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Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

This is how it works:

Recommending a comment for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a tag change for a storygame (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for movement to a different category (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for a change in maturity level or difficulty level (1 point for each)
Recommending a storygame for featuring (1 point)
Recommending a storygame for unpublishing (1 point)
Recommending a comment for deletion (1 point)

To get points for recommending something, I have to agree with you and newly created storygames are not eligible point earners.  

Three Most Important Things when recommending anything:

1. Reply to THIS thread to THIS post

2. A hyperlink to the storygame

3. Number ALL your suggestions

Recommending a comment for featuring:

- The story should at least have a rating of 3.0

- The comment that you think deserves featuring (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)
- If there are already 3 featured comments on the storygame, you also have to let me know whose comment you think should be replaced.
- If I agree, you will get 1 point and the person whose comment is featured will automatically get 2 points. If you are recommending your own comment, you don't get the extra point. (You’re already getting Commendation points as well!)

Recommending a comment for deletion:

- The comment that you think deserves deletion (copy and paste it)
- The username of the person who wrote the comment (doesn't have to be the exact username, just enough so I understand who it is)

Examples of what to suggest

Spammy punctuation and lettering: Nice Job!!!!!!! or NOOOOOOO!!!!! I DIIIIIIED!

Short comments that don’t address the story content directly or clearly: “Wow” “Poop” "I won!" “Hi” “:)”

If someone says something like “Nice”, "Cool", "It sucks" or “Bad” we can leave it.

Obviously long comments that don’t do this either are also up for deletion, but it’s usually easier to see since they're probably rambling on about a Nigerian Prince or something similar so there shouldn’t be too much of an issue with ambiguity.

Incomprehensible comments: “sfekrbnmdse”

Duplicate comment: Self explanatory.

Flaming the Author: Honestly, I’m actually all for flaming the author if their story was bad enough, but I understand most of you don’t thrive off pure hatred for some strange reason. So if someone is just calling the author names, it can go.

Note: Do not recommend comments on EndMaster stories for deletion. He usually monitors his stories’ comments anyway.

Recommending a tag change for a storygame

- All of the tags you believe the story should have

Recommending a category change for a storygame

- The category you believe it should be in
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a change in maturity or difficulty level for a storygame

- The change you think should be made
- A short explanation of why

Recommending a storygame for featuring

 - A short rationale for why

Recommending a forum thread for deletion

- A short rationale for why

Recommending a storygame for unpublishing

- A short explanation of why [specifically, you must describe how it fails to meet minimum site standards]

  • After receiving at least 10 ratings and being published for at least 3 days, the storygame is rated 2.4 or less. (Though this is flexible if it's particularly bad and still in the 2.5-2.9 range)
  • The storygame has all of the following characteristics:
    • Grammar and style poor enough that it cannot be ignored
    • A plot which is poor or nonexistent
    • Poor pacing (usually characterized by frequent and unpredictable end game links)
    • A lack of important decisions
    • Unbelievable or overly cliched dialogue (if dialogue is present in the story)
  • The storygame has "dead" pages- pages with no links or way to proceed.
  • The storygame's central concept is pornographic in nature
  • The storygame is not a storygame and is instead intended to fulfill a goal such as communicating with another member (including all inside jokes) or advertising a product.
  • The storygame is explicitly described by the author as a "troll" game, or intentionally poor quality.
  • Any unfinished story.
    • What qualifies a story as "unfinished?"

1. Specifically stating in the description/text of the game that it is a "demo."

2. Ending abruptly with a notice that it will be continued later.

Games that say they are the first in a series are not automatically considered "unfinished." As long as the game itself is complete, even if the author never returned to write a sequel, it is not up for unpublishing.

If you don't follow protocol, there will be no negative repercussions, you will be ignored, or I'll take your advice and not reward you with points. Following protocol expedites the process.

To summarize: post here (for the most part) with recommendations for who I should reward / what I should change and I'll reward you with points. 

Take a second to check the posts above you and see if someone else has already made the recommendation. Remember, newly created Storygames are not eligible for tag/category/comment points.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

It's just as glorious as I always dreamed it would be.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

Comment for featuring.

mother's day mania

1) Okay, the cons definitely outweigh the pros here. 

The first thing i'd like to say, is that the branching is clearly not professional. About seventy-five percent of the time, there would be multiple "choices," but if you choose any of them that isn't the right one, the narrator just gives you a single sentence of reasoning telling you why that's not an option. That is not a choice, and that's not how you write a CYOA. 

I liked the plot, but it wasn't executed well. The writing was dreadfully linear and confusing, not the mention the many grammatical and spelling errors. 

You need to develop your characters more, because while you obviously made an attempt to develop some character traits, I still don't know enough about them, and they feel bland. There's nothing special about these characters. 

It felt like it dragged on for no reason, but that might just be because you didn't put End Game links at each ending. Please put more than one End Game link, because it's annoying to have to play multiple times just so you can end the game, because the author decided to make all the other endings loop you back to the beginning. 

I'll say 1/8, this needs a lot more effort put in.

-- MinnieKing on 6/10/2017 5:37:55 PM

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

Really it's okay, you already got the job. You've personally got more coms than any of the other Orders at this point.

Whenever JJJ gets back he's probably going to say something like "Minnie and Thara got how many coms? Holy shit!"

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

It's true. The architects are the second most commended order and they have 195 altogether.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago
Congrats Minnie!

I think JJJ thought of the commendations as a thing that would 'level out' eventually to mostly reward writers, but nobody writes so keep going, break the whole system over your knee. Make End click the button till carpal tunnel does him in.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

Thanks Mizal ^-^

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

Recommending story for unpublishing:

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/rose

I usually don't rate games very harshly, but this one is terrible even for my standards. Basically, it's extremely short, it doesn't have a plot, and it doesn't have real choices. Plus there're weird spacing, grammar mistakes, and pictures that don't work (at least for me). I have no idea why it's still rated a 2.98.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

I think this one was trying to be like Snow, but yeah the multiple broken pics and below 3 rating are enough to just go ahead and unpublish it since it isn't likely to get any better.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago
Are there stories in that section NOT trying to be like Snow?

Anyway I had a quick glance before you nuked it and trying to read that font on my phone was offensive enough to my eyes I didn't even hang around long enough to give it a 1.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

I still wanted Bucky to do his parody version of the Snow story and have the one path where the dude just walks around in the snow until he freezes to death.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

Recommendation for sending into cold, cruel oblivion: Pushing A Desert Army

A truly horrendous game. The fact that it hasn't even broken through to the 1000 word mark already screams inadequacy, and the author doesn't seem to be around so I don't mind saying that. Unsurprisingly, it wasn't some genius short story. Badly written, terrible endings (one was just 'are you crazy!?" - End game and leave comments), and devoid of depth and background.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

Recommending comments for deletion

1. Creature 2

ts a ggame a littel to short good no less

-- brettthefox on 1/26/2013 11:25:49 PM with a score of 155

2.   Ghosthunting in the Little Theatre

Whattt???

-- cricketface on 5/4/2013 5:59:57 PM

 

 

 

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

For whatever reason neither of those links seem to be working.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

Comment for Featuring

desperate heart

(To replace Madglee's comment)

1) Not bad :) 

This storygame was really good in many ways, and while i'm not usually too fond of Love & Dating stories (usually because they're almost always short with hardly any branching and similar endings), I found this one to have plenty of effort put into it. 

It was longer than I expected from the 4/8 length rating, but it might only feel longer than it is due to it having many pages and choices, but few words in general. 

The pages in this game are either a nicely written, detailed groups of paragraphs, while others just contain a sentence or two. Please work on keeping a constant quality streak while writing so the quality doesn't spread thin in some areas. 

The fact that you can easily feel emotion while reading this and understand the characters feels due to the descriptions given proves that you're no doubt talented in fleshing out the character development and emotion. 

Some of the choices (notably the first ones) lead to the same place, but nonetheless, the branching was rather impressive in my opinion. 

I'll say 5/8, there's room for improvement.

-- MinnieKing on 6/19/2017 1:17:05 AM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

3 months ago

1) Recommendation for Featured Comment:

A Dog's Life

You surprised me. I have to say, when I started this story I thought it would be a bit basic and short, but it was both longer and more interesting than I initially thought. Animals can be hard to write about unless you anthropomorphise them to some extent. If it's done badly, you end up with widely hated series like the WC World. Ugh. If you do it well, you get what this story showed hints of now and then. There was real emotion poured into this in parts, even if the plot was a little linear (then again, you're not going to have some incredibly intricate chronology of betrayals and twists in a story about a dog, so that's to be expected and it's fine!). I got the good ending, and while I won't spoil it, I have to say it really did make me feel. I won't say what I felt, as even that might spoil it, but well done. 
What I most liked was how you captured that kind of innocent thought pattern that so suits the dog perspective. A few examples: 
What I most liked was how you captured that kind of innocent thought pattern that so suits the dog perspective. A few examples: 
'The woman and boy came. You learned the both their names, Mom and Greg.' 
'Greg had decided to give her some gold. And that thus made her want to live with him.' 
Onto the criticism. I thought that some of the writing was a little bland. There were mistakes every so often, not anywhere near as bad as the worst I've seen though, and the dialogue felt a little wooden and robotic. Maybe try to imagine what your character is like, then what they'd say to whatever they're replying to with their personality in mind. Oh, and remember to use a comma when finishing dialogue in a way that continues on the sentence (e.g: '"Look at me! I'm being developed as a character," screamed Tina with a sudden burst of break dancing.'). Reading it out loud helps too for this, as well as the general flow of everything. Watch out for 'your' and 'you're', but that's a fairly easy mistake. While it doesn't need scripting, I'd say maybe some of the options could do with being one click only (memories later on in the story or the choices to go to the creek etc. at the start, for example). Also, maybe add a sex you can pick; there were a few examples where the story was a little compromised: 
'"We neutered (him/her) so that we could stop overpopulation." the woman said.' Some things are best left to the imagination too; I don't think the whole 'overpopulation' thing is necessary in speech. 
All in all, a really nice story and I enjoyed it:) 
5/8

-- AzBaz on 6/21/2017 4:27:45 AM

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Recommending comments for deletion

Desperate Heart

1.   bam badaboom bada bow

kakao

-- 2ndNeptune on 3/31/2016 10:29:13 PM with a score of 0

2.   yas

-- jujianah on 2/12/2015 11:30:52 AM with a score of 0

3.   :O

-- S on 12/12/2014 8:59:22 PM with a score of 0

4.  blahhhhhhhhh

-- nope on 11/24/2014 9:25:34 PM with a score of 0

5.   Y U NO GIVE HAPPY ENDING?

-- Il_Maestro on 9/7/2013 4:38:36 AM with a score of 0

6.    dis was sahh funneh lawl

-- heheheh on 10/17/2014 5:49:18 AM with a score of 0

7.  wow

-- jaidenbornt on 2/8/2012 2:08:04 PM with a score of 0

8.  can you put some sex in it

-- Karebare on 9/14/2014 1:02:39 PM with a score of 0

9.  needs more vivid, romantic, luscious and in depth sex scenes with demons... like anal... and how it smells

-- Demonlover69 on 11/11/2013 8:04:41 PM with a score of 0

10.  i finished it in under minute

-- hmck2004 on 7/10/2016 4:12:48 PM with a score of 0

 

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Comments for featuring

Siblings

1) Definitely a quality storygame :D 

This one was a very good example of good writing, since it focuses on quality and quantity, unlike most storygames where it's one or the other. 

You did an amazing job of fleshing out a plot and giving the reader meaningful decisions and a variety of branches. The detail provided was enough to make a clear setting. 

The situations were definitely mostly things that could actually happen, so they were pretty logical and related to the choices overall. 

However, despite all these pros, there are a few cons. 

You do need to work on your wording, because there were a few times when I felt that the sentence structure was a bit awkward. 

The spelling and grammar could use a little work, as I saw multiple errors throughout the game (ex: in the first few sentences of the storygame the word "mattered" was spelled as "matted," on the page titled lie, "shoots" was spelled as "shots," etc.) 

And, while most of the situations and events were logical and realistic, there were a few times where it did feel a bit illogical. Sometimes events seemed to happen for plot convenience. 

You did do a good job in creating characters. Most of the characters had a good personality that remained consistent. 

Overall, well done, but there's room for improvement. Proofread a bit more, rewrite the illogical situations, and this could no doubt be one incredible storygame. 5/8 :)

-- MinnieKing on 6/28/2017 4:47:18 PM

Three Hundred Thousand Tears

2) Incredible. 

Usually, I don't find edutainment stories to be all that great, but this one is definitely one of the best storygames i've read in a while. 

I absolutely love the fact that it's based off of true events, and what made this even better was how well written it was. The writing in this storygame was of course, amazing, and there was a surplus of character development and detail. This made for a very well rounded CYOA, and it covered the event very well and it's definitely entertaining to learn about by reading this storygame. 

Like I said, there's a lot of detail and character development, which is a very impressive thing. Mainly because storygames with so much description usually lose readers interest about a quarter into reading it. But I wasn't bored for a moment while reading this. The well developed characters with consistent and strongly provided personalities and behavior made it all the more excellent. 

The branching was also impressive, and the meaningful choices definitely make reading this worthwhile. I'd no doubt recommend this storygame to new members. 

There were a few flaws, however. I spotted a few spelling and grammar issues, but nothing major. 

Also, a few of the situations were rather illogical, but still well written nonetheless. 

Overall, a beautifully written piece that covers an intriguing historical event. Well done, I look forward to your future storygames. 7/8.

-- MinnieKing on 6/28/2017 5:15:58 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Recommending comments for featuring:

1) Wizard Duel at Wizard School

Wow. This was bad. There is a reason why it's called 'Choose Your Own Adventure', which I somehow don't think this constitutes as seeing as it's more like a 'Choose Your Own Single Choice Nonsensical Anecdote'. Many choices which you'd expect to work against the one fire spell you encounter from an incredibly unrealistic professor just don't work out. For some reason, you were fixated on quoting parts of a textbook the reader isn't even exposed to (and therefore can't know about), then chastise them for not knowing some incredibly specific thing about each type of magic until you get to the 'giving up' option, which, against all reason, makes you bloody invincible. Why would anyone learn magic if all they need to do is not know how to use magic and clear their mind!? Why bother with anything else if that's the perfect defence? 
Right, this was also really short. If you want to make an actual fantasy game, you're probably going to want at least 30,000 words under your belt, half the size of a legitimate average novel. Seeing as the average fantasy novel is about 3 times as big and you need to take into account that branching reduces exposure to content unless the person goes back and choose every option, even that is pushing it in length. It also seems really stupid that the teacher basically kills you every time and everyone then laughs at the shitty jokes he tells, instead of screaming at horror at their peer's death and the prospect of their own at facing the same 'exam'. In fact, the audience is so little written about, I'm convinced the other members of the class were just a recording of laughter played on repeat like in a fucking sitcom. 
That being said, it was pretty well written (better than most almost every game under a rating of 3 I've seen so far), and had few mistakes (not that I'd expect many in less than 2000 words). This has potential to be decent if the choices are made proportional to the outcome, the reader actually finds out who they're reading about, and you basically change mostly everything except the writing style. Pretty brutal review, but at least I mashed a compliment in there somewhere. A story to be vastly improved. 
1/8

-- AzBaz on 6/18/2017 7:20:47 AM

2) The three weeks from earth

At first, from your story, I thought you might be quite young. For this reason, I thought I'd write a slightly nicer comment. Then, as I read more of the story, some of the plot and jokes made me think that you're probably old enough to accept criticism. Here we go: 
-The grammar, structure, and everything about the writing is the most glaringly obvious fault of this story. At least it's kind of consistently bad though. E.E. Cummings would be proud, but seeing as the rest of us generally follow fairly set guidelines on grammar and punctuation, I'd suggest you follow suit. There is at least one example on every page of incorrect syntax, and one on almost every line. The dialogue is also incredibly hard to believe. Here are but a handful of examples:
- '"Y-you don't know and you don't wanna know,it's about my Father on what happen?"Esther says. 
"Wh-what."Samuel asks.' I have to agree with Samuel here. What!? This sentence doesn't make sense; is Esther asking a question? Why is the tense in the present? Just make sure you read over the whole thing before publishing, and try not to switch tenses and perspectives (I noticed a lot of 'we blah blah', then 'you blah blah'). I suggest you unpublish this, revise it thoroughly, and then republish if you really want this to be out there. Seeing as it's over 10000 words, I can tell you've put time and effort in, but just a bit more on the proof reading front and it might bump this above the 3/8 mark. 
- '"...but Amanda was a nice girl,it was really a shame that we found her brutally murdered in the hallway,I don't get why this happened,she was a very nice person..."' The most noticeable thing is how you use punctuation. After you use a comma (,) and a full stop, or 'period' if you're American, which is this (.), then you need a space. It stops everything from flowing into one mess and makes the story a lot nicer to read and is vital in decent spacing within the dialogue and story. This all contributes to making it more believable. Also, I can't imagine anyone saying this about their murdered friend. 
- '"Wow now I'm not going to sleep tonight,my name is Jaime Headen."he introduces.' Just read all the dialogue out loud and think if it sounds natural. This helps me and I know it helps loads of people. If you're really invested, sit down and write small profiles for each character, decide how they'd act and talk, and try to consider all of that when reviewing their dialogue. This example doesn't sound realistic, because nobody would just come up to a group of people after seeing something horrific and say that they're not going to sleep, then say their full name. Also, this is an example of a comma splice. It's a common mistake, but an important one. This is where you join two main clauses, sentences which can stand alone and make sense by themselves, with a comma (,). You can use a full stop to separate them, or a semi-colon (;), or the word 'and', or a few other techniques to space it properly. Look it up if you're not sure what a comma splice is and try to think about whether you're joining main clauses with commas. I saw quite a few of these. 
- '"Screw my Dad!"Esther says [after explaining how her dad raped her] not caring.
"You already did."Samuel says.' Jesus, this took a dark turn! Who would actually make a joke like that after finding out someone's dad raped them? Unless Samuel is supposed to be an incredibly insensitive asshole, which he may be, I can't see anyone saying anything like this. It was probably you trying to fit in some humour, but I just don't think it works and nobody seems to care about the comment in the rest of the group beyond a small jab to the ribs. It's best not to compromise your characters for the sake of a few jokes in a serious story. I also found it generally pretty crude, but that's my opinion. Another thing relating to this: you didn't really need the flashback later on. By 'later on', I mean the reader literally found out about the family abuse a couple of paragraphs previous to the flashback. It doesn't really work if you explicitly say 'flashback' in the text. Personally, I'm not a fan of flashbacks unless they reveal something the reader doesn't know, and even then they're a bit corny. If you're deadset on using them, put it in italics or something. 
- '"911 what's your emergency.?"The lady says. 
"(Hoarsely)Please!Help....us,my s-son's in trouble."Mrs.Sanders reports. 
"Ma'am I think you need water?The Lady says.' Again, very unrealistic. Someone trained to deal with emergencies wouldn't worry about something as trivial as that. Also, remember to put a space after the dialogue ends, don't mix full stops with exclamation marks (!) or questions marks (?), and use a comma and lowercase letters when moving from the end of dialogue to the part that explains who says the dialogue and how they say it. 
- '"An infant child,but we're 400 thousand km away from earth how did he get here?"Samuel says startled.' Nobody would say 'an infant child' at the age of 14 or whatever, if ever. 
Right, there are some other examples outside of dialogue I'd like to mention. 
-'(Sorry for the lack of choices)' and '(Sorry for the skip)' are two things I came across. In a serious story, you can't break character and perspective and apologise for this stuff. If you're actually sorry, go ahead and address those issues instead of just saying it. 
- One last minor point is that it's not really explained why you have 'The Rise', if people have other powers, and what the cause of them is. 
-'Everyone there shakes they're head no.' Watch out for 'there', 'their' and 'they're'. In this case, I'd suggest a sentence more like: 'The others all shake their heads.' Some things are best left unsaid: the fact that they mean 'no' is a given as long as you're vaguely aware of human customs. 
This really needs a lot more effort and could be decent with it. I'd suggest reading a lot more to get a feel for syntax. 
2/8

-- AzBaz on 6/18/2017 8:30:25 AM

Note: I was wondering if the author can read comments after their story has been deleted, but couldn't find anything in the articles. If so, I'd suggest deleting this story instead of featuring the comment, as I'd still like the author to see my criticism preferably without having the story up (if they still come on the site anymore). I might have thought of it as good enough if the syntax wasn't painfully bad, but I tried to address that in the criticism.

3) It's Not Easy Being Me

This is a really nicely written story and the closest I've seen to grammatical perfection. I have to say I do like that. It shows you've put in time, effort, and thought in, and for a storygame of around 6500 words- a length I felt was a pretty perfect compliment for this style of story- that doesn't seem too common. The only error I saw was a misused semicolon, which is barely worth mentioning, easy to do, and out-shadowed by the rest of the well paced description and generally realistic dialogue. However, I did notice some slightly strange phraseology. I'm being pretty picky here, mainly because I don't like to leave comments without criticism because I'm dead inside. Two examples: 
- "Stepping over a few large blades of glass..." 
- "Wind blows past your spine." 
Other than that, a good story with some nice endings (I think I got them all!). Lastly: I wouldn't put an ending as one of the first two choices. You might as well have not had it as a choice because the whole 'go home and nothing happens' thing doesn't really add much (yeah, spoilers or whatever, sorry). 
6/8

-- AzBaz on 6/16/2017 2:55:46 PM with a score of 0

4) Dead space

Okay, this really did leave want for more. I finished this in about 5 minutes, and I'm not convinced it took you much longer than that to write. Seriously, if it's less than a thousand words and isn't either a short story (which I didn't get the feeling this is), or a poem (which I hope for your sake this wasn't an attempt at), then don't think about publishing until you've got at least another 5000 words under your belt. 
However, this could be good! You've got pictures that actually did create atmosphere, even if it probably took you longer to find and upload them than write the story. I have to say I'm personally a sucker for a tale revolving around spaceships and all that stuff, but I was a little disappointing. Your writing was fairly good, though could do with some more compound sentences and explosive language to vamp it up (maybe that's just me having my own stylistic, convoluted taste though). 
A deserved 4/8

-- AzBaz on 6/16/2017 5:24:28 PM

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago
Bad stories are usually unpublished, not deleted. (The exception being porn, Warrior Cats, and unpublished stories that are immediately published again with no changes by authors that can't take a hint.)

I'm kind of amazed the Three Weeks story is still around. I guess an above average number of words were typed, but it was all pretty cringey.

I'll have to read the Wizard one soon because it seems to have made you hilariously angry.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

I'm guessing a writer (which pushes it a bit in this case) can see all of the comments on their story from when it was published if it's been unpublished then?
Hell hath no fury like an AzBaz scorned. 

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Try to space out some of the paragraphs in the comments because they all look like walls of text.

Anyway, you got two of the comments featured. The other story you got a point for unpublishing suggestion since it's low enough and isn't likely to get any better.

The Wizard one you don't get anything for since it's too low to get a featured comment on. It states in the rules that a story needs to be at least a 3 to get a featured comment on. No point in featuring comments if the story is going to be unpublished/deleted soon.

Not really low enough yet to get axed though.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

I'll send the memo to my writers. Oh yeah, well at least I got a chance to let loose some repressed rage anyhow. Thanks for the points; these are going straight into a bet in the contest.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago
Did the Three Weeks story get removed? Because it's been published again if so. @Endmaster

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Yeah. Sent a PM to tell her that her story is too low to remain published and that she can ask one of you lot for writing help.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago
Gee, thanks.

I'll just point her back to my review.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Comments for featuring

You'd better Hide

1) Pretty bad, i'm sorry to say. 

The first issue I noticed was the effort put into this. Judging from the length and the few sentences on most pages, you obviously didn't spend a lot of time on this. 

The length of course isn't the only problem. There was also a huge lack of quality. The first page was decently written, but then the rest seemed extremely random, illogical, and undetailed. 

Most situations seemed to randomly happen for plot convenience, and a lot of the choices are very illogical. 

Very, very sloppily written no doubt, with almost no character development, extremely limited detail, and a very confusing and random plot that's introduced and put into action with almost no description of why. 

Overall, I feel like this could have been written in about thirty minutes. You need to work a lot harder when writing storygames, because this obviously had very little effort put into it :( 

1/8.

-- MinnieKing on 6/29/2017 6:48:50 PM with a score of 0

Ducky Park

2) Pretty decent in my opinion. 

Definitely a very humorous game, and I laughed multiple times while reading the very funny and creative writing. Although, at some points the sense of humor seemed to get old. Perhaps it went a bit over the top, and just seemed like really lolrandom humor. 

The writing is definitely pretty good, and the characters seemed well developed (at least most of them anyways.) But the sense of humor just seemed repetitive to me, and overall that made for a downfall in the writing quality. 

While the humor didn't appeal to me as much as was probably intended the choices are meaningful to the storygame, and there's a fair amount of branching here, so well done on that note. 

You did do a very good job of fleshing out a plot and setting, and the characters were mostly well developed, as i've said. The details provided about the characters and their personalities definitely gave them a realistic feeling and relatable characteristics, which is always nice to see in a storygame. 

4/8, lots of room for improvement but this was pretty good.

-- MinnieKing on 6/29/2017 6:35:20 PM

3) Ducky Park needs the Previously Featured tag.

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2 months ago
Feature my comment on Sanctimonium because I need to stock up on some fresh commendations. (http://chooseyourstory.com/story/sanctimonium~3a-lambs-and-wolves)


Your writing is consistently above average and there were no errors that stood out, so for once I don't have to waste two thirds of a review on the extremely basic and remedial technical stuff. That's so refreshing.

There is however a major bug I ran into: From the guidebook, there's no link to go back to the story. I read through the entries, then had to start spamming the 'Go back' button, but it eventually stopped working and I had to restart the entire story. I'd really really recommend fixing that one as it may be a factor in the number of reviews you're receiving for what's otherwise a pretty solid story.

Anyway, as for feedback on the writing itself, the first couple of pages were short compared to most of the rest and a little on the dull side. I worry people might glance at just the first page and then exit it without really getting into the meat of the story. A little more focus on the mother's worry in the beginning might have hinted something was off and done a better job of grabbing a reader's attention. (I felt like they had woefully underprepared Sam for a situation that could literally be life or death, as well...)


And the story you do have here to a point makes for an enjoyable read. The characters are likeable and the setting is interesting to learn about and explore, but, a major flaw is the linearity. In the early part whether you ask questions constantly or play as a perfect Lamb makes zero difference, you get sent to the SFC regardless. There were a few points where things I'd just learned from a previous choice were repeated, or when other things were referenced the story hadn't covered at all--a major one being why Sam wasn't effected by the drug, or what Ray was even talking about before she got onto the bus. Those only make sense if you refuse the drug, which I didn't do the first time.

Really there are several places where a bit of simple scripting to alter a few lines here and there to reflect your choices would make the scene flow more naturally without altering the main plot. (Though as I said, this really could use SOME choices that shake up the 'canon' plot line a little more, in ways beyond simply losing.)

The whole thing with Smith never went anywhere in any of the versions I played through. Not sure what the point was of having a second person allegedly sympathetic to the girls when Ray already filled that roll, honestly.

Annnd...really gotta say it, I felt like the plot fell apart once people started literally transforming into animals. That all came out of nowhere and stretched credibility, it would've been a stronger story without it IMO.

On the side of realism as well, there was also the issue of...why didn't the whole family just pack up and leave well before the story's events? They were outside the city, out in a forest with nothing visibly compelling them to stay. As far as oppressive dystopias go, the Sanctimonium seemed really simple to just walk away from. (And of course in the end that's what they did.)

All in all a story I enjoyed reading however, and that 30k is a very respectable word count. I'm looking forward to the next one and simply hoping it will have more variety in the choices and outcomes.
-- mizal on 6/29/2017 6:16:39 PM with a score of 0

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2 months ago

Die Zombie! die! Pt II

Recommending  comments for deletion

1.   best game ever and number 1 was kool to

-- redpacman on 11/19/2008 4:33:45 PM with a score of 0 (Duplicate comment)

2.  613

-- on 2/25/2006 6:17:30 PM with a score of 0

3. Game should be moved to the horror section (currently in Sci-Fi adventure).

4. Add horror tag

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2 months ago

Feature Comment:

From a Great Height

I really like the whole idea of this story. The floating islands reminded me of The Edge Chronicles (maybe you've read them and took influence?), and I just happen to like this kind of setting. I thought the main character was well portrayed even with the limited dialogue she had. The whole apathetic approach she had towards all of the abuse from literally everyone except other Nameless sort of spoke of a freedom that the others (that government... I can't remember the name!) didn't have. I guess that's what you were going for and I thought it was well written. I personally thought the Nameless society sounded pretty idyllic! 

The biggest flaw for me was the wording of certain sentences. I felt that a lot of it was gratuitously written, possibly to bulk out the length for the contest, and it kind of felt a little forced at times. Even if it was a few hundred words shorter, I think it would have flowed a lot better if certain words were taken out. A few examples: 
"The mutant snarls at you intelligibly as you approach it. With a body composition like that..." I also thought 'intelligibly' was a strange word choice here. 
"...they do not exhibit any aggressive tendencies towards you..." 
"In this endeavour, you marginally succeed by accident." 
Despite that, I only found maybe 3 or 4 mistakes among 40000 words, which you wrote in an impressively short amount of time. One of the only mistakes I found was "Jt’s dbngfrpvs pp hfrf". If I remember my Common tongue right (it's been a while; I'm a bit rusty), I think you meant "Jt’s dbngfrpvs pvt hfrf", but it's more of an accomplishment than anything to have so few errors! 
Oh, and one more small thing: The Captain asks what island you come from despite telling you herself that your people don't name islands, then seems annoyed to find out from you... exactly what she said 10 mins ago. Maybe that was just her apparent racism shining through though! All in all, a game to be proud of, and deservedly highly rated! 
6/8

-- AzBaz on 6/13/2017 1:11:10 PM with a score of 0

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2 months ago

^The real MVP 

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Comment for featuring

Quest for Cake: Short Story about Cake

1) Here we go... 

So, to start off, this storygame had a very vague plot. In the first two or three sentences, basically the whole plot is introduced, and all it is is eating a Subway sandwich and wanting cake. 

Grammar and spelling was obviously not in your best interest while writing this, because even after you apparently fixed many grammar and spelling mistakes, there were multiple careless errors such as "gaurd," and not "guard." This storygame has a 1/8 length, proofreading this shouldn't be hard at all. 

Also, apparently somebody tried to shoot me at this party that my friend had (who apparently hates me for a reason that is not presented), but i'm somehow able to turn around and punch him, and not get shot. That is completely illogical, someone would have plenty of time to shoot me before i'd be able to turn around and hit them with my hands. 

Then, there was the HUGE amount of lolrandom humor. The childish jokes and illogical situations completely ruined this storygame, but even without the lolrandom humor, this wasn't good. 

And also, the writing was pretty bad. There was about a paragraph or less on every page, which provided little to no detail about anything. Each page just presented lolrandom joke after illogical situation. 

Then there was the "giving up," on page one. There's no point in having a loss on page one. It just gives people a reason to rate this storygame lower and not play through the whole thing. 

And, also, don't use more than two exclamation points or question marks when using them to end a sentence, or it makes you look like a four year old. You're writing, not texting. 

This is possibly the worst storygame i've ever read. Please put more effort in next time. 

1/8.

-- MinnieKing on 6/30/2017 6:12:00 PM with a score of 0

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2 months ago
It should just be unpublished tbh.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

It should. Along with every other story on that account.

- The writer of all those stories.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

I didn't even realize it was one of your old accounts. So you really want all those deleted?

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Yes, please. I'm honestly really ashamed and embarrassed of those stories.

While you're at it, get rid of this one too please.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Good times.

Simpler times.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

All deleted, though for whatever reason most of your stories became zombified. Meaning they didn't properly delete.

So basically you can still get to the front page of them, but if you try to access the actual story, you get the error message.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Thanks, End. Now I feel slightly less disgusted with myself.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago
Feature my comment on both of these, I wasted valuable lizard writing time to read them and only one of them has a comment featured at all:

Years Gone By

Ehhhh.

1000 words, full of punctuation errors, no choices, kind of a generic abusive childhood that I guess is supposed to work in place of character development to make the character sympathetic...but then they break down in tears because someone is mean to them on Facebook, which is just lol.

The ending is (I guess?) you being randomly murdered by your imaginary friend, while she rambles about a 'wish' that's only referenced in an option you're never required to click.

Remember:

The chain of events is really odd here. So you're in a hospital after a car wreck, a ghost jabs out your eyes or something, and then a guy, presumably a doctor or nurse, goes 'wow I bet that hurts, let me get you some soup?'

Not a lot of answers to be found in clicking the other options either.

This one had genuinely creepy moments and was more interesting to me than the last story, but I agree with Briar's comment that it feels incomplete. If you hadn't gone with the played out amnesia thing (and honestly the whole explanation in how she got from her car to the hospital didn't make a lot of sense, other than as a handwavey way to avoid explaining anything) you could have gone into more details that mattered.

Anyway, you have interesting ideas and so I wish you'd try writing something a bit longer. It's hard to tell much of a story in under 600 words. Proofreading is also an issue, when really in something this short it shouldn't be.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago
The following stories all need a sports tag, because @Robin8 should have something to read. Wait, there are just five? I must have missed the 100 other stories about sports, it seems.
  1. Rylee Greening: Champion of Fitness
  2. Personal Demons
  3. Hockey Quiz: What NHL player are you!
  4. The Last At-Bat
  5. Schooled For Life

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago
Move Price of Freedom to the new Sports category, clear up a space for everyone else.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

I guess we could get Malk to write Blood Bowl fanfic.

Holy shit, I just realized I could write a "prequel" to Eternal during the reign of the Svelk civilization when they were playing their baby throwing game. One of Semra's relatives was actually a star player. (No really, it's mentioned in one of the older Eternal writing threads)

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago
I feel like you'd need scripting to really make it work. I for one would love to compete with other players for the highest baby throwing score.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Finally found the reference.

BEST BABY THROWER

T'cobb D'vessa great-great grandfather of Semra D'vessa. Once scored 42 baby eyes in a row. Had a habit of sharpening his shoe spikes and then brutally kicking his opponents in the shins for fun.

Died under "mysterious" circumstances.

Official Rules to Sma'tting Ka'sta.

1. Place an appropriate sized target on a recognized baby throwing wall.

2. Grab mewling elf baby. (Other types of babies may be used for non official games)

3. Throw elf baby.

4. Calculate score. Throw again if a baby's eye is scored. If not, pass babies to the next player.

5. Repeat steps 2-4 until no babies are left.

Babies used were less than a year old.

However in the early years, some leagues threw elven children up to 2 years old, but by the time they got to that age sometimes one throw against a wall didn't quite kill them immediately which caused protests that a hit didn't count if the child wasn't killed in the process.

A new sport called toddler tossing was briefly popular for awhile, but it just never caught on like baby throwing.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago
If your setting would go by the old D&D rule where elves just barely reach adulthood at a century old, an elven toddler would be like, twenty.

Yeah I can see why those would be difficult to throw. Really a matter of strength more than dexterity. Plus it's just not as funny.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Comment for featuring

A UFO at School

1) So, this was pretty good. 

It was of course, a bit random, but it probably wouldn't be easy to write a super realistic story about a UFO showing up at school. 

I enjoyed the writing style, and the characters were pretty well developed (which is impressive since the storygame had a short length.) 

You managed to provide an interesting plot, a setting, characters with personality, and a main problem in just 800-1200 words. Again, very impressive. 

The length may have been short in terms of words, but I was glad there were at least a few choices and a couple paragraphs on every page. 

Some of the situations seemed very, uh, convenient and unrealistic. Sort of like they just happened for plot convenience and weren't really thought of very carefully before being written. 

I did notice a few errors in tense, grammar, and spelling, but not anything too major. All in all, a good read if you're looking for something short and simple. 

4/8.

-- MinnieKing on 7/13/2017 4:02:52 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Recommendations for unpublishing

1) Mall Adventure

Please destroy this. It's just utterly terrible in every way. The plot is about testing a roller coaster ride and buying a calendar or some shit and literally nothing happens. I don't even know how the length is 6/8 because it's about 2000 words long.

EDIT: 2) Lost

This one is absolutely trash as well. It's completely pointless and boring.


 

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Recommendation for Unpublishing:

1) Hobbit Gimmick Period 3
It has basically no plot and three death links on the first page. I finished in about a minute.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Comment for Featuring

Prisoners of Pain

(To replace Kiel Farren's comment)

1) I have to agree with what's already been said by other members, positive and negative. 

It really was starting out well, and I was grateful that you were able to pick gender, and that there were a few secrets, like the password. But it felt like it ended as soon as it started in all honesty. 

One complaint I have is that you don't even have to actually play any of the real game to get an End Game link. You can just go to the password page and click any of the links, which are mostly End Game links. I imagine a lot of people have played this storygame and just thought of it as nothing more then a free point because they weren't actually required to really read anything. 

There were multiple grammar and spelling mistakes throughout the storygame, and it's already been said, but some of the link names didn't really make sense. 

And a lot of the End Game links really didn't have much of an explanation for why the game ended. 

It honestly feels like it was written in a day or two, maybe less. There's no rush to hit the publish button, because overall this felt rushed. Especially since it was starting out rather well. 

2/8.

-- MinnieKing on 7/20/2017 5:30:04 AM

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Recommending a Comment for Featuring:

Discovering Solinelia Island: Chapter 1

I quite enjoyed this story. The beginning held a number of run on sentences and lack of spacing between dialogue, but by the middle of the story, you seemed to have fixed both of these problems. There were a small amount of spelling and grammar errors other than those mentioned, but not very many. 

There could have been a lot more detail, especially about the fight with the dragon. The story in general seemed a little rushed. It also would have been nice to see some character development other than just winning the fight. The story almost seemed to play like a demo, rather than a part I to a story. 

Overall, there were some funny moments and some good writing, but lots of flaws that I'm sure can be fixed. 5/8 

-- Orange on 3/22/2017 12:31:58 AM

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago
Change of featured stories:

1. In the Sci-Fi category, the highest ranked stories are the Homo series, of course. Right now Homo Perfectus 7 is a featured story, while Homo Perfectus 8 is the top rated story in the category. I'd suggest making 8 featured and remove 7 from the featured list. 8 is also ranked #3 for 2012 while 7 is only 7th.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

As I remember at the time when one of The Homo stories was being decided on to feature, number 7 was picked because it was decided that it had the best writing of the series. 8 also had an inflated rating due to having to play it all the way through.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago

Recommendations for Unpublishing:

1) 7 Years' War 
It's just over 600 words and is pretty rubbish. How much plot can you really get into that many words? Also, while it's not 2.4 or under, it's not far off and is barely worth reading. 

 

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

2 months ago
Maybe it's time to just to unpublish the entire site, and start over.

I see this guy did the whole 'if you think it sucks just don't read it???' thing in the comments though. Should be grounds for automatic execution on a writing site IMO.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago

Comment for Featuring

Hungry

I have very mixed feelings about this. 

The story itself had a lot of choices, but little detail. The branching was pretty good, but a storygame just doesn't feel like a storygame when you don't provide a lot of detail and plot development. 

This storygame certainly had quite a bit of lolrandom humor, but I did smile a few times. Some of this was funny, but some parts were rather cringy. 

The storygame isn't something i'd really want to read again. I mean, yeah, it's entertaining, but only for the first few clicks before it just becomes stale. 

The characters had no development at all, and pretty much every single one seemed to be thrown in for plot convenience. We don't get any details on them, and they just have no personality.

I did like the writing style. I'd want to read more from this author if they were a little more careful with the lolrandom humor and provided more development for the setting, characters, and plot. 

The situations were very illogical, and the "artwork" seemed pretty lazy. All in all, a good way to pass five minutes I suppose, but nothing too special. 

3/8

-- MinnieKing on 7/25/2017 2:43:18 AM

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one month ago

Comments for Featuring

herobrine

1) It was pretty good, I suppose. 

The writing overall was definitely pretty good quality, but the plot was a tad strange and didn't really feel like a good storygame subject. I really did enjoy your writing, I just kind of wish it wasn't about a minecraft ghost that doesn't exist. 

The storygame was very linear at some points. Some of the page transitions were a bit tough to understand since a few details were often left out. 

The characters didn't exactly have a lot of development, so I recommend if you write another storygame you give the characters development and personality. That being said, you did have a bit of an excuse here, since the only real characters were the protagonist and the mysterious Herobrine. 

The grammar and spelling was very good, and I didn't see any errors in my playthrough. 

I didn't see a lot of branches that actually impacted the storygame significantly, so it didn't feel much like a CYOA. 

Overall, you definitely put effort into this, but it still has many cons. I hope you write more in the future. 3/8.

-- MinnieKing on 7/25/2017 3:23:02 PM

Climbing Beyond the Clouds

2) Fantastic! 

This storygame is extremely good! I loved pretty much everything about it. 

The branching was really great, and the quality was consistent enough that I was able to read through the story multiple times and enjoy every ending :D 

The characters have great development, and they have personality. The well developed characters really helped me understand the storygame a bit better. I was very glad we got to hear a little bit from the wife's point of view in her letters. 

The plot was also very, very creative. It was a really fun edutainment game, and it's certainly very original. 

Sure, this storygame isn't the longest, but there's a good amount of branching, words per page, and the writing is very high quality! 

I enjoyed every word of this storygame, and it's no doubt one of my favorites. 

7/8, amazing work Will! :)

-- MinnieKing on 7/25/2017 3:10:29 PM with a score of 0

mouldy oldiez

3) A very interesting storygame. 

It certainly is a humorous story, but I felt like some parts of the game were a lot better then other parts in terms of funniness. 

I did like the item use, but some of the situations with items (and a few situations without them) were rather illogical. 

The length is pretty good, especially with the fair amount of branching and words per page. I'm glad this storygame was good in terms of quality and quantity, not one or the other. 

The detail provided is enough to picture a pretty clear setting and we have a good understanding of what the storygame is actually about. 

I noticed a few grammar and spelling errors, but not a lot. Make sure to give your storygames closer proofreading to avoid these types of mistakes :) 

All in all, a good storygame with a plot and a goal. I'd definitely recommend this storygame to others.

5/8

-- MinnieKing on 7/25/2017 3:02:54 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago

Hard to believe this put me at 300 commendations. One hundred featured comments... I have way too much free time.

Lol, I suppose my next goal is 500. After the Summer Slam contest ends of course.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago

Congratulations!

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago

Thanks Az! ^_^

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago
Minnie has reaped 300 fucking commendations participating in these threads? That is significantly more than the efforts of entire Orders.

Sure hope everyone likes being ruled by a hobbit because I don't see the thread title changing anytime soon.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago

Yeah, Minnie has basically ensured that the filthy Sages will forever rule high above the rest of us oppressed, misunderstood orders (most notably the wise and powerful lovable underdog Wardens).

(That doesn't count as treason... right? Long live the Sages!!)

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago

Comment for Featuring

Mercenary Queen (Part 1): Escape from Essitrea

The writing quality is excellent. The story itself was engaging, and I was submerged into the action - something I find hard to do in many cases. The protagonist doesn't act too stupidly, as expected of her, and your choices allow her I have flaws that don't end with death. 

This story, however, has a few errors or other holes that make me double take on the events. Many of the loops don't flow well - the transitions are jarring and unrealistic if the page has been already read several times. Additionally, the story itself doesn't provide muc background for Bast. The lack of other main characters (side characters, etc.) is disappointing, even as a lone mercenary. A powerful female fighter like her should be well linked. Some of the link choices are just... why. Pick a number? (1 or 2) Pick a color? (Red, Blue, Black, Green, or Purple - I think those were it.) The numbers and colors had nothing to do with the story...??? They could easily be controlled with a random dice roll and variables. Another thing that I found odd was the information in bold that talked about inventory stuff (crossbow, lanterns, etc.) They weren't vital to the story, and it didn't effect the story; they could've been left out instead of left there to make me wonder if they actually did have a purpose. This storygame is a nice introduction to the larger plot, but I would've preferred if it hadn't been separated into the parts that it was separated into. Just one large, nice storygame. :D 

But yeah. I like the story, and the character sheet was most intriguing to read. Your writing ability makes the story work very well. Can't wait to read Part 2. *goes to read it*

-- Crescentstar on 7/28/2017 11:08:01 PM

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one month ago
Recommendation for Featured Comments

1) Penthos

This was a significant amount of content, and I appreciate the effort that went into creating this. As far as I can see, the game is an exploration of various emotions personified via Greek gods in a chaotic setting, and the author genuinely cares that people understand the various mental challenges a person faces while growing up.

Unfortunately, I have major issues with the story. For a Greek image, Penthos has a frustrating modern vocabulary of insults (cuck is pretty much a late 2016 thing), and his motivations/machinations are alarmingly flimsy. From what I can gather from the opening, the protagonist should have been really distanced from reality (apocalpytic curtains and all), and should have had no chance in the outside world. In that scenario, him acceding to his sister's impulses to effectively beat everything down like it were a video game boss is outright jarring.

It was far more likely that the Protagonist would have begged her to stay, or teamed up with Laszlo to restrain her (going alone is pretty much a certain death sentence in crises situations). Furthermore, the divine interventions lack a certain degree of challenge. For example, with Moro, the correct options are obvious, not even camouflaged. The Quiz section which is meant to generate guilt falls very flat, because you're more concerned about answering a pop quiz and being frustrated about the answers (which I'm fairly sure people would not know outside of intentionally pausing the game and googling, breaking immersion) than experiencing the risk of grief/failure. Further, this is a medium where going 'back' and retrying is painless, so fail states are pretty toothless. The newscasters were not executed well, I can never imagine, under any circumstances them delivering the lines they did in the story (both at the start and in one of the endings), they have absolutely no motivation to cover up the events that would have happened, and seem to do so more from the author's guiding hand than real life logic.

What I'm saying is that the execution does not match the intention. I did like the Eris segment - the gore made me wince for it was well written- except for the way in which you were to complete it- the solution was downright obvious, a better version was the 24x click puzzle later, but twice in one game would have been a chore, so an alternative implementation would have been better. Making the player find the solution to challenges throughout their actions could have be done better (say exploring and finding a guidebook in the protag's house about depression would have been fair and decent character building) would have been better design. I cannot deny the good intention behind this game, but I personally did not enjoy the execution, and I hope I've been able to leave fair feedback to help the author in that perspective. Additionally, links to resources on depression and other symptoms would not have been out of place in this story, in case the author wants to add them in later.

-- StrykerL on 5/4/2017 10:35:48 AM

2) Splattered

I really need to stop reviewing crap stories but there are just so many of them. Here are my thoughts:

- I don't really see the point of the description. Then again, I suppose you were worried about writing more than 1000 words. Is that a bit too much effort for you? I think I once sneezed, accidentally hit the keyboard with one hand, and wrote more words as a result than the pathetic 725 you squeezed out. What were you expecting? Something above a 5?

- Half of the words you actually did bless us with are along the lines of "What the hell is going on!?" Yeah... I'd like to know too. I think I missed it. Must've looked somewhere else for a second as the "plot" dashed by.

- The spelling wasn't as bad as it could have been. Don't take that as a compliment; it can always be worse. I mean, how many mistakes can you really expect in this malnourished infant of a story? Still, I noticed 'nose' instead of 'noise' and some random tense changes.

- You wrote in the whole false linearity thing with the 'listen to the door' option where you present two choices and basically it just leads to the same thing anyway. It adds nothing to the story and only puts in the pretence of choice instead of the actual thing.

- Ugh. The old '...and it was all a dream'. Tragic. Just tragic.

A rare 1/8.

-- AzBaz on 8/3/2017 5:16:12 PM with a score of 0

3) A boring day

Another one of these. There's only so many times I'm going to do this for these poorly written lolrandom stories before I just give up. Death by a thousand crappy plots.

- "Thats when i realized I was going to have a really boring Saturday." That was when I realised this wasn't going to be a good story. Actually, it wasn't. I could tell this would be bad from the description. There's also a lack of punctuation, including (somehow) both the correct and incorrect capitalisation of 'I' in the same sentence.

- I doubt this is a serious attempt at a story, or at least hope it isn't for your sake, you know, mental capacity-wise. If it is, then you might want to not smash down the fourth wall and directly address the reader because it compromises the story. If not, it's probably best not to do it anyway unless you're trying to be funny. Even then, it has to be subtle and decent humour to be anything other than cringey.

- Bloody meta that. The whole 'go onto CYS and write a story and oh shit, you're reading the story you wrote right now and it's only a bloody infinite loop wahey!' and then you commence to infinite loop to sweet insanity. Great stuff.

- A measly 2000 words doesn't leave much room for branching, let alone plot (which doesn't exist in this story), so, as expected, it's linear. You supposedly have the choice to go on two websites, but the only one that's interesting makes you restart.

- "Your dad is going to be furious if he ever notices which, with a little bit of moving around the trophies on your window sill you can manage he won't." What?

- A lot of it is quite 'You do this. You do that.' Try using subordinate clauses at the start to create compound sentences. To be fair, I'd say this is one of the most difficult problems to overcome in any second perspective story, but especially in a CYOA seeing as it considers player choice. It's pretty hard to overcome because you can have perfect grammar and spelling and still face the problem of repetition. Reading out loud helps too.

- You change from past to present halfway through.

If you're going to write a story, please put some time and effort into thinking about a decent plot and proof-read it and then do it again.

2/8
-- AzBaz on 7/29/2017 6:41:39 AM

4) Random Plot: Job Saving

As harsh as my criticism is, the writing isn't too shabby. Your talents could be used to create something worthwhile. From Will's comment, it seems that your other stories are better and I'll probably stumble into them at some point.

- I haven't had to criticise the introduction to the story very often, but you have a font change halfway through a sentence and you have some weird tactic of trying to abuse the reader into liking it. I mean, come on. Also, if you're going to spend 3 hours writing a story, don't spend 3 hours writing a story. Just don't do it. I'm surprised you only got out 1000 words in that time anyway.

- "What!? This is one of the only zoo's that the climate that's okay for the Fartius Maximus!" Ugh. Mistakes on the first page are always a bad sign and toilet humour doesn't add much.

- You were clearly aware of the illogical nature of your choices when you wrote this, but it's really not a good idea in a CYOA game. I might as well just click randomly through the game; it's not like there's really a believable plot to it to make me stop and read.

- You evidently didn't care about writing an actual story and were focusing more on humour. I actually don't think there's anything wrong with that as long as you maybe have a better premise with more of a general plot and pull it off better than this. It needs time and effort, as most things worth reading do. This is a golden nugget among its type. It just so happens that the lolrandom genre is the bottom of the barrel nine times out of ten. 3/8

-- AzBaz on 7/25/2017 6:07:18 PM with a score of 0



5) HOW NOT TO WRITE- A Pokemon Adventure - Part 1 - Chapter I - Section A: The Beginning of the Start

This is every bit as beautifully cretinous as I was hoping for. In fact, I think I actually caught a few diseases just reading the story.

One of the biggest problems, I feel, was that it needed proof-reading a few more times.

All jokes aside, the story was brilliantly thought out, played nicely with tropes and aspects of the early Pokemon game plots (which pretty much everyone know), and addresses every pet hate I have about crappy stories on this site. The tense changing page was emotionally and physically difficult to get through.

Really great humour and a solid 6/8.

-- AzBaz on 7/25/2017 3:10:35 PM

Recommendation for Unpublishing

1) Life as a Dog

There really is no plot to this story and it's just another fairly poorly written, low effort animal POV story with nothing going for it.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago
Not the first time I've seen hate for the dog game, but I never get what's so awful about it. I could click randomly on half the stories on the site and they're far worse.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/life~3a-the-game

Everyone please go rate this down with extreme prejudice. It's been a long time since a stupid newbie has been able to make me feel such pure, exquisite hate.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/life~3a-the-game

It republished. We all know what this means.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago

And of course that one wouldn't delete properly so it's a zombie now.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago
A zombie game? Rate 4 or higher

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago
Recommendation for Featured Comment

1) His Smile

This was great. One minute I'm talking to this guy about Pixar movies, the next minute I'm inexplicably standing on the roof yelling at this other girl I've never seen before. It just seemed so random and went from one scene to the next like some kind of distorted movie.

There were a lot of branching paths, even though most of them led to the same kind of awkward ending, but the non-linearity itself is a plus.

The characters could certainly have been fleshed out a bit more. I'm introduced to this guy within one page and know nothing about him except that he likes Pixar. That's great and all, but Andrew might be a Pixar fanboy who's also financially unstable with no prospects in life. One of the few good endings I found ends with you watching The Incredibles 2 with him. Well, is that it? Maybe he dumps you as soon as the movie is over. Maybe he's a total jerk and just talks throughout the film. You could also have done something romantic in the movie theatre, maybe, but noooo I'm standing on the roof yelling at Lindsey (which admittedly is much more hilarious).

My favourite ending is where he tries to kiss you, and you tell him that you just want to be friends, and he gets sad, and you kiss him anyway, and then you realise that the simple act of kissing has single-handedly convinced you into wanting a relationship with him, but he suddenly doesn't feel the same way and runs away.

-- Saika on 6/12/2017 5:02:33 AM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago

Hello, random newbie recommending a comment for deletion:

no words 

-- itsyeboi980 on 5/30/2017 1:43:20 PM

It's on this story.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago
Recommending for featuring on my ballad contest story:

What a delicious ending. No, uh, the pie... Not the sexy vampire man. Actually, I should say 'both pies', which I guess kind of correspond to the respective strong, independent woman you choose. Nice touch.

Also, this is the first grammatically perfect story I've come across! Thank fuck; I finally have my faith in humanity is restored. Rejoice etc. Then again, the hardened cynic in my is pointing out that this is a 3000 word virgin, but hell, it's in goddamn verse so I'm not expecting Beowulf up in here.

The writing was punchy and funny, especially the tombstones, which I thought were a nice touch to the death scenes. I did feel, however, that every so often there was a line or two that didn't fit the pace of the previous rhyme, but that's me being picky.

Overall, I like how this played with the cliche tropes of classic horror in a wholly silly, modern way.
A strong 6/8.
-- AzBaz on 7/18/2017 11:44:49 AM with a score of 8

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago

Comment for Featuring 

The Raven

1. Though not as good as the original, this is a worthy tribute to Poe's masterpiece. 
There are a few spelling/grammar mistakes, and the imagery can get a little repetitive. Overall, though, it's interesting to see such an excellent poem expanded into a piece of prose in which the reader steps into the shoes of the grief-stricken narrator. You even included a bit of backstory for how all of this came about; however, I admit that I would have preferred a more specific flashback. 
The description of the creaking raven's voice is amazing! 

-- JeffreyJabs on 8/14/2017 4:57:58 PM with a score of 0

I think Steve's comment could be replaced by this one. While it's nice to get a compliment from Steve, I feel the above one is a bit better in terms of actually adressing the negative and positive aspects of the story and what not.  

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago

Comment for Featuring

A tale of love and hate..

Although this story was well written, it's very different from the typical CYOA found on this site- not that that's necessarily a bad thing! 

For me, the main issues were spacing, length of paragraphs, and lack of choice (I only came across two real decisions). 

Concerning the first two, to give you an idea: when I originally opened this story, I was immediately taken aback by the huge paragraphs on the page. I often found myself skimming through lines- but not because the story was boring. I only did so because of the gargantuan size they ended up accumulating to. I would recommend that, if you were to make a story in the future, you used proper spacing- it's a great way to convey emotion and separate ideas. 

As for choice, you have to remember that this site *is* called "Choose your Story"! When there are only three endings that you have to offer- as you say in your summary- the story becomes very linear- as you also happen to say. This would not be an issue if the choices weren't so... clear, for lack of a better word. When choices immediately lead to cookie-cutter endings, it becomes quite bland. It also makes the reader feel like the true ending is Helena's- which is something you don't want to do. Try to make each choice feel solid. 

However, apart from this, the only flaws I could find were an underuse of commas where needed, and not separating the dialogue with spacing. Be that as it may be, this is still one of the better stories on this site. I congratulate you on writing it, and give it a 5/8. 

:)

-- jamBuster on 3/11/2017 1:29:54 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago
death alley

Can we all please take a very good look at this game and just ask ourselves if it really deserves to exist?

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago

It's only a 2.8 right now. Sure it's shitty and I just rated it a 1, but I didn't find any broken links or anything similar for early purge.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago
Plus Top 20 for 2008 haha!

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

one month ago


you head outside, what are you gunna do?
AMMO is 100.
HEALTH is 100.

Look at bestiary of monsters that youve collected
Look for survivors
Go look for come monsters to kill



Go look for come monsters to kill

you come across some hoarders, and completely murder then before they could attack you.
AMMO is 100.
HEALTH is 100.

IM BORED!!! lets go back to the hideout
keep looking

Look for survivors

you look around in the mall, no one there. damn that was one of your best ideas for survivors...
AMMO is 100.
HEALTH is 100


head outside

as you attempt to leave you hear a shotgun cocking...

"drop you weapon and put you hands behind your head" the stranger says

"ok ok im doing it" you put your gun down and put your hands behind your head

"back up exactly 6 paces" he commands you...
AMMO is 100.
HEALTH is 100.




you back up as he says, but you do so with a sly smile on your face. considering his voice he is probobly your size. around 20, and about 10 paces behind you. you back up 7 and he doesnt seem to notice.
AMMO is 100.
HEALTH is 100.

quickly strike him...




you quickly attack "him" but as you raise your katana you are looking into "his" face. the screwy thing is, it looks like your old high school crush Katia.
AMMO is 100.
HEALTH is 100.

kill her anyway
you cant kill your old crush..


kill her anyway

yes! you attack her anyway. you completely butcher her cute little body up. wow, you are a real survivor, but you are really sick. FOR GOD'S SAKE SHE LOVED YOU! but you didnt know that too late now. you break down at the sight of the body, and you comit hari-kari (the art of stomach slicing, or suicide in other words!)
AMMO is 100.
HEALTH is 100.

End Game and Leave Comments




Hmm....let me try that again.




you cant kill your old crush...

you cant kill her... as you hold the katana at an angle for decapitation she stares into your eyes with disbelief and fear as you could dispatch her as pleased.
AMMO is 100.
HEALTH is 100.

"Katia...."
"You degenerate whore, you tried to murder me...."



"You degenerate whore, you tried to murder me...."

"YOUR THE WHORE! I COULD'VE MURDERED YOUR ASS RIGHT FROM THE START FROM MY RIFLE"

"THEN WHY DIDNT YOU!"

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU...can't you see i've always loved you"
AMMO is 100.
HEALTH is 100.

kiss her


kiss her

you kiss her, but she is still pissed off at you and shoots your heart. stupid bitch....
AMMO is 100.
HEALTH is 100.

DEATH!



DEATH!

you can either go back or accept your death
AMMO is 100.
HEALTH is 100.

End Game and Leave Comments





A classic for any time, but 2008 must have really been something special.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

29 days ago

Recommending a comment for deletion:

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/homo-perfectus-8

THE STORY WAS BEAUTIFUL 
It was very interesting. Even if I skipped some parts of the story( other books or interactive books), I really liked the whole thing. You should ask someone to help you transform this beautiful story into something like a video game( third person action/adventure!), a movie or an animated series( a movie could look scary). 
[Just ideas] 
Problems: The character's power should evolve: we don't have the impression of becoming stronger. (Don't make things too complicated too ??)

-- Samuel on 3/18/2017 7:48:26 AM with a score of 1001

Reason: Duplicate Comment

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

28 days ago
Recommending a story for unpublishing: The Wave Of Dumb. It's rated 2.8, with no plot or important choices and the author himself admits it is dumb and makes no sense.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

27 days ago

Comment for featuring on: A Bards Tale

There is definitely a lot of room for improvement here. 

To be honest, the entire storygame just felt incredibly sloppy. There's not enough description, in fact, little to none on most pages. 

It also seemed rather rushed, since it was lacking in both quality and quantity. The writing has potential, but the storygame needs to have more character development, detail, emotion. 

The plot also needed some work. Not that the plot's bad, it's just extremely cliche and there's nothing presented to the reader that makes it stand out from a lot of other storygames similar to this one on the site. 

There's no rush to publish your storygames. Work harder, and spend more time with your writing so you can make something to be proud of. 

2/8

-- MinnieKing on 8/25/2017 1:33:15 AM with a score of 0

Also, please delete the comment below this one (also written by me) which is the same comment, but before I editted out an incorrect critique I previously left.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

27 days ago

It's Not Easy Being Me

add superhero tag

 

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

22 days ago

I'm sorry if I do this wrong, please forgive me if so, but if I'm going to try and be involved, I see this as another good starting point, so I have a comment for featuring from A Yearly Exam of Seasonfield High University

I came to the School-Based games, expecting something different. I didn't know what to expect, but it wasn't this. I really enjoyed it! Sure, the grammar isn't the best, but the story was consistent, diverse, action packed, and hilarious (I joined the military at the end)! 


This story is definitely worth reading, but maybe a revision to correct grammar and/or any other mistakes throughout it would make this far more popular of a story. I do recommend this to people looking for laughs, as this is definitely far more entertaining than any old exam. I enjoyed the images you used throughout the story as well, as they helped in the narrative to imaging certain characters and settings. 

Although, most of the characters seemed to be plot devices rather than characters, with them all being thrown left and right, I did enjoy the characters you spent time developing. The choices were diverse, the story was long, and it kept me reading. These are the types of stories I came here to read, so thank you for the experience!

-- Comic on 8/29/2017 1:59:19 PM

Again, I'm sorry if I did this wrong, but improvements can only be made through mistakes!

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

22 days ago

Wow. I can't believe that actually worked! Okay. Here's another one. It's not as good as the last one, in my opinion, but everything always has room for improvements.

Recommend a comment for featuring Addition

I rate it six! I really did enjoy this story and it's principles and morals. It was well written (save for multiple grammatical errors), and, in my opinion, deserves a better rank! 

I thoroughly enjoyed the lecture we were given, as it made perfect sense, as well as feeling a bit personal for me as well. It was really great with the talent show bit, which added more than just the school feeling that most school-related stories have (To elaborate on 'school feeling', I mean as in the boring details of going through every class before anything interesting happens, and even then, it's written just as dull). I recommend a revision on the grammar, which really was the only issue with this story. Other than that, It's great! I can't wait to see more of your works, Minnie!

-- Comic on 8/29/2017 2:19:37 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

22 days ago

Recommend a comment for featuring; My Basic Day

Okay, so yes, It's boring, BUT! You wrote this better than a lot of people write, with little to no grammatical errors, this 'Basic Day' exceeds most. It was interesting to see so much detail put into something so 'boring' (Well, you did say it all happened to you, meaning it's a true story, so it would only be right to have detail). 

You have plenty of potential for a really good story, so I say you keep at writing! Back to the story; 

Alongside having (as expected) branching variables in the story that more or less affect the plot, it was notable that, instead of saying; 'I got home and went to bed. The end.', you actually added more to the story with an after school arc. I enjoyed your basic day, hope to see more work from you sometime!

-- Comic on 8/29/2017 8:14:49 PM

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

22 days ago

A little advice, make your comments a bit longer. Also, End doesn't usually feature comments on storygames with a rating lower than 3.0, and if you plan to write multiple comments to get featured in a day, make one post for multiple of them.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

22 days ago

Oh, okay! Thanks, I'll make sure to do that. Sorry.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

22 days ago

Recommending a comment for featuring

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-midnight-hours (to replace Sonic's)

I liked how the story started, but this one just kind of collapsed after. You should have given more background with the story of Vampires, Demi-gods, and Werewolves. You don't even say what kind of god the character is part of. Some of the options don't quite make much sense, but they aren't as bad as others that I've seen. I'd add more though for a more outwardly expanding plot. 

I couldn't help but notice that like a lot of lower quality storygames here, you too added the whole live or die choices, and you even made it worse by putting it in the first page. There's not even any kind of warning as to what happens if you choose the death option, so it was a bummer. 

Now, you did as good as the average CYS author when it comes to grammar and spelling, but that's easily fixed. I know I'm picky about it, as you can tell from my other comments, but sound grammar is a crucial part to a good storygame. 

Clearly, effort was put into this, but I think a bit more would be better on the whole. 

4/8

-- Nyctophilia on 8/29/2017 9:18:17 PM

Please delete the first comment that I put, because this one is the same but I fixed some spelling errors.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

22 days ago

I feel so dirty for judging these without having my own story. But, my critic skills could use improvement, so that's my current goal!

Suggest comment for featuring- YOUR story (of how you died)

Okay, this was interesting, although I solved the 'mystery' after going through 'The Wolf door' (You don't capitalize 'Wolf' in this situation). Along with multiple errors in your grammar and the odd, unnecessary changes in text background color (probably due to copying and pasting), and font size, it DID keep me interested, regardless of my almost immediate conclusion. 

'They become more bulgy'. I love this short sentence. 'They become more bulgy'. That's just funny. Anyways, I recommend going through your story, revising and editing before publishing it. This was short, but it did feel necessary. You do have a talent, and I hope to see you improve upon this! 

But, however, the purpose of 'Choose Your Story' is to 'choose your story'. There were no true choices to be made that affected the story, thus making this a 'story', not a 'choose your story'. 

The story felt rather linear, well, it actually IS linear, I'm just trying to sugar coat it. 
The cliff hanger at the ending was, well, unnecessary, but I understand why you used it. In many situations, good story-telling comes with a good cliff hanger. This, as I've stated before, is set as a story, not a choose your own adventure. Maybe improving this and giving it separate endings will make it fit in far more. Anyways, your writing skills are pretty good compared to many others, so keep it up! I'm positive you will learn from this and become better!

-- Comic on 8/30/2017 11:21:51 AM

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

21 days ago

It's nice to see quality comments being added to the site again. 

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

21 days ago

Daw, thanks, you're making me blush. I just try to be positive and open minded all the time! I've been told It's a really good trait to have, and I believe it.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

21 days ago

Recommending comments for featuring

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-flocktown-student

Well the beginning was nice, and you wisely used key literary devices that improve the readers interest. A bit more detail would have been nice though. For example, the whole breakfast situation on the first page. What is the character's favorite food, and what was given to them instead? Things like this are small but add up to make a fulfilling story. 


The choices seem a little random, and have little effect on the story whatsoever. If these choices (like eating) changed things later on, that would be more engaging for the reader. 

You're writing ability is slightly above the norm and is shown, so just work on certain aspects that can improve it and make it much stronger overall. The writing was grammatically sound from what I could see, and I'm just going to add this as a little side note: messing with fonts slightly annoys some members. Best to just leave it alone.

-- Nyctophilia on 8/30/2017 6:17:46 PM

____________________________________

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/rebel-jedi-2~3a--the-rebel-base

The "End Game and Leave Comment" situation is something I really dislike seeing, especially when it comes to having absolutely no hint that you might die if you choose that choice. It was just: "Here, choose one of these randomly, because I'm going to give you basically no information about what's happening!" These make bad stories. 

The writing itself is decent but can be better. More description would make it better and the story as well. A background is always useful, and could easily just be put in as an optional link that can be used by the reader if needed. 

Looking at your profile, I can see that you won't be back to fix anything, so this can just be for others that have stories and/or are writing one. Pay attention to what you're doing and plan ahead. Having an outline is good and keeps you on path, and can easily be modified to accommodate some unforeseen issue. The writing was free of errors, but it wasn't that long anyway. 

4/8

-- Nyctophilia on 8/30/2017 6:31:32 PM

___________________________________

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-lemonade-business-2

Well it was a good idea, but things didn't work out with the writing. The choices weren't even really choices. The reader was forced to choose an option on the very first page. That defeats the purpose of writing on this site, as you could just go and do that on another that isn't about how linear your story is. This needs to be fixed. 


Speaking of bad choices, I sold sugar and called it lemonade. I made money from this, and that's just wrong. Things like that are realistic at all, and make no sense in this story. Another thing that doesn't make any sense is the pet store. What's the point? All I did was cuddle a bunny that I wanted to put in my lemonade. 

The writing was bad, the story was linear, and I lost interest after the first few pages. It needs a lot of work and proofreading as well, because I caught numerous mistakes that take away from the story. I'll give this a very generous 3/8.

-- Nyctophilia on 8/30/2017 6:45:02 PM with a score of 0

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

21 days ago

Sorry for doing this separately with my other one, but I wanted to;

Recommending comment for featuring; Avoiding Termination

This was definitely enjoyable! I got a good ending my first go-around, but the thing about this is... It's just so short. Main characters that you introduced were interesting enough, and development was acceptable. Though this game has many diverging paths, and multiple endings, it doesn't deliver a really good story. 

The grammar was pretty good, except for some questionable parts where you missed a word, but from my read-through plural, I didn't notice any misspelled words, so that's good. 

In the beginning of the game, it was quite obvious and evident that we were meant to go to ONE school, and not three, which would have made for a very diverse and interesting game. 

I really liked your Jaxon character, and I did my best to befriend him, as it was also pretty obvious he was dubbed the 'trouble maker' from a bad home life. Regardless of several obvious cliches in the game, it was enjoyable, and I hope to read more like this.

-- Comic on 8/30/2017 5:25:56 PM

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

21 days ago

 Recommending a comment for deletion

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/dead-man-walking-(zombie-survival)

Poopy butthole fart

-- Slug on 8/29/2017 6:55:22 PM with a score of 960

Reason: Isn't any form of criticism or praise that could aid the author, and is classified as "spam".

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

20 days ago

Recommending comment for featuringDay of Your Life

This was definitely a highly entertaining story game. Even though it felt short, it was longer than a lot that I've read so far, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, and experiencing every hilarious ending possible. Even though it was spontaneous and weirdly random, it didn't fail to deliver a good story to pass the time. 

There was barely any grammar issues at all, so that's definitely a plus! And the pictures were awesome. It was pretty and cool and hilarious, I personally don't understand why It's rated so poorly. 

Finding the good ending was no easy task, but it was satisfactory, especially amongst all the bad endings, which were pretty funny. 

The flaws in this have already been mentioned, but I consider them to be more of an obstacle than a flaw. This story game is well done enough, to be considered a good story game. It has all the elements of a CYOA game, with plenty of humor and depression. 

I really liked this, and hope to see more work from you, equally as hilarious.

-- Comic on 8/31/2017 12:47:48 AM

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

16 days ago

Recommending a comment for featuring on: the very short tale of bara

 Honestly, I found this storygame to be really good in quality, but obviously there's a large lacking in quantity. 

Your good writing is really what saved this storygame from getting removed, i'd guess, because there really wasn't much else that was good about this storygame besides that. 

The branching wasn't anything to be proud of, since there was barely any of it. Of course, it's understandable that you can't add too many paths in a very, VERY short storygame. 

This isn't the kind of thing i'd read twice, or recommend to anyone else, but it's still pretty good. Just not great. 

Some of the paragraphs could have been split up better, and spaced out more. At times there were just big blocks of text. 

A good three minutes of reading, I guess? 3/8.

-- MinnieKing on 9/4/2017 9:20:50 PM

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

14 days ago

Recommend comment for deletion and featuring; School and Cool

The story was extremely linear. Sure, it would have diverging choices here or there, but after one or two pages, they'd all return to the same plot line. 
There were also oddly random selections that you used, and each page was rather short. Not a lot to read. You were vague about things that weren't cat related. The grammar, however, was very good, and didn't leave me cringing halfway through the story. 
I recommend that you try a bit harder at your next work, putting more thought, detail and love into it, as well as a non-linear story line. 
Regardless of the cons I mention, I think you show promising potential, and if you really just try, you'll be guaranteed to do better next time!
-- Comic on 9/7/2017 12:11:21 AM

Reason for deletion; I somehow, miraculously, posted two comments? I dunno how, but I did, so I just think it best that one is removed.

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

9 days ago

Recommend comment for featuring; Horror Movie Quiz

This was a very well made quiz, with questions that required a horror fan or at least a fan of the people involved in these movies to know, I'm pleased with my final score. 

While there were a few questions that seemed to have answers that weren't really necessary (e.g. 'Who won in Freddy vs Jason'). I found little to no important grammatical errors, so that's a plus! 

There is always room for improvement, too! More choices would have made for a more difficult quiz, and not biased related answers as well (e.g. the Freddy vs Jason quiz again). 

In conclusion, this quiz wasn't the best, but certainly not the worst. With plenty of room for improvement, but it's still playable and fun to do. 
Good job! I liked it. 
4/8

-- Comic on 9/12/2017 11:19:40 AM with a score of 67

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

6 days ago

Grounded!

1. Recommending a comment for featuring:

This storygame was a fun little thing to click through, although the pages were bare and contained only 2-3 sentences each. I would play this on a sunny day when I had too much time on my hands (which is virtually every day). But there are several improvements to be made here.

First of all, try and make your content pop and seem like a real story. The kind of vibe that I got from this was a written-in-twenty-minutes-and-waited-the-time-out kind of thing. It would have been even more fun if you threw some...real plot into it. It was a little bland; kind of like eating pancakes without maple syrup or butter. Add that salt and flour, give it some substance.

Secondly, try and give characters more development than just giving them five seconds of screentime (booktime?). It would be leagues more interesting and more fun to read.

So, I think you could have added a lot more than you did, and put a bit more effort in than you did. Improvements, improvements, right?

-- At_Your_Throat on 8/16/2017 10:48:23 PM with a score of 0

 

2.  Add Geared for children tag

Draw My Attention (Reign of the Mini-King)

4 days ago

A confused criminal!

1. Recommending a comment for featuring

Okay, so...aside from the fact that you never find out why the police are after you (they just are), almost every path leads to a bad end. Or if it doesn't lead there, it leads to a junction where EVERY path is bad. It doesn't matter whether you fight the security guard or not. Every path in the corresponding 6 links is bad.

The character's behaviour seemed a bit out of place as well. You've just managed to escape the rock concert, you immediately tell a stranger that the police are after you? Why would you do that? And it turns out that the stranger wants you to rob a bank for him? You just told him that the police are after you and he asks you to commit a real crime? It just doesn't make any sense.

There's a lot of decisions but most of them are on the same linear path. That's my biggest gripe, really. They pretended to lead somewhere, and they just ended up with you being captured. That definitely needs improvement.

-- Saika on 8/9/2017 5:08:44 AM

Recommending  comments for deletion

2. I won!

-- Rebecca on 9/11/2015 9:27:41 PM

3. I won on my 300,000th try!

-- Jeff on 2/28/2017 8:45:56 AM

 

A man to the slaughter

More comments recommended for deletion

4.   Uhhh..... okay....

-- GamerX on 4/11/2017 1:36:11 PM with a score of 0

5.  wow

-- bells23 on 5/30/2012 11:07:41 AM with a score of 0