Is this where we sign up for the CYS team in the upcoming oppression Olympics? I saw the thread over on CoG and was hoping CYS would be making a team this year.
Also, am I right in assuming that being a straight white male invalidates our taumas and disorders?
I am a suicidal citizen of the world with self-diagnosed bipolar disorder, ADD, ADHD, gender dysphoria, anxiety, PTSD, depression, homosexuality, OCD, Asperger's, and am demi-pan-romantic and on the asexuality spectrum.
The title of this thread is harmful and shows exactly what is wrong with your white, cishet, neurotypical dominated society. There's nothing wrong with me but what you created in your own mind out of hate and fear, but I have to live in the world you create EVERY FUCKING DAY. So FUCK OFF and EDUCATE YOURSELF.
Now excuse me. I need to take a Xanax.
Laguz, stop hijacking Cricket's account.
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.
Here's the original thread if you just want the lulz from CoGite pain.
Eh, I'll ruin the thread with you. That way you aren't alone. And I'm sorry you've had to go through so much. I hope it gets better for you.
Nationality: Russian-American (born in Russia but with American citizenship as well)
Disorders: Diagnosed with aspergers and depression
Traumas: Growing up I was abused both physically and verbally by my father and step mother (real mom died when I was around three). I still have numerous scars, burn marks, and a few teeth that are chipped and damaged from it. My step mother also sexually abused both me and my brother and often tried getting our half sisters involved in said abuse. I served in the army for a few years which has given me something of a fear of cities and urban areas. I tend to get anxious when walking down streets with lots of buildings and stuff like that. During my deployment I saw my brother die to an ambush. This mixed with my depression lead to an attempted suicide when I got home. I've gotten a few scars during my work as a firefighter but they're just marks. Nothing that's really debilitating. Oh, and I still occasionally get messages from my family that are rather inappropriate and hurtful. But they can be pretty easily ignored. I guess that's it. It could be much worse. And life is going pretty good now. I still have a job and am a functioning member of society. I take care of my little sister and stuff. Some days are hard but I just try to focus on the positives if I can. No point dwelling on the bad when you can still do good in the world.
I mean he's Russian, the chances of him growing up WITHOUT extensive child abuse was going to be pretty slim.
"No point dwelling on the bad when you can still do good in the world."
I will take that to heart!
Educate me about Aspergers. I honestly know nothing about it, and what it means. If your comfortable doing so of course.
It's on the autism spectrum. Basically, in my case at least, people with aspergers tend to have difficulty in social situations. We tend to be a bit (or a lot) socially awkward and aren't that great at picking up social cues. People with aspergers also tend to get a somewhat obsessive interest in certain subjects or topics. In my case, it is history and theology. I can remember tons of dates, names, nations, political structures, wars, religions, etc. I could literally talk for hours about the differences between the Russian Orthodox Church and Greek Orthodox Church, or I can explain to you the various different shields and weapons used by the armies of the Eastern Roman Empire in the 4th century. Stuff like that. It really isn't super debilitating, especially since I have a very patient family who for some reason loves to hear me ramble. My time in the army also helped a lot. Honestly, you probably wouldn't be able to tell that I'm on "the spectrum" very easily anymore. It could be worse. But it does make me very clueless sometimes. I hope that helps/has helped a bit.
TL;DR It's essentially high functioning autism
"told only sluts with STDs would ever wanna have sex with me"
Well I'm sure IBV would still give you the total girlfriend experience if you threw in another 50.
what up gamers
My name is Tony, and I go by the online handle of NeuronPrison. I live in California, and I’m currently 17, but I turn 18 on the 8th of August, so hooray for me. At this point I've lost count of how long I've been lurking on this site, and, well, a proper introduction is far behind schedule. The basic overview is that I listen heavy music, play fast-paced shooters, and basically anything that is HIGHLY ENERGETIC. I also like furry art (usually of the not-so safe for work variety) and eccentric, avant-garde films. Of late, I have also had an unusual and unexplainable affinity for children’s shows and Japanese animation, which are two media that I have until now long had nothing but disdain for.
Music is easily my largest hobby. I've been a metalhead since I was young, since my father typically listened to metal and ended up getting me into it. My first and foremost musical encounters were Megadeth, Iron Maiden, White Zombie, Pantera, Anthrax, Sick of it All, Lamb of God, Black Sabbath, and Slayer. I remember when I would sit in my room, listening to Iron Maiden's Fear of the Dark on a old CD player, along with Slayer's Walk and Lamb of God’s Black Label.
Since then, I have developed my tastes in heavy metal, and explored other genres, such as electronic music and hip-hop. As of now, my favorite genres are groove and thrash metal, progressive metal and rock, technical death metal, deathcore, djent, hardcore punk/crossover thrash, doom metal, experimental hip-hop, and digital hardcore. Some of my favorite bands and artists, in no particular order, include Animals As Leaders, Gojira, Dream Theater, Sick of it All, High On Fire, Infant Annihilator, Pantera, Tool, Atari Teenage Riot, Gwar, Igorrr, Tyler the Creator, Death, Black Flag, Cattle Decapitation, Voivod, MF DOOM, Rabbit Junk, Slayer, DOWN, Hella, Strapping Young Lad, Lamb of God, King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard, Meshuggah, Death Grips, and more.
I’ll be splitting this up into numerous paragraphs because I’m gonna be typing a lot, so please dont ban me for spam thanx
I got into furry stuff in general when I was about 13 or 14, when I started playing Pokemon for the first time. My first Pokemon game was Diamond, and is still my personal favorite. Since then, I have also played Y and Alpha Sapphire, but never went further than that, as I feel the games are incredibly easy, tedious, and overall, boring. Irregardless, Pokemon had aided in developing my affinity for dragons (and not only in a sexual way either).
I also began watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic about 3 or 4 years ago, since it was recommended by a friend of mine. I initially shuddered at the idea of actually enjoying the show, but I soon came to accept it. I never really cared all that much for the equines, but I did quite enjoy characters like Spike, Discord, and a few others. (also, fizzle is best derg don’t @ me) Honestly, I just wish I discovered the show sooner, since it has greatly helped to influence my life up to this moment.
To end this introduction that's looking to be wordier than the majority of what everyon's written here already, I’m just going to come out and say that I think I’d like to get to know some of the peeps on the site, since I've felt left out of most convos since I'm not really familiar with anyone here. Perhaps I should read the introductions others have made? If anyone wants to talk, get to know me, or anyting else, feel free to shoot me a PM. I’m lurking around most days.
t h a t s g a y
BTW your profile is pretty epic.
My penis is too big
Ooh, are we doing more documentation stuff? How about we have a race war on here or something? That would be really cool, like, we could all be playfully racist and find our genetic brethren on this cold and lonely slice of the net. Like instead of architects and marauders it could be Latinas and South Pacific Asians and stuff! And because there are different cultures within cultures, think of all the in fighting! Anyways!
Nationality: I'm half Arabic! My aunt Debbie once said Muslims worship meteorites, but i couldn't tell her to Fuck Off because I'd missed my cue and was playing Pokemon Mystery Dungeon under the table.
Orientation: I'm completely frigid! I want to play video games and eat sandwiches! Sex is not something I think about, or have ever thought about.
Disorders: I have anxiety, but I actually manage everything pretty well! I'm just always on the go! So I never rest, and I end up leaving my brains and bones vulnerable to the chillies and the shakies and the stone-throat! Also depression but I've lived 20 years with it, so going another week or so is no problem! ( ouo)b*
Trauma: I had a childhood straight out of one of those silly mellodramatic movies with the Tragic Backstory and Batman Guys! Nothing you haven't seen or heard of before! I'm doing well for myself, but sometimes there is a stale feeling of something that can't be tossed away. I can do as I please now, and I'm thankful for it! My independence has gotten me far. I am going to become strong enough to take care of my sister as soon as she graduates. I can't wait!
Ah, how unfair Mizal! You should do it too, since you posted this here! Otherwise I really will start a race riot!
I always enjoy reading your posts. You seem like a fun person.
OK, let's do this. I'm a POC, because Irish isn't white and I stand by that. I'm bisexual, so that's great. I have serious narcissism issues and a rational fear of clowns, that's a trauma. My mom's pubis sort of hurts, I think I cut it shaving. I think that's everything.
Takes drag from cigarette
I don't fit into any of your categories, but your doctors tell me I
Possess every single possible mental illness in the highest degree, which makes me the most special and unique person ever.
Alright fuckbois let's do this
Disorders: Diagnosed with ADD (explains why I have so many projects that I don't pay attention too), while it wasn't diagnosed I'm 90% sure I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum, and I have severe arachnophobia (mostly just tarantulas and other hairy bois).
Traumas: You want the long list or the short list? But nah to put it simply, I have two half-sisters that were taken away by CPS and I'll probably never see them again, my parents are drug addict fuck ups, and I live in perpetual poverty. Also my name's Jared, I'm 19, and I never fucking learned how to read.
Nationality: American, and a I don't have papers. I am a mixed breed mutt. There is a little of everything in me. That is to say in my DNA.
Traumas: Well fuck me running backwards. I have missed my tribe. Here goes. Kidnaped at age 4 and strangled. Lived to tell the tale but have been screwed up in the head every since. My heart stopped and I had an out of body experience, so I have seen dead people all my life as a result from stepping thru the veil. Dad was a psychopath, who beat me on the regular, and started making passes by the time I was 15. So I started fighting him, and everyone else around me. I was later stalked and stabbed, then raped as an adult. Lived in a house for 3 years that was haunted. While living there began sleep walking and missing time. My family was attacked and we all nearly lost our lives. The city lists the event as paranormal, as no explanation was ever found for the cause. The events there really screwed up my whole family. So, my 17 year old shot himself in the head. I lost my mind and my life and kids.
Disorder at this time: Well hell. What isn't wrong with me? I still see dead people but a fun side gig is doing readings for people and talking to dead people all the time, which is a hoot! I don't charge because I am a softy, or stupid, or both. My current situation is I got the shit knocked out of me last week, and my face blew up three sizes larger than it should. Cops screwed up and I ended up right back here.
I am blessed to be alive. I really did miss you guys! How is everyone?
Hm, I like your trauma story the best so far due to all the undead involved.
Makes me feel like I was actually there the entire time.
Hello End Master,
Yes, the undead are interesting, aren't they? Hey this is completely off topic, but the whole undead made me think about it. Did any of you hear about that village in Thailand I think it was where they woke up and all the body's were gone from the graves. It looked like they crawled out. If it had been grave robbers why did think they take the actual body? Voodoo maybe? No in Thailand. I have a video on it. I will try and link it here. Hopefully it works.
Freaky stuff! Cemetery in Thailand dawned like this today, with all the graves open and without any corpse and so far no one can explain what happened.
Excuse the grammatical errors. I typed it out rather quickly.
The city lists it as it as beyond the scope of their abilities to determine the cause. The normal scientific method could not find rational, logical reason for the event. I will summarize the event. The house had been highly active for 3 years. We experienced everything from shadow's that moved unnaturally, mists, crying from the kids room when no one was in there; the walls cried; toys coming on without batteries; banging on the walls; growls were heard; full body apparition; strange electrical issues; tv coming on and off on its own; lights flipping off and back on their own; scratches; burned badly in my sleep by what i still don't know; physical attacks became common; cabinets and drawers slamming open and shut on their own; same with doors; i was sleep walking regularly; woke up one night and i was driving. i was cleaning the last night alone, and someone rung the doorbell. I went to answer it; and the neighbor leaned down and look back at me in the peep hole and then turned and walked away. no one was there of course when i opened the door. When I shut it and realized the person had to lean down to the peep hole i realized it was not any human being. I panicked and my lungs seized up. Went to find my inhaler and that is the last thing i remember. I woke up falling from a standing position slamming into the wall and hitting the floor. I was colder than i have ever been in my life. I didn't recognize my surroundings because all the furnishings were gone. I was very disoriented and confused. i crawled in the tub because i was so cold and called my boyfriend. He was frantic. he had been looking for me. i had gone missing for five hours. i still don't know what i was doing or where i was. for that time. The event that the fire department and police have listed as unsolved due to no known logical cause for the event was a month before. I had been attacked that night. The next morning I had a blinding headache. my boyfriend kept passing out trying to get up. We managed to get out and call 911. Lethal levels of carbon monoxide are 30 per square feet. the fire department said my home was over 500. I had been awake an hour before and every thing was fine. so it rose to that level and an alarming rate. nothing in the home according to the fire department investigator could cause levels that rapidly and and that high. nothing was found malfunctioning. We did have a hot water heater, but it was working properly. we replaced it anyway. I am still unsure what happened.
When I say I ended up back here I meant, ended up back at home where I started. The police said they got me a room for the night since I had no family and the boyfriend had all the money. They dropped me off but forgot the reserve the room. I was covered in blood and his drink. people were making remarks and being really mean. I looked a mess. I was so embarrassed I went back after battling to get things straightened out for 2 hours. It was all I could take.
The tooth. yeah that was hella fun. The tooth cracked when he kneed me in the face. So, it more than abscessed. If i was smart enough to load the photo I would show you. I looked like I ate a baseball. plus the swelling from the actual punches and knees to the face didn't help either.
Moral to the story, never allow yourself to be dependent on another person to the point that you have no options in a situation like this. No worries. I will escape one way or the other. Feet or head first, either way. I intend to go down fighting.
I am okay though, for the most part. :)
Hello! This should be interesting because my life is pretty bland, but there are a few interesting tidbits, I guess.
Disorders: Major Depressive Disorder, basically a fancy word for depression because psychiatrists like to hit you with a string of big words you only understand because of the middle word. I was also born with a complete lateral meniscus in my left knee, as well as it being aggressively too thick and stiff to actually sit right. Only had it fixed last year (and scar tissue inside my knee still causes me some discomfort).
Trauma: I don’t think I’ve been overly traumatized other than being in the same school as an active shooter who was later arrested. There’s also been things my parents have said to me that have lasted throughout my life, and things that other kids have said to me that really changed how I think about myself. I’ve been a victim of bullying that’s been deeply rooted in racism since I’ve been able to socialize with other kids. It’s messed me up pretty badly and I’m still working on fixing it. I was also forced into doing some things I regret doing with my first relationship. I’ve also been traumatized by my brother’s violent outbursts towards me, like when he would throw chairs at me, slam doors on my ribs as I walked through them, verbally put me down, etc. Otherwise not too much trauma (thank God).
At Your Throat
Each person's problems are as big to them as the next person. Don't down play what you have been thru. It has tested you, and made you stronger. Depression is hard stuff. I know what you mean. Kids are mean. Some of my worst memories are based around things kids did to me. I try to see it as an opportunity to learn. Something you can't really look at that way. I often say, life handed me a handful of shit. I can't make lemonade out of shit. So, I have to make a shit salad i guess. You make the best of the cards you were given. The good news is your young, and you can make your life what you want it one day, and put all that pain in the rear view mirror.
I'm glad you posted. We are who we are because of our experiences in life. Good or bad, i personally wouldn't change any of the things I have been thru. (except my son's death) I wouldn't be who i am, if my life had not gone the way it did. I would be someone else entirely, and we would not be having this conversation. So I am glad you are who you, and glad you shared.
Oh, forgot the rest:
Traumas: You name it, I probably lived it.
Nationality: USA GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD! VERY NICE!
Disorders: Probably several. I'm too cheap to get properly diagnosed, but I believe my primary disorder is that I get unhappy when I don't get what I want.
By the way, is it a disorder that I'd be okay with an immortal life of being depressed at a meaningless existence? Is it at least an irony? No one ever gets irony right.
Hell, I think I'd make a great vampire.
Read that as "transnigger"
Well hot damn i read it as transnigger too.
Hey, transnigger is a thing!
Nationality - Japanese-Indian(Living in India)
Orientation- Straight(when I consider myself male); Gay(when I consider myself female)
Disorder- Nothing major really, well I did have chronic Asthama when I was young, but it’s not that major now. A very severe pollen and dust allergy, like I literally start severely wheezing if I open a week old book, so I’ve been taking those ‘intranasal corticosteroids’ nasal spray things regularly and always have one with me wherever I go.
Trauma- Well, I was somewhat subjected to bullying in school, namely because I was one of those quiet, nerdy types who loved books more than playing; though I immediately retaliated by kicking said bully in the face;(my combat sport instincts kicked in, and I didn’t realise what happened before it was too late.) and then my parents were forced to pay the nasal surgery for that bully to prevent me from being kicked out of school. Since then I was sort of ignored, even my bestest of friends began ignoring me, it’s like if they couldn’t physically harm me, the bullies decided to just shun me and remove me from existence and somehow convince everyone to do the same. I think it’s because of that experience of being ignored that I got into reading a lot of English literature(and eventually discovering this site). I moved to the big city with my parents when I still was in school; and well I sort of got integrated into the ‘high class society’ pretty easily, plus it was good to start fresh and new and leave those experiences of that quaint little town’s middle school behind.
Traumas: Frostbite when I was in the 5th grade, slicing my pinky with a jackknife in the 6th grade. Then last October I walked smack into a trailer hitch with my right shin; the resulting scar looks like I was shot, and will probably be there a while.
Orientation: North. I live in Upstate New York.
Disorders At This Time: Well, my car is making an intermittent noise. Otherwise everything else seems to be in working order.
However, I strongly suspect...
I'm the first person ever in my school, at least, to get my toe smashed and smooshed while playing table tennis. This is also the first injury ever in school history as a result of table tennis.
The inside of my shoe went completely red and I only realised halfway through the period.
Read that as you were first person in your school to get sodomized while playing table tennis.
I'd imagine the table makes a nice, sturdy platform for a bit of sodomy. ^_^
Hell, Malk's tales of his real life degeneracy says that is incorrect
There was a kid that got raped in the boarding house a while back, but I was in no way part of that :)
The smiley face at the end of your rape story is very CYStian.
Note: this is really long but I promise I typed this all myself and this is not fabricated/a copypasta.
Wow. I feel sheltered/privileged. I have only read (not seen or encountered) about things as "dark" and "extreme" as the abuse or crime mentioned in this thread, so this feels very surreal to hear people recount it outside of a news article or fiction. I don't think it's just me though, abuse and crime are always called "dark"/"gritty"/"extreme" in fiction and I think most people see them as things that happen only to a small subset of people. Who knows. There probably will never be accurate statistics of how many people experienced certain things (and there can be biases, inaccurate sample size, etc.) so I guess no one will ever really know how common these things are. But most likely all people will have something really bad happen at least once in their lifetime. So, I guess eventually I'm going to experience (more extreme) violence or abuse or crime and not feel so sheltered anymore. I can then better relate to everyone in this thread. So...yay I guess.
Not a diagnosed disorder but I've been told and I can see myself that I talk and communicate weirdly. For example, me thinking I have to be extremely clear and complete about what I mean so as not to get across the wrong meaning (ex. using multiple adjectives like "clear and complete" when just one of them would suffice. Overclarifying things before the person I talk to even asks for clarification.) Ironically, trying to be as exact about what I mean as possible makes me even more confusing because I'm speaking so unnaturally. I've considered this might be because I lack the vocabulary to express what I mean more concisely, but I mean...I don't think so, I have spoken English my whole life and I even know some words that my friends don't know. I think my vocabulary is pretty average. However becoming more vocabularied (See. I made up a word because I don't know the actual word that expresses the same meaning) might help with my conciseness/clarity communication issue.
Another example, me thinking I have to denote things as my opinion when it's unnecessary (ex.) "I think", "I guess", "probably", "I'm not sure but", "In my opinion" ). This leads to me sounding unsure of myself, which makes me look bad/nervous. See, this actually affects me because it gives people a bad impression of me. Sometimes I spend an unnecessarily long amount of time writing formal emails because I can't figure out how to word it appropriately (I could be being overperfectionistic, but I think the main problem is my weird communication habits.) and usually in the end I still end up with some awkward phrasing/sentences.
Also, when I talk or write I can come out very disorganized and ramble and forget the point of what I was saying and repeat myself a lot. I've been like this since I was young, I think it's deeply ingrained. In my opinion, it's a very noticeable flaw but very complicated and difficult to change.
The worst traumas I have had are being hit by my parents and being socially isolated in elementary school. My parents, yeah, just sometimes getting mad at me and hitting me because I did something wrong or pissed them off a lot, and they didn't see hitting as wrong because that's what their parents did, and they seemingly didn't know how else to deal with it. Although I'm not really sure what effect that had on me other than making me afraid to get hit.
For being socially isolated, there were 1-2 years where I had no friends of my own and spent every recess and lunch just walking around the school/playground area. Before that, I used to play games with 5 or 6 others I barely knew, but we all got split up into different classes and I think one year I just happened to be placed in a class without any of them or any other of my acquaintances, and I had no idea about (didn't even think about) trying to make friends with my new classmates. I would come out of the classroom at break but I didn't have anyone that would come out with me, and I didn't even think about trying to join another group (inserting myself into another group would have been difficult and awkward too) so I basically just started spending my time alone. I never thought of myself as shy or socially anxious or the weird kid before that time, but in those years I basically learned I was like that. In fact one of my teachers even tried to get me and some other kids to do a social cues workshop. I didn't go but I wish I did.
After those years, I moved to a new elementary school and had some friends for the first few weeks. I don't remember how I stopped hanging out with them, but as the new kid my first friends were these 2 people that were already really close and had been each other's best friend for the last few years, so I couldn't really mesh with them because they were too close friends and I was awkward. I think I got the feeling they didn't want me around so I stopped trying to hang out with them. Basically there were a lot of people I was acquaintances with and sometimes talked with, but no one who I could regularly hang out with at lunch. I mean, I probably could have, but all the times it was so unnatural and difficult trying to integrate into already-formed friend groups (both because no one was trying to include me and because I was bad at socializing/communicating myself) that I either didn't try or tried to join a group a few times before giving up because it wasn't working. I repeatedly tried to join a pair of friends (different from my first friends. This pair was two BFFs again but we had talked together a bunch before so I thought they were my friends too.) and I couldn't understand why they seemed to not want to talk to me (acted uncomfortable whenever I tried to join them.) At least one time they outright asked me to go away, I said I don't have any other friends so that's why I'm here, I don't remember how they replied to me but it pretty much ended in me refusing to leave and them physically running away from me.) , because we had talked together before. At first I told myself they maybe just preferred to have one-on-one conversations, but eventually I thought "No way, that's bullshit" and came to the conclusion that they didn't like me as a person. Although I had suspected as much before, it obviously really made me feel bad when I fully realized that there was a problem with me, myself, rather than the circumstances. Like, I went through the cycle of, "I don't know what is wrong with me...well now I do know what is wrong with me but I don't know what to do about it, I tried doing some things but they're not working, maybe it's actually impossible, I fucking hate this"
So, again, for 2 years, I basically spent every break by myself. During that time, I really felt like I was on the outside looking in, or watching my classmates like they were characters in a movie and I was the audience (since there were days where I wouldn't interact with anyone since I wasn't trying to and they weren't trying to). I unintentionally eavesdropped on people's conversations all the time (since they were talking to each other but I wasn't talking to anyone and had nothing else to focus on), it was kind of like I felt like I knew them and their personality and things about them (because I heard them talking all the time) and who they hung out with and exactly which spots they hung out at during break (I would often look at the groups hanging out at break and try to mentally push myself to go up to them and join. but of course I was afraid and for good reason.) but they barely knew me except as a shy/weird/awkward kid (because I didn't talk much). Several times in my head, I have entertained the idea of writing a book or making a game (no I will not make a storygame about this) about my experience because I wanted/want people to understand how I was feeling and how I tried to make friends and be social but stayed isolated because of my own awkwardness and people not wanting to include me. In fact, I got the idea to make it into a game because during this time I thought of socializing as an impossible game. I could go up to people I knew and try to make conversation with them, but no matter what I did it would always be awkward and we would never click, and ultimately it was impossible for me to get out of my situation of having no friends. Well, I had acquaintances and people I might consider friends, just no one who I could hang out regularly with at break. And since I was alone most breaks, I thought, "well if they aren't going to talk to me at lunch and just leave me to wander around the school alone, then they're not really my friend." (they would be busy hanging out with their other friends and it would be too difficult to insert myself into the conversation. and basically I never was able to get someone who I regularly hung out with.) From my perspective I was trying really hard but it was impossible.
It would have been like that for the next few years, in high school, too. except at one point I happened to meet some people who actively tried to make friends with me. Through some coincidental events and some shared classes, I joined their circle of friends/breaktime buddies and then suddenly I had friends. Although, it wasn't like I smoothly integrated into their group exactly. It was more like I never felt I was unwelcome enough to stop hanging out with them, so I kept talking with them everyday and eventually I became a part of their group. It was honestly a huge coincidence though, and even after that I didn't really become better at socializing. My social awkwardness and communication problems just became a lot more obvious to me.
TL;DR for my social isolation. Basically had no one to hang out with at break for 4 years straight. I didn't know how to make friends/join groups and often cried in self-pity/rejection pain/idk basically crying because I had no friends and felt alienated and no one cared about me and I didn't know what to do.
So I suppose I have had some life suffering already, but it was probably nothing compared to what will come in the future. So...full speed ahead on the life suffering choo choo train (my best attempt to close this)
Disorders: I am Scottish and a complete fucktard at mostly everything especially writing
Traumas: nothing too severe really. but to play along I will name a couple.
1. Almost kidnapped.
2. Brother died when I was about 10is, which led me into tinfoil hat land for a couple of years, still haven't fully recovered from that shitshow.
3. My mom seems to believe I was abused by my father and his friend one day, conveniently I can't remember anything from that time. The only thing I can remember about the friend is that the guy had a weird vibe and stank like a swamp.
4. I deal with crazy shit too often in my area, including crazy naked guys running wild, Crazy women attacking my parents and me, junkies always doing their usual threats or whatever.
5. My mother tried to kill herself with me years ago when she was full on crazy, She insists, she wasn't actually going to but that's BS. Her reasoning was my father was a manipulative shit, which is true and he was a women beater, I can remember a couple of occasions of it.
There are probably some others but my memory of the years before age 11 are blurry for whatever reason. Probably some extra trauma which resulted in memory loss.
My life hasn't been the best but it could certainly be worse. If I remember anything I will probably post it here. I don't know why I did this.
Edit 1. I was also a cruel shit as a child, For example, I stabbed another child with a pencil because he got on my bad side.
Nah, you're not an incel.
Nationality: Floridian (Nuff said)
Disorders: Possibly depression, tons of trust issues, high functioning ADHD, and being literally inbred
Growing up was normal from the most apart aside from my parents being a poly relationship that eventually burned down leaving 5 kids tied to a different horse racing to 3 different dooms. Mother #1 used to be emotionally abusive and a bully. Took her own regrets and short comings out on me, punished me because I dared be a boy going through puberty and wanted to read all day instead of doing whatever she wanted to do. Spent a lot of time bonding with Mother #2 because she actually seemed to respect me and did shit with me but when their relationship fell apart she did layers of shitty things that leaves me with deeply imbedded trust issues and fears of abandonment. My dad is probably the best and worse person in this thing as he let his relationships fall apart by being a manslut and let mother #1 rip me away from him because he thought it was best for me. Ever since, he's been constantly making up for it despite me not seeing why he has to until it clicked recently. He's given me a job, a place to live, tons of opportunities and I'm extremely grateful. Mother #1 is still kinda a loose cannon but as calmed down a lot. Her and my dad settled things peacefully for the most part. Mom #2 accused my brother of molesting my little sister a couple months ago so any love I had for her is gone with the wind. Joining the military in about a year, going to a military academy for the next five months. Things are looking up.