Recommending a comment for featuring:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/breath-of-fire
I couldn't help but feel like this story was an example of great potential that was sadly wasted due to lack of choices for a choose your own story adventure. Rather than playing through a CYS game, I felt more like I was reading a novelization of the game, since the only choices presented were essentially 'continue' or 'die'.
However, you do have a fairly good standard of writing and stayed very true to the feeling of the game. There were numerous grammar mistakes sprinkled throughout the game - the majority involving quotation marks - but they were rarely egregious enough to distract me completely. While some parts of the story could be explained more for those that haven't played the game, you did do a fairly good job capturing each character's personality and general feel.
As for the wasted potential - if I wanted to play Breath of Fire, I would be playing Breath of Fire. The only real reason I would play a CYS fanfiction version of the game instead of the game itself would be to explore possibilities that the original game didn't. What if I chose not to save Bow? What if I hadn't gone after my sister? The medium of a choose-you-own-adventure tale shines because it lets the readers try out those what-if scenarios. With your grasp of the game, you could make this into a really great exploration of all the paths Breath of Fire itself didn't let you take, expanding the world and maybe even introducing new characters, all while preserving the original 'feel' of the game. This is why I thought it was a shame that the potential of this was not fully explored. The fact that there was only one option on most of the pages, and the few times we did get to make a choice forced us to either die or follow the original plot only makes the readers annoyed and feel like they have no control over the protagonist.
I do realize it's a lot more work to make branching paths for this kind of story, but I promise you it's worth the effort. There doesn't even have to be a ton of alternatives - even one alternate path would help give the readers a feeling that they had an impact on the plot and that their decisions were directing the plot.
All in all, you have pretty good writing skills, so I'd love to see you make a CYS game that actually lets us choose.
-- the_quiller on 8/9/2014 1:58:27 AM
'Tis a very good comment with great advice and criticisms.
Recommending a comment for featuring:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/goomba-village - Both suggestions are from the same link.
Well, that was... random. I hate to say it, but this game is kinda terrible. The plot is almost completely nonexistent and the consequences of the choices are totally random. If you want to improve your game, I'd suggest that you elaborate some more on the plot and give the reader some more information about whatever is going on in your story.
I'm also still trying to figure out in what way your game is a) a fanfiction b) about a village and c) about goomba's. I'd advise you to either change the title and description of your game to 'jobless (wo)man is looking for a job' or in some way connect this to the Mario franchise (which I guess this game is supposed to be a fanfic of).
I have given your game a 2/8, because your game has choices that (even though they are completely random) do matter for the outcome of the game. However, in my opinion this game only barely deserves higher than a 1/8. I hope that you take the advice given to you in the comments and that you'll look to other, higher rated games, for examples of decent writing. I am sure that you'll be able to write a better story.
Good luck writing!
-- Romulus on 8/11/2014 8:13:46 AM
Recommending a comment for featuring:
That was probably the most random, but crappy, piece of literature I've read all day. No offence to the author(s) at all. I am directing that statement at the story itself, for reasons below.
I am significantly dissapointed at what this turned out to be. The fact is, (like a lot of people) I don't even consider this to be a storygame. A storygame is supposed to have a plot/setting, choices which then stem out more choices, which lead to conseqences and a couple of successes. This, had almost nothing. Its a dry husk of what criteria a game should follow, and it had less than the bare-minimum of an acceptable storygame. Does it give you the plot/setting? Not at all. I get that you are trying to find a job, but what the heck, I don't even know if I am a goomba or not, since it never tells you in the story itself save for the description/title. The choices don't even matter, and although they do shape the plot some, they don't stem much of anything like they should.
For example, my first path was the business wo/man. It asks you how long you want to go to business school, and after I give my answer, it says (not actual quote) "WOOHOO You are a business wo/man!" And then it ends. Seriously? Just how is this an adequate, or even justifiable ending? The fact is, that's the general premise of almost every path avaliable in this storygame.
Don't even get me started on the writing, which I felt to be terrible. When you can't even tell if you are a Goomba or not (since it never told you anyways), you can see the flat, almost non-existent context and detail which it should have! There is literally no detail here. You want to be a business person? Great... you are one... yay... the end...
The author could have fleshed out the plot, which includes character development, far better. In a game where you find a job for yourself, at least write it so the readers feel something, anything for the protaganist. But because of the almost no detail, you don't feel anything for the protaganist character. Adding more detail would help flesh out the characters (or in this case, character) better, so that the reader would actually feel themselves happy if he/she got a job. An example I can think off my head of this would be Dead Man Walking by BerkaZerka. I generally felt concern for the protaganist, and I was eccentric once I got a great ending. Why? Because the character development was rocketed. Which is something we should see here, but I just feel no emotion if I get a job. At all. Which isn't a good thing when you are creating a game like this.
Going along with the writing, the grammar was pretty atrocious. The spelling was okay-ish, but just simple, basic punctuation reeked. And this bad puncuation went along the entire thing. In fact, I am even questioning whether or not the author of this piece is fluent in English, or lives in a place where they teach you to put your periods (these things: ".") directly one space away from the ending word, so you get something like this (example): "Become a business woman/man .".
So now I'm not even sure what the title/description is supposed to mean about this story. Yes, the description does tell you are a Goomba in a village, but other than that, you have no pointers in the story leading you to the explanation of the title's namesake. It doesn't mention you being a Goomba in anyway shape or form, and it certainly doesn't tell you that you live in a village.
Dear Author, you can't put these important details in the description, but not put them in the story at all. An equivalent of this behavior would be, as an example, Suzanne Collins telling the reader Katniss's (or however you spell her name) name at the back of the book... but omitting it from the rest of the story. Save for the description on the back, the reader wouldn't even know Katniss's gender. Hey, "he" could love Peeta for all anyone knows.
I suppose this was supposed to be some sort of Mario bros. fanfiction. However, the story itself has no lead to anything Nintendo/Mario bros. related at all. If it weren't for the title/description, I would have thought that I was an actual Human. But of course I could also be a Turtle/Unicorn/Octupus hybrid with a green mustache living in Mars, because of the detail quality.
Because of the overall texture of this story, I am guessing its by an author who is young or inexperienced. I suggest that this particular person improve their writing, grammar, and language skills, which includes punctuation, detail, context, plot, basic understanding of words, etcetera. If the author improves themselves, and improves this story with far better-nes, it would rank higher, at least.
1/8. I'm sorry, I just can't give any reason for myself to show any sympathy or mercy for something like this. Hopefully the author would improve it.
-- Fazz on 8/11/2014 11:54:55 PM
Another great comment from a guy called Fazz, he goes into great detail and probably took him a while to write. I noticed some grammar mistakes but they didn't take away from the comment.
Recommending a comment for featuring:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-war-of-the-woods
Firstly, I give you props for creating a main character who is not, at the start, a fearless badass ready to wreck his enemies. Harlan came across as a surprisingly relatable protagonist with a very realistic sense of fear that came across in his choices and thoughts.
However, while I found this story an excellent attempt for a first try, it still comes across as unfinished. There are several links that lead to unfinished pages and a few grammatical errors sprinkled throughout. If you messed up a link, you can remove it in the editor and then delete the page that it used to link to - I recommend doing so, because seeing a page that says 'I messed up this page' really breaks the story immersion.
Next time, try to make your story a little longer before you publish it. I tried a few different paths in yours and I think even the longest path barely gave us enough time to get to know our protagonist and figure out what was going on in the world he lived in. Which was a shame - the idea of a war between all the mythical creatures was really interesting and I wanted to see more. It would also have been incredible if you showed Harlan slowly developing as a character, going from the terrified recruit he starts as into a battle-hardened veteran or something. The story has a Narnia-like feel to it, except instead of friendship, everyone wants to kill each other.
So all in all, you have a lot of potential as a writer in my opinion, and I'll be looking forward to your future work, whether it be on this story or any others you might write!
-- the_quiller on 8/1/2014 11:25:20 AM
'Tis a good comment.
Recommending a comment for featuring:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/atramentous
As soon as I went through pretty much all the endings of this storygame, my first, immediate thought was:
"Holy Crap."
The writing was just amazing. I loved the descriptions, how you felt like the girl in the story. The setting was deep, twisted, and full of mystery. I was immersed by the first two pages I read of this story. The grammar was great, with no/little mistakes, and the writing felt like you were actually there. I also loved how you gradually learn who you are, through the descriptions and different options. This is a true, psychological horror, something I have not seen at all at this site. I truly loved this.
I loved how the author captured the protaganist's "monster", the voice in her head. Showing it as a living person, just like someone with a real psychological disorder, such as the girl from this storygame. You can fight your twisted side, or live with it. This made me feel like someone with shiznophrenia, antisocial-personality-disorder (ASPD) or another mental problem.
Unlike many, I did not have a problem at all with the lack of knowledge as to what's going on in the story. Instead of being confused, and angrily asking the author "What's this!? Who's She!? What am I here for!? Blahblahblah!?", I felt this contributed to the whole mystique and vagueness of it all. I feel as though these types of stories don't really need such a large backstory/plot, unlike other greats out there like Necromancer by EndMaster or Dead Man Walking by BerkaZerka. You play as the mind of a troubled girl, with a troubled past, and a troubled alter ego. Psychological horror-mystery at its finest on this site, IMO.
It appears that there are two types of people who would look at this story: People like me, who will love the writing and appearence. However, I believe most will dismiss it to be way too broad, unclear, ambiguous, and as Malkalack puts it, not making any coherent sense.
My only complaint would be the length of it. It is very short. If you increased it I would rank it way higher.
6/8. Would have rated higher if it was longer, but nonetheless I absolutely loved this story. I hope the author makes more of these mysterious psychosis-like stories!
-- Fazz on 8/5/2014 2:29:58 AM
It's not the best, it it isn't bad either
Recommending storygame for deletion:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/cross~2dbreeding
- Grammar and style poor enough that it cannot be ignored
- A plot which is poor or nonexistent
- Poor pacing (usually characterized by frequent and unpredictable end game links)
- A lack of important decisions
- Unbelievable or overly cliched dialogue (if dialogue is present in the story)
This story is really, really bad.
Recommending storygame for deletion:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/choices-of-death
- The storygame has all of the following characteristics:
- Grammar and style poor enough that it cannot be ignored
- A plot which is poor or nonexistent
- Poor pacing (usually characterized by frequent and unpredictable end game links)
- A lack of important decisions
- Unbelievable or overly cliched dialogue (if dialogue is present in the story)
Recommending storygame for deletion:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/message-in-a-bottle
- The storygame is not a storygame and is instead intended to fulfill a goal such as communicating with another member (including all inside jokes) or advertising a product.
This is quite evidently a message to the guy named 'Fazz'. The story, is basically asking him to make an account.
Recommending a comment for featuring:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/hunter
Wow. Not bad for a combat simulator.
My complaints about this particular storygame are very limited, and even then, they don't affect the game that much.
The different species/types of demons were a nice touch to the story. It basically meant that, instead of having to fight one type of boring old demon over and over, you could fight multiple others, like airborn ones for example. However, the combat wasn't really affected that much by the different types. Of course, I would have to experiment around with how I should fight it, and (for me) it really boils down to two main styles: Defensive and Normal. I would just keep clicking Defensive, and after about every fifth click, or so, I would switch to Normal. Then Defensive. Like a pattern. This way I inflicted damage, but also made sure I wasn't losing too much energy or health. I went through a lot of demons by just using these two, and also earned a lot of gold. So yeah: I propose, that with different species of demon, you could differentiate attack manuevers and styles, so that I'm just not clicking those two mentioned above, or experimenting and trying my luck by being random. Leaving hints as to what attack style would work with the demons' descriptions would be pretty good, I believe.
Other than that, I seriously can't find much wrong here. I liked the way, that, after selecting Aggresive multiple times, your energy/health would slowly degenerate as you kept attacking viciously. It however felt, to me, that Aggresive rarely did anything, and I pretty much stuck with Normal and Defensive. As jamescocker1226 said a little below me, it felt to him that the Normal attack didn't do anything. I remember the Aggresive attack description being something like (example; not actual words) "You swing your sword wildly, but he manages to parry your sword. You take a few slashes to the chest." But as I experimented, I found that multiply clicking Aggresive actually lowered the demons' health, and the demons' health description would change to "He slowly oozes ichor and fights slowly," or something. But it really didn't feel like I was doing much damage.
So therefore: I really think you should refine the post-attack descriptions so that the reader feels a sense of, well, accomplishment (for lack of better word), because they brutally slashed at a demon, not because the demon parried them and slashed them instead. And kept parrying, and parrying.
What else about this storygame I enjoyed? I liked the Fantasy-esque setting of it. Certain descriptions of the story, like the children tagging your torn cloak's rags, or making offerings to the spirit, or visiting the pub and being sorrounded by fellow demon-hunters, really make little differences to the way it builds up the setting and the way you felt about it. It all really shaped the whole atmosphere of this storygame.
But in the end, we have to look at this as what it is: a combat simulator. No real story, or story advancement, for that matter.
If you took the time to write about how the gold could be spent, for example, or added new places in town, or made it feel more Role-playing and fantasy-like than you just making multiple trips to a desert, it would be so much better. Also, adding more sense of a plot would enrich the story.
5/8. The story was nice and all, but just adding more plot would really make it shine. Nice experiment, by the way! Please improve it as well.
-- Fazz on 8/27/2014 6:42:12 PM with a score of 0
This is a very detailed comment, with some great criticism. Although there is a minor grammar mistake, it doesn't take away from the comment as a whole.
Recommending a comment for deletion:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/bacon-wars
# @coins!
-- nmelssx on 8/29/2014 12:36:09 PM with a score of 0
This is just nmelssx trolling coins.
Recommending a comment for deletion:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/dispiteous
http://i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/006/482/template.jpg
-- Serenemyth on 8/31/2014 3:33:53 AM
He just posted a link to a Meme.
Recommending a storygame for category change:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/erika-bakes-a-cake
Everything Else
To quite Seth from this thread, "A fanfic of a non-existent anime! ". If it is non-existent, is it really a Fan Fic?
Recommending a comment for featuring:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/not-so-quiet-on-the-western-front
Wow. What a dissapointment.
The ending was not justifiable at all. It was way to quick, and way too rushed.
Like I said on a different storygame, it is never okay if someone is able to write out your entire plot in points.
-Pick England or Germany/Prussia (I picked England although I doubt it really matters)
-Go to the church
-Go to the bar
-Go on the front lines
-Advance
-Hold your position, The End
The initial idea of this story is great. You play as a boy who wants to fight in World War I. It sounded fun. However, it was way too short, and like Madbrad2000 said below me, it actually did leave you staring at your screen. I was so surprised at how quick it was.
The writing was also another thing that ruined it. The writing had a lot of punctuational errors, like, for example, forgetting to put the quotation mark in the right place. Also, the detail was not here. It needed to be detailed so as to leave an image in the reader's head. But instead it is pretty blunt and badly written, using no adjectives or anything really to describe a specific scene. To me, it seems like the author wrote the story, and without proofreading it or even bothering to re-read it, uploaded it. There were many more ways to improve this work.
I personally think this should be taken off, 2/8.
P.S. The images don't work.
-- Fazz on 8/5/2014 3:42:21 AM
Recommending a comment for featuring:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-call-of-capythulhu
Meh, not bad, but I didn't really like it either. I understand that writing a story in 90 minutes is hard, but the writing of this story was still kinda bad.
It is noticeable that you wrote this in a short amount of time, as the writing seems very rushed. The amount is text on each page is very little and the text that you have written feels extremely random.
I think this is also due to the fact that the choices you give the reader aren't exactly properly explained because of the lack of text, so the result of those choices feels very random too. Furtermore, some choices seem somewhat impossible to make, like for example <SPOILER> when you have to kill the giant capybara with the sword, the text on the page says you're already dead <END OF SPOILER>
I liked it that you used items, but in my opinion they were not necessary for the plot. The places where they had to be used where obvious and it's as good as impossible to not receive the items.
I've given your story a 3/8, because of the reasons I've listed above. My main advise to you is to not try to write 90-minute stories anymore, because I feel like you could have written a better story if you would have taken the time.
Good luck writing!
-- Romulus on 9/2/2014 6:40:57 AM with a score of 0
Reccomending a category change for a storygame:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-spartan-life
Fan Fiction
As said in the description ("Halo Spartan game", "you play your own Spartan on a mission involving (spoiler alert)covenant") this is based off of 'Halo'.
Recommending storygame for deletion:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/cheating~3f
- After receiving at least 7 ratings and being published for at least 1 week, the storygame is rated 2/8 and its length is 1/8
Recommending a comment for featuring:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/dispiteous
I have no issue with the graphic nature of this story. Yes, it is disturbing, though not as bad as LOVE SICK and yes, it is gory, but again, LOVE SICK is still accepted here. You've put up warnings. It should be fine. Child rape and necrophilia do raise flags for some people, but you weren't very descriptive.
I didn't notice any major errors, though that may be because it's easy to breeze through a story when it's short--still, I've been able to spot dozens of errors in a fifteen question quiz, so I'll say you did fine on proofing.
Here's my issue with this story: The endings. It's not the gore or the sex, it's the monotony. I've said it before in my review of The Three Keys--if you only have one type of ending, be it happy, sad, or bittersweet, it gets a little dull. You replay again and again to get different results, but it's really all the same if the only result is your character dying.
The other bone to pick is over one specific ending, the one you've labeled the "True" ending. Up until that point, you had me appreciative of the established characters. An abusive, bastard father who is close to his sanity's breaking point, a submissive mother who he fights with constantly, an innocent little boy who has yet to learn how to eat properly, let alone be a real party to the tragedy about to ensue... and a little girl who could just as easily turn villain as she could victim. That is a good cast, but then you made the mother do something completely random. Spoiler alert, by the way, for those reading this:
The mother slits the daughter's throat, while praising her for killing her father. There is literally no reason for her to have done this. As a mother--even a passive one--who is raising to children in this environment, it is still instinct for her to protect her child to some degree. Killing the girl, especially after her abuser has been dealt with, just goes against nature. More than that, as a psychopath, which you have to be in order to slit your own daughter's throat, it's totally illogical. The child is far more valuable to her alive. Killing the girl means she will be charged with both the murder of her daughter and husband, but keeping her alive gives her a scapegoat. People might pity their family, maybe even praise the girl for stopping her abusive dad, but if not, they can lock the kid up in a mental ward. Problem solved.
From a vengeful point of view, the husband was an asshole. The mother feeling sad or even grieved about his death would be one thing, but she could just as easily be relieved that she's free now. Revenge killing her daughter, when she's only a child and was just being protective of her family, is still illogical and would also be in direct opposition to the words of praise.
It's just ... without any kind of explanation or even implied logic, it feels like you just threw that part in there half-assed as a way to shock the reader a little more rather than to follow the established and implied character patterns. =\ I like twists, but they should make sense in context. If you had given us some kind of build up or explanation, it could've worked.
Alternatively, you could've made the girl a full-on villain and had her enjoy killing in a sort of "You've become what you despised" ending, which I honestly love to see in a horror game.
Mind you, this is a brutally honest review on my part as I am aware that you made this thing in less than two hours. It holds up very well under that constraint, but I just feel like you could've taken it a little further so it would feel a bit less ... "one note."
-- Kiel_Farren on 9/3/2014 9:04:49 AM
Reccomending a category change for a storygame:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/chuck-norris-quiz
Everything Else
Most quizzes tend to go into Everything Else. This quiz is not educational in the slightest xD It is pretty much just questions based on Chuck Norris jokes.
Recommending a comment for deletion:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/day-of-the-dog
Ur dog is stupid
-- Wut da fuck on 9/1/2014 3:18:02 PM
Insulting the dog, there was no need.
Reccomending a category change for a storygame:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/make-it-to-the-bathroom~21
School Based
'Tis based in a school.
Recommending a comment for deletion:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/escape-(strategy)- - Both are from this link.
interesting...
-- insanebutvain on 10/6/2014 6:28:59 AM
Duplicate.
Recommending a comment for deletion:
interesting...
-- insanebutvain on 10/6/2014 6:28:59 AM
Duplicate.
Recommending a comment for featuring:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-life-of-a-thunderclan-cat-chapter-1
Oh wow, another Warrior Cats game, haven't seen one of these in like, a week. However, this isn't a bad story, though it isn't really good either. Overall it felt a bit meh-ish.
I can see that you at least put some time (albeit very little) and thought into writing this, and that's a big plus, but I'd advise you to expand your story some more. Try to write some more text on each page, give the reader some more descriptions, choices, etc.
Furthermore, I'm also not that familiar with the Warrior Cats universe, so it might be a suggestion to explain some of the clan relations and such for people who haven't read the books.
I also found it kind of a shame that your story didn't have any real choices, apart from the gender and the end. You give the reader some choices but most of them lead to the same page.
I think it's also too bad that you decided to split your story into separate chapters. This means that the choices I, as the reader make in this chapter, will have absolutely no consequence for the whole story, as the next chapter will most likely not incorporate the choices of this one. Furthermore, in my opinion, publishing in chapters feels kinda lazy to me, like you didn't want to spend any more time writing, so you just published some unfinished story.
I have given your story a 3/8 (though I was considering giving it a 2), because the writing is somewhat decent, especially compared to some other WC stories.
Good luck writing!
-- Romulus on 10/4/2014 12:29:11 PM
Recommending a category change for a storygame:
http://chooseyourstory.com/story/warrior-cat's-adventures-((part-1~2e))
Fan Fiction
This is based on 'Warrior Cats'
