease is also kinda spawned in here, without playing any further role. I guess it technically fulfills the prompt, but it doesn't feel natural at all. Arguably, it could not even fulfill the prompt, because of how little the disease is mentioned. It is a pretty clever spin on the Little Mermaid, but I don't think the novelty makes up for the plot failures. As for the twist at the end, it was neat, and well-foreshadow. Unfortunately it runs into the same pitfall as the previous point; it's decent, but not enough---at least it's original, so I can give it some credit there. The ending is also a little weird, but I suppose it's not bad. The fact that it follows the prompt loosely isn't a major issue, but I'll just look at the other entires for a winner rather than this.

Story B is very, uh, CYStian in nature, and I think that it follows the prompt very well, with good amounts of plague involved, while establishing a pretty strong character and an interesting underlying theme. The descriptions and style were very grimdark in nature, and I think that this was the nail in a pretty tasteful coffin (probably one with some sort of based lich inside). I would say this one had a "twist", but it was hinted at and foreshadowed, so it made sense to me. Also, Valdir does deserve a slow death.

And then there's Story C. Their interpretation of the prompt reminds me of something---which is story A. The merchant ship is randomly shoehorned in towards the end, but compared to A, the context is much better. I far prefer the setup here, even if it's only a passing comment, because it's better than "you don't know how or why you're on this merchant vessel lol". I don't feel strongly about this choice, so it' neither a pro nor con. The plague, on the other hand, was a much more entertaining concept here, because don't we all love terrifying sci-fi aliens? Psst, raise your hands everyone. Overall, this story was the runner-up.

Story B wins! These were all pretty good, and at least everyone got their submissions in on time! Plus, bonus story, yay.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/29/2023 6:21:20 PM

Good entries from everyone.  The commonalities outside of the prompt between all three were interesting, and all three were fun reads.

I would vote for B.

Story A: The presentation of almost the entire story as a series of quotes for some reason kept me expecting a "Welcome to my Ted Talk" kind of character intro.  The use of the plague as a means of escalated murder over trying to convince someone to stab somebody seems kind of extreme. One would think that having the King of the Sea under your sway would give you more precise options.

Story B: This was a great Poe-esque exploration of diseased madness akin to the tell-tale heart.  The projection of what is in Valdis' mind is interesting, and the description of the events he is thinking about is clear enough that the reader can easily intuit both the innocent explanation and Valdis's twisted interpretation.  Quite fun.

Story C: The starting description of birds chirping and teenages flying by in space capsules does not sufficiently paint the setting as a big spaceship, so the reference to the ship at the end feels out of place and disjointed.  The description of the slime at the beginning of the story, while evocative, seems odd as it isn't clear if it is just a psychological phenomena or a physical one.  I would also think that the slime is the same as the parasite, but the descriptions  of the two are distinct yet similar.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/29/2023 6:21:52 PM
Just some short thoughts on all three stories:

Story A toys with the premise of being a complete retelling from the king's perspective, which is fun and allows for a more one sided emotional perspective. I get the idea that the author was trying to go for a more lyrical tone here, which does play out nicely, giving it a nice rhythm.

The main place that this falls apart was its struggle to fit within the prompt. The whole "disease" thing seemed hastily pasted over and out of place.

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Story B had a stronger and more fitting plot, and the plot structure(the whole recounting thing) kept the reader engaged. The appalling descriptions and some natural dialogue gave B more flesh and visualization. No comment on the incest.

I don't have much else, overall a very cohesive and solid entry.

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Another in medias res! That's 4 out of 5 entries for this prompt.

Story C was... odd? It was the shortest of the bunch, and it had the least substance. I do appreciate the scifi-alien-parasite theme, though. It just needs more of everything, descriptions, plot, etc. I would have liked more details about this ship and how exactly it infected a whole city.

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All in all, I think story B comes out ahead here.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/29/2023 6:22:04 PM

Here I go again, same rating system as before- I realize now that I was woefully restrictive in my interpretation of the prompt, but after having read the prompt, there was, unfortunately, a very limited range of interpretations I wanted to read. I'm up to the challenge.

 

Story A:

 

Nauticality: The boat was barely in it, and this pissed me off. But at least a boat was in it, unlike that STINKILY TALE in the other thread. 2/10.

 

The Disease: Really kinda glossed over but the vengeance of a sea divinity is inherently more interesting than, like, a bacteria. I suppose it's as good as something like this gets for my highly specific tastes, but I also feel like it's not as much part of the story as much as a means to an end- I can't verbalize my feelings about this properly, so I feel like it's unfair to detract points for it. 7/10.

 

Jib Quotient: the prose was okay. Something felt disconcerting about how almost the entire thing was delivered in quotes, and yet it so rarely broke out into present narration that I really don't see why it was necessary to not just treat the speaker like the perspective narrator. That weirded me out but it didn't make me mad like the distinctive lack of sea adventures. 5/10.

 

14/30

 

Story B:

 

Nauticality: the attempt at pirate speak was thankfully brief for how sub-par it was. There was very little sea atmosphere here. But at least the characters were on a boat, doing things, and there was a sea cook. 4/10.

 

Disease: The disease was described in an interestingly gross but non-specific way, and it was included in the story in a very interesting way, as a murder weapon. But I'm also confused by it. If the dude could just murder him with a sword, why did he bother doing something as notoriously volatile and dangerous as infecting a ship with deadly plague? It feels like a contrived and, indeed, suicidal way to kill someone, which would make sense if the creepy uncle didn't have any other means of killing the dude. There would be meaningful irony in Valdir's cowardice coming back to ruin him if he killed the guy using the disease because he wasn't man enough to duel the cook- But, no, the disease appears to be a weird contrived reason to justify a duel? Now lemme tell you something, if there's one thing you learn from the history of duelling, it's that there are way easier ways of fabricating casus belli to murder a motherfucker in a sword duel. Anyway the disease was confusing in that way, but the body horror was fine and at least some of the narrative irony still hits. 6/10.

 

Jib Quotient: The words were arranged in a pretty order in some places, and incest is funny.  7/10

 

17/30

 

Story C:

 

Nauticality: a futuristic sea vessel is interesting, in theory, but in terms of nauticality it also sucks. There are ways to do it- Star Trek TNG sometimes has those vibes, but they were not here. This may well have been a Dead Space vessel. Some level of effort was made to create a setting, somewhere, behind the scenes, but little of it was on display. I'm hesitant to give a zero out of ten because maybe this ship thing the protagonist was on was a nautical vessel of some kind, but even then it feels near enough to having all the things I hate about modern battleships that I'm not sure it matters otherwise. 0/10.

 

Disease: It was interesting to see this kind of body takeover parasite from the perspective of the infected, but then you made it straight up talk and that was pretty gay. 4/10.

 

Jib Quotient: it starts off very well, it demands attention, and builds tension pretty well, and at this point in my sleepless alacrity I can't rightly tell whether it's my attention span falling off or it just kind of fell apart as it went on. At any rate, that's all I have to go on with my current instruments, so here's a cautious 5/10.

 

9/30

 

Story B should win IMO

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/29/2023 6:22:16 PM

Story A:

I think the concept of looking at the story of the little mermaid from the father's perspective is interesting.  However, I really dont like reading something that sounds like one long mental monologue and it annoyed me a LOT.  I kept waiting for this to be an intro into an actual story, but no such luck.  There was an actual ship in it, and a disease was mentioned, but both of these briefly. These items felt forced into the story just to (technically and barely) satisfy the prompt.

Story B:

I felt this was pretty well written, and I liked seeing it from the point of view of the crazy uncle.  The pacing was good, and I felt that the main character was pretty well developed.  The use of the disease as a weapon was interesting, even though it is a sloppy way to specifically kill just one individual, and I thought that the descriptors that accompanied it were well written.   I found one factual error in the first sentence which reads, "Raindrops fall from the sky, drenching Valdir’s broken body with the elixir of life."  Everyone with any intelligence knows that caffeine, not water, is truly the elixir of life.  

Story C:

Though short, I thought that this concept was also very interesting.  Having a sentient parasite take over the main character provided a good opportunity for some tension or conflict, but I did not think it ever materialized fully.  And I never really felt what horror I imagine should have been going on in the main character in this situation.  If expanded and edited, this could be a good story.

Vote is for Story B

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/29/2023 6:22:28 PM

Story A: I liked the tone of this story, a kind of narrative format (a bard by the fireplace sort of retelling). The concept was well-carried out - I like the idea of focussing on the father's point of view.

However, as has been mentioned previously, the disease seemed randomly inserted into the story to follow the prompt. A sea god probably wouldn't be able to control sickness, and why bother when you can just swamp the boat? (drowning is a pretty bad way to go, if the witch was thinking 'maximum torture') The witch's motives for the murder of the boat's occupants is also unclear. If she can use magic why can't she get revenge herself?

Well-written, if slightly illogical.

Story B: Fast-paced, with enough description to both provoke revulsion and engage the reader. You wouldn't expect someone consumed by lust for his niece to consider the collateral damage of his actions, so that makes sense as well. The protagonist is suitably deranged. Good job.

Just a thought: didn't his niece notice what her uncle felt about her? His erratic behaviour should have been a slight clue. Questioning him after his killing of the cook probably would have been a good idea, too.

Attention-grabbing and vividly written.

Story C: The main thing I liked about this story was the protagonist's tone - fearful, with a hint of sarcasm. The use of audible sounds to set the scene is potent, as is the creepiness of the slime. 

One thing to improve would be to cut down on the number of paragraphs that begin with 'I'. Also, we never discover why the mother never told her child that she was leaving, why no alarms went off, or why a parasite as deadly as this one hasn't been discussed with the protagonist (advice on how to get rid of it, for example, or what to do if there is an infection in their unit).

Could do with more background information, but a good story nonetheless.

Overall: I'd vote for story B.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago

Casting my vote for Story A here, even though it could stand to be more faithful to the prompt.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
My vote goes to Story B. I'll try to give some feedback tomorrow or the day after.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/29/2023 6:22:44 PM
Story A: I like that you based this on a fairy and kudos for trying a difficult narrative structure! Second-hand narratives are difficult to write well. Flashbacks are used most of the time instead. With that said, the story reads more like the king drunkenly rambling on in a bar. Even with the issues I have with your story, this thought amuses me. You over-explain things, especially in the beginning where he's lamenting his daughter's at-this-time disappearance, you describe the king's feelings too much, and have quite a few unnecessary rhetorical questions. I had to force myself to read through this story. Much like Story A in the other duel, you skip over plot points that would be important to the prompt. Although I prefer this story in that regard since you don't use dividers to break up the prose. It makes the jump feel much more natural and less jarring for me. Another thing here, I feel like the king should've played a more active role in getting to the ship than being unsure how he got there, considering what he expects to get in return for this. Again, the king reads like drunkard in a bar. This still amuses me, but I feel like it doesn't really suit the prompt or, at least, the expectations the prompt gives me. Because of this, I expected him to be talking to someone else other than himself, but in the end all I could wonder is why he's monologuing to himself. I also think you could've done a better job at revealing the narrator is the king. I think you could have made this better by having his terror and torment over his missing daughter turn into anger and rage toward humans, before making him regret his actions. It would have made the plot and his implied suicide much stronger. I think I have even more of an issue with the sea witch. She's a major character, but she feels like a weak one. This is another hazard of second-hand narratives. I think I would have preferred it if she was more sympathetic to the king, even if she would be faking it. If you gave the reader some insight into why she wanted revenge and who she wanted it on, I think it would've made her a stronger character. Or, maybe if the prince was on the ship and had broken her heart too. Now I'll move onto the plot. I don't understand why you spent so much time on the protagonist lamenting his lost daughter when it could have been much more concise and still showed his feelings. He doesn't even want revenge on the prince for breaking her heart. Even after the 'nothingless' part you still waste your word count on over-explaining the protagonist's feelings. Due to the exposition, when you introduce the sea witch, I don't think it's as surprising or as interesting as it should be because you spent most of the exposition telling us his daughter went to the witch and how he felt about it. The ending feels weak as well. You can probably guess why from the previous two paragraphs. I don't consider this as much of a problem since it deals with the prompt itself, but the vessel and disease are more of an afterthought. Instead of having the protagonist monologue to himself, you could've had this story take place on a ship and maybe work in the disease this way. Maybe the ship could've found him in the sea as a man, and he tells them this story and they catch the disease. Maybe give some details on the disease in the second-hand narrative. Honestly, I think you could've gotten away with just a communicable curse. The only minor issue I have is nothingless (being nothing; nonexistent) should be nonetheless or nevertheless (in spite of that). If there are other minor issues, I've missed them due to being more focused on the major issues. Even though I don't like a lot of what you did with this story in regards to the prompt, I think with some polish, it would be good story outside of the context of the prompt. I really hope this doesn't come off as too harsh because I did like it, but I don't think it lived up to its potential due to the word limit more so than the prompt. Story B: I nearly gagged at the description of the diseased rat and the fact that he picked it up. I can only imagine how that might've smelled. Also, scum-brained whoreson is, possibly, the best insult I've ever read. Good job! These flashbacks are disorienting because of the switching between tenses without anything else to show it's a flashback. Toward the end it starts to feel like a flashback within a flashback. You could italicize the flashbacks to distinguish them from the present. Or, instead of breaking up the flashbacks, you could make it a single flashback with time skips. I'm not sure how I feel about the protagonist trying to justify his actions before we even know what he did. I have to say, you did a great job making a hateable character. However, his choice to kill the cook with a disease when he could've just slit the man's throat and toss him overboard is a questionable choice on the writer's part. Valdir is clearly intelligent enough to know that the fleas can spread the disease, and humans can spread it as well. He called the rat a ticking time bomb. Despite this, you did great in making him a weird and creepy character. Learning that Aria is his niece is just the icing on the cake. Although, at this point, I already wanted to strangle him for being a creep and a fucking retard. Another instance that makes it weird that the protagonist thinks the rat is a good idea is when he prays death will pass over them. In other words, what in God's name possessed him to do this? He fucking knew it was a plague and what plagues do! He was concerned about the cook spreading it, so he lopped the cook's head off, getting blood and diseased mucus all over the ship? And he's proud of it? He could've just shoved the cook overboard and, still, he wouldn't suffer any consequences! What kind of psychopath plants a plague rat on a ship when he knows the worst that'll happen to him for outright killing the cook is a light scolding?! Again, what is wrong with this guy? Four days of incubation is plenty of time for the disease to spread throughout the ship unnoticed. Even though the cook showed symptoms first, how do we know the protagonist didn't get infected first? After all, he came in contact with the yellow fluid first (I imagine the disease can spread this way since you implied the mucus contains the disease) before the cook was introduced to the diseased fleas. A part of me feels like the story would've been better if the protagonist caught the disease and spread it after deciding against planting the rat on the ship. Anyway, Aria was a clever name for Valdir's niece, considering the protagonist is reflecting and expressing his thoughts on what he's done. I liked where he came to the realize his niece was infected. The realization stands out and has more of an effect than if you had made it all one paragraph after the action tag. There are a handful minor issues:
  • "His mind is claimed by the mistakes of the past, of his regrets and his prayers." is in passive voice. It probably would be better to say something like, "The mistakes of the past, of his regrets and his prayers, claim his mind." It also fixes the issue of using a past tense word in a present tense part.
  • While technically correct due to verb tense (a spellchecker probably won't pick them up) they weaken your writing: - "She was speaking to the cook," reads better as "she spoke to the cook." - "It was love that had driven him, but love had not taken command of his flesh." Would probably sound better as "Love had driven him." - "The crowd had begun to disperse," would sound better as "The crowd dispersed."
  • People don't lay on anything, they lie on things.
  • In "It was in the black of night that he had donned a dark hood and a false name, prowled the streets, relentless in his search." Would've probably flowed better as "In the black of night, donning a dark hood and a false name, he prowled the streets, relentless in his search." The major problem with the sentence was the awkwardness caused by prowled the streets.
  • "The deck was painted in the man’s blood and the yellow mucus of disease, a beautiful canvas." Here's another example of passive voice in your story. I've fixed it here, "The man's blood painted the deck with blood and the yellow mucus of disease, a beautiful canvas." Also, I think a beautiful canvas would be better as its own sentence, but it depends on how you want it to flow.
  • It's impossible to smile spoken words.
  • “Even if you he’s sick, give the man a few days, he’ll recover fine.” I'm not sure what you're trying to say here, but it looks like you started writing one thing then started writing something else without realizing it.
  • “What you be doing here, Valdir?” This is one of the most awkward pieces of dialogue I've ever read. It's like a half-assed attempt at pirate speak that doesn't show up again throughout the rest of the story.
  • "He is tired of suffering." There's nothing wrong with this, and I shouldn't even put it under minor issues. This is merely a personal preference, but I would prefer "He tires of this suffering." And put it after the Valdir knows sentence. Again, this is just a personal preference more than anything else.
This was my favorite story out of both duels. Making the protagonist hateable worked out well; I can't say I've read a story with a good hateable character, but knowing he'll die probably helps. Story C It's nice to see one sci-fi story, even if it's barely implied. Honestly, it's going to be difficult for me to give decent feedback here. There's just so little to work with. It almost resembles my first drafts. I don't think you should have made the slime sentient. Every living thing's basic instinct is survival and ensuring the survival of the species. With harmful bacteria and parasites, this comes at the expense of the host, however, these things aren't intentionally malicious. Your contagion is sentient and shows intentional maliciousness towards the protagonist. If you want to keep the sentience of the slime, I would suggest giving it a motive and maybe remaining as undetectable as possible. As a story about a contagion, I would like to see more people affected by the slime and how it spreads on the ship. You skip over more details than the other Story As, and it's unclear the protagonist is on a ship until the end. More could have been done to show the protagonist was in some kind of simulated reality on board a spaceship. If the protagonist isn't in a simulated reality, more needs to be done to show that it's both a ship large enough to have 'outdoor' areas and small enough in other areas to have narrow hallways. This story is kind of funny. The protagonist only cares about their own situation, which is kind of funny. But, when you consider the protagonist somewhat cares about what the contagion might identify as (This parasite, slime, bug, whatever it identified as, had crawled into their brains, too), it just adds some hilarity to me. Minor issues:
  • I don't like the in media res beginning followed by a flashback. This is most likely an issue because of how little there is.
  • Why do you suggest the slime might be invisible if the protagonist can't see? Less of a minor issue, but I'm confused as to whether the protagonist is apathetic toward their situation or scared.
  • Ghostly was probably a bad choice of adverb. Should I take it to mean abandoned or something weird going on to show it's a fake reality?
On the bright side, I didn't notice any SPAG issues, but I do think it would've made a better horror comedy. Final thoughts on the duels: Story B in both duels were the stronger stories, but Story A in both duels have the most potential, along with Story C. If the writers of these decide to edit their stories and post them in the forum, I would love to read them again. Also, this post is over the word limit.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/29/2023 6:23:02 PM
I really liked the idea of story A. It had the most creativity and felt very unique in concept. Though I felt it lacked a compelling enough voice to have it be the sole carrier of the story. As in at a campfire, there are people that wholly engross you into whatever they're talking about and people where you kinda drift off to watch the flames flicker. With another few years of experience under her belt, the author of this story will be able to pull it off and blow the competition away.

Story B had the most solid plot. There was action, there were stakes and the characters had something to them as well. Though it felt akin to a new Hollywood movie; it is wholly suited to the market, making it a passible and easy digestion for the cys reader. It even included incest. While being the perfectly average and safe play, I think the author could've included a bit more. I also have a small nitpick. The double spacing combined with the small paragraphs made me scroll way too much, and I hate that.

Story C is short and action-packed, though it failed to provide enough substance in its short stay. I think you could've added a lot more, either sci-fi space spectacle, character depth or parasite depth.

In the end, my vote goes to story B.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/29/2023 6:23:15 PM

Usual disclaimer: To the author, take everything I mention with a grain of salt; I’m no master when it comes to writing, nor am I a seasoned reviewer (yet). As for readers, there will be many, many spoilers. Do yourselves a favor and read the stories first

Story A

First impressions

  • Good use of dialogue to start the story. It alludes to a well-known tale, The Little Mermaid, but strangely enough I don’t remember the part about her wanting an everlasting soul? Or maybe this is a different version of that tale. Perhaps it’s a retelling.
  • The first paragraph gives the narrator a distinct voice and personality, while also introducing the theme.
  • I like that it subverts expectations; it starts off sympathizing with the little mermaid, then it condemns her for selfishness and recklessness. 


Writing style

  • At times, it is rather informal—e.g. “You don’t just go to a sea witch when you want your acne cured”—but this adds to the narrative style. There are also moments of colloquialisms like “you know” and repeated words such as “greedy, greedy”. All of this sort of gives me the impression of someone telling a bedtime story to children and trying to teach them a moral lesson from it.
  • Seems like this story is written mainly in dialogue. It’s certainly interesting, though there are limitations without prose. Let’s see if it works out.
  • There’s a lot of redundant lines (e.g. “He wanted to believe she would come back. He hoped deep down that she would return.”). While this makes sense if there’s something you want to draw attention to or emphasize, such as the above example, an overuse of this when it’s unnecessary might lead to reducing the impact of such a technique. I’d say the same extends to using two similar adjectives in a row—although it makes sense in this story to capture the narrative voice, it might not go as well in a longer piece. 
  • I like this line: “A fish swam past him at a normal speed, but the water ripples seemed to hate him with such a passion that made him want to hate them back.”


Characters

  • This is an interesting way to separate the narrator from the protagonist. Even though the story is technically about the little mermaid and she is the ‘protagonist’ of the first half of this retelling, the narrator is someone else, who has his own misbeliefs.
  • This can be seen by his black-and-white thinking: “Humans are greedy, greedy beings” and “Love was never a thing I believed in”. I have a feeling this story will end up having an unreliable narrator. 
  • This misbelief makes sense given his backstory too! But a slight nitpick: if he doesn’t believe in love, why did his wife’s disappearance mean so much to him? Surely he loved her… right?
  • The narrator has fear (loneliness), desire (the return of his daughter) and misbeliefs (humans are bad and love isn’t real). You have good internal conflict. Also, I like how you’ve drawn parallels between the wife and the daughter. 


Plot

  • This is undoubtedly an interesting premise, telling the tale of the little mermaid from a different perspective. It challenges what the reader presumably already knows with some slightly different information—her personality, for instance—while keeping true to most of the original details.
  • I like the twist at the midpoint. At first, I was worried it’ll be repeating the same story most readers already know, but the line “Nothingless, this isn’t a story about her” was simple but effective.
  • The story’s characterization of the little mermaid’s father is well done, especially given his internal conflict. It adds stakes to the whole piece.
  • There’s also foreshadowing when it talks about desperate people going to the sea witch, and later in the story, it was the father’s desperation which caused his downfall.
  • For a moment, I honestly forgot about the prompt and read this as a normal story. So there’s where the strange contagion in the merchant’s vessel is. 
  • Interesting reveal that he’s the king. I sort of guessed it was either him or someone close to him, but it was well foreshadowed and made sense given the narrative voice.
  • Alright, so I’m going to be honest: the character arc (from corruption to a possible redemption one) is fleshed out pretty well, and I like the idea that the king arrives at his moment of realization only after he’s finished telling the story, then he heads over to the sea witch’s place for his final decision. However, the story also feels a bit… lacking. It doesn’t really provide many answers for why the sea witch wanted the king to curse the humans or how that changed his belief about humans. 


Overall, a strong entry although the thunderdome theme wasn’t a focal point of the story (it felt more like an afterthought/ an addition to a previously written story). 

Story B

First impressions

  • From the first line, this story crafts a dark atmosphere. The ominous “He knows it will not save him” is a good way to sustain reader attention. 
  • There’s a brief tense change from present to past in the third line. It should be ‘can’ instead of ‘could’. Not that it detracts from readability at all.
  • Descriptions are well-written. I like the technique of using one-word sentences to draw emphasis and create suspense.


Writing style

  • Where the previous entry was informal, this one has a more serious and darker tone. 
  • It is very character-driven too, focusing on Valdir’s internal state first, and then showing how it impacts his actions and the story as a result. 
  • “Oh, Aria. My sweet, stupid, Aria.” — This line reminds me of Gower’s story, Natalie. Not sure why but that protagonist seems like he’ll get along with Valdir. 
  • This story is great at stretching suspense. It describes the horrible consequences of the acts that will be committed before ever mentioning them (e.g. "Looking back on that now, Valdir regretted it all" and "that mistake had caused his downfall"). This build-up keeps readers invested in the story, especially as it’s told in a fragmented structure, befitting the tone, narrator, and nature of this tale. 
  • I was slightly grossed out by the description of the rat, which shows your writing prowess.


Characters

  • This story is written in 3rd person limited, and the protagonist’s personality shines through the prose. His suspicious and cynical nature is reflected in his thoughts about the cook. Also, it reveals his protective nature of Aria. It shows his priorities, too, about how taking her as wife is worse than harming her—does this foreshadow red flags in the protagonist? Edit: yes, though not in the way I expected.
  • Valdir’s misbelief is characterized well: he distrusts anyone getting close to Aria. His desire is to keep her with him and his fear is of losing her. There’s a lot of internal conflict, such as the lines, “It was not his fault. He did it for love.” It shows he’s trying to rationalize his actions, but by the start of the next paragraph, he realizes his actions are in his control.
  • The cook acts as a foil, giving him food and remaining pleasant throughout the conversation, which serves to juxtapose Valdir’s distrustful nature


Plot

  • The flashback structure is executed nicely, starting with the protagonist facing the consequences of his actions, then returning to the start to provide an explanation.
  • Then, it outlines the stakes clearly—losing Aria to another man—and dives into Valdir’s psyche. 
  • Although I initially thought it didn’t make much sense for the protagonist to poison the whole barrel of wine just to kill the cook, I realized made sense given his rationality being hindered by emotions, possible desire to remain unconnected to the crime, and unhinged psychopathic personality as  a whole.
  • The false victory being used before the dark disaster plot point is good. Then, this signifies a shift in the protagonist’s scene goals—getting the cook off the vessel—and even though the readers can predict what happens, it’s kept interesting.
  • I like the twist that Aria is his niece. 
  • Slight nitpick: the reaction to Valdir killing the cook is a bit underwhelming and out of character, especially given that the other sailors were initially trying to stop him from merely insulting the man. Something about the shift from protecting the cook to cheering for his death is a bit too sudden. And I would have thought Aria would not agree with his violence as she has been described to have pleasant conversations with him, thus leading to a very different dynamic between the characters at the end.
  • I like how he started off resisting the temptation to kill the cook with a sword, and in the end, he does so anyway.
  • The corruption arc is complete as he realizes how his actions have led to his downfall. Even though he refuses to face his misbelief, he knows at least that he’s responsible for the consequences, and his worst fear of losing Aria becomes reality.
  • In the conversation between them, “she smiles” should be in past tense as it’s still part of the flashback, which probably could be fixed with better proofreading.
  • Oh, that ending is a twisted way to show he’s too deeply entrenched in the misbelief to the point where his solution causes a worse fate, but he believes it’s the best outcome.


In conclusion, this entry has a strong adherence to the thunderdome theme and it maintains a consistent, tragic tone throughout. 

Story C

First impressions

  • It starts off with a one-word sentence that’s italicized. This is a commonly used technique, but it’s effective too. It sets up a quick pace and begins with action.
  • Maybe I’m nitpicking, but I don’t really see the logical link behind the narrator deciding which way to run then suddenly talking about jumping.
  • “No rules apply” is an interesting line.


Writing style

  • This has a more informal style like the first story, as the protagonist—who is also the narrator—uses simplistic sentences, e.g. “I hate invisible slime”, colloquialisms, e.g. “nothing, nada, zilch!”, and stream-of-consciousness type additions, e.g. “really I do”.
  • One thing I’d advise is not to overuse simple sentences. Yes, they’re punchy and can create the effect of emphasis, but if they’re used too often, it detracts from the effectiveness after a while.
  • “Could” is past tense, not present. But this is a relatively minor error.
  • I have mixed feelings about the way you integrated the flashback. On one hand, I appreciate the juxtaposition of the current situation and the past, showing how out of ordinary the current circumstances are. On the other hand, it feels a bit forced because no one would, in the middle of traversing a treacherous hallway of scratching and screams, abruptly stop to think about how they got here.


Characters

  • There is some attempt at establishing a sort of informal, high-schooler kind of narrative voice, although that might just be the author’s natural writing style. This is the mean girls hair pulling fight, after all.
  • The main character isn’t really given much of a distinct personality, which is why the central conflict is life vs death.
  • Now, it works alright in this smaller-scale story, but in the future, I suggest implementing both internal and external conflict. While the external conflict is interesting to read about (usually the concept that draws readers in), the internal conflict gives readers a reason to care about the characters and shows them why the external conflict matters in the first place.


Plot

  • Just like the second entry, it starts off with a suspenseful situation then uses a flashback to explain how this occurs.
  • Suspense is employed to keep the stakes up and the story continuously raises new questions: Where is the mother? Why has everyone disappeared? What is the voice in the protagonist’s ear?
  • Brief allusions to a sci-fi setting hints at the paranormal nature of the slime, and I found the subtle worldbuilding to be quite fascinating.
  • Even though it does end up explaining how this situation came to be, in my opinion, it doesn’t feel like a complete ‘story’. Stories require some degree of choice, where the protagonist takes an action to achieve their goal and readers see the consequences of this. Yet, here, the main character is merely another victim in this ship, and we aren’t able to see any difficult decisions being made or what the consequences of this are.
  • It leaves a lot unresolved too. While this may work depending on the type of story, some element of closure ought to be found.


Nevertheless, despite these flaws, it’s a fun entry to read and it implements the thunderdome theme as a key part of the narrative.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago

No vote for winner?

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago

I liked A. It's just personal preference, but it appealed to me more than the others through the formatting. It was hard for me to read short paragraphs that break off after one or two paragraphs. B and C were a little cooler storywise, and C dragged you in more, but I did like the idea of the little mermaid from the father's POV. Story A could be seen as offtopic cause of the little mention of the disease, but I saw it as 'the contigion is the doubt and worry growing in the father's mind'. So it was ontopic, if you squint. 

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/29/2023 6:23:31 PM

I'm going to look at these as AP responses.

Story A

I really enjoyed that this was a continuation of the Hans Andersen version of the story, which allowed it to feel more natural as you delved into the darker perspective of the father. The story started off pretty alright, drawing me in with refrences to the well-known story but making it clear that this was a supplement to that story and not a stand alone. That, I believe, is both this story's biggest strength and also it's most detrimental flaw.

Positives: While still continuing The Little Mermaid, its refrences back to the original were enough to follow even for those who hadn't read the story for about the first half of this work. Being driven completely by dialogue is beneficial for the feel of this entry, since this is someone relenting about their past and allows for the biased narrator approach that is taken here (so while I didn't enjoy it, I see what you were going for).

Negatives: My biggest nitpick about this one is how convoluted it becomes once the king talks to the sea witch. This is also where being super intwined with the original becomes an issue. A lot of what is mentioned, most importantly the sea foam being his daughter only is super clear if you know what happens. This makes this read very dependant on a work a lot of people haven't read. Another negative is how janky the twist of the narrator being the father is, even with it being fairly obvious from the start. Even with all that being said, I can't help but also wish the ending was a bit more satisfying. After the reveal, the king just quickly gives up on life and goes to join his loved ones in the afterlife. It just feels very sudden and I feel like it could've been fleshed out more if time hadn't been spent over-explaining the original throughout this entry.

I'm not going to critique you shoehorning the disease in, as that has been already been picked apart.

I'd give this is a 2/5.


Story B

Right off the bat, this entry laid down a very clear tone of tragedy and repugnance. Very quickly was the core of this story established and the delusion/derrangement of the narrator clear from the start. Impulsive actions and jealousy really drove this and kept my fully invested. With only three important characters, it allowed for more time spent fleshing them out and really solidfying the foundation of this. Actually really enjoyed reading this one.

Positives: Strong character development, especially for Valdir. His motivation was questionable at best even from the start, but by the end they were quite repulsive. This allows him to go from a semi-sympathetic protagonist to a villain in a seamless manner. Outside of that, I also really enjoy how central the disease is to this one. Taking the prompt and turning it on its head is very clever, using the disease as more than just a plot device but rather the direct result of Valdir's misguided actions. Also, this story does have the underlying theme of love being a negative as well as a positive, quite like a disease itself. I doubt it was intentional, but I think it melds really well into the plot. Plus, great descriptions of an indeterminate illness.

Negatives: I only really have one thing that bothers me. If the disease/plague was as bad as described... how did no one else get sick besides Valdir and the cook? Not only was the rat contaminating the food source on a ship that is on the sea for long periods of time, but the blood of both men also covered the deck. Given the time period implied, there is no sensible way that would've been properly handled and this almost certainly would've resulted in an outbreak that likely would've killed half (if not all) of the crew. This includes Aria. While it was clever to use the disease, it does not make logical sense, even for someone as out of it as Valdir, to put Aria in harm's way with this. Especially since his goal was to protect her for his own gain.

I'd give this 3.5/5. (Rounded up to a 4/5).

 

Story C

This was the most unique of the three. While the others were set on a traditional merchant vessel, this was set in a futuristic setting and with a neuro-parasite instead of a plague or virus. This had the strongest premise but it really squandered its potential.

Positives: Unique setting and great twist on the prompt.

Negatives: Extremely rushed. The ship reveal itself is awkward and the parasite reveal could have been built up more. Nothing seemed to be fully fleshed out, not even the faceless main character. That reminds me, the narrator has very little personality but her mother is very fleshed out, even given a phobia. Secondary characters do not take precedence over the ones we are with the majority of the time. All in all, despite being a very short story, it felt disjointed and unsure of itself.

I'd give this a 1/5.

My vote is very clearly STORY B.

 

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by mizal on 4/29/2023 6:23:44 PM
Story A: This one was a bit odd. The whole thing is told in a way that implies oral storytelling. The first part of the story is a sort of recap and commentary on the Little Mermaid with thoughts and perceptions from the king thrown in. In my opinion, this part should be cut. It’s your story, so who cares about the original? It’s just taking up space that could be filled with your thoughts and creativity.

The story concept as a whole seems to be some kind of monkey’s paw situation with the sea witch. It’s just really hard to follow. I’m not sure if the unique format made it harder to write. It’s possible that writing in a more traditional format would have led to more clarity in the plot. The part after the meeting with the sea witch with the king’s headache and the voices was especially confusing. I’m not sure what was being expressed here.

I’m also confused on how the sea witch carried out her side of the bargain. I think it’s implied that his daughter was on the ship, but that hardly counts as getting her back.

The very last sentence where he says that the trip to the sea witch felt like home was also completely indecipherable for me.

Altogether, I like the concept of Faustian bargains and fairytales gone wrong, but this one is convoluted and hard to follow.

Story B: The highlight here is clearly the rat with the crunchy outside and soft gooey inside. The amount of care and intentionality put toward grossing me out reminds me of kids in elementary school who would pick their nose and eat it, so thanks for that.

This story benefits from following story A with a rather straightforward tale. A bigoted uncle wants his niece to not marry the man of questionable parentage that she seems infatuated with, so he tries to infect one guy with an apparently contagious disease. Then he kills the guy with a sword anyway.

There’s obviously much, much better ways to kill a person (or convince someone else to kill a person), but I personally find the idea that he went for the nuclear option without a second thought hilarious.

I’m also not sure why Valdir wasn’t infected after carrying the rat in his pocket for an undefined amount of time. I suppose it’s possible, but it definitely seems like he’ll have fleas for a while at the least.

Anyway, of course, as Aria is the person closest to the cook, she’s infected by the same disease. Valdir responds with the only rational answer: suicide. Just like Aria would have wanted. I suppose it’s because he feels guilty. I suppose he should. He did directly bring about her death, after all.

This story does have description and sentence structure going for it. It makes it enjoyable to read even if most of the description is about the texture of a tainted rat corpse.

Story C: This one is incredibly short, petering out before even breaking one thousand words, and I think it may suffer from this fact more than any other factor.

Before I go any further, I want to point out that the line: “I hate invisible slime” also hurts your story quite a bit. It’s really weird and implies that the character has some sort of experience with invisible slime.

The parasite is revealed too easily and quickly in my opinion, especially when you had so many words to spare. You seemed to be going for a tone of suspense, yet it’s broken nearly immediately. Showing us a little more torment from the parasite or a greater effort being required to discover that the narrator’s perception had been overridden by the parasite would have been interesting and probably given more insight into the characters.

We’re also not told how the disease works, or what the statuses of the other crew members are.

I think I like the idea and concept of this one the best, but there’s not enough story here for me to feel satisfied with it, and there are still quite a few issues. If this was a last minute thing, I personally would love to see this fleshed out and expanded.

As throngs stand, I give it to story B

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Once again a great set of entries, I was pretty pleased with the variety we wound up with. But there can be only one winner, and this time that's Typecat with Story B!

Story A was by Stargirl, and the Unnamed Mystery Challenger who brought us Story C is none other than Fresh. That's right, we managed to get all three Mean Girls in the ring after all! TypeCat for now takes the championship belt, and if any of the others need a used belt (for any reason) they'll have to fight her for it!

Big thanks to all contestants, and to Fresh for being a good sport about having her match rescheduled on short notice.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Psst, girls, I need you all to respond here so you can get your comms.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by TharaApples on 4/29/2023 7:18:42 PM

Congrats Typecat. You deserved the win. 

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by TharaApples on 4/29/2023 7:18:34 PM

One comm, please.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago

Wins too much. 

Must be a case of site nepotism, surely.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago
Commended by Sherbet on 4/29/2023 8:33:08 PM

Hi

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago

Congrats to Typecat for the win, and good job to Fresh and Stargirl for interesting entries.

Thunderdome 2: Mean Girls Hair Pulling Fight

one year ago

Congratulations, TypewriterCat! You've got 2 wins already, crazy.