Player Comments on HOW NOT TO WRITE- A Pokemon Adventure - Part 1 - Chapter I - Section A: The Beginning of the Start

I’m gonna go through all of the rules written in this storygame. Before I do, I’ll just note that I’m not gonna make the criticism of ‘some of these are so obvious though,’ because I’ve seen plenty of storygames on this very site that violate even the most basic of the rules written here.

•Rule 1
Yeah, I think this is probably one of the biggest noob story killers on the entire site. There’s been so many painfully short ‘part 1’ storygames that (rightfully) get axed because of low ratings. I have to figure there’s been at least a handful, even a small one, of noobs that might have written something more complete if they’d been aware that that was the expectation at first.

•Rule 1.5
I’ll go ahead and forward this one to literally every recipe blog/website on the entire internet.

•Rule 2
What the heck is a Plagarize? I must have missed that Pokemon…
In all seriousness, yeah, plagiarism sucks, a road that must be avoided at all costs. Right off the bat, one of those ones you have to figure should be common sense, but you can really never be too sure.

•Rule 3
You’re really good at making spelling mistakes, wow, I was barely able to decipher that. Glory to the magic that is proofreading!

•Rule 4
Rats, I was worried this story would include something I myself am guilty of. Tenses can be a struggle if you’re really used to writing a certain way, I’m constantly having to restructure entire pages because I slipped into the wrong one somewhere. Once again, this is why the good lord invented proofreading.

•Rule 5
Detail and descriptions are key for any sort of reader immersion. The poor noobs with a triple-digit word count on their first storygames are gonna need this one.

•Rule 6
This one really depends on the tone of your story. Sexualizing a character IS pretty creepy in this context, what with Pokemon being a family-friendly children’s franchise.

•Rule 7
It can be a little obnoxious when it’s obvious that a person is just using swearing to try and add a layer of artificial edginess to their storygame. Some authors can pull it off, the key with this one is to not let it feel cringeworthy and forced, which can be hard to do.

•Rule 8
I tend to look down on fake choices a bit, but they’re not always terrible. I just need them to have a point to them, otherwise, it’s just a paper-thin way of including links without including choices.

•Rule 9
Most commonly found in the lolrandom genre, yes. The joke is that the option was so stupid it worked/so stupid it failed, you the reader are stupid for picking it!

•Rule 10
This is only a SLIGHTLY smaller offense than the horror that was the Rule 3 page, Will. This is just another reason to proofread, read an article on how to write properly, graduate the second grade, ANYTHING!

•Rule 11
This is my favorite page in the storygame and it’s not close. Run-ons are super jarring, but luckily an easy fix. Just toss in a sentence stopper and a capital letter and you’re good to go.

•Rule 12
Where was this spirit on the Rule 5 page, huh?!
It is important to find a good balance between too many words and not enough words. Generally, I think one can read some of the featured stories to get a good idea of what the ideal amount of words per page is.

•Rule 13
Inexcusable and oftentimes makes a storygame an instant 1/8 (same with broken links). The only instance in which dead ends are acceptable is if the reader is meant to use an item to progress- a rarity, mind you.

•Rule 14
One of the few things in this storygame I actually disagree with. Yes, in this instance, the genre change is really jarring, but I personally love a well-executed tonal shift!
“Don't switch genres halfway through your story or the reader will assume you are on some sort of medication.”
…you say that like it’s such a bad thing!

•Rule 15
I feel like there’s a pretty big overlap between repetition like this and the run-on sentence rule from Rule 11. I’m convinced anyone who actually writes this way is trying to inflate their word count.

•Rule 16
This is an amusing one, I’d say it’s a rarity to actually see something like this pop up in the wild. But yes, if you don’t know what a word means, maybe use the magic that is Google before writing it down. And if I ever see anyone use the word idiosyncratic in a storygame again I will rate it a 1.

•Rule 17
I always dislike it when a good bit of writing is followed by a super abrupt ending. I get it though, sometimes it can be hard to find a good way to end a scene and it’s just easier to go ‘later on things are done and it’s time to continue.’ It’s a necessary thing to avoid, otherwise, a writer will always end up with jarring scenes.

•Rule 18
To be fair, Daisy WAS pretty boring on the Rule 6 page too…

•Rule 19
Characters having personality is extremely crucial, though this one probably isn’t THAT necessary for side characters as minor as Bill, Will, and Phil here. If I encounter three guys in a storygame with rhyming names, I kind of expect them to all be the same person anyway.

•Rule 20
Absolutely. Attacking ‘haters’ and pre-emptively dismissing critique is a good way to garner even harsher critique. I am 98% confident that anyone leaving you feedback is not there to attack you because they have a personal agenda against you. Those ‘haters’ are going to help you get better and write something you can be really proud of- but only if you’re willing to listen.

Now, respectfully, I’m going to add a rule of my own.
•Rule 21
Don’t tackle Pokemon as your first story, seriously. I get it, it’s a franchise beloved by children and so children will want to write about it. But creating a Pokemon story sounds like a miserable and dead-on-arrival experience that I would only trust the likes of BerkaZerka to pull off. Most of the appeal of the franchise is the fact that you assemble a team of six creatures from hundreds and hundreds of options. Unless you plan on doing some REALLY advanced scripting, I just don’t think it can be done well.

Ok, rant finished. This is a really nice stack of bad writing examples you’ve got here Will, a good way to help newbies in a lighthearted manner. Thanks for throwing the first-timers a bone with this one, and well done.

Now this is going to be a challenge. How do you review a story that’s written intentionally to highlight all the bad things that are done in a story? Perhaps I can just point out all the classic and good things that this story adds to the site? Anyway, this is certainly a story that should be read by just about anyone who wants to write a story here at CYS. And yes, that intro and rule 1 and 1.5 are great. And the title slapped all the way across that Play button? Good stuff, right there.

I like the stuff on the page for rule 2. Indeed, those underlines are not often a problem in stories these days. Most people understand you shouldn’t underline unless it’s a link. And if someone does copy and paste, often those links even stay intact in some cases! But wait, there’s actually two choices on the first page? Good readers, that is a good thing to do!

Oh, the tenses (Rule 4). Indeed, this is an area where many people struggle, and I do as well. My best suggestion for budding authors is to focus on this area specifically when editing your writing. Read through and focus just on your tense to see if it is all consistent. And the description details? Indeed, I think this might be the one area that can use the most work on CYS stories. Authors (including myself) really need to work to attempt to immerse the reader in the story. The reader really needs to see and feel like they are there, not just be told they’re in Pallet Town (sounds like a nice place).

I do like this little adventure. It is fun and it really does point out a very large number of the most common errors – or things that just don’t work well – here at CYS. So thank you for sharing this one with us, and if anyone else decides write a story here and obey the rules outlined in this story, you will likely find some measure of success!

Excellent satire of very poor writing and storygame crafting! I enjoyed every page/rule! It's like a 10 commandments with 10 more. Can never quite give enough advice for first time writers. I remember even my own ambition with my first works; ambition can easily get the better of you.

What was done well: I am not sure if you planned it, but I love how the title is so long, it covers the sidebar! Well done! The snark is great while still showing how good your writing can actually be. You managed to map the rules well so that they flowed with your ah... 'story'. It is fitting that it can be read in one sitting.

Room for improvement: Can't think of much to put here, but I will say this -- maybe make some of your examples of what to do a bit longer. As one with experience, I can understand a rule just at face value. If a novice were reading this, I am sure they would want a thorough example, as with the rule to make characters with different names have different personalities. I would have liked to see a little more there. It came out looking more redundant than it did hive-minded as you had intended. I could also just be nit-picking.

Overall: Great work and great advice. Now I wish I had made a HOW TO NOT WRITE a comment. Oh well.

It great

I love sarcasm, so this is hilarious. A lot of fanworks and original works seem to do a whole lot of these things, especially long descriptions. Even im guily of writing like that.

Thanks for pointing these errors, i love the Pokemon type spin on that!
:)

8/8
Certainly brings you enlightenment in how to write well

You're so bad, you might as well be the next JK Rowling.

This was the most hilarious thing I’ve read in awhile

Honestly this is actually really good advice presented in an .entertaining way

Lack of good writing, but that's the point as it is supposed to show how NOT to write stories. If the writing was good, it would not do its job.

problem with branching
jk fun

How not to write a comment

Rule 1: 1 word comments
bruh

Rule 2: one wall of text
First of all, I want to say this story is amazing, it perfectly lists out all the things you shouldn’t do in a story game, such as writing comments like this one after reading it. There were plenty of faults though, such as the author being too amazing an accurate to legally exist on earth, and the choices being so ridiculous I almost wet myself. Overall I would really like to read this story a bajillion more times 24/7. If you are actually reading this rethink your life.

Rule 3: no spelling or punctuation or capitalisation
good story lol gj

Rule 4: no constructive feedback (pretty much all the comments above and this one)
Wow this is so cool! I love this so much! Some parts were trash though so boo.

Feel free to suggest more. Really bad comments are bad in the same way more or less.

I agree with the last sentence of the second paragraph

it was perfect

Too many curses - too vulgar and too sexual. Lack of good grammar

I love the fact that eevee has an asthma attack

Easy

Well I'd say that I learned at least one thing and that's surely a good thing.

boring. not fun.

no

Nice guide on how NOT to write. Rules with examples of opposites. Also pretty fun

Rule 14 cracked me up.

absolutely loved this, its very fun to read and does exactly what is says in the tin

HOW NOT TO WRITE A COMMENT-
thx 4 ritimg dis it gud mad me fuk ur mom thxxxxxxxx
-from a unregistered Tard

I loved this game. It did what it set out to do: Show me how not to write a story.
Some of the "rules" are quite obvious, while one or two are things I am quite guilty of, and will take to heart in any future writing endeavors.
I also have a soft spot for "meta" stories like this so this was an easy story to r8.

Let’s be honest, He was intending to make a sorry story that’s not exactly good.







He succeeded.

very funny, 10/10

I wish I read this sooner. This is literally such a useful tool for those starting out writing a CYOA. I love how it was set up. There was even a good flow of story, as it went over all the rules of what not to do. I know this is something I'll actually apply to my writing.

The topic is memorable and makes me feel nostalgic. That alone is something to help me remember the lessons contained here. Great job. Like many of the other comments, 100% a must read before publishing your first storygame.

Haha, found it when scrolling through the old articles. Will, great job with showcasing some basic writing tips in a very entertaining way!

we loved it

I cannot remember the last time a storygame made me chuckle. Thanks for a good laugh

A pretty concise example of "how not to write" that even has a plot and some humor. There's nothing else I can really say about it, because it's not a real story. If you want 20 minutes worth of varied writing advice, this isn't a bad way to get it.

Wow, this is just like the writing of JK rolling. I like pokemon too. This is like if she wrote pokemon. That would be perfect. This story is perfect and has no flaws.

this was pretty cool,
i think that this would definently help someone in the future

not bad

Wtf is this game?

noice

A interesting read, it contains some pretty useful information for new writers especially for cyoa storys.

Helpful. Funny. Fresh.
Never have I ever had this much fun reading a trash story.
Must read for noobs.

This is by far the worst storygame on the website. The author plagiarizes and has obviously not proofread any of his work. The writing is dull at times and creepily descriptive at others. None of the choices impact the story; some are extremely illogical, and others lead to dead ends. All of the characters have pretty much no personality except Gary. The amount of errors made it feel like the author was messing up on purpose.
To summarize: don't read this. I gave it a six because I'm a nice person, but don't read this anyway.

Love it, it is like porn for new authors

Title length causes play button to violate page margin

10/10

Seriously though, that was painful. The strange elaborate detail, the uncomfortableness that is the girl next door, the hardcore railroading, the needless gore, the ABSOLUTE BOREDOM.

Which was the point, so great job?

Jk-Rowling I choose you!

An expertly crafted piece of art and literature. I can see the homages to not only JK Rowling, with your fine use of sentences, but also to George R.R Martin, with your use of punctuation, and Tolkien in your use of fantasy. 10/8 would give eevee a heart attack again

This story offers a series of incredibly painful-to-read vignettes meant to illustrate the worst blunders of storygame writing.

It's all there, compactly written, and very amusing--illustrations of how to avoid basic microlevel errors (use capital letters), errors of narrative flow (avoid dead ends); and just plain good writerly advice (maintain consistent tense and characters).

What I thought was especially clever about this game is that although it was exaggerated for teaching purposes, it wasn't *that* exaggerated. I've certainly seen all of these--many times--here. The narrative was appropriately awful, while the "lesson" offered in the title of each page was clear and concisely expressed. This game should be required reading before anyone publishes their first storygame here.

Can't wait for the sequel!

10/10 IGN

There were a number of spelling/grammar mistakes scattered around the story that I don't _think_ were put there on purpose, which detracted a bit from the effort as a whole.

it was a game!
12/10 very hard and long

That:s pretty good! If you read Harry Potter often that would be why you use her style. I tend to use warrior cat styles (if you haven't read it you have too. The series is called warriors) because I read that lots.

THAT WAS HILARIOUS I DIED LAUGHING AT THE NURSE JOY SCENE

Wow, I really liked this. You've managed to point out so many common mistakes that writers make.
You know when writers make useless items? That could be included too, I guess.
Really a great help to writers on this site too.

Super helpful. Thanks!

This is so true. I always find these writing styles everywhere! Thanks for making it easy for anyone to understand that there are rules for writing and that criticism is helpful! Great work! :)

DUDE 4/20!!!! Gary SWARES SOOOOOO MUCH!! THIS DOSENT FALOW THE FIRST EP. DONT MAKE ANY MORE PARTS!!!!!

Okay, WHAT THE ACTUAL (cencored)!!!

FUNNY MAKE MORE PLEASE

Entertaining and helpful tips for new writers

Will be revisiting often, hilarious and helpful.

"So just to recap, no hating and only nice comments please, any comparisons between me and JK Rowling will be especially appreciated because as my mother pointed out there are a lot of similarities between my writing style and hers (we both use words and sentences for instance)."

LMFAO

P.S. I think Will11 and J.K. Rowling are the same person!!!1!1

Very helpful for someone wants to write a story. Good job!

So. Goddam. Funny.

This was the funniest thing I have read for a long time - the pages with rules 14, 16, 18 literally killed me!

Brilliant idea. This really helped me improve my own Pokémon game, and so thank you for that.

This was horrible, I am gonna hate on you because you told me not to. You suck big boobs on characters are amazing. This is all lies. I lied I gave this an 8.

Best game ever! The grammar was so amazing, and the spelling was absolutely the best I've seen on this site! Bravo! 100/10! I'm certainly not being sarcastic!

WAT. THE. WAT. This is so random! 6/8

Thanks for this opportunity to mentally log just about everything I need to fix iny stories. Great Job!

The perfect example of what not to do on this site. Thank you very much for making this both beautiful and painful to read.

Wow

First time on this website-- your story made me chuckle

Entertaining, and also a clever teaching tool, well done!

A masterpiece.

But...why?

And to think my depression issues were going well before I read this...

6/8

Haha great read. Just play it right now. Its short and fun. Totally worth your time.

This is every bit as beautifully cretinous as I was hoping for. In fact, I think I actually caught a few diseases just reading the story.

One of the biggest problems, I feel, was that it needed proof-reading a few more times.

All jokes aside, the story was brilliantly thought out, played nicely with tropes and aspects of the early Pokemon game plots (which pretty much everyone know), and addresses every pet hate I have about crappy stories on this site. The tense changing page was emotionally and physically difficult to get through.

Really great humour and a solid 6/8.

As you humans say, LOL. This definitely taught me how not to write, and was simultaneously entertaining.

Thank you im all ready to start a new and first storygame,thanks

YASsss! POKEMAN! I LOVE THIS! SUPER HELPFUL AND IT WAS AWWESOMEEE!! I'M A WEAIBO AND A FURRY AND IM PROUD OF IT!!!!!!!!

Now this is what I call entertaining! It's a really clever way of teaching how to write, or rather, how not to write. Loved it!

I hated the cliffhanger, but all the lessons that you were trying to teach (especially about not leaving cliffhangers) were very valuable ones.

Quite useful to the new users who are looking to write a great story one day, or even just a small one that probably won't get much attention.

lol this is really funny

Even better than the original writing for Pokemon.

brilliant. just brilliant.

Helpful for avoiding the obvious mistakes and acts as a reminder to any starting out. Does so in a comical fashion which is a nice touch. Anything beyond that you should look elsewhere.

This was amazing! Informal and entertaining, thanks so much!

Funny, interesting, and it has pokemon in it!

Absolutely brilliant, mate. 8/8

Well, I could be the asshole and actually review the clearly satirical storygame point for point just to get another free point or I could just simply agree that this game is one of the most informative and funny storygames I have seen and that's a combo people rarely are able to achieve to such a degree.

Well, though I think by this point everybody knows that both Will11 is a great writer and that he writes amazing pieces of literature, but please, allow me to praise him once again.

Will, good job for yet another amazing piece of writing! And now, what sort of review would this be without me at least sharing the score of the game(as annoying as that might be to some) with the other potential readers. I rate this a 6/8!

Spot farking on...

I already read this quite a long time ago, but that was when I was a newlyborn idiotic reader with no clue how to make these monoliths of amazing stories I encountered...

Well now that I am an experienced, seasoned and finally semiactive still-Reader, I will at last leave behind a rating and my comment.

This perfectly describes everything regarding bad writing. That's all there is to know. This is no story, it's an example of a story badly written.

Enlightening. 8/8.

Played it again. Still like it.

Being a novice writer this gives me a lot of insight, thank you

This was delightfully hilarious, thank you for writing this!

The greatest work of literature ever produced by mankind.

This was really funny, and my friends agreed when I showed it to them. I really appreciated seeing these common mistakes addressed in a humorous way. You really should make a second one of these, or at least one with a different theme (Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, etc.)

7/8

amazing

It gave me a good laugh, and was different than other story games. I see these common mistakes in many story games, and I hope that not only I learned something from this, but also the community so that we can better our writing as a whole.

This was a very unique story idea! Everything was nicely fit into each other and made sense. On many storygames, I would comment on how it ended abruptly, but obviously that was the whole point of yours. Nice job.

Um did you just write this just so you could be lazy and make all those mistakes?

Just kidding, this was very helpful. 6/8.

To short.
But I found it surprisingly helpful :3.

woah...

Wow. Good advice and I found this very funny.

Great tutorial! One could also get a laugh out of it.

This is my first experience on this site. At first I was like, "The heck?" But I got it soon enough. Funny!

Mind blowing.

Here's your comparison! You and JAY K Rowling are different as Sun and moon! Someday you'll show this to someone tinkling it's all great and such, and they'll kick you to the curb. 2/8, to be nice.

Real author, awsome tips that will definitely help blossoming writers! ;)

10/10 would be teached how to make a good story again

wow, this isn't a bad story at all! It's funny, you can tell that will intentionally made this sound really bad, but it shows what people do and the kind of crap that people like to write, nice story.

Haha, well the comment below is certainly a weird one :D But that reader is proving a point, if you want to destroy all respect as a writer get your family members to tell you that you are absolutely brilliant (I'm pretty sure that's not really one of my aunt's btw. All of my aunts are aged 60-80 and I'm not sure any of them actually know how to use a computer :P)

whoa sweetie this is brilliant! You sure have talent! Can't wait to read part two you writing wonder! JK Rowling better watch out!

Brilliant idea. Personally I wouldn't mind reading some more of rule 16 though ('Thank the deities, it is the esoteric Pokedex I requested post-haste!). That just cracked me up.

exactly jk rowlin

Ahhh, very nice. Reading the rules as a list would be rather boring. Reading them with a direct example to highlight it, much more effective.

Im looking forward to Part B, where you get asked what happened in the last episode, and the variables are all set to random no matter what.

Rated 8, because my (probably futile) hope is this will one day bring SOMEONE enlightenment.

I don't know how I missed this before. I was thinking of doing something similar, but now I don't have to! I may just start throwing this link at new authors, saves me the trouble of explaining for the nth time all the things they've screwed up on. Thanks for enabling my laziness, Will. :)

I loved this game/tutorial or whatever you may call it. 8/8

Seems like a very good tutorial game for beginners. Would definitely help some of the writers on the site to play this game before being allowed to publish.

It's a gimmick, but if you've been on the site for at few stories, you'll get it and agree with the message.

I loved this story! It was funny and at the same time a great guide for somone wanting to write a storygame for the first time.

Beautiful X) - This should be rated much, much higher since its both amusing and constructive!

This WILL bring certain folks enlightenment

Thanks, Will11. That was pretty clever. E and I appreciate stuff like this. :) ~ A

Yep! That was probably the fifth time I've played this one, haha. You've done the community a great service. ~ E

Pretty much a JK Rowlings book

That was brilliant- so brilliant in fact that I allegedly fell for the tags and difficulty ect. on the game's front page haha! I could play that again and again just to laugh.
~E

I really enjoyed this. It was humorous, really described many terrible works, and even taught me some stuff. All great rules for the new writers to follow, except the swearing one. I'll die before my stories don't have people cursing. Anyway, fantastic, very enjoyable story.

Best "tutorial" I have read on this website.

well, while reading this i felt an overwhelming sense of ennui coming over me, anyhow i like pokemon, so i'm rating this as a 9/8, now if you'd please excuse me, I'm off selling explosives to children;

But seriously, I did like your (I guess) tutorial on how not to write. If anyone besides Will even reads these comments before reading, I'd advise them to look at the rules at the page titles.

I also kinda have to admit that I found this story quite funny. I rated it a 5/8.

^_^

Lol. Good stuff and typical of a lot of the mistakes you tend to see in CYOA stories. The nit in me though says I have to point out that in the page you're asked to select a Pokemon that "Bulbasaur" is mis-spelled "Bulbasoar" (unless that was intentional)

You make a valid point Jason, I should clarify that with that rule I'm encouraging authors to develop their character's personalities a little more rather than just give them names but occasionally it can be quite funny to have two or more characters with the same personalities (the Dufflepods in Narnia are another example).

Thanks for all the comments everyone, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it :D

There's no problem with making characters with different names have the same personalities. It's like those two twins in Alice in Wonderland; a great source of humor in the story. In fact, I'll put some people like this in the story I'm working on, just to spite you. :)

Damn it, Will, the "Hallelujah" chorus is Handel's, not Mozart's. 1/8

Daisy truly does have the most adorable clavicles... Nice work Will.

You bitch xD god damn it that was terrible.

This was amazingly helpful, and a great example of what NOT to do when creating a storygame. Great idea Will! Thoroughly enjoyed reading through the story, and even picked up a few tips of what not to do when writing.

6/8 A helpful must-read for any new user getting into writing. The rules that started each page were perfectly done and makes its point quite clearly and in an entertaining fashion.

This story will either get featured or deleted, right now I can't tell which, but I laughed a lot!

Rule 21: Don't rate your own story 8/8 and leave comments like this saying how perfect it was or you will make people actually enjoy trashing your story. :)