Compiled some comments to consider featuring, in storygames that didn't have any featured ones yet.
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What Triumph Looks Like - Featured Comment
-Link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/what-triumph-looks-like
-User who made comment: Steve24833
-Comment to consider featuring:
It was interesting. I was disappointed that the story wasn't really complete, and was more of just an extended preview. Also, I thought there was a weird focus on eye color which really wasn't a big part of Nazi ideology and seemed out of place. It seemed like the protagonist thought that Nazism would continue long after, even though they'd achieved their goal and they no longer needed a scapegoat, so it was weird.
As well as this, the protagonist seemed eerily jaded towards Nazism, even though he would've grown up at the height of an empire and been subjected to propganda all his life, so I don't really understand why he's not a loyal Nazi.
I loved the interesting take on alternative history, with Hitler being killed in an obvious coup by Himmler, and the new world it created.
The grammer and such was superb, as well.
All in all, quite a good and interesting story, although there were a few plotholes and such, but well done.
-- Steve24833 on 6/19/2016 7:23:07 PM
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Long Gone - Featured Comment
-Link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/long-gone
-User who made comment: LeoScales7
-Comment to consider featuring:
I have to give this a 2/8 for many reasons (though there are some-though limited-decent portions of the story).
For starters, this is either a plagiarized or shorter version of a long way gone by Ishmael Baeh (so yes, I have read the book). If that is the case, or this story is inspired by it, then it should be a fan fiction, not modern adventure.
In that regard, there is a fair amount of detail per page (you do not need to write fifty paragraphs to have decent amounts of content), but the main issue is that the overall story itself is not detailed enough; you create detailed individual scenes, but then have the choices and leave major gaps in story and time. If you watch anime, you pretty executed a "Sword Art Online."
There is that, and then there is the over abundance of death pages/endings. I am aware of the fact that Baeh's book is not light on dark content, but the way in which you used them was too overt and unnecessary.
If you choose to improve the story, just keep these things in mind and (possibly) move it to fan fiction. Also, for anybody reading this comment, read the story mentioned earlier in this post; it's pretty good.
-- LeoScales7 on 2/5/2015 9:26:09 AM
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Long Gone - Featured Comment
-Link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/long-gone
-User who made comment: Will11
-Comment to consider featuring:
Ok. Kudos for writing a story-game about something original and exciting with a good writing style. The main downside for me is that it was too brief; as an example I will use the first sentence which is "You are staying at the village of Mattru Jong in Sierra Leone with your group of friends when members of the Revolutionary United Front (RUF) rebels attack.".
My questions mainly are who am I? Do I live in the village? Do I have connections with the RUF? Later I learn that I have a family in the village, who are they? What are my personal opinions on anything in this story because all I am going on is my knowledge of the film Blood Diamond.
You need to flesh this out. It's an exciting prospect but you can't just drop a Westerner in the deep end where hostile African politics resorts to violence without more explanation. This is a good start but the reader's character needs background or all of our understanding comes from popular culture, which is mainly popular because it simplifies complex issues.
Excellent idea but needs development :)
-- Will11 on 2/5/2015 11:52:34 AM
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Pirates of Ocracoke - Featured Comment
-Link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/Pirates-of-Ocracoke
-User who made comment: Swiftstryker
-Comment to consider featuring:
Alright, you don't want to tell EVERYTHING in the story description, but just a rough idea of how the story is going to go. You don't want to ruin the ending for the readers by giving out the whole plot.
You might want to correct a few words and tense conflicts between sentences on your first few pages.
Also, don't title your choices by their consequences, but by their actions. You aren't going to hold your readers in thrilling suspense if they get to choose the endings based on how they want it.
You did well for the first pages, but please do try to persevere and spend more time on the later pages, as the detail and effort seems to have lessened as I go farther on in the story.
You've got potential. I'd like to see you go farther with this story though ;)
-- Swiftstryker on 2/6/2014 1:35:40 AM
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Johnny Castaway - Featured Comment
-Link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/johnny-castaway
-User who made comment: gamehacker611
-Note: Split 50/50 on whether the comment should be featured or not. When people stumble upon it and play it still, I thought it was an interesting personal note from the author 9 years later.
-Comment to consider featuring:
So, Because people are actually like, *still* playing this game almost 9 years after I made it, I'll give a bit of background on this thing~
I found this site when I was 12, and at the time, was obsessed with this screensaver from my childhood. So I did what 12 year olds do, and decided that I *must* participate in this game making community, so I *very quickly* put this one together!
Yes, it's horrible. I'm aware. Believe me, I am aware. But I was 12, and damn it, I was proud of this crappy little game.
I'm 21 now, and my co-workers and I decided to google our old usernames. Found this, and cringed. So yeah.
Y'all have a good one!
-- gamehacker611 on 11/6/2013 10:40:54 AM with a score of 550
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A Sonic Story (Prologue) - Featured Comment
-Link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/a-sonic-story-(prologue)
-User who made comment: Kiel_Farren
-Comment to consider featuring:
As someone who wrote Sonic fanfiction as a kid (not a sentence I type with one shred of pride) this is still a bit of a disappointment, even with the low standards I set for it before reading.
Why? Well, frankly, it's not creative. I don't expect a literary masterpiece by a long shot, but the whole point of fanfiction is re-imagining a pre-established world / its characters. Creativity is the most important element here. I can't see one thing, not -one- element that suggests you wanted to give something to this universe that it did not have before. I've read very good, detailed, lovingly written fanfiction before, stuff that made me respect the genre, and this wasn't it.
And Silver ... out of all the characters, besides Sonic, to make a focus, why Silver? Maybe this is a personal thing, I never found him that interesting.
And, to be frank, it's not helping his case that carrying out this plan creates a logical paradox which honestly makes it physically impossible. Think about it. If Silver is from the future, and destroys the past world to save his present, the time-line will be ruined. If the world of the past is destroyed, the world of the future will never exist because Earth will already have been irreparably damaged.
In all likelihood, Silver will never have a chance to even be born--so he can't go back in time to take the Emerald in the first place anyway, meaning none of this will have happened because it can't happen without undoing itself. :P It's an unstable time loop.
Alternatively, if the world lasts long enough to let Silver time travel, the only thing Silver will accomplish is making the past just as miserable as the present and speeding up earth's destruction. Time travel is a poorly handled subject in general, though. So, setting those issues to the side ...
The pages were close to bare, you didn't even try to immerse the reader in this world, the endings weren't well explained, the one death was random and ridiculous, (though ... I suppose that part IS accurate to the games :P) and it's just sorta bland.
I'm not trying to be harsh, I know it's your first game. It's quite honestly not awful for a first time, my first fanfiction was a total disaster, but there's a reason you got a low rating. It's simply not a good story.
If you're going to do Sonic as a story, I'd focus on either the golden years of the SAT AM show (the one where Robotnik controls the world and Sonic is part of a small band of forest-dwelling freedom fighters) or the Sonic Adventure series, the one with Chaos where Shadow made his first appearance. Those are the points of his history where fans generally agree that the creators were making an effort story-wise and hadn't jumped the shark before setting the tank on fire. >_> (Like encouraging bestiality.)
STT, the reviewer below me, is right. You have potential, but I'd study up on the works of more experienced writers and try for a more original approach. Good luck.
-- Kiel_Farren on 9/9/2015 7:34:57 PM
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Choose your own fairytale: Snow White - Featured Comment
-Link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/choose-your-own-fairytale~3a-snow-white
-User who made comment: Romulus
-Comment to consider featuring:
I really like the idea of Choose-your-own fairy tales and I'm convinced that such an idea could produce great storygames. However, your story wasn't exact;y the fairest of them all.
Somehow, your story just doesn't feel finished. Although some pages are decently written and have quite the amount of text on them, most pages in your story have no more than two-three sentences. As a result of this they also seem kinda random. Since you do not write much descriptions, thoughts, etc. on the pages I, as the reader, can't really imagine what my character is feeling, doing, etc. This results in some, in my opinion, unrealistic behavior like: 'Oh no, Snow White has been murdered. Oh wait, while I'm strangling the guy who supposedly did it he denies everything so I guess everything's all right and I can go enjoy the wedding of a woman I (supposedly) kinda hate. Yaaaay.' (I am , of course, paraphrasing there.)
To be quite honest, this game is not a CYS game. A choose-your-own adventure game implies that the choices of the reader have an impact on how the story is going to end, but in your story there is only one ending, no matter the choices I make.
I'm also kinda disappointed that your story stops quite abruptly without portraying the rest of the Snow White story. I mean, I haven't read it in a long time, but I can definitely remember more stuff happening besides the supposed murder of Snow White.
Like said before, I really like the idea of Choose-your-own fairy tales, but I don't exactly like this story. I'd advice you to take more time to write your stories and write more text on each page to give the reader a sense of what is going on. I'd furthermore advice you to look trough the edutainment category of storygames as some quite decent fairy tale storygames can be found there.
Because of the above mentioned things, I have rated this game a 2/8, but I am sure that you'll write better stories in the future!
Good luck writing!
-- Romulus on 7/5/2014 11:00:44 AM
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The 28th Hunger Games (improved) - Featured Comment
-Link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-28th-hunger-games-(improved)
-User who made comment: NeverBees
-Comment to consider featuring:
Most of the choices didn't make sense. The district six guy killed me with a sandwich? It would have improved the gameplay if you gave some more background to the choices. For example, with the train's humming, it would be helpful if more of a reaction sparked. Did the mentor look confused or knowledgeable? What were they driving by- could one tell that it was a hunger-gamesy environment? Did he see the other people? I assumed at first it would be the engine breaking, and if the train were still moving I would probably die. Just saying, the train is pretty fast in the books. Also, the capitol wouldn't start a game without the training stuff. I know that's boring to write and read, but come on.
Also, plotholes. This wasn't such a bad story, but a bad fan fiction. I'll list a few little errors-
- the train would have been MUCH fancier, either there would be more food and water and good stuff or it would be pretty obvious what was happening
- I searched the train and found the district six guy. And he already had set up traps that I didn't run into while walking in? (Also, please answer me- HOW. DID. HE. KILL. ME. WITH. A. SANDWICH.)
- There's a dome for the hunger games. I'm being a little nitpicky, but I could either run out of this mess or the train is magic.
And many more.
You might be on to something, I like the idea and how there were always choices when practical. However, it still needs improvement.
-- NeverBees on 8/1/2015 2:24:43 AM with a score of 0
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The 28th Hunger Games (improved) - Featured Comment
-Link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-28th-hunger-games-(improved)
-User who made comment: MonkeyGirl18
-Note: Since this is a fan fiction game, I felt they offered good insight into some inaccuracies in the plot, in comparison to the source material. Tone was a little harsh, but it offers useful feedback.
-Comment to consider featuring:
So many things wrong with this that it seems like it's just a mockery of the Hunger Games. Not only was getting killed by a sandwich dumb, you don't die of sleep deprivation after 1 day. "You didn't think that would happen after all of that physical activity" that's called dying from exhaustion. A person dies of sleep deprivation after about 11 days of no sleep, which is usually longer than the traditional Hunger Games.
Considering Hunger Games take place in a dystopian era after North America was flooded (I think? Haven't read the books in a while), nothing of the past survived, that means no Pokemon so that wouldn't be possible.
The Hunger Games would never take place outside of the Cornucupia, if they were outside, the tributes would be running for home. And the wealth of the Capitol is too great for the train to easily crash like that. The Capitol's advanced technology is so great, they more than likely created a train that can never derail and/or crash.
Also about the Cornucupia thing, where's Snow? One thing is that, in the actual Cornucupia, they have speakers so that Snow or the game maker (I honestly haven't read it in a while so I don't remember which) can say things through a mic so the tributes can listen and the game maker or Snow wouldn't have to be in there with them because he doesn't want to get hurt, no. They also want as much control over the terrain as possible so if they want to hurry things up or turn a tribute around, they can. That of which they can't do outside of the Cornucupia.
With the sandwich thing, did he force it down my throat and caused me to choke to death? Was he giving me a poisoned sandwich? How exactly did he kill me with a sandwich? Why was he carrying a sandwich to begin with? Tributes would use reliable weapons to take down the others, not a sandwich. If they had a sandwich, they wouldn't let it go for dear life. They have to find their own food and they're not going to exactly waste their food and let themselves starve. Unless it's poisonberries. A little more accuracy with the Hunger Games logic would make this story so much better, but right now, I just see this as a joke and not anything serious.
-- MonkeyGirl18 on 9/8/2015 11:21:03 PM with a score of 0
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Morning Madness - Featured Comment
-Link: http://chooseyourstory.com/story/morning-madness
-User who made comment: AllThatIsGold
-Comment to consider featuring:
There are some things that can definitely be fixed here.
It's short. I understand that this is supposed to be just the morning, but it is short. Now, on the other hand, if you turned Morning Madness into Monday Madness, then you could at least have a whole day instead of about four choices.
It lacks detail. I want to know more about me. I want to know more about my crush. I want to know more about the school! All of those things would be great detail to put in.
There seems to be no good endings. Apparently what music you listen to influences your mood and therefore what you will say/do to the girl. That's a little questionable, but if you want to go with that then sure, I'll go with it. But it seems that no matter what, you get a bad ending. Maybe there is a good ending and I just didn't find it, but here's a hint: no one likes a storygame where you can't get a good ending.
-- AllThatIsGold on 1/10/2016 12:49:51 PM
