Now onto game reviews! These are easy enough to find.
Anthraxus (Aphrodite's Orphan):
Interesting and strange story. Several of the endings felt very abrupt. I noticed a few off word choices, "main of hair" instead of "mane of hair" for instance, but overall the wording is smooth and pacing feels ok, other than the abrupt ends. The world-building feels somewhat lacking. Given that the setting is an alien world, one would expect more words given over to setting baselines in the world. Somethings are very nicely just worked into the flow of the story, but aspects such as Venusian (not Venereal) fungus rot or Leviathans might have been less "out of the blue" if there had been a bit more expansion on the nature of the world earlier on.
Benholman (Eternal):
This game is one of the first I ever read on CYS, and it's still one of my absolute favorites to this day. The protagonist's inner struggle between the Emperor he's been conditioned to serve since birth, and the increasing amount of evidence that everything he's ever been taught is false, was engrossing to read. Indeed, the character's thoughts and feelings as his mindset slowly shifts from the person he was raised to be to who he wants to become, is so detailed and fleshed out, that you can actually immerse yourself in that pain and self-doubt. Every moment in the game feels special and unique, and the surrounding characters and their motivations are so well-written that their death, treason, suffering, ect. hits you right in the gut. Even his enemies have reasoning for what they do, and the game does a good job of showing you their perspective, until you (and, of course, the protagonist) no longer know what to do. The game isn't some glorified rape and murder fantasy, it's a genuine work of art that deserves to be a best-selling novel, and the fact that we all get to enjoy it for absolutely free is just an extension of the love and consideration that EndMaster put into this masterpiece.
MiltonManThing (Innkeeper):
This was a great read. This is my first of EndMaster's stories, and it didn't disappoint. As others have pointed out, I'll probably go back after I read some more of EndMaster's works.
Though the fantasy element is in play, the tone of the story never deviates much from a down-to-earth tone. I could have imagined a story like this written in a modern setting, but the fantastical elements, such as succubi and zombies, add to narrative by giving the player more dramatic and bizarre situations to deal with. The elements regarding sex are tastefully dealt with, and that is something I greatly appreciate. The characters have great and varied voices. I'll have no trouble remembering characters like Eliza, Rita Wendy and the other staff members. They all have their moments to shine in the narrative, and even the protagonist gets his own voice too. The dialogue between characters is great. It never gets too cerebral and the plot moves forward at a good, constant pace.
I enjoyed the the fact that the different routes, even the happy ending, all had their own drawbacks. I never found an ending where the inn wasn't sold, but there were different circumstances regarding the sale. Every route reflected a different way that the protagonist approached adulthood. The narrative, in my opinion, is less about the literal function of being an innkeeper and more about how a young adult seeks to find his place in the world. The sale of the inn represents the ending of young adulthood and the beginning of an adult stepping into his role in the world, or failing at it because of poor choices. A small mistake can have much larger consequences later on. A person of high moral fiber who stands up for what he believes in and not compromising on it can have difficulty in the immediate future, but reap better rewards later on. One can find himself drawn to certain vices to cope with the stress, and the narrative never implies that the protagonist will never experience stress no matter what stage of life he's at. Some mistakes can be corrected; other mistakes can't. Young people entering into college usually find that life comes at them hard and so many different choices present themselves. It can be difficult to know if they made the right decisions or not, even in hindsight. The route where you choose Cindy definitely reflects that. You could make all the right choices, and even the one that seems right at the time, and still wonder if things could have been different, or better.
There are a few grammatical errors, but for the most part it's more than solid. There was one instance in last part of the dialogue with the page, the one where you have to consider the plans proposed by the notable members of staff, that I got a little confused about who was talking at the time. I do think that the storygame could use some more pages, line breaks or more text font changes to indicate passage of time. Though I never got lost, the formatting for that can sometimes be a little awkward in some of the ending pages. It's never anything diminishing the work as a whole though.
I'm glad I made the time to read this, and I will certainly read more. Thank you, EndMaster, for making this storygame!
RKrallnor (Chivalry):
Chivalry review:
First things first:
I am reviewing a fan fiction game where I'm not too familiar with the original property. Understandably, a fanfiction game will be more enjoyable to people familiar with the source material, yet it is my firm belief that it falls upon the writer's strength to make it accessible and enjoyable to new readers, provided they do a little work beforehand to at least be aware of what's going on. At the end of the day, a good story is a good story.
I think the prologue is a bit dense for new readers, and it's a little challenging to first read that, and then move on to the story itself. It's hard to understand what's going on with so many names and things happening, although I have done something similar, so I don't want to throw glass stones from a glass house. But at the same time, the story of the prologue is interesting, promising action, adventure and intrigue soon to come. We get several characters established: King Alphonso Argon, the ruler who set out on a doomed mission to conquer Tenosia, a land to the south of where they are. Marlic, a brilliant general who was initially opposed to the whole plan, and later turned out to be a turncoat who abandoned his leader upon the failure of the Tenosian operation and took over. The congress of lords, basically the collection of all the lords who governed under King Argon, and advised him. Finally, the Mason order, the soldiers who serve under General Marlic. Now, you(the MC) are a part of a group that is trying to free the kingdom from the rule of General Marlic and the mason order.
I enjoyed the maps, because the names of all the various places got really confusing, so it was helpful to see, for example, where the Vantear province was situated relative to the Agatha Kingdom.
I love the first sentence, seriously I think this writer has great aptitude for good first sentences. The first sentence: Another bout of thunder pulses in the night, reverberating through the wood in the surrounding bunks, is really well written.
The writing is captivating, I really feel for the general’s plight, and I enjoyed how the author intermixes the actual events with internal thoughts. I liked the “Sir Loin” joke, that was hilarious. I was confused by the spelling of “Tibberius Bane”, shouldn’t it be “Tiberius”? But it’s internally consistent, so I think that was intentional.
Also, there’s a nice “Alien” reference to Signourey Weaver, that did take me out of the story, but in a good way the first time(monsters with a mouth in a mouth). At the same time, for the purpose of the joke, the dialogue drags a bit, and honestly it feels like the character was just placed there for the sake of the joke. Then you refer back to Sir Gourney Weaver’s death again, talking about a giant alien sea creature that eats him, which definitely felt odd and out of place. The sirloin joke fits because it sounds like a joke that actually works within universe. Again, this is me throwing stones from a glass house, but I do think pacing wise, the story could probably be a bit faster without the joke. It’s also uncharacteristically meta that doesn’t fit with the serious medieval feel you created so well, but this is more of a nitpick so feel free to ignore it. I enjoyed the rest of the jokes, they were really funny and fit with the bawdy medieval atmosphere(particularly the “your sword is so short” joke, I don’t know, maybe I’m pretty immature, but I laughed out loud at that part!).
The writing of military tactics, and medieval battles was well done. It made perfect logical sense. The author didn’t dumb it down for a general audience, yet at the same time made it easy to follow.
There’s a small typo in the page “Sneak over the walls to destroy the siege weapons”. In the sentence, “You stand on the beach with Sir Weaver, the rain finally abetting”, it should be “abating” instead.
The worldbuilding is really well done, and the characters really feel like they are a part of the world. They reference things like “the burning of the Trayan Citadel”, which when I checkedthe prologue, happened in the invasion of the Vantear province. I love the way you create this serious atmosphere, and tension in the story. I couldn’t take my eyes off the story, it was so enthralling. I was holding my breath(metaphorically) during the battle scenes.
I really enjoyed how you build suspense throughout the story, particularly with the bar conversation about the spy in the camp. The best part was, you delivered on your promise earlier in the story, because the Masons truly are as dastardly and immoral as you claimed. Their ultimate plan, to release dead bodies and infect the drinking water supply, really befits bad guys of their reputation. And the creepy doctor was a really well written villain. I also liked the choices we had between acting for the greater good, or killing this repugnant individual. This choice is a recurring theme as we see this happen throughout the story, with some more interesting politics, such as a steward who isn’t necessarily considered for the welfare of his people, as he is for ending the war and protecting the nobility(defending the keep). This also happens again with choosing to free the slaves or pressing forward to the main wall. I thought this was quite realistic and interesting, but a really tough choice for me to make. Especially at the end, where you see a little girl floating lifelessly in the river, clutching a tattered stuffed animal. Good god! Through that ending, we, the knights of Agatha, became almost morally indistinguishable to the Masons, which was interesting because the prologue initially set it up as a clear good vs evil situation, where the honorable and chivalrous knights of Agatha seek to eliminate the scourge of the dishonorable and ruthless Masons. But real life isn’t that black and white, and you do a good job of exploring the moral greys.
Finally, I loved the sensory descriptions that really bring you in the story(the acrid smell of sulfur assaulting your nostrils).
The branching was well done, and I like how whatever choice you picked, it would go to the end without prematurely punishing you for the wrong choice.
There are some mistakes in the ending, since I got the ending where Sir Buckley gets shot in the neck with an arrow and eventually decapitated, luckily though managing to heroically give Malric a limp that affects him for the rest of his days. But in the ending page, it says Sir Buckley managed to spirit away the heirs, including King Argon’s son, which is impossible since Buckley died. Maybe he did it sometime in between, that wasn’t mentioned in the story? Or I might have missed it? But regardless of the continuity errors, which are understandable given it’s a contest entry, this story was fantastic
Everything was firing on all cylinders in this story, I really enjoyed it, and I’m going to give this story a 7(-1 for the continuity errors). A truly noble entry for Corgi’s Gaybellion contest, and one that hopefully mollifies Corgi a bit after he reads my story, as it probably fits his original vision for the contest the most, considering his knight in shining armor avatar. Well done Fluxion, you truly are a force to be reckoned with, and I got to check out the video game Chivalry, I really loved this story.
TypewriterCat (Fleeing the Forest):
There are probably spoilers below, so I’d suggest reading the storygame before this review.
I’m a bit biased here as I’ve read Watership Down, but I really did like this. I enjoyed it enough to read through all the endings of my own free will rather than being morally obligated to do so for a review, even.
The violence was vivid and other such adjectives. I particularly liked the owl ending, Hops’ gruesome end was both creative and articulate. There could have been a bit more focus on the pain itself rather than the mechanics of the violence occurring, describing the sensation of the ribcage being torn apart, but it was still pretty good and vaguely reminded me of the way End writes death endings. I do mean that as a compliment.
The animalistic description of excavators as yellow beasts with gaping mouths conveyed the terror of the rabbits and the cruelty of humanity in a very evocative way. The titans were done quite well overall, the way it was written in the rabbit perspective left room for the reader to engage with the text and figure out the references without being confusing. Humans as a whole were fleshed out as antagonists, considering the contrast between the construction workers and the child that adopted Fang, so good work on that.
On the characters:
Fang’s character development was a major strength of the story. Turning him from a immoral killer to a compassionate and caring character was done in a realistic manner throughout the journey, and his final state fit with his earlier characterization of enjoying the pleasures of life. Kudos to you on that, very much an improvement from Terrorist.
Didn’t really get a strong sense of personality from Hops, but that makes sense since he’s a reader stand-in.
Daisy and Flick felt a bit like caricatures on occasion. They both had depth outside of being the harlot rabbit and the gay rabbit, but it would have improved the story to flesh them out as much as Fang. They were well-written characters regardless and the interactions between them were amusing.
Benton was with the group all throughout the journey, but didn’t take any particularly important role or contribute all that much. I forgot he existed while writing this review, so make of that what you will. I wouldn’t say he was badly written, in any case.
Very enjoyable cast of characters overall, with realistic interactions and fun dynamics. I’d definitely read a sequel if you wrote one.
Some more branching would have been nice. Most choices either led to death or an immediate ending. The endings were varied and followed a logical path, so I did enjoy them, even if I wish there were more paths.
The storygame as a whole successfully explored a few important concepts rather than attempting to cover many, which is another improvement from Terrorist. The themes probably existed as well, but I'm very tired at the time of writing this review and do not want to do literary analysis, so I will not be elaborating on that statement.
Would’ve liked to see a bit more lore of this world as well. The actual Watership Down had a rabbit language and a whole mythology, this did not quite reach that same standard. Comparing your storygame to a published novel may be unfair of me though, so I’ll just say you did quite well for the word count and expertly fleshed out the social dynamics and organization of the colonies.
A few SPAG errors scattered throughout. Didn’t interfere with my rating whatsoever, and nothing a proofread wouldn’t fix.
I gave it a 6/8. More work on the characters and branching would have pushed it to a 7/8. I enjoyed it very much, and do hope to see more storygames from you.
Mizal (Private Game for Natalie):
There's a sweet, simple little love story of nostalgic reminiscences to be had here...if you choose wisely, and don't stray from the expected path.
Now if you don't play along, and start to contradict the narrator, if for some perverse reason you (as Natalie) insist on remembering things *incorrectly*, things get a little thorny, fast. If you're coming to this or to Gower's previous game after having only followed along with the superb Tally Ho LP, I imagine it can be a little surreal. If there's one thing I'm learning about his CYS storygames anyway, it's that you can expect him to do some neat tricks with the POV and structure of these, and you can expect to be unsettled.
The previous game presented itself as a quiz and (for most of it) was Gower as the author speaking to you, the player. This time the 'you' is Natalie, playing the game that was written for her by the narrator and sometimes speaking directly through the choices. (And this is the source of the only flaw I found in the game. It was supposed to have been written in advance for her to play through, and that's confirmed in most of the endings, but it didn't always seem that way as it was actually happening...and of course certain choices changed the actual 'reality' of the relationship and some didn't. Although, this being a CYOA, I'd be at a loss for coming up with other ways to handle it.)
Overthinking the structure aside, the game and the different takes on the characters' relationship is just fascinating to explore. Sometimes it hits that fond, nostalgic tone of a 20 year anniversary just right, sometimes it's twisted and hysterically funny, and sometimes...well, often...it swerves on a hard left and turns dark af.
(Weirdly, the 'baked ziti' conversation was the most uncomfortable one for me, perhaps because it's a much more familiar and realistic example of a terrible relationship than some of the uh, other options.)
The automatic dishwasher scene meanwhile is bizarre and hilarious and not at all what you'd expect to encounter in a story like this, but it was a great moment for a change of pace after pawing through so many other twisted memories, 'distortions', and what have you.
This is undoubtedly one of the best written stories we have in the L&D category, but anyone looking for a safe, traditional romance is going to be in for a shock, and I'm looking forward to reactions.
Btw, the Quinn and Floyd choices are very much worth unlocking, and not difficult. Just go back and choose a bit differently near the beginning. (Scrolling through the comments for the exchange between 'Natalie' and Gower is also recommended after reading this a few times, it's good enough to belong in the story itself and definitely should be part of the experience...)
This was a great read, the kind of thing you have to get through all in one sitting once you realize what's going on with the responses and endings. Although, because the nature of the existing relationship can change so much depending on what you pick, I never got that clear, unified picture of it all the way I did in the OTHER story. Gower may or may not have been married to Natalie for 20 years, but it's obvious his true first love will always be Kelly. Nothing can match the intensity of the spark they had.
Suranna (The Grand Pharoah's Tomb):
This story starts strongly with the first page, but the writing quality dwindles as the story goes on. There are various SPAG errors adorning the pages that follow and that combined with some of the wonky phrases really bring the story down. This is probably just due to the time constraints of the contest, but it was distracting me and bringing my enjoyment down as I read it.
The essence of the story itself is brilliant though. My favorite part was how the pages were used to create a ‘time loop’ on one of the bad endings, showing off the power of the amulet and its ability to warp time. It’s interesting when you consider that because of this there are no ‘good’ endings in this story.
I also really liked how Dire took the time to write out different endings for each of the wrong choices you made in the riddle part of the story. The riddles also vary whether you go alone or with others. Though one of the possible doors seems to be missing when you go with a group.
I also wish there were more outcomes in the maze other than eventually finding your way through it. It would’ve been nice to see some death endings riddled throughout it and even a potential map to help you get through it easier.
I think the idea of the story itself and some of the mechanics used should bring it up to a 7, but due to the SPAG errors and some iffy writing I would consider it a 5.
Glory to Kannok.
DBNB (Rogues):
Wow, and Amazing! Rogues is one of my favorite story games here. (Although admittedly, there are a quite a few I can say that about.)
I've played through this when I first started hanging out around CYS and thoroughly enjoyed it. However, at that time I did not leave a proper review even though I rated it, so I will leave one now.
The writing in this story is compelling and keeps the readers attention. The worldbuilding is phenomenal, and it always seems like there is a new way to explore or some other path to take. The MC has quite a variety of choices in how he chooses to go about his life, and has plenty of opportunities for either more or less moral paths.
What really makes this particular story so much fun is the variety of paths that you can travel down to reach an ending. The world in this story is large, and the way it is branched truly allows you to choose your own adventure, rather than being guided down a path with varying choices along the way. Depending on choices you make, you can have different goals, meet different characters, and have the entire story take place in different locations. It is brilliantly done.
Also, because of the variety of narratives available, this stands up to replay very well. It seems there is always something new to explore in this world.
This story is so good that Gryphon wrote a review that's probably longer than half the stories on this site.
Overall, I wanted to give props to one of my favorites here. This is not a story to miss. Definitely recommend. 9/8 (yes, I know I put a 9 there)
fresh_out_the_oven (Anya's Choice):
Overall: Not a bad story. Thought it was going to be entirely epistolary from the first page. I was a little disappointed, but that’s okay. Also, the tone changes wildly between the letters and the actual story.
Characters:
Anya- Defining traits include being in love with her husband, feeling the need to involve herself in everything, and worrying a lot in the form of questions that her husband never answers
Andrey- Andrey seems to have the same general personality as his wife, which can happen I guess, but character diversity is appreciated. Also, he’s off fighting the war. You’d think he’d be more… I don’t know. Soldierly. I will say he doesn’t seem to have the same tendency to worry as Anya
4/8
SPAG:
So, many, commas. It’s ok to split things into separate sentences on occasion
Not sure where to put this, so I’ll do it here. The page names are kinda wonky.
This story would really benefit from another round of proofreading. Quite a few grammatical and punctuation errors.
Quotation marks around the letters, especially when there’s other writing on the page, would be appreciated.
You switch from second to first person a few times.
2/8
Branching: Not a whole lot of changes in the story off the bat, with the exception of scripting used to change the P.S. at the end of the letter based on your choice. Otherwise pretty decent, plenty of different endings.
6/8
Plot: It’s a good idea- actually very interesting, if a little common. Even though the story isn’t long, the plot is well structured. O think it could do with a little more fleshing out, especially at the end.
6/8
Bonuses: I love all the little anecdotes referencing their past together. It really helps to connect to the characters.
+1
Total: 5/8
**other comments**
- hilarious that the dude’s name literally means “male” and “masculine”
- You do a good job of capturing the wistful left-behind farmwife vibe from the very first letter
- The first link is in present tense, while the other two options on the page are past tense (which makes more sense)
- Fourth… paragraph? On the “insist on chicken” page (btw you should probably fix that title) is “your hands shakily open the letter and begin to read”, with no capitalization or punctuation. Also, it’s written as though your hands are what’s doing the reading. May I suggest moving some stuff around, more like “You open the letter with shaking hands, then steadily begin to read.”
- The characters’ names are so similar
- Oh, he refers to her as “my love” as well. Cute ig
- On the “Maria the baker” page, the first sentence sure has a lot of commas.
- Second link on “Maria the baker” page is all lowercase while the other two are capitalized
- Also not a fan of the last line of that page
- Why did we go straight into another letter from the Maria scene?? Feels like there should be a little paragraph of thought or something first.
- On the “propose running the bakery in shifts” page, the link at the bottom need an apostrophe in “Andrey’s”
- The sentence “it’s so like you” doesn’t seem to fit the vibe of the rest of the letter
- “The Nazis have arrived.” I like that this sentence is on its own line and is short and concise. Very dramatic. Well done.
- Okay, no way she’s only seen the Nazi insignia on newsreels. The Nazis were everywhere. Where is this set? A lot of Nazi takeovers were… a bit different from this. Involved a lot more propaganda and slowly wedging their way into everyone’s daily lives.
- Nazi isn’t capitalized in the link on the “inside the bakery” page
- We’re in Russia! Suppose Anya is a Russian name, but Andrey is more French. Also “old man Petrov” should’ve given me a hint.
- His Russian is stilted and harsh? All Russian is stilted and harsh. Also, he has spoken ONE WORD, and it’s… in German. Then the next word is English.
- I feel like the choice I was making at the end of “The Nazi occupation” page was not very clearly defined.
- Sure seems like Andrey is the only man who returns
- This epilogue is the most well-written part of the story
- I’ve seen the words “my lifeline in these dark times” on what feels like a lot of pages, from both Andrey and Anya
- Yeah, didn’t think he was gonna be just allowed to leave the military casually
- Maria’s children are the last thing Andrey talks about. Something going on there? Sure seems to care a lot
- “How do you solve a problem like Mariaaaa…”
Sherbert (Diplomat):
I’m very surprised that this storygame hasn’t received more comments and feedback. I’ll begin by saying that I think Diplomat is a very worthy contest winner and well-deserving of its spot in the featured stories list.
It definitely has one of the better first pages I’ve seen, a simple yet effective hook to get readers invested in the storyline. We’re given a unique introduction to the world through the meeting and negotiations, and I appreciated all the minor bits of cultural knowledge provided about the Selei right off the bat. The details are small, but interesting and don’t feel redundant. I’m not a particularly big fan of interactions with aliens in stories, because it can get pretty predictable. Often it’s the same holier-than-thou attitude, and while the Selei certainly have that, it’s written in a way that captures intrigue and feels fresh while also showing off some of the protagonist’s professionalism and experience, ultimately an enjoyable opening scene. That being said, I was more entertained by the Kaagan.
Spelling and grammatical issues are minimal. I don’t think you’ll be finding any unless you actively look for them, and even then it might be a challenge. It seems like a good amount of polish went into this one, so it’s a very smooth read through and through.
It’s pretty fun to take note of how many unique customs the different species have, apply it in negotiations, and watch how the dialogue affects the world over time. The choices are even complete with the oh-so-classic and very amusing ‘fight and immediately die’ option at one point, too. Overall, it’s a quality storygame that stands out and I encourage people to seek out the multiple endings. Playing as a character who primarily operates on speech-based choices is a fun way to mix things up. Hope this one garners more attention in the future.
Ogre (Polaris):
Ah, “Polaris.” It evokes lovely images of, well, the north. Maybe the north star. Maybe the far north and the north pole. Is it cold in here? Anyway, back to the story and the first page that has a giant neon sign for a whorehouse! Oh, this is going to be a good one, isn’t it?
Very nice setup and world. I liked the descriptions and how everything was set up in the first page. At one point I wasn’t sure if I, also, was a bot, but that’s probably just me. It was fun trying to imagine the world around me as I read, not really knowing what was going on all the time. This weird combination of an alien world, the bots, and the tech made this a really fun setup.
The various types and times of choices was interesting. The first set of choices it was clear that I had to (or should) make each selection before I moved on. But then the choices seemed to limit me, and once I picked one choice, all the others were not still there. That’s nice, as it made me really start to think about the choices and why I might pick one instead of the others. It was fun that I could baselessly accuse the first guy and then it refused to talk to me after that!
It was fun interacting with the different bots in the different situations. This was a neat story that I enjoyed a lot, even if I did feel like a cheap whore at times!
PerforatedPenguin (Rogues):
Despite your strange fascination for very fucked up elf dominatrices (I'm sensing a theme). You bring yet another thrilling story to your library of already great stories. So let's get this review overwith:
Story: I fucking hate you... I really fucking do... You soak up all my goddamn time. This once I said to myself, "I'm not going to get into this story, I'm gonna detach myself and read it from a more literature based standpoint". But screw me, if I didn't get absorbed fucking immediately. Alright that's enough ass kissing. The story was very very good. The characters were definitely fleshed out, with a variety of distinct personality and lines of dialogue. I've noticed that this story is quite dialogue heavy when it comes to character building, which is a great way to chracterize if it is used well (which it was). The plot was nicely made with appropriate rising and falling actions. This review is based on the: "Welp, shit I've got kids now" ending. This ending was quite cute and ties the story nicely. At the beginning of the story, the reader is expected to be seeing his sister as a reoccurring character as she is one of the first charcters the reader meets. However this is not the case at all. Which makes it quite a nice little mixup, by putting, not only the character, in a state of "wonder where dat bitch went" but low-key forcing the reader to try to spot any dialogue or hint of the character's sister. Naturally making both, suspicious of the main romance character. Which makes it all the more powerful when she surprisingly does something nice.
Choices: Look endmaster I love you and all your excellent stories and want in NO way to impead your original intentions for a story buuuuut... This one could stand to have a more brancing path during the journey, especially more so then your previous stories. Now it's probably my fault for mostly picking ones that lead to death when I did try to "explore". Like I would be lying if I said I didn't want more story based on the little girl from "the wandering inn. Thing...place". As I got a bit excited for the whole endevour. I was gunned down in the streets by cops like a black man with Skittles when I talked to a priest. Also sure it's nice that some of the "branches" are well hidden But... And this is a big butt... Your other very successful stories had at least one pivotal, obviously story changing, choice near the beginning that impacted the entire story. For death song, it was a choice between mercenary and soldier. For Eternal, it was the choice to Beg, Die, or Stuggle. These choices even if one of the paths is considered "worse" (for example, lots of people liked the soldier path then the mercenary path in death song) the fact that they exist makes the other choices carry more weight early on, plus it helps to have some choices early on to help the reader define the character a little bit before the reader has a chance to learn about his character. If that makes any sense.
Grammer: I only noticed like, one spelling error. Nothing special. But some of the dialogue was a bit confusing I'll admit. With a story that's really dialogue heavy it really helps to have more clarification on who is talking. Usually with your other stories I didn't have a problem, but those were usually quick transactions between vastly different personalities rather then multiple paragraphs of dialogue between characters of similar interests. So it was somewhat confusing sometimes but thats the only REAL gripe I had with it. I personally perfer your style of characters talking without multiple "he said/ then she said". But putting one in during extended dialogue can help.
Overall: fucking gud m8.
This review is brought to you by MacDonald's because every time he posts a new thing, I come back to it like an obese child trying to new big Mac size.
Yummyfood (Rockstar):
First Impression: Rock on!
God that was a retarded thing to put there but whatever. I really liked this one but didn't have a better joke or anything to put there.
********************spoilers********************************
Story and worldbuilding: It's been a hot second since I last commented on a story so bear with me if the format isn't exactly like I've been using. This story just lives and breathes. The character is fantastically written, has compelling motives and backstory, and narrates like an absolute boss. I actually felt like I was following a 30-something who's rock career never quite took off and is now resigned to playing for the church service.
I did have a bit of an issue with the gun fight ending. It kind of makes sense but I feel like that could have gone a different direction. The other endings that I decided I absolutely needed to find were pretty good. Most of the choices led to a completely different outcome than I expected a story about a guy who likes rock music but plays for a church service to go. I like that the character never really goes anywhere and is mostly accepting and chill with it. There's no flashy rise to fame, which really adds to the real life feel.
The atmosphere was awesome too. I could visualize everything in my mind, and it was glorious. The drag of public transit, the youth singing, the graveyard, the bar, even the music was playing in my head.
Gameplay: The gameplay was a bit... simple. There weren't that many choices. Most of them completely changed the path of the story and that's what really counts if you are going for more story and less choice. At least two choices were just extra dialogue though, and one choice was basically choosing yes or no and getting the same result either way. Other than that, no complaints.
Grammar: Pretty much immaculate. I know there were some things that were misspelled or shortened on purpose and that added to the story so I'm not going to complain about it. I do think that ol needs an apostrophe at the end, but I might be wrong.
Overall: I give this a 10/10. The feel of the story and the excellent writing beat out anything negative I felt about it. Good job.
ninjapitka (Rogues):
Warning: Do not read Rogues if you do not want to be caught up in an immersive world with fantastical characters. Seriously though, the characters (even minor ones) were incredibly enjoyable. From sexually confused landlords to overly sexually aggressive half-elves, (yes, there's a lot of sex) each character was interesting and their contribution to the story development made it a fun read-through. Sometimes I found myself break out in gleeful excitement in appreciation of how ridiculously entertaining the story was.
I read through a few different endings and it's clear that Rogues should be played multiple times. It's exhilarating to see the ending from different factions. After getting acquainted with the lore, it was cool to see what happened to possible friends/foes and that your choices had a clear effect on their outcome.
Definitely would recommend reading Rogues and it's a good referral story when you tell your friends about this site.
Clayfinger (Fleeing the Forest):
This was a great read!
I really loved that there were multiple branching paths with their own stories to explore. I would absolutely recommend multiple playthroughs of this one. The characters are well written, and the dialogue of the rabbits does a good job of portraying the terror they feel for the titans.
Loved it!
goodnight_a (Isaac's Sacrifice):
This is an interesting take on the story of Abraham and Isaac. Essentially you play the role of an amnesiac angel who is sent to earth to protect Abraham from harm after a disastrous sacrifice. The story imagines what could have happened if Isaac had died.
In regard to spelling errors, I didn't notice anything that seemed too jarring to read. 'God' is capitalised in a haphazard way: just choose one version and stick with it. Also, on the 'Shepherd' page, you refer to the 'merchant' smiling. I mean, it's possible that the shepherd is also a merchant, but this is probably just a mistake.
The merchant path has a loop error, so that when you click 'Midnight Strikes' on 'as a child' the link just takes you back to the cliff.
On the first page, you probably could have put all the information you get from asking questions within the text, seeing as there doesn't seem to be much point in clicking a link to read a paragraph of information, then clicking back. Links to information are usually because the writer wanted to include a lot of extra background information without forcing the reader to scroll through a thousand words of detailed, optional description. Anyone who doesn't want to read the paragraph of information you wrote can just skim past it.
I like that you changed between the angel's thoughts and Abraham's thoughts, as if the angel were getting glimpses into Abraham's mind. The description of heaven, with a range of otherworld-ish language, is also well-done.
Not to get hung up on the technicalities, but at the time this story is set 'Israel' would have been known as Canaan, as the nation of Israel is named after Abraham's grandson, the son of Isaac, who according to this story got burned up in a fire before he could ever have children. So this is both a temporal and ancestral paradox, but that wasn't the main point of the story. So there's that. (There are other nitpicks that I could go into, but seeing as this is a fantasy story any errors can be probably be excused/ignored. The one I just mentioned amused me.)
All in all, this is a decent story for something written in around three weeks, especially for a first attempt. To improve you could work on the points above, make the story longer, and include more endings (I believe there are only two). And, as has been mentioned before, angelic shadowing isn't 'haunting' in the sense of ghostly manifestation, but certainly the idea that Abraham is 'haunted' by his memories/actions is an interesting one.
enterpride (Blackbirds):
This review contains spoilers, you know the drill. So let's quickly continue.
Out-fucking-standing. With his most recent story (although during the writing of this review the madman has already published a new one), Ninja's writing showcases an absolute command over page and pace. The story is like an ever crescendoing beat of Blackbird war-drums, every page quickening the rythm, weaving new building blocks into the plot. Listen, like Camelon, I also thought the start was slow, but after the saving private Musket beach scene, the story just grabbed my attention by the throat and never let go.
Ninja's protagonists have always been introspective and filled to the brim with thoughts and opinions. In some previous stories I thought it detracted from the plot itself. On this one, however, I feel it only adds to it. The thoughts flow into the scenes and are either immediately applicable, or serve as base for further development. I previously mentioned the expert pace, and this story gives us enough time between plot beats to breathe air into the world. This is only supported by the introspection and excellent conversations with the side characters.
That brings me to my only critique, aside from a quick fuck you for teasing us a whole pirate storyline. First path I chose was the Pocahontas one and that really delivered, almost made me quit the story, like stopping halfway into a tasting when finding the perfect beverage. It convinced me the linearity thus far didn't bother me at all. If it had been a novel I'd enjoy it thoroughly. However, logically, it left behind many of the previous plot threads (read characters), instead choosing to focus on the Indians and their gods. So I wanted to explore the second half, and that felt rushed, as if you'd passed the 100k mark and were done with it.
Why search for a surgeon within the hostile walls when everyone's perfectly suited to treat the wound. Then there's a quick summary of Prinn, and a last confrontation with Bastus and with that, the whole squad is forgotten. Within a choice, you're at an epilogue that felt more like an afterthought than a satisfying conclusion, tying everything together. Where the Pocahontas path dealt with personal discipline, I'd quite liked to see this path go further in exploring the discipline of the army, especially at that point where everything seemed to be at its hardest and at the point of breaking, using all those characters you've spent so much time and effort to build up.
As an afterthought of my own, I really want to repeat that Ninja has a gift at describing the essence of scenes and scenery, often without adding many tangible details that impose his own vision. This really allows your own imagination to paint a clear picture, only further pumping life in his world. 8/8
SentinelPenguin (The End of Creation):
This warning wasn't needed in my review of the other game, but despite my best efforts THIS REVIEW WILL EVENTUALLY HAVE SPOILERS, so you'd best bugger off if you haven't read the game yet. Really, if you haven't read the game, what the fuck are you doing?
I think in many ways this might be a perfect sequel. Basem, as a worldly and travelled character, provides for this world the thing that the kind of hintful darkness of the first game left me thirsting for-- Not necessarily answers, but context, details, a wider picture, and even more things to wonder at than when I started. The best worldbuilding is the kind that is never just fulfilling requirements or coloring in blank space-- The truth is always more nuanced and complicated than the assumption, and everything revealed reflects that.
When the reader first meets Julian, we're only given hints of the depths of a very rigid and dogmatic education, the edifice of which is revealed only in glimpses as Julian applies it to his surroundings. As Basem's world is colored in from numerous gray areas and direct experience with all corners of the world, so much more information is relevant to the present tense of the story and comes forth with just enough elaborateness to be satisfying. Basem is definitely one of the more fleshed out and idiosyncratic protagonists I've seen in a CYOA on this site, revealing much about the world through his thoughts and opinions-- And that's absolutely to the story's benefit. It's a relatively common practice to leave a lot up about the protagonist in storygames the air, up to projection, and that's fine and dandy when done well. But, this is the first game that really feels like I'm *exactly* the character I'm supposed to be. Like, this story puts you in *the* front seat for the conflict of the story as it develops. There's no person here who would have a more interesting perspective, and more agency in his decisions going forward, than Basem.
That's not to say anyone else in the story wouldn't have an interesting perspective, quite to the contrary. As is a recurring Malk motif, everybody with a speaking role, even if you rarely see them for more than one scene, even one or two that don't have a line of dialogue, have something about them that's memorable. Pasha Mehmet felt like a transient, incidental presence, and yet what details he has remind me of one of my coworkers and it feels wrong calling him a minor character. I think it says something that I can specifically recall his name even 2 obese paragraphs into writing this review.
I've probably said this before about Malk's style, but it always feels like you're passing by numerous other, intersecting stories on your way through each path, but it just makes sense that you're the protagonist of this one in particular. Basem feels like the only perspective character that makes sense for this game, and that's a feeling I don't know how to describe other than that, despite it being a factor that technically applies to most other games. Like yeah, if you work out the narrative calculus, *most* second-person storygames would only make sense from the perspective of the PoV character, but Basem just feels like the *only* way to experience this game. The same events in anyone else's shoes would leave too many things missing, like an allium flower without the onion.
The End of Creation is also an excellent evolution on the themes and tone of the first game. Despite having a comparable wordcount, and both games being easily devoured in a blink for readers possessed by the right hyperfixation, it somehow makes Prayer for Destruction feel small. An aperitif sweetened by humor for the next course, where shit starts really hitting the fan. It's never completely without the dry humor of the first game, but it's used much differently here. The tone is definitely dramatic once things begin to evolve and the story begins to let you in on the plot of, well, *the universe*. Basem's pithy, pragmatic, and worldly point of view makes the whole unfolding of events feel almost like the Conan/Lovecraft-Mythos Crossover that Robert E Howard would sometimes tease at but never brought to bear. Basem might not literally be grappling with the things from Yuggoth, but he and the reader are certainly confronted with one of the oldest examples of Cosmic Horror: The Gnostic theory of God! And yet it doesn't boil a single thing down.
If I had to say these games so far had a single weakness, it's that I can definitely pick some major paths out as my favorites from the others, and one of the endings of PfD is almost definitely canon in TEoC. But just because the hilarious Massacre of Edelrach *probably* isn't how Julian came to these realizations, I certainly understand the choice-- This twist is by far the more interesting one for this game. If this ever happens to become a trilogy, though, I know which ending I'm rooting for.
Cat (Chivalry):
I haven't heard of the game that this is based off of, but that didn't detract from my enjoyment of this storygame at all. I liked being able to learn a bit more about the background to the game, which really helped in setting the scene.
I found it really easy to engage with the setting and plot of this storygame. I particularly liked the moral choices at various points in the game, where the player character could make choices such as whether to kill a man who was so obviously evil or not. I didn't do that, even though I found myself agreeing with Buckley that the man deserved to die. I was trying to look at the bigger picture, though I didn't try going down the path of killing the man, so I can't say for certain how things would have ended.
All three of the endings I reached all ended the same for the Agath as a whole...which was a little disappointing. While there was some hope of things eventually improving for Agatha, with the heirs being rescued, I would have liked to be able to 'win'...as much as one can win in war, of course.
I really liked the descriptions in this storygame, especially when it came to the fighting parts. And the legend talked about by the old man, about the man who killed himself to be reunited with his lost love, was really intriguing. I was hoping there might be something to that legend, especially as the old man who said about it seemed to disappear...as if he'd never been there.
I did like the ending where the player character could live peacefully with the woman and child he saved, which seemed to be the 'best' ending for him...at least out of the ones I came across while reading.
I really enjoyed this storygame. It was easy to follow and understand, despite not being familiar with the game it's based off of. Thank you for sharing!
Alienrun (Terrorist) :
IMPRESSION #1: Ending: Do what you came for
I'm not sure what I expected tbh. But it probably shouldn't have been "like the previous game" except that its not only as edgy...but more so!
Unfortunately can't give a good enough critique from just one playthrough. I did like it though for whatever that's worth.
My logic behind choices is as follows:
Chose to go with Sister cause that sounds way more interesting than Nazis...not that I have an issue with Nazis in media or anything (or real life neo nazis for that matter...as they tend to not actually act on their supposed beliefs very much)
Chose to finish what you started almost soley because the sex scene was over the damn car and I figured people would come if you kept at it! That's just weird! Otherwise I would have picked that option...but just went with common sense in that case.
Not sure if I'll keep up this impressions thing going forward. But I figured its better than just saying "Nice" or the opposite extreme where I play through absolutely everything and then write a thesis statement on the whole thing.
Anyways was a fun enough time as expected. May read/critique more in the future! ;)
