Wow, I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. But like Miz said, yeah, it's a good thing that you're deciding to stay put until college.
I know you said this was just to rant, but having been through a (tbh much, much less severe) version of what you're going through, I'm going to list a few things that's helped me. Hopefully it'll be of some use to you too.
Small Concessions & Persuasive Techniques
I recommend asking your parents for 'small concessions' where possible, in order to make your living situation more tolerable in the meantime. Maybe think of what things will make the situation easier to deal with and how you could frame these so they'll grant it? Here are some potential persuasive tips I've personally used.
Door in the face technique
Start with a big request they reject, then they will be more likely to accept a smaller request.
I actually used this on my parents lol. Back when I was in high school, I shared a room with my sister and would use a communal area as a study space. Obviously, this wasn't optimal because I was—and still am—quite uncomfortable writing when someone's watching me. I also didn't want my family to find out about CYS as they won't approve of the site culture. Once, I remember being on the verge of burnout and had to hold in tears the whole day after getting an 82% for a math test (we're the sort of family where anything below 90% is a 'fail') and I didn’t want to make the rest of my family worry.
But back to the topic, I wanted my own personal space, so I asked them for the entire top floor (something like an attic) to be converted to my bedroom and study space. I volunteered to clean it up too. They disagreed, saying it'll be too much work to do so and probably trigger my allergies, which is when I offered the alternative of using the smaller guest bedroom. Then I managed to finally get my own study space, which was the place I wrote almost all of my storygames!
Obviously, this tip isn't very strong on its own so combine it with the next two for best results.
Manipulate core values
Alright, I admit the word 'manipulate' makes this sound a little evil, but hey, whatever it takes to regain control of your life, right?
Long story short, I read this really good book (Captivate by Vanessa Van Edwards) about social science, and most people value at least 1 of 6 core things:
- Love – giving affection, acceptance, and likability
- Service – giving support, care, and warmth to provide comfort
- Status – giving responsibility, praise, and titles to evoke pride
- Money – giving coin, currency, or tokens that have been assigned value
- Goods – giving tangible products, objects, or materials
- Information – giving advice, ideas, opinions, and teaching
Just a fyi, most people tend to give a lot of what they want to receive (kinda like love languages), so for instance, if someone performs lots of services for you they probably want to receive it too.
Now, how does this apply? Well your parents probably fall into one of these categories. In fact, I suspect it could be status (there are a number of parents who live vicariously through their children's accomplishments) but it could be something else too. Once you've identified which one your parents fall into, it's time to convince them to grant you small concessions based on their core value.
The easy way to do this is to say, "If you grant me xxx, you will get yyy." This could be as simple as 'granting me my own study space would enable me to get higher grades, which is what you’ve always wanted' (status = they get to brag to other parents about your grades) or as complex as 'enabling me to go abroad for university increases my likelihood of a high paying job and greater career prospects, which will eventually benefit you in the future' (money and goods = they will receive a comfortable future).
I analyzed my mum and decided hers was information, so I basically took her advice and lectures, and connected them to my goal. Not only did this make her feel like her information is valued, but it's also harder for her to dispute her own logic due to the reconfirmation bias. For instance, when she said I needed to take more responsibility, I connected this to the idea of having my own personal space because it'll force me to be responsible for my study area.
Note: if you aren't sure which category your parents fall into, use as many of these core values as you can to get what you want.
Play to their OCEAN personality traits
This stands for:
- Openness - how open someone is to new ideas and experiences
- Conscientiousness - how much emphasis someone puts on self-discipline and organization
- Extroversion - whether someone gets energy from or is drained by socializing
- Agreeableness - how much you value cooperation and forgiveness
- Neuroticism - how much you tend to worry
Search up for more definitions if you are unsure of any of these, but it is very helpful when it comes to persuading someone. Now I want you to rank both your parents in each category, assigning high, middle, and low scores (someone with high openness craves new opportunities and someone with low doesn't, etc).
The way this works is you have to tailor persuasive arguments based on this criteria. My dad is a low openness person (prefers to stick to habits and routines) while my mum is the opposite (finds new challenges exciting). So when I convinced them to let me study overseas, along with the factual arguments, I told my dad about the things which would stay the same (I'll still talk to you all very often, you'll be the first to know if anything bad happens, etc) and I told my mum about all the new, exciting opportunities (I'll be able to mature and develop, you'll be able to visit me and have cool holidays in a different country, etc). This helped both of them become more accepting of the idea.
Conscientiousness is about how structured your persuasive argument should be for your parents. If they're high in this category, that means you should set out rules and routines for the new change along with why it's important to you and them. (e.g. if you grant me x numbers of screen-time, it would serve as a motivation to study y number of hours, but in the event I go overboard you can confiscate my phone for a week).
Extroversion… I'm not exactly sure how it relates here tbh. Maybe it's about how much time you can spend persuading them before they get annoyed by you hanging around. But judging by how they don't give you any personal space, they kinda sound like extroverts. So good luck I guess.
Agreeableness, again, I'm not entirely sure how to implement since they don't sound big on compromise, but maybe frame things like version a = you give me what I want and you get what you desire, version b = you don't give me this and the situation doesn't improve for you. This would work if they’re the type that operates from a scarcity mindset commonly found in competitive parents (in order for me to win, others have to lose or vice versa).
Lastly, I think neurotism is very important. It was for my parents at least. They're pretty neurotic people and tend to worry very easily, so I had to take apart each of their worries and tell them why these wouldn't happen, along with bombarding them with an array of back up plans for my back up plans. Play to their beliefs and what they view as ‘safe’ or ‘good’. But if they're not too neurotic and don't tend to worry much, make sure you don't bring up a ton of 'this might go wrong so I'll do this' as it'll cause them to unnecessarily worry.
Alright now you've improved your living situation a tiny bit. What's the next step?
Get A Non-Studying Hobby
I can definitely relate to 'feeling like you always have to perform for the expectations of others' to the point where I've probably somewhat internalized this belief. I mean, why else do you think I write all these large storygames? (Besides writing being fun ofc). But just remember that your achievements and failing to live up to unrealistic expectations do not define your worth, which is a lesson I'm still trying to learn if I'm being honest.
The best way to stop feeling under constant pressure is to get a relaxing hobby. Preferably something you can do for the sake of having fun, and not something you feel obliged to ‘excel’ at. You probably already know what mine is: writing. Well at first it was reading, and that was a form of escapism for me to the point where I spent entire lunch breaks in the library just devouring CYS storygames. Then it turned into writing. This gave me the opportunity to do something solely for fun—not for the sake of pleasing anyone or living up to someone else's standard. And I loved losing myself in my writing.
In a way, I realize it's all thanks to Mizal's noob contest, which gave me a fun reason to wake up early each morning. I had a renewed sense of purpose beyond ‘study, complete assignments, take exams, get good grades, and repeat’. That was also the first long project I ever attempted. After being forced to assume the roles of 'model student' and 'exemplary older sister', writing and being on CYS gave me the opportunity to have an identity away from all that. And fine, I'll also admit that hanging out on CYS felt like a little way of rebelling when I was younger lol.
So here's my advice: find something fun that gives your life meaning. It would really help so much, especially if you could do something that enables you to express yourself or discover your identity. This hobby would be yours alone and you do not have to share it with your family, otherwise they might set standards of 'good' and 'bad' and suck out all the fun.
Tip: the 'studying' excuse never fails. If you can establish yourself as a super hard worker and have good grades to show for it, just say you have an exam and you'll get uninterrupted free time to 'study'. I've written many storygames that way. They keep thinking I'm overworking myself haha. Oh, and if you haven't already, I definitely recommend asking for your own study room.
Extra tip:
If you can, also try to convince them to let you use a mobile device for studying too since that gives you access to CYS and the internet. To do this, maybe join some school societies that would make them feel like you’re achieving things (e.g. prefects, debate club, or any academics-related stuff. Or maybe sports/ music stuff if you’re good at that because where I come from, it gives you access to all kinds of scholarships which parents just love). Then use the society as an excuse to get a bit of screen time, saying you have to communicate with other people for your duties in the club, and once they get used to you using your phone more and more often, eventually they will be more open to the idea of you keeping it. Show them you know how to control your phone usage and don't let it affect your grades. Another idea is to convince them of the importance of study groups, which would again give you somewhat unlimited access to a device and sometimes you might need to lie about an ‘exam’ and call a friend to vouch for you. If the situation is that dire, I mean.
Prepare for the future
I know it seems like many things may be out of your control, but find ways to focus on the things you can.
Living on your own or with a different family for university/ college is not easy, so I recommend getting a head start. Learn to cook simple dishes, research the area you're going to be staying in, and look for courses you'll like to study. This enables you to take a bit of control over your life and gives you something to look forward to in the future. In a way, it's like a small act of rebellion too.
A lot of potential problems might arise too, and not to scare you or anything but if your parents are not the type you can discuss future issues with, then it's best to prepare contingency plans. Examples include: what to do in medical emergencies, how to handle things like finances and rent, etc. And find an external support system if you can. For instance, if you want to you could always ask CYS members for advice here, but just bear in mind there might be some trolling responses you'll have to take with a grain of salt. And it's the internet so anyone can access the information you put out.
Conclusion
I hope you can find ways to somewhat create joy in your current situation, while standing up for yourself in the things that matter using the tips I've put above. There are plenty of other persuasion techniques out there if the ones I've stated don't work (like I know a friend who made contracts with her parents saying she'll get a certain grade in exchange for a reward, but idk how helpful that'll be if the general expectation is for you to get good grades anyway). And definitely look for hobbies you can do and enjoy which will make time pass by more quickly.
Best of luck with everything! :)
